Uhm, wow! Thanks for all the kind words. You're all really awesome. =)

So... uhm. Next chapter then! Because I want this story to be fucking finished soon. I'm getting itchy to start another story and I can't until this one is finished and done with. *huffs* Also... as a kind of thank you, because you guys really cheered me up. Thank you.

Here's chapter 16. [Yes, Talltree-san, it is going to get worse. A lot worse. *bows* sorry.] It's not betaed so I might have missed some errors, because I'm blind to my own mistakes. Feel free to point them out to me, though!

Enjoy! [Or not.]

In Your Eyes

Chapter 16: keep me awake and alive

Eight days had gone by since their bond had been broken. Jim had barely been awake through the first three and had left the bed on the sixth, wandering through the house like a ghost. Spock was barely home anymore, Sarek had decided that it would be best if they were apart for a little while. For the first time in his life, Jim was actually grateful towards Sarek.

He did not think he could face Spock right now.

Or ever again.

His head was still aching and it was only getting worse everytime he thought of how Spock would be bonded officially to T'Pring in exactly two days. He could barely eat and whenever he managed more than a few Kray-fruits, he would wake up at night to stumble towards his bathroom and puke it all out again. Jim was practically living through nutrient-hypos now.

The shadows underneath his eyes were becoming darker by the hour and every goddamn time he closed his eyes he saw the empty mindscape, felt the rotting threads hang from his sternum, poisoning him from the inside out.

"You keep me awake and alive, Spock."

"Pardon, I was not listening, what did you say, Jim?"

"Hah, never mind, I was being silly."

Jim wished he could just curl up somewhere and sleep without dreaming of golden threads and burning skies.

Currently he was coiled up underneath his bed; eyes clenched shut, begging the pain to just go away.

He was shaking, tears prickling behind his lids and he opened his mouth to release the spluttering sob that had build up in his throat in the past minutes. He really needed to get a grip, Amanda was worrying enough already.

Bones would be coming over soon; Amanda said he needed to start socialising again. Apparently, cooping oneself up due to heartbreak was not acceptable in this household. Jim chuckled weakly. Maybe it would be, if Amanda knew he was doing all of this because of a broken heart... and a piercing headache that would not leave.

Jim dragged himself from his hiding place, shivering as he stood and made his way to the bathroom.

He wondered if Spock felt like this. Like he had been ripped open, emptied out and filled up again with needles and sand. He asked himself if Spock felt the same unbearable coldness at his breastbone, smelled his own flesh decay and turn black where the threads had shrivelled and stuck themselves to the skin above.

He felt like dying.

A glance into the mirror confirmed that he looked just as bad as he felt. Maybe worse.

He was pale, his faint freckles stood out sickly against his pallor. His mouth was dry and cracked, his hair limp and dulled. His hands were trembling and every so often a hard shudder ran through him, reminding him of the coldness that had overtaken him soon after he had woken from his unconsciousness. Jim smiled a crooked smile at his reflection, trying to get some life into his eyes, but to no avail.

They stayed dead and broken.

He was pathetic.

Jim turned on the tab and quickly washed away the tear tracks. No need to give Amanda more to worry about.

"Jim! Your friend is here!"

Jim sighed. "Coming!"

He made his way downstairs, carefully holding onto the handrail. He did not want a repetition of yesterday's events. Jim had decided to take a walk in the middle of the night and had promptly fallen down the stairs, waking both Sarek and Amanda. In the end, Sarek had to carry him back to bed, because he was unable to even get up, because his head had thought it logical to invite a drum set and a few sledgehammers to beat against his skull.

That had probably been the most embarrassing moment of his life.

Bones was in the kitchen with Amanda, placing dishes on the table, only looking up when Jim tentatively stepped inside. "Aw, hell, Jimbo. I thought Amanda was exaggerating, but ya really look like death warmed over."

"You sure know how to compliment a man, Bones."

"I know how to compliment a lady, that's all I have to know," he quipped, winking at Amanda, who chuckled while shaking her head.

"Bones, you're flirting with a married woman!" Jim cried out in mock-horror. "Have you no shame?"

Bones smirked and placed the last fork beside a plate. "Sit down, kiddo."

Jim's eyes fell on the food. It smelled delicious and promptly made his stomach churn. "I'm not really hungry."

Amanda furrowed her brows, concern overtaking her features. "Jimmy, please, you're getting thinner already, you barely eat anymore."

That's because I throw up everytime I do.

"Alright, alright," he huffed and sat down.

He ate slowly, chewing every bite with caution to keep himself from regurgitating it the next second.

"So, what exactly are you doing, Leonard?"

"Well, basically, I'm doctoring the humans in the Second House. They get freaked by the Vulcan doctor, so they come to me, if something hurts. If I'm not doing that, I'm in the kitchen. You have no idea how pompous they are over there. I like your house better, ma'am, it's very homey... and a lot smaller too."

"Amanda didn't want to live in a palace. The actual First House is a lot bigger and in the middle of Shi'kahr," Jim added, grinning at Amanda.

She laughed. "Yes, I told Sarek that I couldn't stand everyone staring at me as soon as I walked out of the front door. Also, I hated that house, it's way too big and just felt... wrong. Cold. I wanted a real home, a house just for my family. That's why we came here. The other Houses followed, but as you can see, they just wanted to profit from the press-free atmosphere."

Bones nodded. "Have you ever thought of going back home? To Earth, I mean."

Amanda bit her lip. "Once. It was a month after Sarek and I were bonded, I think. We had an argument... well, I had an argument. He just stood there and was being very Vulcan-y and composed."

"Sorry for asking, but... what could you possibly have argued about?"

The look in her eyes became tender. "I told him I wanted to have children."

Jim blinked staring at her. "Sarek didn't want to...?"

"No," she shook her head. "At first I was angry at him; I thought he had just taken me as his wife because it was convenient. In the end he told me that he was afraid that I would not survive the pregnancy. 'Vulcan blood is based on copper and the child would logically feed on your copper-resources', he said. 'I will not allow you to take such high risks for a child that we may not even be able to conceive.'"

She laughed. "As you can see, I was very stubborn and in the end, he gave in."

"And then you had little Spock and lived happily ever after," Bones grumbled.

Jim snorted and took a tiny sip from his Kray-juice. Amanda grinned at Bones and, without asking, shovelled some more food onto his plate. "What about you, Leonard? Are you missing Earth?"

"Not really. Sure, I miss the cooler weather sometimes and the food, but all in all, I'm better off here. But maybe I could go back there, just to visit of course, when they manage to invent Warp." He shrugged, hazel eyes trained on his glass of juice.

"Oh, Sarek said it won't take too much longer," Amanda smiled.

"I'm thinking about going back," Jim said quietly.

It was silent for an uncomfortable moment, until Amanda dropped her fork with a loud clatter.

"What?" Amanda's voice was weak and a little shrill. "I... what are you saying, honey? Don't you like it here anymore?"

Jim winced. Alright, that definitely was not how he had planned this to go. "It's not that, Manda... I just... need some space. Change of perspective."

"You're not seriously going to let that Vulcan voodoo chase you away from yer home, right?" Bones pointed his fork at him. "That's stupid, get yer head outta yer ass and get over this mess. It's not worth going back to the place that rejected ya in the first place."

"My, what language...," Amanda mumbled, causing Bones to flush a bright, cherry-red.

Jim snickered. "Alright, alright, calm down, Bones. Sheesh. I said I was thinking about it. Doesn't mean I'll actually have the guts to do it."

Bones scratched the back of his head in embarrassment. "Yeah, you're right. Sorry, ma'am, my mouth runs away with me sometimes."

"It's alright, I'm used to Jim's cursing."

"I don't curse that often!"

"I remember a thirteen-year-old ending his sentences with the words 'fuck' and 'hell' about ninety percent of the time."

"Now that's just not fair, I was thirteen and in the early throes of puberty!"

"You drama queen," Bones snickered.

"Shut up," Jim shook his head, trying to save his dignity.

Hah, as if that was even possible when both Bones and Amanda were making fun of him. Trying to get a le-matya to play ball with you would probably be more productive. And maybe less detrimental to one's health, too.

Okay, not really.

"Honey, are you alright?" Amanda's warm hand reached out to him, touching his face.

Jim automatically leaned into the contact. "I'm fine, just tired."

"You feel a little warm," she murmured.

"Really, I'm okay," Jim smiled and gently pushed her searching fingers away.

Bones stood to lean across the table to plant his broad hand onto Jim's forehead and grasped his wrist to press his thumb against the pulse. "Elevated pulse and you're way too warm. Congrats, kiddo, you have a fever. Ya do know that ya can tell me when you're feeling like crap, right? I'm a doctor, for God's sake."

"I know, Bones, but it's just a little fever. Nothing to worry about," Jim shrugged and pulled his hand away from Bones.

The older man sighed and sat down again. "You're gonna be the end of yerself one day, Jimbo."

"Heh, probably," Jim grinned, trying to dislodge the sombre atmosphere that had overtaken the room. "Oh, uhm, Manda?"

"Yes, honey?"

"Is Spock coming home today?"

"I do not know, baby, Sarek took him to the Temples of Gol again."

"Oh," Jim nodded. "I see."

Jim sighed and stood to refill the Kray-juice jug. He ignored the sudden bout of dizziness and ambled towards the fridge. The floor seemed to lurch, his feet felt like they were walking across a sea of pillows and his dinner was threatening to come back up his throat. He placed the jug on the kitchen-counter, determined to keep the food down.

Jim clutched the edge of the counter, trying to keep himself upright.

Alright. If he fell on his ass now, Bones would probably give him a scolding, loud enough to blast his ears off, and an 'I told you so!' on top of it. If he fainted, he would escape said scolding for a while and then get hypoed into the next week. Both options didn't sound very pleasant.

"Jim?" Amanda sounded wary.

"Huh?"

"Are you alright?"

"Yep, just peachy," he turned around with a smile.

Or at least, that was what he had planned to do.

Instead, he gasped as the kitchen seemingly tilted to the side, his legs buckled and a moment later, he had fallen to the floor.

"Jim!"

Jim blinked at the ceiling, his mouth was dry and his throat felt like he had swallowed a pack of razors. His head was a ball of pain, his brain felt as if it had been turned to mush and he was gasping for air. His vision had tunnelled and he could barely make out Amanda as she leaned over him to hold his head up slightly.

"Dammit, Jim, what did I tell ya about telling me when you feel like crap?" Bones' hands felt cool against his cheeks and Jim shivered at the gentle touch. "He's burning up. Let's get him into bed. We'll try to see if the fever goes down on its own, but if it doesn't we have to bring it down ourselves."

Jim wanted to tell him that it was fine; he would just stay down here. The floor was heavenly cool against his back and the world was not spinning anymore.

Of course, everything that came out of his mouth was a low croak that not even Spock would have interpreted as an actual attempt at English. Jim groaned when Bones lifted him up, his entire body was awash with pain and he tried weakly to escape his friend's arms.

"Ssh, Jimmy, it's okay," Amanda whispered as she ran a hand through his hair.

He was disorientated, everything was rocking. Up and down. Back and forth. His stomach lurched and he barely managed to keep himself from throwing up all over Bones' chest.

Finally he was lowered onto a mattress. Jim wriggled against the still cool pillows, trying to focus his rolling eyes but failing miserably. He was dying. We killed it and now I'm dying too.

He was so confused.

"Jim. Jim, calm down, it's alright, you're fine. Don't exert yerself. You're just making the fever worse! Stop moving, dammit!" Bones grabbed his shoulders, stilling his desperate attempts at getting away.

Jim whined, the sound chafing at his sore throat. "'s dead, B'nes... w-we killed it..."

"Ssh, kiddo. Just stay with us, alright?"

He was on fire, why could they not see that? Could they not see that his entire self had burned down and turned to ashes? That he had allowed that the most precious thing he had ever possessed to be destroyed, because he wanted to set Spock free?

Why was he being punished for being selfless?

"Leonard, what's wrong with him?"

"I don't know, ma'am. He shouldn't have gotten worse so fast if it was just a fever," calloused hands brushed a stray lock from his head. "Maybe you should call Lady T'Pau. She might know something. This doesn't look like it's physical. You said he's been sickly since the bond was broken, right?"

"What are you saying?"

"Maybe something went wrong."

Jim felt his eyes roll back into his head and-

Jim sat underneath the remnants of the tree. Black pearls littered the, now dry, ground. The sky above him had cracked and slowly fell apart, covering the ground in black sludge and flickering starlight.

He let the dying plant behind him wrap its roots around his body. He leaned back against the burnt bark, staring down at the dark auburn threads hanging from his body. They had succeeded in turning his chest into an open cavity. A tiny, barely there light flickered just behind his breastbone, desperately working to warm his freezing insides.

He lifted a hand to touch what was left of the bond. It felt soft, fragile and the sweet smell of decay it was emitting sickened Jim. He tugged at the strands, trying to rip them from his chest. He had held onto them for too long.

Had let the thought of Spock taking him back drive him insane for too long.

It hurt. The bond was bound to his sternum and every tug threatened to rip the bone from his chest.

But he needed to remove it. He could not face Spock like this. How was he going to look at Spock when his chest was a cage made from white ribs and rotting flesh, inhabited by a tiny, golden bird that was dying slowly from the lack of light and nourishment it received?

When his body was falling apart like a poorly made quilt?

Jim curled forward, wrapping his arms around his exposed ribcage as the cold reached the small light.

Come and find me, Spock.

Please.

*sips tea* I always get cold reading through this chapter. I'm not sure why, though.