Chapter 20

It was strange for Sweeney Todd to hear those sensitive words coming from his own lips, but it was the truth. Living his life, or rather, what was left of it, did feel like dying. He lived half in the present, half in the past with his family, but the part of him that was left in the past seemed to be fading, leaving only fifty percent of himself to continue living with. Whether that was enough, he didn't know, nor was he certain if things would get better if he killed Judge Turpin.

Perhaps memorizing how happy he once had been wouldn't be so painful anymore if he had punished the one who had taken this all from him. Maybe he would be finally free then to live again. The barber wasn't sure of it, but he hoped it with all his heart. He didn't know if he could survive any longer living like this; every time he fell asleep, he heard Lucy screaming in his head or he saw his little daughter crying. When he stared off in the distance he recalled the heat he had suffered from when he was on Devil's Island or he felt the clubs of the guards hitting his back again and again.

What Sweeney Todd feared most of all, even more than going through all this again, was that brutally murdering Judge Turpin wouldn't make a difference. What if he still would be haunted by nightmares in his sleep, if his mind still would be filled with pain and fear?

Slowly he shook his head, not wanting to think about this and trying to ignore Mrs. Lovett's eyes, in which he read pity, sorrow and so many more things of which he didn't dare to think.

She would be there for him; that was what she had said. How it was possible he didn't know, but when she was near, the pain within him was soothed slightly and he could simply surrender to his own fear and doubts; with her, he could be weak without being punished for it.

The baker must've understood his look and he wondered how much she could actually see in his eyes. She knew him so well, sometimes she seemed to know more about how he felt than he actually did himself.

Mrs. Lovett stepped closer to the barber and moved to place her hand on his shoulder. He stepped back, not wanting her to touch him. Not because he wouldn't like the feeling of her hand, but because he was suddenly afraid that he'd do something he'd regret later if he let her touch him – something like the kiss they had shared, which had ended with so much regret.

So when his landlady stepped closer to him, he stepped back and luckily he remembered the present he had brought her. He had forgotten to give it to her earlier that night and now he hoped that it would make the atmosphere a little bit less personal.

"Mrs. Lovett, I'm not sure this is the right thing to do, but there's something I want you to have. I've been unkind to you in the past and whenever I say something it seems to hurt you, so that's why I brought you this. At least I don't need to say any words for you to understand it."

He took the small book that he had brought earlier from his pocket and handed to her, wondering if it was a good thing or not that her eyes went huge with surprise and her jaw seemed to drop to the floor.

His landlady took the book from his hands and she stared to the front, without bothering to open it, and then looked up at him as if she thought that he was making a joke.

"Is this… for me?"

"Yes," he replied, despite the situation bemused by her reaction.

"Mr. T!" she said, obviously in a pleasant sort of shock. "Thank you so much. I can't describe how glad I am that you gave me this. It's been so long ago that someone gave me something and now it's you who…"

"So you like it?" the barber asked quickly, fearing she would say something that somehow would embarrasses both of them again.

"Of course I do!" she replied firmly, as if anything he'd give her was meaningful to her and the gesture was worth more than the present itself.

Slowly she opened the book and looked at the first page; Sweeney Todd saw a glimpse of a foreign forest on it.

Mrs. Lovett herself was smiling happier than ever and she simply radiated with joy because the barber had given her a present.

Sweeney experienced something deep inside of him, which he hadn't felt for a very long time. One second he forgot about the past en just enjoyed the fact he had done something so human. And not just to a random person, but to the woman who had been taking care of him for so long. He had to admit how well this cheerful smile suited her, it made her look so… beautiful.

She looked to page after page, enjoying the paintings on it.

"Thank you so much," she said, while looking up from the book, their eyes locking again.

"You're welcome, Mrs. Lovett."

She stood up and approached him. Intuitively he wanted to step back but he remained standing there, looking into his landlady's warm eyes.

"I really appreciate it," she said softly. "And I want you to know that."

She moved even closer to him and although he knew what was coming, he couldn't stop her; maybe because secretly he didn't want her to stop.

"Thank you," she whispered in his ear.

And then, her lips brushed his cheek lightly.

Sweeney Todd closed his eyes, almost enjoying the intimacy of the moment, before they snapped open again, realizing that Mrs. Lovett was doing what only his wife was supposed to do. But he didn't really mind – not this time.

He was about to move his hand to stroke her cheek or rest it on her shoulder (he didn't know which option was the most tempting one) to thank her for the first real sign of affection someone had showed him since all these years, but he stopped himself. Maybe because he didn't want to because of Lucy or because he was quite sure that things could escalate if he gave in to his landlady's touch.

Her lips lingered on his skin for several seconds and when she finally distanced herself from him. He sincerely missed her body being so close to his.

"Thank you, Mrs. Lovett," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Thank me? I didn't give you anything!"

"Yes, you did," he answered." Goodnight, Mrs. Lovett."

He left the room, feeling that being longer in her presence would be harder than before and he didn't want to see her curious and comforting eyes; but before he closed the door, he cast one more glance on his landlady.

She was standing in the middle of the room, her hands at her side, clearly not believing what happened. Suddenly he wished he could stay there, just over the threshold, to watch her longer; but he walked back towards his own shop and after arriving there, he sat down in the barber chair.

The silence wasn't enjoyable to him, not after having been in Mrs. Lovett's presence for so long. Reminiscing the past didn't makehim feel better and it frustrated him that

he couldn't remember exactly whatLucy had looked like. He could still feel how Mrs. Lovett's lips caressed his skin. He touched that spot with his hand, like he could recall it that way better.

He should be thinking about the new approach of revenge or about Anthony's attempt to free Johanna or at least, he should try to remember what Lucy looked like. But he didn't think of yellow hair and blue eyes, but of Mrs. Lovett's face – especially her lips. The barber closed his eyes to recall what had happened only days ago, when they kissed for some reason. Although that had happened during a moment of inattention and rage and he wasn't supposed to kiss his landlady in the first place, he could admit now that it had felt very good. It hadn't been a soft and sweet kiss that Benjamin Barker would've liked; the kiss had been passionate instead and perhaps that was the preference of the man he had become.

Sweeney Todd shook his head, unwilling to believe that. Not in a thousand years he could love Mrs. Lovett like he had Lucy.

Yet, his entire being was looking forward to be near Mrs. Lovett again and he didn't realize that he was thinking about his wife as if she was indeed gone.