Sasuke's POV
I haven't seen Naruto in a while. I don't really know what he's been up to. I don't know if Karin has gotten around to talking to him - not that it even matters at this point because I already had words with him about doing drugs around me.
I want to tell my parents that I want to take a year off, but I know that it won't go over well. They will be angry. They will want to know why I am insisting on throwing my life away when they are more than willing to provide me with the means of achieving all my goals.
I linger around the house until I hear everyone get home. I continue pacing, trying to figure out what I want to say. My dad is probably going to kill me.
Fuck, this is stressful.
Around six they call me down for dinner. It is uncomfortable.
Things never really got resolved between me and him after he found out I did so poorly in spring semester. Since then, tensions have just been building. We exchange curt hellos but not much else.
My mom made slow-cooker stew which looks delicious, but I'm almost too nervous to eat. I manage a slice or two of bread that she serves with the meal, but what is generally my favorite part ends up untouched.
Itachi must have noticed because now he's watching me, which is just making me more nervous. He probably knows that I have something important to say that is going to make our dad angry.
Towards the end of dinner I take my napkin from my lap and set it on the table, readying myself to make a quick getaway if necessary.
"So…" I mumble, "I have something I wanted to talk to you guys about."
"What is it now?" my dad asks gruffly.
Here we fucking go.
"I want to take a year off," I say, not bothering to draw it out. I want to get it over with.
My dad looks so sour, like his head might just blow right off. My mom looks unsure and she asks, "But why, Sasuke?"
"I need time away from school," I explain somewhat shakily. "I don't think it would be a good idea for me to go back now. I'd just keep messing up and I don't want to waste any more of your money."
"It wouldn't be a waste if you stopped screwing around so much," my dad barks.
"I'm not screwing around..." I murmur.
"Then what ARE you doing?"
"I don't know," I whisper, because I can't tell them the reason for all of this. If I did, everything would get even worse.
This isn't fair to me. I feel like any other parent would understand but my dad has made it absolutely clear that he has no intention of listening to my side of things. It should be obvious that I'm in crisis. I haven't been doing well for months. We barely talk and I'm hardly home when they are.
"You need to pull yourself together," my dad says sternly, leaning back in his chair. "We did not raise you to make decisions like this."
"Okay, well-" I retort, "It's the decision I'm making regardless."
Itachi eyes me, warning me to be careful. He's never been in this boat before though. He doesn't know what it feels like. I wish he would just fuck off.
I don't argue anymore. I pick at some of the food on my plate and then decide I am fucking done. Without another word I get up and go up to my room. I take a long shower and shave and brush my teeth. I feel restless. I debate on texting Naruto, but I don't. I don't want to seem clingy. I know he has a lot if shit on his mind these days and I don't want to add stress.
Around 8PM my mom comes into my room.
"Me and your dad are going to step out for a bit," she says to me.
"Why?" I bite out.
"He wants to get away for a couple hours," she explains.
"He just wants to get away from me."
She gives me a piteous look. "Your father loves you. He just doesn't understand you."
"Whatever," I mumble. "Bye."
With that, she leaves. A few minutes later I hear the front door open and close. Guess they left quickly.
I don't see why no one seems to understand how bad these reactions make me feel. I'm trying to be open. I'm trying to be honest. I really do think I would flounder in school if I started up again right away but no one wants to listen. They just want me to be perfect.
A moment later there's a tap on my door. It must be Itachi.
"Come in," I call, wondering what the fuck he could possibly want to say to me.
The door opens slowly and Itachi pokes his head in. Once he sees me sitting on my bed he enters like he has a mission.
"What's wrong?" he questions, sitting down beside me. "Why don't you want to go back to school?"
"I DO want to go back to school. I just CAN'T yet," I explain, sitting up in bed. "I'll go back after next year."
He stares at the wall, looking thoughtful. There is a crease in his brow. "Did something happen to you?" he asks me.
"No," I insist right away.
"You've been upset for a long time," he continues critically. "It's been months. I thought you were just overworked from classes at first. I thought things would be different when you had some time to recuperate this summer, but nothing has changed." He makes a humming sound and then says, "I think it was… at the start of the year? You stopped calling and visiting. When I called you, you couldn't wait to get off the phone."
I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know what you me to tell you."
He gives me a piteous look. "Sasuke, come on. I'm not an idiot."
"I just don't like losing control," I say simply. "I feel like I'm spiraling."
He stares at me intently. "Are you sure that's it?"
"Yes, that's it," I respond impatiently.
"I think you're lying," he accuses.
"Well, I'm not," I insist. My voice starts to get shaky. I feel cornered again – the way I felt when I told Karin.
Itachi looks even more piteous. He reaches a hand up and pushes the bangs away from my face before settling his hand on my hairline. "Sasuke, what's really wrong? Please tell me."
I close my eyes and shake my head. My throat tightens. I can't say it. I put my palms over my face. I can't say it.
"I was at a party…" I explain, hoping that maybe Itachi will catch on without me having to spell it out for him.
God, even this is too much. I press my palms into my eyes as they start to leak. Ugh. I can't believe this is happening.
He puts an arm around me in an attempt to be comforting. "Where?" he presses.
"One of the fraternities," I stammer out.
He doesn't seem surprised like I expected him to be.
"I know mom and dad would disapprove since it's irresponsible, but I used to go to those things all the time. I don't anymore though," I continue, trying to explain myself.
"Everyone goes to them," Itachi answers quickly. "Everyone knows everyone goes to them."
"I know, I just…" I trail off.
"It's okay," he assures. "You don't need to explain your actions. Just tell me what happened."
I stare down at my clammy hands. I sniffle and swallow audibly. I feel like such a fucking mess. I feel like I've been ruined. I press my fingertips to my closed eyelids, trying to force the words out somehow.
This is hard. I don't know why it's so hard. It's harder than it was telling Karin. I don't know why. Maybe it's because he's my brother. I know for a fact that he has defended men who have been accused of rape. So has my father. Maybe my mother has, too. I know that is their job and everyone has the right to a proper trial with a competent lawyer, but it still puts a bad taste in my mouth. If I became a lawyer, I could never do the things they do.
I let out a sob and then a strangled sound when I try to calm myself down, but it doesn't work. I let out another string of pathetic sobs and my entire body starts shaking. Itachi looks wary, but part of me feels like he already knows what I'm about to say. He's just waiting for me to confirm it.
He rubs my shoulders and then says, "Sasuke, it's okay… I'm not going to be upset. Just tell me what happened and we'll remedy it."
"You can't," I whisper hoarsely.
Just say it.
Just fucking say it.
I raise my head again, staring off into empty space.
"I was raped."
Itachi takes a sharp breath, then lets it back out slowly.
"Someone drugged and raped me," I sob out again. The words come out a little more easily this time.
"Who!?" He stands up from the bed and looks at me straight on, the tone of his voice still severe.
I shrug, not knowing what to say.
"Who was the asshole who did that to you!?" he repeats.
"I don't know!" I confess, bringing my hands to my knees and gripping the fabric of my pants. "It wasn't someone I knew! It wasn't someone anyone knew!"
"Does he go to school with you?" Itachi asks harshly. He sounds absolutely fucking furious, but it's not directed at me. Part of me is relieved, but I also can't even imagine where telling him is going to take me.
"Yes!" I choke out.
And maybe that's another reason why I don't want to go back. I'm paranoid. Naruto said he looked like he was older. Maybe by the time I go back, he will have graduated.
"Did you get a rape kit done?" Itachi asks.
"No," I whisper. "I think he used a… condom…"
"Still –" he starts, but I cut him off.
"I KNOW!" I shout and my voice sounds so fucking high-pitched. "I KNOW I should have gotten it done! I know there could have been trace amounts of SOMETHING that could have been used, but I didn't! I felt too sick to move and when I finally felt slightly better, the first thing I wanted to do was shower!" I sniffle and swipe at my eyes. "There was no case, Itachi. Nothing like this ever goes to trial, so it doesn't fucking matter."
"That's not true," Itachi insists, "we would have represented you. Our whole family would have been on that case night and day until we made something of it."
"It doesn't matter anyway." I cross my arms. "I couldn't have gotten a rape kit done even if had I wanted to. I didn't even remember what had happened until I had already showered multiple times! The drug fucking wiped my memory for like an entire week!"
Itachi brings a hand to his forehead and stares at the ground. He looks like he's thinking. He's probably going to try to fix this, although there's literally no way he can.
He covers his mouth and knits his eyebrows together, then looks back to me. "Do you have any proof at all?" he asks.
"Literally no," I say honestly.
"That makes things difficult," he murmurs.
"No shit," I retort.
"Look, we'll figure something out."
"I don't want to!" I seethe. "I just… I want to feel better!"
I wish I could rewrite that entire night. But I can't. There's nothing anyone can do. Nothing will ever be okay because something was taken from me and it's not the kind of thing that can be taken back so easily.
"I can get you in to see a really good therapist," Itachi says. "I'll make the calls. You won't have to do anything except show up."
I shake my head. "It's too hard to talk about…"
"But you're talking about it to me just fine," he says.
"Well, I don't want to talk to strangers."
"Therapists aren't strangers," Itachi explains, sounding annoyed. "You can't think of it like that."
I don't understand why he's getting frustrated with me for not wanting to go about this his way. It's not about him. It's not fucking about him at all.
"Stop it," I say to him firmly. "I didn't tell you just so you could lecture me on all the stuff I've fucked up on. I'm dealing with it my way."
And my way is not dealing with it at all. For now, at least.
I think I must have gotten my point across because Itachi shuts up. He lets out a heavy sigh and sits down in the chair at my desk, resting his elbows on his knees and propping his head up on his palms.
"What do you want to do, then?" he asks me. "How are you dealing with it?"
Honestly, I'm not. I'm just pushing it aside every time it creeps up on me. I don't really know how to make it easier.
I think Itachi senses this because he sighs again and then continues with, "Let me know if you change your mind. I think therapy would help you. I know some good doctors."
"Okay," I mumble.
"Until then, my door is always open," he adds. "You can talk to me whenever you feel like it."
"Okay," I repeat in the same, dull tone.
"I will vouch for you if Mom and Dad give you a hard time."
"Don't tell them!" I add quickly.
"I won't," he promises, "but you should."
I scoff loudly. Yeah, right! Like that would go over well. My dad would probably just blame me and my mom would just get upset.
Itachi watches me for a moment longer, but when I don't say anything he takes his leave. He's probably sensing that I want to be left alone right now.
I lean back into my pillows and let out a huff. This is exactly the opposite of how I wanted my day to go down. I really wasn't planning on telling Itachi. I wasn't planning on telling Karin either, though.
Rolling over, I pick my phone up off my bedside table and see that I have a new text from Naruto.
I tap in my passcode and go to the messages app. It's an emoji of a piece of pizza with a question mark after it.
I send him back one of a plate of spaghetti. A second later a "read" notification pops up followed by the three grey dots that let me know he's typing.
"Want to come over for dinner?" his message appears.
I contemplate it, trying to decide if it's worth the trek.
"Is Kiba there?" I ask a moment later.
I don't know if I even really care if he is. I don't want to be home right now, no matter what. I'd much rather deal with a moody asshole than my dad coming home and whaling on me.
Naruto responds and says he's not but he might return later. I tell him that's fine and he says he'll pick me up in an hour.
I don't know what to do until then. I feel restless and I start to realize that I don't really want to be alone right now. I leave my room and I debate on going to find Itachi again, but when I do his office door is closed. He's probably busy. He's probably studying for upcoming trials.
I don't bother opening the door. I head back to my room and pick up my phone, putting it in my pocket before going downstairs. I get a glass of water in the kitchen and then I go to the reading room. I pick up a book, but then I get bored after a page. Instead, I pick up a photo album.
I hate these fucking things. They just make me depressed. I leaf through pages and pages of me and Itachi and my parents and my cousins and my aunts and my uncles. Everyone I smiling curtly or not smiling at all.
I put the photo album back and then sit still.
Everything that's happened today is making me feel incredibly anxious and I'm not sure how to get myself to calm down.
I stare at the wall, trying to focus on one point to ground myself with.
I shouldn't be surprised that my parents reacted poorly, but I can't help but feel disappointed.
I'm their son and they should trust my judgement, right? I haven't given them very many reasons not to. I suppose they could count my poor grades last semester as a reason, but I don't. All of this is connected. They could probably figure that out if they paid any attention.
As I sit, thoughts keep racing through my head. I wonder if I had phrased things differently if they would have taken it better. I wonder if I had told them earlier…
Maybe Itachi is right—I should just tell them what happened.
No. I can't tell them.
The doorbell rings.
I glance around the room quickly and up at the clock on the mantel. I guess an hour passed.
I feel like this has been happening to me more recently.
I stand up and make my way to the front door, opening it slightly to see Naruto hanging out on our front stoop.
"Hey!" he exclaims as soon as he spots me. "Ready to go?"
Immediately I notice that he's sporting a newly acquired nose splint.
"What the fuck happened to you?" I ask in astonishment, opening the door the rest of the way and eyeing the bruising under his eyes and extending up between his eyebrows.
"Oh don't worry about that," he laughs, waving a hand at my dismissively, "I'll tell you about it later."
Warily I step out the front door and close it behind me, following him down the driveway. I can't stop staring at his face. It looks like it hurts.
I'm still dressed like shit, but I don't give a fuck – especially not if we're going to be hanging at his house all night. He's seen me at my worst many times – all gross and crying. I doubt I need to try and impress him. Even if I wanted to, it would be pointless. If someone sees you looking your worst, their opinion probably isn't going to change. If they still want to hang out with you, then they probably aren't judging you too harshly. I know Naruto isn't judging me, but I still feel bad when I think about these things.
We walk to his car and he asks me what I feel like eating. I tell him I am up for anything. He smirks slightly, probably expecting the typical response.
When we settle in his car, he asks me, "You okay?"
"Totally fine," I insist.
"You sound… I dunno," he trails off. "You sound kinda upset."
"Had a rough day so far," I tell him vaguely, hoping he'll leave it at that but knowing he probably won't. "So, I'm glad you asked me to come over," I add, hoping he'll be satisfied.
"Your parents?" he presses.
"Pretty much," I reply vaguely. I don't really want to get into this with him. I just want to stop thinking about it.
"Sucks they're so hard on you," Naruto says, turning his key in the ignition. "You don't deserve it."
"Yeah…" I mumble.
He's right. I don't deserve it. There's nothing wrong with me wanting to take time off. It's not like I want to quit altogether. I'm still determined to get my degree and there will still be a job waiting for me at the family law firm regardless of if I finish in three years or four.
We drive for a while longer and once we start to get closer to his apartment, Naruto side-eyes me.
"Does take-out sound okay?" he questions. "I don't really feel like cooking tonight."
"That's fine," I tell him.
"Thai?"
I nod. "Let me get it this time," I say, pulling out my phone, "You always pay."
He smirks. "I don't mind."
I give him a dull look. "Well, I do."
"Too bad," he retorts simply.
Soon enough, we pull into the parking lot of a Thai restaurant.
"This place is great," Naruto says.
"I haven't been here before," I admit as we approach the front and scan a takeout menu. "What's good?"
"Do you like tofu? They have some good tofu dishes," he says, pointing to various dishes. "They also make great ginger chicken."
"Oh, uh…" I murmur, scanning the menu. There are so many things and I don't know which one to choose. "Fuck, I don't know. You can pick something for me. I'm not fussy."
"You sure?" he asks.
I nod and Naruto orders for us. He gets me basil tofu and he gets himself some kind of chicken dish. We wait around after he pays and I decide to ask him, "What are we doing to do tonight?"
"Whatever you want to do," he says. "I don't have much planned. I just wanted to hang. It's always more fun to laze around with another person."
"True…" I agree.
"We can watch a movie," he suggests, "Or play a game maybe. I have a pretty good selection of board games I've been collecting since I was a kid."
"Can we play with two people?" I ask, watching the woman behind the counter shuffle around and bring various orders out of the back room.
"Well…" Naruto brings a hand to his thin thoughtfully, "Maybe we can play a game if Kiba comes back and decides not to act like a dick."
I snort, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye. "You think Kiba would play a board game with me?"
"Maybe." He shrugs. "He's been watching himself more lately."
"You give him a lecture?" I wonder.
"Sort of." Naruto lets out a strained laugh. "I think you two could actually get along if you knew one another better."
I raise an eyebrow. "Maybe let's stick to a movie."
He smiles wryly. "Okay."
When our food is done, we head back to the car and ride back to his apartment. I want to talk to him about the fact that we kissed, but I don't really know how to bring it up. I don't know if I should or if I should leave it. If I do bring it up, what would be the right time?
It makes me feel juvenile to be so unsure. I don't like it. I have no control over this sensation and I don't like it at all.
I want to know what he thinks of me. Does he just think I'm hot? Does he think something more? He said I was the entire package, but was he speaking objectively? Subjectively?
Naruto unlocks his apartment door and we head in. He sets the takeout bag on the coffee table in the living room and then asks, "Want a drink?"
"Water is fine," I say and he disappears into the kitchen as I take a seat on the sofa.
I rub my forehead, trying to calm down. I should just try and enjoy my time with him for what it is. We're friends. I should be satisfied with that much.
When he returns, he has two cups of water. He hands me a glass and then sits down beside me.
"So…" I mumble, eyeing his nose and hoping that he'll give me a more direct answer now that we're in a private setting, "What happened with…that?"
Naruto chuckles. "You don't want to hear about all that. It's dramatic."
"Did someone punch you?" I press. I wonder if it's someone I know and if Naruto was mouthing off.
"Sort of…" He tilts his head to the side. "I mean, yeah. Someone punched me."
He leans forward and picks his takeout container out from the bag, popping off the plastic lid and sticking his fork in it.
"Why?" I ask, grabbing my food as well.
"I punched them first." Naruto admits. His voice is strained, like he's struggling with what he's telling me. It sounds like he's frustrated but also embarrassed.
"Was it Kiba?" I huff. Was that what Naruto meant when he said he sort of gave him a lecture?
"No, no." Naruto shakes his head.
"Then…?"
Naruto lets out a heavy sigh. "It was Kiba's cousin, Hiro. That guy I was telling you about that's a super douche?"
I feel myself frown. "Why would he punch you…?"
"Because he's fucking NUTS!" Naruto explodes angrily, suddenly sounding ridiculously angry at the situation. He grits his teeth, staring down into his food container. "I couldn't fucking help it… I punched him and then he punched me. God, I didn't even use all of my strength. He did, though."
"Damn," I murmur. "Are you okay, though? I mean, like… emotionally and shit?"
"Aw," he says with a little laugh. "Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks. I am just annoyed for Kiba's sake. His cousin is a real sore piece of work."
"He sounds like it…" I reply. "Why is he like that?"
"Dunno," Naruto mumbles.
I feel like he probably does have some semblance of an idea, but I probably don't have any right to know. It's not my business, after all.
"It's whatever," he says bitterly. "I had to go the hospital and get my nose set. God that was a fucking pain in the ass. But it happened and now it's done."
"So why did you…?" I press, knowing that Naruto isn't generally the type to get unreasonable angry. "Why did you punch him in the first place? Other than him being a jerk."
"He just kept mouthing off," he answers quickly. "He was being rude and I told him to get out and he didn't so I fucking socked him."
That sounds like a shockingly underwhelming reason, but I guess I don't know exactly what Hiro was saying. From the sound of it, Naruto doesn't want to tell me.
"It's fine, I won't be seeing any more of him," Naruto concludes.
"No?" I take a bite of my food.
Naruto shakes his head. "I told Kiba not to invite him over."
"That's fair." I shrug.
"I don't know what he was fucking thinking," Naruto hisses, sounding like he's mostly saying it to himself.
I decide not to pry. A moment later, he grabs the remote and asks me what I want to watch.
"I don't care," I say. "Anything. You can pick."
"Jeez, you're permissive today."
Naruto puts on some crappy looking slasher. It's not exactly my cup of tea, but I did tell him he could pick, so I decide not to complain.
"Kiba will probably be home around six or seven," Naruto says. "He had service dog training shit today and he usually wastes time coming home afterwards."
"Okay," I reply.
"Shit is so messed with Kiba lately…" Naruto adds, saying it almost like it's an afterthought. "I don't know why… Maybe it's worse 'cause we slept together again. I don't fucking know."
That surprises me. I didn't think he was going to do it with him again, but I guess I was wrong. I try not to look too disheartened, but it fucking hurts to hear.
"It was so fucking awful," he tells me, bringing a hand to his forehead, "He even like, initiated things, and I thought everything would be fine because he seemed into it. Then it turned into this giant fucking mess."
"Hm," I murmur. I want to tell Naruto that that's what he gets for playing with peoples' feelings. I hardly even feel bad for him. I told him Kiba was going to get attached if they kept messing around like that.
"I told him no way, never again." Naruto scowls. "It was too much and he agreed. So that's the end of that."
I blink. "He agreed?" I ask.
"Yeah." Naruto shrugs. "It was pretty obvious that the setup we had wasn't working for either of us."
The answer feels vague. I feel like somehow I'm not getting the whole story. It doesn't fit what I've heard so far for Kiba to just back down like that.
"Why, though?" I pry. "Did he catch feelings or something?"
"No, no…"
"Then what?"
I don't get why they would risk their friendship over something like this. He keeps insisting Kiba doesn't have feelings for him, but what else would explain their situation?
"It's complicated," Naruto says. "It's just… It was a bad situation from the start. We weren't doing it for the right reason. Well, he wasn't, at least…"
I don't really know what he means by that.
"Then why was he doing it?"
Naruto wrinkles his nose. "Honestly, I don't really know. I feel like he was doing it to screw himself over and I don't really want to be a part of that… Like, some messed up coping mechanism that he always ended up regretting." He lets out a bitter laugh. "Doesn't that sound fucked up as hell?"
"Yeah… but I can understand it," I admit.
He raises an eyebrow at me but doesn't ask. "I could never do something like that," is all he says, "It's impossible for me to do shit I don't want to do. I have a hard enough time doing shit I DO want to do."
I guess he's just never felt that low.
I turn back to my food and pick at it a little bit. It's fine, but not as good as what Naruto cooks at home. Next time I'll tell him I prefer what he makes.
Naruto turns the volume back up on the movie and glues his eyes to it. He doesn't seem like he wants to talk about this anymore, which is fair. I don't really want to either. Thinking about Kiba and Naruto hooking up just makes my chest hurt.
We finish eating and we continue watching the movie. It makes me feel a little jumpy. This is why I don't like horror movies. Naruto laughs every time I jolt. Well, I'm glad HE finds it funny because I sure don't.
By the time the movie is over, Naruto scrolls through the TV guide to try and find something else to watch. Before he can settle on anything, the front door opens and Kiba waltzes in with his dog.
"Kiba," Naruto greets immediately. "Wanna play a board came with us?"
Great.
"…I guess," Kiba mumbles, unhooking Akamaru's vest.
And so that's what we do. Naruto ends up choosing scrabble and the three of us play.