A/N I dedicate this chapter to someone who is as precious and important to me as I am to them. I don't need to say a name, the person I mean knows who they are.

Now let's find out why Olivia wasn't her usual self and agreed so easily in the recovery room shall we...?

As always R+R, y'all know how fond I am for them and how much they mean to me.

Chapter20

"Fine, I know when I"m not wanted. Just make sure she can breathe afterwards. I'd hate it if we need to get an oxygen mask for her." Casey winks before she walks to the door.

"Get out Novak. You're just jealous that she's getting attention." Olivia laughs.

Casey burst out in laughter as she leaves the room and closes the door behind her.

"Alright Casey is gone, are you gonna tell me now what's bothering you?" Alex asks while she takes a seat in the chair.

"What makes you think something is bothering me?" Olivia asks.

"Come on Liv. I know you longer than today. I know when something is on your mind or bothering you. You were not yourself in the recovery room, normally you would have protested and been your stubborn or hard headed self. Now are you gonna tell me what it is or not?" Alex asks.

Olivia stays quiet and looks away. Thinking about if she puts the cards on the table or not. Alex waits patiently knowing that the Detective is thinking about what ever it is that's bothering her and if she should tell it or not. The blonde doesn't want to push her and let Olivia tell her at in her own pace. After a minute or two Olivia decides that now is as good as any other time. She knows she that she has to talk about it. The Detective clears her throat and looks back at Alex.

"I'm afraid." Olivia says softly.

"Of what or for what?" Alex asks gently.

"I'm afraid for the trial. I'm afraid of not being able to go back to my job if I would decide that I want to do that." Olivia says and takes a deep breath.

"But most of all I'm afraid of losing you. That you will get enough of waiting for me. Waiting for me to be ready to take our relationship to the next level, waiting for me till I'm ready to make love. For leaving me when I'm not able be a Detective anymore and I will be useless to you. Damaged and disabled. Or because I will never be my old self again, scared and afraid to be touched on a normal level let alone intimately, for all the flashbacks and nightmares that will come and maybe never go away completely or at all. That you will get enough of all of that or can't take it anymore. And you realize that you can do better than this with someone else. That you will find someone that's better for you than I am. Who can give you what you need and deserve because I can't give you that." Olivia says.

Olivia turns her head away not wanting for Alex to see the tears that are threatening to fall down on her cheeks. Alex now realizes how much fear Olivia really has and how deep it goes. That the Detective is only sharing the top of the ice berg. And that she's being holding it inside until now. The blonde's heart breaks hearing in how much pain her girlfriend mentally is.

"Liv you don't have to look at me although I would like it if you did. Not so that I will be able to look in your eyes but for you to be able to look in my eyes. So that you can see in my eyes what my words will tell you." Alex says softly and pauses for a few moments.

Slowly Olivia turns her head back to look at Alex.

"There they are, the most beautiful brown eyes in the world." Alex smiles.

"I want you to listen to all I have to say first before you react. Now as important the other things are that you are afraid of, we will talk about that another time unless you want to talk about that after we are done talking about what you are afraid of the most, losing me. Alright?" Alex asks.

"Yes that's ok." Olivia answers timidly.

"You have nothing to be afraid of Liv. There never will be someone better simply because they are not you. There never will someone else who can give me what I need because they are not you. You are the only one who can give me what I need because you're the one that has my heart and that's what I want from you, need from you. Your heart. And I know that you love me as much as I love you. I know that it will take some time before you will be ready to either take our relationship to the next level or to be romantically involved. And you get all the time you need. Because making love is only making love if both persons in the relationship are ready for it. And that's the what I want in the future, making love to you and you making love to me. Whenever you will be ready for it.

Not that I believe it not even for one second but if you wouldn't be able to be a Detective anymore that doesn't change who you are for me. For me you are more than Detective Benson because that's only a part of who you are. And if that would mean that we need to move to start over at an other place that's fine with me. I don't care for my career because it means nothing to me if I don't have you at my side. I don't need to work for my living, I want to work but I only want to do that in the future when I'm with you. It's not a sacrifice to give that up. There are other things that I could do that we both could do if it's necessary. To me you will always be Detective Olivia Benson if you wear that golden shield or not. Because she is a part of who you are. But at the same time it's just a part.

As for the flashbacks and nightmares, I know what it is to have them. I don't have flashbacks anymore after all those years but I do have the nightmares at times. And I know you have them too. The only thing that helps is to have you next to me or holding me if I get them. But I sleep better when you near me and have fewer nightmares about it. Because just being with you or near you makes me feel safe. So you don't have to worry that I will get sick and tired of them when it's about you and everything you are going through right now.

And lastly, concerning your fears of me leaving you, you are going through a hell now but you are not damaged and yes I want you to be able to walk again and run or what ever you want to do and I strongly believe that you will do all of that again but if you would walk the rest of you life with a limp or something like that you are not disabled for me. I don't care how many screws or plates you need to have in your body all that matters to me that you won't be in pain. You will be as beautiful to me as you've always been.

You may not believe it but you're not the only with the insecurities of being afraid not to be enough. Because as you are afraid that I will find someone else better for me or could give me what I need, I have the same fears about you. That you will find some else that can give you what you need. That I can't give you what you deserve. I may have money but all the money in the world means nothing if I can't give you what you need mentally or, in the future, physically. That is something that money can not buy. And I don't care about my money. Because I didn't earn most of it. I didn't get it on my own, I'm having it because of my last name, but it doesn't make me who or what I am. I'm also just a woman who needs you to be complete and whole. Who needs you in my life to be alive. You are the air that I need to breathe, you are the one that keeps my heart beating, without you in my life it's not so precious. So you see, I need you just as much as you need me." Alex finishes.

Olivia now understands why Alex wanted her to look at her. She can see everything the blonde just said and meant in those beautiful blue eyes.

"How do you always know what to say and so eloquently?" Olivia asks.

"For the eloquent part, I'm a lawyer I earn my living by making words. I don't always know what to say, now I just let my heart speak instead of my mind. Just promise me that next time you don't wait so long and keep it inside yourself. The sooner you talk to me the sooner I can reassure you." Alex says.

"I promise." Olivia answers.