Chapter Twenty:
He didn't know why he called her before he was scheduled to leave but he needed her.
She smiled when he walked into the restaurant.
He sat down and ordered quickly.
"You look worried," said Heather.
"Sara asked me to come and see her," he said. "My flight leaves soon."
"You're afraid of what she's going to tell you," said Heather.
"I'm afraid I might not be able to accept it. She's seemed different these last few weeks," he said.
"Sara is very strong…yet fragile…just like you. You're only strong when you're together. You are the perfect couple," she said sipping on her coffee.
"That's what worries me," he said. "How do I exist without her?"
"I felt that way when I lost my daughter, Zoe. I didn't want to exist anymore but then you showed me there was something just as important, my granddaughter."
Grissom smiled slightly.
"You're afraid you're not going to be strong enough to help her get through this," said Heather.
Grissom said nothing as he held the coffee cup.
"Gil, trust your emotions. They led you to Sara," said Heather. "Don't be afraid to let her see you're just as vulnerable. There is power in submission. It's not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength."
He felt guilty for leaving the team but then the guilt slipped away the moment he stepped on the plane and knew that in just a couple of hours he would have her in his arms again. He leaned back and closed his eyes as he felt the plane lift into the air. He would also know whether he would be returning by car. He had purchased a one way ticket. He tried to prepare himself in case she told him she would not be returning.
She said she was almost ready to come home…
What if she's changed her mind?
She seemed different…
He had slept little the past few days and he closed his eyes as he gave himself permission to rest. There was no case that needed his attention. There was no worker that needed his undivided attention. There was no personnel who wanted to know when he would be returning because he had avoided their attempts to press him with an answer. He had none. He wouldn't have an answer until he returned to her and then he would know whether he could breathe easier. This time away from her had been difficult at best. He threw himself into his work and for the first time in many years his body had rejected the abuse and he had faced his age with the pneumonia.
He wanted her to come home with him. He did not want to return to an empty townhouse and an empty bed. Her scent was now gone from just about everything in the place and it laid heavy on his heart that she could easily break him with what she was going to tell him. He had resigned that if she chose not to return, he would not as well. He couldn't. His life was Sara. It was not the unit or the work or the lab.
He was tired of pretending his life was in Vegas when in fact it was in Tomales Bay and he was determined to have it again. He felt a tap on his shoulder and the stewardess offered him a drink. He took it. He was not one to drink alcohol frequently but at the moment he felt he needed it. He felt it slide down his throat and he welcomed the warm sensation. He downed another before he knew what he was doing. He stopped at two. He was not a drinker and already he felt a slight buzz but knew that the lack of sleep and food had not helped matters.
Before another thought could enter his mind, he was stepping off the plane and now hunting for his luggage. She offered to come and pick him up but he chose a taxi telling her to avoid the traffic. Besides, he did not think she was well. She sounded weak and more tired these days forgetting conversations from the day before and telling him she was not herself. When pressed for answers she had become distant and for a moment he thought she was slipping away from him again. When he confronted her with his fears, she had skirted around her answers only telling him that she was getting better.
Depression could do that.
It could bring a person crashing down, causing them to break ties with their family and even running away.
Sara had done that. She had run leaving a cryptic note behind.
If I stay I might self destruct …
He told himself she had not self destructed. She had gotten better with his last visit. He told himself over and over that she had been getting better. She had even said it herself.
Depression could do that.
It could bring euphoria one minute and then crippling melancholy the next.
He had seen happy moments followed by the bouts of melancholy that surrounded her at times. She had poured herself into her work during those times and he felt she used her job as therapy. That did not last. She tried to hide her fears and insecurities from him and the others. She had been good at it for awhile until it had become too much to handle.
Her darkest secrets became known to him in a moment of weakness for her.
Depression could do that.
It could cause a person to reach out just before they felt themselves going under. Some could overcome the emotional and physical pain in their lives.
He had seen Sara's emotional scars first hand and he knew they ran deep.
Some persons recovered without help.
Some persons required medication and even hospitalization.
Some persons did not recover.
He had seen enough suicides in his life time.
Depression could do that.
She had been diagnosed with post traumatic stress.
He also knew that it was depression.
They had spoken about it only briefly.
He now wondered if it had been a mistake.
He felt his chest tighten and he asked the taxi driver to hurry.
His hands shook as he paid the cab fare and then he was immediately on her door step. He could make out her body on the couch. He fished around in his pocket and produced the key stepping inside. He set down his suitcase and locked the door. He called but she remained lying on the couch. The fire had all but died out. There was a slight chill in the air.
"Sara?"
When she did not answer he switched on the light in the kitchen and headed toward the couch. His heart skipped a beat when he saw the empty prescription bottle lying on the floor and the empty glass on the table. He was rushing now to her side as he began to check her vitals followed by trying to wake her. She jumped causing him to sit back on the table and he let out a ragged breath.
"Gil?" She asked urgently as she sat up.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to startle you," he said as he tried to catch his breath.
"What's wrong?" she asked trying to calm down from being awakened so abruptly.
"I uhm…it's just…" he grabbed her at that moment and held her. She felt the wetness on his cheeks but said nothing. She waited until he was ready to break the contact and when he didn't she pulled him over to the couch. He sat there holding her in his arms as he softly whispered how much he had missed her.
His voice was raw with emotion.
"I've missed you," he managed to get out.
He kissed her the moment he saw the first tear slide down her face.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"
"I've missed you too," she said.
He turned now to face her. "It's good to see you again. Come home please."
He had not wasted any time in getting to the issue of home.
She glanced down and took a deep breath.
"We need to talk," she said.
"Let's talk," he said.
"You're tired. Have you eaten?" she asked.
"Sara, I need to know," he sighed. He silently berated himself, forcing himself to slow down. "Yes I'm tired and I could eat."
"Good, cause I could eat also," she said.
She started to get up but he pulled her back down.
"You okay?" he asked.
She smiled. "I am now. You're here."
They both stood and he assisted with dinner.
"It's been chilly most days," she said. "it's almost too cold to walk on the beach."
"Still going to counseling?" he asked softly.
"Yes. You'll be proud to know that I put that journal to good use and have been writing in it every day. It's almost full."
He smiled. "That's good. Counseling is helping then?"
"Yes…I think the trip has helped the most. I've had time to think through some things…things I had been putting off for some time."
"I'm glad you took time for yourself."
She glanced at the couch, noticing the empty pill bottle and the glass. She then remembered how he had acted.
"You thought I tried to kill myself?" she asked suddenly.
Their eyes met.
"We never talked about the depression. You've seemed different lately but you wouldn't tell me what's wrong. You said you were almost ready to come home and yet you tell me to come for a visit. The empty pill bottle on the floor, the glass, your unresponsiveness….yes God help me Sara I thought you had and it scared the hell out of me."
"I'm sorry…I see how it must have looked," she said reaching for his hand. "I finished my prescription. Gil, I would never do that…I could never leave you…not like that," she said.
"Then what's wrong?" he asked almost pleading.
"There's nothing wrong," she said.
"Sara…"
She began to pick up the dishes and he quickly helped not wanting to leave her side.
"This medication…" he began.
"I promise I'll explain soon. Are you tired?" she asked.
He wanted to say no but he knew she could see it on his face.
"Let's go to bed," she whispered.
"I thought you'd never ask," he said.
He soon found her in his arms and his hand held hers while he cradled her head. His finger rubbed the wedding band.
"Have you gotten used to wearing this?" he asked.
"Yes…I have," she said. "And you?"
"I hardly ever notice it until I think of you and it reminds me that I still have you."
She kissed him gently on the lips. It was brief and light and sweet and then she was pouring herself into him and he lost all need for conversation. He pawed at the gown and they struggled with the clothing. He had intended to wait until they had talked but now he wanted nothing more than to make love to her. Flashes of the empty pill bottle and her still body forced him to plunge deeply inside her over and over whispering endearments as he waited for her to catch up with him but she was already there and soon they were spiraling downward together. It had been too intense and she found herself still trembling from the intensity of their lovemaking.
"I've missed you," he said.
"I could tell," she said with a grin.
She propped up her head and looked at him. He did the same.
She gazed into his eyes.
She loved his eyes.
"Going to talk with me now?" he asked.
"You've been telling me I need a diversion," she said softly.
"Yes…I have."
"If I had a diversion…something that could keep me busy, focused on something other than the job and…"
"You've decided on a diversion? Is this what you need to talk to me about?"
"It affects us both."
He didn't like the sound of that.
"What did you have in mind?"
You're not coming back…
You're going to move somewhere else…
You've decided…
"A baby."
He wasn't prepared for that. He expected her to tell him she had chosen a different profession or she had decided to remain there or move somewhere other than Vegas. He was not prepared for the discussion of a baby. Sara never hinted that she wanted a family. In fact, she had done the opposite.
"Sara…I'm fifty one….most men my age have children in college. I never thought of having a family….it took me this long to even love someone…I love you. I want you…Aren't we enough?"
She felt the tightness in her chest and she told herself to remain calm.
"I uhm..had hoped you would want to have a child," she managed to get out.
"Maybe ten or fifteen years ago but not now. I'm past that. I thought you were too…it was one of the reasons I didn't want to get involved with you. You're young…"
"I'm thirty five…I was young when I came to Vegas….that was nine years ago."
He knew the conversation was not going as either of them had planned.
"Sara, I uhm…when did you decide that you wanted a child?"
When I found out I was pregnant…
When I couldn't stop the vomiting..
When the stomach virus wouldn't go away…
When my counselor insisted I take a pregnancy test…
When William stayed with me until I could formulate a sentence after the test was positive…
"You don't want a child?" she asked.
"Let's focus on us …"
"You're saying you don't want a child at this stage of your life."
He didn't want to answer.
"I've been in counseling for months now. I know all the tricks of avoidance. They get you nowhere. I'm a poster child…" her choice of words seemed bitter in her mouth.
"I had not planned or wanted a child at this juncture," he said quietly.
She nodded.
She nodded even though she thought she felt herself slipping into the darkest and deepest depression she had ever encountered. She smiled. Her wall came up and she hid her emotions not letting him see how much this conversation had hurt. It hurt more than a fire engine red Mustang and for some reason she felt the same pressure and hopelessness as she did when she lay under it.
Note from author:
Okay, so I went to bed early last night to avoid posting another chapter. I have to finish this story up soon. I leave next Friday for Florida…no ghost hunt unless Disney World is haunted. LOL. This means I have to finish this story…yes I have to give it an ending. I am almost there. I will try to finish it so I can give you the ten chapter warning but I have been going back and combining chapters…I'm sure you would prefer longer chapters and less cliff hangers… LOL
Take care,
Penny