~ Chapter 20 ~

An incipient cloud of Zetsu enshrouds their hotel room as the words leave Killua's lips. There's no hiding now, though; Illumi is already at the door. Gon turns to Killua, sensing his hyperalert aura and how it stands his hairs on-end. He's about to tell him, "Everything will be okay," when the door opens, Illumi's figure towers there.

Killua's arms shoot out and he crosses in front of Gon to shield him, but Illumi just stands in the doorway for a moment. Motionless, he takes in the scene.

"Killu…"

The voice is a snarl. After, an aura of deep jealousy and quiet rage oozes toward them, directed at Gon.

What…?

Illumi caught them horsing around in bed from the elevator: Gon on top of him, Killua vulnerable beneath him. To think this childish brute would put him in such a position…

Illumi's eyes squint. It was unforgivable. His aura darkens. His fingers clench, hair rising from the energy surging around him.

Gon intakes sharply, receiving the brunt of the murderous aura due to his lack of protective Ten, despite Killua's shelter. His immobility is mostly due to fear. Illumi was always known as Killua's violently overprotective, but outwardly placid, older brother to Gon. Having Illumi's bloodlust sent directly at him – not in a patronizing, playful way like Hisoka – he couldn't move.

"Illumi bro, fuck off!" Killua yells at him, warding off as the bloodlust-filled aura as much as he can, his own Ten forming a half-sphere around Gon. "I chose to run away of my own accord, because you don't control me anymore! Gon has nothing to do with this!"

Illumi cocks his head, ever so slightly, not betraying anything in his features. "Control… you…?"

"Yeah! Like how you implanted a needle in my head, and constantly made it impossible for me to venture into the outside world! How you only wanted me at home, letting you…" He bites his lip, containing himself in the face of his greatest fear. Letting them hurt him, convince him he was nothing… Now isn't the time for a breakdown – and he can't, knowing how Illumi would react. He hates self-pitying tears more than the screaming. "You only wanted to control me – you didn't care about what I wanted – none of you do." His teeth grit, remembering the words his father gave him the day he left with Gon. "Live as you please. If you get tired, you can come home. You're free now. But… Promise me one thing. Never betray your friends. Understand?" He'd promised his father, not knowing at the time he was only being allowed to leave because it was preluded by the inevitable of him being unable to live on his own – with anyone other than the family. It made his blood boil.

"Killu, I was only doing what was best for you. All of us were. But that –" He raises an arm, jabbing a tense finger at Gon and spitting out his next words. "– boy came and ruined everything. He made you think you have a place outside of the Zoldyck Family."

"He didn't ruin anything," says Killua darkly. "You did that yourselves."

Cloaked in Killua's Nen, Gon can feel its property morphing. Before, it was light and on-guard, defensive, but now Killua's aura has become thick and twisted with antagonism, verging on the intent of bloodlust – not too different from the aura Killua shields him from.

Gon can feel the sharp edges of Killua's aura poking at his sides, just like on the beach when he watched his best friend brutally murder those people before his eyes. "Killua." Gon says it quietly, chidingly, afraid, but with a touch of reprobation. Right in his ear, Killua gets the message.

Taking a few deep breaths through his nostrils, his body calms and vision becomes binocular again. "I don't want to fight you," Killua admits, surprised by his own voice. But Illumi isn't willing to back down, not even in this situation.

"I didn't want to believe it," Illumi says, almost completely disregarding that Killua spoke. "I didn't want to believe someone from the outside could turn you into what you've become. I thought you were stronger than that. I thought I made you stronger than that…"

"You didn't make me strong," Killua snaps, despite the genuine remorse he hears in Illumi's voice. He shuts out any possibility of feeling sorry for his brother's need to have control over him – not again, like on the train. But Gon sees the opportunity in this, in Illumi's emotional vulnerability. He's about to tell Killua to wait a moment, to hear his brother out, but the moment quickly passes when Killua continues on. "You made me weak, so I would return to you. Every time, over and over and over again – no matter how many times I tried to escape, you made sure I wouldn't succeed. You don't care about me – you never did! You only wanted to control me –"

"I won't hear this," Illumi dismisses. He reaches out a clawed hand, the one he always used when he'd had enough of Killua's immaturity and sought to snap him back into the present. A thousand scenes where that claw controlled him blaze like snapshots in a still-museum in Killua's mind. Instinctively, his body freezes, knowing refusal to obey punishment will only result in much worse pain – and Gon doesn't catch it in time, Killua's reason for not fighting back.

"Killua? Killua?!"

His friend's focus is riveted to that slow-approaching hand, blue eyes alight, mouth agape, snowy brows conflicted, knowing this is an ancient calling from his past. It's as if Killua is hypnotized, and Gon doesn't understand why Killua's gone completely still in fear, his protective aura disintegrating by the millisecond.

Amber eyes flash to Illumi's side, and Gon sees the needles Illumi's holding there, pointed outward and ready. He's been concealing them all this time, no doubt waiting for the right moment to strike.

No, I can't let this happen.

The hand is getting closer to Killua's head, just a few inches away now.

There's no way!

A spark ignites in his bones, setting him aflame.

Killua.

In one callisthenic motion, Gon swipes Illumi away from Killua. He grazes Illumi's vest, which tears in the direction of his punch, reinforced by Ren. The assassin "tsk"s and throws his needles at them anyway as he dodges, Gon's moment of Nen up, leaving them entirely defenseless. Gon's heart pounds, seeing the needles coming straight for his head, when Killua grabs the needles in midair, just before they reach Gon, using his lightning speed – just in case, though his normal reflexes would have made it in time. Lightning dances around Killua's arm and closed fist.

He holds the needles where he caught them before Gon's forehead, and Gon sits up again on the bed as Killua turns his sapphire gaze to glare at Illumi, now hanging on the wall. Killua's bloodlust is the least of Illumi's worries right now – had he not jumped out of the way in time, Gon's punch very well could have obliterated him. The tattered pieces of his purple vest lay black and singed on the floor beneath him, and Gon hadn't even touched his clothes – only his aura had.

Killua throws Illumi's needles on the ground and stands, in front of Gon, waiting for Illumi's next move. They're no longer playing around. In spite of Gon's warning not to become too wrapped up in bloodlust, Killua won't back down, not after Illumi tried to pull a fast one with Gon as his target. Killua's Ren revs up tenfold, prepared to face Illumi head-on. Gon looks at him in surprise and aghast.

He can feel it in what little aura Gon has left: "No, Killua! We can't take on Illumi right now! We still don't have a plan! There's no way we can –"

I'm sorry, Gon. I'm not listening to you anymore. By threatening you, Illumi just sealed his fate. Killua's deadly focus closes in on Illumi, who's now smirking as he hangs on the wall.

Gon can't believe it. Killua's about to be reckless again after chiding Gon for the same thing, and now the Zoldyck brothers are powering up for the fight of a millennium.

Gon knows he won't be able to stop it, what's coming. The carnage that will ensue… with him as its center.

He's too late – the first move has already been made, with Killua activating Godspeed and glowing with Nen, and Illumi increasing his aura's wriggling range, shooting its malice toward Gon. Killua steps between them to fend it off and then jumps, fingers sharp as he aims at Illumi.

They continue to exchange blows, with Illumi holding back as he knocks Killua down, forcing Killua to take the more defensive position. Killua's still trying to protect Gon from Illumi's aura as he fights Illumi one-on-one, but there's no way Killua can do both at the same time.

Starting to panic, Gon stands up from the bed, watching them fight and trying to understand where he fits in all of this. What can I do in my position?! He wracks his mind, desperate to pull up any teachings his masters and comrades have given to him in the past that might help him in this situation. Wing, Bisky, Knuckle, Kite… Kurapika…

There's still pain there, where Kite punched him all those years ago, where Kon scratched him as he cried out in fear, where his mentor gave his arm and his life to defend Gon's weakness… Even after making up, and seeing her all those months later, there's still a part of him that knows it was partly because of him. There's a part of him that knows Killua left because of his weakness, his selfishness and arrogance. Watching his best friend leave, turn his back away from the World Tree… it was a scene forever etched in his mind. He couldn't let that happen again – he wouldn't, as long as he lived.

Now his best friend is facing his greatest enemy and greatest fear – he hasn't spoken about the other Zoldycks nearly the same way he speaks about Illumi, especially in the last few days. He didn't want Killua to have to face the Zoldycks ever again, and now here they are, fighting a battle to the death before his eyes. I don't think I can escape with Killua if I knocked him out the way he did with me when we met Pitou for the first time. Illumi would finish him in a second, if not stop him from performing the move to knock out Killua in the first place – never mind Killua's reflexes.

It looks hopeless, how his friend continually gets knocked back, more and more of his aura ebbing away from Gon's person as he loses consciousness, even if only on a surface level. He can't bear to watch Killua get hurt for his sake any longer.

So Gon does the first thing that comes to his mind.

"ILLUMI! I'll go with you!"

That does make them stop. The brothers stop on the floor of the hotel room, before the bed, making a doubletake to their position in relation to Gon. Then, the words registering, Killua stands, his aura practically swishing like a cat's tail interrupted in the middle of taking its prey in jumbled impatience. "What?"

"Illumi, I'll go with you to the Zoldyck Estate," Gon clarifies, going to stand near them at the edge of the bed.

The elder Zoldyck is stilled in his crouch, not revealing anything in his visage.

"You idiot!" Killua calls over at him, masking the distress he feels at the prospect of his brother taking Gon's offer. Illumi rests between them, otherwise he would go over and smack Gon on the head. "If you do that, that just means I'll have to go with you!"

"No, Killua." Gon shakes his head. "You can't come."

"You do realize what he'll do to you, right?!" Killua bellows, more nervous by the second, realizing what it must have taken for Gon to reach this decision without him, how unmovable his voice sounds. Gon wouldn't throw out something like this lightly. He must have pondered deeply before making up his mind. Killua sweats, sensing there's no swaying him. "He'll likely just straight-up murder you along the way!" Killua says. "If not try to stick a needle in your head!"

"That's why I have conditions to my compliance in going."

This catches Illumi's attention. He stands up now, aura retreating. "What are your conditions?"

"Wh – you can't be serious!" Killua shouts, Godspeed fizzling out as he starts to tremble.

"I'll go with you freely," Gon tells Illumi, glaring up at him, "but only if you leave Killua alone, and take me to the Zoldyck Estate to meet the head of the family in Killua's place. You aren't allowed to hurt me on the journey, but once these conditions are filled…" He glances over to see Killua's distraught expression, and sucks in a breath as he looks back at Illumi. "You can do whatever you want."

Illumi's Nen shuts off at once. "Done." He embodies the demeanor of the overprotective, blank, and nonthreatening older brother again, no longer in fallen shambles to separate them.

Every emotion Killua possesses circles through him like a hurricane. He doesn't care whether Illumi attacks him anymore, leaping over the bed to cross the room. He shakes Gon roughly by the shoulders, both of them still dressed in the same white-shirt and grey/black-shorts pajamas. "What the hell is wrong with you?!" he shrieks, desperate to reach his friend – the friend he'd committed himself to not just moments ago before Illumi barged in, the one he'd let in deeper than anyone else. "First you tell me I can't sacrifice myself to Illumi even if it's for the good of other people, and now you're doing the same thing?! Are you crazy?!"

Gon smiles bittersweetly at him, lifting his eyebrows as he shrugs a little. "But I'm not doing this for the good of other people. I'm doing it for you."

"Don't give me that crap!" Killua screams in anger, trying to hide the tears in his eyes. "Don't act like the rules only apply to me and not to you! Not again! I can't do it –!" His voice takes on the quality of a scared child now. "You know… you know how scared I am to lose you!" He can't hold back the tears anymore, cowering before Gon as water rolls down his face.

Gon cups Killua's pale cheek with one hand as he wipes away the tears with his tan fingers. "You won't lose me. I'll make it back to you safely, Killua. I promise." Killua grabs his hand as he steps away, but it's gone before he knows it. Gon stands before the towering elder Zoldyck.

"Alright, Illumi. I'm ready. You better keep your word," he says, eyeing him warningly.

Illumi nods his chin, half-turning toward the door. "Don't worry. You'll make it to the Zoldyck Estate in one piece – no needles attached." Illumi's aura flickers with something then, too fast to recognize. Gon falls in step behind him. Illumi says, "But I never promised how you'd get there."

Gon opens his mouth. "Wha –"

There's a shrill pain at the base of his neck, and suddenly his vision is going black. Killua's voice screams his name, and suddenly the ground becomes far away as dizziness overtakes him.

The world is silent.

~ o=O=o ~

It's my fault. It's my fault.

Killua repeats it like a mantra in his head. He's running through the countryside now, hot on Illumi's tail – at least, he used to be. Trees pass by him in a streamline of dark greens, the sun sinking farther below the horizon. He's almost been exhausted of Nen, and not sure how far he's gone or how long he's traveled, but he continues to push himself to the end, unable to do anything else. Illumi disappeared from his view long ago; now he's just following this direction on instinct, knowing where Kukuroo Mountain is from here – but he's sure he lost the scent now, and there's nothing to be done except turn back.

That idiot! That idiot! he thinks, feeling the aura of his brother far away from him now – too far to home in on. He said we should stick together! He said we should face Illumi together! It reminded him of being cast aside in Gon's fight against Pitou; now, Killua knew the other reasons Gon felt he had to do it alone, but this –! This was Killua's fight, Killua's problem – sure, he had been reckless in facing Illumi on the beach and in the hotel, but he wanted them to take him on together! It was hard for Gon without his Nen, though…

What the hell were you thinking…?!

Illumi is likely on an airship headed for the next region, somehow able to give him the slip, his and Gon's aura too far to sense anymore. Sure enough, it isn't long before the trees part, and giving way to the ocean and an orange-blue sky.

Killua skids to a halt on the sand. Out of breath, Godspeed flickering white light all around, he stares out at the open water, despondent.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" he screams, tears of sadness and frustration falling from his eyes. He collapses on the beachside, his hands and bare knees kicking up sand, making dents with his fists. He watches the sun sink below the water in a teary film of grief. The sky becomes dotted by a myriad of multicolored stars, and faint nebulas far into the distance, where his heart feels now.

He knew Illumi's chicanery couldn't be trusted, so why did Gon go with him?

"I don't know, I don't know," he sobs aloud, clutching his face in his hands. It's my fault for not being more open about what Illumi's like, his conscience cries. If only I'd been able to talk more about my past, none of this would have happened… I wouldn't have lost my cool and put Gon in that spot, where he had to choose…

He knows Gon only did it because he was scared for Killua's life: Gon saw that there was no way Killua would come out of a battle with Illumi unscathed, having to protect Gon and defend himself, let alone defeat Illumi, so Gon decided it was better to take on the suffering by himself than watch this happen.

But it was selfish, what he did. Believing the pain was only his own, that taking on the burden wouldn't cause additional distress to Killua – he wasn't thinking! He was just being self-centered but in a different way. His convolution in protecting Killua only served to harm him more.

The idiot probably did it also so he could better understand what I'm dealing with, Killua understands.

But Gon's in so much danger, going alone. Killua has no idea what the other Zoldycks will do to him once his conditions are filled. Kill him? Implant a needle in his head? Threaten his family until he stops seeing and being with Killua? The possibilities are endless, though Killua is the one who knows their methods best. He's feared this day would come ever since the Hunter Exam, feared that the Zoldycks would attribute his development away from them to Gon. When it happened, he didn't know what he would do to protect Gon – he's surprised it took them this long. Once they had a target, they were determined to see it through – as per the lifestyle of an assassin.

When Gon and Illumi reached the Zoldyck Estate, there's no telling how him and Gon could escape with the entire family on their heels…

The fear he feels at the prospect of returning there is one he hardly wants to admit to himself as well.

Wait a second… the entire Zoldyck Family?

He has an idea, though it isn't a very strong one yet. Rooting one bare foot in the sand – as he's still in his pajamas – Killua hobbles to his feet.

I can't let something like this stop me from moving entirely.

Not again – he'd been empty, hopeless after Gon pushed him away, making it clear he wanted to defeat Pitou alone. It caused him to make some not-so-great decisions – facing Youpi alone, letting down his guard in front of a possessed Palm (though that later turned out to be a good thing), deciding… he would commit his last moments defending Gon. He's changed now. He knows that a relationship shouldn't entail self-sacrifice to maintain it, even if the person he sacrificed himself for was his one and only savior…

It's taken him years to understand it – heck, he's still trying to understand it. Only moments ago, he'd wanted to sacrifice himself to Illumi to protect Gon, disguised as a noble reason to fight Illumi. Putting his worth in his ability to sacrifice himself for Gon… it has to stop.

That's why Gon did it himself, right? To convince himself he was worthy…

Killua watches the shifting stars a little longer, his white hair swaying on the winds coming up from the sea.

Yeah. We can't do everything alone.

~ o=O=o ~

Gon awakens to the pungent smell of roses wafting alacritously above his nose. Sitting up on the small floor cushion he's been laid on, he finds that the room around him is red, the walls covered in red velvet. There are a few windows with shutters on them, their screens obscuring any view of the outside, while a few katanas rest against the wall. Flowering pots are positioned at two of the four corners of the room, and the ceiling and tatami floor is a dull, light beige, with wooden finish around the perimeters, a scroll with ancient writing hanging over the katanas. It's tasteful, but sparse aside from the pink blossoms.

A wall slides open to reveal it's actually a door, and through it comes the eldest Zoldyck sibling carrying a tray of tea. Gon is immediately on alert, still feeling the remnants of being chopped in the neck before arriving here, but all Illumi says is, "Ah, finally you're awake."

Gon blinks, leery as Illumi lowers to both knees to place the tea set on the floor next to Gon.

"Sorry about hitting your head like that. I thought it would be the fastest way to transport you here. Tea?"

"Uh, no, thanks," Gon says, watching him pour teacups in askance.

Illumi picks up a teacup with the fingers of one hand on both sides and a hand underneath, blowing on it as he tests it with his lips. He recoils and states, "It's hot," as he sticks his tongue out, flapping one hand.

The display is strange to say the least, having always felt threatened by Illumi in the past, but Gon doesn't let him distract much. "We'll go meet Father as soon as you're ready," says Illumi, surprisingly patient for how much of a hurry he seemed to be in to get Gon here.

We must be in the Zoldyck Manor, Gon ruminates, once again taking in the layout of the room. I wonder what the butlers had to say about bringing me here. Did they pass Canary on the way here? What about Gotoh? Did the rest of the family know…?

There isn't much to see or do in this room, especially with Illumi watching him, so before Illumi can pour himself another cup of tea, Gon says, "I'm ready. Take me to meet the head of the family."

Illumi nods and leads Gon out of the red velvet room through another wall. Gon can only see Illumi's long black hair swishing in front of him on their way through the narrow halls that ensue, as most of the doors on either side of them are shut. The walls here are dark beige, and it isn't long before they reach a stairway, where wooden steps transform into stone, and visibility is only marked by the passing of oil lanterns embedded in the walls.

As the smell of mildew and a lingering raunchiness pricks Gon's nose, the hairs on the back of his neck sit on-end. He can't see past many of the doors here either, but there is one, a thick wooden door with a huge metal latch and metal finishing that hangs ajar. He catches a glimpse inside.

What he sees is enough for him to question his decision to come here: a lineup of weapons – maces, axes, spears, whips, and swords – along with a vast assortment of handcuffs and chains are organized neatly on holders on the distant wall.

Gon looks away, head spinning, his body hot and clammy. His mind cooks up a thousand scenarios and he isn't given enough time to process everything he's seen, for then they're at the iron black gateway of the Zoldyck Family's current heir.

Illumi raps a knuckle against the door, announcing, "Father, I've brought Gon," which only incites Gon with more nerve as the doors rumble open.

Inside in the center of a large cushion throne is a man – or perhaps one should say giant – with silver hair falling in heavy waves around his massive shoulders. The man pierces Gon with inhuman blue eyes, mouth hard, face, arms, and entire physique chiseled by years of grueling training, no doubt. The door slams shut behind Gon and he isn't given time to speak before the one before him does first.

"So, you're the one who's been keeping my son away from me."

The rumbly voice shakes Gon to his very core, and a frog leaps into his throat as he endeavors to find the words.

These people could actually kill him.

This chapter caught me completely by surprise. I hope it did for you too – in a good way of course! Well, I guess I don't really know what else to say, so here: Random tidbit! When I wrote out "red room" in the final scene, I couldn't help but think of the Red Room from Fifty Shades of Grey (which yes, I read to see what all the fuss was about), and this image wasn't helped much by Gon seeing the torture rooms in the dungeons down below. Okay, why am I including this, that's definitely not T-rated…

It's Spring Break, and I'm glad I was able to get this chapter out. I'm also relieved that so many enjoyed chapter 19 despite its somewhat lack of direction (which I edited, like always, to hopefully ameliorate). And I hope you enjoyed this chapter as well!

Please be sure to leave your thoughts below!