"Please Raj, give me something. Some small snippet of glorious news that at least someone's relationship is not a cavalcade of misery." Janie had thrown her body over the book Raj had been using as a device to ignore her.

He still didn't answer her immediately, first he pushed her off the medical textbook then he spoke calmly. "It's going well."

"Don't bullshit me Raj, I want details. Beautiful details full of blossoming romance." She continued to stare at him until he finally raised his hands in defeat.

"Fine." Raj took a deep breath. "They've started working on her green card." Her scream was deafening and he tried to look stern as she barreled around the counter to throw her arms around him but he was laughing by the time he returned her hug. "Calm down little sister."

"I can't! Finally some good news. I'm so happy for you." Janie hugged him again for good measure before he pushed her back to her side of the counter.

Her smile remained even as he returned to his book. "Then you're love story really has crashed and burned."

"Yeah, it's pretty much dead in the water." She still couldn't believe what was happening. Maybe that was her own fault.

After kissing Jared at the party, in what could only be a moment of pure madness, Janie had developed a ball of guilt the size of Texas in her chest. Jared wasn't her boyfriend anymore, she had kissed someone else's fiancé. And not just anyone, her friend. A girl who barely had any friends and Janie had betrayed her trust.

Feeling both incredibly morose and pissed at Jared she had trudged to school on the first day after vacation and was practically assaulted by a low hanging banner in front of the gates.

It had taken her a second to read the words plastered across it in bright pink as she pulled her leather jacket tighter, missing the grey peacoat she'd abandoned on New Year's. "Congratulations Jared Pullman and Jade Irie! Happy Engagement!"

She had stumbled a few feet pass the banner when Jade had grabbed her shoulders. "Janie-ya, great news! The wedding is moved forward. It's next month." Jade thrust the envelope at Janie and she held tight to it as Jade continued speaking. "I know it's sudden but some things have happened. I don't want to get into it now. More importantly I have a question for you. Will you be my maid of honor?"

Jade held Janie's hands around the envelope and her cheeks looked like they would crack from the width of her smile. "I don't know unnie, I don't have the money."

"I'll pay for it all of course!" Janie tried to think of more excuses as Jade continued. "I asked my future husbands's unnie but she said no. I'm going to ask Gail-chan too. Please say yes Janie-ya. If you can't, I have no one to ask who really cares about me."

Only the devil himself could say no to that. Janie nodded, hated herself for it and watched Jade cheer as she rushed out the gate without another word. She must have been eager to see Gail at her school. The thought didn't make it any easier to bear or disperse the ball of guilt in her chest.

Janie walked straight to class, head high, arms straight and envelope gripped in her right hand. When she arrived at the classroom she felt the eyes follow her to her seat. They lingered and she didn't need to look to know that Jared was no longer in her classroom. She didn't need to ponder long to know that their paths would never cross again.

Thinking back on it did her no good. Talking to Gail wouldn't do her any good either. She was still tangled up with Ian. The only comfort she could think to seek was Raj, hoping against hope that his relatively normal relationship (in comparison) would comfort her in some way. And while she found that she was happy for Raj, she wasn't comforted.

Not at all.

"You know Raj, I think I've realized something. I'm always hoping that things will be better, more quiet. Maybe I just need to accept the fact that my life will never be calm or easy." Janie didn't mean to sound so melancholy, but she must have because Raj shut his book which was a rare occurance indeed.

She stood still as he circled the counter and pulled her into a tight hug. Her body relaxed as she returned his hug. It was more comforting then his words. And just as rare as him neglecting a book. "Just hold on little sister. Things will get better. I think it was Shakespeare who said 'show me someone who doesn't dream about the future and I'll show you someone who doesn't know where they are going'." He pushed her away and held her at arm's length. "You keep dreaming about that better future, you'll get there."

"Do you know how often you quote Shakespeare?"

He smiled at her. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Janie left a few minutes later, it was better to let him study. Anyway, she had work that night with Gail and she knew that if Jade had rushed to see her Janie would have a lot of sympathy to deal with.

And just as she predicted, as soon as she was through the door Gail bullrushed her and practically tackled her to the ground. "Oh Janie, I'm so sorry! This is so terrible! It's like a nightmare. She asked me to be a bridesmaid, she said you already said yes. Oh Janie, what are you going to do?!"

After a few minutes Janie finally pried Gail off her and took her place behind the counter. "It's fine, there's no changing it now."

"Are you sure it's okay?"

Janie nodded and forced a smile. "Of course, Jade is our friend. We'll go, we'll do this and we'll be happy for her."

"What about you and Jared?"

"There is no me and Jared. Not anymore." The kiss flashed through her mind but she ignored it. That had been the briefest escape and now it was their last goodbye. Nothing more.

The bakery door swung open with a gust of wind and Jade stepped into the shop arms flung wide. "My beautiful bridesmaids!"

Janie felt Gail's eyes shift to her but ignored it as she smiled at Jade. "Annyeoung unnie. Why are you here?"

"Every wedding needs a cake. Where's the baker?" Gail slipped in the back and returned with Eve who took in the situation with cold eyes.

"Can I help you?"

Jade waved her arms. "Always so mean. I need a cake for my wedding in one month. Will you do it? Here," Jade pulled some pictures of cakes out of her purse and handed them to her. "Something colorful and big! Look, look. Especially this one." Jade pointed to the cake on the first page, a five tier circular cake with different colored ribbons and flowers on each layer.

But Eve wasn't looking at the page, instead her dark eyes had shifted to Janie. "Is that all right?" Jade looked confused and for a moment, so did Janie. Eve was never concerned for anyone. At least, that's how she presented herself.

But by the time Janie figured out what Eve was asking her Jade had found her own reason.

"Ah, will Janie-ya have to work overtime to help? Should I have asked you first?"

Janie shook her and looked at Eve. "No, it's fine. It'll all work out." Eve shrugged and started shuffling through Jade's paper. "As long as Janie is fine with it, I can make it happen. What's the date?"

The words all melded together after that, Janie didn't want to listen more then she needed to. All she needed to know was that Jared was getting married and it shouldn't bother her. But it did. It ate at the ache in her chest. The next two weeks were a blur after that. Jade was dragging her from store to store making decisions about linens and food selections. It took all of Janie's resolve to be a willing participant in whatever Jade asked of her.

And at no point, did she see any of the F4 circling, except for Jackson. When he invited her to lunch she accepted happily. Not only for the break it provided from Jade but because Jackson was one the only friend left who didn't look at her with eyes of pity.

The day Janie had lunch with Jackson was Saturday, one week before the wedding. It was brisk, a cold wind sweeping through the city. Jackson had picked her up and taken her to a small restaurant in Little Italy. He had let her eat in peace for the entirety of the meal and she enjoyed the quiet while she shoveled pasta in her mouth. When she was finishing up the plate, just picking at the sauce with a thick slice of bread, Jackson sat forward.

"How are the wedding plans?" She finished the bread before answering.

"They're going." She waited until the waiter finished taking away the plates before continuing. "I have to pick up my dress at Jade's final fitting Wednesday. The menu is set, the venue is waiting and the guest list is finalized. Everything is…great." She stumbled over the words, they simply wouldn't flow smoothly from her lips. Janie hoped that Jared hadn't noticed, but of course he did.

Still, he didn't say anything. He paid and they stepped back into the cold wind to walk back to his car a few blocks away. Her head was down and she instinctually kepts close to Jackson's side to try and find some warmth.

But then he spoke. "I have a proposition." He was still looking forward with his hands shoved into his pockets. "Let's not go to the wedding. We'll go to the airport instead and get the next flight to Belize. I have a home there right by the ocean. We'll stay there, finish school online. In the summer your family can come stay with us, I think they'd like it. We can apply for schools from there, come back in the fall. Just relax. What do you think?"

Yes, she thought. God yes. Janie could picture it, wanted to picture it. Studying for classes at her leisure and laying on the beach in the morning. Watching her siblings playing in the sand, something they'd never done before, and actually enjoying life to the fullest. Go to school in the fall, leave all the crazy high school drama behind. She wouldn't have to pretend to be happy. She could be happy. She wouldn't have to watch Jade marry Jared. The man she loved.

And that's where it fell apart. Because when she imagined all those things, she wasn't doing them with Jackson. There was someone else holding her hand.

"No," It was more of a gasp then a word and still Jackson stared forward. "I can't. I'm sorry but I just can't leave. "

"Yes, you could."

"No," She grabbed his arm trying to force him to understand. "I am so sorry but it's not right."

"Janie,"

"Jared, I-oh," Her hands jumped back and hovered by her head as Jackson finally let his eyes fall on her. She backed up and ignored the angry pedestrian she had struck in her lack of attention. "Jackson."

He held up a hand, just one and not harshly. But with finality. "You don't have to say anything else."

"I think I'll take the train home." His eyes lingered on her for a moment, they were soft and kind and so badly hurt she wanted to scream. She wanted to love him, but it was never him. When he nodded she knew it was the last time he was going to reach out for her.

And Janie was more relieved then she cared to admit.

It was a long ride home and when she arrived she wasn't greeted with comfort or hugs. She was greeted with tears and screams.

Janie tried to keep a tight grip on Jimmy as he squirmed and shrieked in her ear. "Oh Jimmy, please." He held tight then, caught between the desire to be comforted and to run. The other subway riders were throwing hateful looks at her as she stood and tried bouncing him on her hip, which didn't work. It made it worse.

When Janie had finally arrived at home it was only to find the apartment in extreme distress. Janie had been so busy she hadn't noticed that Jimmy's back teeth were finally coming in. Something that had been mildly distressing for the other kids was life shattering for Jimmy. He didn't bear it stoically at all, instead he would scream and wail and keep everyone awake for weeks until the teething was over. They had tried everything, ice cubes, chew rings, creams. The only thing that worked was a high end gel that could only be bought from one pharmacy near the Upper East Side.

No one had slept more then a few hours since Saturday night, they only got to sleep when Jimmy cried himself to sleep and as soon as he was awake, so was the family. The kids were going mad, the twins were angry and May started crying too in frustation. The pharmacy wasn't open on Sunday and Monday morning Su-wan had to open the Laundromat and the kids had to go to school so it fell to Janie to skip school and go in hunt of the much needed gum gel.

She pushed through the crowds which parted at Jimmy's wails and practically sprinted up the stairs and down the two blocks to the pharmacy. Then she waited in line and then she yelled at the pharmacist.

"What do you mean you're out?!" Jimmy shrieked louder at her raised tone and she tried to comfort him as the pharmacist stammered.

"I'm, uh, I'm sorry miss. But we get don't get a new shipment until Thursday."

She groaned, she just couldn't help it. ""Do you hear this? You expect everyone to just deal with this until Thursday." Jimmy wailed for emphasis and the pharmacist shrugged in defeat.

"I'm sorry but we have other brands."

"Other brands don't work!" There was a small pause in the chaos as Jimmy and the rest of the store stared in shock at her voice. She hadn't meant to yell and she was ready to apologize as Jimmy began to start his litany of cries again but then she heard the voices behind her.

They had been there before as the line behind her grew but now she she caught the words being whispered behind her back.

"Honestly, this is what happens when young girls try to be mothers."

"Ya!" She spun around to face the two older women in conference together who gaped at her attention. "I'm not his mom, I'm his sister. But even if I was I would be a great mom you judgemental bitches. Shibal nom! "

Janie made a point of pushing the woman who had spoken out of her way as she stormed out of the store. It was still cold out and Jimmy was still screaming but there was nothing else to do. Janie found the nearest wall and collapsed letting Jimmy's cries echo down the street as she fought off her own.

"Janie?" She froze and then hesitantly looked towards the voice she already knew.

"Oh God."

Jared was standing a few feet away, bundling in a black trench coat and loose grey scarf. She could tell he was wearing a suit, or at least dress pants, under the long coat. He must have been either going to or coming from somewhere important. Apparenltly it didn't matter because he crossed the short distance and sat on the wall beside her. With clear confusion and concern he looked from Jimmy's tear stained face to her exhausted one. "What's wrong on? Why aren't you at school?"

"Jimmy's teething and the only store with the right gum gel is sold out till Thursday." She was too tired to say anything else besides the truth.

Jared looked down at Jimmy who tried to smile when he saw Jared's familiar face, but quickly buried his face in Janie's shoulder. "But why do you have him?"

She took a moment to readjust Jimmy's weight before speaking quietly. "Umma has to work, the other kids have to go to school and we're all exhausted. He couldn't stay with Umma at the Laundromat, no one would stay with him crying. He had to come with me."

"I'm sorry."

"This is honestly not your fault." Jared opened his mouth to say more but she held up a hand to stop him. Jimmy was tiring. The cries had turned to a whimper. They sat in silence for a few minutes while Jimmy finally slipped into sleep and Janie sighed in relief. "Finally."

They both remained seated in silence. Janie was starting to wonder if she should leave when Jared spoke quickly.

"I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "I already said there's nothing to be sorry about."

"Yes, there is."

"Right." Now she really didn't know what to do. Unsure, she remained and felt Jared's eyes on her as he sat in silence. Finally she turned to speak first and saw his eyes. Eyes full of unspoken words and something else. "You should probably go."

"I know...I know." There it was. Love. His words dripped with it even in defeat. "I really thought we could win."

Something caught in her throat as she held Jimmy tighter but she forced herself to speak. "Yeah, me too."

"You know how before, in your poem you said that this is the part where you die. I don't think it's just you."

"It's not meant to be taken so literally, Jared."

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah, I do."

"This, this is really it." His voice cracked as he spoke, something cracked inside her too as she look away from the glimmer in his eye.

"I think so." She tried to hide her tears as another thought bubbled to the surface. I still haven't said it. He still doesn't know, not really. But it was too late now.

And then, through tears that didn't drop, he smiled. "Can we pretend, for just one moment we had a choice. What would you want to do?"

"I would want you to hold me again. And kiss me again. Like that first time on the roof top. I thought my heart would burst. I would want that again. Nothing else would matter."

He looked away then, maybe she'd said too much. "That, I guess I should go."

"I'm sorry Jared."

He stood and she could see the strain between staying and leaving. She stood too, repositioning Jimmy on her hip as he rested against her cold neck. "So am I," He smiled sadly and she melted. "More than you know." She nodded and he turned to leave but only walked a few steps before he turned, eyes downcast as he pointed at nothing, just the air in front of her as he spoke more to himself. "Just once more, once more to last forever."

Janie stared at him in confusion as he finally stopped moving and looked at her. "What?"

He didn't answer her question with words, instead he somehow found a way to wrap his arms around her without disturbing Jimmy. It didn't matter that his grip was loose at best, she found his mouth and she fell into him as he bent down to meet her. The world wasn't cold anymore, it was warm. Jared was warm, just like she remembered. Janie held tight to his shirt with her unburdened hand, stretching the fabric as she tried to keep him with her. It was all she wanted.

But he broke away, lips as red as his eyes and cheeks. His hands pulled back, laid softly on the hand that wouldn't let go and gently pried it free. "Good bye."

She left first, she just turned and walked away without looking back. She was tired and she couldn't lie to herself anymore as the ball of guilt threatened to consume her. Jimmy slept for a few hours and when he woke she walked him around the neighborhood as she tried to coax food into him. Her mother slept while May watched the store and by the time Janie returned home Jimmy had passed out again.

The apartment was quiet as she stepped over Umma and put Jimmy down, praying that he could stay asleep long enough for her to rest. But she didn't get the chance to try. As soon as she stepped back into the kitchen to grab a drink of water there was a light knock on the door followed by hurried steps on the stairs.

Approaching carefully, fearful of any trickery, she leaned against the door, listening for any other sounds. After a few minutes and no stirring aside from Umma Janie cracked the door and peeked into the hallway.

In front of the door was a plain cardboard box as tall as her knees and as wide as the doorway. On top was a small folded note and she crouched to open it tentatively before further examining the box. The small script was familiar and she felt the tears before she was even done with the words.

J, I'm officially giving your pearls back. I wish I could have kept them forever. Love J, aka, the swine.

Umma found her there, crying silent tears in the doorway as she clutched her missing peacoat to her chest next to the overturned box spilling Xavier's teething gel onto the floor.

"Daughter, what's wrong?"

"Umma," Janie had no other words. She fell into her mother's arms and lingered in the comfort until Jimmy woke and Umma took the gel to him. She didn't say anything else, in fact she didn't say anything else the next day. There was no one who sought her company and even when they did she couldn't say the words ready to burst forth.

Like a ghost she wondered through the next two days barely speaking, even at work, until Wednesday night arrived. Janie went to the dress shop to meet Jade for her final fitting, only a few days before the wedding.

Jade was such a ball of excitement that she didn't even notice Janie's silence as she followed her into the back of the dress shop to the fitting room. While Jade was getting helped into the dress she was still talking in her booming so Janie could hear her.

"I know it's not perfect, but I'm so excited Janie-ya. Do you know my future husband's sister, Helen? She arrived last night but she wouldn't meet with me. Isn't that strange? Oh, well. It will all work out when she's my older sister."

The door swung open and Jade stepped out before the attendant, kicking out the long skirt skirt as she stepped in front of Janie with the mirror to her back. She was smiling as she ran her hands over bead and lace of the tight corset the clung to her body until billowing out in silk folds that fell to the floor. It was a beautiful gown and it was clear that Jade loved.

She quickly turned around to face her own reflection and beamed. "It's a perfect fit, isn't that a wonderful sign? They don't even have to tuck it in or anything. You know, I saw him kissing someone else. I know it must have been someone he cared for but it doesn't matter. Soon he'll be my husband. Still, I can't help thinking about it. I do love this dress. I hope he does too."

Janie had stood and stepped up onto the platform where Jade was looking in the mirror. Jade looked at Janie in the reflection and smiled again but Janie just couldn't. The ball in her chest had been growing since she stepped in the shop and it demanded to be set free.

"It was me."

Jade was still smiling but there was worry. There was some realization dawning as she turned to face Janie. "What?"

"It was me, unni. I was kissing Jared."

Author's note: Yes, after a long absence I'm leaving it at that. I'm a terrible person. Sorry for the wait and thank you for the gentle encouragements to post. I know this post was maybe a little shorter but I really wanted to focus solely on Janie before moving on. Don't worry, we'll be seeing more of everyone in the next chapter. Please continue to review. Thank you! :D