Thanks for all the reviews. Adore them all. They're brilliant. Keep them coming. They make me ever so happy. Keep them coming. Enjoy! Chapter 20!
You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?" - George Bernard Shaw
Wednesday 12th January 2005 - 2:41am
Dear Diary,
I have to write this straight away, in case I forget. Nothing has ever happened like this before. Nothing. Even after years of Dr West's so called psychology classes. I think. I'm not entirely sure. I think I remembered something, something of that day. Although I'm not sure, whether to be happy or sad by this? If anything, I'm a little confused. I mean, what brought this on. Was it, well what happened earlier. Perhaps. I not sure. Maybe this is the last piece of the puzzle, to entail that I am really going crazy.
It was just a dream. That's all but one part of it, one part merely 10 seconds or so, seemed to real. I'm not sure. I can't explain. It was so close to what had happened earlier & so similar as well, but then it seemed so real, just like that as well.
The dream, had even started off different from the others. I wasn't with Suzie or David. I was with Edward Cullen of all people. We on the peak. Just sitting. We were talking, but I'm not sure what about. I had knew in the dream, but it's completely blocked from my memory now. We are friends, that's obvious, but little hints entail something else, something more. He leans his head towards me, closer in & then in a flash he was gone, running away from me.
This part I knew was a dream. No one could possibly ever run that fast. But all the same, I had felt disappointed. I didn't want him to leave me. Alone. Not on pirates peak. Maybe this was another strange factor of my dream. I had felt completely safe & not the slightest bit scared with Edward with me there. Even if it was just in my dream. That never happened. Not even in my dreams, especially not in my dreams. It only brings it all back. Something, that I never wanted, even when It involuntary came. I had felt this way, with a complete stranger, a boy I had met once & I'm pretty sure detests me.
Then I was left crying & calling after Edward. I wanted him to come back. That was when the vision changed. I was back as an twelve year old, it was that day, the day it had all happened. We were in the middle of that fight, me & Melanie. A familiar scene. A scene that I've seen many times, in both my memories & dreams.
It didn't end where it usually ended though, it carried on in a unfamiliar yet strangely déjà vu like picture. I was picking up more rocks now, throwing them intensely straight at Melanie. Pure hate, filled my eyes. It was scary diary. I have never seen myself like that before. And I can't believe I did do it. Which makes the dream possibility, even more possible. I looked ready to kill. I can't believe myself If I had acted that way, just before her death. It would make me sick, to even think if I had. The way I was behaving was disgusting, but I couldn't stop.
Melanie was starting to back off after a while. She was growing tired of the argument. She tripped slightly on a rock & fell to her knees on the floor. She started begging "No Belsy don't." "Belsy stop" over & over again, just like my hallucination I had had.
But I still wasn't stopping & I couldn't understand why not. I looked like a monster. I kept going & going. Then it all became very blurred & misty again, like my missing memories.
And then one last image, appeared, I had my arms wrapped around her wrists, her hands were against my shoulders. And she had then whispered in that same tone as before.
"Thank you Belsy."
As cliché as it may sound, this was where I woke up. I was drenched in sweat, just like after all of my nightmares. Only was this a nightmare. I'm not even sure it's real. Though, its felt so real. Just like before. I don't want it to be. I don't want to be that monster. And the similarities to my earlier experience. Were they too similar.
Should I tell someone?
Then again no. This is nothing. I know it's nothing. Just the issue of everything, that's been going on. I will not give in to hallucinations & dreams. Of course they aren't real, who am I kidding. They'll just come more often if I believe that. And come on, like stuff like that really happens. If I was going to remember I would have remembered a whole lot sooner than now. No my memories are list forever, I'm sure. Just like my voice. Gone. Lost. Never coming back. I'll have to deal with that. I have done so, for so long now.
But then, what has any of this, got anything to do with Edward Cullen? That's possibly the most indifferent part. Why was he suddenly creeping into my dreams, as well as my waking thoughts? Is this right?
It's too early. I should try, for some more sleep, though I doubt I'll get any. Everything that's all happened will just stay locked inside my head.
I still can't help but wonder now.
What does all of this mean?
Yours
Bella
Wow, Chapter 20, already. Hope you liked it. Wasn't too sure how to write this one. Not sure If I quite wrote it write, but hopefully I got the message across. Reviews would be delightful. Thanks!