A/N...Thank you all for your patience with me over the past few days as I recovered from being sick. Your IM's and Reviews really help brighten my day. I read each and every one and always reply to your questions.
Chapter 18
~~~Tris~~~
Tobias keeps his arm around my shoulder. "I have to swing by and see Eric real quick." Tobias says. "I'll go on to the apartment then." I respond. "It will only take a minute." To this I don't argue. I am perfectly capable of walking home but I know Tobias won't let me out of his sight. We walk to Eric's place in silence. Tobias said we have a lot to talk about and I know we do. I don't know if he realizes what it is that I need to say. Until just this moment I start to wonder what it is that he wants to say.
Eric doesn't answer his door so we head home. My heart rate starts to slowly rise because I know we are going to have to talk about everything. I doubt he will let this wait until morning. I just need to wash this day off of me and lay in the comfort of our bed. I am scared. I am scared of what I will say and of what he will say. Can I really say what it is that I am feeling? Will I end up changing my mind? I am still the girl I was 24 hours ago but I am not. I am no longer that girl. I have grown in ways that only comes with age. I am 17 now but no longer just a girl. I am a self-reliant woman.
I left Tobias. I broke my promise. I broke him but he broke me. I take a deep breath as we enter the apartment.
"Oh God, What is that smell?" Tobias asks. It really is bad but I know what it is. I walk over to the warmer in the kitchen with Tobias several feet behind me. I grab a dish towel and reach into the warmer and pull the plate from it. I turn off the warmer, which stays at 150 degrees, and drop the plate in the sink. "It was your dinner." I say. Tobias' face softens and he smirks at me. If he keeps looking at me like that I swear we will just end up in bed and we won't work out what happened. We have to talk about this or it will destroy us inside. Even if we decide to go our different ways, we have to talk about this.
I break our eye contact and turn to the bedroom. Tobias stands in the doorway while I grab clothes from the dresser. I lay my clothes on the bed and run my fingers through my hair. Tobias walks closer to me. He is too close to me. I sit on the end of the bed to try to get a little distance from him. I can't be close to him right now. If I get close I am liable to break. Our fight was like a sword in my heart and taking a life has shaken me to my core. It wasn't my life to take. I am not God and I had no right to kill her. It was either my life or her life. What makes my life worth more than hers? I have to get to the shower but I know I will never be able to wash the blood from my hands. It will be there forever. I stand but now I am face to face with Tobias. Our hands remain at our sides but our breaths increase in frequency.
"If I don't touch you, Tris," he shakes his head and closes his eyes, "I may explode."
"If you touch me, Tobias, I may explode. I can't lose it right now." I admit.
"You can be open with me. There isn't anything that you can do or say to make me stop loving you. I feel like I always have and God knows I always will."
Tobias places his hand on the side of my face. The heel of his hand is on my cheek and his fingers reach my neck. His hands are so strong. The electricity of his touch creates butterflies in my stomach. I finally look him in his eyes. I see the love he has for me. I can't stop myself. I need him right now. I have never needed anything more in my life.
"Tobias…" I breathe. In situations like this I use his real name when I need something soothing and full of love but when I need to be taken I call him Four. I place my hand on his chest and I see a spark in his eyes. "Tobias, I need you." My breath quickens as tears start to cloud my vision. "Please, Tobias." I kiss him gently and a tear escapes and runs down my cheek. "Please help me forget."
Tobias places his hand over mine. "Tris, I love you more than my own life. I want nothing more than you make love to you. But I want that so I can show you my love and feel yours in return."
"I do love you. It isn't the sex, babe, it is your love. I need your love to help me forget the hate and evil I experienced tonight." My words become desperate. I place my hands on his face and stroke his face with my thumbs, "I need to know that for all the evil there is good. I need to know that where there is dark there is also light. I need to know that after hate there is love. I need to know that with death there is life. I survived out there and I need to know that we survived in here." Tears stream down my face. I was prepared to let him go. I was going to tell him if he had no faith in me then he had no faith in us. But right here and right now it all seems to blend. He doesn't exist and I don't exist. We exist and I can't exist without him.
Tobias wipes my tears. His chest rises and falls quicker. I look into his eyes and tears start to form in his eyes as well. I have never seen him like this. He is 'Four', the tough, dominating, and intimidating man who is nearly fearless. I would never have imagined him like this.
"Tris," He shakes his head and slowly a grin comes to his face and his teary eyes clear, "Don't you understand? I can't make you forget. All I can do is be there for you every moment of forever." He touches my ring. "There is evil and death all over this city. There is hate and dark right outside this door. You are the good and the life. You are the love and the light. You are the opposite of everything you despise. Please don't get me wrong, like I said I would love nothing more than to make love with you right here and right now. I just need to know it is for all the right reasons. Shouldn't we have that talk first?"
"We should." I say. I place my hands back on Tobias and pull him to me. I kiss him deeply. We should talk first but I want this before anything changes. Of course we love each other. There is no denying that we have love that neither of us imagined existed. I can't forget the fight and what caused the fight. It had nothing to do with the war or our love. It had everything to do with faith and trust. When that breaks, we break.
Tobias's hands are around my waist pulling me closer and closer. There is desperation in his kiss. My arms wrap around his neck. "You're my beginning and my end, Tris." He whispers. What did he mean? Who cares. The way he says my name unravels me. Soon I am swept off of my feet and we are on the bed. The desperation that started in my voice and came from his kiss is now in both of our bodies. The pain in my arm and on my face is present but with each caress and each kiss it begins to fade. I can't get his shirt off fast enough. I run my hands over his muscles. He is so strong and could hurt me or even kill me but his touch is so gentle. I need him. I am burning. Tobias presses himself against me. I can feel he wants me as much as I want him. A moan escapes my throat when his hard length rubs against the sweet spot that shoots pleasure through my mind. He continues rubbing and pressing into me. When I grab his lower back and dig my nails in he lets out a throaty moan. His hands wrap into my hair bringing my mouth to his deeper. I my heart is pounding in my ears.
"Shit." Tobias says. He hangs his head down to catch his breath. "What's wrong?" I ask. "The door. Someone is pounding on the door. You didn't hear it?" He asks. "I thought it was my heart." I grin. He grins and kisses me on the forehead. "I'll get it," he says, "don't go anywhere." He slowly slides down my body while pressing into that sweet spot as he goes. I close my eyes, "Mmm." Tobias chuckles and pulls his shirt on trying to cover his excitement.
A few minutes go by and Tobias leans into the doorway to our room. "It is Max and Eric. They want to talk to you."
"I didn't think this would happen so soon. I thought I would have until tomorrow." I say.
"For what?" he asks with a furrowed brow. "To be beaten by my leaders in the pit for defying my faction. To become factionless." I say. "I won't let that happen." Tobias tells me. "You can't protect me forever."
"That is what I am most afraid of." He says under his breath but I hear him. Tobias comes over to me and hands me a folded piece of paper. "This was taped to the door. It's addressed to you." I open it to see it is from Derrick. I tell Tobias I will read it later.
"Max. Eric." I nod my head in greeting. "Please, have a seat." They both take a seat on the couch. Eric sits with one leg outstretched and an ankle crossing his knee. He looks as if it's his couch. At least he is comfortable here and not trying to tear Tobias to shreds. As if he could. "I know this isn't a personal visit but can I offer you a drink?"
"Thank you, Tris." Max says. "Water? Juice? Ice tea? Beer? Soda?" I question. "Tea." Max says. I look to Eric. "Beer." He says as if my question was stupid. I go to the fridge and get their drinks. I grab some cran-raspberry juice for myself and a bottle of water for Tobias. I don't even have to ask him what he wants anymore. I know he always has water later at night. He smiles at me.
Max looks at me like he is analyzing me. I know he is wondering where to start. "I know what I have done, Max. It was not intentional but I know there will be consequences to my actions and I will accept them without question." Tobias just looks over at me.
"And what do you think you have done, Tris?" Max questions. I know when there has been a betrayal to a faction that the person has to tell their leaders what infraction they have committed prior to them being sentenced.
"I think I owe it to Four to tell him what I have done. As my family, I don't want him to find out this way." I say.
"It's ok, Tris. You need to tell us what happened. I am your family but I am also a leader of Dauntless. I need to know." Tobias says, and then he winks at me to let me know his loyalty is with me.
I take a deep breath, "I left the compound against orders from my leaders. By doing so, I put myself into danger. I created chaos among my leaders and caused unnecessary work to the Patrol Officers. I interacted with the factionless and committed murder." I look at Tobias to see his eyebrows rise. "My interaction will not be taken lightly by the factionless and I am positive there will be retaliation against Dauntless. My actions will be seen as an act against them by Dauntless and not by myself. I put us all in danger." The severities of my actions are hitting me now. I look to Tobias. He is bouncing his knee and wringing his hands. He is either scared or seething. I can't tell the difference from his emotionless face.
"That's all true, Tris. You are forgetting one thing." Max says.
"What have I forgotten?" I ask.
"You put one of your leaders in danger." He says.
"I said I put us all in danger."
"Yes, you have put us all in danger. However, your actions caused a leader to also leave the compound to search for you. He could have been seriously injured or killed. I don't think you realize what an integral part of Dauntless leadership Four really is. We can't lose him, Tris. Dauntless needs him."
I stare at Max. Then glance to Tobias. "So do I." I say quietly and close my eyes.
Eric has been quiet this entire time. It isn't like him to not say anything. Six months ago he would have hung me from the Chasm and stomped on my fingers just to watch Tobias in pain. What has happened to him?
"Why did you leave?" Max asks. I look at Tobias and he nods his head. How can I tell my leaders that I got into an argument with my boyfriend and stormed off like a child? I wonder if he is nodding because I have to tell my leader what happened of if he wants to know.
"I needed distance." I say. "Distance? From what? Dauntless?" He asks. "NO, no…not from Dauntless." I close my eyes and when I open them I am looking at Tobias. I try to swallow my pain but when I speak there is agony in my voice. "From Four." Tobias's jaw clenches and his knee stops bouncing. Tobias places his elbows on his knees and looks down at his hands. Concern comes over Eric and Max's face. I suddenly wish I was sitting with him on the couch instead of the stool I took from the island. I feel like I should be comforting him or is it me that needs his comfort.
"I don't want into your personal lives, Four, but is there anything I need to know about what caused her to run off." Max asks.
"I didn't want her to find out tomorrow about the Factionless uprising. I felt I owed it to her to tell her tonight. She wanted to join patrols and fight. I told her no." Tobias says. Tobias looks at me. His stern face does not reach his eyes. "You ran off because he told you no?" Max looks puzzled and if I am reading him right he looks ashamed. "It wasn't quite like that." I add. "I left for several reasons. I understand he couldn't tell me sooner. He is loyal to his faction and his position. When I voiced that I wanted to join the fight he got angry with me. I felt that he didn't trust me or believe in me. He said he just wanted to protect me but I didn't join Dauntless, a warrior faction, to be locked up in an apartment while everyone else fights a war that I am capable of fighting. I wanted to get distance between us because…" I hesitate.
"Because?" Max questions. "Because," I shake my head willing myself not to say this to my leader, "I can't control myself around him and he makes my thoughts…fuzzy." Max laughs and Eric joins in. Even Tobias betrays me with a smirk. "I'm glad you all are enjoying yourselves." Now I am angry. "Just sentence me and get this over with Max." Max's face straightens. "What do you think you deserve?" Max says. Tobias's leg starts to bounce again. "Max, I think there is more to the story. It can't be this simple." Eric chimes in. "What aren't you telling us, Tris." He says.
Tobias interrupts. "I wouldn't let her leave. I grabbed her arm and pulled her back into the apartment. A little too rough because when I did that I knocked her to the floor." Tobias face is full of pain and guilt.
"What?" I stand up. "Four, you didn't knock me to the ground! Yes, you grabbed my arm to make me stay but when you brought me back into the apartment I tripped. You didn't knock me to the ground! That isn't why I left. I left because I needed to think. I felt like I was being treated like a child and not part of this faction. I spent my life in Abnegation never feeling like I belonged and I finally feel like I am home. I felt like you didn't want me. I felt like you didn't need me. Then you turned into leader mode and treated me like…." I can't think. Tobias stands and comes over to me. He places his hands on my upper arms. "Tris, you are not a child, you are a very, very, stubborn woman," he laughs, "but I'm sorry I made you feel like that." I stand there looking up at him. Everything I was going to say has left my mind. I place my hands on his hips and use his belt loops to bring him closer. "Eric is talking to you Tris." Tobias says. It takes a minute for his words to sink in. When they do I hear laughter. I turn and glare at Eric. "What's so funny, Eric?" I sneer. "Ya know what? Four does a lot of things to a lot of people. I have seen him royally piss people off. I have seen him intimidate people. I have seen him be a prick and a badass. I have never seen him do that." Eric laughs.
"That?" I ask. "Nothing, Tris." Eric laughs. Max asks, "Four, can you lead Tris effectively? Can you be partial to her punishment? Could you be involved in her punishment?"
"Are you asking if I could beat her in front of Dauntless and send her to be factionless? Could I kill her if that is her sentence? Would I let my feelings for her interfere with my ability to lead? Let me ask you, Max. You keep your life private but could you beat or kill Emily? Could you beat or kill Zoey, Eric? Could you two separate yourselves from your roles as leaders? Could you stand by while Eric and I beat Emily? Eric, could you keep our truce if I beat Zoey or held a gun to her head."
They both look at Tobias. Eric clenches his jaw at the thought. "No, Four, I couldn't." Eric says. "Does that make you a traitor? Does that make you less of a leader, Eric? Faction before Blood, right?" Tobias says. "No," he adds, "I cannot be partial. I cannot separate myself as a leader. To anyone else, yes, but not to Tris."
There is silence. "What I am about to say," Max says forcefully, "will never, ever, leave this room. Do we all understand and agree?" We all say yes as if it was a question and not a command. "We have discovered that the three of us cannot separate ourselves as leaders when it comes to family. As leaders we are to keep peace in our compound. We are to be examples of what Dauntless are to be. The three of us have to be able to trust each other. I did not walk into this room with the thought that we would punish Tris with a beating, factionlessness, or death. It is the foundation of Dauntless that this is a brotherhood and when one person steps out of line it affects us all but we also have each other's backs."
"Are you saying you are willing to cover this up and ignore the reality of what I have done?" I ask. "Very perceptive, Tris." Max says. "I can't ask you to do that. I am Dauntless and I accept my fate." I say in all seriousness. "And that is why you belong here, Tris. I am not one to break the rules. It is my job to enforce the rules and laws. This is not a free ride to become a rebel and think that our families are invincible. I am doing this because it is what is morally right. You know you did wrong but you have no idea what you have done right, do you?" I did something right?
"How can murder be right, Max?" I ask. "Tris, do you really think it was murder? What you did was self-defense. If you hadn't killed her she would have killed you." Max says.
"Taking a life is murder. It makes me a killer." I explain. Max looks up and to his left and takes a breath. Is he angry with me or contemplating his next move? Eric interrupts Max in thought, "We are trained to kill. You survived because Four trained you to kill. He is trained to kill. And as an instructor in training you are learning how to train future initiates how to kill. A lot of us have been where you are right now, Tris. Eight months before initiation there was a riot and Four and I led a team to break it up with force. It isn't easy to take a life but we have to be ready to do it at a moment's notice. We have to do it for a greater good, to protect ourselves, or to protect those who cannot protect themselves." There was a riot and Tobias, at the age I am now, was in the middle of it. Did he kill someone? Is that how he knows what it is like in a war situation? What exactly have those eyes seen?
"Why did you kill one and not the other?" Max asks me. "I'll explain but hang in there with me, Ok? I have to find the right words." The three of them nod and I take my seat on the stool while Tobias sits back on the couch. "The two of them were both coming at me. I fought them both off and like I expected they kept coming back. I was knocked down and I landed on Four's gun. I didn't know it was in his jacket until that point. I knew I couldn't stay down because I would open myself up and I had better chances with them one at a time. So, I used the handle of the gun to knock Drew out then I could turn my attention to Molly. I knew they would have important information that we could use. They are not the type to stay out of a conflict. I figured Molly was just some lackey and Drew would be more valuable. It was not my intent to kill her but at the same time I couldn't let her get away and get information back to the factionless. She came at me to kill me and I had to sacrifice her to get Drew back here. So I slapped him awake and held him at gunpoint. I made him walk back here."
The three of them sit there waiting for me to say more but…that's all I got.
Tobias is looking at me. Is that pride on his face?
"No disrespect to your instructing abilities, Four, but you can't teach that in any class." Eric says. "No, you can't. Four?" Max look to Tobias. "She has been training to instruct for the past 3 months." Tobias starts, "Tomorrow, after we explain what is going on, I think it would be valuable to refresh training with the squads. Some of Dauntless have been out of initiation for many years and could use some refreshing. I'm sure they can protect themselves in any situation but most of them have never been in a conflict or a war. I suggest taking some of the people who have been in those situations and pairing them up with an instructor."
"That's a good idea." Max and Eric say in unison. "After the announcement tomorrow we will still get volunteers for the 5 squads. Eric, if you can group those people according to the purpose of each team then we can set them up for training. Four, if you can set up training and instructors we can get started right away." Tobias nods his head in agreement. Seeing him working in an official capacity is actually turning me on. Tobias is leaning on his knees again. His jaw is clenched and his arms are flexing. He is in deep thought. Oh and so am I! Even though I see him right in front of me, in my mind I am seeing him over me. He looks down at me with those eyes! Those eyes that say I am his. Why is it that I can't relinquish control but I love when he is controlling in bed? Uhh, Can Max and Eric leave fast enough?
"Tris?" Tobias looks at me with a smirk on his face. "Yeah," I squeak out and clear my throat, "Yeah?"
"As we were saying, since you are not a fully certified instructor, you will be paired with me. Eric will pair with Shauna, and once I talk to Zeke he will pair with Lauren. Max, we don't know how long we will have for training. Each team will need trained in self-defense and fighting, marksmanship, and combat as well as training for their individual tasks." Tobias explains.
"Since two teams have the same tasks but in different areas we could combine them for training." Eric says. "We could," Tobias says, "but we really need them to work and act as a team."
"What if we do two shifts a day?" I ask. Tobias and Eric look at me and consider what I have said. "It could work." Eric says. "What do you have in mind?" Tobias asks.
"If we have 5 squads for whatever plan you have set in action then they should, like Four said, be trained individually. Most initiates bond during initiation and usually stick together after. So if those 5 teams train together and go through drills together then they are in it together. As you said, Max, Dauntless is a brotherhood but the teams need to bond and know that they can trust each other. Let's say we split the day in two. The first part of the day, we split the 5 squads into three groups. Each of the three sets of instructors will train one group. The first group can be training on fitness, endurance, teamwork, and skilled techniques. The second group can be training on combat, and the third group can be training on marksmanship. The second half of the day, we could divide up into the five squads. Each instructor can take a squad and go through individualized training according to their mission. The instructor training a squad would then become the squad leader." When I finish my suggestion, Max, Eric, and Tobias are nodding. "That's an excellent plan." Tobias says. "Max?" Tobias asks. "I agree. Tobias you are lead trainer so you and Tris plan out the first half of the day. Find your trainers. Eric you get the plans gathered for the second half of the day. I want you to explain the individual squad missions to the instructor in charge of that squad." Max says.
Max, Eric, and Tobias go on talking. I have several questions but they don't really pertain to what they are talking about. I excuse myself and head into the bedroom. I just need a moment alone. I went from passion and desire to planning a war on the factionless. Six months ago I never would have thought this would be my life. I always thought I would marry and have kids and feed the factionless. I would go through the motions of life until I die. Now I am with Tobias. Quite possibly the sexiest man alive. He is in our living room as a leader of our faction. He holds so much power and strength. I sit on the bed and continue thinking about Tobias. He just amazes me. He is so protective of me and I think I have been viewing it all wrong. He wants to protect me because he doesn't want to lose me. I don't want to lose him either. Shit. I just made him leader of a squad. I just placed him in the middle of a war. I lay back but and hear a paper crinkle under my head. It's the letter from Derrick.
Tris,
We liked your audition and would like you to do a live tryout. We want you to perform a few songs with us at the party in a few days but would also like you to perform a few original songs. We need to get several practices in so get with me as soon as you can. Thanks!
Derrick
If there is a party I will be too busy training killers. I walk to the living room and the three quiet down. "I'm sorry I interrupted." I say raising my hand. I start to turn away. "No, it's ok Tris, what is that?" Tobias points to the letter. "Oh, it's just the letter from Derrick. That's not why I came in here. I actually had a question for the three of you. Um…The four of us aren't the only ones that know what happened tonight. Marlene knows. The Patrol Officers on duty tonight also know I was out of the compound. They were trying to help find me. I'm not comfortable lying to my faction. I'm not a coward. I'll take what I deserve."
"We have been through this, Tris." Max says. "What you did was wrong but good will come from it. I'm contacting Jack in the morning to get truth serum for Drew. We will find out more about the factionless. It was planned that you were sent with Four on a mission to get more information but you got separated. That is when we advised the Patrol to look for you. You came across Drew and Molly. That's what happened. Understand?"
I nod. I know this is his final comment on the subject. "Yes, sir." I say. The formality is warranted. I look to Tobias. "I'm going to shower and go to bed. Here," I hand the letter to Tobias, "I forgot about the party in a few days. I don't know how it will work after tomorrow so I wanted to remind you." I lean down and give him a quick kiss. "Don't rush on my account." I say to Max and Eric. When I reach the bedroom door I turn back to Eric, "Thank you for earlier." Eric nods and I close the bedroom door behind me.