Chapter 19

Secrets

~My boy, my heart is numbed. I cannot speak to him, or ask questions or look into his face. If he is indeed Odysseus and this is his house, we shall know each other well enough: there are secrets that we two know and no one else."~

The homestead was quiet and calm, a foreign feeling for Michaela, but one she knew she could grow rather used to. The sun had long set, casting the world around them into pitch-blackness, asking the mangled homestead to be lit by lamp and candle. Distant dots of flames scattered across the rooms. Everything seemed to have a golden hue, a glint of radiance.

Michaela crept down the hallway, careful not to disturb either of her children who were lost each in their own worlds. She reached the top of the stairs, hand holding firmly to the banister, a solid, rough reminder that all was reality, and took one-step at a time.

"But he lied, Ma." Matthew's words from hours before radiated in her mind. "Sully's free, he's innocent." Michaela felt her knees weaken and Sully wrapped an arm around her waist, a smile gleaming across his face.

Michaela felt the downward motion of each step she took and relished it. It all seemed like a dream, as if she would wake any second, but the firmness of the wood pressing against the soles of her feet promised her that it wasn't a dream. That and the view as she turned the landing and looked down onto the den. The debris from earlier had been swept aside, the shards of broken glass and wood removed after a few hours of cleaning and all of the salvageable furniture pushed to the corner. Sully and Matthew had fastened blankets to the broken windows so that they would keep until the morning, and Grace brought them dinner while they worked, but now everything was finished for the night. Matthew had gone home and they had managed to make semi comfortable surroundings, something that resembled their home.

At the bottom of the stairs, Michaela turned into the kitchen, pausing at the doorway. The tin washtub that sat to the corner of the room still had steam rising from the cooling water, small spurts of bubbles collected around the tin walls. Sully stood next to the warming fireplace, leaning toward a mirror he had fastened to the side of the mantle, shaving the last of the thickened whiskers from his chin. The glow from the fire cast across his body, turning the browning skin of his chest and arms into a warm gold. A towel, fastened loosely around his waist was his only means of clothing.

Michaela waited as he made the final stroke with the straight razor, carefully gliding the blade over the back hinge of his jaw, his hand following close behind. A signal of completion, Sully reached for the towel lying in front of him, wiping his hands off. As if knowing she was standing there all along, he tilted his head just enough in order to see her, acknowledging her thoughts and promising that they were true. He straightened his head again in order to wipe the last of the soap reside from his cheeks, giving Michaela ample time to appear at his side.

"I brought you something." She whispered, holding up the folded cloth on her open hands.

Finished with his face, Sully turned toward her, his hands hovering over the material once he realized what it was. Nicely folded in her hands lay a pair of his old buckskins and his blue and white striped shirt. "I believe these are yours." She smiled. Sully's hands now moved to lay flat of the striped fabric and pulled if from her hands. He slid his arms into it and glided it up and over his bruised shoulders. He winced slightly at the motion. Michaela too, registered the pain with the broad motions of his body. His hands moved to fumble with the buttons, but stopped. He tilted his gaze up at her so he could see her through his lashes, a boyish grin lighting the years from his face. "Would you do the buttons?"

Michaela felt her heart stop in her chest, the way it used to when they had just started courting, mixing her fear and excitement at the act of touching him. She hadn't touched him, not truly, since that night in the barn. Shifting the buckskins under her arm, her nimble fingers ran the course of his shirt, pausing over his chest once the job was complete. She could feel the warmth of his body radiate under her hand. Every muscle in her body tensed, not wanting to release. Her eyes lifted to his and only then was she aware that her lips were parted, breathing heavier than normal. She shut her mouth and swallowed.

Michaela lifted the buckskins up to him, "I have someone I want you to meet." She whispered.

Michaela was aware as she climbed each step, in awe of the transformation of the man who had been able to fool them all, into her husband, unmistakingly so. She heard the heaviness of his footsteps behind her as she led the way down the hallway pausing at the door to give him a little signal. Wait here. He did.

Sully watched at the doorway as Michaela stepped inside. Katie was curled on the edge of her bed, playing with her dolls; she looked up to her ma who bent over her, Michaela's long coppery hair, falling over her shoulder. Katie absentmindedly reached out and stroked at the strands.

"I have a surprise for you." Little eyes lifted excitedly.

"For me?"

"uh-huh." Michaela held out her arms and Katie willfully fell into them, allowing herself to be carried out of her room.

Sully found himself standing in front of the two most important women in his life, and for the first time since he'd been back in Colorado Springs, he felt nervous. His heart pounded tightly in his chest.

"Katie…" Michaela started, commanding her daughter's attention. "I want you to meet someone very special." Her hand thoughtlessly reached forward to Sully's chest, stroking down the front of his shirt. Katie turned her eyes to the man before her, clean-shaven, wearing buckskins and a blouse, his long hair hanging around his shoulders.

"Is, Mizer 'Awkin." She stated simply, causing Michaela to laugh. Sully had fooled them all, except Katie.

"Katie" Michaela tried to start again, "This is Papa." The instant the words were out, Katie's face shifted to something unnamed. She glanced at Sully, to Michaela and back to Sully. "But you say Papa in Heaven."

"I know I did, but I was wrong. He gets to be here with us."

Blue eyes turned back to Sully, thinking, calculating. Michaela held her breath, waiting to see Katie's next move. Sully seemed to be entranced in his daughter's gaze, his eyes not shifting from hers. Then, suddenly, Katie threw herself into a lean toward Sully, arms reaching for his neck. "You wead me my thtory?" Sully laughed, the swell of his throat bobbing with his smile.

"Sure." Michaela stepped back out of the way, watching father and daughter equally entranced in one another turn toward the little bedroom. Sully stopped by a small bookcase at the end of her bed and, guided by Katie's orders, picked up a book, and then sat them in the old rocking chair nestling Katie close to his body. Michaela reached for the door handle and pulled it to. It was a time for privacy.

Michaela busied herself with securing the house, trying to keep her mind from wondering what story Katie was telling now. Her efforts were fruitless, though; her mind did wander, and she found peace knowing that she could dream about these things as they were happening, not as she wished they could be. She travelled the stairs once more turning for Katie's room and the still cracked door. Before she got to the end of the hallway, though, she passed by Brian's room, the door shut tightly. She paused and lifted a knuckle to tap on the wood.

"Come in."

The door cracked and Michaela stuck her head in. "Are you getting ready to go to bed." She watched as Brian rolled over from where he had been laying on his stomach at the foot of the bed, shutting his book as he did so.

"Yea, it's getting late." His words weren't final, in fact, they were expectant, inviting his ma into the room instead of pushing her out. The door opened, further.

"Today was a rough day."

"Yea,"

"With Howard and everything…." Her voice trailed off as she moved to sit on the edge of his bed, turning to him directly. "Are you ok?"

Brian shrugged; he was silent another minute before speaking. "I just wish ya would a told me." Michaela nodded.

"I understand that, and perhaps we should have. It was my fault. When I first found out, I was so scared that someone would figure something out… I just suppose I didn't know what to do next. Keeping things the way they were seemed best. I suppose that was because it was the easiest."

"Ya know I wouldn a told nobody." Michaela turned to Brian and smiled, reaching out she cupped his face in her hands and planted a kiss to his forehead.

"I know. I forgive me?"

A smile, "yea."

"Ok," there was a moment of silence before Michaela moved, standing from the bed. "I suppose I should let you get to bed." She moved to the door as Brian pulled back the sheets and climbed in.

"Hey ma." He called after her just as the door was about to shut. She poked her head by in the door. "I'm glad he's home. Everything can go back to normal now." Michaela smiled.

Michaela could still hear the quiet methodical whispers emitting from Katie's room, and turned to her bedroom. The filth and sweat of hard work and smoke from the barn fire reeked in her clothing. She was slowly aware that she felt filthy, and the reflection in the mirror was none too kind. Her hair had pulled from the braid, frizzing around her face. Her blouse sagged in one direction, and dirt smudged the front of her skirt. Her fingernails were dark with soot caking her cuticles. Weariness lessened the opening of her eyes. She thought about Sully's bathwater down stairs, mentally calculating how long it would take to heat more water, but quickly dismissed the idea. She was too tired, the skin down the left side of her body aching with the strain of the day. She had bruises; she could feel them when she moved. Stepping over to the corner of the room, she poured a pitcher of fresh water into the basin, dipping her hands into the cold liquid and watching, as it turned milky with dirt, she splashed some on her face before moving to unbutton her blouse.

Her movements were methodical, her hands belong to a doctor, caring for the strained skin, cleaning the dirt away, but the more dirt that washed away, the more she could see the ivory skin that peered from underneath the dust and grime, the more she felt like herself, not a doctor but a woman.

Sully. Her mouth went dry. She could feel him close to her, remembering his warmth in the kitchen, the sight of his smooth face, his long hair. She knew instinctively the gentle motion of his arms as he pulled Katie form her, cradling her in his strong hands, protecting. The cool water ran down her skin but she felt nothing but warm. The fact that they hadn't truly kissed, or touched was now concrete. His death was over, now came life. She reached for her brush, pulling her hair through the coarse bristles, smoothing it into a nice silky sheen.

When all was said and done, she looked at her reflection in the mirror. She recognized herself, from her shimmering hair to her glowing skin, the rosy hue in her cheeks. She recognized herself in a way that she hadn't for two years. There were so many things they needed to talk about, what happened on the mountain, Howard, the deception. Now that all was said and done, she was feeling new, things, stronger. She needed to talk, but talking was for a new day, the first day of the beginning, not the last day of the end. Michaela dabbed two drops of perfume under the hinge on each side of her jaw. She then reached for her robe, feeling it slip over her shoulders and knotting it at her waist. She had enough time to light a fire and to move her soiled clothes to the edge of the room when she heard the door open behind her. Two slow steps entered the room and the door clicked shut. The movements were heavy.

Michaela turned to find she what she expected, she saw Sully motionless by the door, his hand still wrapped around the knob. His eyes were taunt, sad, a crystal boarder lining the bottom of his eyelids. His lips disappeared into his mouth as he chewed on the skin, trying to control everything that coursed through his body.

Katie had fallen asleep in his arms halfway through their story. Her smile still stretched across her lips, her hands grasping his sleeve. He'd sat for the longest time, rocking her, watching her. He tried to remember her laugh, her funny stories, her smile, but her emotionless face gave no hint of these things. And suddenly Sully realized that he didn't know the child he held in his arms. He'd been able to pretend over the past two days that he knew enough to walk back into her life. He had watched her from afar and played with her before dinner, but that wasn't enough. It wasn't enough for any of them, for Katie or Brian or Michaela. Michaela turned form her place in the corner and his mouth went dry. He felt the strength he had been carrying on his shoulder drop to the floor. He needed to feel that not all was lost.

Michaela said nothing, but instead gravitated toward him, as if the hurt that radiated in his eyes pulled her to him, urging her to comfort him. He stepped into her, a hand lifting to the edge of her face, hovering, not touching, but feeling the warmth emitted from her body. He felt the soft baby hairs around her ears prickle against his skin. His eyes scanned the lines of her face, for the first time, really seeing her as she did to him in the barn. He scanned her forehead and the small indent of wrinkled, the curve of her nose, the high bones of her cheek. His hand lowered to the curve of her neck, still not touching, and down the length of her body.

Michaela's eyes watched him intently, feeling his movement, his hands brushing across the fine hairs across her cheek and neck. As his fingers followed the curve of the fabric crossed over her chest, her eyes dropped shut feeling his heat.

Sully leaned forward, almost touching her cheek with his, his left hand smoothing softly down the mane of hair, conforming to the curve of her back. He took a deep breath and released, smelling the aroma of her perfume. He sighed. "How did I forget the way you smell?" Michaela closed the distance between them a little more, but still left space. His fingers threaded through her hair at the temples, combing through the soft strains.

Her smell, her face, her hair, somehow he had forgotten. Her memory had become faded in his mind and he never realized that he'd forgotten, but he had. He had lived the past two weeks as he worked, for his family safety, not taking the time to feel for himself, but now everything hit him at once. He couldn't' breath as it all settled on his chest.

He felt her presence so close and reveled the security, not wanting to take more, but feeling his own desires grow by the minutes. Finally, he let his fingers gently touch the top of her arm, feeling the smoothness of the fabric of her robe, the other hand reached for her belt. The material was released with a sigh, pulling away from her shoulders and dropping to the floor. Sully's body groaned at her beauty, her sheer perfection.

Michaela's breath came in gasping spurts, her breasts brushing against the fabric of his shirt. She could read everything in his eyes, his need for rest and his inability to stop and take it. Struggling to find her voice, she whispered his name. It was the only thing said between the two of them, and yet it was his undoing. As he heard her words break the silence, the gap between them closed, firm arms pressed her to him, lifting her nearly off her feet as a harsh mouth captured her lips in a bruising kiss. Their movements were strong and thick, as if they moved through molasses trying to find their way. Michaela bent backwards over the strong arm thrust into her back. Her arms reach up and around, hugging the muscular torso to her, feeling his body through the thin layer of his shirt. Her arms cradled around his head as his frantic kisses left her mouth, trailing down her jaw and then her neck stopping at her collarbone.

"How could I forget the way ya smelled?" He gasped, pulling her to him, crushing her against his body.

"Things fade with time." She breathed huskily, searching for his mouth, nuzzling the side of his head.

"Nnnot this." He pressed into his words like a groan spitting them out as if saying them were painful. "Never this." He turned to her, his mouth finding hers in the flickering light of the fire.

Breaths heaved and growled, harsh hands rough across already sensitive skin. There was no time to stop, to slow down, to feel every second of what was culminating between them. The pressure to two years of cold beds and lonely dreams built around them, leaving no room for air or thoughts, just motion. Michaela's hands grouped for the edge of his shirt, tugging it over his head, throwing it behind them all the while feeling her own body dragged toward the bed.

Sully felt her kisses on his face, fast and fluttering, never staying to long. Her arms hugged the mass of his shoulders, nails digging into his back. There was pleasure in the pain, a grounding that brought him to the present. Not a dream, his mind chanted and yet he still couldn't believe it. While usually their love was slow and indulgent, their union held urgency as if they each were trying to fill enough to live a lifetime. Sully's hands were frantic, running across the soft yet muscular curves of her body, pulling her closer, as if by some chance they could actually unit into one body, and she clutched to him as if they were both drowning in the merciless waves that battered them against reality. Her body tensed and contorted as the intensity swept over her, leaving her breathless. Sully held her close and suddenly with the constriction of his arms around her shoulders, they both relaxed.

The room was filled with the sound of their heaving breath. Neither moved, neither had the energy. Sully lay, balanced on his elbow, his head dropped, and Michaela's eyes were shut, both trying beyond hope to calm their aching lungs. After a second, her eyes fluttered open once more, and were filled with the crystal blueness of his gaze. His brow was knit, eyes pleading. His mouth was stretched in a contortion of pain, but not physical pain. He felt a thousand knives stabbing his soul for everything he had put her through.

Wordlessly, Michaela raised her arm and threaded her fingers through his hair. Gently, she tugged him down toward her chest. He found his footing there, lying between her legs, his head pressed firmly against her heart. Her hand moved across his scalp, threading through his hair, sending a tingling sensation to his toes. When the journey was complete, her hand came to rest across his eyes, acknowledging the tears that could not flow. His hand moved to cover hers, pressing her touch closer to him.

Just as Michaela sought in his arms a shelter in the barn, Sully found safety in her embrace now. Her palm lay flat against his back feeling his throbbing gasps. He felt her shift above him and her smooth lips brush through his hair. She held him, quietly, patiently for what seemed like an eternity before he rolled to the side.

Sully brushed away a strand of hair that stuck to the side of her neck, his eyes scanning her face. "I ached for ya every night." He whispered thickly, and then added, "I'm so sorry."

Michaela didn't reply; Sully wasn't certain if he expected her to or not. He knew that somehow, the knot in his chest could only be dissipated by her, by her words, her forgiveness, but he didn't want it now, so soon. He did however recognized the pained smile that tugged one side of her mouth. Promising that she would not make him wait long. An arm reached out, across his chest, resting over his heart. Michaela moved closer to her body, her head tucking into the hollow of his neck. They fell asleep.

Michaela woke with a jar. She had been having the most wonderful dream about her and Sully. She'd dreamt that they'd taken Katie out to the creek. Sully was trying to teach her to fish, but all she was interested in was playing in the water. Michaela smiled at the thought and reached out to feel the warm body next to her, but all she found was cold sheets. Her eyes popped open and she lifted her head off the pillow, realizing that she had been woken by the shudder of her body in the chilled air. Sully wasn't next to her.

Michaela sat straight up in bed, immediately taking a scan of the room. He wasn't anywhere. Even his clothes were missing from the floor. She clutched the flimsy quilt to her chest and stared, paralyzed at the floor. He wasn't there. Had she dreamt it? Was he not really there? He'd never really come back. She couldn't breathe. Just as she moved to throw a leg over the edge of the bed, the door swung open and Sully emerged fully dressed. He moved to shut the door behind him quietly and paused as he turned to her, realizing that she was awake. Michaela took a deep breath, clasping her hand over her mouth, struggling to keep the tears back, but still her brow tensed under the effort.

"What's wrong?" Sully was instantly at her side, his hand grasping her shoulder.

She shook her head frantically trying to speak. "I thought you were a dream. I thought…" She choked on her words again.

Sully's face fell sheepishly as he admitted. "I wanted ta see Katie again."

"No, of course." She sighed embarrassed at her own imagination. Sully's head tilted in her direction and he considered her fully before asking her, "when was the last time ya slept through the night." Michaela shrugged, shaking her head. She couldn't remember.

Sully stood, pulling his shirt over his head. "Scoot over." He commanded, returning the rest of his clothes to their original place on the floor. "Scoot over… we're gonna sleep." He moved her over with a tap of his hand, climbing in after her. He wrapped his arms around her, encouraging her to lie down, like he would have done Katie.

"Just sleep?" Michaela mumbled, her eyes already growing tired,

"Just sleep."

"And you'll stay?"

"I'll be here when you wake up." Content, she lay over, tucking her back against his chest, feeling his body curl around hers, holding her secure. Her eyes grew heavy and then they closed….

…. When they opened again, Michaela was greeted with the glistening rays of the early morning sun. She'd moved in her sleep, still nestled next to Sully, but now laying on her back. She felt the heaviness of his arms across her stomach before she registered seeing anything else. She stared for a few seconds at the ceiling before feeling the soft breaths that smoothed across her forehead. She turned to the right, and found Sully, still lying still, but with wide eyes. She smiled, stretching her aching body.

"You've been awake long?"

"Just watchin' ya." Her lashes batted against her cheeks and she turned to her side as he propped his head on a stiffening elbow. Her eyes skidded around him, gazing at the clock ticking silently on the mantle, It was six- ten.

"Mmm, we have fifty minutes." She whispered, nuzzling her face back into the pillow.

"Til what?" Her eyes flashed open to watch him.

"Katie always comes in to wake me up on Saturdays. She'll come in about 7"

"Mmm." He sighed his understanding, still falling into watching her, a soft smile playing at his lips. He watched as Michaela blushed under his gaze, which made him smile more. Lazily, Michaela lifted her hand, running her fingers along the edges of the long scare that tore down his cheek.

"What happened there?" She asked simply, and the spell was broken. Sully turned his head from her, rolling to his back, stretching his shoulder out. Now it was Michaela's turn to prop herself up, watching his face as he swallowed.

"Took a rifle blow. It's the last thing I remember. When I first woke up, couldn't see anything outta that eye." As he spoke, her fingers ran the length of the scare, her face tightening in concern. She lifted a finger before his eyes and slowly moved it to the side, stopping far into his peripheral vision.

"Can you see that?" She asked, watching his eyes as they stay trained on her. His hand snuck out from beneath the covers and grasped her finger, pulling it against his chest. Michaela smiled, test passed. Slowly she leaned over and places a soft kiss to the center of the mangled skin, as if her kiss had the power to heal. His hand ran up the center of her back, feeling the knots of her spin. He raised up to capture her lips. It was a deep, slow kiss, gentle, nothing like the night before.

They both sighed as they parted, smelling the sweet aroma of the fire blending with the scent of their skin.

They took the second to catch their breath and then Michaela lowered her head to his. She pulled back slightly, "fifty minutes?" Sully grumbled against her lips.

"Uh-Huh." With a smooth motion, he rolled her over to her back.

Their love was more smooth and indulgent than the night before, realizing what had been lost in their frantic effort to reconsummate their bodies. Now they took their time, rediscovering each other. Michaela found the sensitive spot at the hinge of Sully's jaw, placing a line of kisses to the area before flicking her tongue out to taste the skin. Her back arched luxuriously as his hand ran down her body, this time taking the chance to massage her skin, pressing down her back, running down the curve of her bottom. She sighed at the caress, rolling her head back for his persistent mouth running the curve of her neck. They're movements were slow, enjoyed, and when they joined it didn't feel as though they were trying to beat time, it felt as if time actually stopped, and there was nothing around but the feel of their skin tingling, the sound of their breath, and the gentle movement of their rhythm. Michaela whispered his name into his ear as she tensed around him, senses heightened, feeling everything that life had to offer her at that moment.

When they lay still, Michaela curled her body into his, a broad smile stretching her face. "I forgive you." She mumbled, and Sully was freed.

Five minutes later, a fully clothed Michaela and Sully were nestling back under the covers, prepared for the door to swing open. Katie popped her head inside, looking over to the bed; face squishing when she realized that someone was there with her mommy. Still, though, she scurried over and was welcomed by Michaela's firm hold that pulled her into bed with them, tucking her into the sheets between them.

"Good morning." Michaela nuzzled her face. Katie didn't register the embrace as her eyes still fixed on Sully.

"Mo'nin."

"Do you see Papa?" Michaela whispered, finally grabbing her attention and pulling it toward her. Katie nodded and then turned back to Sully.

"Why you here?" Sully's face froze, his eyes skimming to Michaela over the top of Katie's head. Had she not understood after all? Before he could say anything though, Katie completed the thought. "You can have yor own woom." She told him as if it were a secret. Sully chuckled, reaching out to ruffle her hair.

"I like getting' ta share a room with your ma."

Michaela shifted over, pilling a few pillows behind her and pulling Katie into her lap. "Do you know what day it is?"

"It's Thadaday. Tell me a story about Poppy." She said, picking at the buttons on the front of Michaela's nightgown.

"Well, I think Papa's going to tell the story this morning." She smiled at Sully, watching his hand reach out to run down Katie's back. He couldn't take his hands off her; he was just so mesmerized.

"Sure am." Two blue eyes turned up at him.

"'Bout What?"

"About his adventures these past few years." Michaela answered, snuggling down. She nodded over to him, giving him the signal.

"Everyone comfortable? Ok…"

It was the best morning both Michaela and Sully could remember.

Finally, reunited!!!