SMs characters, my story

So many thanks to the ladies that held my hand for this chapter, getshorty, nicnicd and whenpoetryrises.

Many of you commented that Bella was too calm. I prefer the term 'in shock' myself. She's not in shock any more, but she's also not someone who rants and is violent. She's an adult and acts like one. She also takes her time before making a decision and thinks before speaking.

Remember, love is an emotion Edward isn't familiar with.

Chapter 20 – Time

Precious things are for those that can prize them, The Cock and the Pearl, Aesop

I took off running. I couldn't hear what Alice and the dog had to say to my girl. No, what I couldn't hear what she had to say about me. She knew the truth now, that I had selfishly taken away her life to create one of my own. Rosalie was ranting at me in her thoughts. Visions of me raping Bella came across, even though she knew that wasn't true. Thankfully she wasn't as fast as I was and was falling behind, so I wouldn't have to put up with her for much longer.

Carlisle was another matter altogether. He was almost as fast as I was and was having little trouble keeping up since the deep snow was hindering me. I suppose I should be grateful that his thoughts were quiet, leaving me to my own, but my thoughts were what I was running from.

Seeing her, lying on that bed, ashen as the child grew too quickly inside of her, was making my heart clench in uncomfortable ways. I did not want to have feelings for this girl; it was counterproductive to my plans. And, yet, there was no denying that I would miss her when she was gone. I heaved a sigh as I ran, wanting the monotony of the action to clear my thoughts, but all I felt was the distance I was placing between Bella and me.

Such a heavy sigh, Carlisle's thought drifted to me. What brings it on? I knew he was trying to determine how I felt about Bella, if I would stick to my promise to try to save her, and what my plans were for the child. I didn't answer him. I couldn't since I didn't know the answer to his real concerns.

He continued to run in tandem with me, once again silencing his thoughts. I heard Jasper coming, his direction at a trajectory to intercept us as he reached out with his special talent to assess my mood. I didn't know what it was I was feeling and reading it in his mind didn't help as all it did was reflect my own indecision. Still, I welcomed him joining our run as I headed into the wilderness, not knowing what I was seeking.

In time Esme joined me, her thoughts full of concern and longing for Bella, but surprising me when they shifted to how she viewed me. In her eyes I was hurting, my face reflecting fear and concern over what I had done and the potential consequences. When she thought how obvious my love for Bella was I stopped dead in my tracks. The others ran past me, taking a second to realize I had halted so quickly, and were back waiting for me to speak before another second had elapsed.

"Love, Esme?" I asked her. "You think I love her?"

"Not completely, it's too new, but yes, I think what you feel is the beginning of love," she answered me, speaking aloud for the benefit of the others. Rose and Emmett were now catching up, not having taken a trajectory as Jasper and Esme had so requiring more time to meet up with us. Alice must still be with Bella. At least she wasn't alone.

I turned to Jasper and he tilted his head to the side, considering, knowing what I was about to ask him. "Let me put it this way, Edward," he began. "This is what infatuation feels like." With that he sent over a wave of emotion that I recognized, having felt it recently with Bella. The desire for her physically, the curiosity about her as a person, the craving for her company and more all washed over me. Only, that wasn't how I was feeling now.

"I've felt that with Bella," I replied to him, "but that isn't what I feel now. It seems too, I don't know, shallow?"

He laughed. "That's because you have moved past that, Edward. Now, this is what love feels like." That emotion hit me in the gut like a battering ram, almost knocking me off my feet by the strength of it. My knees weakened as the passion, caring and yearning overwhelmed me. My heart leapt, feeling like it might even start beating again as it cried out for the feeling to continue, leaving me bereft when Jasper quit sending the emotion my way.

I leaned over, almost as if I was having trouble catching my breath as I grabbed my knees and breathed deeply. I had witnessed how each of the Cullens felt about their mates, known how deeply that love ran, but since I had never felt it before I had no idea how all-consuming it was. I wanted that, the one taste making me an instant addict far stronger than any human who had tried drugs. The craving built inside of me, the absence of the emotion stronger than any thirst I had ever felt. But, that wasn't how I felt about Bella.

"Jasper," I panted, amazed I was having trouble controlling my breathing, "that isn't what I'm feeling for Bella either." I was confused. Shouldn't I wait for someone for whom I felt that feeling? Why was he thinking I needed to stay with Bella when I didn't feel that strong emotion he had sent my way? "What aren't you showing me, Jasper?"

That was when he sent me a copy of the feelings I felt when I was with Bella. I could sense the infatuation, as well as the love. Only both were wrong. It was somewhere in between. "You don't have that strong emotion yet, Edward, but it's growing, deepening. You are on a cusp, able to go either way. The truth is, even when you are in love, the strength of it waxes and wanes with time and situations. What I sent you was love in its purest and strongest form. In reality, day to day, it's more like this."

The feeling he sent me next was one of comfort, dredging up a memory of my mother cradling me in her arms when I was young and sick. It was filled with peace and contentment; a sense of completeness. I watched as the thoughts in his mind turned to Alice as he went through a normal day. There was happiness in holding her hand, passion as he led her to their bed or she him, peace and comfort as they sat, barely touching, watching television or the sunset. I saw other days, arguments they had experienced, the frustration greater than when he argued with others because of his love for her and wanting to persuade her to his point of view mixed with surprise that they weren't thinking alike from the beginning. He replayed days of boredom with this life, Alice being the bright spot in the otherwise dull day when she would skip up and place a small kiss on his cheek, warming his heart with her simple expression of affection. This wasn't the burning fire he had showed me previously, but more like banked coals, ready to flare when needed, but also never dying.

As I was caught up in those feelings his thoughts shifted to my interactions with Bella when he was present, only instead of simply replaying what he had seen, I felt what he had felt. I recognized that some of the things he felt with Alice were felt by both Bella and me as we sat together, laughed together, and even on occasion argued together. It wasn't as strong or as deep, but the feelings were very similar.

I felt the shift in his emotions as he sensed Alice's nearness. There was a yearning for her to be closer, a reaching out of his heart in her direction, reconnecting as their eyes met. It was a feeling I knew. No wonder they all thought I was in love.

Looking into the faces of my erstwhile family I could see hope in them. They wanted me to join them, with Bella and our child at my side. But then my eyes fell on Alice again and another realization hit me. If we were all here, then who was with Bella?

"Alice," I growled, "where's Bella?" I could read in her thoughts where she was and my jaw dropped in shock. "You left her alone with the dog?" I shouted.

"Edward, she's been friends with him for years and wanted to talk to him alone. I'm certain she's fine," she chided, but it was to my back as I had taken off running in her direction immediately. I couldn't believe Alice had left her alone. What if she grew hungry, or needed to use the restroom? I doubted he was capable of procuring the blood she needed and I didn't want him to help her with something as intimate as helping her in the bathroom.

My anger grew towards Alice with each passing minute it took me to reach the cabin. She knew Bella was in a fragile state, and yet left her alone with a dog for company? I didn't care if she had been safe with him all the previous years of her life, as that meant nothing. They were volatile creatures and she was carrying my child. I knew he wouldn't mind if the child died. But that anger was nothing compared to what I felt when I reached the cabin and heard Jacob's thoughts regarding what he wanted to do to me for fixing the condoms, running through his mind the conversation between Alice and Bella.

For the second time in one day I froze. Jacob was debating whether or not to kill me or give in to Bella's request to speak to me when he found me. He hadn't left the cabin yet, wanting to be sure in what his course of action would be when he finally encountered me again. The wind shifted, coming around from my back, and his eyes shot in my direction as a low growl rumbled in his chest. I want to kill you leech, he threatened, but don't want to hurt Bella. She is the only thing keeping you alive. Keep that in mind as you consider her future. Knowing his message had been delivered he took off into the woods in the opposite direction, his thoughts torn between checking on his imprint and guarding Bella's life. Either way, he had promised her that we would have no interference as we talked and he was a man of his word. There was much I could learn from Jacob Black.

A sharp cry of pain recalled my mind to checking on Bella. Within seconds I was in the cabin and by her side. She had one hand on her ribs and was breathing shallowly. "Bella, what happened?" I all but shouted at her as I feared for her.

"The baby kicked," she panted, "and I think it might have broken my rib."

Suddenly I cursed myself for taking her to this remote location. If we were still at the Cullen's home then Carlisle would be nearby, or at least within cell phone range. There were no cell towers outside of the town limits and I knew my phone was useless. I would be able to hear his thoughts before a signal reached him.

I needed to calm myself. I had two medical degrees, even if I had never practiced. I should be able to tend a simple broken rib. All I had to do was not pay attention to her face. I lifted her shirt so I could inspect her without the barrier of the fabric and gasped at what I saw. She immediately grabbed at the material and tried to cover herself back up, but it was too late.

My jaw hung open as I looked up into her face; she was avoiding my eyes. "It's not as bad as it looks, Edward. The baby's just a really good kicker." She let out a quiet laugh and winced when it moved her ribs too quickly. "I'll never laugh at Angela again."

Suddenly I had the hope that she would someday be able to laugh again. I steeled myself, she had enough to deal with without having to try to comfort me as well. I lifted her shirt back up and ran my hands over the myriad of bruises I saw there. She let out a sigh, and I shook my head at my own stupidity, sure my ice-cold hands were calming the pain of her bruising. I ghosted my fingers up to where she had been holding her side when I came in, prodding gently. She gasped in pain when I found the spot, but I couldn't feel a break. "I think it's merely very badly bruised," I sighed in relief, agonizing over the pain she was obviously feeling while kicking myself for not thinking to get some Tylenol or something for her that would be safe for the baby.

"Oh, good," she replied quietly. She was looking at me, and I knew she was trying to figure out how to bring up whatever topic was currently running through her head. There were so many things she could ask me, so many things I needed to answer for. I kept one hand on her rib that was sore, hoping the cold would relieve some of the pain.

As I watched her I could see determination firming in her eyes. "Edward, can I ask you something?" I knew it was coming, whatever it was. I had committed so many sins against this girl that I had no idea where she would begin. "Did you fix the condoms? Hoping I would get pregnant?" Her voice was like velvet over steel, soft, yet resolute and firm, and laced with a sadness that broke my heart.

I knew I had to be honest with her, even if it was painful for us both. I sighed, removed my hands from her body and sat back on my heels beside her bed, knowing she deserved the truth. "Yes, Bella, I did."

"You knew what would happen to me if I became pregnant, and you did it anyway?" she asked me, her voice still quiet, and more than a little sad, but her eyes never left mine, piercing me through.

"Yes," I whispered. All my rationalizations flew out the window. I could see my selfishness staring at me, laughing at my own hubris and mocking the idiocy of my goals. Joham had never fallen in love with his conquests, I was sure I could guard my heart just as easily. As I knelt beside her I realized Jasper might be right.

"I see," she whispered and was quiet again for a moment. She broke away from staring at me to look out the window. "Do I mean so little to you then?"

"You mean more to me than I ever expected," I answered her simply. "I didn't want to like you, Bella, my plan was to simply use you. It wasn't until I had to finally follow through on my plan that I hesitated at all," I told her, desperate for her to understand. "If you hadn't asked me to continue I might not have, simply to spare your life." I could see a small tear trailing down her cheek and reached out to stop its progress as if doing so could stop the pain I had caused. "I thought having a child would be the most important thing to me. I was wrong, Bella."

"So, now what do we do, Edward? I won't have an abortion, that's just not in my nature, and according to Carlisle it's too late anyway," she said, her eyes boring into mine again. "My choices are to be changed or to die, and I'm not ready for death, so I guess that's a given as well. The only real choice you've left me is if I want you in my life afterwards, and at the moment I'm not sure if I'm able to forgive you for this. I most certainly don't trust you anymore." Even though her words were quiet they were like molten steel, burning me to the quick and strong enough to cut out my heart.

"Well, it seems what I must do now is earn back your trust, then hopefully your forgiveness," I replied, completely unsure of how to do that. The only thing I could think of was complete honesty. "I don't know how to earn back your trust, Bella. What can I do?"

"I don't know, Edward," she said with a sigh and I watched as she began to shiver. She reached for the blanket, pulling it up over her shoulder and I realized the fire had gone down and a chill was permeating the room. I jumped up quickly and put more wood on the fire and made sure she was comfortable before checking to see if her canteen was full and if there was anything I could do for her.

She assured me she was fine, barely speaking to me. I knew she wasn't giving me the silent treatment; she simply had nothing to say to me. She epitomized the saying that still waters ran deep. "What can I do to make you more comfortable?" I asked, hoping she would tell me.

"To be honest, I don't know. I feel cold, my bruises hurt and I'm tired. I doubt there really is anything you can do, it's just the pregnancy." Her voice was flat and listless and I felt helpless. "Just let me be, please."

She lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling, or at the flames of the fire, but never at me. I knew I was the last person she wanted to associate with at that point, but I was the one who had brought this upon her and I was, therefore, responsible for her. I would take care of her even as if it seemed she didn't want me near. I watched her for a time, finding menial things to do, and I knew she noticed because she would roll her eyes at me. After a few hours I saw when she moved her hair out of her eyes, her fingers catching on the knots causing her to make a sound of exasperation as she tried to free them. This was something I could do and I grabbed her brush and was behind her in less than a second, gently untangling her fingers from her hair before I began to brush them out. She pulled away from me at first, but when she realized what I was doing she seemed to allow it. It wasn't until I had almost all the tangles out that she relaxed, though. I noticed her hair was hanging limp and needed washing; she hadn't been able to shower in a while. I recalled to mind how she had once said she loved the feeling of being clean. "Bella, would you like to shower?" I asked, hoping I had found something else I could do to help her.

"I doubt I can stand on my feet that long, Edward. I get dizzy just going to the bathroom," she replied with a sigh of longing.

"There's a tub, and I can help you," I offered.

The look she gave me was almost amusing in its mixture of incredulity and surprise. "You've already gotten me pregnant, Edward, and I really don't think I could do much in this condition."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Bella, that wasn't my intent, although I will say that I wouldn't be opposed if you were able. I just know you like to be clean and thought the hot water would warm you up." I could see how torn she was. She wanted this, but didn't trust me, not that I blamed her. I only hoped this would be another way to begin earning her trust. "I will behave myself, scout's honor," I promised as I lay the brush aside. "Let me do this for you, you know you'll feel better."

Thankfully she agreed. I picked her up in my arms and carried her into the bathroom. Kicking down the toilet lid I placed her on it while I prepared her bath, amazed when she asked me to leave the room. "Bella, I think you need help getting into the tub and bathing. I promise to behave," I said, and she seemed to trust me because she began removing her clothes. Once the water was warm I began to fill the tub, removed my clothes, earning a glare from her, picked her up and placed both of us in the tub together, the warm water filling around us. I tried to keep my lower body away from her. I didn't want her to know the reaction I was having to being naked in the tub with her, she wouldn't appreciate it.

When I asked if I was too cold she shook her head but didn't say anything as her shivers ceased and her muscles relaxed. Even the child calmed, no longer rolling around inside of her. She finally rested against me after twenty-seven minutes, her head on my chest as I held her. Within moments after that they were both sleeping.

I simply held her in the tub for hours, draining some of the chilled water and replacing the water with hot from the faucet as needed to maintain the temperature. I heard Alice come in, telling me in her thoughts that she had gotten Bella and me some clean clothes and informing me that most of the family had returned home to Forks. Carlisle was staying, continuing the charade that had been told to Charlie that he had taken Bella to a colleague to be examined. Jacob also returned, none too happy to find out I was in the tub with Bella but also thrilled she was getting some sleep.

The child finally woke, waking Bella as well. I laughed at her expression when she found out how long she had been asleep. "I didn't mind holding you, Bella. In fact, it was quite nice. But, now, let's get you washed, shall we?" She hummed her agreement and I pulled the plug on the tub while turning on the shower head. I knew she wasn't quite ready to talk to me yet. For all of her seeming quiet acceptance she was still tense and withdrawn. If only I knew what she was thinking I would be able to prod her in the right direction, but she had asked for quiet, and even seemed somewhat annoyed with what little I was saying to her, so I kept my conversation turned only to what we were doing. I had her remain seated, massaging shampoo into her hair and rinsing it out, lathering her body, supporting her as she turned, surprising me by submitting herself to my ministrations.

Clean, dressed in new clothes and placed on fresh sheets, Bella was glowing. The washing and rest had done much to brighten her mood. Then again, it was the dog she was smiling at. He was telling her some of the things his imprint had done, apparently small children are amusing. I looked forward to finding that out. I only hoped it would be with Bella nearby.

Days passed and I never left her side, or more accurately, I couldn't tear myself away. Each day brought a softening of Bella's attitude towards me, but every kick of the child left a new bruise, each larger and more painful than the last. Once Bella had been mortified when it kicked her bladder, causing her to lose control of it, but with Alice's help we had her cleaned quickly. I had teased her that she really wanted another long bath but in truth had been growing more and more concerned. Bella tried valiantly to mask her pain and I had to keep close watch on her face in order to know when a new kick came. When she screamed out in pain, clutching the same rib that had been bruised before, I found myself losing my temper.

"Stop kicking," I said strongly against Bella's distended stomach, "you're hurting her." An awareness came to me, confusion mixed with happiness over hearing my voice. I was rendered speechless.

"Edward?" I barely registered Bella speaking to me, "what's the matter? Why are you looking like that?" The awareness reached out, stretching itself to the sound of Bella's voice.

"Say something again, Bella," I whispered, but I was heard by more than her. It was the child listening, happy to hear us talking, I was sure of it.

"Why?" Bella asked, "what's going on?"

"I can hear our child, Bella, it's listening to us now," I replied, hearing the wonder in my own voice in concert with the child's.

"Oh!" Bella exclaimed, reaching over and laying a hand on her stomach, stroking over it gently. "Hello baby," she crooned, "are you happy?"

Shock coursed through me as I realized that the child had understood. I knew children understood language before they could speak it; I had heard enough toddlers to have no doubt on this fact, but in utero? "Yes, Bella," I said in awe, "the baby is happy." I looked up at her and I could feel the smile on my face. Never had I expected to feel this level of joy. I knew I had wanted a child, but to hear its thoughts of happiness from the sound of my voice was more than I ever expected. And it was all because of this girl in front of me.

Suddenly my lips were on hers. "Bella," I breathed between kisses, "thank you." No longer was the burning of my desire for her blood the strongest thing I felt, it had been replaced with a longing for her. She had pulled away when my lips first met hers but within seconds I felt her hands reach up to hold my lips to hers. I wanted to consume her, and not her blood. Her heart was beating quickly, and the child's was speeding up as well, reflecting that it was pleased at the emotions Bella was feeling. Still, I had to break away and allow her to breathe.

I watched her panting and couldn't contain my smile. So many things had happened. Hearing my child's thoughts, kissing Bella again, having a happy conversation with her, I was over the moon. "Do you forgive me?" I whispered, my hope on a precipice.

She just stared at me for a moment, her face revealing nothing. As time passed so did my hope. I froze my face, making sure it didn't reveal the pain of rejection I was feeling inside. Regardless of my attempt I wasn't fast enough. A look of sadness came across her face. "I want to forgive you, Edward. I'm not the type to hold grudges, so you can expect I will eventually. It's trust I'm still having problems with."

I bowed my head, "I understand," I murmured. I heard her take in a breath to speak again at the same time I heard Jacob's thoughts in the distance, wondering how Bella was doing as he flew across the forest floor in our direction. I held up a hand to stop her. "Jacob is on his way," I told her, halting any further conversation as I crossed the floor to let him in.

More time passed and Bella's stomach continued to grow as did my relationship with my child. I was amazed I was able to hold actual conversations with it. I told it how much I looked forward to the time it was born and I could hold it in my arms, how I longed to teach it to play the piano, even going so far as to hum a tune so it understood what music was. Alice brought me an ipod with some Chopin on it so the child could hear it and understand what piano music was. All while I would speak, Bella would watch me closely. I frequently looked up to smile at her, telling her the baby's thoughts when she would ask it a question. The best part was convincing the child to not kick. Bella's bruises slowly faded, although many were still sickly green or yellow.

My hands were on her stomach when I felt the first contraction.


I know, Edward's a bit late on his realizations, but he's trying. Trust me, Bella isn't letting him off easy. Her quiet rejection hurt far more than yelling ever could. And yes, it is possible to still love someone who's harmed you and broken your trust. I've seen it happen; love continues even while working through your pain and trying to forgive.

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