THE INSTINCT

5.6 lbs, 17.5 inches. Inez Emily Shore was born a month early and after the biggest surprise in the life of her parents. But she was here, in this incubator. It had taken them a couple of hours to choose a name, they had not really thought about it. But Aaron was sure of one thing, he wanted to give his daughter a Mexican name. Emily had not really put a fight, she knew she would lose the battle, she was too tired to fight, and she liked Mexican names anyway. So here it was, Inez. They had not chosen a middle name either, but Aaron had instantly seen the courage of this little baby, her strength, being born one month early but still so healthy and beautiful, exactly like her mom. So he had suggested Emily. His wife had looked at him weirdly, she wasn't really comfortable with giving her own name to her daughter, but she had agreed. Inez Emily Shore. She had been in this world for the past 24 hours, but she was already making life more beautiful. Her dad was holding her tiny little hand through the hole of the incubator, admiring how such a tiny thing could be so beautiful. It was theirs, their daughter, and all he could feel was joy and love for her. He knew she would stay there for at least a few more days, probably a few more weeks, the time for her to get strong enough to face the world, but he was over the moon. He had been able to hold her and give her the bottle, and it had been the most incredible experience of his life. He had cried, letting tears fall down his cheeks, afraid he would break this tiny little thing he was holding in his arms. He still couldn't believe it.

As for her, Emily had spent the day resting in her bedroom in the hospital, but her feelings were mixed. She had hold her daughter in her arms, but she couldn't really realize it was hers. Even after all the pain she had been through with giving birth to her, even after feeling her in her womb for two months, she couldn't realize it. She had been asked if she wanted to feed her, and she had refused. She wasn't ready. She just wasn't. She had withdrawn into herself, not really expressing her emotions, whether it was to Aaron or to her parents who were still there. She had been to the neonatal unit only once, pushed by her parents, and she had looked at Inez Emily Shore, but she had not felt much. She thought it was just the exhaustion from the delivery, that it would come, but truth be told, she wasn't really feeling much of a mother. She had hoped that the instinct would kick in when giving birth to her, seeing her for the first time, but it had not. She had not shown the will to go and see her baby more often, she had not shown any interest in feeding her, and she was just feeling empty.

Of course, Aaron had noticed Emily's behavior. He had talked with his in-laws about it, but he didn't want to pressure her. The psychologist they had met several times had explained it could happen, that it was not because she was accepting the pregnancy that she would feel the maternal instinct kick in like that. But deep in his heart, it was hurting him that Emily wasn't showing any love for this little thing that was half of both of them. It felt to him as if Inez didn't have a mother, and it was hard, because he knew it wasn't true.

Though, after 24 hours, Emily was finally ready to leave the hospital. So Aaron walked to her room as she was getting ready. She had shadows under her eyes, was still exhausted, but she was ready to escape this place. It was late in the evening, and her mom had brought her clothes to get more comfortable. So she was getting dressed, looking at herself in the mirror of the bathroom of her hospital room, she was hating herself, her body was completely deformed. She quickly put clothes on, looking away from the mirror, put her short hair in a bun, and left the room. Aaron had come inside in the meantime, ready to take her to the hotel where they would stay for the time Inez was staying in neonatal care. She kissed him slowly, pure habit of doing this when he was coming in somewhere.

"Do you want to go see Inez before going to the hotel?" Aaron asked, wrapping an arm around her, making Emily shiver.

"Yeah, sure…" Emily answered blankly.

She didn't really want to say no, she knew it would hurt Aaron and she was in no mood for a fight with him. So Aaron took Emily's bag in his hand, and they left the room, checking everything was in order. They walked to the lower floor where the neonatal care was, and walked into the room where all the premature babies were, in their incubators. They crossed the path of one of the nurses, and they talked for a bit, asking how Inez was really doing, but Aaron was doing most of the talking. Emily was only half-listening, the cries of all the babies overwhelming her. The nurse opened the incubator and took Inez, giving her to Aaron whose eyes were shining with pride and happiness. He was genuinely the happiest man on earth, and Emily's heart broke a little, realizing she was mostly indifferent to this. How could she be indifferent to her baby girl? She couldn't understand it was possible, but it was just how it was.

"Do you want to feed her? She should be hungry by now…" Aaron tried.

It took a few seconds to realize what Aaron had asked, but Inez was already in her arms, and she was feeling confused about what to do or not. It was the first time she would feed Inez, and it was feeling weird to her. She sat in the chair next to the incubator, being very careful with her daughter's head, still so fragile. Emily was not sure how to behave, how to do. The nurse came with a bottle and explained Emily how to do it, how to know whether it was too warm or not for the baby. Emily felt confused, not really sure she would be able to do all that by herself when Inez would be out of the hospital. Emily took the bottle in her free hand, sat up a bit to be comfortable enough with Inez in her arms, and put the teat of the bottle in her daughter's tiny mouth. Inez quickly latched onto it and started drinking. It was the weirdest feeling Emily had ever had. She was feeding her daughter, but she couldn't quite realize it that much yet. Aaron was looking at her, the most beautiful woman of earth feeding the most beautiful daughter on earth. He was over the moon, it made him smile, and took his phone out of his pocket to take a picture of those two, his precious girls. Deep inside though, he felt his heart breaking a little, he knew Emily wasn't feeling the way she should as a new mom, he knew it wasn't normal that Emily was feeling so out of it.

A few hours later, Aaron and Emily were in their hotel room, laying on the bed. They had had dinner with Emily's parents, the topic had revolved around Inez all the time, and Emily had been mostly listening to everybody around her being enthralled with the newborn. She had changed into comfy pyjamas and had put her head on Aaron's chest, Aaron enveloping her with his arm. She was silent, not knowing what to say or what to think, and she was glad Aaron was accepting this so kindly, not wanting to pressure her into saying anything. Aaron could feel how heavy the atmosphere was. But he didn't want to break this silence, didn't want to force Emily into saying anything she wasn't ready to, and they ended up falling asleep like that.

In the middle of the night, Emily woke up with a start and sat up, breathing heavily. She thought she had heard a baby cry, but realized nobody was there, she was alone with her husband in their hotel room. Her jolt had woken up Aaron who tried to reassure her while she was still breathing heavily.

"Hey, hey, you're ok, it's ok… Em, what is going on?" Aaron asked.

"I… just thought I heard a baby crying. I think I was having a bad dream, and I heard a baby cry and it woke me up…"

"No one is crying, you are okay, everything is okay." Aaron put his arm around her shoulders.

It took some time for Emily to feel okay, and Aaron stood up to give her a glass of water. She drank it in one go, and tried to regain composure, focusing on her breathing.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Aaron tried.

"I … I don't know. I just… Why don't I feel like I am a mom? Why don't I feel anything when I hold her? And still, I'm worried to hear her crying, it wakes me up during the night… Am I crazy?" Emily explained.

Aaron pulled Emily into him, letting their heads fall on the pillows, and cuddling her.

"I'm sure it will come. It will just take time. You told it yourself, you didn't have a normal pregnancy, it's probably just normal, just don't give up already, you'll feel the instinct kick in." Aaron reassured her, kissing her temple.

"It's just that… I wanted so much to feel this instinct, for it to kick in when I gave birth to her. But I just don't feel anything. I thought not having an epidural would help me, I thought I would actually feel her coming to this world, but it was just painful, and nothing happened." Emily said.

"Is it why you wanted so much to avoid the c-section or the epidural?" Aaron wondered.

"I think so yeah…" Emily paused. "Yeah, I was just afraid it would prevent me from being a mom."

"Maybe you should talk to the psychologist, he would probably help you with that. Not that I don't want to help you, but I cannot say that I've been through this the same way that you have."

"Yeah, you're right…"

"We should go back to sleep, I promise it will be okay."

The following days passed with the same rhythm, spending a good part of their day in the hospital, checking on their daughter. Emily was forcing herself to feed her and change her, hoping the maternal instinct would come. Aaron was still over the moon, he couldn't take his eyes off of his daughter, he could have kept her in his arms forever. The doctors had told them she would be able to leave the hospital in about a week, and Aaron and Emily booked a flight to come back to D.C. with her. They were both a bit afraid of how this would go, but this was the only realistic solution to go back there. Renting a car and driving hours with an infant was out of question. Aaron's parents had booked a flight to come visit in Washington. They would be there for a good week, helping the new little family with all the adjustments of having to take care of a baby on their own. But more importantly, Emily and Aaron were already thinking of going back to work. After the first couple of days completely shut from the world, they had turned their professional phones back on, receiving hundreds of messages of congratulations, and they had started again taking a couple of phone calls. The campaign was still going on, and they had turned the TV back on to follow the polls and interviews. They obviously weren't working that much, but they were happy to take calls from the President to advise him on certain questions, it was feeling good.

It was a Thursday morning, and Inez was supposed to leave the hospital the next Monday. Aaron and Emily arrived the hospital to see how their daughter was going. She had put weight on, and grown a bit, and they were hoping to take off the ventilation in the day. Aaron had fed her and she was now sleeping peacefully in her dad's arms. Emily was truly impressed by Aaron, how easy all of this seemed to him, how happy he was when he was with her. He decided to put her back in her incubator to let her sleep some more, and while he was talking with Emily about how much she had grown in only a few days, they heard the monitor that was checking her heartbeat starting to beep. They both looked at the monitor, worried, and they saw her heartbeat going down. Suddenly, they were pushed outside the room and way too many people were rushing to take care of Inez. They didn't know what was happening, and they both started to cry, looking through the window of the room. They couldn't even see what was happening, they could only recognize two of the nurses and one pediatrician taking care of Inez. They didn't know how all of this was possible, she looked fine the minute before, and they were suddenly about to lose her. Emily felt like her heart was being broken in a million of pieces, she squatted down against the wall, putting her head in her hands, and started sobbing. Aaron was still looking through the window, tears falling down his cheeks, his heart pounding. They stayed there for what seemed like hours, waiting desperately for news, but nothing was coming. Had they just lost their baby girl?

Suddenly, the pediatrician came out of the room and walked toward them.

"She's fine. She will be fine…" he reassured them.

Emily and Aaron sighed of relief. They both gulped, taking each other in their arms, and thanked the pediatrician.

"What happened? Can we see her?" Aaron asked.

"She has what we call arrhythmia, it happens sometimes with premature babies. Her heartbeat dropped suddenly, but it came back, we took care of it. It most probably will disappear on its own in a few days or months, you'll just need to take her to the pediatrician in Washington more often. You can see her, but go slow for now." the doctor answered.

They walked back to the neonatal care room where she was, and stood on each side of the incubator. They both took one of Inez hand in theirs, and looked at her through the glass of her incubator.

"Don't even dare doing that again, we love you so much" Emily said.