Journal Entry #20
So, I told her. I don't think I needed to to be honest. We went for a walk and then we went back to her hotel room. I could see it in her eyes before I even spoke. The dread. I told her everything. About the cancer. About how sorry and selfish I am. But she was amazing. She cried. I cried too. It was terrible. But I told her I'd fight this for her, and I intend to. I don't want to be her grenade. I cant do that to her! That doesn't mean I'm not going to be with her though, or leave her if I "give up the good fight". It hurts so much thinking about what it'll put her through if and when I die, but it'll hurt so much more if I end this before its even begun and deny the both of us the right to be in love. I'll stay with her until the end. God, I love her so so much. We're on the plane back home now. Amsterdam feels like a distant dream. We had some champagne earlier and talked some more. I have to admit, its nice to be able to be honest with her if I get a sudden ache somewhere instead of having to pretend that I'm fine. I don't know how long I slept for after that but I'm awake now and Hazel Grace is asleep with her head resting on my shoulder and her arm entwined with mine. She is so beautiful. Mrs Lancaster's asleep too. What a jackass she must think I am. My folks told Hazel Grace's parents about the cancer before Amsterdam. They must think I'm such a selfish assclown for keeping it from their daughter. All I can do is hope they don't.
So, I'm gonna try and get some more sleep now before we land. My dad called before we got on the plane and he says Doctor Cameron's coming over to talk through what my options are next. I hope whatever it is, it does the trick.
A.W