I turn my head to look at the speaker.
It's a girl of around my age. She has bright crimson hair and eyes of the same shade. She's wearing a lavender coloured dress that stops a few inches above her knees and silver coloured strappy high heels. She's looking really beautiful.
"I can hold them for you," she smiles at me as she speaks.
The thing is, I'm not good at interacting with people. Never have been. But if the other party is friendly and outgoing, I can make it work.
"If you don't mind," I try to smile back.
"Of course not," she beams. From her voice, I get a feeling that I've heard it before. But I don't think I've ever met her.
I take the heels off and stand on the cold marble floor barefoot. Trying to relieve the pain.
"Thank you for helping me. Actually, I'm not accustomed to wearing heels. I generally don't dress up like this."
"Yeah. I wouldn't have recognised you if not for your pink hair."
Eh? Recognised me? Wait a minute!
"You don't recognise me. I figured that already," she laughs.
Okay. This is really awkward. And I still have no idea who she is.
"You're Sakura. Aren't you?"
She even knows my name?
I simply stare at her. Trying my best to recall if I've ever seen her before.
"We met once. Like two years ago. Does that ring a bell to you?"
Unfortunately, it doesn't. But I find it embarrassing to admit. She remembers my name and I can't even remember where I saw her.
"I see," she chuckles, "Never mind. You probably have no reasons to remember me."
By that logic, you're not supposed to have any reasons to remember me either. But you clearly do. So, I don't think that makes much sense. Unless…
I did something bad to her and she's holding a grudge against me?
"But I'll never forget you. You're Sasuke's girlfriend after all…"
She probably continues speaking after that but I stop listening.
Sasuke's girlfriend.
I'm not Sasuke's girlfriend. I once was. But we broke up two years ago.
Suddenly I remember where I've seen her. At that restaurant. Yes. She had come to us and talked to Sasuke about 'finally finding a girlfriend.'
Yes! It's her.
But what was her name again?
"Can't deny that I was jealous of you. Well, to be honest, I think I still am."
I stare at her. A little taken aback by her blatant confession. I mean, who does that? We're not even acquaintances!
'That night, after returning home, I cried a lot," she laughs as she says this. As if, this is something very funny. "I couldn't accept the fact that he had a girlfriend now. You see, I've liked him since we were kids. But he never even cared. Then he goes to college and merely after two years, he is with you. Don't you think it's unfair?"
She's asking me.
What do I tell her? It doesn't even cross my mind that I can simply inform her that me and Sasuke are no longer together and be done with this really weird conversation.
"You know, I asked myself
What are the things she did for him that made him fall for her?
What did she do to deserve him more than I do?
I despised you so much."
This girl, who's claiming to despise me, appeared out of nowhere. Offering to help me. In fact, she's still holding my purse and my phone. I don't think I've ever been this confused in my entire life.
"But you know Sakura? It took me a while to realise, but I finally got it. It's not you I should be mad it. It's Sasuke. It was him who never even considered giving me a chance. And the funny thing is, I still can't bring myself to hate him. Love is such a stupid emotion. Don't you agree?"
"I do."
I answer instantly. To my own surprise. But then again, I have my own reasons. Plenty of them.
"You agreed so readily," even she looks surprised. "Whatever, in the end, I figured that I have no reasons to hold any grudge against you. You're just luckier than me. Certain people are just luckier than the others and if you try to ask why, there's just no explanations."
This girl is kind of weird. I mean, who talks to a complete stranger like this?
"Like I was born in a rich family, where I've had everything money can possibly buy. And then there's another girl, born on the streets, not even sure she'd have food to eat tomorrow. Why is it that I'm not in her place and she isn't in mine? What did I do to deserve this?"
I stare at her. Why is she suddenly talking like an advocate for human rights?
"So, I decided not to be jealous of you anymore. And I don't think it's fair of me to simply say you're lucky because Sasuke loves you. There might be other boys who are in love with you and thinking 'what did Sasuke do that I wouldn't do for her?'" she throws her head back as she laughs.
"I've always been afraid of this. Of seeing you again. I wasn't sure how I'd feel. And seeing you here today, it really hurts. Every moment I'm spending with you, there's a voice inside my head screaming 'Sasuke chose her over you'. For every smile I'm giving you, I'm having to stifle that voice. It's exhausting. But I've decided… to not hate you," she gives a smile that for the first time, can be recognised as a sad one. "And I don't want to run away from you. That's the reason I'm here, offering you my help. I want to be able to interact with you without feeling like I lost to you."
"You don't have to. Sasuke and I are not together anymore," I finally tell her and it's really irritating that I still have to explain this after two years of our break-up. But she clearly doesn't know.
Her eyes go wide in surprise.
"What? Why?"
"Well… even I'm not sure why but to keep it simple, I got dumped," I smile and reach my right hand for the purse and the mobile phone she's still holding.
"But… but why would he? I remember seeing you two back then at the restaurant. He looked so happy and peaceful. I mean, ever since his mom passed away, he has always looked like he wants to kill somebody. But that night, he looked so different. Why'd he break up with you?"
"Aren't you supposed to be happy?"
"Why'd I be happy?" she frowns.
"I'm not his girlfriend. So, maybe you still have a chance."
"As if," she gives a twisted smile, "Besides, I want him to be happy and I believe he was happy when he was with you."
What was her name again? I remember Sasuke telling me that all she wanted was to get into his pants. If I could, I'd tell him just how wrong he was.
"Well, whatever, at least now you know that I'm not that lucky girl you thought I am," I laugh, "I don't know who he is with now. I just hope he doesn't dump her like he did with me. No reasons, no explanations, it hurt so bad."
"I bet he isn't dating anyone. Actually I've been wondering this whole time about how you two make it work. I mean he looks so busy all the time. He still hasn't given up and is trying his best to make a comeback as a tennis player. I bet it's difficult. And these days, I heard he's also studying something."
"Comeback? Did he take a break?"
"You don't know? Did you two break-up before the accident? My bad. I simply assumed it was after he moved back. Cause you see, long distance relationships can be difficult to maintain."
"Excuse me, but which accident are you talking about?"
"The one he had two years ago. Where he damaged his shoulder and had to retire from tennis."
He had to WHAT?
"Why are you reacting like this? Did you not know about his accident?"
"I did. But… he had to retire?"
"Sakura?"
Tsunade's voice echoes in the hall.
"My professor is looking for me," I tell her as I put those cursed stilettos back on; "Thank you for your help. It was nice talking to you. Would you mind telling me your name once again? I'm sorry I've forgotten."
"It's Karin. Uzumaki Karin."
"I already told you, Naruto. I'm not going. I don't like repeating myself."
"Why are you so stubborn? I told Sakura I'm going to invite you, but she didn't react like this. She understands that both of you are important to me and I want both of you there."
"Good for you she understands. I'm not going," I stand up from the couch. Already heading upstairs to my room.
"Do you still love her? If you do, she too, hasn't dated anyone since her break-up with you, you know?"
"Are you completely out of your mind?" I turn around.
I can't believe he really is saying this. After knowing everything, just how can he?
"If you're really over her, then why are you refusing to come just because she's gonna be there? I didn't ask you to come last year, or the year before that. But since it's my third year winning the championship in a row, everyone said the party has to be big. And I want my best friend there. Just come, spend some time and leave. There's going to be other people. You don't even have to interact with Sakura."
"What if she wants to interact with me?"
"Seriously, Sasuke, in these two years, she has never once tried to ask me anything about you. I don't think she cares anymore. She's completely over it."
She is?
"I cannot."
"Are you going to keep acting like this forever? Hinata and I are getting married after our graduation next year. You'll not attend our wedding, our engagement party, anything? Because Sakura is definitely going to attend all of those. She's my friend and she's one of Hinata's closest friends."
"Then you guessed it correctly. I'm not attending any of those."
"That's too much, Sasuke."
"I don't care. I AM NOT coming to your party. I'm happy for you, but that's it. Now, leave."
.
.
.
I lie on my bed, staring at the ceiling. And I ponder.
Am I really overreacting? I mean, is she really that nonchalant about seeing me again? Am I the only one trying to run away?
Damn it!
I sit up and call Naruto.
"What now?"
"I changed my mind. I'll come."
Yes. I can't be a coward and run away forever. I'm over her. I made sure. I totally did. So seeing her again shouldn't be a problem anymore. And, yes, we had a proper closure that afternoon two years ago. She has no reasons to seek me anymore.
As soon as I get inside my flat, I call Naruto. I've been avoiding involving him in this for the past two years. But now, I need answers. Answers only he can give me. Well, technically he isn't the only one, but the other person isn't an available option right now.
"Hello, Sakura?"
"Naruto, I need to talk to you. It's very important. So, either I'm coming to your room or you can come here. What would you like to do?"
"Are you alright, Sakura? You sound really alarmed!"
"I'm fine, Naruto. But I really really need to talk to you."
"Well… actually, I'm not in my room. I went to… well, I went out. I'll go see you when I'm back."
"Okay. But do come. It's very important."
"Yeah. I will. Don't worry."
I go to the shower intending to calm my head.
That accident, he had to retire from tennis because of that? Didn't he say he was transferring? Was that a lie? How much of it was a lie?
Damn you, Sasuke!
.
.
.
I jump out of my bed as I hear the doorbell ring. I've already tidied up my couch so that I can offer him a seat and start my interrogation without wasting a single moment.
"What's the matter, Sakura? What do you want to talk about?" Naruto asks as he sits down.
"Listen, Naruto, I've avoided confronting you about this till now. But I no longer have a choice. So, please don't lie," I sit down on the stool facing him.
"Why are you being so serious? Honestly, you're starting to scare me now," he looks troubled as he runs his right hand through his spiky golden hair.
"Regarding Sasuke's accident two years ago: what exactly happened?"
Naruto freezes immediately. His mouth half-open, blue eyes wide, golden eyebrows rising to the forehead. He almost looks like a character in a film who was in the middle of a conversation when you paused the film. He's utterly shocked. I get it. And I hate doing this to him. But I don't know another way.
"Naruto?"
"What did you hear?" he sighs as he hangs his head. "I have to admit. I've always feared this day might come."
As I wait for him to continue speaking, I feel my heart rate accelerating.
"I'm not going to lie to you. To be honest, I've always felt kind of guilty. I call you my friend. Yet I kept you in the dark in spite of knowing everything. But you never asked and Sasuke practically threatened me to not utter a word about it to you."
He takes a pause and picks up the bottle from the coffee table. After gulping down some water, he resumes.
"That accident, after that, it looked like he couldn't continue playing. At least, on a competitive level. That was the reason he dropped out."
"He… didn't transfer…"
"No. He lied to you."
I have no idea how to deal with this new information.
"He lied to you because…" Naruto clenches his fists as he speaks, "Sasuke would kill me for telling you this but you deserve to know. He lied because he didn't want to hurt you."
Okay. I'm not sure how exactly that makes sense.
"Something happened between you two, right?"
"Something?" I scowl. Well, a lot of things happened between me and Sasuke. "Could you be more specific?"
"I don't know. He never gave me the details. The only thing he said was that he had broken his promise to never hurt you. And that to make sure he doesn't get a chance to do that again, he had to let go of you."
What on earth is he talking about?
"I know what he did was wrong. And maybe I shouldn't have helped him keep it from you. Trust me, Sakura, I tried my best. I almost had a fight with a guy who was still in his recovery stage after a major accident. But he was determined. He just won't listen. He said if you knew, you wouldn't let him go. He said, you loved him too much to do that."
That I did. He was right. But my question is…
"Naruto-"
"What?"
"Are you telling me that at the time he dumped me so cold-heartedly, he was still in love with me?"
"I've seen him months after your break-up. Honestly speaking, you were the one that surprised me. There were times when I'd ask myself if you even loved him as much as he loved you. But then, Sasuke isn't someone to trust a person easily. He doesn't see something bad in someone and goes hostile. He is hostile. And you have to work really hard to convince him that he can let go of that hostility in front of you. For him to say you loved him too much for your own good: that was what convinced me. I figured that you weren't showing your vulnerabilities to me. Maybe because I'm his best friend."
That's not true. It wasn't just him. I was acting tough. More than anyone else, I was acting in front of myself. Sometimes, the only way to make yourself believe something is to start with pretending first. That was all I could do back then. I would act strong in front of other people. Even Ino. The only person who saw right through me was Tsunade.
She said my emotions were showing in my arts. She said, one's art mirrors their feelings. And I couldn't argue.
"I think I should leave now. It's late already. I finally told you the truth. I'm feeling much better now," he gets up from the couch and starts walking towards the door.
"Naruto-"
"How has he been doing?"
My heart goes crazy, my voice shakes, I feel weak. I have cut him out of my life with much effort. Even during those days when I was feeling like the only way to live was to run to him and beg him to take me back, even then I managed to talk myself out of it. I told myself that nothing he does was any of my business anymore. Nothing.
So, having finally asked this question after all this time, I suddenly am nervous about the possible answer.
He used to love that game with every cell of his being. He had so many dreams. I have my own share of dreams. They are what make life worth living. How does it feel to have all your dreams snatched away from you? What can possibly keep you going after that?
"He was devastated at first. As you'd expect. But he has improved. He went through another surgery and is still recovering. He still practices at the academy where he used to go. I really hope he can make a comeback. He has worked so hard."
So do I. I, once again, find myself rooting for Sasuke. And it baffles me how easily I do it. It's like second nature to me.
"And he is also studying finance online."
"That's good."
"It is."
I knew he was strong. When his dreams came crumbling down, he didn't give up hope. He kept fighting. He tried to create other dreams too. If it was me, would I be able to manage that? Am I that strong?
"Oh. And Sasuke is coming to my party. Actually, it's his place I went to before."
Naruto is looking at me. I know what he's trying to ask. Am I okay with this? Now that I know the truth.
"I… well… I…" suddenly, I'm no longer sure whether I'm ready to see him yet.
"It's okay. You don't have to force yourself."
"I'll let you know. Thanks for understanding. This was way too unexpected."
"I know. And I really am sorry for keeping it from you. I truly am."
"You don't have to be. It's like you said. I never gave you a reason to tell me. So, it's okay," I give him a smile.
.
.
.
I feel hot tears streaming down my face as I take out an old sports magazine from my table. I open the page where the poster lies.
Kakashi's autograph.
This was supposed to be very precious to me. Something to treasure carefully. And that, I have done so far.
But why? Why put so much value on a piece of glossy paper?
Because this paper has Kakashi's autograph on it. And also a message he wrote especially for me.
But I've known since long ago that the value of this piece of paper has changed drastically from what it was the day I held it for the first time.
I wipe my cheeks. This is disgusting! I thought I was done crying over him. So, why?
That afternoon, when I felt the beats of his racing heart, I was very confused. He was lying. Seeing me there did affect him. But I didn't know how. Was it anger? Or disgust? Or simple excitement because of an unexpected turn of events?
Today, after two years, I finally got my answer.
And I don't know how to feel about it.
Should I be happy that he still loved me? That I wasn't a pathetic girl hopelessly in love with a boy who didn't return her feelings?
Or should I be mad that he let go of me like that even though he loved me so much?
Being cold-hearted to someone you don't care about is something. But being so heartless to someone you hold dear is something else.
.
.
.
"Hello?"
"Naruto?"
"What's it, Sakura?"
"You acted as his friend and kept the truth from me for two years. Now, can you do something for me as my friend?"
"What is it?"
"Please, don't tell him I know. Or, have you already?"
"I haven't."
"Then please."
There's a lingering silence for a while before he asks, "Will you be coming to the party?"
"I will."
"Then I definitely won't."
"What?"
"I don't want to make it any more awkward between you two than it already is."
"I see. Well, thank you I guess?"
"Oh, come on. I'm so glad you'll be coming."
"Me too," I chuckle.
As I hang up the phone, a thousand thoughts start jostling inside my brain.
Don't concern yourself with her.
Don't look her way.
Act calm and composed.
Pretend like she isn't even there.
I keep repeating these instructions to myself again and again as I reach the club.
I take a deep breath.
You can do it.
And I finally step inside.
I look around the crowded semi-lit private booth filled with all sorts of noises. Hoping to find Naruto. Because I never got along with people to begin with. And besides, there literally are people here I'd do anything to avoid.
"Let's make a toast," someone screams from near the bar.
I turn around. It's the ever enthusiastic Rock Lee. He sees me as well and shouts, "Oh, Sasuke!" and I feel everyone take a pause to turn around and look my way.
Shit!
I hate it.
"Wow! Bastard, you really did come," Naruto sounds contented.
I did. And I'm already starting to question whether that was a wise decision.
In front of the bar where everyone is gathered together and raising their glasses, I see her.
I don't allow my eyes to linger. But I've seen what I needed to see.
She has changed. That's the first thing I notice. I guess that's normal. After all, I'm seeing her after two years. That isn't exactly a short period of time.
Her hair that used to be long back then, is now short. Just a few inches below her chin. That, I think is the most striking difference.
She's still pretty. Well, actually, I think she is prettier. She looks more mature now. She looks like a woman. She's wearing a light green dress that compliments her pink hair and bright green eyes a little too well.
I immediately remember Naruto's words.
'…she, too, hasn't dated anyone since her break-up with you, you know?'
And why am I remembering this right now? I'm over her. I checked.
But then, what is this uncomfortable feeling inside my chest? It isn't love. It can't be. We are literally strangers at this point.
But emotions are complicated. You can't just put them into separate boxes and label them. Sometimes, they get intertwined so intricately, you cannot make one out separately. No matter how cautiously you try, you simply cannot tug at one string without pulling the others along with it.
I don't know how to define this strange feeling. But I know enough to know that keeping my distance from her is what's best for me. And I focus on that.
I don't touch alcohol tonight. I've never lost control before. But tonight isn't the time to take any risk.
As the party goes on, I steal glances at her from time to time while sitting by myself at a corner. The way she smiles, the way she talks freely to everyone and laughs, she really is having fun. She isn't hurting anymore. That's a relief.
And for some reason, it also hurts a little to think that I no longer have a place in her life. To her, now I'm a nobody.
.
.
.
"My legs are hurting. Is there a place to sit?" suddenly I hear her voice.
"I see one in that corner," someone speaks, indicating towards where I'm sitting.
Sakura takes a look. And our eyes meet for a fraction of a second before she looks away immediately.
"Ah, there. But I want to dance some more," she says and continues dancing.
.
.
.
I never should have come. This party is nothing but a game of hide and seek for me. Having to constantly focus on not getting close to Sakura. This is anything but fun.
But still, I don't regret coming. At least I got to see her. I got know that she's doing well. She survived the damage,
.
.
.
"Get closer, everybody, we need everyone in the frame."
Damn it!
I've never liked taking photos. But well, Naruto literally dragged me and here I am. In the middle of the crowd and I have no idea how, but I ended up beside Sakura.
I do everything in my power to ensure I don't touch her.
.
.
.
I keep sipping my mint tea standing beside the door. This spot is the best because no-one even bothers to look my way. Except for those who keep coming in and going out the door to use the facilities.
I see Sakura approaching out of the corner of my eye. But by now, I have somehow mastered the art of avoiding her. So, I don't get too worked up. I keep my calm façade and continue drinking my tea while ignoring her completely.
She gets closer and my heart keeps beating faster. But thankfully I can keep it from showing on my face. Sakura gets near me and where she's supposed to walk straight out of the door, she ruins all my calculations and turns left. I finally lift my face to find her standing right in front of me.
"So, how are you these days?"
Excuse me?
I stare at her. She is talking to me.
Yes.
Me.
I'm literally the only person here in this corner.
What?
But she's asking me a question. Like you would normally ask someone if you met them after two years. And the fact is, no matter how hard I try, or how hard she tries, the history between us can't be erased.
"Fine," I say flatly.
"I see," she smiles. Her bright green eyes shining.
And suddenly I have this urge. I don't know where this comes from. But I feel the need to say something. Anything.
She did it. She walked up to me and asked me a question. And we both know this question is just an excuse. She could have asked me the colour of the sky and it wouldn't have mattered the slightest bit. Because it's not about the question.
It's about breaking the ice. And she's doing her part.
"How about you?" I ask calmly. Like this isn't my first time talking to her in two years with her actually standing in front of me. Like my heart isn't racing so fast inside my chest that it's almost starting to frighten me.
"Good," she nods as she smiles slightly.
And suddenly I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off my chest.
Note: Took me a while to finish this chapter. Hope you all are doing well and are alive. Because the summer heat is making me doubt how much longer I'm going to live.
Take care, June (≧◡≦) (