Content

by MorbidPet17

A Finanda love story. It follows our favorite detective team Rollins and Tutuola as they go through the ups and downs of being partners with benefits so to speak. Trying to keep their relationship a secret is straining. They will encounter two major life crisis and a few hiccups along their way can they make it work?

20. Dealing, not dealing

So the interview with the two investigators from Internal Affairs had been long and draining. Even though she'd gone through in her mind the encounters she'd had with Hall during the years on the Atlanta PD it was still somewhat shocking to get the full extent of it when it was down on paper. Her interview transcript was thick as a bible. If it had been hard to tell it, it was if possible even harder to read it. Reading it made it so bluntly obvious the pattern he had and that so uncomfortable resemblance many of the perpetrators that she met every day in the line of work. She had worked with one of them she realized. She only realized that now. She had bought his excuses back then, it was the alcohol, or his wife leaving him, and even it must be hard working on the force in the shadow of a father that was chief of police. Bah humbug.

She hid the transcript at the bottom of her desk drawer and tried to push it a way for a while. But the notion that a trial was soon on the horizon made it hard for her to push it all to the side. The appointed ADA came up from Atlanta to talk to her and go through her witness statement. Sam called every now and then to make sure she was hanging in there and Cragen had been on her to see the counselor. She'd asked if she could just wait until the trial was over and he'd let her persuade him that it was better to wait. It wasn't so hard being around him as she first thought it would be. He'd looked pale and gloomy once that initial interview was over. She had a hard time meeting his eyes right afterwards since she saw the pity there. But the next day the pity had been gone and he'd been acting as normal sending her out on a new assignment. Sure he did call her in at times to check if she'd heard anything about a court date being set or anything else even though she knew he were in contact with both Sam and the ADA. So she knew it was his way to make sure she was hanging in there and she could more easily deal with that than a serious sit down.

But the waiting was wearing her down even though she pretended it wasn't. Knowing that the trial could happen any week now was nerve-wrecking. She couldn't even imagine how it would be sitting in court telling everyone, surely many faces present that she knew from Atlanta PD, and they would all look at her. Judge her. It would be all over the state news she knew it. Her parents would probably read about it and if they knew she came home they would figure out for sure that she was a part of the case. They would probably not bring it up though but it would be yet another thing hanging between them and the relationship that was already strained. She didn't need this right now. She had Fay. She needed to be there for Fay and not half of the time be somewhere else in her mind.

She focused really hard to be present when she was alone with her daughter. During the day she focused on work which was easy to dive into. The nights were bad though. She was selfish at times and kept her daughter up as long as possible cause once she was asleep Amanda was completely alone with her thoughts. She didn't sleep well. Familiar nightmares were reoccurring. She felt how she started to withdraw from Fin too. Although she wanted him there at night to distract her it got uncomfortable. She fell asleep with him on the couch only to wake them both up with a nightmare. She felt so embarrassed. And he'd just seemed unsure what to do. It became awkward and it was just easier to shut him out. He hadn't slept over for the past two weeks now. She'd been at his place twice last week but it had been awkward. She wasn't really into it and she knew he felt it. This last week she'd just stayed away.

Thankfully they were busy at work with a tricky case. The entire squad was on the case which involved a serial rapist who targeted women who all worked late night shift which meant they were home asleep during the day. He attacked them in their own apartments, entering through the fire escape. He wore a mask and a condom so they had neither a face or dna from the victims. The two first victims were residents of Manhattan while the third lived in Brooklyn. But the common link had been quick to find. They all worked at St Luke's-Roosevelt hospital center. They zeroed in on a former boyfriend of the first victim first but then the case turned to one of the male nurses who'd actually been one of the first who pointed out the former boyfriend.

They had been staking him out since he left his night shift early this morning. He'd been at his apartment but managed to sneak out somehow which only made them more certain this was their guy. They were now desperately trying to find out which of the currently off shift nurses who lived alone or would be without a significant other. He targeted women in apartments so they could rule out a few that lived in houses. They found two potential victims and tried to get a hold of them just to be on the safe side. One of them answered her phone and she walked over to a neighbor until a police car would come sit with her. The other nurse didn't answer her phone though and they rushed over to her apartment building. She lived alone. Nick and Olivia went into the main door while Amanda and Fin took the alley behind the building to check out the fire escape. They rounded the building just as their suspect was pulling down the ladder to the fire escape. He ran as soon as he saw them.

They both took up the tail but Amanda was quicker and Fin tried to alert backup cause this guy was running. He was going to lose them soon but got a hold of Olivia so he knew she was coming. Liv let him know Nick was coming in the car. Fin tried to stay with Amanda and the suspect but they were rather far ahead by now. He lost them out of sight as they rounded a corner. Fin figured they would be long gone once he got there and had paced down as he was giving Liv directions through the phone trying to catch his breath at the same time. Once he got around the corner though he immediately saw the suspect in the alley. He was facing a wall, turned away from Fin. No sight of Amanda. Fin got his gun up and walked in a couple of steps so he could see behind the garbage pile. Amanda was standing back to the wall, palms flat against the wall behind her. She was paler than usual and her eyes were big and round like she was scared. The suspect had his hand on her jacket collar. Not so threatening though. He was talking to her but Fin couldn't hear any of it. Fin could see the gun still in her holster and he didn't understand why she didn't go for it.

"Hey, step away from her," he yelled with his gun pointed. The suspect jumped and turned to face him quickly.
"I didn't touch her. I promise," he started blabbering quickly and held his hands up in the air as he saw the gun. Fin pulled him roughly even further out from the wall, away from Amanda who was still frozen in the exact same position against the wall.

"Get down. Get down I said. Hands behind your head," Fin yelled as the man kept repeating he hadn't touched her, that he was innocent. As the man was down on the ground and Fin had his knee on his back he put down his gun at the same time as he was throwing worried looks Amanda's way.
"You okay?" he tried yelling at her but she didn't answer.
"I didn't do anything. I didn't touch her," the man kept saying franticly and Fin told him to shut up as he cuffed his hands behind his back.

"Stay there," Fin told him and used his head as leverage to get back up on his feet, smashing his face down into the ground only being a benefit. He got over to Amanda who was still frozen up against the wall.
"Are you hurt?" he asked as he put his hands on her. He could feel the tension in her entire body. She was stiff as a board and as he took a closer look on her face he could see and hear she was only taking very shallow breaths. Her face was pale, eyes wildered.

"Breathe. Are you okay?" he asked but she seemed unable to answer. Her eyes started moving slightly though. He put his hand on her jaw and pulled her head towards him. He could feel the stiffness in her neck.
"You okay?" he asked with great concern. He'd never seen her like that before. He took a closer look at her body, looking for blood or something that hinted to an injury but he found nothing. He looked back down her face as she started gasping for air. Her legs suddenly gave way and he held on to her as she slid down the wall. Liv came running down the alley put her hand on the suspect as she looked further in at Fin and Amanda.

"You okay?" she yelled.
"I didn't touch her," the suspect screamed again. Nick had parked nearby as well as a patrol car that had responded to their call over the radio of a suspect on the run. Liv stepped away as Nick took over the suspect. She came up towards Fin and asked again if everything was okay.
"Yeah, yeah," Fin said quickly and turned towards her, trying to hide Amanda with his body.
"You sure?" Liv asked with some doubt in her voice.
"Yeah we're fine. Take the suspect in. We'll follow later on," he said and gestured her away. Nick had gotten the suspect up on his feet and Liv turned and followed them to the car. She shrugged her shoulders when Nick shot her a confused look.

Fin sat with Amanda for a long time. Just gave her space. After gasping for air Amanda had started shaking visible. Her breathing remained strained for quite some time. He saw small drops of sweet form on her forehead and she remained very pale after the shaking started to worn off. He could tell once she started to get a grip on herself because her eyes became shy, her whole demeanor became shy.
"You wanna try and get up?" he asked once he figured she might be strong enough. She gave him a slight nod and she let him grab her arm to help her stand up. He didn't push and let her gather herself once up on shaky legs. When she was ready, he let her set the pace, he followed her out of there and all the way back to their car. No one said anything. Not during the walk back nor during the drive back to the station.

Once back Cragen met them and let them know Liv & Nick was questioning the suspect. He was singing like a bird. Cragen asked if everything was okay and Fin covered for them. Fin asked if she wanted to watch the interrogation but she declined and sat down at her desk. He headed down the hall though and looked through the window. He couldn't fully concentrate on the interrogation as his mind wandered back to that alley and whatever it was that was going on with his partner. He cursed himself for being such a coward and not asking her straight out. Why did he have such a hard time dealing with sensitive stuff? He feared he'd cross some line with her. Like having sex with your partner wasn't already crossing a line but this was different. He could connect the dots. He knew IA had talked to her, that an ADA from Atlanta was probably prepping her for a court date and that Cragen had the whole story. He knew Cragen was worried about her by the way he looked at his partner with concern in his eyes whenever she had her back to him.

And he knew by knowing his partner that this was serious and tearing her down slowly. That first blow-up at that construction site, when her old captain from Atlanta showed up, had been weird and a bit earthshaking. And then she'd seemed to slip into some sort of isolation once her ex captain left and after those IA investigators came to see her the week after. She'd seemed distant and sad and he'd been afraid to approach her about it. They still hooked up but she felt somewhat disconnected even in bed. It made him more cautious, more focused on her needs than his own which was rare. Her urge had changed and it took her longer to come since she seemed to hold back some. Like she was preoccupied thinking about something else while with him.

So when she had that panic attack in the alley he knew he couldn't chicken out any longer. Whatever was on her mind was affecting her to the point it put her life in danger. If that man had been a murdering serial with an appetite for guns or knives she could have been dead now and that thought scared him even more than confronting her. So he invited himself in for dinner. She'd turned him down with a headache as an excuse though and he let her have that void hoping it would dawn on her she couldn't go on like this. Liv had stopped him on the way out that night.

"Hey, is Rollins okay?" she'd asked. Fin had hesitated but since he felt a need to talk about it he figured it wouldn't be betraying her if he just didn't spill everything.
"I'm not sure," he answered. Liv had nodded in that concerned and compassioned way she often did.
"Did something happen in that alley today?"
"She freaked out a bit," he said and he could tell by the look she gave him that she would follow up on that.
"Freaked out how?" Fin wasn't sure what to say. He didn't want to say panic attack if it was in fact not that, he wasn't skilled enough to diagnose it. He copped out by shrugging his shoulders. Liv nodded and seemed to think about it.
"Can I help?" she offered.
"I'm not sure I can," he confessed and Liv put her hand on his arm as she saw how sad it made him to say that.
"Can I help you?" she asked after a slight pause. He thought about it.
"I'll let you know," he said with a smile. He said it mostly to be kind, didn't want to hurt her feelings. But he knew that when it came to Amanda he couldn't ask anyone else for help, he feared he'd exposed his true feelings for her if he did.

The next day he didn't give her a chance to cop out of dinner. He sat in his car opposite her building and waited for her to come driving by as she'd been to pick up Fay first. She blinked her lights to alert him but he'd already seen her car coming down the street. He gave her another minute since he knew she had to drive down and then get Fay and her stuff with her upstairs. He still beat her up there and waited by the elevator when they arrived. Fay gurgled something as she spotted him and Amanda handed her over as the girl reached for Fin. Amanda was thankful for the weight relief as she was also carrying her own running bag, Fay's backpack and a grocery bag. Fin gave the girl a big hug before he stepped after Amanda and grabbed for her running bag and grocery bag to give her even more relief. She let him have them without a fight, she was used to this.

"Did you behave today or were you yourself?" Fin asked the girl as she was poking at his cheek. Amanda had reached the door and got the key in as she sent him a tired smile.
"She was good," she said as she pushed the door open and went inside.
"No? You can be good? I don't believe it," he said and bounced her on his arm. She started giggling immediately. Amanda took the running bag and grocery bag back so he could undress Fay. She left the running bag on the floor and went inside with the groceries. He helped Fay get the jacket and shoes off and then tried to put her down but she hung on to his shirt so he rose up again with her still attached to his arm. He walked inside and found Amanda putting things in the fridge.

"You hungry?" she asked without turning around.
"You know me," he just said as he watched her back. He got disturbed by Fay putting a finger in his eye though and he pretended to bite after her finger. The girl giggled so much bubbles formed between her lips.
"You slob you," Fin teased and poked her in her tummy which only made her giggle even more.
"I think she's tired, maybe I should just start dinner straight away," Amanda suggested as she closed the fridge door and her eyes went by them on her way back to the grocery bag on the counter.

"Can I help?" he asked.
"Nah deal with her. But is it okay if I just make some pasta and sauce?"
"We love mama's pasta and sauce don't we?" Fin said and took Fay's nose to make her laugh again.
"I have a piece of chicken left from yesterday. I can reheat it for you?" she offered.
"Awesome," he said and smiled at her. They held each other's eyes for a bit before Fay demanded his attention again.
"You wanna go play?" he said and pinched her stomach.

"Just holler if you need help," he told her and then took Fay into the bedroom to see what she wanted to play with. He sat her down in the doorway and she immediately ran over to the big unicorn in the corner. She jumped on its back and then gave it a big hug around its neck. He smiled as he watched. She loved unicorns. Her first one had just been a gift from him when she was born, something he grabbed at the convenience store, but it had become her favorite stuffed toy. She'd slept with it, took it to nursery school, in the car, everywhere. And then of course one day it was gone.

She wasn't completely devastated but she missed it. Fin had bought her that big laying down unicorn that week her original one got lost. It looked somewhat like the old one but way bigger. It made him happy she liked it and that it seemed to have worked as a replacement. These days though she had plenty of unicorns around. Whenever there was a toy with a unicorn – activity book, blocks and so on – Fin had to buy it. Amanda begged him to stop, she didn't want to spoil her with things, but Fin couldn't stop. He cut down but he didn't stop. He sat down and pulled out the toy drawer from underneath Amanda's bed. Fay came over and sat down in his lap.

"Whatcha wanna play with Fay Fay?" he asked as he grabbed at different things. He found the plush picnic basket he knew came from Amanda's mother and that Fay got when they visited Atlanta over Thanksgiving. He found it cool. The smiling watermelon piece and the smiling ice cream cone were his favorites. The ice cream cone was Fay's favorite too though so he rarely got to keep it. Today though she didn't seem to want to play with the plush basket and treats at all and went straight for the melody unicorn. She found the on button quickly and a short melody let them know it was on. Fay squeezed the soft horn and then waited for the sound. When she heard it she laughed heartfelt.

"Do the muzzle. Do the nose Fay," Fin asked and she squeezed the muzzle and a different tune was heard. Another laugh from the precious little being and Fin kissed her on the top of her head. She went on for a while pushing different spots knowing exactly where she could generate sound. Fin helped at times. He liked the sound the muzzle did and pushed it most often. 'You're a bigger kid than her' Amanda had accused him once when she'd watched the two play together. He couldn't argue with that but he'd still made her pay by tickling her until she choked with laughter. Fay had helped him tickle her and it had just been one of those really good days. Fay lost interest in the unicorn soon and he was impressed every time he watched her turn it off when she was done. What seventeen month old did that? He'd never heard of one anyway. She grabbed the bowling ball to this plush monster bowling set he'd bought her for her first birthday.

"You wanna bowl? Common let's bowl," he said and started to collect the bowling pins in the drawer. They were all soft and colorful with cute monster faces at the top. He got her to stand up so he could crawl out a bit onto the open floor. He sat up the pins while she just stood there watching him with the bowling ball in her hand. She still hadn't grasped the concept of this game yet but he was determined to teach her. He couldn't wait until he could take her out bowling for real. It was such a cool and relaxed sport, just his type of sport. When the pins were all set up into a somewhat perfect triangle Fin tried to get her to toss the ball but she just stood there and watched him with a 'whatcha talking about' face.

He crawled over to her and then tried to get her to move her hand back and forth but she never let go off the ball once they reached the 'forth' and he ended up tossing the ball instead. He only managed to knock over one single pin and he got miffed he wasn't better. But Fay walked over and as she grabbed the ball she knocked down a pin with her leg and then she knocked down another with a kick and soon she was just moving around knocking down all six of them and then continuing roaming around even after they were down.

"Just like your mom," Fin sighed and came over and joined the fun. He lay down on his back and soon he had her in his hands above his head and the game was for her to grab a pin whenever he put her down to either side. She then dropped the pin in his face which made her both laugh and meant the pin would be down by his head to grab again as he let her go down. And that's how Amanda found them when she came walking in.

"I see a visit to the bowling alley is still not in the near future," she said with some bite to it and he made a face at her before he continued what he was doing.
"She did knock down a pin this time, with her ass though," he said and put her down so he could blow on her tummy.
"Glad my daughter's ass is showing more potential than just sitting down on it," she said and it earned her another look. A look that got interrupted by yet another pin hitting him straight in the nose. It made both Fay and Amanda laugh.

"Dinner's ready in ten. I'm just gonna take a quick shower 'key?"
"Sure. You want me to set the table?" he asked.
"It's done. And I'll be out in a minute," she shot him a smile before she headed into the bathroom.

"Dinner in ten," Fin told Fay who was waving around since she wanted to grab another pin off the floor.
"That's your luck cause I'm hungry enough to eat… you!" he lowered her down with 'you' and blow on her tummy again. It tickled so much she had to pull her arms to her as she laughed and she didn't manage to grab a pin before he put her up in the air again. She looked disappointed once up again and he lowered her to the side so she could grab not one but two pins this time around. She looked happy again. She was easy to please.

A few minutes later Amanda opened the door to the bathroom again. She found the two still on the floor but now Fay was standing on Fin's stomach and he tried to raise her up by holding on to her wrist. He'd seen this YouTube clip not long ago where this remarkable kid did the most amazing balancing acts. The kid's parents were some Circus Soleil acrobats so it wasn't such a surprise and Amanda played it like she wasn't so happy he used her kid to get on YouTube. She trusted him with her own and their kid's life though so it was mostly just an opportunity to ridicule him some cause there were no way Fay would ever manage any of what that kid did. Not for a year or two at least. Fay was progressing well and did well on her feet but she was also the kid who really couldn't stand upright in a bouncing castle. Perhaps not so much that she couldn't but she just seemed to think it was funnier to lie down and let others do the job. Fin had called that smart thinking when he saw it for the first time.

"Bowling and acrobats in one day? You do set the bar high," she smiled when she saw them. The sound of her voice and the smell of her shampoo made him loose focus and he let the girl's wrists go so he could look over at her. She was drying her hair with a towel, wearing an old softball tee and short black shorts. How she managed to make that look sexy was still beyond him but hadn't Fay been there he'd growled at her. Fay jumped off his stomach and ran over to her mom. Amanda saw her coming and held out her arms to pick her daughter up as she came running. Besides the habit of putting things in her mouth Fay also just recently developed a nose and smell fascination. Fin rolled over to his side and watched as Fay took a big sniff in her mother's newly washed hair. He wanted to do just the same. And soon enough as he expected:

"No, not in the mouth Fay," Amanda complained and put her daughter down. Fin smiled.
"Okay we're eating," she said and tossed the towel back into the bathroom. Fay hung on to Amanda's shorts as they walked out. Fin caught himself hoping she would pull just a little bit harder and smiled even wider.

"Can you fix her?" Amanda asked and Fin took a hold of Fay and swung her through the air before he landed her in her high chair. Amanda checked the pasta under the lid and then stirred the sauce a bit before she took a peek in the oven. Everything looked good and she turned everything off.
"What do you want to drink?" she asked Fin as she poured water into Fay's zippy cup.
"A soda?" he suggested and she grabbed a Coke out of the fridge as she walked back to the table. She put them down in the middle and watched her daughter smile at her as Fin was putting the bib on her. She shot her a wide smile back and then turned back to get some food on the table. She was putting the pasta in a bowl when she felt Fin sneak up behind her. She felt his hands on her back first and then they came around her stomach. She felt his body press slightly up against her as his face came down in her hair.

"Smells divine," he whispered as he inhaled deeply. It could be multiple things he meant but anyone of them made her feel happy and she put her hand lightly on top of one of his. She salvage the short minute before he stepped away again. He respected that she didn't want mixed signals in front of Fay and even though that move would have sent mixed signals to anyone else they knew it was still just a hug for a one year old. She put the bowl with pasta and the sauce pan on the table and took the plate Fin was handing her so she could get him his piece of chicken. Fin meanwhile put some pasta on a plate for Fay as she was getting restless and chopped it up before he poured sauce on it.

"Oh the beans," she said and rushed to the fridge. "Chop some in there please," she asked and handed him a bowl of green beans. Veggies were important she thought and she ignored Fin's scrunched up face. He did as told and then pushed the plate over to Fay who was already ready with her combined fork and spoon, her spork. Fin loved that spork of hers. Amanda pushed the water closer to her as she sat down on the other side of the table from Fin. She loaded her own plate with pasta and then poured some sauce over it as Fin dug into the pasta.

"You're not drinking anything?" he asked and she shook her head.
"Maybe later. I'm just starving right now," she said and put a fork full of pasta and sauce in her mouth.
"Same table manner," Fin sighed as he looked from Amanda to Fay but neither of them bothered with him. They both just saw food. But Amanda tired quickly of her plate. That's another thing that hinted to Fin she wasn't at her best. That girl could eat, not gain a pound but eat as a horse. And when food didn't sit well it was a clear sign she was worried about something or preoccupied with something.

"I thought you were starving?" he asked after her fork had been down for quite some time.
"I ate to fast," she said with a sigh and borrowed Fay's spork to push her food back to the middle of the plate as Fay grabbed her cup and had some water. Amanda helped her daughter out a little and fed her a few spoons before she put the utensil back in Fay's hand so she could finish on her own. She then leaned back in her seat.

"This chicken is yummy. You should cook with a headache more often," he said and looked up at her from underneath his eyebrows. The chicken was good but it was also to let her know he hadn't bought her headache story yesterday. Their subtle way of communication. Amanda instead leaned forward with her napkin and wiped some sauce of her daughter's nose. Fay held out a piece of green bean to Fin.

"No, I'm fine. You keep it," he said.
"Oh common, bad role model you," Amanda said. He gave her a look but then grunted and leaned in so Fay could feed him the veggie piece. He tried to smile as he chewed.
"You owe me," he said aimed at Amanda but not turning to look at her. Fay held out another piece for him.

"See, she's just trying to get rid of them," Fin complained but leaned forward to take it but then Fay quickly pulled her arm back just as he was about to bite down and she stuck the piece in her own mouth. Amanda started laughing hysterically. Fay smiled as she chewed. Fin tried to keep his surprised look on his face but it soon cracked.
"You cheeky girl," he smiled at Fay as Amanda kept laughing. Fin looked at her and it was so nice to hear and see her laugh. He tossed his napkin at her.

"That was classic," she managed to say as her laughter died down. She had tears in her eyes from laughing. Fay tried the same trick on her mom and Amanda let her. As it didn't earn as much laughter this time around Fay soon got tired of it and continued just feeding herself as best she could. She wasn't brilliant feeding herself yet but if you just gave her time she would clean the plate. It just made dinner take a little longer which was fine though as it meant the rest could finish their food too. Fin was done and put his fork down. He leaned back too, very content. They were both quiet and watching Fay when Fin felt Amanda's foot come up on his knee. He caught her eye and she shot him a tiny smile. He put his hands under the table and grabbed her foot. He started rubbing in affectionate. As soon as Fay was done though she demanded to get down and Amanda took her into the bathroom to clean her up a little. Fin took care of the dishes meanwhile. He spun around when he heard Amanda say his name and he found her over in the door to the bedroom.

"You wanna help me with her bath?" she asked and he nodded. He left the rest of the dishes in the sink, dried his hand on the towel nearby and walked over to the bedroom. He found Amanda tapping up water and Fay sitting in the middle of the bathroom with a rubber ducky in her hands.

"Time for your bath munchkin," he smiled and got down on his knees beside her. She held out the ducky at him.
"Ducky's gonna take a bath with you?" he asked and she nodded. He helped her stand up and Amanda looked over as she knew what was coming. Fin made sure he had Fay's eyes and then he leaned back, did his finger gun and said:
"Police you're under arrest," he smiled as Fay put her arms up in the air and he heard Amanda chuckle.
"Good girl," he said and grabbed the hem of her shirt and easily pulled it up over her head.

"If someone saw that they could so get the wrong idea," Amanda said with an amused voice as she turned off the water. Fin shot her a smile. He got Fay's skirt off and then the tights. The girl was busy comparing her belly button to the hole at the bottom of the rubber ducky.
"Does ducky have a belly button too?" Fin asked and Fay held up the bottom of the duck to him.
"Yes he does," Fin made big eyes at her and she smiled brightly probably thinking she made the biggest discovery in the world. He pulled down her diaper and she stepped out of it.

"Ready for splash," he said and gently slapped her on her side to get her going towards the tub. Amanda, who was still sitting by the tub, held out her hands as Fay walked over and once she had her she put her over the ledge. Fin put the diaper in the garbage bin and the girl's clothes on top of the laundry hamper and then joined them. He sat down by the tub about an arm's length from Amanda. Fay had sat down, water reaching almost to her arm pits and the ducky was now floating in front of her. She just kept staring at it which was uncommon because she was usually a bit of a wild one hence why Fin had said 'splash' earlier. Fin put his hand in the water and made some waves for the ducky. Fay smiled and started doing the same.

"Doesn't ducky have friends?" Fin asked and Amanda got a basket from behind her back. She handed it to Fin and he dug out two more ducks and placed them in front of Fay. Amanda leaned her head on her arm on the tub's edge as she watched Fay and Fin splash the ducks around. Fin reached over with his free hand and grabbed Amanda's that laid in her lap. He squeezed it a bit and then held on to it as he played with Fay with the other one. Amanda let them play a bit since she enjoyed just watching the two of them. Then Fay got up and waded over to Fin and gave him a kiss on his forehead. He looked a bit taken by surprise but Amanda just smiled. Fay came over and gave her mom a kiss right on the lips. Amanda stroked her daughter's hair before she sat down again. She took a deep breath and just enjoyed the moment. She then got up on her knees and started to soap her daughter down as Fay and Fin started to play again. Fay seemed to have enough of bathing as Amanda watered her down. She could usually stay in there for a long time, that's why there now were a stack of books by Fay's toy basket. Fay sometimes played on her own in the tub and then Amanda just sat next to her and read.

Fin put a towel around Fay and lifted her up as Amanda stayed put to drain the tub when he'd taken her out of the bathroom. Fay didn't like the sound the drain made when the water poured out. There wasn't much that scared that little girl but the drain was one of the few. Amanda hosed the tub down as it was empty and put the ducks back in the basket. She found Fin putting a diaper on Fay on top of her bed when she walked out. She sat down next to them and just watched them. Fin went over to the bureau to fetch a nightie for Fay. Amanda rolled back on her back and her daughter jumped in her arms. Amanda chuckled and hugged her daughter tight. Fin came walking back and now it was his time to just watch for a while. After a while he took a step closer to Amanda's legs and just leaned down and started to put the girl's legs into the pajama pants. He managed to get them on with some wiggling and force and then had a seat next to them. Amanda couldn't get enough of the smell of her clean daughter but she was also looking forward to reading her to sleep so she eased up on her hug a bit.

"Oh I think Fin is getting jealous," she whispered in her daughter's ear. "Go give Fin a hug too." The girl struggled to get up but then stood up and just had to turn around to put her arms around Fin's neck. Amanda reached out and touched her daughter's back and at the same time swiped her hand over Fin's hand that had landed there. They smiled at each other over Fay's shoulder.

"Okay okay, 'nuff with the emotional hugging. Let's get this on you," Fin said when he couldn't take it much longer. Fay stood up and helped out to get the long sleeve on her.
"Okay fraggle girl, you going night night?" Fin asked and put his finger in her stomach. She was wearing a fraggle rock nightie. Something Amanda had found and bought and she had to explain the Muppet looking creatures to him since he'd never seen them before. Apparently it was some show Amanda had watched as a kid and she'd been ecstatic when she found the nightie for Fay and also some tights with the same pattern. Fay didn't seem to want to go to sleep just yet though and climbed off the bed and over to her unicorn in the corner. Fin watched her as she went but then turned his head back to Amanda who was still fleshed out on the bed.

"You want me to fix her some formula or have you quit?" he asked. She looked at him for a while and then seemed to snap out of whatever thought she'd been caught in and she shook her head as she rolled over to her side.
"Haven't quit completely but since we just ate," she said and let her eyes follow a figure she drew on the bedspread. He let his own finger trace the spread over to her and he interrupted whatever she was painting. He could see her smile as their two fingers moved around each others. She looked up at him when he caught her whole hand in his and they just kept each other's eyes until Fay came over and interrupted them. She tossed one of the monster bowling pins up on the bed to get their attention. When she got them both to look at her she smiled with that most adorable smile that made Amanda's heart ache a little just because it was the most adorable thing in the world.

"Whatcha want?" Fin asked and reached out to tickle her. Fay tossed her hands in the air and it looked as though she said 'I don't know'. But then she spun around once and when she faced them again she hit her palms on the bed a few times. Amanda had no idea what the kid was doing and just smiled at her. Fin put his hands down on top of hers and she pulled hers out and put them on top of his. When he switched again she giggled. But she lost interest quickly and sat down on the floor and started to pull at the drawer underneath the bed. Fin helped her get it out and soon she was busy scrambling through it. She seemed to be fine on her own and Fin lay down on his side next to Amanda. He kissed her on top of her head as his hand just went over it. He let his hand linger in her hair.

"You seem more tired than that kid of yours," he said quietly. She took a deep breath and laid down her head on the bed.
"No I'm just relaxed," she said.
"No headache tonight?" he asked and she shook her head after a slight pause. He couldn't really see her face the way they lay right now. He was eager to talk to her but he figured he had to wait until Fay was asleep. He satisfied with just rubbing her head gently and watching the kid play beside the bed for now. It wasn't such a bad situation he was in and there would be time later on to get a bit more serious he thought to himself.

Fay played by herself for a bit but then she seemed to have enough and stood up. She said something not translatable in their ears.
"Huh?" Fin asked. He was a bit more relaxed about the fact that the only thing understandable coming out of the kid's mouth so far was 'mama'. It did stress Amanda out a bit but Fin just said she knew the most important word and he kept trying to convince her that the pediatrician was right that it was too early to worry about it. Fay did understand words though, the pediatrician even said she was above the usual age curve. She could point to different body parts and could take commands very well. The later one only when she felt like it though which thankfully had coordinated with the visits to the pediatrician. Amanda tried to keep in mind that they had escaped every other health and development issue that came with a premature birth so they should count their blessings with just one hiccup.

Fay probably repeated whatever it was she'd first said but again it came out as a new type of gibberish.
"Get up here," Fin said and patted the bed. He grabbed her arm when she struggled to get up on her own and it almost made her fly up when he helped. She crashed down in-between them with a big smile on her face.
"Okay, again, what did you want?" Fin asked as Fay sat up. She planted her hand right on his cheek and he tried to bite at it with his teeth covered by his lips. Fay giggled. She moved her hand to his forehead and then back down to his cheek again.

"You wanna brush your teeth and read a story?" Amanda suggested and touched her daughter's leg to get her attention. Fay looked over at her.
"Brush your teeth?" Amanda said and showed her teeth as she pointed at them. Fay put her hand over her mouth.

"Could be a yes but it could also be a shut up," Fin suggested and got a look from Amanda. Fay got down off the bed though and ran into the bathroom so she'd probably got it after all. Amanda got down after her and left him on the bed after had slapped him over his stomach. After a while he got up and pulled the spread off the bed. He moved the pillows up a bit and then walked over to pull the curtains shut. He got the familiar nightlights on and went over to the crib to get the blanky Fay wanted around when it was time to sleep. Fay was still in her crib but they'd removed the front so she could easily slip out and get over to her mom's bed. He had time to clear some stuff off the table before they came back out.

"Wow cleaning too, what a housewife," she teased as she caught him.
"Just happy I can still surprise you," he said and sent her a cheeky smile. Amanda lifted her kid up on the bed and let her go. She ran her usual two laps around the bed, which she always did if she wasn't too tired. Fin smiled as he recalled that Amanda had told him that she tried it the other night but she was so tired she fell half way through it and just remain lying in the spot she fell. Too cute he thought as he watched her dive in-between the sheets where the lap always ended.

"She's like a dog," Fin said quietly. Amanda heard though and smacked his arm slightly.
"What book you wanna read? Theodore? Good night moon? Or Mr Brown?" Amanda held up some books she found under her night stand. Fin had walked up around the bed and made himself comfortable beside Fay. Fay shook her head at all of Amanda's suggestion. She tried a few others but nothing seemed to please the girl.

"You want hush little baby don't you?" Amanda finally said with a not so amused look on her face. Fay got a smile on her face and Amanda looked over at Fin. Amanda sighed.
"Okay but if you," she pointed a finger at Fin: "bug me about this I'm going to kill you." Fin didn't get what she was hinting at but was use to just going with it. Amanda scrambled through some books and when she found what she was looking for she got up on the bed.

"So I sing to her but I swear to God Fin if you," she wasn't sure how to finish that sentence and just got herself situated instead while she let him figure it out. Fay helped her open up the book and she started pointing to the words when Amanda didn't start. She shot Fin a glance.
"I won't ridicule you, you know me better than that," he whispered.

"It's because I know you," she grunted but cleared her throat. She got started and Fin was surprised she had such a clear tone. He'd heard her sing along to music a little and all but he'd never heard her sing like this and he was quite impressed. Fay pointed to the stars and to the bird and what else Amanda sang. Sometimes Fay just swept her entire hand over the page as she was overwhelmed by the beautiful drawn characters. Fin saw her put her palm to her mom's cheek at one point, the one that was still holding on to blanky, and she just held it there as her other hand followed the characters on the page. With Amanda's sweet singing voice it was such a precious moment he felt overwhelmed by it. The second time through the book Fay's hands had stopped moving and her head fell heavy against her mother's chest. Amanda continued another page with a lower voice just to be on the safe side but then closed the book.
"Oh now I won't know how it ends?" Fin complained with a low voice. Amanda just rolled her eyes at him and tried to slide out from underneath her daughter.

"Will you take her? I need the bathroom," Amanda asked and Fin nodded of course. She put the book down on the bed stand and hurried into the bathroom, closing the door behind her carefully so not to wake the kid. Fin scooped up Fay carefully. He carried her over to the crib with one hand underneath her head and the other one on her butt. He thought it was hysterical to carry her like that because her legs and arms just hung like dead fish when she was sound asleep. She always managed to hang on to blanky for some odd reason though, clinging on to it for dear life it seemed. Amanda of course used to cuss him for laughing at her but at the same time found it somewhat cute. Both the hanging of the limbs and Fin smiling so brightly at it. He put her down very carefully, making sure no limbs fell underneath her.

He got blanky up to her face like he knew she wanted it and then put the cover on her. He made sure she was tucked in nicely and then gave her a kiss on her forehead. Her nose crumbled slightly, he knew his facial hair irritated her at times so he just smiled when he saw that little crumbling nose. It was soon gone though and she was sound asleep making a soothing little wheezing sound with every breath. He tiptoed out of there and dove down into Amanda's comfy couch. He soon heard the toilet flush and he waited for her to emerge. He knew he was going to confront her and usually this notion would make him anxious but tonight he just felt determined. He soon heard her walk across the bedroom with her bare feet, making a short stop at her daughter's crib and then she appeared in the door way. She shut it almost closed and then turned to him.

"You want tea or another soda?" she asked. He held her eye for a bit. She still looked darn good but he had to keep focus and he took a deep breath.
"No I want you here," he said and patted the seat next to her.
"Fin I'm really tired okay," she tried.

"No. Believe it or not my mind is not in the gutter right now," he said with a raised eyebrow. She looked at him suspiciously. Once she realized it wasn't an invitation to have sex there was only one other thing it could be about and she wasn't sure she was up for that either. She didn't really see a way out either so she slowly made her way over to him. She sank down in the seat next to him and he immediately grabbed her and pulled her to him. She fell very naturally into him and they both just sat there in silence for a while. It felt a little like the calm before the storm though. For both of them.

"Just for the record," he said to start things of, "you have a very sweet voice for lullabies." She put an elbow in his side but more lovingly then hurtful. She felt her cheeks blush just slightly. She really didn't do well with compliments. He moved his hand from her shoulder to her forehead and stroked away her bangs a few times. He then grabbed a hold a little and turned her head up towards him.

"What happen yesterday?" he asked, having her eyes fixed with his. Her face showed nothing to start with but then her eyes started wandering.
"When?" she tried but he didn't bite and stayed quiet as he kept looking at her.
"It was nothing. I just got out of breath and I didn't see him when I got around that corner," she then said with many tiny sighs imbedded.
"Bull," he called her out. Her eyes briefly came his way but never really reached his eyes.

"It was nothing Fin," she said and tried to duck out of his grip and get up but he managed to get a hold of her wrist and the recoil made her sit down again. She looked over at him with an annoyed look but he kept his cool.
"Common, Amanda," he said quietly without letting go of her wrist. The annoyed look had disappeared just as fast as it got there and she didn't struggle to get her wrist back. It looked as though she thought about it a while but then she leaned back down against him and he moved his arm around her shoulders again. She got her feet up on the couch and he let her get comfortable again. He gave her time but as usual she stayed quiet and he got impatient.

"What happen?" he asked and squeezed her shoulder gently.
"It really was nothing Fin, it won't happen again," she sighed.
"You froze. That can kill you out there so we need to talk about it. Make sure it doesn't happen again," he explained how he saw it. He was thinking she was under stress for something that was going on back in Atlanta.

"He just…" she hesitated and this time he didn't push her.
"It's true I didn't see him at first, I ran the fastest I could. And then he was just behind me and… when he grabbed me… I don't know… I guess I just...," she had a hard time describing what had happen. She couldn't get around it herself. Or she didn't want to think about it more than necessary to be honest. She couldn't deal with much more right now.

"You froze," he filled in when she didn't say anything. He felt and saw her nod her head. He stroked the side of her head and then let his hand land on her shoulder again.
"Does this have anything to do with whatever it is that's going on in Atlanta?" he decided to just bring everything out on the plate.
"Maybe, yeah," she said after a slight pause.
"Can you tell me about it?"
"It's just… I don't want it here Fin," she said but he didn't get what she meant. He stayed quiet though, gave her time to explain.

"I thought I left it in Atlanta but then suddenly it was here. I mean when Sam came and told me it was… well that it was going to be a trial and all." Fin knew nothing about a trial and he worried she was in deeper than he'd imagined.
"But I want it to stay there. Just get it over with and get back here and just get back to normal. To my new life. With Fay."
"You're going there for trial?" he asked. She nodded.
"When?"
"Next week."
"You want me to go with you?" he asked but she immediately shook her head. She looked up at him.
"I need you to take Fay. Can you?"

"Sure. But we can both go with you," he suggested. She shook her head and looked back down.
"No, I don't want her around that," she said with a low voice, "I might even be back the same night if I'm lucky."
"Why do you have to be there? Are you testifying?" She nodded at his question.
"For the prosecutor or the defense?"
"Prosecutor," she said quickly.

"Did someone do something to you?" he asked and he immediately felt her body distant itself from his. He quickly hindered her by grabbing her around her arm.
"I don't want to talk about it Fin. Not here okay. I don't want it here," her voice was frail. Like she was about to cry.
"Okay but you… You have to understand I can't just settle with what you've given me. I need to know what's beating you down," he needed her to understand how concerned he was about this. He felt her get her breathing back under control and she settled back into him calmly. He wasn't sure how to proceed from here but as he was searching for words she spoke quietly.

"In my desk drawer. At the station. The bottom drawer, in a brown folder at the very bottom of it. There's the transcript of my interview with the IA investigators."
"I can read it?" he asked and felt a bit excited. This meant she trusted him with something big. She nodded after a pause.

"But I don't want to talk about what you read okay? It's thick, you can just browse through most of it, there's just… trifle. A lot of nothing. But we don't talk about it okay?" His time to nod even if he wasn't sure he could stand by it, it would depend on what it said. No one said anything else and soon enough Amanda was sound asleep against his chest. He thought about just settling in and sleep too but he was too eager for whatever he would find in her desk drawer. Then he thought about carrying her in to her bed but then she would kill him if she woke up. So he decided on just as smoothly as he could slip out from underneath her. He held on to her head and gently put her down on the warm spot where he'd just been sitting. He reached for the blanket and then draped it over her. He turned off the light by the couch and restrained himself from bending down and kissing her. He just threw her one last long look and then took a peek inside the bedroom to make sure Fay was still sound asleep. Of course she was and he let the door stay a little bit open so Amanda would hear her in case she woke up during the night. He turned off the light in the kitchen and slipped out of there.

He drove straight to the station. He nodded at some uniforms still lingering as he headed straight for her desk. He pulled out the bottom drawer and easily found the folder she'd mentioned. It was quite thick. He placed it underneath his arm, went past the break room to get a cup of coffee and then headed to one of the boxes further down the hall. He wanted privacy. He placed the folder on the table and put his cup down next to it. He hung his jacket on a chair and then went around the table. He took the chair and turned it so he could sit comfortable. He flipped the folder to him and turned it open. He read Amanda's name on the top of the first table and the rest of the names of the attending during the interview. He read the case number but that didn't tell him much. It was city of Atlanta against an accused named Shane Hall. He got down to the actual transcript of Amanda's interview and started reading.

The very first paragraph told him what type of man Shane Hall was. He was one of those cops. One of those who thought he had the right to give inappropriate comments to female rookie cops. Gave them slander just because of their gender. Make them feel like they didn't belong there. That they could never equal up to him and those he thought of as his peers. It made Fin angry Amanda was exposed to that but it made him proud to hear how she shut him down, tried to just let it run off her like water on a rock. But the growing anguish in his stomach was unstoppable though since he knew the size of this transcript. It was clearly just not 'trifle' as Amanda had called it. Not that the sneers or the innocent sounding taunts was trifle either but it was unfortunately reality for many. He knew she could handle that. But as he read on he could see the pattern. The sneers lead to a misplaced hand on her behind, of course excused by the low life. He'd used the 'I thought it was Derek' excuse and Fin huffed when he read that. After another misplaced hand that led to Amanda giving him quite a nose burn it seemed as though she somehow gained some respect from the man. Fin figured maybe he was impressed Amanda could hold her own.

He seemed to stay away for a while, though kept up with the 'guy talk' that could get a bit offensive. But Amanda stated she could handle it, that it was part of the game and since the other squad members told him to shut up when it got too offensive she didn't have to. But then his drinking seemed to pick up and he seemed to get more handsy again. Fin had to take a break and walk around the small room a while after a section in the transcript where Shane equipped Amanda with a wire during a sting and he clearly stepped over a line. Fin went and got himself a new cup of coffee when he'd cooled down again and then sat down to keep reading. He read how Amanda started to avoid social gatherings after work if Shane would be present. She tried to stay away from him at work to and it seemed her old captain helped out by leaving Shane out of operations on the field. Fin wondered how much her old captain knew about what was really going on in his squad. Fin had to take another break soon again and he smashed his hand into the wire covered window behind him a few times before he settled down. He couldn't put himself in her shoes, he didn't know how it would feel to be subjected to something like that. How it must wear you down and how tiring it must have been to constantly have to avoid someone you worked with.

He sat down again and finished the rest of the transcript. When he closed the folder and gained awareness on his surroundings again he could feel a cold sweat on his back. He felt oddly numb after all the rage that had gone through his body the hours it took to read through it all. He took a few minutes to just breathe before he headed back out. He placed the folder at the bottom of her drawer again. He felt tired, it was close to 2 am. He needed to get a face on this Shane bastard though and turned his computer on. He went into the police files and searched for him. Fin thought even his profile photo reeked of evil. He looked smug. Fin wanted to put his fist through the screen. He went out on the internet searched for his name and got loads of hits. Apparently he came from a well-known family, his father had a solid police career and his uncle was a politician. He found a local newspaper in Atlanta that covered the trial in detail. Apparently it had been running for two weeks now. Six women had put charges up on him. The women wasn't named but Fin could rather easily figure out which one of them were Amanda since he'd now read her statement and knew what charges would be eligible.

In an earlier article it said that the former Atlanta PD detective now transferred to an elite squad in New York would probably make an appearance late in the trail. Fin kept reading for a while. Looked at photos of Shane being led to and from court. He hadn't made bail at first since he was considered a flight risk with all his connections but then they'd change it and equipped him with an ankle bracelet and a fortune in bonds. Fin looked at photos of his father, the former chief of police. He wondered if evil ran in the blood, what crimes his father had gotten away with. Fin started to feel as his eyes were falling shut and he decided to crash in the bunks since he had to start his shift in less than five hours any ways. The few hours of sleep that he got that night was anything but restful, his sleep was haunted by images of Amanda in distress and he woke up every other half hour and had to turn over to try and fall back to sleep.

Amaro would be first on deck as usual that following morning. He'd fight Amanda for that spot the first year but since she became a mom, and a single one too, it meant she had to drop her kid off at daycare first and he had no trouble beating her these days. Cragen was in his office as usual though. But this morning Nick saw Fin's jacket on his chair and went to look for him. He found him still asleep in the bunks and he figured he must have had a busy night and let him have some more shut eye. There was something going on in the squad room these days. Everyone felt it but no one said anything. It had started with Amanda's old captain visiting and her running out with danger glowing in her eyes. She'd been somewhat upside down since then and Fin was acting even a bit more protective of her so Nick figured he was caught up with whatever was going on. It bugged Nick to be left out. He figured he had a right to know too since it affected his job too, well not that Amanda didn't do her job.

She was as brilliant as always out on a case and Nick figured the thing that bugged him most was just that. The fact that she seemed to be able to do her work properly even though the life around her felt rocky. He could never seem to do that. When his shit hit the fan with his wife and all he hadn't been able to leave that at home unfortunately. Nick had heard through the grapevine about the commotion during her sister's visits but yet Amanda had held up her front at work. He knew her sister had gotten arrested once when visiting her sister in New York and then there was some big brawl with her sister's boyfriend. But all this he'd heard after it had taken place and he'd suspected nothing. Well maybe she had acted a little more uptight than usual but that was only in hindsight. Amanda had her outlaw sister and Liv had her crazy brother. Both of them left him without a clue when it came to their personal lives and it did bug him a bit. He didn't like to be left out.

Amanda would walk in a little later not looking so rested.
"Did you have a busy night?" Nick asked after they'd greeted each other good morning and Amanda went over to her desk. She shot him a nervous look.
"What?" she asked as she got her jacket off.
"Just that Fin's in the bunks and you, no offense, doesn't look like you had much sleep either," Nick explained as he still had half his attention on his computer screen. Amanda shot a look down to her desk drawer. Nick looked over at her when no answer came. Amanda looked back up.
"Oh, well, no. I don't know," she said as she turned her computer on. Nick shot her a curious look but thankfully Liv came walking in and interrupted them.

"Man it's chilly," Liv said, "I wish spring would get here faster." Nick nodded at her. Cragen came out a little later as they were all busy checking through their inboxes.
"Need someone to check out a potential case in…" Cragen looked to his note and gave them the address. A male dead body that showed signs of sexual trauma.
"I'm up," Nick said and grabbed his jacket of his chair.
"Well I have a witness coming in," Liv said as she looked up from her screen.
"I can go," Amanda said and stood up. Cragen seemed to give her a look but then nodded. Fin came walking down the hall right then, rubbing life into his eyes. He yawned big as Cragen said good morning with an amused face.

"I'm sending your partner out with Nick," Cragen informed him and Fin just nodded as he scratched an itch on the back of his neck.
"You okay?" Amanda asked carefully as Cragen turned back inside his office. Nick had started walking out but Amanda could feel Liv watching them out of the corner of her eye. Liv was, just like Nick, aware of the tension in the squad room these days and she stayed a little extra aware. Fin just nodded. He couldn't really look at her as the rage had started growing in his stomach again as the nights reading material dawned on him again.

"You sure?" she asked and swallowed hard. She figured he'd read her interview and she feared that's why he couldn't look at her. That he now felt disgusted with her, regretting ever having touched her. She felt out of breath as he again just nodded.
"Be safe out there," Fin said as he sat down at his desk and she rushed out the second after that. Liv followed her out with her eyes. She kept looking down towards the gate where she'd disappeared. After a while she turned back to Fin.

"Fin?" she called out and got him to look up at her, "You okay?" He seemed to think about it for a while but then shook his head. He immediately rose and walked in to the captain's office.

"You have a minute?" he asked and Cragen gestured for him to step inside. Fin closed the door behind him and had a seat. He felt too tired to even stand upright right now.
"What's wrong Fin?" Cragen asked with concern as it was seldom detective Tutuola walked in to his office asking for a minute.
"Well I just…" he wasn't sure how to put it and just laid it out there as he went: "I was wondering, well with the trial and all and her going to Atlanta next week."
"Amanda," Cragen filled in as he understood who they were discussing. Fin nodded briefly.

"Well I'm just wondering, I mean we've talked and all but she's not really… well opening up. So I'm wondering if, well if you're making her talk to someone?" Fin finally got to the punch. Cragen nodded and folded his hands on his desk as he thought about how much he could say without breaking any privacy boundaries Amanda might want to maintain towards her partner. Cragen was surprised though, they seemed to have such good report going.

"She'll have the mandatory visits but she asked to delay them to after the trial," Cragen informed him and Fin nodded.
"You think she needs more than the mandatory visits?" Cragen took the opportunity to ask. Fin looked briefly to his side as he thought about it.
"It seems she wants to leave all that behind her in Atlanta but I do think she needs to dwell on it some," Fin's eyes wandered back to his captain as he talked. Cragens turn to nod. They sat in silence for a bit.

"He will be convicted right?" Fin then asked. He feared he'd be able to buy himself out of this one too.
"Most likely yes. His father and uncle have connections but this is a little too big to sweep under the rug," Cragen said and sounded certain. "The AD seems to think all is going well and I have daily contact with her old captain Sam."

"How could the captain just let that one go?" Fin asked and got some fury on his face. Cragen let a deep sigh escape as he thought about it. He was very disappointed in his old friend Sam. The man Cragen thought he knew would not let a man get away with what he did to Amanda. Cragen figured though that Sam thought he was doing what was best for Amanda, perhaps some feelings that extended a bit from the acceptable captain detective relationship clouded his judgment. During Sam's visit a few weeks ago Cragen had sensed some deep affection there. Cragen would never mention this to anyone though since he didn't want to spread any rumors about the two and perhaps because he feared he himself stepped over a line with Amanda. Not romantically but he perhaps felt a bit too protective of her at times, like something a father would feel for a daughter. He knew it was wrong but he couldn't help it.

It was hard to keep distance but still show genuine consideration. After this last revelation about his Atlanta recruit he had thought even more about the importance of rules and making sure no lines were overstepped in his own squad. He was already planning for a sexual harassment lecture but would make sure Amanda got some distance from the trial before he put her and the rest of the squad through that.

"I'm not sure Fin. I can't get my head around that either," Cragen finally answered to Fin's question how Sam could have just let Shane get away with what he'd done. Again there was a silent pause.
"She asked me to take Fay when she's gone. I was thinking I'd take Thursday off if it's alright, just hang out with the little rugrat, be by the phone in case she calls you know?" Cragen nodded.
"That'll be fine Fin," he said. Nothing much more were said and Fin headed back out again. Liv watched him as he came out but Fin avoided her look and Liv knew not to ask.

Amanda and Nick came back a little later and they did have a new case. The male victim, found dead near a small park, had been sexually assaulted. Melinda had him down in autopsy as they spoke but Nick informed the rest that the cause of death most probably was strangulation. Amanda let Nick do most of the talking during the briefing and she kept throwing worried looks Fin's way. He seemed to avoid her and it got her anxious. She couldn't understand why she let this get to her this much but she started to feel flushed and out of breath.

Nick was busy briefing and soon took over completely as when he left room for her to add something she just seemed lost and out of words. Fin had his head down, she couldn't know he was struggling with keeping his rage down and combined with the lack of sleep he was not left with much energy to fully keep attention at a high. She felt tears stinging behind her eyes and she feared she would start bawling her eyes out right there and then if she didn't do something. A very probing look from Liv sent her over the edge and she excused herself quickly. As she turned she got her foot stuck in the leg of the clear board and made a bit of a ruckus before she could rush down the hall towards the safety of some smaller and more secluded room. Liv stood up but so did Fin and he put a hand on her arm as he walked past her to go after Amanda. Liv sent Cragen a worried look as Nick was left standing just wondering what just had happen.

Fin thought he heard a door close further down the hall but wasn't sure which one. Interrogation room one was empty he saw through the open window and kept going further down. He checked the bunks but didn't find her in there. He called her name in the door to the ladies room but heard nothing from in there. She could still be hiding up in there he figured but he decided to go back if he didn't find her in any of the other rooms. He went further down the hall. He got into interrogation room two and through the mirror in the narrow pre room he spotted her. She had hunched down against the wall in the very back. He closed the door behind him and opened the next one into the actual interrogation room. He let that door be open so they'd know if anyone came in there. He walked inside and she didn't have to look up, she could here on the steps who it was. She wiped her face quickly in case a tear had escaped and she got up off the floor. He approached her but wasn't sure how far he could go and stopped a couple of yards from her. He wasn't sure what to say either.

"So is this it?" she said once she couldn't handle the silence any longer. He wasn't sure what she meant.
"It? What?" he mumbled. She had failed to look at him but now she did but hidden somewhat behind her bangs. She didn't want him to see the tears in her eyes.
"You read it right?"
"Yes, I read it during the night," he let her know.
"And now it's over?" she made no sense to him. She had been starting pacing a little by the wall and he took a step closer to her to try and make eye contact with her.

"What are you talking about?" he asked feeling completely clueless.
"You read it and I know it, I should have known. I should have been able to stop him. Seen were it was going and…" she was rambling and he put out his hand and touched her arm slightly. That made her both stop moving and talking.
"I'm sorry," she said after a pause and did her best to try and control her voice from cracking.
"You're sorry about what?"
"I should have been able to stop him," her words were hard for him to hear.

"Hey hey," he said and rubbed her arm. He wanted her to look at him but she kept her head down.
"Don't go there," he started, "what happen wasn't on you. You did nothing wrong." He saw her shift her jaw like she did when she was either ashamed or conflicted. Either feeling wasn't one she should have right now.

"Do you hear me? It's not your fault. Nothing of it," he tried to emphasize every word and hoped some of what he was saying would get into that stubborn head of hers. She backed up against the wall and put her back to it. He didn't like that she distanced herself from him but when she peeked up at him a little from underneath her bangs he felt a little better again.
"So I don't repulse you?" she whispered. He got a sad smile over his face.
"God no," he whispered back.

"But you wouldn't look at me." He shook his head slightly as it dawn on him how bad he'd handled the situation. Of course she'd read things wrong. She wasn't thinking straight right now and he should have considered that he scolded himself.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to not look at you. I'm just tired and just very angry. Very angry at that SOB," he explained. "Not at you. Never at you." He could have emphasized that she'd actually asked him not to talk to her about what he read but he found it pointless right now. That wouldn't make her feel better.

She took a deep breath and it gave away she had a sob stuck in her throat. He had to admit he was a little afraid to approach her but he forced himself to. He came up to the side of her and leaned against the wall with his shoulder as he faced her. She'd linked her hands in front of her and he could see she was nervously digging her nails into her knuckles. He took a breath himself, he shot a somewhat worried look over his shoulder to make sure they were still alone and then carefully raised his hand to her face. Her hair was covering most of it and when he found her cheek he could feel it was just a little damp. He kept looking at her and then his hand went up to her bangs. He stroke it away so he could see her face better. She kept her eyes hidden from him though.

He kept swiping her bangs to the side for a bit and then he let his thumb run over her hairline. He'd done it unconsciously but when he felt it underneath his thumb he knew what he had been looking for. He'd seen it before during one of many explorations of her entire body. That thin little scar, barely half an inch long right at her hairline. He'd never asked about it, she had plenty of minor battle scars from altercations in the line of work or from the softball field. This was a different battle scar though he now knew. He felt her crumble her forehead and he brushed down her bangs again. He let his hand go down to hers and he made her stop picking at herself. She swallowed hard and then peeked up at him.

"So we're fine?" she asked, still with sadness in her voice. He nodded and gave her a little happier smile than the earlier one. There was still one thing he had to ask though and thought about how to articulate it. He squeezed her hand a little.

"Now that we are talking about it though I need to ask you something," he said seriously. She waited patiently for whatever it was that was coming. He threw another glance over his shoulder even though he knew no one had entered and then took a deep breath.
"Are you okay with us?" he asked and he could tell on her face it was her turn to not understand him.
"I haven't crossed a line? Pushed you into anything?" he asked and he saw her lower lip tremble slightly. He saw that the question upset her. She shook her head slightly.

"Please don't ever think that," she whispered as she tried to hold back the tears that were burning behind her eyelids.
"Are you absolutely sure?" he needed reassurance.
"Yes. Absolutely. You've never forced me to do anything I didn't want to," she tried to sound as convincing as she felt about this. Sure he pushed her boundaries but he had never ever forced her into any situation she didn't want to be in.
"Okay. Good. I just needed to be sure," he said and felt a bit of relief. He let his fingers entwine with hers and they remain there for a few more minutes before they had to go back out again.

Outside Liv felt like she couldn't stay out of it any longer. Cragen looked as though he trusted Fin to handle it and that, along with the fact Cragen had sat down with Amanda and the suits that visited a few weeks ago, told her he knew exactly what was going on with Amanda. Cragen looked a little bit nervous as Liv starred him down. He rubbed his hands a little and took a breath.

"Okay, so," he started and nervously touched his nose. He looked from Nick to Olivia and then continued: "There's something, well troubling Rollins as you've probably figured out. I can't tell you what since… well, she'll be going back home to Atlanta at the end of next week and after that I'm sure things will settle back down some. Fin will have Thursday off just so you know. That's all I can say really. I trust you to give her some slack just for a week or two longer. That's all." Cragen took another breath and looked at both of them for a while before he turned around and started to walk back to his office. He stopped after a few steps though and turned back.

"Oh and yeah I trust you to handle all this, Nick you take lead, you know where to find me if you need anything," he gestured to the board. Then he turned again and slipped into his office. Nick looked over at Olivia who avoided his eyes since she was busy taking in the little information Cragen had given them. Finally Liv stood up and turned to Nick.

"Okay, you want to go down and see what Melinda found on our victim?" she said. Nick looked at her with a baffled face.
"But shouldn't we…" he wasn't sure what to say but looked down the hall and then back at her.
"Fin has her, let's go Nick," she said and turned without waiting for him. He would follow not soon after but not before he let out a big sigh. The communication on this squad sucked right now he thought to himself.