Disclaimer: same old same old

Mothers 1/4

It was almost May and Mother's Day was on the horizon. The MacKenzie-Rabb children were busy with arts and crafts, under their grandparents' supervision, to ensure they had the perfect Mother's Day present for Mac. Jessie and Aidan were both happy to make something for Mac, Mattie and Trish but it was with an innate sadness. This would be their first Mother's Day without their mom and the pain was raw.

After some careful observation, Harm had to concede that the Murphy children were not the only ones acting a little differently at the moment. His wife hadn't been herself in a few days and for all his tactics, he couldn't determine the cause. Finally, he figured he'd have to go with the direct approach and actually ask her.

With the kids in school and pre-school, and Frankie in town with his grandfather, Harm called Mac from his office.
"How's your morning?" he asked, staring at the photo of her on his desk.
"Okay," she replied, a little distracted. "Yours?"
"Good," he replied. "Two lessons done and now for the paperwork."
"Aha," she said, continuing to fold the laundry.
"Do you have some time to spare today?" he asked, glancing at the clock.
"Sure," she answered. "What do you need?"
"I need you to come meet me by the creek in about twenty minutes," he said, standing up.
"What for?" she questioned, dropping the towel back into the basket.
"Just come," he said and disconnected the call.

It was half an hour later that Harm spied Mac walking towards him as he sat on the rock facing the farmhouse.
"Glad you came," he said, getting to his feet and walking towards her.
"Are you okay?" she asked, a little concerned by her husband's demeanour.
"I'm fine," he answered, taking her in his arms and kissing her cheek. "I asked you here," he continued, answering her unasked question, "Because I think there's something not okay with you."

Looking up at him, Mac considered her answer.
"You can tell me anything," he said gently, his hands locking behind her lower back, his stance widening to bring his height down. "Anything."

Deciding that talk was overrated, Mac wrapped her arms around his neck and leant her head on his shoulder. Things were not okay but she didn't know quite what they were. This way, she could get a little comfort while she tried to articulate it all.

Surprised by her action, Harm moved one hand up her back, his fingers splaying through her hair as he cradled her head to him before kissing her several times. Realising there was a reason she hadn't spoken, Harm didn't either, wanting to give her the time she needed, glad, through her actions, she was indicating she didn't need space.

Nearly ten minutes later she pulled back and slid her hand into his.
"Let's sit," she said stepping towards the rocks. She waited until Harm was sitting comfortably before she draped herself over his lap. One arm still around his neck.
"What is it?" he asked gently, his blue eyes searching her brown ones.
"A couple of days ago," she started slowly, her eyes locked on his "I overheard the girls talking...Jessie was saying how lucky Lily and you were because you still have your moms and how sad it was for her and Aidan, Mattie and me because we didn't..."
Harm nodded and waited for her to go on.
"I know I don't see her...I don't want to see her," she amended. "But I still have a mom..."
"Yes, you do," Harm acknowledged, his grip on her tightening a little.
"She shouldn't have this effect on me," Mac said. "She's my past and she should stay there – I don't know why I care about it so much."
"Do you want to look for her? Find out if she's still alive?" Harm asked, not too sure what his wife was thinking, despite her words.
"I know she's still alive," Mac said, reaching behind her and pushing her hand into the back pocket of her jeans. "This came in Monday's mail."

She handed the once white folded envelope to her husband and he opened it. It had clearly been handled by many people and the once pristine white was now mottled. Three different sets of handwriting on the front indicated it had been re-addressed from her original apartment, to the house they had shared to the farmhouse.

The sender information identifying it was from her mother. A mother who obviously was unaware just how much her daughter's life had changed in the last 15 years, which was the last time she had seen her, after the death of Joe MacKenzie.
"What does she say?" Harm asked, not opening the envelope.
"Don't know," she replied. "I haven't opened it yet."
"Do you want to?" he asked and she shrugged. "Do you want me to?" he asked and she nodded before resting her head on his.

Slowly, Harm slipped his arm from around his wife and turned the envelope over before opening it. With great care, he slipped the single leaf of paper out and unfolded it. He offered it to Mac before realising her eyes were closed. With the paper secure in one hand, he wrapped his arm around her once more and kissed her head.
"Darling, Sarah," he began and he heard a quiet snort of disdain from his wife at her mother's loving opening.

Deciding to ignore it, Harm continued, "I'm sure you will find this letter a surprise. I am quite surprised to be writing it. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and my thoughts keep turning to you. I need you to know I do love you, very much. My relationship with you, or rather now my non-relationship with you, is my biggest regret. I would like to see you one last time to apologise face to face. My phone number is 555-0988, my address is above. Please, Sarah, allow me to do this. Love Mom xox"

At the sound of the folding paper, Mac opened her tear-filled eyes and watched as Harm put it back into the envelope. "So," he said, turning to his wife. "What do you think?"
"I think she is still making it about her," Mac said with a sigh, "All 'I', 'me' and 'my', guess I shouldn't have been surprised."
Harm nodded but didn't speak.
"I get the feeling she's sick or at least thinks her time is running out," she continued, holding a little tighter to Harm. "I think this is her way of putting things right."
"I get that feeling too," Harm concurred, running his hand up and down her arm.
"So, I guess the question is whether I want to see her or not," she said, not at all sure she knew what the answer would be.
"That is indeed the question to be answered," he said kissing her head. "But it doesn't need to be answered right this minute."
"But if I don't decide it's going to hang over my head," she protested quietly.
"Okay then," he said, beginning to think that maybe she wanted to see her mom otherwise her mind would have been made up instantly. "If you want to see..."
"No," she interjected shaking her head.
"So you don't want to see..." he corrected himself.
"I didn't say that," she countered, her own thoughts not clear.
"Okay, okay," he said kissing her head. "Just know that whatever you decide I will support you..."
"If I was to go and see her," she started slowly, "Would you come with me?"

Harm nodded. Her mother's address was given as Chattanooga, Tennessee and while it meant a few days away, Harm would never let her do this by herself.
"Because, if I decide to see her," she said, clarifying her thoughts. "I don't want her coming here...I don't want her near the kids...to know where I live."

Harm nodded once more. It killed him to see her so torn. He knew the woman in his arms didn't want to see the woman who had abandoned her. She didn't want to dredge up old memories and definitely didn't want her family, her new life to be tarnished with the old. However, he also knew that within the woman in his arms was a little girl still mourning her abandonment, grieving the loss of her mother at a young age, the loss of her innocence, her decline into alcoholism and the pain and chaos that her mother's walking out triggered.
"We can go this weekend," he said, caressing her face. "We can fly into Chattanooga, hire a car and spend a couple of days and if you decide you don't want to see her once we're there, that'll be okay."
"That's very soon," she said, shaking her head, not sure if she'd be ready in two days.
"Well, next weekend is Mother's Day, and I'm sure you'll want to be home for that," he said softly. "We could leave it until the end of the month, but this letter was written months ago and if it was written because she was sick...or dying, then we're running out of time."

Mac nodded and cursed her mother for upsetting her life once again. "I just don't want her thinking that one letter from her and I come running."
"The first postmark on this is March, so she won't think it's an immediate response," he said rubbing her back. "She won't know it's taken it so long to find you."
"Good point," she said, resting her head on his.
"I'll be with you every step of the way, gorgeous," he whispered, kissing her cheek. "I know this is going to bring up a lot of bad memories and be very painful for you but I'll be here for you, I'll be there with you..."
"Do you think mom and dad will be alright with us going? " she asked. "And what about the kids? I don't know how Jessie will be or Frankie..." she continued without waiting for an answer.
"Mom and dad will be fine," he said, rubbing her back once more, trying to comfort her in any way he could. "Mattie and Colin will help out, and Aidan – he's a great kid," Harm said. "Do you want to tell the kids where we're going?"
"No," she said quickly. "Adults, yes, kids, no. If we tell them, Lily would probably want to come and that's never going to happen and as Aidan and Jess have just lost their mom, I don't want them thinking mothers mean nothing."
"They wouldn't think that," he reassured her. "But I do understand your point."
"So, I guess we should go back and make some plans," she said untangling her arms from him.
"We should," he agreed. "But I think I want to hold you for just a little longer. Is that alright?"
"More than," she replied, quickly taking hold of him once more.

Later that night, when the kids were tucked up in bed and the adults were in the living room, Trish decided she'd waited long enough.
"So, which one of you is going to tell us?" she asked as Harm brought in a tray with teas and coffees.
"Tell us what?" Colin asked, looking around the room.
"Nothing gets past you, does it, mom?" Harm said with a laugh.
"No, it doesn't, son," answered Frank with a chuckle. "But I was about to ask the same thing...so talk."

With Harm taking his seat alongside her and his fingers entwining with hers, Mac took a deep breath and the concern of the other four adults escalated.
"You're not sick, are you?" Mattie asked, her stomach twisting.
"No, no, sweetie, nothing like that," Mac said quickly before explaining what had come to pass.
"I think it's a good idea to go and see your mom, sweetheart," said Trish, standing from the armchair and sitting on Mac's other side and wrapping her arm around her. "I know she wasn't much of a mother but you are an amazing daughter, and I should know," she whispered, kissing her head. "I think it will give you some closure, don't you?"
"Aha," Mac nodded tearfully as Trish pulled her closer.
"You just remember that you've been blessed many times in your life," Trish continued quietly. "God gave you a birth mother, and then He gave you me and I will be your mom for the rest of my days..."
"Thanks, mom," she said, resting her head on Trish's. "I needed to hear that."

It was in the early hours of Thursday morning that Harm and Mac headed to bed, 101 things to think about before their departure the following day. Harm had the laptop opened and was checking flights as Mac returned from the bathroom.
"We can fly Pittsburgh to Chattanooga in just over an hour," he said, watching her climb in beside him. "If we leave ..."
"Can we drive?" she asked looking up at him.
"Sure," he replied. "I just figured one hour in the air versus nearly eleven hours driving time."
"We don't have to drive," she said quickly, knowing it was a lot to ask of him, as he would pretty much be doing it all – her mind not in the right place for such a task.
"We can drive," he said, closing his laptop and placing it on his bedside table before wrapping her in his arms.
"Thanks," she said, snuggling closer. "Just thought we could spend it talking..."
"Sounds like a good idea," he said, kissing her head, knowing she'd have a lot to work through on her way there and definitely on the way back. "We can leave Friday morning, maybe stop in Blacksburg for lunch and Knoxville overnight then do the short trip into Chattanooga Saturday morning...see your mom and make plans from there."
"Do you have to be back for work Monday morning?" she asked, her eyes closing.
"Nope," he said, shaking his head. "I have a pretty good boss and I'm sure he'll let me take an extra day or two." He kissed her head and continued to hold her tightly.
"Good," she replied, she wouldn't mind a day or two with her husband away from the farm just to get her thoughts together.

Deciding not to say anything to the kids over breakfast, Harm went to the airfield early as Trish and Frank saw to the breakfast rush while Mac did Jessie's exercises. When the older three were on the bus, Mattie and Trish took the four younger children to Charlesville to do some shopping while Mac was staying home to do some cleaning and pack her bag.

Trish had tried to get her to go with her, believing the outing would be a great distraction, but Mac had declined, offering to keep Frankie or the twins home with her if it was too much. In the end, she stood alone watching the car disappear down the driveway.

It was an hour later that Frank appeared in the kitchen, about to make morning tea for himself and Colin after a couple of hours hard work in the barn,
"Are you okay, sweetheart?" he asked, resting his hand on Mac's shoulder as she sat at the dining table staring into space.
"Oh, dad," she said with a quick shake of her head. "I didn't hear you come in."
"You didn't answer my question," he said, sitting alongside her. "Are you okay?"
"A little preoccupied," she replied. "Well, maybe a lot preoccupied."
"Would you like to talk about it?" he asked, not too sure what she was in need of.
"I don't really know what to say," she admitted. "I have a million things racing around in my head and I keep swinging from wanting to hear her out and see if it helps me get closure or confronting her and telling her in no uncertain terms exactly what I think of her."
"You're not in the easiest position, are you?" he said quietly, taking her hand.
"Nope," she said, shaking her head. "I thought I'd come to terms with it years ago...I hate that she can still turn my life upside down."
"That's because she's your mom," he replied. "Had she died, you would have grieved, come to terms and moved on ... but she's not dead and, no matter what your head says, deep inside your heart is still the broken little girl who wants to know what she did wrong..."
"Aha," Mac replied tearfully, he'd summed it up perfectly.
"Sarah," he said gently. "Maybe this time, after you see her, you see about getting yourself some counselling. It's done wonders for Aidan and young Jessie and you were so quick to get them support...as you were getting extra help for Rosie ... and opening your heart and home to everyone here...but when did your stop to look after you?"
"I didn't," she acknowledged.
"Don't you think you are worth it?" he asked and she shrugged. "I think you are."
"I think about it ...think I should do it...then think I don't need it, I shouldn't need it," she replied, wiping away a stray tear.
"I know you still consider yourself a do-or-die Marine," he said, squeezing her hand. "But, contrary to popular opinion, Marines are humans too..." Frank smiled at the look he received. "Hard to believe, I know...but I think it will do you the world of good."
"When did you become an expert?" she asked, her tone pleading more than argumentative.
"I was married to Trish about five years before I sought out counselling...and back then counselling was a huge thing, it had such a stigma attached to it," he admitted, his head bowed. "But I knew that I wasn't coping as well as I should have with the loss of my wife and daughter...and that had been a decade earlier."
"Did people know? Did Trish know you were getting help?" Mac asked, noting the tears in his eyes.
"Nope," he said shaking his head. "I told her a few years ago...long after the fact...it was all very overwhelming and I could only deal with one thing at a time and I knew that had to be getting the help I needed."
"Did it help?" she questioned, drying her tears.
"Yes, it did," he said confidently. "For the first time, in a long time, I was able to look in the mirror and feel compassion for the man looking back...made a hell of a difference."
"Okay," she said getting to her feet. "There's a counsellor in Charlesville that I looked up a while back...I'll make an appointment when I get back."
"Maybe," Frank said, standing alongside her. "You can call now and make the appointment so you know you'll have help when you return."
"You're a very wise man, dad," she said hugging him. "Thank you so much."
"Anytime, sweetheart," he said kissing her head. "You can talk to me anytime; you know that, don't you?"
"I do," she replied before kissing his cheek.
"Colin said something about morning..." Harm started before he caught the scene in front of him. "Everything alright?"
"How about you hug your wife," Frank said stepping aside. "And I'll see to the morning tea?"

Quickly, Harm embraced his wife before kissing her head and ducking down to make eye contact. "Wanna tell me?"
Mac drew a deep breath and shrugged. "Just feeling a little overwhelmed."
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to," he said caressing her face.
"I know," she said with a brief nod. "This is something I want to do...once and for all."
"Anything I can do to help?" he questioned and Mac smiled.
"Can you help Frank with morning tea while I make a phone call?" she asked and soon disappeared upstairs to make an appointment with the counsellor.

That evening all members of the extended family sat around the dining table, the youngest in highchairs, Rosie on Mac's lap, Harry on Frank's so everyone could dine together.
"So much food and all my favourites," said Lily as she scooped cheesy garlic mashed potatoes onto her plate.
"Mine too," agreed Jessie taking a chicken drumstick.
"Mine too," added Harry, just because he didn't want to be left out.
"We're all very lucky," Trish said, helping Frankie with his dinner. "Your mom and dad worked hard this afternoon."
"Is there dessert?" Aidan asked hopefully.
"Warm chocolate mud cake with ice cream," Mac replied and Aidan smiled broadly. Dessert in his previous house had been reserved for Sunday lunch or when guests visited, although that was a rarity.

Once dessert had been served and enjoyed and the chatter quietened, Harm spoke.
"Now, if everyone is listening," he began and soon most eyes were on him. "Mommy and I are taking a little trip south tomorrow and won't be back until Wednesday," he said, knowing it was the longest they'd be away.
"Can I come, please?" Lily asked, not caring about where, just being with them.
"Sorry, pumpkin," Harm said with a shake of his head. "Not this time."
"Where are you going?" Jessie asked concerned, noticing Lily's concern.

Even though they had decided not to tell the children, Mac felt she owed them the truth.
"Actually," she said, sliding her hand onto Harm's knee beside her. "I'm going to see my mom."
"What? Why?" Lily asked.
"Isn't she dead?" Jessie asked almost simultaneously,
"No, she's not dead," Lily answered for her mother. "But she's as good as...she left home when mom was 12 and she never saw her again until she was really old and her dad died."
"Wow!" Aidan said. "And I thought my family sucked."
"Why'd she go?" Jessie asked, understanding why Mac would go to see the woman but not liking it at all.
"Hopefully, she'll tell me this time," Mac said, with a sad shrug.
"I wish you weren't going," Jessie said, "But if I had the chance to see my mom again, I'd go too...so I hope you have a good time."
Mac leant over and kissed her head, "Thank you, angel." She then looked over at her daughter, wondering what reception she'd get from Miss Lily.
"Well," she said, climbing from her chair, walking around and squeezing herself in between Jessie and her mom. "Wanna know what I think?" she asked, wrapping her arms around Mac's neck as Harm slid Rosie onto his lap. "I think moms are really important and I know yours sucked but maybe this time she'll say sorry and, if she doesn't, you tell her I said she sucks big time."

Mac pulled Lily to her and kissed her head, "Thank you, baby," she said quietly. Those words meant more to her than Lily would ever know.