You brought this on yourself

A/N: I started this out as one thing and it kinda morphed into something else along the way.

Lissa talks to Rose after "Love Fades, Mine has", Chapter 15. Rose finds an interesting way for Dimitri to occupy his time.

Lissa knocked on my door. It was late, she was usually in bed by now. After opening the door cautiously, I let her in.

"What were you thinking today at the church?". I didn't need the bond to tell she was mad. "I told you he needs time. Next time you "visit" me while I try to council him, take a look at his aura. It reflects his heart. There's nothing there but grief and remorse for now." Always the empath, Lissa was saddened by Dimitri's state. And it wasn't just because he was suffering a fate he didn't deserve. She was sad for me, for what I'd lost. "I don't know if there will ever be anything else. All he does in his free time is think about all the lives he took and what he did to you. And he has a lot of free time." Lissa's voice slowly calmed to a gentle tone. "He confessed to me that he was beyond the point of wanting to turn you, he wanted to bleed you dry. That's why he can't even look at you. You need to give him space for now. Not only for his benefit but for your own. He's only going to hurt you more. Any heart break you feel over what happened today, you brought on yourself." And there it was, the I told you so. It wasn't even driven by smugness, it was genuine concern for my wellbeing.

"How can you say that?" I asked incredulously. She knew what it meant to me to have him back.

"Because he's not ready. He's not ready to face you." Lissa said, her under flaring up again. "And I told you that. I love you Rose, and I don't want to see you get even more hurt."

I was silent for a while.

"You know how some people need time to adjust while others go into shock and need to be slapped out their funk?" I asked Lissa.

She practically growled at me knowing what I meant. "This is not one of those times. God, your stupid Rose logic! Slapping him, or punching and kicking and screaming is not going to help him!"

"And you think codling him is?"

"For now, yes". Lissa looked thoughtful. "He's been back less than two weeks. You have to be patient. I know that's not one of your virtues, but please, for me. Try.".

I nodded. "So, he has a lot of free time, huh?" I pondered out loud.

"Yes Rose. Oh no. I know that look. What are you up to?" She was wary.

"Nothing. I promise."

Lissa parted shortly after, not before making sure I had food in the apartment besides junk food, and I was left alone. Again. But this time I had an idea and purpose. I promised I wouldn't see him, and I wasn't lying. Probably.

A few days later I found myself lugged a big box across court. It was heavy as hell. It reminded me of the box I lugged around for Yeva in Baia, but this time it was my own doing.

I got to his door. The guardians stopped me.

"Guardian Hathaway, we have strict orders from Princess Dragomir not to let you in."

Sneaky bitch! I taught her well.

"That's fine boys. I have no intention of going in. I'm just dropping this off." I dropped the package on the welcome mat with a loud thud. Unfortunately, I'd also dropped the package on one of the guardian's feet. The big baby started jumping up and down, yelling that I broke his foot.

All the commotion outside his door alerted Dimitri. "What's going on?"

"You have a visitor", the wounded guardian huffed.

"I'm not visiting, I just dropping off a package". I held my hands in surrender, I really didn't want to antagonize Dimitri any more.

"What happened to you?" Dimitri asked the guardian.

"She," He snickered, "Dropped that on my foot". Apparently he thought he could walk it off and started limping back and forth up and down the hall for a few feet.

"Maybe you should see a medic?" Dimitri said, all the while his second guard was laughing his ass off.

"I can't leave until I'm relieved".

"Uh, I'm free. I can cover for you. It's the least I could do, I did drop the crate on your foot".

The guardian gave me a murderous look and hopped off without so much as a thank you.

"I'm sorry Dimitri, I'll just finish this shift and be out of your hair. And don't worry. I'll be silent as the grave".

Dimitri nodded. Then looked at the crate. It really was more of a small crate than a cardboard box. "What's in here?"

"Your stuff. From the academy."

He raised his eyebrow at me. Damn him. Was he tormenting me on purpose?

I swallowed. "Lissa told me you have a lot of free time so I brought you this. It has all your stupid westerns, and some other stuff." I was beginning to ramble.

"How did you get this?"

"I, um, I packed it. Before I left for Russia." I paused remembering that day. "Alberta told me you had no will and left no instructions on what to do with your belongings in the event of…" I trailed off, I couldn't think about that anymore. "Anyway, she told me that someone would vacate your room eventually and asked if there was anything in there I wanted". I looked at my shoes and completely disregarded the guard next to us. "I couldn't bare the thought of all your stuff being tossed away as if you were never there, as if you never existed. So I packed it all up and had it stored with my things before I left."

Dimitri just nodded.

"Anyway I figured you might be bored, and this has a lot of books in it".

"Thank you". He bent over and picked up the crate effortlessly. He shut the door behind him.

I stood guard at Dimitri's door, covering for the baby who's foot I apparently broke. I knew the next shift should be by in another half hour.

My relief just arrived and I was about to leave when Dimitri pulled his door open again.

"Rose, I just wanted to say thank you again, for bringing my things." The corner of his mouth twitched. It was like he was fighting back a smile. I knew the box's content would make him happy, or as close to happy as he could be. All his westerns were in there, as well as a small photo album of his family and a few photos of him and Ivan. He also had some letters in there. Not that I'd pried, but they were in Russian anyway.

"You're welcome, Dimitri".

"Can you come in for a moment? I promise it won't take long". I nodded, wondering what on earth he could want. I thought he wanted me to stay away from him.

As went to the living room he asked if I wanted a drink. Always the gentleman.

"Just water".

All the contents of the crate had been scattered in the living room, most of his cloths we folded neatly in an arm chair. His books had been piled on the coffee table, along with some picture frames of Olena and the girls. I picked up one of the picture and looked at the family that took me in when I came to tell them they'd lost their only son. I missed them. I traced my finger over Vika and Olena.

"Here". Dimitri scared me. He was always so stealthy.

I took the water and handed him the picture. "You know Sonya's due date is coming up". I was nervously trying to make small talk.

"I didn't know that".

"Yeah, she's having a girl. Paul was so excited about another baby in the family, but he said he wants it to be a boy. I think he's sick of being surrounded by girls." I laughed. That kid is so cute. "You know what that's like", I told him, referring to him growing up the same way. He just looked uncomfortable. Boy, I was never good at small talk but I didn't think I was this bad. Maybe my small talk wasn't so small.

"The reason I asked you in is because I have something of yours here." He said, cutting right to the chase. He handed me a small velvet box from the coffee table.

"I packed everything in here myself. There's nothing here that belongs to me." I said, shaking my head but taking the box.

"One of my books isn't a book, it's a box that looks like a box. Victoria got it for me when I graduated. She said it was in case I ever needed to hind anything". Thinking of an eleven year old Viktoria brought a small smile to my face.

I reluctantly opened the box and gasped. I nearly dropped it. "How?" was all I could formulate.

"I was the one who threw it out the window, so I knew where to look for it, more or less. I'm sorry I didn't give it back before, I didn't know how to bring it up, at first. And later, it didn't seem like the right time. An when it was the right time, I never got the chance".

I nodded as I grazed my finger over the rose pendant. It was the necklace Victor had given me. The one he charmed, with lust. Specifically coined for me and Dimitri to distract us from saving Lissa.

Suddenly that night came rushing back to me. The feel of Dimitri's hands and lips on me. The look he got in his eyes when all his inhibitions we removed. The first time he told me I was beautiful. He told that night he found peace with me. Where was that peace now?

I shed a tear at the memory, knowing he'd never look at me the same way again. He wasn't the same man I fell in love with.

"Why did you even look for it?" I asked.

"At the time, I couldn't bare the thought of someone else finding it, someone else having it." At the time… and now he can barely stomach the sight of me.

"Why are you giving this to me?" I questioned, closing the box.

"Because it's yours" He looked at me puzzled.

"It was a cruel gift from an evil man, and only serves as a bitter reminder of the things I won't ever have", I handed it back to him. "It meant enough to you to look for it, you should keep it." I took a deep breath. If I didn't know any better I'd say that hurt him. But he had his guardian mask on and I did know better.

"I know with us the bad outweighs the good. But don't let bad memories taint the good ones", Dimitri said, not taking the boxed from me.

"Always with the zen life lessons. If the bad outweighed the good with us I wouldn't be here right now, Comrade. And no amount of bad memories will erase what we had. It just hurts too much to think about what we've lost." I didn't care that he could see my pain. He saw more of my pain than anyone else. Even more than Lissa or Adrian.

"For now." He nodded slightly, I knew it hurt him too. "Someday it'll hurt less".

"You should heed your own words". He knew what I was referring to. I kept the box and headed to the door.

"Why did Alberta ask you if you wanted anything of mine?" Dimitri asked abruptly.

"I get the felling she knew about us," I answered, "not everything, certainly not the cabin or the lust charm. But she knew I was more than your student, and you were more than my mentor."

Again he nodded.

"Good bye Dimitri". I shut the door behind me.

But I heard him whisper "Good bye Roza" after I was already in the hall.

Him calling me Roza again made my heart swell more than it had any right to. It gave me hope that I was desperately trying to squash.

Once again I found my self in my room, crying into my pillow, wishing Dimitri and I had a different fate. I thought back to the time I'd spent with him today and realized that I had accepted we didn't have a future together anymore. By my own admission reminder of things I won't ever have. I knew my love would never fade but I also knew I'd give up on him, on us. I fell asleep wondering if he realized it too.