Chapter Twenty

RACHEL

My eyelids flipped open with a start. I was drenched in my own perspiration. I could still hear the echo of my pounding heart, loud and insistent in the quiet air of the early morning. I sat up from my bed. What was that dream supposed to be about? What did it mean?

My parentage had always been a sensitive issue on my part, and I never seemed to doubt the story behind their death. But lately, I guess I have been probing and pondering upon the authenticity of their death, perhaps a little too much.

I had dreamt that my mother had come to me in my dream, and tearfully, she had croaked, "Chanyu ah, don't believe things so easily. Instead, seek the truth."

This was an oddity in itself. In the first place, I could not remember how my mother looked like. Occasionally, I would have glimpses of my mother, but nothing so clear. In this dream, I literally could see the faint wrinkles on my mother's face, as well as the signature mole on my mother's right cheek.

Was this a prophetic dream? Did it mean something? I hugged my knees close to me, insecurity and fear surging through my veins. If she called me by my Korean name, I guess this must be true. But...

I had been brought up by Agalia's parents, and this was what they told me when I had inquired about my parentage. To my knowledge, my parents and brother had been killed by sinister debtors even though they had returned the massive sum of money.

But... Why would they be murdered even though they had returned the money? How could they leave me conveniently with Agalia's parents? Why didn't they leave my brother too? How could they just abandon me like this? I... I...

I crept up from my bed, pacing the floorboards with care. Junmyun Oppa's room was just opposite mine, and I didn't want to rouse him.

It must take you quite by surprise, that I felt so secure living with Junmyun Oppa, with the knowledge that he still loved me and harbored hopes of a reconciliation with me. I couldn't comprehend why I could feel so safe with him, perhaps it was because I treated him like my older brother?

I ambled stealthily towards the sitting room, my heart pounding.

"Couldn't sleep?" Junmyun Oppa's voice emitted from the couch.

Phew. "Nah, I woke up."

I nestled myself on the couch next to Junmyun Oppa, careful not to be in too close proximity with him. Perhaps I didn't feel that comfortable with him...

"Rach, you're sweating," Junmyun Oppa tore a piece of Kleenex, worry intent in his eyes. He reached out, just about to help me, when he stopped in his tracks and held the thin silky piece of tissue out to me.

"Here," he smiled.

I took the piece of tissue. An awkward silence reigned.

"Bad dream?"

I shook my head. "Not exactly..."

"Dreamt about... Him?" Junmyun Oppa, I noticed, was careful to broach on the subject.

Come to think of it, it was the first night I hadn't dreamt of Kai. The way he smiled, causing every living cell in my body to tremble, my heart ricocheting against my chest; the way he smelt, faint cologne and boyish sweat, his scent still familiar and alive in my nostrils; the way he hugged me, the way he felt sidled close to me, his muscular arms forever being a sign of protection; the way he kissed me, lips intent yet soft, romantic yet rash. These were the things that were starting to bleed away from my memory, as I had willed them to. But it doesn't make them any less real. It doesn't stop them from haunting me, from entering my dreams, my thoughts, my world...

But I guess memories are made of these. Memories, scenes both large and little replaying again and again in our minds; all memories should be independent of our feelings, of our bitterness and our joy. But they aren't. They exist in either like birds in a flock, coming and going when they wish to, always existing just within reach.

Kai... A memory. My heart constricted.

"No... It was my mother."

Junmyun Oppa coughed uncomfortably. We hardly ever discussed about my parentage, because he believed it brought me too much pain, which was unnecessary for me. Junmyun Oppa was always too protective of me; in our past relationship he was always the one to make the decisions. He... He loved me too much, it was suppressing and suffocating. I guess that was why we broke up...

I looked away and frowned in thought. Should I really get to the bottom of this? But what would that imply? That the people that I trusted all my life, Agalia's parents and my best friend, Agalia, had lied to me? That they had deceived me? I didn't dare to believe that, and I would not believe it even if they told me themselves. They were honest living people, they wouldn't do this to me... What good would it bring to them anyway?

Why was it so hard to recall? Why? I know I got into an accident when I was eight, yet... Did I lose my memory? No one ever told me, and I didn't think it important to get to the bottom of this. My temples were staring to throb...

"If it's too painful to think of, forget it," Junmyun Oppa took my hand. "It's all over anyway..."

I nodded, retracting my hand. Rejection crossed over his face, and I instantly regretted my actions.

"And then he smiled at me! ME, Rachel, me!" Agalia's voice raised a few notches. She was describing the scene of her latest fan meet to me, as we were strolling in a shopping mall. Agalia gushed and her cheeks blushed faintly, ostensibly excited.

Unknowingly, I tossed my head to the right. It was the ice-cream store, that same ice-cream stall... My thoughts trailed to...

"Yum!" Kai licked his lips and smiled.

"YAH! Stop eating mine!" I pouted. Kai loved to buy his own ice-cream, and then taste mine. We were at our favorite ice-cream parlor, eating ice-cream. The cool radiator at the side of the parlor welcomed us with open arms, making it our favourite ice-cream store. Also, we had most of our dates here, most probably because Kai just didn't bother to bring me somewhere posh to eat, but it was even more probably because I didn't care.

"But yours is nicer..." Kai nudged my shoulder and I stuck out my tongue.

"yah..." Kai pulled me towards him and his lips lingered on my cheek. The blood under my cheek burned, and I could feel myself turning beetroot.

"Wae..." I started, but he put a firm hand over my mouth. The moment was excruciatingly heart-throbbing.

Then he released me and chuckled. I puffed my cheeks.

"You had ice-cream on your cheek."

How many beautiful days had we spent here... I wondered. This place held too much beautiful memories which had become too painful to keep. All I could do was to store them in my back of memories and toss the key away. They were scenes and re-enactments I never wanted to touch anymore...

I averted my gaze to my feet, watching them trudge along as I shut myself off from Agalia's crazy spazzing. My feet suddenly seemed a tad heavier.

Lifting my head, I watched the hustle and bustle in the mall, and amidst the people I saw-

Wait. No. No way, that's not-

Is that-

Memories flooded my head at that moment, and something inside of me clicked. I stopped in my tracks. That couldn't very well be...

"Oppa!" I called out. And started running. Fast.

He turned his head, and at that moment, I knew it was him. My older brother. Park Chanyeol.

I rushed towards him, wanting to prove that he is my brother.

Oppa... Tears splashed their way down my face as I tried to curb my longing for meeting him again. I just had a flashback. My brother was still alive. Yet, why didn't he turn in my direction? I weaved through the throng of people who had congregated in the mall, pushing shoulders and shoving others. I had to see him, with my very own eyes.

He was walking again. I pushed past everyone to get to him, trying my utmost not to fall. Oppa... Where are you going? Take me along... Jebal... Are you... Are you going to meet Appa and Omma? If so, please take me along, butakhaeyo... Oppa... Don't leave me anymore... I dont want to be the only one left here alone... This place holds too much sad memories... Please, don't leave anymore... Don't...

I really couldn't find him. Why did he disappear? Didn't he hear me call out to him? Didn't he know how much I wanted to be taken away? I was so lonely, in this terrible world which only contained sorrow and nothing else. For once in my life, I was wrenched with self-pity.

I sank to my knees. People were rushing to their destinations. They had family, they had people they loved waiting for them... But what about me? I had no one... No one...

Oppa... Why did you leave me again? Gave me that last shimmer of hope, and then take it away cruelly? When will all of you stop doing this to me? Did I do anything wrong? If so, tell me, don't just disappear...

"Rachel!" Agalia caught up with me, panting heavily. "Why did you just run away like this?"

"Agalia..." I enclosed my palms on Agalia's arm in a vice-like grip. "Oppa's not dead, Oppa's not dead..."

"Oppa? Who? Junmyun Sunbae? Why would he be dead?" Agalia asked incredulously.

"Ani," I shook my head, my face hot with tears. "My Oppa. Park chanyeol."

"Ahh?" Agalia shut her eyes and shook her head, "Rachel, it must be someone else. Your brother passed so long ago..."

"But I saw him..." I protested.

"It must be someone else. A hallucination, most probably. Don't think about it..."

I had been gnawing on my lip so hard, I tasted blood.

"Don't think about it..."

Tears streamed down my face. Was this really my sealed fate? To always be alone? I guess... No one would be there for me, forever and after...