When ADC tries to pull a 'kid-thats-never-killed-anything' in FTWD but all she has is Heda reloaded.. Yup haha ^^ Guys! The promo for Ep 16! Aaaah! LEXA'S COMING BACK! To die again but still, AAAAHHH! :D
So I know what you're all wondering. Why no update for 2 weeks?! I was ill. And I had a seriously severe dose of writer's block. Im not really all that confident in today's update. I wont lie. Its probably shit. But I've tried to rewrite it so many times now and its just not happening. Instead I seemed to have re-written the niylah-clarke sex scene in chp.5.. Sooooo.. Yeah... I'm just gonna write today off as a shit chapter and move on over to the next one. I can only apologise and send you on to the happier part of todays author commentary *points down*
Now I feel I don't say this enough but you guys are freaking awesome! The support on this story has been crazy! I'm seriously blown way! It honestly brightens my day to know so many of you enjoy my story. Thanks doesn't seem to cover it anymore... Everybody take a virtual high-five and a hearty grounder arm clasp! :)
You've got mail:
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cosmic. welt: I'm still working on that review trophy!
claudia. garib: Its still going!
Itsmedusty7: 19 chapters in 3 days?! I'm both impressed and honoured! Thanks for reading!
Leodawn83: There's always hope.. Updates are (usually) weekly. Catch me on a friday. Also I'm glad you're soundtracking with me!
Life-is-rolling-keep-on-going: Brutal aftermath, huh? We'll see...
qota the dragan: I wouldn't exactly call this an AU.. More a spicing/epic fucking up of the show episodes.. Everybody else is headed our way soon! Don't worry. Whether their storylines will stay the same as canon is to be decided. Lets see how wildly inventive my imaginations gets.
valentixna: Thanks for the love! Welcome to the reviewer's lounge!
Eliquetric: Jes cares for Clarke. Thats all I'm saying.. Clarke may get jealous. But then again she may feel different about lexa altogether after this punishment lark. Who knows!.. 1000 more followers would push my ego to its limit but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it to happen :P Thanks for the reviews!
Cait: I'm glad I delivered you the fic you wanted!
Damn guys! I'ma have to start emailing review response I think!
Playing; Fall by Dotan.
We survive together...
Lexa.
Clarke walked toward me with her head down watching her feet to avoid all the blood in the snow. Her steps were slow. Each one displaying the immense effort it took her to simply push one foot in front of the other. Jes was at her side carefully and gently guiding her. One hand firmly holding clarke's arm while she walked slowly beside the injured girl to keep her from stumbling down.
When they reached me by the fire Jes carefully removed the blanket from Clarke's shoulders and bundled it up under her arm for safekeeping, leaving clarke to stand bare again in her now torn and bloody chest covering. The warriors behind her in the snow were silent. But I could see from their widening eyes that her back looked terrible. The sight of it sent a push of guilt through my chest. And yet I told myself to remain calm and still.
Jes whispered when the other girl started shaking from the cold and quickly offered her the blanket back. Clarke lifted her head to look down at me and refused it the second our eyes met.
Still she is relentless..
I stared at her. Taking in the pale skin and exhausted eyes. She had barely rested. But I knew that already. Her screams of pain had carried on past the lashing and long into her extended break of healing. They had followed me about camp as I busied myself readying messengers for Polis and Indra. Cruelly tormenting me as she laid in her own torment. Begging me to answer their summons to her.
But I couldn't.
Instead I'd forced my way thorough talks with Roan regarding our moving on to the border. And negotiating terms to his alliance inside my coalition. I'd even listened to his relentless begging to allow Niylah to heal his cousin. Because choosing to endure the king's company had been an all too easy decision compared to the task of forcing myself to see clarke's suffering.
My eyes moved away from my glance back at the king when Jes knelt in the snow beside clarke. I subtly shook my head at her. She wouldn't be staying. This part would be just me and Clarke. As it needed to be.
Jes looked back at me, begging me to change my mind. When I refused she looked down to Clarke for her opinion. She seemed worried to leave her with me. The other girl gave her a weak smile and told her it was okay. I gave Jes my own look too to order her away with a hand threatening to fist in anger when she took her time to go. The warrior glanced cautiously my way and then bowed her head to whisper in clarke's ear. Her hand squeezed clarke's shoulder gently after. Clarke wordlessly nodded in reply.
Now what do they say? I growled to myself, annoyed with their secrets. I told myself to ignore the sudden rise in my blood for it. I had to believe it was just last words of comfort.
Jes rose back to her feet after a short moment and walked away with reluctant limping steps back to stand with the others. I made sure to see her standing beside her old warrior before I looked back to clarke. To her tired eyes avoiding mine to look at the few warriors standing around her. To her frowning at their small number. And then to her stare at the post behind me. I knew she was recalling her time against it. I could tell in the trembles shaking her fingers at her sides.
In that moment I wanted to take her away from this place. Away from all memory of what had happened here. But I could not.
You stop when its over, I reminded myself again.
I struggled with what to say to her in the seconds it took to look her over. My mind was too ablaze in the memory of seeing her tear stained face bent against the post. So many things were fighting to be blurted out under the weight of seeing her again in so much pain. The foremost being an apology for all of this. Especially when her eyes refused to meet mine.
But the commander in me refused to let me speak the words.
Heda apologised to no-one.
I cut my emotions away, and reminded myself to stay strong, as I raised my hand up to clarke in request for her to sit down opposite me. I watched in silent torture as she slowly eased herself onto the cut log I'd had placed beside the fire for her. Bending her back made her entire body shake. I could only guess to the pain she was hiding from me.
Clarke shivered delicately to herself when she was sat and waited patient for me to begin. Her eyes were straying across the trampled snow at her feet, ignoring my presence completely. I watched her a moment before I found the strength to at last speak to her.
"Does it hurt much?" I quietly asked with relief seeing her eyes finally drift back to me with my question.
She stared at me a moment. Blue eyes locking deeply onto mine. Then she shook her head. An answer that surprised me.
"Yes" she smiled at my expression and winced when she tried sitting straight under my shooting her a look to be serious. It relieved me to see her so light about all this but at the same time I wished for her not to hide from me.
Clarke gritted her teeth with her sitting up and rolled her shoulders back, gasping out when it irritated her back. I saw a bead of sweat roll down her face and told myself to get on with this. The sooner it was done and over, the sooner she could rest.
The sooner we may all move on, I added in afterthought.
I pulled my knife from my thigh and held it out above the flames beside us. My eyes stayed on the blade's sharp point as it slowly turned from black to red. I felt a tension fill the air suddenly. Like the earth itself were holding its breath. I tried my hardest to ignore it.
"Jes explained this part to you?" I asked knowing the warrior would have wanted Clarke prepared. Surprisingly clarke shook her head at me.
"I wanted you to tell me" she told me in a strained whisper.
I looked away from the blade turning colour to her eyes watching me. They asked me to tell her. They told me I was the only one she would hear this from. My heart throbbed in my chest to know I was the only one she would trust to tell her.
She knows you would not lie, my heart moaned in my chest. It did not want me to tell clarke and yet I could not. Now it was happening she had a right to know what her body would be put through. I could not protect her from this. But I could prepare her.
I nodded my consent and set the blade into the fire to heat alone. Then I waved forward the young village girl who stood waiting by cain's shadow. She took a small step forward at my summons with scared eyes locked on Clarke's back. I impatiently looked to cain when she stopped and he nudged the girl in the back. She hurried over then, hands carefully holding the jar she'd been entrusted with.
Clarke's eyes were pinned to it the second I thanked the girl and took it into my hands. I could see her again trying to work out what was inside it. I could sense her fear for it.
"Blades of fire is a dangerous punishment" I began holding the jar tight between my palms. I paused then. I was suddenly nervous to speak of it to her. I was anxious anticipating her coming shock and fear but forced my voice to stay level and my expression to hold nothing but calm for her.
"Only those who commit serious crimes are subject to it" I paused again a moment in thought before I added quieter, "Eko is the first I have had punished under it"
Clarke's eyes moved up to me in surprise. I would have smiled if I wasn't feeling so surprised myself. Never would I have believed Eko would be the one. It hurt in a confusing way. She had betrayed me and so had deserved every moment of her punishment. And yet I felt a strange tingle of shame over it. Maybe our previous friendship made it a sore decision to me now. Maybe costia's spirit was cursing me for it. I didn't know. I only knew I felt regret. And wished I didn't.
I continued stronger in my explanation to clarke, my anger for my emotions pushing me on, "We call it fire not because we use hot blades to make the cuts. But for the substance we put on the knife first"
"Poison" Clarke guessed watching me pull the lid off the jar.
I shook my head while I released the cloth top covering the dangerous substance. The smell of it hit me hard the moment it was free to the air. I could almost taste its toxic flavour on my tongue.
It was much worse than poison.
"You remember the fog the mountain men used against us?" I began slowly deciding the best way to explain this without terrifying her.
Clarke nodded at me, eyes touching painfully in remembrance to her experience with it.
"The fog is smoke" I explained holding her gaze now. It was important she heard all of this, "It is produced by burning a Manichee tree. You've felt the effects of this fog" She again nodded at me, "The tree sweats a sap. This in its basic form is a refined version of that toxic cloud. In short, it is what your people would call acid"
Clarke stared at me as she joined the dots up. She looked close to horrified. Perhaps she believed my people barbaric again for having done this to eko. For doing it to her. Certainly she was thinking in concern to the ice warrior because her gaze drifted over her shoulder towards Roan standing tense behind her. I peered over at the king too and found his eyes locking regretfully on hers. As if he was telling her he had tried to warn her of this.
We all did, I thought heavily while I pulled my attention back to Clarke. I had to look away again quickly seeing her eyes flashing. There was too much distraction in seeing her think it over.
I turned to the fire instead for the knife and saw it ready to use. I let out a deep breath as I collected it from the flames. I let the heat of the metal seeping through the wood in my grip burn a moment before I dipped it into the jar. A low sizzling sounded and bubbles fizzed in the surface of the yellow liquid as the hot knife reacted against it. I watched the two war angrily with each other before I returned to my explanation.
"I will coat the blade in the sap" I informed her, slowly stirring the knife, "When I cut you it will enter your body. Once it blends with you it will hurt. Greatly"
"Like burning?" she asked meekly, watching me coat the knife.
I glanced back at her. I caught her wince at the sap sizzling on the blade and I knew she was thinking about what to expect from this.
Maybe now she will take her punishment seriously, I thought watching her carefully.
Maybe now she will think she has had enough, my heart bumped hopefully.
But I could see behind her fearing eyes that Clarke was determined still to earn her forgiveness this way. She would not stop. No matter the pain. I held a deep amount of respect to her for it. It was admirable the same time it was stupid.
I nodded in answer to her and held the knife up. I stared at the yellow liquid running down the blade towards my hand. A drop fell away to land on my wrist. The sap burned hot on my skin, intensifying painfully the longer I let it peel away at my flesh. I tried to imagine how it would feel from the inside.
"Like your blood itself were on fire" I told her huskily as I wiped it from my wrist. I ignored the angry welt it had left me and pulled my eyes away to her.
Clarke swallowed but nodded at me. She looked to the blade another time and then held her arm out to me to begin. It shocked me her bravery in the face of this torture. Especially when she looked so weak.
Clarke is not weak!, my heart growled at me.
Thats the problem, I sighed back at it. A weaker person would have backed out by now. But not clarke. Never Clarke.
I nodded at the sky princess and rose to stand beside her. My eyes locked on clarke's a moment longer before I turned to face my warriors. I recognised every one of them. All were a member from each of the clans, with Monroh standing in as Skaikru's witness. Cain had hand picked them himself at my order, knowing that they were trusting enough to recount this night in full truth to their people. He and Roan were standing for their own clans, with Niylah and Jes stood to the side of them ready to be healers. The four of them watched me silently beside the others, their expressions looked grim in the fire's light.
All fifteen of the warriors stood taller under my gaze. Some watched the two of us solemn and tense, as if it were I and not clarke about to be cut with the knife. I looked down at her with a few of their mourning expressions and realised suddenly the love they must hold for wanheda. It gave me mixed feelings to know so many of them respected her and accepted her. As if she were one of us. Part of me saw it as a threat. But most of me warmed to know they gave her a place among us. As I tried to.
"Your people are waiting" she whispered to me when I continued to watch her thoughtfully. She was prompting me on purpose, encouraging me to begin before my people believed me to be deciding away from this handing of justice.
I blinked away from my thoughts and gave her a curious look for her choice of words. She continued to separate herself from us. She should know better by now.
You are my people, I thought to her while I lifted my head up and turned back to speak to the others,
"Warriors!" I began thickly, "Tonight you few are all called forward to stand as ambassadors to your clans. To witness the commander's justice"
Twelve of them knelt and bowed to me then, as ambassadors should to the commander. Monroh quickly stumbled down too after a lost look to her warrior for guidance. I ordered them to stand after and continued.
"As warriors we are bound by blood and oath to honour the alliances we make with others. To break this is to break our right to call ourselves warriors"
Some of the clan representatives nodded then, completely in agreement with their heda.
I continued, heart crashing heavier in my chest.
"Wanheda betrayed those loyal to her. Those who helped her people, and our people, survive the mountain. She slew them with their children. Innocents each of them were. And yet they were killed beside their kin who bled us for so long. Who wanted to carry on bleeding us"
My voice had risen angrily with my speech, snarling almost. Thinking of the mountain men still caused a fury in me. I forced myself to calm as I looked around at my people.
"Some here would say Wanheda has done no wrong..." I saw a few nod. Roan was one of them. I drew a deep breath and carried on, "However, justice has been called. To kill a loyal ally in cold blood is a callous act. One that must be atoned. So their spirits may find peace. Wanheda,"
I pulled my eyes back down to her and raised the knife,
"This deed will never go forgotten by us. Neither should it be forgotten by you" I paused to run my eyes over her face before I asked her, "Are you ready to earn your forgiveness?"
Clarke stared down at the knife in my hand and I could feel her shaking beside me. But still she nodded with her blue eyes set heavy on mine.
"I am"
I stilled the emotion flushing through me and reached a hand out with Clarke's answer. I gently gripped her shoulder and looked down at her to stand for me. She did but the effort made her shake. I prayed my warriors believed it was because she was cold. I wouldn't have them think she was weak. Not now.
Clarke stood tall opposite me. Her shaking lips were the only indicator to how much pain she was in. And when she saw my eyes lock on them she stilled them completely to hide her entire pain from me. Her control over it filled me with both pride and guilt.
Clarke lifted her chin. Her eyes were set deeply on mine while she waited for me to continue. The knife grew heavier in my palm. My mouth ran dry. A beg for her to stop this was clawing painfully up my throat but one look at her eyes again had me swallowing it straight down.
"May this free you of your pain, Clarke" I whispered to her and shifted my grip on her shoulder so that it locked her from moving away from me. I avoided her eyes as I did. I couldn't bear to see them on me now.
My fingers wrapped over her warm skin, accidentally brushing an inch over a high lash wound on her back. She gasped sharply for it, making me look back to her. I questioned then her ability to see this through. She lifted her chin and stared straight to show her readiness. Her eyes were burning again with that determined fire but she could not hide the way I felt her body quake beneath my hand. She would not stand for long. I would need to be quick.
I ran my eyes over her and decided quickly which places to cut. Unlike with Eko I did want this to be precise. If I was to scar her then it would not be ugly. Clarke felt pain enough over her shame and guilt. I would not let her beautiful body become an ugly reminder of it too.
My hand held her left shoulder tight while my other drew the knife closer to her right one. Behind us I could hear my warriors holding their breaths. Beneath my touch Clarke held hers. I tried to stop myself doing the same.
I held her eyes and kept my face blank as I let the knife slide into the skin on her shoulder. Slowly I pushed it deeper and drew down in a straight line over her collarbone toward her chest. She flinched in my grip and I felt her breath on my face when she gasped sharply out. I had been expecting her resilient silence though. It made me proud to see her refuse to cry out in front of my warriors.
I quickened my hand to save drawing out her pain and moved the knife out of her and waited. Clarke's watering eyes watched me back. She seemed confused for the lack of more pain. Her blue eyes swam at me in question a moment, as if she was thinking I had lied about the sap on the blade. I looked down to the wound myself. The blood ran fast but I could see the sap clinging to the torn flesh. It would be in her blood. It should be hurting her.
Any moment now.. I thought wincing in wait.
Clarke sent me a quizzical frown, "Are you sure-"
She stopped her question and suddenly her eyes widened. I tensed myself knowing what was happening. Her eyes left me quickly as she bowed her head to hide her pain from me. But I could feel it still shaking in deep trembles through her skin under my palm. I could feel it in her heartbeat jumping erratically against my left hand. And in my own thundering in my chest.
I quickly drew another breath and pushed the knife back to her shoulder, moving it a little over from the first cut and closer to her neck, to create another cut similar to the first but shorter in length. Clarke's skin flinched around the blade as the careful incision dealt her more pain. Blood ran down her chest in sticky red trails with my work. I looked away at its fast spill. I could not stand to see it.
I heard her hold a sudden scream into a muffled whimper while she fought the need to double over from the pain. Her skin continued to shake with the effort. Her legs too. I looked down to ask whether I should continue. She nodded and forced herself to stand straight again. My heart pined for her bravery.
Be strong, it whimpered to me to carry on.
Another cut tore open the flesh at the middle of clarke's arm, ringing across her bicep. Another followed beneath it. Her knees buckled seconds after and her hand came up to tightly hold onto my arm so she could catch herself.
Jes took a step forward towards us then. I could see in her eyes that her heart were set entirely on her reaching clarke. I shot her a commanding look over clarke's shoulder to tell her to stand down. I turned my concern back to clarke while niylah and cain pulled the warrior back into line.
The sky girl was whimpering quietly. Her weight was falling more and more onto me for support. My grip tightened on her with her low moaning and I let my thumb run up and down her collarbone in comfort while I looked down to make another cut.
The blade entered her flesh again, "L-lexa!" Clarke gasped and breathed harshly through her gritted her teeth.
Her hand held my arm painfully tight while I switched sides to replicate the cuts onto the right half of her body. Ignoring the sting of her nails puncturing my skin through my shirt I paused with the knife poised over the skin on her shoulder. I looked down at her. I didn't speak but she knew what I was telling her. She could still stop this now. This could be enough.
Her eyes glared angrily back at me.
"Keep...going!" she panted at me in a weak growl.
I looked down at her order to the blood on the knife and the smeared trails falling down her body. At her feet the snow was turning red again. I had to force myself to do as she said. Reminding myself that soon it would be over.
I gave her another cut and she trembled badly afterwards, body jerking my hand away from holding her up. I caught her elbow before she could fall and held her up, using her position against me to hold her arm steady for the next cut.
Clarke's other hand came to rest on the back of my hip with the blade's new slide across her skin. I felt her fingers gripping my shirt, twisting it in her fingers so that it rode up and pinched my skin. I shivered with the cold attacking my exposed back while she choked down another scream. It came out in half as a quiet shriek. Cracked in pain and caked exhaustion. I worried for it. She was surely losing control now.
I forced my eyes down with the sound and stared at her in secret fear for what I saw. Her eyes were squeezed shut. Her lip was bleeding from her biting down on it. Her face was covered in sweat with her effort to remain silent. I wished she would just cry out if it would help.
Clarke, my heart and mind pined at her agony. They begged me to stop. But I could not.
The sixth and seventh cuts had Clarke sagging against me. Her head dropped to rest on my shoulder while she convulsed into me with her next one. I felt a warmth spread along my collar and wrist as she pushed against me. A teasing warmth that dripped down over my chest and fingers in tickling sticky trails. I had to force myself to not look down at it. I knew what I would find if I did. I was scared to see it.
"Be strong" I whispered desperately against her ear over the talking of a few of the warriors watching. I held her tight and moved my footing to better brace her against me to keep her up, "Be strong, clarke"
Clarke flinched from my words and shook against me, making me shake too. Watching and feeling her like it made me regret not having her tied against the post. I had been too blinded in my concern for her back to realise just how much more dangerous it would be this way. I should have expected her strength to wane. I had been foolish to think she would take it as she had her lashes.
I whispered for her to stand up and when she couldn't I looked up to Jes and Niylah watching on with pale faces. Both were staring at clarke. Both were begging to be allowed to come help me. But I looked away to the two men standing beside them. I nodded at them instead.
Roan and Cain strode quickly over to us, both of them taking hold of Clarke's arms to keep her up. She did cry out then. Their hands pushed over her torn skin, pulling it wider and causing her to bleed heavier. I shot them both a glare for their carelessness and the looks I received back told me they could not help it. This had to look brutal. Wanheda's weakness was my strength after all.
I stepped back when they dragged her off me and moved forward again to wrap a hand around the back of her neck to make her look at me. Her tired eyes looked back unseeing as if in trance. They moved quickly about, seeing something that panicked her. I felt like whimpering myself. The sap was finally working its fire on her mind.
I ran my eyes over the rest of her face, checking how far gone she was. Her skin was turning snow white. Her lips were pursed thin to keep her agony in. A sweat was dripping down her temple and sticking beneath my palm on her neck, much heavier than before. She felt incredibly hot to me. Her skin resembled a candle flame right now. And it concerned me. I worried she was beginning a fever.
You must keep going, the whispers came harsh and cold. The commander in me wanted to see me finish this. I felt my hand shake on the knife in response. I didn't want to carry this on. I didn't want to continue hurting clarke.
But a commander doesn't act on what they want.
I must, I agreed using the commander as a shield against the girl in me screaming for me to stop already.
Be quick, my heart begged as it held Leska's agony for clarke's torture at bay.
I looked down to the bleeding wounds on clarke's body and closed my eyes to breathe sharply to myself before I forced myself to carry on cutting her.
Clarke struggled to stay still and silent for most of it. The two men holding her had to keep tightening their grip to stop her falling into the knife as I continued to color her torso with it. The cuts ran in threes up her arm in red rings, deep and bleeding heavily. Two pairs each sat over her collarbone by her shoulders. Their bleeding smothered her chest and stomach. Refusing to stop. I had blood on both my hands. My fingers and sleeve were soaked in it. As was Roan's coat when Clarke fell against him.
I looked back to her face with the last careful cut on her arm and decided where to place the last one. I remembered the brands and where I had planned to have them placed. The last cut would sit in honour with them. But for that I would need her back.
I peeled my eyes from the blood running down her skin when I realised clarke was silent. Deadly silent. And still.
Leska broke through in the seconds of panic I felt pulse in my aching heartbeat. She feared clarke's silence warned her fight was ending already.
I immediately turned my head back to look down at the sky girl. Her eyes were shut but her mouth was moving in silent speech to someone. Relief met entrancement when I saw she was still alive. My eyes followed Clarke's moving mouth confused for a moment.
The hallucinations, I realised staring transfixed by it.
I'd never seen anyone take on the fire dreams without being vocal before. As far as I knew nobody ever had. To see clarke so silent under the incredible pain coursing through her blood was something short of a miracle.
I looked to Niylah for a healer's explanation but the trader looked just as stunned as the rest of us. The other warriors began to walk towards us, cautiously coming closer for a better look. In their eyes I saw the same awed glow that I had received killing Nia. Their marvelling of her made my skin twitch
At my nod cain tipped clarke's face back to him, gently tapping her cheek to bring her round. The king pulled my warrior's hand down with a strong look at him to stop.
"Don't" Roan warned him seriously, "You can't interrupt it"
I ignored Jes' blatant begging stare over roan's shoulder for my intervention and continued to watch Clarke's lips form words and names. My curiosity for it was overwhelming. I wondered what she was seeing. If it was a memory being twisted behind her eyes or another of her nightmares. I hoped it wasn't the latter, though a part of me still wished to know exactly what she saw when she had those bad dreams.
The ice king looked back to me with eyes screaming at me to carry on already. I met his glare and pulled his grip off clarke so I could get at her arm. I gently twisted her around and handed her into cain's hold. I stopped the moment I caught sight of her back in the firelight.
Blood clung to every inch of her skin. No longer could I see the creamy pale that had slowly bronzed during her time on the ground. Only red. My eyes traced the zig-zags in painful repetitive circles, following the cuts sickeningly along the length of her spine as they slashed and dived into each other. I couldn't believe they were real. I couldn't believe it had been my hand that had caused this pain.
What have I done?
"Heda"
I tore my eyes away from clarke's back to cain's serious expression. He whispered a reminder of one last cut. I looked down to the knife in my hand. To the blood staining my skin the same shade as clarke's back. My heart screamed out in pain. It begged me to stop. It could not handle any more of this maiming clarke. She had had enough.
Stop!, it pleaded with me, pounding desperately inside my chest.
I looked around at the warriors watching me curiously. I raised the knife over the manic tempo drumming inside me. I had no choice.
This time my head had to lead.
I studied clarke's shoulder and set the knife diagonally from her neck. There was only a small amount of space left before the lash that had cut through the length of her back interrupted. I had decided the brands would sit on the back of her right shoulder. As a mark for who she was. Like a warrior's clan brand. And this cut would brace underneath, holding them up. As a mark for how she had earned her title of wanheda.
Clarke shivered and loudly shouted out as I made the cut. I looked up briefly from my work when I heard her gasp my name beforeI forced myself to carry on. I pulled the knife into a curve and finished it quickly and motioned for cain to turn her. I stared into her eyes watching me unseeing and saw her talking back to someone, lips whispering over my name again and again. Like a prayer that might save her.
"Heda, the irons are ready" Cain told me pointedly when my hand rose to touch her cheek. I drew it down quickly.
I ignored him. My attention was set solely on the sky girl and her whispering.
She was saying more now. All were things I remember her having said to me at one time or another. I listened intently, refusing to lose even a single word. Some had been said to me before the mountain. Some after her return to Polis. In the glade. In my throne room. In tonDc. Before my fight. During our training.
I knew then that she was watching all her memories with me play out before her eyes. I was curious to know why. Why was I the one her hallucinations fixed on?
Because she cares for you, my heart bumped in weak triumph.
My mind cast it down. Fire dreams were not induced from those you cared for. They were made by those who tormented you.
As I torment her, I thought ashamed.
Cain called for my attention again and repeated himself when I gave it. I nodded to him and he left Clarke in roan's hold to retrieve the branding irons for me. The king met my eyes with a strong look when clarke fell into his side.
"She wont take it" roan told me truthfully.
He looked down in concern at Clarke sagging against him. At the blood filling the snow at their feet. Her face was so pale. As white as the snow falling around us. I knew he was right. Just the way Niylah was watching me told me as much.
I looked around to the clan warriors watching us. They were all stood waiting to see the final part of Wanheda's punishment. I knew if I failed this they would tell their leaders how weak their heda was serving justice to a traitor. It would encourage more traitors. It would encourage revolts.
And I could not let that happen.
Cain strode back to me with the irons in his hands. I felt the air next to me warm as he held the first one out for me to take. I did and felt all the warrior's eyes lock completely on me. The hot metal felt heavy through the cloth wrapped around it in my grip as I looked from the snow melting directly against its white end to the place on clarke's back where I intended to press it.
I felt my skin coil up. Already I could smell burning flesh. Already I could hear the scream she would give. Already I could see her stares for it in the days, months and years to come. She would hold these marks forever. And I didn't want that.
I closed my eyes and summoned the courage to do this.
Love is weakness, I repeated to myself over and over, forcing myself to believe it. My grip tightened on the iron but my mind was not with me this time.
Not this love, it told me fiercely.
"Heda?"
Cain's voice broke through the war waging inside my mind and I looked back to his strong look.
"They wait" he told me nodding to the other warriors. I looked too and saw their patience waning.
Still I hesitated.
My eyes were running over clarke. I could see she was at her limit. Any more and it could kill her. My eyes turned from clarke's husked panting to meet with roan's. He subtly shook his head at me.
I stood back in agreement with the king.
I would not do this.
Cain growled, "Heda, they will think you are weak!" He argued when I held him the iron back.
"Let them" I beckoned niylah over and then lifted my chin to the warriors staring at me surprised for my leniency, "I am still heda"
This will be seen as weakness, my mind warned despite its want to keep clarke from more harm. The commander's spirit growled in agreement. But my spirit, leska's spirit, the one I had before I was accepted by the commanders, the one that i thought had died with Costia but now breathed for clarke, that spirit disagreed.
To be lenient on this shows my mercy as a leader, I reasoned to the commanders inside me, and my compassion. Not weakness.
"Its done" my voice was cold in command to the warriors watching me.
Cain refused to take the iron on their confused looks back at me, and when I turned to confront him I heard a softer voice call my name. I looked down to Clarke's eyes shining up at us. They looked in beg at me. But I refused to give her this. I refused to see her in more pain.
Clarke looked down with my answer and I turned back to Cain. Roan shouted suddenly behind me and the others gasped. I turned to see Clarke's body surge forward away from the king, using speed and strength she should not possess right now. Roan's grip on her slipped as she fell to her knees by my feet. She gasped a deep breath and reached up. I realised a second too late what she was doing.
"Clarke!" I cried over her pained shout as she gripped hold of the hot iron and yanked it and me forward.
I stumbled a step toward her and felt a pressure jarring my arm. I turned my head at her harsh breaths and stared in complete shock at her as she twisted herself to the hot iron she was drawing fast towards her skin.
She screamed out at the metal burning a circle above the cuts on her right arm. Her eyes rolled back. The iron shook in my grip. I immediately pulled it back from her and threw it to the snow where it hissed angrily.
Clarke's scream cut off into sobbing moans as she doubled over panting heavily. There were tears rushing down her face. Her back trembled and spasmed. Her breaths shook silver into the frosty air as she choked on more cries of pain and collapsed onto her side in the snow beside the abandoned iron.
I just stared at her. My mind was ablaze with my confusion for it all.
How could she have done that?!
My warriors were talking behind her. I heard their secret whispers for Wanheda's bravery. And their voiced outrage for her cheating her punishment. They believed it didn't count. Just as they believed cain's disobedience would go unpunished.
"Silence yourselves!" Roan barked in command at them whilst he knelt beside clarke. He pressed a hand to her twitching shoulder and turned his head back to address them directly, "Its done"
"Two brands were promised!" One piped up. I looked forward and recognised the man as Ivon of Delfikru. He walked forward under my stare and slammed his spear down, "At the hands of Heda"
His dark eyes made their way to me and he glowered in wait. The other warriors nodded behind him. Monroh alone stood against their vote. She held a pale face and was staring in shock still for her friend's actions. As was I.
"Unless the commander's justice is withheld from her friends"
I overcame my surprise enough to glare at Ivon and the others. Their heavy eyes told me what I feared. They all thought I would refuse this. Automatically I raised my hand for the other branding iron and my eyes turned towards clarke again. My glare worsened when she peered weakly back at me, telling me to do it.
I realised then I had no option.
I held my hand out to cain and accepted the second iron of him. He stood back once I released him of it and waited. I felt my fingers tighten on the branding iron at his show of obedience. Now he was loyal. Now he listened. It sent a storm through me.
I lifted the iron and in one swift motion I had struck cain around the head with it. He fell to his side in the snow clutching at his face screaming for the burned and bleeding skin on his temple. In my hand the iron sizzled and smoked with his blood cooking on it.
"Hold him" I snarled out angrily.
Two warriors leapt forward at my command and grabbed my bodyguard. Cain was still crying out as they hauled him to his knees and dragged him toward me. He looked up at me, eyes pleading mercy. My eyes cast over the blood running down his cheek before I turned away from him. He would suffer more later.
I looked back down at Clarke shivering in the snow at my feet. She looked pitiful. Not one ounce of a legendary god lived inside her now. She looked pathetic and weak at my feet. Like a traitor should.
Which is why she did what she did, my heart pushed trying to make me see reason around my fury for clarke.
I ignored it and let the commander take her justice. I would not be denied this. For making the commander look weak, the commander would make wanheda suffer.
"Turn her" I commanded sharply.
Roan looked back at me from clarke's side and I knew he would refuse to obey me. I looked back to Ivon and turned my eyes purposefully to clarke. The warrior bowed to me and pushed his spear at Monroh to hold. He came over to shove roan aside so he could grab Clarke.
She screamed out when he dragged her carelessly back to her knees. Her cries echoed even louder when he twisted her around and pulled her hands together in his to lock her in place. I closed my eyes to force myself to block out clarke's cries for Ivon's cruel treatment of her.
She asked for this, I told myself hatefully as I finally drew my eyes back to her.
Clarke was panting, hair sweeping over her face as she sagged forward into Ivon's grip. I strode closer with the new iron in my hand and nodded for him to twist her so her arm was to me. When it became visible to me I felt a shiver blow up my own spine.
Her skin had turned bright red. Blood poured from the cuts I'd made down her arm, stopping in places where the brand had seared them shut. The skin there was raised and swelling with the brand burned deep into it. The circle design stood stark and angry against her skin. Looking incredibly painful. I hated to see it.
Ivon yanked Clarke's head back at my nod and she shouted out angrily. I pulled her hair away from her shoulder before meeting her eyes. In them I could see again her struggle to see reality. The fire in her blood was making her see more visions. Warping her sense of what was real and what was not. It made this even the more crueler in my mind.
Be strong, I whispered to us both as I gripped the iron tighter. Clarke's eyes rolled into focus on me and for a few seconds she was entirely herself again. And of course she used those few seconds not to beg for me to stop. But to demand I continue.
She nodded to me, "Do it!" she growled in a shout when I failed to move.
I breathed deeply with my anger for her command and set the searing metal to her skin on her arm, overlapping it against the first.
Clarke screamed. It was a deafening and bloodcurdling sound that had me flinching away the second she made it. I pulled the iron away after only seconds against her arm and held it tight in my hand as I watched her continued cries. The sound and smell of her flesh sizzling had me wanting to gag in revulsion. Instead I forced myself to ignore the knotting in my stomach and swallow the bile that was coating my throat. Instead I made myself look down at her stonily, hiding every inch of myself beneath the commander while she observed her laws and her justice being kept. In my heart leska's screams blended with clarkes.
My eyes ran over clarke's arm with her continued pained howls. The new brand was bloody on her skin. The open cuts underneath it made it stand out. Its three points cut through the first brand circle at the corners and curved in smooth edges to form the looped triangle of skaikru. On its own it would refer to her as their ambassador. In its circle over the cuts it meant something different entirely.
The mark of wanheda, I thought bitterly as I stared at its bloody home on clarke's skin.
My fingers tapped the tabletop, slow and deliberate, while I stared at the blood coating her arms and shirt. There was too much. I knew that. It sent a shiver of fear down my back.
Niylah kept her eyes away from me. Instead she left them to stare at the floor of her post. Out of reverence or fear, I couldn't tell.
"Well?" I demanded.
Niylah swallowed and I saw her eyes rush about the floor, "She lives"
I felt my breath leave me. I had been so worried clarke had died. Her screams had echoed for hours across the post and had only stopped in the last minutes. I had feared for her spirit. So much so that I had abandoned a council with my leading warriors and the king to meet with the trader the moment the screaming ended.
I nodded for Niylah to continue her report.
"Her cuts have been treated," she told me impassively, "With the right herbs I might even be able stop them from scarring. The burns have been trickier but I believe keeping them under constant snow presses for the next few days should settle them. Her back-"
I stopped her, "What of her mind?" I asked voicing my biggest concern, "Has she spoken?"
Niylah raised her head at me and gave me a careful look. She shook it and I felt my heart sink.
"She sleeps. I think she will continue to for a while yet"
I nodded at Niylah and told her to inform me the moment Clarke woke up. The trader bowed and I let her leave. My head turned with her fast walk past my table to the rooms out back. She was eager to return to Clarke. It worried me that maybe she had lied about Clarke's condition. It made me want to follow her. To make certain for myself. But I could not. I couldn't see what I had done to the princess.
She will hate me for this, I moped in hate to myself, There is no way she will forgive me for this.
She might, my heart thrummed in hope. My mind dully accepted the comfort but continued to sink into further thoughts of Clarke's waiting rage. I could not believe she would accept what I had done to her. Even if she had asked and begged for it. Once she woke and saw herself she would hate me eternally. And I would deserve it.
Don't punish yourself, the strong voice of the first commander pushed once I closed my eyes. I ignored her and opened them again to the cold silence of the post. I felt her calling my name still in the depths of my mind, asking me to return to her. But I would not.
Clarke's punishment had ended. Until I had her forgiveness my own would continue.
The door opened on my hazed stare at the candle in front of me and I warily glanced up. I nodded to roan and allowed him to take a seat opposite me.
"I have handled the warriors" he informed with an annoyed look for me, "The next time you feel like fleeing from your own council please remember to warn me first. They did not take kindly to a king standing in heda's place"
I nodded, reluctantly grateful for his help, "But I'm sure the king enjoyed it" I mumbled staring down at the candle flame. In the corner of my eye I caught him shaking his head in disagreement to my low remark.
"I am not interested in being commander or king" he told me gruffly, "Clarke understands that"
I winced a little at her name. It caused me great pain to hear it spoken when I was trying my hardest not to think about her. Roan's eyes moved over my face a moment before he leant forward to speak.
"Heda, I have only come to ask permission to lead my people home. We have waited long enough. The snow is only thickening along the pass. If we don't leave now then-"
I stopped him with a raise of my hand and fixed him a calculating look. I didn't trust his impatience to leave. And I couldn't be sure where his army was right now. It would be easy to let him return to Azgeda. But until I knew where his army was he was going nowhere.
"You return to your home when I command" I told him harshly, every word and syllable dripping in commander authority.
Roan looked angry for my reply but nodded in defeat to it. I asked him then how Cain was. After Clarke had been carried away for healing I had turned in a rage to my guard and had offered his punishment up to roan as a sign of faith between us. The king had only been too happy to oblige me.
Roan looked down to the fresh bruises covering his knuckles before he reported Cain was alive. I hid the slight swell of relief in me for it. Cain had to be punished, but that didn't mean I had enjoyed it. Knowing he lived stopped the regretful itch in the back of my mind over it.
"Though he is currently licking his wounds like a beaten pup" Roan smirked at me. Clearly he had enjoyed himself beating my bodyguard. I stared vacantly back at the candle flame in answer. I didn't care for his amusements.
"What news of Wanheda?" He asked me with a nod out back.
"She's alive" I told him and gave him a cold look, "What of your cousin? I hear you managed to sneak a healer into your camp"
Roan's dark eyes locked my own and I could tell he didn't appreciate being spied on, "Maybe if you'd had let your trader girl treat Eko, I wouldn't have had to send a rider home for one"
I felt myself bristle at his retort.
"I am not obligated to help traitors" I threw back at him in a barely contained snarl. Roan shook his head at me and a disappointed pity took up home in his dark eyes.
"You would not even help your friends. Instead you continue to betray them. What kind of commander does that make you?"
My patience snapped then and I slammed my fist into the table and stood to tower over him. Roan leant back in his seat with a casual look for me. As if being threatened by his heda made him comfortable. It had me glaring at him.
"Eko stopped being my friend the day she betrayed me and killed Clarke's people. The same day she helped your mother conspire to have Skaikru kill us all. The day she chose her queen over her so called friends!" I snarled at him.
Roan's eyes grew colder up at me, "Eko was just protecting those she loves. Maybe if you had done the same-"
"Don't you dare!" I growled loudly at him in warning. I knew already what he intended to say. And I would not hold myself responsible for my actions should he speak it.
If he mentioned costia he would die.
Roan ignored me.
"If you had done the same, Clarke would not be as she is now" He finished with a pitying look to the way his truth broke straight through my anger. He utterly shattered my rage and all by saying the last thing I had expected.
I struggled to respond. I knew I needed to if I were to stop these wild theories of my love for Clarke. But I couldn't. I couldn't think past the truth enough to cast it aside. Because roan was right. I had admitted as much to her before.
I didn't mean to turn her into anything, I whimpered to myself remembering that moment of pain after clarke had nearly killed me.
And yet I had anyway. Just as I had continued to do again today.
If Clarke still believed herself to be a monster, it was by my hand.
Roan was silent. His eyes locked with mine in a long glare. For a moment I was torn between defending myself against his accusations and simply ignoring them altogether to wallow more in my own pity. It was tempting too to take his sword from him and slam it into his throat.
Footsteps behind us had me turning around. Niylah glanced between the two of us before her eyes cut questioningly back to me. It said she would rid me of the ice king herself if I wanted him gone. I sent her a look back to say I didn't need her help and she bowed her head submissively.
"Clarke is awake" she told me gently. My heart started pounding in response, "I fear your... talking.. woke her" Niylah glared at the king then before she met my gaze again, "She asks for you, heda"
I withdrew back beneath the commander's calm and looked away from her. My eyes returned to roan's concerned ones on the trader. I was bristling again. As if his concern for clarke were somehow a threat to me.
"King Roan," I met his dark eyes and gave him a strong look, "I have a task for you"
"Just as long as it doesn't involve me hunting for more of your treasures hidden here" he grumbled rising to his feet. Behind me I heard Niylah shift a little. Perhaps because she too knew what he spoke of.
I cast him a silent reply for his disrespect and set him with messages to send to Titus and Arkadia. Then I told him to regather the clansmen.
"Heda?" he questioned confused and reluctant.
"You wish to return home? Then we must publicly discuss our alliance with the other clans first"
Roan looked surprised but nodded. He bowed in submission and left quickly to see to it. I breathed steadier in the silence that followed. The edge in me that came whenever roan was about subsided, allowing me to think openly once more.
"Heda?"
Niylah sounded nervous as she asked me again if I would see clarke. Her voice enveloped my residing anger suddenly and pushed it higher inside me. Causing my thoughts to blend back to our talk this morning. And slowly my fury for her rebuilt.
Calm, my heart pushed gently when the anger built too high. It had me wanting to take up my knife again. It made me want to return to my questioning of the trader. It screamed inside me to be released in some way.
I failed to keep a blank face as I turned my eyes back to her. Niylah moved her gaze immediately to the ground, refusing to meet my eye because she knew what might happen if she did. Her submission to me settled the rage, but only a little. I was still so very furious with her.
I let out a steadying breath to collect myself and finally nodded in answer to her. I was not ready for this but I couldn't not be. I could not avoid Clarke forever.
I strode to niylah's side and met her eyes, "Take me to her"
Niylah bowed and turned on the spot to walk to the back of the post. I felt myself shaking as I moved to follow.
The trader lead me through the area where she prepared animals to a curtain guarding a scarcely lit room. She stopped outside it with a look for me to go inside. I nodded and watched her walk away before I entered the room alone.
It was small and crowded in candles and pelts. My eyes ran off the boxes of bottles and clothing to the small bed tucked against the wall in the middle of the room. There was blood on the floor leading to it, and boot prints stuck cleanly through it. I drew a deep breath as I neared it and readied myself to finally look at her.
But nothing could prepare me well enough for it.
Clarke was on the bed, laying still on her front beneath the furs that covered her legs and reached as high as her waist. She looked asleep. I stayed by the door to save waking her and just stared in shock to what I saw.
Her cheeks were red, flushed through the still raw bruises from her previous training with Roan. Dark circles line the ring of her eyes. She looked so tired, even though she were sleeping. Her hair was damp and thrown over one shoulder to save the golden tendrils from sticking to her neck. Wherever I looked on her skin I saw a bright sheen of sweat. It covered her as if it were bathing her. It made me worry for her body. Surely she was feverish to sweat that much?
I moved my eyes from her hair and followed it down over one shoulder. Her back was bare. The lashes slashed through it were open and angry still. The skin around them was red and looked sore. Cloths had been pressed to the deeper cuts in the middle of her back to stem the bleeding but I could make out the red lines dripping with fresh color down her spine. I let my gaze follow their criss-crossing patterns over her back. My hand tingled painfully in remembrance to making these marks on her skin.
Again I moved my eyes away and had to swallow the whimper I felt building in my chest when my attention fixed on the blood soaked strips of cloth that had been tied above and below the muscle on her left arm. My eyes began to follow deep irritated looking cuts up but I forced them off. I had to look away before I allowed myself to see more. I wouldn't stomach the sight of the brands.
After what felt like an age stood there staring I commanded my feet to move and silently walked over to her side to crouch on the floor at her head. My eyes ran all over her. In pain. In guilt. I felt so much shame. I felt as if my very spirit was breaking gazing upon her.
"Clarke" I whispered bowing my head to the hurt in my chest. I felt a tear slipping down my cheek as I raised a shaking hand to stroke her hair away from her face.
She stirred in her sleep at my touch and I quickly retracted my hand to wipe the tear away. Clarke slowly opened her eyes to me. They took me in in confusion for a second before a smile lit up the half of her face visible to me. It sent a bolt of heat through the ice cold in my chest but I refused to allow her smile to brighten me like it normally would. Not now. Not when I deserved nothing from her.
"Hey" she croaked tiredly.
I winced and looked away. My eyes crept over her back again and then down to the stained cloth tied around her arm. I swallowed imagining what the burns must look like beneath. Clarke watched me quietly. Her eyes dropping threatened her sleep again.
"Yes" she said when I still failed to speak.
I looked down to her smile again and shot her a questioning look. For a moment I believed her to be speaking to her hallucinations still.
She lifted her head to face me fully. Her eyes shone at me lightly,
"It does hurt" she answered breathing a light laugh that fell quickly into her flinching into the bed, "A lot, actually"
"Clarke" I breathed and shook my head. I no longer had words for her.
Clarke twisted her hand on the furs and opened her palm to me, asking gently for mine. I gave it immediately. She squeezed her fingers over mine and brushed her thumb against my wrist. It hurt how soothing it was to me. I should be the one comforting her.
"Its okay" she whispered tiredly. But I knew better. It wasn't okay.
Clarke pulled my hand closer to rest beneath her cheek and slowly dropped her head down against my arm. My breath caught in my throat while she closed her eyes and rested against me. I didn't understand why she would allow me to touch her. How could she possibly bear to even look at me? Why was she not angry at me?
"You're thinking too loud" she mumbled up to me.
I tipped my head at her. She simply smiled again, eyes still closed.
"You are not angry" I stated finally in confusion. Clarke's smile widened and peeled a little over her teeth.
"No" she whispered. Her voice had an under-layer of amusement inside it but I couldn't think why.
"Why?" I asked demanding an answer.
She opened an eye and studied my face a moment before she let out a deep breath. Clarke's fingers tightened on mine beneath her head and she cast me a weary look before she explained herself. I sat straighter, ready for her hate.
"You didn't stop" she whispered to me and squeezed my hand again, "That's why I'm not angry"
I frowned down at her. I still didn't understand. Clarke sighed,
"I got what I deserved today. Its still not enough to forgive what I did but it was enough for me to forgive myself a little..." she peered back at me carefully then before she whispered, "And you"
I stared back at her. She forgave me?
Clarke smiled at my lack of immediate response and nudged her head down into my palm. She closed her eyes then and I watched a peace settle over her while her body went limp. I was still staring at her. I didn't believe that scarring her had gained me her forgiveness. I didn't believe hurting her had resolved me of my betrayal on her. I just didn't. It didn't work that way.
Perhaps with Clarke it does, my heart whispered as it continued to race for Clarke's confession. I tried to believe it. But I couldn't.
I sank forward to my knees beside the bed and watched as Clarke slept. Her steady breaths gave me constant reassurance that she was okay. Her voice mumbling beneath them also gave me comfort. And her head resting along my arm, that gave me the most calm. I didn't believe she would touch me again after today. I had been prepared for her to tell me she was ready to go home to her people. And she might still tell me that. But for now Clarke still seemed to be Clarke. Just lighter in a way.
Maybe she did forgive herself today, I thought as I folded my other arm along the bed beside her and rested my chin down against it.
I studied her until the candles began to flicker in the corners of the room. I let my eyes move all over the soft features of her face in constant work to memorising every single detail. Then I let my head fall heavier against my arm. My exhaustion was preying on me the longer I sat there at her side without task. Four days without sleep were crashing into me. I could feel myself fall to it while Clarke tugged my hand closer beneath her. I smiled sleepily at her and brushed my thumb up beneath her head to stroke her temple.
Maybe you should forgive yourself too now, Becca's voice came to me swiftly once I allowed my tired aching eyes to finally close.
I let out a breath and followed her voice into my dreams.
I was stood in my throne room in Polis. I turned in circle to the empty room and walked to sit on my throne. When I looked up another was already sat in my place. My eyes shot in rage at the intruder but they fell instantly to the ground when I recognised her.
"Heda" I knelt bowing low to her. She laughed gently and told me to get up already.
"Call me Becca" She smiled and stood off the throne with a look around the room, "It didn't look like this when I was in command" She told me nostalgically.
I looked around too, confused. To my knowledge this room had remained as she had left it. It was an insult to the commander's spirit to make changes to the original commander's rule.
Becca tilted her head to my thoughts and beckoned me forward. When I move to stand in front of her she ran her eyes all over me. I felt myself stand taller under her scrutiny. As if not to would make me less of a person in her eyes.
"You know what I love most, Leska?" I shook my head at her. She smiled at me, "When humanity proves me right"
I frowned back at her, "I don't understand"
Becca shook her head to herself still smiling and paced around me.
"When I first...came here.. It was to help make the world better. To help humanity reach higher things. For decades I have had to watch commander after commander take my teachings and turn them into new reasons to project themselves as gods among their people" Becca sighed in distaste and then looked up at me with bright eyes, "But then you became commander. I know now I have been right all these years. There would be one star in the dark. One commander to save us. I just had to wait for her"
I felt myself become embarrassed with her appraisal. To know the first commander had been waiting for me was too much of an honour for me to accept so easily. It had me fumbling to reply to her. I bowed my head to her instead, hoping it would be a suitable answer. Becca accepted it with a happy smile.
"When you came here..." I repeated looking down at the ground thoughtful, "You mean when you founded Polis?"
Becca smiled at me like a mother to a child saying amusing things. She shook her head at me.
"I mean when I crashed Polaris"
I stared at her. I didn't know what she was speaking of. What was Polaris?
The first commander watched me with a sadder smile and waved her hand at my muddling it over in my mind. She turned back towards the throne and gestured for me to join her. I expected her to sit on it but instead she sat in front of it. After another wave forward I sat down beside her on the dais with questions still weighing on my mind. She glanced back at me with the loudest one and chuckled gently.
"You want to know why clarke is the key" She voiced for me.
I nodded. I had thought hard about our last conversation. But I still failed to understand Clarke's place in our goal for peace.
"You want your people to live in peace. As a commander that is always the end goal. Without clarke this cannot be achieved"
"Why not?" I asked turning to face her fully, "You mean to say our people have waited for the birth and fall of a sky princess?"
Becca eyed me shrewdly, "Our people have waited for someone smart enough to lead them. That is you. And that is Clarke"
I stared at her, "You mean for me to share my seat as commander?!" I growled at her. She laughed gently.
"Does this affect your plans?" she asked tilting her head with a smirk, "You said it yourself. Clarke elevates herself"
"Not to the throne of polis!" I retorted angrily.
Becca nodded but only to calm me. Not in agreement. I looked away from her. I was angry she'd assume me weak enough to hand my power to another. Even if they were clarke.
"Not to the throne" she agreed in a calm tone, "But maybe beside the throne.." I turned my head back to her and she locked my eyes seriously, "You were thinking of an offer for her. Make it. Give clarke the one thing that would protect her from everybody. Keep her by your side"
I shook my head at her, "I cannot give her that deal anymore"
I looked down at my hands with my heavy heart. I knew what was right to do now. What I should have done in the beginning. It just pained me deeply to see it done.
"Clarke will go home to her people" I told becca in a miserable voice I could not hide from her, "That is what she wants now"
Becca shook her head at me. Her brown eyes darkening in their pity for me.
She whispered softly to me, "You are so deep inside your guilt you cannot see"
"See what?" I snapped annoyed.
Becca didn't say. She stood up and looked down at me with those pitying eyes.
"I know you have had a hard time as Heda. I know of some of the hardships you have been through. Titus has tried to protect you by having you close yourself to what you feel. But to ignore your heart now is to be reckless"
She stared down at me and raised a hand to my cheek. She held my face in her palm with a strong look for me. In it I felt both scolded and protected,
"Prove me right, Leska"
She dropped her hand and turned. Becca began to walk away from me. I scrambled up and after her and made to follow. I had to apologise for my rudeness. I had to ask her about the prophecy. I needed her help.
Becca left the room ignorning my calls for her. I quickened my pace after her but was barred by the guards at the door. I told them to stand down but they refused me. Instead they pushed me back with force, knocking me away from following the first commander with heavy shoves that had me flying backwards.
I was thrown to land on my back on the floor just as a scream echoed through the room.
I startled awake at a hard pressure holding my hand down. I lifted my head up and saw clarke shaking on the bed in front of me, her hand clutching mine tight while she whimpered into the furs. My eyes drifted across her laying oddly on her side and I realised she had unknowingly tried to roll in her sleep. And I knew she could not stay in such a position with her back so hurt.
I raised myself over her and reached out to her. I forced my eyes to stay on her face as I gently manoeuvred her back onto her stomach. Though the desire to look filled me with a dark heat I could not so easily ignore.
Clarke cried out only once as my hands touched on her body to bring her back to her front. But she held no struggle with me. Instead she seemed content enough to lay as she had before. I let out a breath of relief when it was done and settled back beside her. She seemed at peace enough now. I would not tempt fate with waking her.
My eyes returned to their study of her face while I waited for her to wake again. Piece by piece a collage of her was being built inside my memory. I would look at it for days to come. When she left my side to be with her people and I was alone again. I would think of her and remember exactly the fine detail of her beautiful face.
It was as I began stroking a line up and down her cheek with the pad of my thumb that I realised I was being watched. My head flew to the left to the intruder standing behind me at the door. I barely managed to take my hand away from my knife when Niylah looked back at me.
"May I come in, Heda?" She asked.
I looked down to the bowl of water in her hands and realised she meant to wash Clarke's wounds. I tucked my anger for her aside and nodded to her in permission.
"Has she woke yet?" niylah asked looking over Clarke's back with skilled eyes. I shook my head and niylah nodded, "I thought as much. The pair of you seem exhausted"
I turned my eyes to glare at her when I understood her. She had watched the two of us.
"A healer and a spy. I didn't know traders were so multi-talented" I seethed under my breath. I settled my eyes back on Clarke to settle a calm in myself. I didn't want to come to blows with the trader over her here.
"I did not spy" Niylah told me in defence, "I came to check on wanheda and saw you asleep beside her. I did not want to disturb your peace so I left"
I tilted my head at her and was about to throw a retort back when Clarke's hand shifted in mine. I looked down to her as she let out another whimper and brought my hand to her face. My breath staggered feeling Clarke's lips brush the back of my hand but I refused to show any emotion for it. Not when Niylah was watching me so closely.
She settled again after, whimpering in her sleep every so often while niylah continued to clean the blood from Clarke's back. I was silent beside her.
"She sleeps better in your presence" The trader commented softly after a moment of studying the girl's back.
I glanced back to her and then away again. Secretly my heart hummed to know. Niylah smiled a little to herself at whatever she saw glowing in my eyes as I looked down at the girl.
"Will she wake today?" I asked shifting my eyes painfully away from Clarke. I needed to know she would be completely alright. I needed to speak with her about this, and the true extent of her forgiveness to me. I needed her to be awake so this constant fright in me for her would cease.
Niylah glanced down at Clarke. I saw her chest heave with a deep sigh. I felt a tingle of uncertainty rush through my fingertips at that look she gave the girl between us.
"I do not know, heda. Perhaps"
Her smile tried to reassure me but it did nothing but anger me. I looked away from the trader and about the room to distract myself from seeing her hands touching Clarke. It brought on that jealous rise in me seeing her fingers moving where mine could not.
I stared at nothing in particular, letting my mind run dry before a sudden realisation took hold of my attention.
It happened here..
I looked down to Clarke laying on the bed. To niylah sat beside her. I felt disgust in myself for the thoughts rushing around in my head at the soft look she gave Clarke as she whimpered against niylah cleaning her wounds. I couldn't help but see it all play out in front of me. Clarke and niylah.. One of them pressed into the furs, kisses being heavily exchanged, while the other...
Stop! My heart screeched at me. I heeded its pain and stood.
Niylah looked up at me in concern. She asked if I was alright. I hid my anger and my pain and calmly told her to inform me again when Clarke woke. She nodded back at me and promised. She would tell me the second Clarke opened her eyes.
"I will be in a council" I told her sternly with a look back at her, "Do not let it stop you telling me she is awake"
Niylah nodded. She understood.
I looked down at the sky princess then and brushed my thumb along her hand holding mine before I gently peeled it away from under her head. My chest ached with my slow move away from the bed. I did not want to leave her side. But I had to.
Stay strong, Clarke, my heart whispered to her in plea.
I turned then, heart and mind working in one to distract me from my continued torment. I shouldn't have let myself think it was over easily.
Clarke's punishment was over.
Of course mine was not.