CHAPTER 20 – AWAKENING

Claire couldn't see anything and for a moment she panicked. Was she dead? Was she blind? Had she escaped or was Alpha just waiting for her to wake up? She struggled to open her eyes but she only managed to pry them open long enough to see a bright light. The light was surprisingly painful and made her head throb excruciatingly so she closed her eyes again.

Although Claire couldn't open her eyes long enough to see where she was, she could hear and feel. She could feel that she was lying down and, judging by the feeling of the sheet pulled over her, she guessed she was lying in a bed. She could hear a persistent beeping and the sound of a whirring machine. Someone was beside her, breathing deeply, their steady breaths in time with her own. She tried to call out to them, but her voice refused to work. Her body felt cold, apart from her right hand which had something warm on top of it. Tentatively, she moved her hand slightly, and realized that the source of the warmth was someone's hand resting on top of hers.

There was a strange soreness in her throat as though something was caught in it and the feeling made her gag. Gagging didn't help, in fact it made the pain worse and Claire started to choke. Her eyes shot open and her hands flew to her throat. The shrill beeping noise sped up as she began to panic. Her vision was still blurry but she could see well enough to see a fuzzy figure rise beside her. The person was calling out to her but she couldn't hear them over the sound of her heart pounding in her ears and the frenzied beeping noise. Suddenly hands grasped her wrists and pinned them by her side. Claire's only thought was that the person was Alpha and so she thrashed violently, trying to escape. She felt a stab of pain as her movements caused a needle to rip out of her arm and she felt sticky blood drip from the wound. She tried wriggle out of her attacker's grasp, her labored breathing scorching her raw throat as she gasped, but the person climbed on top her to hold her down.

Claire heard hurried footsteps coming towards her and then she was surrounded by more people. Three of them moved closer to help her attacker hold her down, their gloved hands cold as they gripped her arms and legs. When she had been restrained, the person on top her climbed off her and stood next to the bed, taking her hand.

"Claire, calm down. It's me, Topher," the person said. Claire stopped thrashing and blinked until her vision cleared. Sure enough, Topher was standing beside her, surrounded by doctors who were holding her down. The beeping was coming from a monitor that was attached to her chest with wires and blood was dripping down her arm from where she had pulled her IV out during her struggle.

A doctor leant over her and explained that she was on a ventilator to help her breathe after her operation and that she needed to stay calm. Topher glanced over at the doctor worriedly.

"I think she wants it out," he said and Claire heard his voice tremble slightly. His hand was grasping hers tightly, almost painfully, and she could feel him shaking. The doctor turned back to her and asked if she wanted the ventilator out. Claire nodded slightly in response, and the doctor told her to relax as he removed the tube.

When the ventilator had been disconnected, Claire lay still, breathing deeply. Topher was sitting in a chair beside the bed but he wasn't holding her hand anymore, his hand resting in his lap while her pale one lay on top of the white sheets. So far she hadn't said anything; not when the doctors had taken out the ventilator, not when they'd patched up her arm and not when they'd finally left. Topher, being Topher, had talked almost non-stop since she'd woken up, mostly he'd asked her if she was okay and he had continued to ask her every few minutes, not at all deterred by the fact that he never received an answer. The doctors had told him that she might not be able to speak for a little while due to the ventilator restricting her vocal chords but in reality, Claire could speak. She just didn't want to.

The doctors had left almost twenty minutes ago and Topher had finally lapsed into an uneasy silence. Looking around her Claire was surprised to notice that she was still in the Dollhouse. The bed she was lying in was in the middle of her office, her desk and examination table had been pushed to the sides of the room, leaving her bookshelves, the hospital bed and a small bedside table. Judging by the medical equipment and the doctors who had been there earlier, Claire guessed that Adelle must have used one of her valuable connections in order to make this as indiscreet as possible. After all, Claire couldn't show up to a normal hospital with life threatening facial wounds and no explanation without causing suspicion; and the last thing the Dollhouse needed was anyone researching into its employees.

Glancing over at Topher, Claire noticed that there were no bloodstains on his clothes as she remembered and she wondered how much time had gone by since she had passed out in his arms. Why was he by her bed anyway? Seeing as they were still at the Dollhouse he almost definitely had work to do. Although, with Alpha back, Adelle must have cancelled engagements for a while to ensure the safety of the actives, as they were much easier to protect when they were all in the house. Though the infamous Dollhouse security had done little to protect Claire when Alpha had attacked her and stolen away with Echo.

Echo had been taken and Claire had been powerless to stop it. Maybe Alpha had forgotten about the GPS strips every active had in their necks and Topher had been able to track them and get Echo back to the house safely. That would explain why he had enough time to sit by her bed. She could only hope for the best. If Alpha had managed to imprint Echo with any of a number of personalities and escape untraced, the outcomes didn't even bear thinking about.

Claire's throat was really dry and sore and she found herself wishing that she'd asked one of the doctors for some pain killers, or maybe something stronger. She eyed the cup of water on her bedside table but couldn't find the strength to reach out for it.

"Topher," she croaked, her voice strained and cracking. He immediately jumped up from his chair.

"Are you okay? Do you want me to get the doctors back?" he asked. He quickly stopped talking when Claire glared at him, eyebrows raised. Raising her eyebrows was painful as her wounds stretched across her face, but it was worth it when Topher finally stopped talking.

"Water," she whispered and Topher handed her the cup, glancing at her worriedly, as if she would drop dead any second. His concerned gaze was even more disconcerting than his endless questions and Claire closed her eyes with a sigh as she handed back the cup.

"Do you want me to leave?" Topher asked quietly.

"No," Claire replied, her throat feeling much better after a drink, "It's okay. You can stay if you want to." Topher gave her a slight smile as he resumed his seat in the chair. There was only a few seconds silence before Claire spoke again.

"Is it bad?" she asked.

"Is what bad?"

"My face," Claire replied, her voice shaking slightly, "How much worse is it this time?"

Topher looked at her with a pitying expression as he replied.

"Well, you lost a lot of blood, but the doctors stitched you up and they gave you a transfusion during the operation. They said you should heal fine within a few months."

"It's like déjà vu," Claire murmured wryly, "except I know that my memory of last time is a lie."

"Claire, about the file – " Topher began.

"Don't, just don't," Claire interrupted. "I can't talk about this right now. Did you really expect that now that I know the truth everything would be all hunky dory? What am I supposed to do? Everything I think, I worry about whether it's really me or just some program you put in my head. I can't even trust myself anymore." Claire's voice faded as she choked back tears and turned her head away, staring intently at the wall as she blinked furiously. She wouldn't cry.

Her outburst seemed to put an end to the relatively companionable situation and Topher stood up to leave.

"I'd better go, I have to go and meet with Adelle and Boyd about… the… uh… incident," he mumbled. "And you should get some rest."

Claire didn't turn around as she heard his footsteps move away from her. She felt a strange wetness on her face and she reached up to wipe away the tears that were tracking down her face, stinging her wounds. Now that she had started crying she couldn't stop and she had to muffle her sobs with her hand as her emotions poured out, unable to reign them in any longer.

When she felt as though she had run out of tears Claire closed her eyes, relaxing into the tear sodden pillow. She quickly drifted off into a deep sleep, unaware that Topher was still standing in the doorway.