Disclaimer: All characters (that you recognise) and settings belong to J.K. Rowling the author of Harry Potter. Anything you don't recognise belongs to me.

Story title: In the Beginning/ The art of Grief

Authors note: Ok, so I'm having a bit of a 'update like crazy' phase- unfortunately this will be the last one, until I write the next. I do have bit and pieces from later chapters and I do know where this fic is going, so keep a look out! If Not in the next two weeks, def next month… honestly!

Chapter 20: Memories, Tears and The Truth.

Lily's POV

Wow, is it good to make him smile, even if it isjust for a short while. For just those few seconds, the line between his eyes disappears, and a small spark of light jumps into his eyes. I can tell he is worried about more than just his friends, I'm just not entirely sure what.

"So," I begin cautiously, "You going to go see if your friends are up?"

"I was just going to swing by and see if they needed anything." He replies nodding, "In fact better go to the kitchens first."

"Want some company?" I ask, hoping he will say yes, for despite the number of years that had passed I still care deeply about them all.

"Sure." He replies, swinging his legs out from under the table, before we set off together.

It is clear that his mind is else where, because after we've been to the kitchens, he is quiet for virtually the whole journey, and when we reach the stairs leading to the boys dormitory, he strides up them without stopping.

As he opens the door, I gently touch his shoulder.

"I'm going to wait out here, alright?"

Nodding mutely, he enters the room, but neglects to close the door.

"James?" I hear him call ask as he enters the room.

From the immediate reply, I know that James was already up.

"Did it really happen Rem? It was all just a nightmare, right?….. Right?" asks a voice filled with pain that I recognised as Potter's.

Remus clearly finds it too painful to answer, but his silence says it all to me, and clearly so to James, because before long I can hear the sobs of grief that echo through the room, chilling me to the bone.

The creaking of springs tells me that Remus has sat down, and soon I hear him speaking softly to James.

"It will be alright Prongs. You just have to get through these few days. Why don't you eat something?"

James mutters a muted response that I can't hear, but it is clearly negative given Remus' reply.

"Well, I'll just leave it here."

With that the bed springs creaked again, as one of the boys gets up.

"Padfoot?" whispers Remus, his voice now softer, telling me he has moved further into the room.

There is no reply, and footsteps tell me that Remus has once again moved.

"Where's Peter?"

"He left earlier." Responds James tiredly.

"I'll see you later Prongs."

Further footsteps tell me that Remus is heading back to me. Moving away from the door, so it won't appear that I have been eavesdropping, I pretend to be occupied by staring avidly in the other direction. Yep, subtle Lil, real subtle.

Remus however doesn't appear to notice-instead he sets of immediately, clearly forgetting that I was waiting for him.

Picking up my bag, I immediately set of hurriedly behind him, automatically straightening my skirt as I do so.

"Hey!"

Remus turns so sharply that he almost falls down the stairs. Steadying himself quickly, he casts me an apologetic smile, studiously ignoring the smirk that graces my features.

The day drags on, and not one person that I speak to, does not mention the tragedy of the night before.

At regular intervals throughout the day I ask Remus how his friends are doing, and each time it seems to me that they get more and more negative as the day wears on. And as it does so, despite the number of years that have passed, I feel my concern growing for those boys who had once been my closest friends.

Despite this, when the day finally comes to a close, I find it impossible to accompany Remus up to his dormitory.

"Maybe they'd appreciate their privacy." I mutter vaguely, refusing to meet his eyes, before mumbling an excuse and hurrying off to my dorm.

James POV:

Mooney's coming back, I can hear his footsteps on the stairs. That oh so familiar footfall, that I'm actually surprised I can recognise.

I watch him as he comes in, aware that his werewolf senses will tell him I'm awake. Nevertheless I remain lying down, and close my eyes hoping he will believe my pretence of sleep.

Whether he is aware of my thoughts or not, mine is not the bed he heads towards after a quick scan of the room.

"Pete?" he whispers softly, opening the hangings around my friend's bed. Peter makes no attempt to respond, though there is no chance of him being asleep, not in that curled up position that he's in with his knees tucked in.

"Wormtail?" repeats Remus patiently, though I hear the increase in concern that enters his voice. "I heard you walked out on Calista in Potions. Are you alright?"

Only now does Peter turn his face to us, and I know that both Remus and I are horrified by the tears we watch slowly trickle down his face.

Reaching out, Remus places an arm on our friends' shoulder that is quickly shrugged off. Without waiting for Remus to say anything, Peter pulls his hangings around his bed, forcing Remus to move quickly out of the way.

I watch in surprise. Never before has Peter treated Remus as such, and I feel anger swell up inside me, imagining that Remus is hurt by our friends' actions. Instead when Remus turns to face me, catching my eye before I can once more pretend to be asleep, I see understanding in his eyes, with more than a touch of concern mixed in.

I expect Remus to come over to me next, but instead he moves away once more, towards the last bed in the furthest corner of the room.

"Sirius." He calls as he once more opens the hangings around a bed. Unlike either Peter or I, Sirius is sitting upright in his bed, and again unlike us, he is the only one who seems ready to talk to Remus.

"You alright?" Asks Remus hesitantly, moving away slightly to perch on his own bed.

At Sirius nod, Remus smiles a little, but suddenly-yet again I feel a surge of anger well up. Of course he's all right. It's not his parents that are gone. It's not him that's lost a brother who he loved more than anyone or him that lost his own family in one fell swoop.

Using all my self-control, I am able to prevent myself from screaming at my two friends who sit there, so close to me but yet so far. And then, just as quickly as it had come, I feel the anger seep away and give way to despair.

Sirius didn't even know the whole story. He didn't understand why I felt so torn apart. But he could, a small voice inside of me reminds me. He could, if I let him.

But I couldn't bear it. Couldn't bear to see the look of horror that would haunt his face, followed swiftly by the despair that so closely mirrored mine.

Looking up I catch Sirius's eye and manage a small smile. He, on the other hand looks at me deeply, staring as though he is able to see through me, and see into my soul.

Remus' voice however drags his attention elsewhere.

"You coming down for dinner?"

"Hmm.. Oh ye. I guess I should." Replies Sirius uncertainly.

"Right then." Says Remus as he raises himself off his bed, and waits for Sirius to do the same. "Do you want anything?" he asks as he turns to face me, knowing that I will not want to join them.

Shaking my head, I watch as they both leave the room, their heavy footsteps softening gradually as they head towards the common room.

With only myself for company, I turn over, willing my loud thoughts to quieten, to allow me that little bit of peace, and somehow, by some miracle they do, allowing me to fall into a deep but uneasy sleep.

When I finally wake, it's dark and the world around me is silent. Turning as quietly as possible, so as not to wake my roommates, I peer cautiously at my watch, and am able to make out the two hands, despite the intense darkness, 1:30am.

Christ it's late. Moving quietly again I sit up, and suddenly realise how hungry I actually am. Pulling my hangings open, I sit up ready to grab my invisibility cloak and head down to the kitchen when I become aware of an object on my dresser. Looking closer I realise that it appears to be food from the kitchen, and next to it is a note written in that all too familiar scrawl.

Thought you might be hungry. Sorry if it's cold.

---Rem.

Typical Remus, I think with not a little fondness. Always looking out for me, it's amazing how well he knows each of us, how well we all know each other.

Reaching out I grab the food that Remus has left for me, and am surprised by how quickly it disappears. Feeling slightly rejuvenated, and fully aware that I won't be able to sleep, I slip on my robe and slippers and sneak downstairs, down to the warmth and comfort of the common room.

Settling into the comforting familiarity of my favourite sofa facing the fire, I unconsciously relight the dying fire with a quick charm, and stare unseeingly into it, a thousand memories running like a silent movie through my mind.

A 7-year-old Caty stands in front of me, her dark pigtails swinging buoyantly, as she smiles excitedly.

"Come on Jamie!" she calls, as she turns and runs on excitedly ahead.

I hurry behind her, my 3-year-old legs struggling to catch up with her longer, more able ones. Eventually the whole effort becomes too much for me and I topple over, my tiny legs going right over the top of my head.

I'm ready to cry with despair, before a pair of hands reach over and help me up. Looking up I stare into the deep blue eyes of Mickey, whose dark hair falls lazily into his eyes. Even at the age of 11, he seems far older than I'll ever be, and I absolutely idolise my elder brother.

"You ok Jay?" he asks, before lifting me onto his soldiers and setting off at a jog. As the surroundings hurry past my tired eyes, I feel myself drifting off, until I once again feel my tiny body change hands.

Without opening my blurry eyes, I immediately recognise the familiar feel of my mother. Nuzzling my head into her soft perfumed neck, and slotting my tiny thumb into my mouth, I quickly fall asleep again.

Feeling the tears welling up in my eyes, I barely pause to brush them impatiently away, before my next memory overwhelms me.

"Where's my boy?" booms a familiar jovial voice at the end of the all too familiar corridor. Hurrying down the familiar corridor at Potter Manor, I hurry into the waiting arms of my father. Still, like any other 5 year old, awed by his height, his easy smile, and familiar face. No sooner do I enter his arms, that my feet leave the ground as he swings me endlessly around.

Laughing with glee, I clutch even tighter around his neck, my body securely held between his strong arms, and my face nestled safely on his head.

My time alone with my father ends quickly, and before I know it my brother and sister are on top of my father, each tugging at one of his long legs, forcing my father to cease his spinning. He readjusts me to fit into the crook of his arm, as my mother appears, her smile like those of my siblings and I lighting the whole room, he pulls her too him, and gives him a deep kiss, despite the presence of us children.

This time I don't even bother to attempt to stem the flow of tears that trickle down my cheeks. My love for my family overwhelms me. Our parents were always so proud of their children, so fond of each other, never ashamed to display their love in public. Suddenly I miss them so much more than I did before. How could they be gone, how could she have left me? Left us all?

My thoughts are dragged away from my memories, by the sound of footsteps that echo around the previously silent common room.

Forgetting the tears that lie scattered down my cheeks, I automatically peer upwards, and am surprised to recognise the fiery red hair, and the emerald green eyes that stare penetratingly back at me.

Lily Evans.

"Couldn't sleep?" she asks me quietly, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had settled upon the room.

Nodding my head, I return to my vacant staring into the fireplace. Expecting her to be unnerved by my presence, especially since the whole school was aware of my loss and the tragedy that had struck my life, I waited for her to return to her dorm.

I'm half way into my previous dream-like state, before I become aware of her taking up a seat opposite me, her vivid green eyes penetrating into mine.

Dragging my mind away from the past and into the present, I avert my eyes, hoping that she will take the hint

"James?"

Maybe not then. Tact never was high on Lily's agenda.

"Hmm?"

"I just wanted to say I'm really sorry to hear about your family." She uttered softly, her voice nearly breaking.

I'm startled to hear the pain in her voice, and turned abruptly to face her, watching her as she struggled with her emotions.

Noticing me, with great effort she continues to voice her thoughts.

"They helped me. Carmen and Micky took me in when I had no one else. Your mother made me welcome every holidays, even though more often then not I rejected her offer." She continued, her voice laced with regret.

"Your family became my own. Carmen my sister, Micky my brother and your mum…"

Lily cut of sharply, not just overcome by her tears, but I fear by the sudden look of anger in my eyes.

Suddenly I can bear it no long, getting up I move to sit next to Lily, and take her gently into my arms.

Here was a girl who I'd know for 5 long years. Five years filled with laughter, heartbreak and tears. First year we'd been inseparable companions, yet the second year I could barely look at her. The years that had followed had been increasingly more painful. I'd watched her grow, knowing that my pride had grown out of hand, but unwilling to even try to control it. Yet here we were, brought together by the same thing that had torn us apart, death.

Eventually I become aware of the tears that trickle down my face, mingling with hers before falling silently onto our wet shirts.

We must have sat here for five minutes at least before she finally pulls away, and as she does so I am horrified to discover that the tears flowed even faster from my eyes.

As I look into her eyes, and see the growing concern inside them, I find myself sharing the biggest burden I had ever held my whole life. The secret that is tearing my apart inside, despite the fact that only one day had passed since it has torn into my life.

"It was Caty." I whisper, surprised to hear my voice so husky.

"Caty?" asks Lily confused, for she like everyone else is clearly aware that my sister is the last remaining member of my family.

I don't answer. I can't answer; instead I turn my head and return to my initial staring of the now dying embers of the fire.

The silence between us lengthens, and I feel Lily's eyes boring into me. Finally she can take it no longer, reaching over she turns my head to face her, lifting my chin so I am forced to look her in the eye.

"Tell me James." She whispers, knowing that I need to get it off my chest. And, it is only then that it hits me. The reason why she can't sleep. It reminds her of the events of first year, the year one man took her parents, and now this same man has stolen mine.

"Caty…she was working for him…for Voldemort." I hiss, surprised at the anger in my voice.

"She was there, when they killed my parents, my aunties, my uncles, my whole goddamn family, each of whom loved her- and she killed them."

As I utter the truth for the first time, I watch the growing horror in Lily's eyes, and I know she is remembering, just as I am, the Caty we use to know, the Caty that protected us, that spent time with us…

"Oh god James." She whispers, taking me into her arms again, and beginning to cry with me.

As I sit there, entwined in her arms, I discover that I'm not sure whom we're crying for. For me? For my family who lost their lives? For Caty the little girl who betrayed us all? Suddenly I'm just not sure but, admittedly it does, by some miracle, it helps.

That's it for this chapter. It was meant to be 2 separate chapters but I changed my mind. So what happens now? Is the friendship reconciled? What will James do to Caty if they meet again?…

Coming up: sixth year- pranks, boys, girls and Voldemort…

please please review if you have a moment, because i'd love to know your thoughts on my writing and plot line! Critiscms welcome!