To Decide
Joe
"I bought a CD of Christmas songs while I was out," she told me and held up the white CD. "They're in Gaelic, but maybe you'll be able to understand some of them."
I smiled at her. "I'm fine with just listening to you sing."
She blushed as she fumbled with the CD player. Then, a song came on. One that I kind of recognized. "What is this?"
"Winter Wonderland," she answered.
"Sing it in English," I requested.
She sighed. "Fine." Then, she started to sing, with the Gaelic woman's singing sounding like background lyrics. "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'? In the lane, snow is glistenin'. A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight. Walkin' in a winter wonderland."
I could picture it. Walking hand in hand with Cayden, walking through the snow as it fell down. Laughing and listening to her sing. Drinking hot chocolate by a fire place. Opening presents on Christmas. Baking cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning. Maybe having a child with her and going through their first Christmas.
Whoa, buddy. You're moving way too fast.
But I couldn't help it. Everything about Cayden screamed that she would be an amazing mother. She could cook and clean and she had taken those cinnamon rolls to the orphanage. She was kind and compassionate and I knew that she would be just what a child needed when it came to being a mother.
Maybe she doesn't want kids, the voice said. Most operatives don't. And for a good reason. Look at what happened to Matt. That could be you. You could leave behind your wife and kid. How do you think that would make them feel?
I shook the thoughts away and focused in on Cayden singing, done thinking about our future for the time being. I decided instead to focus on the present. After all, the present was all that you could ever really count on.
"Gone away is the bluebird. Here to stay is a new bird. He sings a new song. As we go along. Walkin' in a winter wonderland."
I decided that there was no sense in being mad about the job that she had taken. She'd only been doing what was best for the mission – and she had gotten us a way to case the inside. And, she was right; she would have the perfect opportunity to copy Dominic's hard drive because everyone would be in the meeting except for her. I was only concerned for her safety. But, I knew that she was used to working alone, so she wouldn't have seen it as any kind of problem to accept the job. She wasn't used to consulting with a partner.
"In the meadow we can build a snowman. And pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say: Are you married? We'll say: No, man. But you can do the job when you're in town."
Building a snowman. Now that would be fun to do with Cayden. Of course, we would have to wait for actual snow. It had been snowing on and off all week, but the snow was never thick enough to build a snowman out of. But I knew that the snow was coming soon. I had seen the weather reports and I had been in this part of the world during winter once before. It could get pretty brutal. I reminded myself to make sure that we had plenty of firewood stored up in the house just in case the heater broke or something. And flashlights in case the electricity went out. Or maybe candles. Or the firelight would do.
"Later on, we'll conspire. As we dream by the fire. To face unafraid, the plans that we've made. Walkin' in a winter wonderland."
Yes, dreaming by the fire. Sitting on the couch with her right next to me, her head resting on my chest or on my shoulder. Cuddling and just talking, a quilt thrown over us for extra warmth and hot chocolate nearby, maybe some popcorn or some cookies. Yeah, that truly sounded divine. It was like something I'd dreamed of before; something that I had never thought I would have the opportunity to actually do. But I did, now.
"In the meadow we can build a snowman. And pretend that he's a circus clown…"
I had never heard that version before. I smiled.
"We'll have lots of fun with mister snowman. Until the other kids knock him down."
Nope, I had never heard that version before. But I liked it. I had a feeling that I would like anything that Cayden chose to sang. I knew that I was falling in love with her rather quickly. Sometimes it unnerved me a little bit.
"When it snows, ain't it thrillin'? Though your nose gets a chillin'. We'll frolic and play, the Eskimo way. Walkin' in a winter wonderland."
The song ended and I let myself laugh.
"What?" she asked defensively.
"I'm not laughing at you," I told her. "I've just never heard that version of the song before."
"It's the original version," she said. "It was published in nineteen-thirty-four. The composer was Felix Bernard and the lyricist was Richard B. Smith. But people have changed the lyrics as they please."
"How in the world do you know so many random facts?" I asked.
She grinned. "Want to know another?"
"Sure," I shrugged.
"It's illegal to cross the state borders of Iowa with a duck on your head."
I pretended to be disappointed, even though I was dying to roll on the floor and laugh and laugh. You couldn't cross the border with a duck on your head? What if you were just carrying it in your hands? And what kind of duck would sit still on a person's head? And what kind of person would carry one on their head? "Well," I said, totally serious. "There goes my summer vacation."
She laughed, throwing her head back to reveal her graceful neck. And I decided then that I was going to make her fall in love with me. I decided that I would love her forever, no matter what. I decided that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
And when I decide something, it's basically set in stone.
Cayden
"What song should we sing next?" I asked after Winter Wonderland.
"I don't know what's on the CD," he shrugged. "You pick one while I go get your present to put under the tree."
I looked at the list on the back of the CD case and finally picked one. As I was fast forwarding to the track, Joe came in with three boxes wrapped in shiny red paper and stacked on top of each other, tied together with two silver ribbons, tied at the top in a beautiful bow. "I wrapped them myself," he joked as he set them down beside the tree.
"Yeah," I said, rolling my eyes and then found the track that I was looking for.
"What's this one?" he asked as he settled back onto the couch.
"The Twelve Days of Christmas."
"You're joking," he laughed.
I shook my head. "Here it comes."
We both sang along to the song, him in English and I in the same language as the woman on the CD.
"On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a partridge in a pear tree. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: two turtledoves and a partridge in a pear tree. On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: three French hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree. On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree."
"On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: five golden rings! Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree. On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: six geese a-laying, five golden rings! Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree. On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings! Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree. On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings. Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree."
"On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings. Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings. Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves and a partridge in a pear tree."
"On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings. Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves and a partridge in a pear tree."
"On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings. Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves and a partridge in a pear tree."
We finished the song and began to laugh, panting for breath. Finally, when we had regained our composure and I had turned off the CD player, he asked, "Any random facts about this song?"
"Not many," I admitted. "Do you have any?"
He nodded. "When I was ten, the preacher of our church told us that each of the gifts was a religious symbol."
I laughed. "Of what?"
"Well," he began. "True love refers to God."
"Of course," I muttered.
He flashed me a smile before continuing. "The two turtle doves refer to the Old and New Testaments. The three French hens refers to Faith, Hope, and Charity, the Theological Virtues. The four calling birds refer to the Four Gospels and the four evangelists. The five golden rings refer to the first five books of the Old Testament, which gives the history of man's fall from grace. The six geese a-laying refers to the six days of creation. The seven swans a-swimming refers to the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven sacraments. The eight maids a-milking refers to the eight beatitudes. The nine ladies dancing refers to the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit. The ten lords a-leaping refers to the Ten Commandments. Eleven pipers piping refers to the eleven faithful apostles. And the twelve drummers drumming refers to the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed."
I remained completely silent for a few moments, trying to process everything that he had just said. That was a lot to take in.
"Well?" he finally asked, a small smile on his face.
"Well what?" I asked, even though I knew what he meant.
"Well, what do you think?" he clarified, looking closely at my face.
I looked right into his green eyes and said, "I think that's a bunch of crap that religious people make up to make everything about them."
"I think they're trying to make everything about God," he laughed. "But I see your point."
I shrugged.
Then, he kneeled down in front of me to kiss me, slowly and softly. When he pulled away, he whispered, "Let's stay in your room tonight."
I nodded and let him pull me to my feet and lead me up the stairs.