Tegan and I stood to the side of the stage, waiting for our introduction to enter the spotlight. A man - probably the owner of the set - stood in the center of the stage talking into a microphone.
"...And I know you guys want me to get off the stage now...[crowd laughs a bit]...so may I have the pleasure of welcoming our amazing friends: Tegan and Sara!"
The crowd roared into cheering, and when the man looked over at Tegan and I and nodded, Tegan let go of my hand and started walking out, to where I followed her. The black drapes uncovered a massive room, filled to every inch and corner of jumping and excited fans. When Tegan and I revealed ourselves on the stage, the screams became louder, almost deafening. The faces I could see in the first few rows made me mimic there's - in awe. They looked like they were seeing a...god or something. They were so mesmerized about us being in front of them. I caught eyes with a few girls in the front, and I waved at them. The girls eyes went wide and they both started jumping together and waving back franticly. Their excitement made me shrink my head back in a smile.
Tegan found her way over to her mic, gripping it in her hands. She did her little "hair fix" thing that she always did before speaking into a mic.
"Wow!" She yelled into it. She scanned over the crowed with her mouth open. "There's so many of you guys!" They cheered again for Tegan. It was an amazing feeling to be back up on this stage; face being soaked with bright lights; ears being pierced with loud, intense voices. I missed all of it so much, but at the same time – all of it makes me remember why I left this in the first place. Being back in front of so many people and cameras, it makes me remember that I can never have a private moment on stage. I can never forget about where I am or what I'm doing.
"Thank you so much – all of you! For coming out and seeing us again, and waiting in that HUGE line! I'm still in shock that you would all show up!" Tegan laughed. She looked over at me for a second to see what I was doing, but then looked back at the audience. "I know Sara and I look…kinda different than we used to, but we're still Tegan and Sara! And we still remember the songs! Haha!"
"Hopefully.." I said into the mic, making a wincing face towards the audience. They burst out laughing, and so did Tegan. I laughed as well, waving my hand in gesture.
"Well, I think it's about time we get started huh?" She smiled out, making the audience go nuts over her. Even though she looked so much older, with no make-up on or any special clothes – they still loved her. They all had stars in their eyes when she spoke, and swooned when that gorgeous face of her's lit up with a smile. It was the kind of thing that I know Tegan missed, because her body language was so firm and homey – I could tell that she really loved the stage and it was something she craved to do. She was always the people person, unlike me, who usually stood silent and just added on to what she had to say. But then again, I always had liked just watching her talk. It was one of my favorite things; to see her get so into what she had to say.
"Alright, so this is a song called 'The Con!'" Tegan yelled as she started playing the cords on her guitar, stepping back from the mic. The audience went crazy, jumping up and down. Tegan smiled down at her guitar, so over taken by the joy of the audience. She stepped forward, taking a breath, getting ready to sing. I did the same, holding my fingers over the beginning cords on my guitar. Tegan played the queuing cord, and I pressed my lips to the mic, singing a song out loud that I hadn't for years. And it felt great. It felt astounding, like I was throwing up actually. This sickening feeling of emotions that just bursted from my lungs.
We had a few laughs between songs, playing several classics like Call It Off, Back in Your Head, and The First - but now we needed to play the newest we had put out, but also the most painful songs for me. The songs from Heartthrob were the ones I didn't spend much time at all writing, because they came quickly to my thoughts; they were "in the moment" kind of words. I was feeling all of the lyrics at the same time, all running through me and trampling my heart.
When I looked down at the set list, I bit on my lip when I read that the next song was "Now I'm All Messed Up". I wasn't ready to sing that again, maybe later in the set but not now. I needed more time to wait. I needed more calming time, but it seemed as though I didn't have that anymore. I remember at a set in Boston, years ago right before we released Heartthrob in the United Sates, it was my turn then to sing Messed Up. I knew since my voice hurt that I could barely do it, but I was originally planning on doing a slow, acoustic version of it. But the thought of singing that song slow, right there in front of everyone and after watching Tegan do an entire set by herself – it would have killed me. I just couldn't do it. I told Tegan that I couldn't, and she just kind of nodded at me – understanding my protest. At the time, the song was about Emy. Everyone knew it, and of course so did I – and it hurt just as bad back then. But now, after everything that had happened in the past few days – I knew I would fall apart if I did the slow version today. But when my eyes read over the song name again, I knew I had to do it. This is what we had planned to do and I wasn't going to bail out just because of how I felt…no matter how much it hurt. I closed my eyes as I pulled the mic to my lips.
"So this next song – Now I'm All Messed up…" The crowed screamed, and when I say screamed, I seriously mean it. "…we're gonna slow it down a bit tonight." I said, looking over at Tegan and nodding at her; the same nod she did back in Boston, but this time it meant something different. And by the look on her face, she understood. She knew what it meant this time. She knew this was going to be painful.