Hey guys! Thank you all so much for the amazing feedback on last chapter! I'm so glad to see that you liked it! Also I just realized that this story has more than a hundred reviews and I was over the moon! I can not believe it! Thanks to all of you who reviewed! You guys are the best and I don't know what I would do without you! :)
Now, here is the new chapter, I hope you will like it!

Disclaimer: Nope, I still don't own Castle

Chapter 20

Castle sat, slumped against the back of the seat on the metro. The car was bouncing, people stumbling and stepping on each other's foot then apologizing but he didn't even notice it. He only saw the dirty floor of the metro under his own feet. He felt numb, spent, lost.

His shirt and jeans were stained and messy and he could feel a sting on his left cheek. After he hid behind the dumpsters he heard the men assess the situation and start to look around and just as he was sure they would find him he heard a second explosion. Much bigger and more powerful than the first and he heard the yells from the men. He felt the dumpster move as well, pressing against his back forcefully, almost pushing him flush against the wall. After that it was silent, apart from the soft pops from the fire and sounds of stuff hitting the ground he couldn't hear a thing.

He waited a few more moments before daring to peer around the top of the dumpster and what he saw took his breath away. The men, all four of them lay on the ground and Castle could barely look at them. Burned and bruised, they lay with their limbs in weird angles. Dead. All of them gone. A strange, thick, nauseating smell reached his nose and after a second he realized it was the smell of burned skin. Castle closed his eyes, struggling not to throw up as he stumbled out from behind the dumpster with difficulty, feeling that this day was just too much for him. He looked around and saw a pile of still flaming material that was on the place of the duffel bag. He swallowed, wondering what on Earth was in the bottom of the bag. He had an unnerving suspicion that Royce had put some sort of detonator there and forgot to tell him… Castle glanced at the scene in front of him once more, his eyes sliding to the body closest to the remains of the bag and he had to lift his hand to his mouth in terror when he realized that it probably exploded right next to him because he looked the worse of all. Before he could see anything else, before his mind could take in any details Castle turned around and ran.

And now he was sitting on the subway, going as far away as he could. Royce's words echoing in his head: 'Get as far away from here as possible!'

The metro stopped at a station and a new wave of people entered the car, bringing the smell of bakeries and the sounds of chatter with them. He briefly glanced up, his eyes sliding over them hopelessly before he hung his head again.

He clutched his phone in his hands so he wouldn't miss if Royce called. When Royce called. When! Castle simply wouldn't accept the thought that maybe he won't call. It was not possible. He had to call, to let Castle know what happened. To calm his nerves. Rick wouldn't let hoplessness swallow him whole...

But of course he knew it was too late for that. He knew that if they wanted to call him, they would have done it already. If they got out, they could have called him. And Castle was sure they managed to escape, he felt it in his guts, in his heart. And he was falling deep down into that dark hole of desperation. So he was holding onto his phone, his last straw of hope that kept him afloat.

At the next station he got off, his movements automatic as he climbed the stairs and stopped once he reached the street. He looked around and realized that he was only a few blocks away from his building but he didn't want to go home yet. He couldn't bear the thought of his lonely, silent apartment, he didn't want to be alone. Instead of turning home he headed the other way, deciding that he could use a drink. Preferably something strong.

He walked for a few minutes, watching the people around him, trying to distract his mind. It was just past lunchtime and everyone was on their way back to work. He crossed a small park, relieved to feel the cool air when he reached the shadow of trees and he stopped in his tracks for a bit to watch the children playing. They were laughing and running around, completely oblivious to the cruelties and disasters that life held. He realized that just a couple of days ago he was one of them. He was one of the lucky bastards who lived their life happily, getting everything they ever desired. He had always been aware of the fact that he was lucky but the real meaning of these words only occur to him now. Now when he knew that there were people who had to fight for every day of their life, people who made a living from killing others, people whose relatives and loved ones were killed in the matter of seconds. Just like that...

He wished he could still be oblivious, he wished he could erase the images from his brain, the feelings from his heart.

He wished he had never met her but wished that he could spend every single day of his remaining life with her at the same time.

He chose a café in the end, deciding that he didn't want even the possibility of getting real wasted and doing something stupid. He sat in a booth, deep in thought and barely noticed the poor waitress who came to take his order. He didn't know how many times had she cleared her throat already by the time he looked up and she watched him with clear concern in her eyes.

He ordered the simplest coffee, didn't even bother to ask for something special and then stared at the tabletop while he waited for it. There was a small spot on the wood, a stain of some kind and he imagined that it was from a splash of hot beverage. It had been so hot that it left a mark on the wood. His eyes fixed on the little, rounded spot he purposefully didn't think about anything that could lead his train of thought to Beckett.

By the time he arrived home it was starting to get dark outside. He practically dragged his legs, stalling until the last minute.

He shivered as he walked into his living room, looking around and feeling like there were ghosts of her everywhere. He couldn't believe that catching her while sneaking out of his apartment after their night together was that morning. It felt like years had passed since then.

He didn't bother to turn on the lights as he wandered across his home. He was exhausted but he knew he couldn't sleep. In the end, after long minutes of aimless walking around he collapsed into his office chair in his study and buried his face into his hands.

He sat there in silence, listening to the roaring in his ears and the erratic racing of his heart. By now he was sure she wouldn't call. He should have guessed that she would simply disappear, that their night together would be just that. One short night. He didn't want to accept it but he knew he didn't have any other choice. It was a decision already made by her and he didn't want to give himself the false hope that he would be able to find her. If she never wanted to meet again then he wouldn't be able to reach her no matter how hard he tried.

And it hurt more than he expected and way more than he cared to admit. He never thought that a one night stand could break his heart. But then again she was never just a one night stand, was she? No, she was way more than that. She was a mystery, she was a beautiful mystery that he desperately longed to solve. But now he would never figure her out...

He knew her reasons of course, the why of her decision was never a question for him. He was just disappointed since he felt there was a real connection between the two of them. He hoped that he could bring some joy into her life, some light that she welcomed. But it seemed like she didn't need him.

He couldn't help but smirk at his own stupidity. He knew it was pathetic but he couldn't change the fact that his heart felt like it had been ripped out of his chest and broken to a billion tiny pieces. That's what he became, Richard Castle, best selling author and scandalous playboy turned into a complete wreck because of a woman.

He stirred from his musings when he realized that he had absolutely no idea where Alexis was. In fact, he hadn't seen her since that morning which was rather unusual. He frowned because in the midst of this mess he forgot about his daughter. No, that wasn't true, he did not forget about her for a second. She was his only concern these couple of days but he didn't know where she was or what she had been doing all day. He stood from his chair and pulled out his cell phone.

He dialed and waited for her to pick up, but instead of answering she ignored the call. Castle narrowed his eyebrows and called again. She ignored it again and he didn't understand what was happening. They always answered each other's call, there had to be something really important if Alexis didn't pick up her phone. After a few seconds his phone buzzed in his hand, signaling a text message from Alexis.

'Dad! I'm in the movies with the girls. Told u 'bout it in the morning. Call u later! Love u! A'

Castle stared at the screen in confusion. He remembered talking to her in the morning but he had no memory about her plans about going to the movie theatre.

Did the worry about Beckett and the excitement for Royce's news really made him pay less attention to what Alexis was saying? He felt like a horrible dad for forgetting it. That just added to his general sadness and made him even more upset and Castle felt like crying.

His thoughts were swirling, pulling him deeper and deeper and he couldn't find a way out, he couldn't make sense of them.

He sighed and pulled his closed laptop closer to himself on the desk. Writing was always his sanctuary, his safe place. His thoughts seemed less complicated when he formed them into sentences and it always helped him to sort them out.

He opened a new document, knowing that there was no use in trying to force himself to write his next Christopher Wind novel. Even if he managed to write a few pages it would probably turn out to be useless. No, he needed a fresh page where he could just let his mind run free and type whatever struck him.

He found it surprising thought that in the moment he put his fingers on the keyboard the words started to flow, endless waves of thoughts pouring onto the screen and before he realized a story started to form. The words weren't just his thoughts anymore, they started to shape into a chapter with the beginning of a plot. A completely new plot for him but as he wrote he knew exactly where it came from. It was from her. It was about her.

An hour passed by quickly, his fingers never stopping their dance on the keyboard, filling page after page with words. When he finally paused he scrolled back and his eyes widened when he saw that he managed to write almost thirty pages. Thirty pages in an hour was a lot even for him and even though it was not edited yet he knew that thirty pages meant more than two chapters.

And even then, he didn't stop because he had nothing to write about. He still had loads on his mind and more... New ideas, the story that he was writing so clear in his mind that he was afraid if he stopped they would disappear. Like her. But his throat was dry and every time he swallowed it felt like it was full of sand so he needed some water.

He pushed his chair back and went out into the kitchen to drink something before continuing. He gulped down the water, moaning as it refreshed his mouth and throat. The shrill ringing of his cell phone made him run back to the study and he found that it was Alexis.

"Sweetie, hi!" he picked up, shocked to hear his own voice so cheerful but at the same time he realized he did feel better.

"Hey Dad! The movie just ended and I'm headed home, okay?" he heard his daughter's voice.

"You're not getting something to eat with the girls?" he asked, not wanting her to miss out on anything.

"No dad, we have already eaten before the movie..." she said and Castle heard some laughter from the background. "Sorry Dad, I gotta go...See you at home?" she hurriedly added.

"Sure thing. Take care. Love you!" he said, smiling softly when he heard his daughter giggle at something her friends said.

"Okay, love you too. Bye Dad!" she said then ended the call.

Castle put the phone back down on the table then after stretching his back a little he sat down into his chair and started to write again.

Her apartment felt like it wasn't even her own as Kate stepped through the door. Everything was in place, nothing had changed and yet nothing was right. She ached everywhere, inside and out. All she wanted to do was curl up on her couch and cry. With his arms around herself.

She longed for his embrace, his loving words, his sparkling blue eyes and affectionate gaze.

Royce insisted on giving her a ride home but she didn't want him to know where she lived so he dropped her just down the road. They parted ways without promises, just like last time she had seen him.

On the ride he didn't ask questions and she was thankful for it. The only thing he asked was whether she wanted to go to a hospital or not. Of course she instantly refused the offer. How could she even begin to explain how she got her injuries? It would be just easier to heal on her own. She assured him that she would take a few Tylenols for the pain and sleep on it then wake up as if nothing had happened. Before she got out of the car he examined her still throbbing shoulder and told her that it was dislodged. She just gritted her teeth while he jerked it back into place and even though it hurt like hell she never let out a sound.

As she walked into her bathroom she avoided the mirror with her eyes, not wanting to see how she looked. She squatted down in front of a cabinet under the basin but she lost her balance and ended upon her butt. She paused to chuckle at herself then she pulled the cabinet open and rummaged around for something to blunt the pain in her abdomen. She was relieved because her shoulder was starting to feel better but she tried not to move it too much anyway.

After getting a bottle of Tylenols she wandered out into her kitchen and got a glass of water.

She didn't think about anything but her current actions. One step at a time. She urged herself to goon and ignored every thought that was of Castle.

She sunk back into the cushions of her couch and downed two pills.

She felt heavy and weary and suddenly she couldn't hold back her tears. They flowed down her cheeks and she gasped for air in seconds. She should have been happy, she killed Hunter and Castle was alive too. His life wouldn't be in danger anymore. Then why didn't she feel like a winner? Why didn't she feel satisfied with herself? Why wasn't she relieved to put this case behind herself? Why couldn't she just accept that she wouldn't see him again and move on? Why was it so hard?

Question after question popped up in her mind but no matter how hard she searched in her brain to every one of them she found the same answer.

She had fallen madly and inexplicably and irreversibly in love with him. The truth was she had never felt something like this before.

She had hoped that it was just a passing feeling, just an attraction, just a flame. That she was feeling the connection between them only because he looked at her like she was the best thing in his life. She hoped that once she couldn't feel his delicate touch on her skin her feelings for him would dissolve.

Even after this afternoon when he looked at her with so much love in his eyes, even after she realized she felt the same way she hoped it would go away once he was out of sight. She hoped she would be able to just forget about him and somehow go on with her life.

With a deep growl she pushed herself off the couch. She knew they couldn't meet ever again that was a decision she would stick to. Even with her blurry thoughts she knew it would be too dangerous, it would do no good for him. But she wanted to see him. They couldn't meet but she needed to see him and she only knew one way to do that.

Before she could change her mind she had grabbed her jacket, the binoculars from her room and her cell then she was out the door.

The journey to his building was almost automatic and because of the pills she had taken her brain didn't pickup so many things around her. Every sound, every smell, every colour seemed a bit blunter than it was in reality. It was a bit like she was traveling in a bubble.

She got off the underground and and walked the few minutes to his house. The night had descended and people were headed home or to a club or a bar. Couples cuddled close to each other and groups passed her laughing loudly but she was barely aware of them as she rushed along the street.

In a matter of minutes she was in front of his building. She looked up, eyeing the windows which she knew belonged to his apartment and she felt the draw of the light up there. She wanted nothing more than to be able to go up to him and tell him how she felt, to jump into his arms and kiss him over and over again.

With a long exhale she headed towards the fire escape of the opposite building and with a practiced ease she climbed up to the roof. She walked to the spot from where she had been watching his loft only a couple of days ago and she sat down on the ground. She pulled her jacket closer to protect herself from the night breeze then lifted the binoculars to her eyes. For a moment she couldn't see him but then she focused on his study and saw his silhouette at the desk. He was writing.

Kate blinked a few as she watched him, fighting back her tears of relief when she saw that he truly was okay. He got home, he was writing, he was safe. He could still have a normal life, he could still move on. And she would find a way to do so as well. She would cherish their night together for the rest of her life, she would lock it up in her heart and always remember him. Richard Castle, the man who got to her heart. But she would stay away and do the best for both of them. And who knows, maybe things would turn better…

And as she sat there she was finally at peace with her own decision. She was sure that she chose the right way. But even like that, she just wasn't ready to go yet. She wasn't quite ready to let him go completely, so she just sat there on the roof and peered at the house across the street, at the man who was unaware of the audience. At the man who stole her heart.

And this was it. What do you think? I really hope you liked it and I know there wasn't too much action in this chapter but I felt this slower, sadder chapter was necessary after the previous ones. Please tell me what you think in a review! I'm dying to know your opinion! :)
Thank you all for reading and reviewing! It means the world to me!
I'm going on a school trip tomorrow but I will try to write as much as possible so hopefully I will be able to update on next Monday! Until then, xxx
PS: I actually can not believe that I have to go on school trip on the day of the season finale… I mean, seriously? But anyways, happy finale day (in advance) to everybody! :)