Chapter XX

21st January 1943

Dear Diary,

Seb is at the hospital in France. He was wounded: shot in the leg. He wrote that he's fine and will be sent back to the front in a matter of a month. Gilly is at the hospital in Netherlands again. He was wounded too: his plane had a hard landing and his arm was crushed painfully and as a result, he bled heavily and lost consciousness for a whole day.

Therefore this is why I am feeling so blank right now. I feel almost lifeless today, I must say. I know, I know that Seb will be fine, he is after all conscious and his leg is already put up together and all of his bones are in order and fine. I know he is alright and will be. I also know that Gilly will be fine too, after all, he woke up yesterday from his temporary coma just to see Daria (who sent us the telegram about him and his well-being, thank the Lord for her!) taking care of him with all her power, I'm sure. She wrote in the telegram: "Not to worry, I'm here for our Gilbert" and I am so… so… thankful for her that I am crying again!

I feel like everything is slowly crumbling into pieces… I know that it's probably just my imagination, that there's a war on, that Gilly has been wounded again and fought for his life just yesterday, that Seb was nearer death than ever before in his life and that there's also so much war news… I think my head will sooner or later explode with all the things we hear about the Jews from the Warsaw's ghetto rising up for their rights, or the bombings or… Everything! I am fed up with this war: that's what it is!

I am waiting, waiting, waiting and nothing comes out of it! Only pain and heartbreak and this constant possibility and worry of all the terrible and harrowing things that could and are happening to everyone I love so dearly with all the power contained in my heart!

But... it's not just that, there's something else too… Oh, I don't know if I want to write it down, it feels like everything I write down be it in my head or a bit imaginary will become real once I write it down and it alarms me incredibly. But I will write it down, I am keeping this diary for a reason and the reason is for me to one day look back at it and then laugh at my silly imaginings and things I said or did. So I will write it down. Now.

I think that Seb doesn't have any more feelings towards me.

It hurts my heart to think so but I think that it is the truth. Oh, darn you, you horrible tears which are rolling down my cheeks like rivers! I never swear, I never do but oh, today is just the most terrible day of all!

I noticed about a month earlier that Seb doesn't write those beautiful and poetic letters to me anymore and also that he gradually stopped discussing our potential future together. I understand that he is in the army and that he is fighting in the trenches and that, of course, he doesn't have the time to write long, love-letters while fighting at the front but he did write them somehow and that was only three months ago!

I'm not going to write to him and ask him why did he stop, no, I definitely won't do that. I already asked Mum to give me advice on what to do and she told me to just wait and see, especially because now he's at the hospital and will be able to write a longer letter after all. She also said that if my suspicion is correct (which both she and I think isn't — it can't be!) then he doesn't deserve me at all. Dad nodded along to that and added that he will gladly "speak" with him if my suspicion is truly correct.

I constantly think of what could I possibly have done wrong? This leads on to other questions: Did Seb ever really loved me? Did he mean anything he told or said to me? And the worst of all: Did he fall in love with someone else and I simply don't know about it? My heart is beating furiously at the very thought. God, I'm so glad that I still have two hours of cello lessons with my sweet eight-year-old student Cara so that I can take my mind off everything else. I also plan on composing a bit in the evening and for this I am always ready.

I do have to stop worrying about Seb's feelings, I know. After all, everything happens for a reason and if he really… really… doesn't love me anymore then it will just prove that we weren't meant to be… together. Darn it, why are my eyes able to produce so many tears all at once? Enough, enough, Hester Leslie Ford! You are only eighteen and a half years old! You have your whole life ahead of you and if Seb isn't in your future then someone more important will be! No, no, I can't think like that either, I do want Seb to be in my future, I see him so clearly in it… Especially when I'm looking at his photograph which stands on my night-stand right in this moment… How handsome he is, and talented!

Stop it, Hester! You foolish girl!

Oh, thank God, I have to start getting ready for my music lesson now. I have to change into this new dress of mine which Auntie Una miraculously sewed for me from her older dress and styled it in one of the patterns from the newest magazines! This new/old dress is a beautiful lilac colour which I really love but Seb never liked that much… Hester. Stop.

Oh!

With all the fuss about Seb and the news of his and Gilly's being wounded, I completely forgot to write in here about a very important and happy news as well! It did happen three days ago and so that's why I was concerned with other things that happened more recently, all concerning me, of course, for I am really selfish from time to time, which really annoys me!

Walt has recovered from his wounds very quickly because they weren't very severe (thank God for that!) and he is now on his way back to the front. However, a day before he did go on that train to take him back to the front, a telegram came announcing that Walt and Cornelia got married. Everyone is so very happy for them, I am too. I truly am although it is hard to think of them happily married, beginning their life together while I myself am having doubts about my own sweetheart and I'm asking myself a question whether I still have a sweetheart of my own...

But there, this is where I shall finish for today and now I really do have to go and start preparing for the lesson.

I know that this stress will calm itself down tomorrow, I'm just having a bad day today. It is quite spine-chilling, though, to have a bad and disheartening day when so much pain is happening around the world as well...

Tomorrow will be better. It usually is anyway.

Yours,

Hester

Tomorrow was a much better day for Hester, especially because it was Saturday and that meant Hester's day free of work. She usually spent that day simply knitting in the evening and preparing lessons for another week for her six young students.

The brisk sun woke her up but she didn't mind, she welcomed it with her open arms almost, as if it was a bearer of joy and happiness. It was quite early still, half past six only but Hester really didn't mind. She felt like an entirely new person on that day, fresh and ready for everything. She took her time with brushing her hair which was now cut to the shoulder-length and shone in the daylight. Her skin contrasted with her hair, as always, for it had its usual porcelain touch.

Hester hummed one of the pieces she composed herself a few months back and her eyes were closed, transfixed in her own world, the world of music and imagination which she loved as dearly as if it was another person, her own friend. She was very dreamy although still aware of the world around her. She was smiling and looked like a picture taken a long time ago, in the time when cameras of any kind haven't been even invented yet. In the time when Jean Raoux was working hard on his paintings which had such incredible lightening that it could easily blind its admirers by its beauty.

She then took her time and dressed in one of her favourite blouses which was once worn by her own mother, in the time of another war. A slightly faded white with a flower pattern making its appearance around the neckline and around the flowing sleeves. She put on her casual grey trousers and looked truly more mature than what her age spoke. In Hester's case, it was her character that spoke through her appearance, there was no mistake about that.

She then went downstairs, made herself breakfast consisting of toasts and then came back upstairs. Hester then sat down by her table under the window and wrote letters to Gilly, Selwyn and Lily. Satisfied with a number of words she has produced in the last two hours, she then almost silently went downstairs once again and got almost frightened when she saw both of her parents sitting together on the sofa in their living room.

They were both very much focused on something they were whispering to one another, their cheeks flushed and their hands holding each other for all they had. Rilla's cheeks were a bit shiny and Hester knew at once that her mother was crying, not now but sometime earlier and… and so did her father! His cheeks were just the same as Rilla's.

Hester observed them for a few more moments because they didn't notice her coming into the room. But… nothing horrible could have happened! - she thought to herself. They were smiling now! Her mother had a glow about her entire being and Hester immediately smiled at her. She looked so very young then, even though she did complain about a few new grey hairs she found on her still auburn head a few months earlier.

"Good morning?" Hester was almost afraid to ask if it truly was a 'good' morning or not.

Both Ken and Rilla turned their heads at their daughter and smiled at her brightly, in a way they hadn't in months "Good morning, my darling!" Rilla jumped up from her seat and danced her way to Hester, putting her in a tight embrace and overflowing her with kisses.

Hester laughed aloud "Mum!" she exclaimed "You are so happy today!"

Rilla finally pulled away but still held onto Hester's hands, a smile never leaving her lips and her eyes flicking back and forth to Ken and Hester "Oh, we both are, my dearest girl." Ken said and came over to both of his women and kissed Hester on the cheek "Very happy indeed." he looked deeply into Rilla's eyes and the two of them shared a glance Hester knew well enough yet not entirely at the same time.

She frowned slightly "What… What is it?" she asked eventually and curiosity overcoming her.

"Hester, we have something to tell you." Ken started merrily and almost nervously Hester thought to herself before he turned his head to Rilla again "Do you want to… Or should I?" he asked her secretly.

Hester was looking now at both of her parents with such confusion upon her face that she herself wondered how her face could show that feeling any clearer. Yet both of her parents turned their heads towards her then and Rilla especially looked into Hester's eyes with a deep emotion of happiness "Hester, dear, I'm going to have a baby." she announced, her voice almost breaking into pieces but Hester knew that it was the breaking of joy exploding in her mother's body like a volcano.

Hester's jaw opened and for a second she really didn't know whether it was all just a dream, a reality or her own imagination. Finally, everything fell back into place and her hazel eyes filled up with warm and fresh tears. Her lips formed into a smile entirely effortlessly "Really?" she asked breathlessly.

Ken and Rilla looked at each other, smiling, and Ken put a piece of paper he held in his hands in front of his daughter "Well, the tests your mother did say so and so does your mother herself so I think that there's no reason to question it." he said cheerfully, his own eyes turning misty.

"Oh! How wonderful!" Hester exclaimed happily and put her arms around their necks and the three of them started laughing together, remembering each detail of that celebration which seemed almost sacred. Finally, they all steadied themselves and still smiling, looked at each other elatedly before Hester suddenly turned very worried. She put a hand on her mother's stomach and her other one on her elbow, motioning her to the sofa "You should sit down, mum." she said to her decidedly "I am no doctor nor a nurse but I do know that pregnant women have to rest a lot and take care of themselves."

Rilla, laughing, obediantly sat down on the sofa, her hand on her still flat stomach and her eyes twinkling as she put her other hand on Hester's own "Darling, I am fine." she told her assuringly "The tests are absolutely brilliant and so there's nothing here to worry about, only to be joyful about." she said and Ken kissed his wife's lips tenderly and then he smiled at her and his daughter, all of them sitting on the sofa with Rilla placed comfortably in the middle.

"Rilla-my-Rilla," he said to her suddenly, his voice a but firmer "-you do have to rest. You're not twenty years old anymore and you know that well yourself and that is exactly why you will be spending most of your time here on this sofa." he looked meaningfully at her and Rilla gave him a look of disapproval.

"Really, Ken, I'm not going to be lying here all day long as if I were ill." she said to him decidedly "I've experienced three pregnancies already and this one might be harder on me because of my age, I agree with you on that, but it's not an illness. I feel wonderful." she raised her eyeborws at him, suddenly looking very much like her daughter sitting on her left and both Hester and her father laughed.

"That is true as well, Rilla." Ken agreed calmly "But you will rest, won't you? Please, dear." he touched her hand gently and she squeezed it reassuringly with a smile on her face.

"Of course, I will." she said gingerly.

Hester looked at her parents and only then she realised that small tears flowed down her flushed cheeks all that time and she quickly wiped them away with the sleeve of her blouse. She then put her hand on her mother's belly once again "I can't believe that I will have another sibling!" she said excitedly "And so will Gil and Selwyn!" she patted the little bump tenderly and then smiled at both of her parents who watched her with their parental fascination.

"It is so exciting, isn't it?" Rilla breathed out joyfully, looking down at where Hester's hand was "And July isn't so far off, is it?"

Hester gasped with delight "Oh, it will be a summer baby!" she said and both of her parents laughed together before Hester turned serious once again "Mum, I am taking care of the house now, I will wash and cook and clean everything…"

Rilla put a hand on Hester's shoulder "No, no!" she said seriously "At least leave the cooking to me!" she chuckled and so did her husband and her daughter who both knew that that was the least enjoyable activity of Rilla's.

"Alright, I will. But I'll be doing all the rest." Hester announced and then smiled readily at her parents again.

"But, dear, you're already doing all of it!" Rilla protested.

"You're always doing more than me, mum!" Hester argued.

"That's because you work as a teacher and a helper at an orphanage, Hester." Rilla said calmly.

"It doesn't matter." Hester assured her with a squeeze of her hand "I will take care of the house and you will take care of yourself." she raised her eyebrows at her mother and caused another wave of laughter in the room.

"Alright, that's a deal." Rilla said and kissed Hester's cheek gently.

Ken sighed with contentment "God, how much I love you, my two beautiful women." he said and took both Rilla's and Hester's hands in his own "So, Rilla will take care of herself and the cooking, Hester will take care of the house and regular work, and I will take care of my own work but most importantly I will take care of you both." he smiled tenderly at both of his women who smiled back at him.

That was the only reassurance each of them needed, it only took one smile and they all felt loved.