AN: Ok, this is where the story begins to take an AU turn. I hope you all enjoy this chapter, thank you.

Chapter Nineteen

Sirius lay on his front, his head cushioned on his folded arms as he lay still, his eyes half-closed as James' long fingers dug deep into the tense flesh of his bare shoulders. "Mmm." He sighed, smiling a little as he felt the tension ease.

"Good?" James asked softly, smiling down at the back of Sirius' head from where he sat astride him.

"Yeah...a bit lower..."

James chuckled softly and moved his hands slowly down Sirius' bare back, his fingers needing the muscles. After a moment he paused, Sirius' eyes opened sleepily as he realised James' hands were no longer there before he felt lips replace them. A shudder ran down his spine, making his skin erupt into goose bumps. His lips parted and his tongue darted out to wet them as James kissed his way slowly up his spine and finally reaching his neck, gentle hands brushed hair away from the nape of his neck and Sirius' smile grew as James began running his tongue across his rapidly heating flesh. As James shifted into a more comfortable position he placed one hand on the bed by Sirius' head just as his eyes opened again, they landed upon the simple golden band that decorated his finger and something inside Sirius seemed to wither. "Jamie?" He began in a rough voice.

"Mm?"

"Stop it." Sirius shifted, causing James to slide off of him and allowing him to roll over to look at his friends confused face. "We can't..." He pushed a hand into his hair and averted his eyes, closing them to hide from James' well loved face. "We shouldn't be-"

"Shouldn't be what? Shagging? Sirius I've already told you Lily's ok with this, she knows and she doesn't care. Why are you trying to break it off now, after all this time?"

"Because I-I...I just...You're with Lily now, Jamie! You're married for crying out loud, you're going to move in together soon and then you'll start thinking about kids and I...I don't fit into that plan! You know I don't!"

"Of course you fit into that plan, Sirius! You're my best mate, my brother and lover...we can have it all, a family and a relationship, you know that my family is yours."

Sirius forced himself to look at James and knew instantly it was a mistake, he swallowed as pain flowed down his back, trailing frozen fingers over his skin. "It's a dream, Prongs. A stupid, childish dream. What kind of kid wants to be raised in an environment where his father's fucking his best mate whenever he can? It's not like we could keep it a secret from them. It has to end! I have to end it because I know you wont! Please, James, don't make this any harder than it already is!" Sirius voice cracked a little and he turned away, putting his bare back to James in an attempt to order his thoughts. Suddenly he felt the heat from James' body against his own, the soft rub of his cotton t-shirt and then those wonderful, oddly beautiful hands sliding over his chest and making his breath hitch dangerously. "Jamie..." He meant to say it firmly but his voice slipped from his lips in a sigh.

"Do you love me?" James whispered, nipping lightly at Sirius' ear lobe and taking hold of his shoulders to turn him so that they were face to face. He pressed his forehead against Sirius' and buried his hands deep into his luxurious hair. "Do you love me, Sirius?"

"I-I...You know I do!" Sirius replied, forcing his body to remain stiff even as James' lips brushed his and he yearned to give in, to kiss back.

"Then say it. Tell me you love me."

"Jamie...Please...I can't. Not now."

"You can." James' tongue teased Sirius' lips, his eyes sparkling behind his slightly wonky glasses. In that moment Sirius realised just how beautiful James Potter really was, it wasn't a physical thing, it was his courage, his faith, his innate loyalty and most of all it was his passion for the things he treasured. James Potter truly glowed when he was loved and Sirius took a deep breath, as if he were about to plunge himself into deep water. "I love you, James Potter." He whispered and revelled in James' smile as it lit the whole room before it was eclipsed by Sirius' own mouth.

"I love you too." James breathed, pulling away and running a hand gently through Sirius' hair. "More than you know. Which is exactly why I refuse to let you leave me, I know you better than you know yourself and I know that you're a selfish bastard really and all these protests are just a farce, what you really want is me and so I'm going not going to let you pretend to back out of this. We're in for the long haul so you may as well get comfy."

Through his uncertainty Sirius grinned wickedly, he tipped his head to the side and moved in for another kiss. "I'm also weak, Potter. So very, very weak." He muttered and dragged James into his lap, his hands finding James' denim clad bottom and gripping it tightly as he plunged his tongue into James' willing mouth. They moaned heavily as the sun began to set outside the window, they saw and heard nothing as the outside world ceased to exist until it was only the two of them, together, forever, exactly how it was meant to be.

XXX

"SIRIUS BEHIND YOU!"

Hard, well muscled arms grabbed him from behind. He struggled uselessly as his captor laughed into his ear, sending hot breath over his cheek and making him cringe. Sirius lifted his arm with difficulty and rammed his elbow into the man's gut, he heard a gasp and he was released. He landed on his feet and spun around, sending a jet of crimson light at the Death Eater and watching in satisfaction as he collapsed. He turned to James and gave him a brief thumbs up before turning around and searching for his next opponent, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he realised that they had defeated them. He relaxed as James and Lily, Peter and Remus walked over to him, James had a scratch on his face but it didn't appear to be serious, Peter's hair was standing on end and his teeth were chattering slightly, his eyes had a disturbing wild caste to them and they were darting around as if there were still enemies about to attack. Remus looked exhausted, his hair had more grey in it than ever but he was smiling weakly and Lily, apart from the fact that he dark red hair was a birds nest around her face, was unharmed. Sirius let himself relax, pushing his shirt sleeves up his arms and checking his face for wounds automatically. He found none and finally let a smile grace his face. "Well, that was well done, even if I do say so mysel-"

"GET DOWN!"

Sirius ducked but a second too late. He felt heat sear the left side of his body and cried out helplessly as his legs collapsed beneath him. Lily screamed from somewhere above him and he saw, through a haze of agony and smoke, her boots move past him at a run. He heard voices, voices that barely made any sense as pain throbbed through his left arm, his leg and his ribs. He groaned and felt cool hands on his face.

"He's burned but he'll live...who was that? Are they-?"

"Dead."

Sirius forced his eyes open and managed, with immense difficulty to climb to his feet. James helped him, his glasses were cracked and he stank of singed hair. Sirius saw Remus kneeling beside a body and he slowly limped over to him, attempting to crouch but falling to the ground instead. He gazed down at a masked figure, and felt a squirming sensation in his gut. Remus removed the mask and Sirius found himself gazing down into a familiar face. "D-Dorian?" He rasped, the world swimming as he saw the damage to Dorian's body. He had obviously thrown himself in front of whatever spell had been aimed at Sirius and taken the brunt of it. His mask had melted, his robes were ashes and his skin was blistered and black. Tears choked Sirius, his eyes burned savagely and he tried to stifle the suffocating feeling of grief as it rose up into his throat like puke. "He...he saved me..." He muttered, feeling strong arms wrap around his shoulders and attempt to get him back on his feet, he refused. He sat there stubbornly and stared down into Dorian's face as numbness crept into him.

"I missed them. They dissapparated before I could stun them." Lily was back, pushing hair from her eyes furiously and panting heavily. "Isn't that Dorian? The Hufflepuff from our year at school?"

"Yeah." James replied, looking up at his wife with a grim expression. "Come on, we need to get Sirius some medical attention."

"No." Sirius tried to push James away but James held on. "Can't leave him..."

"He's dead, there's nothing more we can do." Remus said gently.

"My fault." Sirius whispered, a single tear slipping free from his eye so that he lifted his good arm and wiped it away, angry at himself for such a display.

"This isn't your fault, Sirius." James said softly, gently urging Sirius to his feet, he went reluctantly, eyes still glued to the corpse of his one time lover.

"It is." Sirius replied, or at least he tried to. The world went grey and he swayed dangerously, his eyes rolled up into his head as pain shot through him like lightning and he collapsed, slipping into cool, welcoming darkness.

He awoke in his own bedroom, James sat by his bedside with a book in his hands and a cup of tea raised to his lips, when he realised Sirius was awake he turned and smiled. "Hi." He said and put down his tea, he leaned forward in his chair and began checking Sirius' wounds which were bandaged with clean white bandages. "Looks like Lily and Frank did an excellent job on your wounds, they're healing up fine and no scarring."

"Thanks." Sirius forced a smile but his eyes were dark, he could still see Dorian's face in his minds eye and he felt the heavy weight of guilt in his chest. James seemed to read his mind as he sighed heavily, he turned and picked up his own tea before thrusting it into Sirius' shaking hands. "You can't blame yourself for this, mate. You never made Dorian join the Death Eaters, in fact you even gave him a way out and he refused you. It was his idea to protect you, it was his own decision to do the things he did, don't take it to heart. I admit, I hate the idea that I owe him for saving your life."

Sirius shook his head and gazed down into the light brown liquid inside the mug, the warmth was friendly and comforting in his hands. "I should have done more, maybe if i'd-"

"There's nothing you could have done, stop dwelling on it. Drink up and get some rest, you need it." James smiled and leaned down, pressing a kiss to Sirius' lips before withdrawing and leaving the room. Sirius sighed shakily and drank some of his tea, still the memory of Dorian's face, pale and lifeless, would haunt him for the rest of his life. He closed his eyes as it hit him suddenly that this was real, it wasn't a game, they could all die. Their lives were so fragile, so precarious and they were throwing themselves deliberately into harms way. One day it could be Remus' face that haunted Sirius' nightmares, it could be Peter's or Lily's or- he gasped and almost spilt tea over his hands, his eyes flew open as he had a sickening image of James' lifeless body lying as Dorian's had done, glasses askew and eyes gazing blankly up at the unseen sky. A shudder ripped through him as terror, true terror, sank its claws into him. His stomach turned into knots and he fought hard to keep himself from throwing up. No. No James could not be allowed to die. If James died Sirius would too, he would wither away and cease to exist. He couldn't allow it to happen. Without James he was nothing. James was his very reason for existing, he was his whole universe, the idea of James dying was too terrifying to even comprehend. His eyes darkened as he gazed off into his room, they were blind to the posters he had put up on his walls, to the peeling wall paper and slightly battered furniture. All he saw was his world without James. A world of utter darkness.

XXX

He wasn't entirely sure he even had a plan until he found himself standing outside his old house in Grimmauld Place. He wore a cloak and had the hood pulled low over his face as he lurked in the shadows of the trees opposite, he watched the door and waited until he knew for certain that it was empty. Finally he plucked up the courage to step towards the old building and moved silently across the street until he was stood at the door, he stared at the snakes head knocker for a long time before swallowing hard and lifting a shaking hand, he tapped lightly against the wood of the door three times and watched it open upon the dark hall way. He slipped inside, not allowing himself time to consider what he was doing, he closed the door behind him and took a quiet breath, horribly aware of the portraits that slept soundly in their frames all along the hall. He pulled his emotions together and took a step further into the house, he needed to get to the library, he was certain that it was there that he would find what he needed. Sirius muffled his footsteps, wishing he had borrowed James' old cloak and wondering if he was doing something suicidal. He pushed all memories aside, even as they threatened to un-man him and forced himself to creep to the stairs, he didn't dare enter the kitchen, that was Kreacher's domain and he had no wish to alert the foul creature to his presence. He moved up the stairs, automatically avoiding those that creaked, his fingers slid over the familiar banister, he felt a dent in it and paused, his heart leapt into his mouth as screams echoed through his head. He flinched as memories of pain swooped down upon him like bats, finally he shook himself, reminding himself sternly that he had escaped. He was free. Again he began to ascend.

He found the library and vaguely noted how dusty it was, it had been immaculate when he had lived there but he didn't dwell on it as he began to search the book shelves. He couldn't allow himself to become distracted, it had taken him weeks to scout the place, to ensure that when he entered it would be empty. He had stood, hidden in shadows, as he had watched his mother come and go until he had memorised her patterns, he had briefly wondered where his father and brother were but again and brushed it aside because for now it was unimportant. Finally, after searching with increasing desperation he found the book he had been looking for, it was ancient and dusty and some of the letters had long ago worn off. It was a book he had briefly glanced at as a child, barely even registering it as he had realised what it contained and putting it hastily back on its shelf, wiping his hands against his robes in disgust. Now though he tucked it inside his robes, ensuring he covered its absence by moving the other books around it to cover the missing space. Finally he began to make his way out of the room and back down the stairs, on the landing below the library he paused and his eyes were drawn almost automatically towards his old bedroom, he saw that his name plaque was still there and felt an odd chill down his spine before his eyes moved to his brother's room. He shouldn't really be taking risks, he needed to go and return to his own flat, the one in which Remus now slept like the dead. But before he realised what he was doing his feet were taking him to his brother's room and he was pushing the door open, he gazed inside and was hit by intense nostalgia. It was almost exactly as it had been when he had left, except for that there were more photos and on the floor lay scattered robes. He frowned as he stared at them, that was odd, his brother had always been fastidiously neat, almost obsessive about it, why were his robes scattered over the floor as if someone had been trying to make a nest within them? Sirius moved further into the room and stared around, the pictures that had once stood proudly in their frames were still in their places, all except one which lay in the centre of the pile of robes, surrounded by splashes of molten wax from broken candle stubs. It was eerily like an alter and as Sirius inched closer he saw that the photo was one of Regulus himself, staring haughtily out of his silver frame as if everything around him was not worth his attention. Then a sound caught his attention, he froze for a second before turning and closing the door, he slid into Regulus' wardrobe and closed the doors so that only a sliver of light entered.

"Dead. Dead. Dead."

The voice was roughened by pain, but the deep bullfrog croak was painfully familiar. The door to Regulus' room opened and in came Kreacher holding another candle stub in one shaking hand, he had big fat tears sliding down his ugly face and his whole body seemed to vibrate with pain. "All gone. Master's all gone. Mistress is devastated, of course she is. But Kreacher can't tell her, no no. He was ordered not to. Ordered to keep his mouth shut. He will obey, but oh...oh my poor master! Poor, poor Regulus!" Kreacher burst into hysterical sobs, Sirius vaguely noted the golden locket that hung from around his neck but other than a brief glance promptly forgot all about it. "Dead! Dead and gone! Gone to join the others in the cold dark!"

It hit Sirius like a tonne of bricks, he barely saw Kreacher bend and begin to gather up the robes reverently, he was unable to see him as he took them from the room along with the photograph. He almost forgot where he was and why. Regulus was dead? How was that possible? What had happened while he had been gone? Finally he took a deep breath and forced his numb body to move, he left the room and crept downstairs, he could hear Kreacher still sobbing in the Kitchen as he moved through the shadows blindly and groped his way to the door, he opened it and left the old house elf alone with his grief.

When Sirius had returned to his flat, he sat up in bed and gazed down at the book in his trembling hands, his fingers absently stroked the letters on the front that proclaimed boldly; Secrets of the Darkest Art. Regulus was dead. He had gone the same way as Dorian. Why? What had happened? Who had killed him? Sirius took a slow breath and let it out, he buried the book deep in the sock draw of his chest of draws before returning to bed and curling up into a tight ball. That night he suffered from some of his worst nightmares and woke screaming into his pillow, fighting off hands that were as cold as ice and still hearing his brother's accusing voice ringing in his ears.