AN UPDATE?

must be the apocalypse so prepare yourselves, kiddies.

okay seriously though, sorry that I'm shitty at updates but i finally wrote another chapter for this so here is the update that you patient readers deserve, and I'm not gonna even try to promise another one soon because i break those promises like it's my job so i'll update when i can and hopefully it's soon but it might not be and if its not, sorry.

anyways, here it is so just enjoy c:

I looked up to meet the gaze of my Lieutenant.

Riza gazed at me, eyes filled with tears and obvious concern.

"How did you know to come here?" I asked, my voice shaking with emotion. I was suddenly aware that I had no idea what time it was. Glancing out the window, I found that the sun had risen just above the top of the buildings that made up the Central skyline.

"When you and Ed didn't show up for work, I got worried and decided to go check on things at your house. It was on my way back to the office that I saw your car parked here at the hospital. Naturally, I pestered the receptionist until she gave me a room number."

I nodded, breaking her stare and slid my gaze back to the seemingly lifeless boy in the hospital bed.

Riza sighed and made her way closer to me, resting a hand on my shoulder in hopes of comforting me.

We were silent for a few moments before she voiced the confusion I knew she must be feeling.

"If you don't mind me asking… What exactly happened?" Her voice was soft, and her words came across with a hint of caution as she knew it would be a difficult subject for me.

I took a deep breath, trying to clear my head of all the swimming thoughts that wouldn't make sense.

"Well… Havoc and Ed had gotten close, as I'm sure you noticed. When I realized that Havoc was providing Ed with cigarettes, I told him to stay away from Ed and sent him home for the day. On the drive home, Ed knew what had happened and as soon as we got into the house, he ran upstairs and shut himself away in his bedroom. He wouldn't come down for dinner. I knew I had to check on him, but… when I found him in his room… I wasn't ready. I knew it would be bad. But I never thought it would be this bad again. I thought Ed had been making true progress, but clearly his emotional state isn't anywhere near stable. The room reeked of cigarette smoke – clearly he had been chainsmoking. Along with that, he hurt himself again – his entire arm is covered in fresh, open wounds. I was worried enough about that but when I went over to him, he… his body convulsed. He had tried to overdose on his medication. Ed tried to convince me to just let him die. That seemed to be all he wanted, he truly thinks that death is the only answer for how he is feeling. Obviously I wasn't just going to stand by and let him kill himself, so I rushed him here and they've been trying to keep him alive ever since. I've been here all night."

I was crying by the time I finished my explanation.

Recounting what happened was just as hard as I thought it would be, and it took a lot of shaky, deep breaths in order to continue telling her.

I couldn't meet her gaze.

She took a deep breath to match mine, and had to stable herself on the edge of Ed's bed at the information I had just given her.

"Shit… Roy, I… I don't know how to react…"

I merely nodded. Hawkeye wasn't one to regularly cuss, so her use of the word 'shit' caught me off guard.

Suddenly she grabbed onto my hand and forced me to look her in the eye.

"You better not blame yourself for Ed's actions. I don't care what stupid thoughts you have in your head right now – it was not your fault that Ed did what he did. You didn't trigger anything, it isn't your fault that Ed is sick and if you blame yourself for this, it's only going to make Ed's recovery worse."

Hawkeye was always sharp, and it's no wonder she could pick up on my self-hating feelings. I really did feel like I had brought this upon Ed. Ed was right – I did take away his only friend and the one thing that was keeping him seemingly happy lately.

I didn't say anything in regards to Ed's recovery, seeing as that wasn't even a definite possibility at this point.

"Ed… is going to recover, isn't he?" She asked, her tone taking on a dark, worried hint.

Damn Riza and her ability to pick up on my every thought.

"Well… The doctor said that the artery in his wrist may have bled too much before he got here, and that while they have been pumping out his stomach, he still is critically low on blood and that there are signs of decreased brain activity."

I stopped, not being able to repeat the statistic that the doctor gave me.

"Did they give him a survival rate?" Riza asked hesistantly, clearly unsure of whether she wanted the answer or not.

I was silent for a long time.

"Roy?"

"Twenty percent."

"Twenty?"

"Yes, twenty. Ed has a twenty percent survival rate." I snapped, frustrated with her unnecessary need for confirmation.

Riza shut up after this, which I was thankful for.

Talking about Ed was proving to be too much to handle for me right now. I needed to find some way to escape reality for a bit, to clear my head and calm down, but there was no way in hell I was leaving Ed alone in this hospital room, regardless of whether he's conscious or not.

It was nearing 4:00p.m. now, and Riza had remained by my side all day. I didn't have the heart to send her back to work when I wasn't there myself.

Suddenly, voices were heard in the hallway and the next thing I knew, all of those under my command came filing into the hospital room.

Havoc hung around at the back of the group as I stared at them all in utter shock.

I glanced over at Hawkeye and found her looking rather sheepish.

"When I saw your car here, I called back to the office… I figured I should let them know that I wouldn't be returning, and I might have told them that this is where I would be as well as where they would find you… I hope you don't mind… Sir."

She tacked on a formal "Sir" at the end in an almost apologetic manner as she excused herself from the room to go grab some water.

I watched the faces of my Lieutenants as they slowly approached Ed and took turns in taking in the severity of his condition as well as offering some form of physical comfort – be it a hold of his hand or a delicate hand on his face, they all silently conveyed their concern and care for the boy.

Havoc remained by the door.

I glanced over at him, my anger at him dulled by the heaviness of the situation.

Jeans face was horror-struck – fear was written across his features as his brow furrowed with deep concern. He was shaking, and judging by the look in his eyes to the set of his jaw, he was trying not to cry.

The room was heavy with silence as no one was sure what to say.

I let out a sigh and looked at Havoc, and as his eyes locked with mine I spoke quietly,

"You can come see him. No one's going to stop you."

He nodded, still struggling to keep his emotions in check.

However he remained plastered to the back wall, seemingly conflicted about what to do.

It was then that it occurred me how scary this must be for him.

There was his best friend, which hadn't told him a single thing about the state of his own mental health, lying in what might as well be a coffin in Jean's eyes. It must be extremely overwhelming for the guy, to see for himself just how sick Ed really is.

I slowly stood up, my legs stiff from sitting all day, and made my way to the hallway. I glanced at my reflection in the glare of a window and saw that I looked extremely tired and rough. There were dark circles underneath my eyes, giving me the aesthetic of a deranged, sleepless drug addict and my hair was entirely out of place. I also was still in the work clothes from yesterday as I hadn't changed before I found Ed, and… well after that, worrying about my outfit was the last thing on my mind.

I stumbled out into the fresh air of the late afternoon and sat myself down on the steps, allowing myself to take a few deep breaths before the tears came again.

The sound of a lighter flicking behind me caught my attention, and I looked up to find Havoc sitting himself beside me as he exhaled the nicotine-ridden smoke.

Neither of us said a word, and Havoc studied me for a minute before silently offering me a cigarette.

I stared long and hard at that pack of cigarettes before my resolution crumbled and I accepted the offer, pulling out a cigarette and allowing Havoc to light it for me.

We sat in silence for a while, before Havoc decided to speak.

"If I had known about… about Ed, I would have never given him such free access to cigarettes. I understand completely why you were so pissed, as well as why I shouldn't have gotten him so drunk before. I'm really sorry Roy. I wasn't trying to make your job as guardian any more difficult, I just… I just can't express how truly sorry I am."

The emotion in Havoc's words caused him to choke up at times, and it was this that let me know just how incredibly sincere he was being.

All I could think to say was, "What's done is done now, let's not worry about all that. I think all of this, " I vaguely gestured towards the hospital, "is what demands our worry now."

Havoc nodded, and that was all that was said between us.

That was all that was needed to be said.

Jean headed back inside before I was finished with the cigarette, and so I sat on the steps in my own thoughts for a few more moments.

As much as I wasn't a fan of cigarettes, right now this was the only way I could think to clear my head amidst everything.

Flicking the cigarette filter down the steps, I brought myself to my feet and returned to Ed's hospital room, which was now full of flowers and the typical 'get well soon' cards from all of his co-workers.

I had tried so hard to keep Ed's condition a secret, because that's what he had asked of me, but I see now that what he really needs is the love and support from all the people in his life that he didn't think he had.

Judging by the amount of bodies in this room, all here out of concern for his well-being and his life, I would have to say otherwise.

cool.

so I'm now more than ready to move this story into the resolution it needs and deserves and i hope to accomplish that within the next, say, 2-4 chapters? I'll do my best and you guys will obviously see what i decide/what happens and all that jazz.

Thanks for reading, and not abandoning this story the way I myself have been doing over the years it's taken my to write.

Leave a review and let me know your thoughts?

It means a lot that you guys take the time to give me feedback as well as let me know how my writing makes you guy's feel, seriously - while spreading negativity is not my goal I really am happy to hear that I'm able to accurately represent the heavy topics in my story and that you guys relate and/or get as emotionally invested into this story as I hoped readers would. You are all amazing, and I do read every single review, I've just gotten shitty at replying to you all - but I do read them and appreciate the shit out of them, and while I hate generalizing things, this is my generalized thank you to you all and your reviews C:

-HazelEyes8D