A/N I did say that if I got done early I would post early! Here is chapter 20! Thank you for the feedback on Chapter 19, it was very helpful to read critiques from people who have been hurt before. I hope you all find justice in this chapter just like Billa. Expect the next chapter no later than 2 weeks from now!
Sankhajima- pure gift
Amtekinh – (Amtek = to make stronger like steel , inh = lady) so my definition is basically - A woman made stronger through great trial.
Zhinkarkal - lady breaking
Chapter 20
It was the pain that woke her, her whole body throbbing like a giant bruise and her chest aching with every breath. What had happened last night? She tried to think back, she remembered the Library and going to have drinks and a pipe, but she didn't make it. Straining to remember made her head hurt more so she chose to linger at the edges of consciousness, floating yet grounded where time passed strangely and her aches were not so strong. Until a figure rose from the corner and the dark mass brought itself in front of her fire to cast a shadow on her bed, it loomed above her and her heart stuttered in her chest. A different shadow was cast on the walls and her chest wasn't aching it was being crushed and his face came lower and lower, towards her own. Not again! NO!
She was ripped from the in between state, the shadow above her was not a dream and she would not let him touch her again. She swung wildly and was rewarded with the smack of flesh hitting flesh and a harsh jolt in her arm. The shadow fell backwards and she sat ready to defend herself. Instead of a short dwarf with brown wiry hair she saw Oin and his dark grey mustache braided into his beard.
"Dammit girl, that hurt!" his voice was stuffy from the hand holding his nose. "But I'm glad you're awake. It makes everythin' a lot easier and we'll all worry a lot less." And though he rose from the ground and had a jar of salve in his hand he did not come near the bed, near her.
His mouth moved, he was saying something.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"I asked if I could apply your salve." Oin had never hesitated to treat her, to touch her, before. Not when she was scraped and bruised and burned. Not when she was covered in Orc and Goblin blood, not even when she was covered in her OWN blood. But now he hesitated; now he balked. Was it so different to touch her now? Now that He had touched her, now that she had lost that fight? Was she really as filthy as she felt?
"Of course."
Quietly he helped her take off her shift, never commenting on the bruises she could feel puffing her lips. He did nothing but rub salve on her skin. His fingers gentled over her wrists, which were black, the bruise a solid ring around them, each finger a clear imprint and they ached so much that flexing her fingers brought pain. Though she couldn't see it, Oin's face told her everything about her face, it felt puffy and she could taste blood on the inside of her lips, small cuts from her front teeth scored them. Her back was another matter entirely, Oin must have spent a half hour gently rubbing it while shushing her whimpers and groans. Billa could only guess how far the bruising extended but from the treated area it was likely the whole of her back down to her thighs. She could not bring herself to look at the afflicted breast past a cursory glance, the handprint that covered it made her gag.
For all that Oin was quiet, he was not distant and he asked permission before touching any part of her. She thought, maybe, his hesitance was not from fear of contamination but more that she may fear him and even though he had been a shadow to her in that in-between-waking place he was dear to her and she would never fear his touch. She told him so.
"I thank you kindly for that Billa, but no one will be touching you without your explicit consent. You are not the first dam who has been assaulted and though that will bring you no comfort, nor should it, we have a certain way we handle matters like these. But I will leave those words for Balin or Thorin, they have been waiting for you to wake up since last night, poor King of ours kipped on the couch." The thought of Thorin Oakenshield cramped onto the small surface of their sofa, which was neither plush nor pretty was so amusing that not even the pain in her lips could keep Billa from smiling. So Oin left her after another dose of poppies milk and food, assuring her that he would be near as she slept and she could bathe when she next woke.
"She'll be fine, physically." Oin whispered when he walked into the living room, closing the door quietly behind him. Thorin rested against the mantle and Balin at the desk in the corner. Dain had been popping in and out through the night with updates from Dwalin and to relay messages to the rest of the Company.
"So she did just faint after all?" when Billa's state of unconsciousness had stretched into the early morning hours they had feared a greater injury at play, but he was quick to reassure them, "I imagine it was just the adrenaline crash. She has fought many battles but never alone." The reminder sobered them, what happened was not a light matter and there was no joy to be found in Billa being less injured than previously thought. That she had been injured at all was beyond reprehensible.
"She should sleep till midday." sighed Oin finally taking a seat in the armchair by the fire, bed sitting was never comfortable and it grew less so with each passing year.
"How extensive are her injuries? Should we postpone the trial?" Bofur and Nori had been able to share some information on the attack but Billa had been insensate with terror, her attacker had possibly been hit too hard since he had yet to regain consciousness in the dungeons. The timeline and motivations of his actions were unknown and without the accounts of his company members the extent of Billa's pain would not have been known without a medical exam.
"She is battered. Her wrists and shoulder are sprained and several ribs are tender as well. Her dress was ruined you know, under Bofur's coat, the bastard had ripped the sleeve and side away. But the bruises,Thorin those are the worst of all." He shuddered just picturing them, those black purple patches of skin that had darkened in the passing hours. He told them of the mottled hand print that marred her breast and how he hadn't the heart to tell her the complications that could bring later in life, specifically if she clotted there, nursing a babe would not be easy. He shared how you could see each fingertip that had dug into her. Small mercy that is was, her legs and hips were clear, for all the hurt he caused her he did not take the sankhajima, that most precious of gifts given once and given in love.
"How did she seem?" Balin asked, for all he worried of her physical state he had seen enough of the world to know that the physical wounds were not the worst in this case. The wounds on Billa's heart and soul could take decades to overcome and there was no easy road to doing so.
They were startled when Oin started laughing "She slugged me, thought he had come back for another chance, and she got me right on the nose. She's still a fighter, I don't think anything will ever change that, but she flinched a lot and seemed confused when I kept asking permission to treat her. She asked if I thought she was dirty." Those words, more than anything had raised alarms in Oin's head. No dam would think such things after a breaking; they knew what it meant to survive. But Billa was not a dam, she was a hobbit and reputations and respectability are important to her people. Even if it had never happened in the Shire didn't mean she hadn't gotten ideas from men and elves. "Her needs will be different than what we're used to. She doesn't see herself as Amtekinh."
"Then we will have to open her eyes." Thorin's words were a heavy burden to bear, to coax triumph where Billa saw defeat would be a lifetime of work but it would be a lifetime well spent. "Tell me when she wakes; she must know that justice will be done. I will not have life in fear in our Mountain."
Until then the King had other duties to attend to; a home to rebuild, a people to guide and a piece of iron slag to interrogate.
"Wake up you worthless piece of shit!" Dwalin threw another bucket of water on the dwarf. It hadn't worked the last four times but Dwalin was all about persistence. He was rewarded when the brown eyes flickered open, "That's right filth, there's a pissed off King to see you." Before he could fully understand, Dwalin had him hauled up by his beard, dragging him from the cell to Thorin and Dain.
"Erl, son of Yerl," Thorin's voice could have frozen the very air "you will submit to my will, for every question you do not answer I will take a finger for every falsehood a limb. Do you understand?" Erl nodded frantically and words spewed from his lips like blood from an artery, every sick thought, every twisted desire he harbored was laid before his Lord and King. "I love her!" he shouted "She is beautiful! She is mine!"
"Wrong!" Thorin thundered back, his face pale in anger "You lie!" he hissed "She is mine! And now this" He took the offered dagger from Dain and flashed it under his nose, "belongs to me as well." He severed the sword hand of Erl. Billa Baggins was his to protect and his to love and even though he could not kill him, Thorin found great satisfaction in removing the hand that dared hurt his One.
"Tomorrow you will stand trial for Zhinkarkal and I will watch you burn."
When the blood was washed from his hands and Erl in his cell sans one sword hand, Thorin went back to Billa's chambers. He crossed paths with much of the Company on his trek, each discreetly inquiring about their Burglar. He did not have much information to share, but their faces brightened knowing she had woken and shared words with Oin.
"Billa never accepts anything less than total victory and with us as her Army she will win this battle as well." Dori's words heartened Thorin the most and resonated in his head the rest of the walk to her apartment.
"She's in the bath." Oin slurred from his prone position on the sofa, an arm slung over his eyes. "She'll be hungry when she finishes."
"Perhaps you should order a lunch for two and adjourn to your own chambers?" he didn't wish to dismiss the healer but he looked tired and sleeping on chairs wasn't doing the old dwarf any favors.
"You'll be okay with her?" he made sure Oin saw his eye roll. "We must talk about tomorrow anyways, it will be better to talk about this with the daylight around."
"You might be right about that laddie," he slapped Thorin hard on the back "I'll have lunch sent up and call me if she needs any help with her salve, her back will give her the most trouble." Thorin had done his share of nursing before and settled back to wait for Billa to emerge from the bath but when their lunch was delivered and she still had not come out he went to the door.
"Billa." he knocked. He could hear the water moving in the tub, could hear her breathing. "Billa, lunch is here." The breathing beyond the door stuttered. Was she crying? It stuttered and gasped. That sounded a lot like crying.
"Billa are you alright?" she still wouldn't answer him, she only quieted her noises. "Please talk to me dear heart."
She broke her silence with a wail "I'm not okay!" Thorin didn't hesitate in opening the bathroom door, clouds of steam billowing past him as he plunged into the bathroom. She was sitting in the water, her hair unbound around her and skin pink from heat and scrubbing. For the first time he saw all of her injuries. Oin was correct when he used the term "battered".
"I can't stop feeling him!" She was washing her side, where a trail of dark fingertips traced her curves "I've used soap and water a hundred times but I can still feel him! My skin is still crawling." Thorin could see it, how her skin was near raw from her efforts, the trail of tears down her cheeks. He pulled the plug from the drain and grabbed a towel, and propriety be damned, he knelt on the floor.
"May I help you Billa?" Her meek nod was a beautiful show of trust and gently he uncurled her fingers from the wash rag. As he dried her off and wrapped her in her robe he told her of the things she had missed that day. How the Kitchens had discovered a store of salt in an old barrel, a rare commodity so far from the south, that the Ravens would be able to travel again as the worst of the winter would soon be past the mountain. Slowly his idle chatter and gentle touch soothed her into silence and his chatter carried them through lunch and to Billa's room where medicine and bed waited.
"Will you need any help?" Thorin asked when he handed her the salve, "Oin said you may have trouble with your back."
She sat fiddling with the jar screwing the lid on and off determinedly not meeting his eyes. "I don't want you to see them." She finally looked up at him "The bruises." His heart broke at her flat tone of voice, like she had no hope or happiness, maybe right now she didn't.
"We need to talk Billa," her eyes darted back to the floor and her knees came up to her chest, "about the attack and you."
"I don't want to."
He sighed and slowly reached his hands towards hers and when she didn't flinch away, he cradled hers in his large calloused palms. "But we must." And when she didn't pull away he continued "None of what happened is your fault nor are your bruises something to feel shame over. They are battle scars the same as Dwalin's ear or Dain's leg. Even if a battle is lost we still take pride in the strength we have for surviving. That is what you are Billa, a survivor." He knew she did not accept his words fully yet, did not believe in her strength yet but she did hand him the jar and rolled to her stomach. The bruises were awful but Thorin ignored them, continuing his conversation instead.
"I need to explain what will happen from here. With your attacker." Billa most certainly did not want this explained she wanted to forget it had ever happened. "I do not know how such a matter is handled amongst Hobbits."
As a matter of fact neither did Billa, such a thing had not happened in the Shire in her lifetime nor had she been warned of it beyond stories of someone's 3rd cousin twice removed from Michel Delving getting what she earned for "bandying about the towns of men, in such a licentious manner." This had never happened to someone she knew, had never truly happened in the Shire at all.
"Amongst Dwarves we have strict rules about the treatment of our women and children and very harsh punishments if they are broken. Men are often not shamed or exiled by their own race after committing such a crime, that is why we execute them. But you were hurt by a dwarrow and he will not be killed."
She felt panic rising in her gut, her chest tightening and her face whitening in terror with the thought that the muddy haired thing of her nightmares would remain in the mountain with her. Would she never feel safe again?
"Please understand Billa" he pleaded "sending him to Mahal's halls would spare him the life of shame and revulsion he should be forced to live. When an attacker is sentenced he is shaved, branded and turned from his Kingdom and allies. Everyone will know what he has done and none will give him food or shelter. Men too will avoid him, for he shall look grotesque. Slowly, painfully he will die cold and alone in the wilderness, cast away from his friends and family and we will leave his body for the wolves. That is how we punish such a fiend." He took a deep breath.
"Before we can punish him there must be a trial and I think you should attend it."
As he rubbed her back he told her of dwarven courts and law and the part she could play. Her testimony would damn him but facing him would start her mending. She would have the justice denied to every Dam that had suffered during the long wandering. She could help bring in a new era of safety and hope.
Her hair was pulled back in a tight coil of braids that framed her face highlighting the marks on her lips. Her dress was crisp and clean, cut to show the purple bruises on her wrists and shoulders. For all that Dori and Gloin told her she looked beautiful and strong her knees were shaking and she could feel her palms slicking with sweat. This was an awful idea. The volume beyond the doors rose with many voices, questions being passed from person to person.
"What's going on?"
"A full court? Now?"
"Zhinkarkel."
"Zhinkarkel."
Why was she doing this? She couldn't do this! How was she supposed to walk into a room of mostly strangers and bare these bruises? How was she supposed to tell them that he had touched her? That she wasn't strong enough to fight him off?
Thorin said there was no shame in defeat, only glory in living to see another day, fight another battle. But without the King's deep timbre to say them the words felt hollow and weightless. Gloin said she was giving the power back to their people. That her strength would "show everyone that we will protect them, that Thorin will protect them, and that we are finally home. You put us deeper in awe of you, little hobbit."
They were right, of course, and Billa could not in good conscience keep herself from the justice others had been denied, this was a reassurance to every dam that had been violated during their Exile that justice was restored and they would be honored as survivors. Though Erl's words and notes were more than enough to condemn him without her, everyone said she would feel better for having a hand in his punishment.
Careful not to touch her hair Billa put her head in her hands and cried.
That's how Thorin found her when he slipped in the room, her hair a perfect crowning coil and her eyes red and puffy from tears. She was beautiful and strong but she was wounded too.
He cleared his throat, the last thing she needed was a fright, "Billa, it is time." He watched entranced as she wiped the tears from her face, straightened her dress and turned towards him her face a mask of proud defiance. She was a vision in her pain, her inner strength showed the Queen she would become.
"This is not easy, what you are doing, but it will help. Do not feel shame for what was done to you Billa for none of us find you shameful. You are our burglar and our Amadel. We will always love you." He paused to hold her hands, so small in comparison to his. "I cannot stand with you while you testify" regrettably a King must preside over the court "but I would have you wear these so everyone will know what you are to me." He showed her two mithril beads, a small round emerald on one side and a triangular ruby on the other connected by twisting vines of ivy. He unwound the temple braids from her coil and slipped them on. "By wearing these everyone will know you are the next Queen Under the Mountain, my intended. My most precious One. I love you." He tapped his forehead to hers and left, silently closing the door behind him.
Gently she fingered the new adornments in her hair and though she felt fear she felt great love as well. She could do this.
Thorin strode into the throne room his coat a swirl of dark blue about his feet and shoulders, his crown framing his grim visage. The crowd descended into silence when he strode up to his throne and stood before it.
"We are gathered today to convene the first high court of the reclaimed Erebor." His voice rang through the entire chamber; each person hung on his words. "We hold this court publicly to ensure our mountain is just and fair, bring forth our prisoner and let us bear witness together."
With the ritual benediction given Thorin settled onto his throne and watched as Erl was dragged from a side chamber and forced to his knees, his back to the King so his voice could be heard by all.
"State your name and rank before your people and King." Dwalin was the bailiff and if his hand twisted harshly in his captives hair when he did not answer, no one complained.
"Oakenshield is not my KING!" Erl thundered and struggled against Dwalin's stronger hold. "I am of the Iron Hills; I am led by Lord Dain."
Dain stepped forward from Thorin's left, "Your crimes are against Erebor and to Erebor you shall answer. I will never shield a coward like you! Now state your name!"
Abandoned by his Lord he had no choice but to comply, "I am Erl son of Yerl, a Corporal in my Lord's guard force."
"Why has Erl been brought into my court?" Thorin intoned from his throne, this was his part to play and if Billa could be strong today then so would he. "Of what does he stand accused?"
"The Corporal was apprehended two days prior in the midst of committing an act of Zhinkarkel."
The room exploded into whispers. "In the mountain?" "To who?" "No. NO!"
"SILENCE!" Thorin had to stand and roar to be heard. "Justice will be served!" and slowly, reluctantly the crowd settled again.
"Captain Dwalin what evidence do you submit towards this dwarrow's guilt?" Of course Thorin had heard Erl's confession himself, had heard from Bofur and Nori the scene they stumbled upon and Billa had shared, amidst tears and shame, the notes she had received and what was done to her person.
"I offer the testimony of two eye witnesses Bofur son of Bodur and Nori son of Ri and the testimony of the Amtekinh, Billa Amadel Baggins."
Thankfully Dwalin's force was prepared for the reaction Billa's name would get, they stepped in front of Erl with swords and axes drawn, ready to meet the mob that could spring up from the populous. They would keep him alive for justice would not be met if he died here. A mob did spring up, with shouts and curses dwarrow and men alike rose to anger and arms, though the crime was named in Khuzdul everyone had heard the translation in the last few days.
Not even Thorin's shouting could cool the crowd's fervor, their anger rising and flaming with every passing second that they were denied access to the accused dwarrow. Dwalin's force was almost over run, twenty five soldiers against the entire mountain not being a sustainable defense. As angry had they were they quieted instantly their heads turning to Thorin's left, towards the side chamber where Billa was waiting to enter. Strike that, where Billa was entering.
She was poised and calm; her face betrayed nothing but collected coolness. She bypassed Thorin and the throne, heading instead to stand next to Dwalin in front of the riotous crowd. Their stunned silence was the prefect pause for Billa's voice to carry to every corner of the room.
"You all would deny me justice?' the tone was icy, disappointed even. "You would give this filth the reprieve of your Father's halls? You would not give me vengeance?" the room was suspended in that moment, no one daring to speak out against Billa. "I am Amadel, I am Amtekinh and I demand justice!"
With her words they backed away from the warriors, their pickaxes and daggers slipping back into boots and holsters. They would not defy her, their Mountain Mother, who stood before them white faced except for her bruised lips the defiant set of her shoulders exuding a quiet strength despite her pain.
"And so you shall have it." Thorin answered, his voice laced with pride "tell us of your strength."
She told them everything, how the notes had arrived and flattered and how they turned darker and darker with every moment she shared with Thorin and finally how he had passed her in a hallway, pushed her to a wall and attempted to take something that was not his. She shared her pain upon waking and the shame that welled within her when she saw her wounds.
Erl's fate was sealed.
"He shall be cast out." It was the King's duty to pass judgment and his pleasure to see it done "He shall be stripped of all signs of clan, hall and trade. Erl son of Yerl has never been and will never be. In the name of our Maker so mote it be."
Billa did not stay after that, as they shaved his head and face while he howled and swore. Later when Dwalin cast him out into the cold and snow his parting words were carried on the wind.
"I WILL HAVE HER KING UNDER THE MOUNTAIN! I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HER! AMADEL, PLEASE!" his words did not reach her ears and the fear of him would not stay in her heart.
Time heals all wounds and the light of day will always chase away the shadows of our nightmares.
So passed the first winter in the newly reclaimed Erebor.