Title: Pride
Author: rooster dawn
Alternative Universe
Summary: Harm and Mac act out Pride and Prejudice
Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius productions, no copyright infringement intended.
Pride & Prejudice is the property of Jane Austen
(First known as First Impressions)
: Warner Brothers 1940
: BBC 1979
: Arts and Entertainment Network/BBC co-production 1995
: Universal Studio 2005
no copyright infringement intended.
Please let me know what you think, it's the only way I can write better stories for you.
Author's note: Due to a computer glich, several chapters weren't posted in their entirely. I have made the corrections. Sorry for the inconveniences I have imposed upon you.
part nineteen Dealing with the Pain
Sarah was all alone now. She pulled his cape tighter around her as she felt a chill. She could smell him. His scent was all around her on the cape. She didn't know what to think or do.
She had come up here to think about how Mr. Darcy had ruined Jordan's life. But now she also had to think about Mr. Darcy loving her. It was a thought she found hard to believe. He loved her.
It was okay for her to cry about Jordan's loss, to cry about the pain of losing a friend, and to cry about losing the love of a man. She was so confused. She didn't know what to do. She needed to talk to someone, but who?
She cried for what seemed like hours. When it finally stopped raining she made her way back to Hunsford. The hour was beginning to get late. Harriet would want to know what happened to her and where she had been. She didn't know if she would be able to tell her.
She didn't know why she was crying. She had believed for so many months that she didn't like Mr. Darcy. What he thought about her didn't matter or so she thought. She had never really care before what he thought about her. She had always considered that it was his loss.
Why was she crying? Was it because she finally knew the truth that a rich powerful man could destroy or make a family's reputation? Was her family's silly behavior important enough to destroy Jordan's happiness?
It was enough to cause Mr. Keeter to walk away, but why wasn't it enough to cause Mr. Darcy to walk away? Why did he believe he was worthy of marrying into the Mackenzie family, but Mr. Keeter was not?
She didn't understand why, she never knew he loved her. Sure, there were a few people in her life who teased her about Mr. Darcy. They all said that he loved her, but he didn't behave like a man in love or so she thought.
What did she really know about love anyway? She didn't think her parents loved each other, but her father told her that wasn't true. Love was more than cooing, kissing, and playing nice. It was hard work, working together, and putting the needs of others before your own.
Her father was right about one thing, if a man loved her enough, the rest of her family wouldn't matter. She was mature and well known in their community. She was Sarah Mackenzie, not someone else's daughter or sister.
She dreaded what was going to happen next as she entered Hunsford manor. She quietly made her way upstairs hoping no one would notice her arrival, but someone did. There was a knock on her door only seconds after she had closed the door of her room.
"Sarah, are you alright? May I come in?" Sarah heard through the door. It was Harriet.
"Come in, the door is unlock." replied Sarah.
"What's wrong Sarah? You didn't come to Rosings after church. Lady Catherine was concerned. What happened? Where did you go?" asked Harriet.
"Colonel Fitzwilliam gave me some bad news. It made me feel ill so I left. I went to the old Pergola up on the hill to be alone, but Mr. Darcy followed me there." replied Sarah.
"The Colonel did say you weren't feeling well. He did say Mr. Darcy went after you, but we haven't seen him since church. What happened? Did he do or say something to you?" asked Harriet. "Lady Catherine was very worried."
"He only did what you said he would do." moaned Sarah. She was trying to keep it together, but she was failing. Tears were beginning to form in her eyes again.
"I don't understand Sarah." replied Harriet.
"He told me he loved me. He told me he wanted to marry me." cried Sarah as tears began to run down her cheeks again.
"That's wonderful, but why are you crying Sarah? Mr. Darcy is a good man. You should be happy that he has chosen you to be his wife. I always thought that there was something special between you two." replied Harriet wondering what had happened to make her cry.
"I told him no." cried Sarah.
"But why Sarah?" Harriet was so confused now. Nothing made any sense to her. Sarah should be happy, not sad. It was one thing for her to not want to marry Mr. Collins, but to not marry Mr. Darcy was incomprehensible.
"You two are perfect for each other Sarah. I know you always wondered what he was thinking, but as I once said to you, he has singled you out. He spent a lot of time with you at Netherfield. He danced with you all night at the ball.
He has come over here three or four days a week for the past four weeks to see you. He walks with you in the park. I know he doesn't say much, but his actions have shown that he likes spending time with you. Why did you say no?" explained Harriet.
"I told him that I didn't like him. He made it clear the first night he didn't think much of me, so I never wasted any emotions on him. When he pushed further, I told him I didn't like the way he asked me.
Instead of complimenting and praising me like Mr. Collins did when he asked me, Mr. Darcy demeaned me and my family. I then told him I couldn't marry a man who destroyed the happiness of my beloved sister.
I also mentioned his treatment of Mr. Turner. That angered him to no end. He had no problems talking then as he berated my family even more. Finally I told him that it hadn't mattered how he asked me, because I would have said no.
All it did was determine whether or not I hurt him when I refused to marry him. I told him he had never acted in a gentleman like manner. I told him if he was the last man on earth I would never marry him." concluded Sarah.
"That's awful Sarah. He should have never said those things about your family. He must have been really upset. I'm sure he never expected you to say no to him. He must be devastated." replied Harriet.
"What? ... You shouldn't be concern about him Harriet. He too conceited and arrogant. I'm sure he'll survive just fine." spat Sarah.
"Come on Sarah, it's hard enough for a man to ask a woman he loves to marry them. It hurts them when the woman they love says no. I know you don't think much about Bud. But he was hurt very deeply when you said no.
He's a good man with much to offer any woman. Maybe he's not the brightest or best looking man, but he is a kind gentle man who sees only the good in people and truly wants to help them.
He was surprised that any woman wouldn't want to have what he had to offer. It's taken him quite a while to get over your rejection. I think your staying here at Hunsford has helped him. He sees that it wasn't personal.
What about Jordan? You told me that she is still suffering from Mr. Keeter leaving last fall. She cared very deeply for him in very short period of time. She was left to wonder, but did she ever tell Mr. Keeter that she loved him?
As for Mr. Darcy you know he not a social butterfly. It takes him time to warm up to people. It may have taken my father to twist his arm to dance with you at Lucas Lodge, but you know he wanted to dance with you.
Maybe he could have displayed his feelings to you in a better manner, maybe he should have ask you to marry him in a more gentleman like manner, but we both know he's not very good at conversing with people.
From what you have told me I believe he was trying to convey to you that he was torn between his love for you and the culture in which he was raised. Do you think it is easy for me to be a clergyman's wife?
Do you honestly think Lady Catherine would be happy to see Mr. Darcy marry you when she believes that Mr. Darcy and Renee are destined to marry? Do you think any of his other relations would be any different?
Don't hate him Sarah. For all his faults Mr. Darcy did bestow the greatest gift he could give you. He told you he loved you and he did ask you to marry him. You know he could have chosen anyone, but he chose you." replied Harriet as she tried to console Sarah.
"Maybe you're right Harriet. Maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to judge him. Maybe I shouldn't have said I wouldn't marry him if he was the last man on earth." sighed Sarah.
She would have to apologize to him, but not today. The pain was still too fresh. In time she would be able to forgive him for the things he said, but not today.
Monday
20 April
Rosings
Early the next morning Harm stopped off at Hunsford to give Sarah the letter he had written. In it he tried to explain his side of the story concerning Mr. Turner and what part he played in Mr. Keeter leaving Netherfield and not returning.
She wasn't at the manor so he took off on foot in search of her. He had a good idea of where she might be. She had a regular schedule of which trails she took. On Mondays she always took the longer trail.
He had asked her why once. She had told him Sundays were the days when families spent time together thus leaving less time for exercise. She liked to make up for the deficiency on Mondays.
He walked her route in reverse thus insuring that he would eventually meet up with her so he could hand her the letter he had written. It didn't take long before he met up with her. She was surprised to see him there after the fight they had the day before.
She wanted to turn around and run away, but she knew that wouldn't accomplish anything. She wondered what he wanted. Hadn't they said everything that needed to be said yesterday? She needed to be alone with her thoughts.
She had to digest the idea that he loved her, not to mention that he had loved her for a long time. She needed to figure out why she hadn't know. She always thought herself to be a keen observer of human behavior.
She had to think about what to do now. She had spent six months disliking a man whom she had thought disliked her. She wondered if it was possible now for her to love him. It wouldn't happen overnight.
She was sure of that. It would take time for her to change. She had to admit he was a good looking man. He was very wealthy. It was just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it was for a poor man her father had told her more than once.
He probably wouldn't say much since he seldom did. She would stay and give him a chance to say whatever he needed to say. She would listen, but she probably wouldn't respond.
"Good morning Ms Sarah. I would like you to read this letter." greeted Harm as he handed her the letter.
Sarah didn't say anything, but she did accept his letter. She bowed to acknowledge his presence, but she didn't say a word. Harm then turned away and walked in another direction when he realize she wasn't going to talk to him.
He had hoped that after a day and night of reflection she would have understood him and his actions a little better. He hoped that she wouldn't hate him, but he could see nothing had changed overnight. It was time to leave.
Sarah found a log to sit down on. She opened up the letter and read it. He gave his account as to why he broke up Mr. Keeter and Jordan. It wasn't anything new. He was wrong to do so, but he wouldn't admit it.
He also included his version of why he and Mr. Turner weren't friends anymore. It seemed that Mr. Turner didn't want to be a clergyman after all. He wanted to be a lawyer so Mr. Darcy gave him the money to study the law and become a lawyer.
Later he gave him more money and he lost all of it gambling. At which point he told Mr. Turner there would be no more money. Then there was Mr. Turner's attempt to marry his sister Georgiana for her thirty thousand pound inheritance. He wasn't very open about it.
He tried to do it without Mr. Darcy's notice. Mr. Turner was a gold digger. She thought about how Mr. Turner had gone after Ms King after she inherited ten thousand pounds. She knew Mr. Darcy's explanation was the truth.
She wondered why Mr. Darcy hadn't told her all this back when they were at Netherfield. He had ample opportunities to tell her. If he had been a gentleman then he would have told her why he had been rude that day.
He had been coming to visit her with Mr. Keeter that day only to turn around and leave without saying a word. She remembered feeling warm and fuzzy with the thought that he was coming to see her.
Their relationship could have been so different if he hadn't chosen to ride off. Maybe then she might have thought his attention at the Netherfield Ball was about his possible love for her instead of a reaction to Mr. Turner's attention to her.
Why couldn't he have been honest about his feelings back then? Why couldn't he have kept in touch with her? Why did he have to ruin her sister's happiness just because he didn't want to deal with his feelings for her? Why had he gone away and not return to her?
Monday
20 April
Rosings Park
Harm had given the letter to Ms Sarah. Now it was time for him to leave Rosings and go ... but where? ... He didn't know where. He knew he couldn't stay at Rosings for another week and see her after the disaster of the day before.
Harm corralled his cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam and told him they were leaving. His cousin didn't want to leave without saying goodbye to Ms Sarah. He had enjoyed his time at Rosings so much because of her.
She had been easy to talk to and was well inform. She was everything Darcy had said she was. She was so beautiful. It was no wonder why Darcy had trouble talking to her. Beautiful women had always intimidated him.
Harm agreed to go with him to Hunsford to say their goodbyes. When they got there, Ms Sarah wasn't there. She hadn't returned from her walk, which surprised Harm, because she had nearly completed her walk when he had given her the letter an hour ago.
"Mr. Collins, Mrs. Collins, the Colonel and I have come to tell you that we're leaving Rosings today and heading back to Pemberly." greeted Harm.
"It's been very nice getting to know all of you. You have made our trip to Rosings quite enjoyable. We wanted to say goodbye before we left." added the Colonel.
"It's been an honor to meet you Colonel Fitzwilliam and to see Mr. Darcy again." replied Mr. Collins. He was interrupted before he could continue on.
"Where is Ms Sarah? We wanted to say goodbye to her. She is the most marvelous person I have ever met. Is she all right? We didn't see her at Rosings yesterday." asked the Colonel.
"She went for a walk this morning. She should have returned by now. I think she needs time alone to think. She was very confused last night when I talked with her." replied Harriet.
Harm was concerned, but he knew he couldn't do anything more about it. For all he knew she had found a place to read his letter. Surely she had finished reading it. That was over an hour ago. She must be deep in thought about the letter he thought.
If there was one thing he learned yesterday, when Ms Sarah needed to be alone, it wasn't a good idea to bother her. Maybe if he had waited to talk to her about how much he loved her, they wouldn't have exchanged the words they did.
They waited an hour for Ms Sarah, but she didn't return. They said their goodbyes to the Collins and Maria before leaving. They both were disappointed that she hadn't returned. Harm knew he might never see the woman he loved again.
He didn't really want her last impression of him to be of the other day, but there wasn't anything he could do. They needed to leave now if they were going to reach their destination by tonight. He wished he had told her he was sorry about some of the things he said.
Before he left Harriet said to him "She's young Mr. Darcy, give her time. She doesn't really know what love is."
Harm and the Colonel were on their way back to Pemberly, but their route back would not be the same as their trip to Rosings. They wouldn't be going back through London. They would be traveling north along the coast.