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Chapter 20: Confessions
EPOV
You know how you have one of those moments when you say something and you really don't regret saying it because you mean it but at the same time you knew that it was the wrong time to say it?
Well I was having one of those moments. During the most amazingly hot office sex I have ever had. One because of the person I was with. Two, because I have never done it in my office. And three, it was just the hottest and most incredible thing that I have ever done. Then I let my ass overload my mouth.
I didn't regret saying it. Not in the least. Was it the right time to say it? Well that was a matter of opinion. Just because I said it during the heat of passion didn't make it mean any less to me. I hope she didn't think it meant any less because of how I said it.
Fuck!
Was it too soon to say it? Maybe. It might have slipped out of my mouth too soon for her to hear it. I know she is apprehensive about how our feelings for each other have advanced so quickly, but I'm not. What I'm feeling for her feels more right than anything I've ever felt before.
We are still sitting on the floor, my back against the wall with Bella sitting in my lap. My arms are wrapped around her and her body is warm and soft against mine. Slowly my fingers are trailing up and down her spine in an attempt to comfort her. There is something wrong, I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I can sense that something is bouncing around in her head. Whatever it is, it is upsetting her. Little by little, I can tell she is pulling away from me.
"Tell me what you're thinking?" Whispering softly, I bury my nose in her hair, inhaling her sweet scent.
She sighs deeply exhaling her warm breath against my chest. Then she giggles quietly, but I can hear that it is laced with nervousness. "I'm thinking that I should come to your office more often."
Somehow I know this isn't what she is contemplating in her beautiful little head. She is trying to avoid the subject by making it light. If that makes her more comfortable, I will play along.
My fingers splay out across her back pulling her closer to me. "I think that is a wonderful idea." Chuckling in return, my body vibrates against her and inside of her reminding me that we're still joined. "You know, this is the first time that I've ever done this before."
She leans away from my body looking up at me with her chocolate eyes twinkling with a myriad of emotions. Disbelief, happiness and a hint of fear are all visible to me, which scares me in return because I don't want her to be afraid. "Really?" She replies in the form of a question.
"Really." My nose nuzzles hers before it descends down to her neck where I press feather light kisses making her sigh in contentment and shiver. "There are many firsts that I'm sharing with you."
Her fingers wind their way into my hair playing with my wild locks and lightly massaging my scalp. It is my turn to sigh in pleasure. "I'm happy that I can share my firsts with you too." Bella murmurs so low that I almost don't hear her.
We are quiet for a moment, I'm enjoying her being in my arms. The tension becomes palpable as I feel her muscles begin to tense. I can't help but question what is wrong.
"Bella? Something is bothering you. Please. Talk to me." Her muscles that were tense just moments before relax little by little as my hands try and soothe her. She inhales a deep shuddering breath then exhales slowly in what I can only assume is an attempt at trying to calm herself. Instinctively I gather her closer cradling her against me, this feeling deep inside me wanting nothing more than to protect her.
"I'm so scared Edward. We have barely known each other a couple of months, but the feelings I have for you are stronger than I have ever felt before. They scare me because I have never experienced anything like it. You talk about the firsts that we share together, well all of these are firsts for me. How you make me feel, how I feel about you, the way we make love together are unlike anything I have ever known." Her fingers are stroking me gently, reverently against my back.
"It scares me because it all seems so sudden. In all the years that I was married, it was never like this." Bella's arms tighten around me. "Now isn't the time, but there are things I need to tell you, explain to you. You know some, but you don't know the worst of it."
The gnawing feeling of wanting to protect her rears its head again. What I did know was enough to make me angry. Angry enough to kick his ass and I'm not a violent man. He hurt her. I'm not sure if it was all emotional or physical or both, but he hurt her and made her scared to believe in herself. There is not doubt in my mind, that somehow he had mind fucked her trying to break her.
My anger quickly dissipates knowing that she is here in my arms. The more she touches me, the more I knew that this is real. She will be mine now and he will never hurt her again.
The only thing I can do at this moment is reassure her. "I'll wait as long as you as you need me to. Whenever you're ready to talk, I'll be there for you." I can feel her nod in acceptance against my chest. She presses her lips right above my heart. The simple action makes me shudder as the warmth of her lips penetrates straight through to my heart.
I want her again and it feels right to want her again so soon.
I don't want to scare her more, but I need to say out loud what I'm thinking. "I'll wait because I'm not going anywhere. But I want you to know something. Now that I have you, I'm not letting you go. Don't try to push me away Bella, because I won't let you."
If I scare her by expressing myself out loud, then I will show her what I feel for her. My hands roam down her back, then her ribs to her hips. Gripping softly, I began to move her up and down on me. She moans softly before grabbing my shoulders and leaning back to look me in the eyes. The fear is gone and replaced with desire.
"Look at me. Look in my eyes. I want you to see the truth. I will never hurt you. Or your boys." My fingers dig into her hips reminding me of what she said earlier.
"I know you won't Edward. I know that you would never do anything to hurt me." Bella leans forward, resting her forehead against mine. "I trust you with my heart and my body."
She grabs my face possessively with her tiny hands before crashing her lips to mine. Her kiss is passionate; her tongue teasing my lips open before diving in. The taste of her tongue is heady, an erotic flavor that is consuming me, driving me wild. This is something I will never tire of, never stop wanting.
My hands grip her hips moving her against me. Our moans of pleasure mingle together filling the room. With her heat surrounding me and clenching me tightly she climaxes. I surrender with her. My body and my heart.
I know that she has to be uncomfortable because my ass is hurting from sitting on the ground. If it was up to me, I would stay like this with her forever. Lifting her up we both moan at the loss of contact. Once I'm on my feet, I help her up. Shyly she asks me where the restroom is and I point her over to the door behind my desk.
After picking up our littered clothes strewn across the room, I put my boxers and pants back on. Laughing at myself for tearing up a perfect good shirt just to feel her skin against mine I shake my head. In the closet, I pick out one of the shirts I keep on hand just in case I spill something on my shirt. Never did I dream that I would need one from ripping it apart in the moment of passion.
My head snaps over to Bella when I hear her walk out of the bathroom. My breath catches in my throat at the sight of her. She is gloriously naked standing before me. For once she doesn't seem shy at the lack of clothes, but stands before me like a goddess in all her beauty.
Her body is flush from where we made love, the fluorescent lights from above are shining down on her making her skin have an ethereal glow. My eyes roam her body drinking her in, intoxicating myself on her beauty. When my eyes land on her hips, I see the bruises that my fingers left behind from holding her too tight.
Rushing over to her, I drop to my knees to inspect the damage I had inflicted marking her beautiful skin. My fingertips ghost over the bruises, a perfect match to my hand print. "Oh Bella. I hurt you."
Confusion crosses her face before her eyes look down at her hips. She smiles widely, her eyes crinkling up around the edges as the smile reaches her eyes. "No you didn't."
"Don't say that to just to make me feel better." Shamed, I lower my head down looking to the ground. I know Bella is just trying to placate me.
"I'm not." Bella's fingers stroke my face, down my jaw, placing her finger under my chin lifting my face up to hers. "You made me feel something I have never felt before. You made me feel wanted. I could feel the need you had for me in the way that you touched me. I loved every second of it."
Even though Bella doesn't seem hurt or worried about me bruising her, I still can't help but feel guilty.
"Besides, I believe I asked you to mark me Edward." Her lips turn up into a mischievous grin. "Please don't be upset." Her fingers stroke my hair. I close my eyes and growled. I didn't like the idea of marking her beautiful skin, but when she talks like this, I am dumbfounded.
Taking Bella's underwear, I hold them out for her to step back into them, pulling them up in place, doing the same with her pants. I slip her bra up her arms, over her shoulders placing a kiss over her heart before hooking the closure together. Sliding her shirt up her arms, I fasten each button as she watches me intently.
Dressing her is almost as erotic as taking her clothes off. It also gives me the feeling of protecting her, covering her so that I am the only one who gets to see her naked.
"I want you to know that this isn't just about sex for me. It's much more than that. I think we both know it. With that said, I can't keep my hands off of you." Gathering Bella up against my chest, I hold her close to me wishing we were naked again so I could feel her skin.
"I know it's not just about sex. Besides, I would be really disappointed if you did keep your hands off me." Bella giggles making me chuckle in return.
"Come on, let's eat." I wrap my arm around her waist leading her over to the couch in the sitting area of my office. Next time she comes to see me, maybe we can make it to the couch before I pounce on her.
"I hope you like what I brought. I wasn't sure if you liked pastrami or ham so I made one of each. There is potato salad and a fruit salad. I also brought dessert." She rambled on nervously.
"It sounds great. All of it." We set out everything on the coffee table. She placed a sandwich on a paper plate before heaping on the potato salad and fruit salad. It looked better than if we had gone to a deli and picked it out. I pick the pastrami, devouring it and everything else she had put on my plate. The sex with her caused my appetite to increase tenfold.
As we eat, we talk about the kids. She tells me how Patrick is doing in school and about a project he is working on that is due before winter break. Then she goes on to tell me about Pacey and the things he is doing in preschool. He has a friend named Charlie that he plays with the most while he is there. They do everything together in school, even occasionally painting each other's faces.
In turn I tell her about Claire. Bella listens as I talk about her love of art and singing. That reminds me of the Christmas songs that Alice said they would be singing on the last day of school before winter break starts.
"Alice said their going to sing Popsicle toes in front of the whole school. They have to wear their pajamas and get up on stage and sing." I have no idea what the song means, but the thought of all those kids up on stage singing in their pajamas sounds like it would be so cute.
"The kindergartners must do that every year. We came and watched Mary sing it last year when she was in kindergarten. Patrick will be singing that day too but I don't know what the name of the song is yet." Bella looks up at me through her lashes. "Maybe we can sit together."
"That sounds like a date." I reply with a wink. "Now, what is for dessert?"
"Well, since you seemed interested when I told you I made Cherry Yum Yum for Emmett, I thought I would make you some so you could try it."
Images of taking that dessert and spreading it across Bella's breasts and licking it from her nipples, run through my mind. Momentarily I close my eyes and a moan slips out.
"Is something wrong Edward?" Bella questions, arching an eyebrow at me with a knowing smirk on her face.
"Well. When you told me about the dessert…I kind of had a fantasy." I hope Bella won't think I am some pervert.
"What kind of fantasy could you have about a dessert Edward?" Bella was quiet a moment then blushes. "Oh."
Gathering Bella up in my arms, I pull her on my lap. Thinking of what I would like to do with the dessert on her body have made me hard again. As Bella settles on my lap, I can tell by the look on her face that she can feel me.
"Ever since we were together, I can't get you off my mind. You're on my mind day and night. I dream about you. About the things I want to do to you, and you do to me. The instant that you told me about this dessert, the images I conjured up in my mind were erotic. It makes me hard just thinking about it." Lifting my hips, I push up into her grinding my erection into her. "I wanted to take it and smear it all over you and lick it off. If we were at home right now, that is exactly what I would do."
Bella giggles. There is something about the sound of her giggling and being happy that makes me all warm inside.
Damn, I'm turning into a girl!
"Well, since we aren't at home so I can let you do that to me, you will just have to settle for eating it out of a bowl." Bella kisses my lips softly and then rubs against me before climbing off. As she bends over to uncover the dessert, she wiggles her ass at me. It drives me insane how she can go from being shy one second and being a vixen the next.
She fixes me a bowl of the dessert and hands it to me with a smile on her face. She knows that I am going to enjoy it in more ways than one. After one bite, I moan again at the delectable concoction and decide that yum yum was an appropriate name for it.
"Do you like it?" Bella questions before taking a bite herself. Transfixed I watch as her lips wrap around the spoon and it disappears in her mouth. She closes her eyes and moans just as I had before.
"Yes. This is delicious. Promise me you will make it for us to have at home one night." She nods and I hope she understands what exactly I want to do with it when we were alone.
We both continue to eat in companionable silence. Even with the serious and not so serious talking, it seems she is as comfortable with me as I am with her. Once we were finished, Bella and I clean up the mess we made and packed what was left over and put it into my office refrigerator for later.
"Thank you for a wonderful lunch." Pulling Bella into my arms, I hold her against me. In response, Bella wraps her arms around my lower back, snuggling her head into my chest.
The thought of going without seeing each other as long as before bothers me. I begin to worry about when I will see her next. There is no way I can go that long without seeing her again. "Come to dinner Friday night. Bring the boys. Claire and I will cook you dinner. Then we'll watch a movie, play a game, whatever you want. Just come."
"That sounds wonderful." Bella responds, raising her head up to look me in the eyes. The apprehension isn't there like before, but I can tell that she is still nervous about us. Dinner will be just a start to qualm her fears and convince her and the boys that we are meant to be.
BPOV
"Thank you Emmett for coming to fix my sink. You didn't have to. I called Alice so that she could give me the name of a plumber and she insisted that I call you."
In a way, I was glad that Emmett came to help me. It killed two birds with one stone. I wanted to talk to him anyway. Emmett had always been like a big brother to me and I needed some big brother advice. In a serious way.
I knew that I could have talked to Alice. She would have been more than happy to talk to me. The only thing was that Alice had already made up her mind about Edward. She thought he was perfect for me. Right now I didn't need her giving me her little visions of my future. She meant well I know, but I needed something more than just hocus pocus.
Back when I first started dating Mike, she had warned me that she didn't trust him. She told me he wasn't the one for me. If I had listened to her, I wouldn't have ended up with Mike. I said once that I would never doubt her again and I don't doubt her in the least. But this is something that has nothing to do with second sight or visions.
My grandmother would be more than happy to talk to me too, but she would start in about Mike and how anybody would be better than him. The last time I had talked to her she cursed and told me what an asshole Mike had been. Which was really funny as shit. Nobody knows better than me how true that statement is, but that is just not what I need right now.
What I wanted was a man's perspective. If my father was here, I would have talked to him. My chest tightened at the thought. It still bothered me that my parents were gone. Maybe if I hadn't been grieving, I wouldn't have even thought about Mike. Even though I regret how things turned out with Mike, I can't regret that my decision brought the two most beautiful things in my life.
Since I didn't want to talk with a woman about my problems, Emmett was the next best thing. Hopefully he would be okay with it.
"Alice was right to tell you to call me. Since I sold you the house and you're like my little sister, I wouldn't have it any other way." Emmett grins before rubbing my head like a big brother would do. I smile in return not only at the sentiment, but happy that he fells the same way. I would use what he just said against him.
Emmett begins to gather his tools placing them back in his tool box. After he loads everything back in his truck, he comes back in to clean up the rest of his mess.
He washes his hands and turns to me with a grin on his face. "So what do you have to eat?" Seeing Emmett like this makes me remember all of the times when we were kids. Even then he ate like a bear.
Since I still had some ham and pastrami left, I offer him a sandwich. When I ask him which one he wants, he just grins again and says both. He instantly starts in on the sandwiches I made devouring them along with the potato chips I have placed on the plate.
"If anybody else saw you they would wonder if you were starving. You eat like Rose never feeds you and I know for a fact that she does."
"What can I say?" Emmett shrugs with no regret. "I have a high metabolism. Besides, I worked up an appetite fixing your sink."
I had to laugh at that. "At least some things never change." I pause a moment, wondering how I want to ask Emmett what I want to ask. "Do you have a minute to spare?"
Emmett cocks his head at me. "Sure, what else do you need?"
"I want to talk to you about something." Taking a deep breath I draw up the courage to begin. "Emmett? What do you think of Edward?"
Emmett shifts in his seat like he is uncomfortable and then confusion flashes in his eyes for a moment before he answers. "I'm not sure what I can tell you about him, I haven't known him much longer than you have. Alice likes him, so does Jasper. Mary thinks Claire is her bff." Emmett chuckles, using air quotes to emphasize the bff part. "Why don't you ask Alice?"
"I could. I already know how Alice feels about him. And you know how Alice gets when she has one of her feelings." I roll my eyes and laugh making Emmett laugh along with me. "I just wanted to ask what you thought about him. As you said before, you're like my big brother and that's what I need right now, some big brother advice."
Emmett stops laughing and looks down at his lap. "Maybe I'm not the best person for you to ask."
It is my turn to be confused. "Why would you say that Emmett?"
His eyes meet mine and I watch as regret flashes in his eyes. "I feel responsible for what happened between you and Mike. He was my friend. I was the reason you met him. You and Alice came to practice to see me and that is where you first saw him. Then he came to the house to see me and there you were. He would have never come sniffing around you if wasn't for me." Emmett's hands ball up into fists causing his knuckles to turn white from the strain. "Every time I think about how he treated you and the kids I just want to kill him."
"I never knew you felt this way." I murmur as much to him as to myself. In all the years I have known Emmett, I knew he was protective, but I had no idea that he would go to such extremes for me.
"I was too ashamed to say anything. Since I found how he treated you, I couldn't look at you the same way anymore. I was afraid that you would think I let you down." Emmett whispers.
My fingers wrap around his forearm in an attempt to calm him. "It's not your fault Emmett. Don't blame yourself. None of us knew that Mike was like that. He hid it very well."
Emmett is quiet for a moment before he his forehead wrinkles up in an angry scowl. "He didn't deserve you. You and the kids were the best thing that every happened to him and he threw it all away. When Alice called me that night and asked me to come and help you and the kids move, you don't know the relief I felt that you and the kids were getting away from that monster."
"I'll say this again. It's not your fault. If anyone is to blame it's me for not speaking up and saying something sooner. I made the choice to stay. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying and trying to make a family for my children." Tears are welling up in my eyes, but I push them back knowing that it would just make Emmett feel that much worse to see me cry.
"Did he ever hit you? Or the kids?" He whispers softly, not at all like Emmett.
"No. He pushed me around some but that was as physical as he got. Not once did he hurt the kids. Not physically anyway. He never had the time for them. Mike just wanted to control me and whatever I did. It was more of him dominating me than anything." Emmett stares at me as if he can sense if I am telling him the truth or not before nodding at me accepting my answer.
"That makes me feel a little better knowing that he didn't hurt the kids. It still doesn't make me want to kill him any less." Emmett's arm muscles flex as if readying himself for a fight.
"I think you would have to stand in line. Jasper wouldn't mind getting a few licks in on Mike too." Violence was something I didn't condone, but in Mike's case, I was willing to turn the other cheek.
"What about Edward? What does he think about it?" This time curiosity shone bright in Emmett's eyes.
My eyes shift to my lap at my hands rubbing together nervously. "He doesn't know everything. Not yet." Looking up at Emmett, I decide to say out loud what I am scared to say to anyone else. "I don't want Edward to think any less of me because I let Mike control me the way he did. I don't want him to look at me like I'm weak or feeble. Sometimes I feel like you look at me different since that happened and you know the truth about Mike. Like you're all afraid that I'm going to fall apart and that's not going to happen. I'm not going to fall apart. I feel stronger now more than ever."
Taking a deep breath, I let the anger flow. "Mike doesn't scare me anymore. He can't hurt me. I won't let him ever control me the way he did before. He will never tell me what to do again or how to feel." Frustrated, I throw my arms up in the air. "That's the problem damn it. Now that my feelings are my own and I don't have to worry about how Mike is going to react, I'm still scared. If I showed too much emotion or too little, Mike would become angry telling me to keep myself in check. The only thing he couldn't control was the way I felt about my kids. Anything else, I had to make sure that I wasn't too emotional or I had to watch what I said."
Turning, I look out at the window to control my anger. "All those years, I lived without emotion or too scared to express myself. My writing gave me an outlet, giving me the opportunity to express myself without fear of making Mike mad. My children were the light of my life and it was easy to show all my love and joy of them with them. But I couldn't share anything with Mike for fear he might get mad. If the children did anything worth sharing, Mike didn't want to hear it. When my writing was finally accepted by an editor and it was about to be published, I couldn't share it with Mike because he would be mad. There was nothing I could share with him that was personal. He just didn't care."
My throat tightens at the thought of the way my life used to be and how it can be if I can give it a chance. "Now I have a chance to be happy again. There is someone who wants to share things with me and talk to me instead of at me. I have a chance to be held and loved the way that I could only dream of. My children might actually have a man in their life who would want to spend time with them. And I'm scared to say it out loud. I'm scared to tell Edward how I feel because I'm afraid. It's never been easy for me to express myself out loud. Now it is even harder because I wasn't allowed to for so long."
Emmett just stares at me for a moment with so much sympathy that I am afraid I would fall apart after telling him that I wouldn't. "First off, we are just worried about you Bella. If you did fall apart, no one would blame you. As far as the rest of what you said, I don't know what to say. I do know this. If you won't allow yourself to be happy, in a way, Mike is still controlling the way you feel."
This is exactly what I needed to hear. I'm sure Alice would have gotten around to saying the exact same thing, but hearing it from Emmett makes it sound more real.
"Thank you Emmett." I answer quietly. "You couldn't have said anything better than that."
"You have a chance to be happy." Emmett murmurs. "I believe Edward could be the man who can do it. Don't be scared. If Alice and Jasper trust him, then you should to."
"Thank you Emmett." Wrapping my arms around him, he returns the hug squeezing me in one of his bear hugs.
"If you want to thank me, make me another Cherry Yum Yum." Only Emmett could make a joke at this time. It was perfect. He is exactly what I needed to help me.
"Deal." Not only would I make him a dessert, I would make one to take to Edward and Claire's.
Suddenly I know that everything was going to be alright. I am not going to be afraid of my feelings for Edward nor will I be afraid of his feelings for me.
A/N: Please review and let me know what you think. I will update as soon as I can. Thanks! Since I have made such a big deal about the dessert, if anyone would like the recipe, just ask in your review. It really is awesome!