Chapter 20
Tris P.O.V.
As I sit here on the bench sobbing into Tobias's chest, he has yet to ask me anything.
"I'm going to call Uriah, okay? He can pick us up." He reaches into his pocket and calls him.
"Hey, man, can you pick Tris and me up? No, Uriah, we aren't going to take a cab. It's an emergency. We're at the park. We'll meet you just outside the entrance, alright? Thanks." He hangs up. "He'll be here in a few."
I try pulling myself together. My cheeks are a blotchy red.
Uriah pulls up and Tobias and I climb in the back seat.
"Shit, Tris, are you alright?"
Great, now I've got question to deal with. I should have known. I have tears streaming down my eyes. So, tell me, Uriah, does it look like I'm alright? Everything's just peachy, buddy!
"Not particularly, Uri. Thanks for picking us up, though." I sniffle.
"Back to Four's place?"
I look up at him, as if I'm asking permission, which, really, I am. I can't face the dark without him.
"Yeah," he says certainty obtaining his voice.
"Thank you," I whisper. He just pulls me closer to him and kisses the top of my head.
Once we arrive, we thank Uriah and head up to his apartment.
He unlocks his door. I take off my shoes, leaving them at the door. We lay on the couch, both of our heads on the same pillow facing each other, breathing the same air.
"Tris," he says softly, "do you trust me enough to tell me what that phone call was about?" He runs his hand through my hair and cradles my cheek.
"It was my mom. She… she was killed in a fire." Once I say it aloud, the sudden realization is unbearable, which only makes me sob even more. Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like. What'd it be like if all of this ended. But then I remember there are people out there that are in cancer treatment centers begging, pleading, to their god that they stay alive.
"Tris…" He pulls me into him and I bury my face into his neck and cry.
"I shouldn't be crying. I don't believe in crying."
"What kind of person doesn't believe in crying?" he asks softly.
"Me! I'm stronger than this. Tris Prior doesn't cry!" I exclaim. I get up and pace up and down the living room.
"You can't bottle up the storm, Tris. You need to let it all out."
"Dammit, Tobias! You don't understand!" I cry out. He truly doesn't.
"Maybe you're not the only one with a screwed up family. Did you ever think about that?" he asks.
"Yes, actually, but you won't tell me anything," I say softly but firmly.
"And I'm sorry for that. Just… come here."
He opens his arms. I walk into him, burying my face into chest.
"Why doesn't anything go my way?" I mumble.
"I came your way," he points out.
"True. Definitely something good." He really is. He really, truly, and honestly is.
"Do you want me to go to Chicago with you?" Tobias asks after a long silence.
"No." I pull away. "I think I just want to go alone. Well, with Caleb too."
"Okay. I understand completely," he says, although I can sense he is a little hurt.
Then I do something ballsy. "Can I stay the night here?" I ask.
He seems surprised. Hell, I'd be too if I were him.
"Of course."
"Can we sleep on the couch?" I ask, not completely comfortable sleeping in his bedroom just yet.
He just lies down and opens his arms. I lie down next to him and he wraps his arms around my waist.
"Goodnight," he says.
Not really.
-Next Day-
My eyes slowly flutter open and I realize where I am. I sigh quietly. I turn my head back towards Tobias to see him already staring back at me.
"Do you need to get up now?" he asks.
I turn my body so we are stomach-to-stomach.
"No. My flight leaves at two with Caleb," I whisper, although I don't know why.
"It's already eleven though…" he trails off.
"One minute?" I ask. "For one minute, can't we just pretend everything is okay and we're just love-sick-puppy teenagers holding each other and both of my parents aren't dead and it's just us and… just us. Tobias and Tris. Nothing is happening today, and everything is perfect, and we are just us. One minute."
"I'd like that," he simply says. "Very much so."
I just bury my nose into his neck and he rewraps his arms around my waist as he rests his head on mine, limbs entangled. And for just one minute—one minute—I begin to believe that everything is okay, that everything will be just fine, even though I know my life is just the opposite.
Caleb and I have boarded the plane already and we haven't said one word to each other yet.
"Hello, flight 543," one of the attendants says. "Our ETA to Chicago, Illinois, is around 6:30. Please fasten your seatbelts and turn off all electronics. Thank you. We wish you the best and safest of flights." She gives us a big smile. How is someone even that happy?
I look at Caleb.
"What are we going to do?"
He grabs my hand. "We have to hear her whispers when we're in the dark," he says, "because we need to stay strong. For her."
He's right. She wouldn't want to see Caleb or I like this. My mother is the strongest person I've ever met. She's wanted me to grow up to be an independent, strong, selfless woman. But what she didn't realize was that she was raising me to be just like her. She was—is—the woman I want to be so badly.
So I do. I stay strong. I suck up the tears back into my ducts. I squeeze his hand a little bit harder. Maybe that makes me a coward. Maybe that makes me just a little bit braver than I had been yesterday.
As we take the taxi home, I take in my surroundings. Nothing's changed. Not even the good ol' Pit. Maybe Bud will let me come for day since I worked for him for a while.
Caleb and I approach the front doorstep. I carefully twist the door open, uncertain with what my eyes will see.
The same exact thing. Déjà vu. She hasn't changed one thing. I give a small smile. There's one thing that's different though; she's hung pictures of us on the walls. There's one of all of us—me, Caleb, and Mom—at my very first performance at the philharmonic. God, how I'd give anything for that back right this second. But some things that you want, you can't always have, and I've finally learned to accept that fact. I know I'll probably never contradict myself, either, when I say that.
People need unexpected things in their lives. I've never understood how people live with every sound monotone, every color monochrome. I could never live like that. I wouldn't be who am today if I were influenced by those kind of people. I'd feel caged inside. I'd feel… trapped. Like I can't be who I want. I'd believe that that was who I was supposed to be. That was my destiny. Now, now I believe that I can change the course of my life. When I write the story of my life, I don't let anyone else hold the pen. Nor am I going to let the pen run out of ink. I could never. My life would be worthless if I hadn't taken control of myself. If I ended my life—if I let the ink run its course—that'd be giving up. Tris Prior doesn't give up. Tris Prior is an independent, strong, capable woman that is unstoppable, no matter how hard you try. When I have my mind set on something, there's nothing you can do to change that. Nothing. There's no amount of persuading you can do. If I have the correct facts and the right people to trust, you won't change my mind.
And now is the time that I realize how much of my mother I really am. Though I am adopted, she is not 'Natalie' or some random foster parent. She's my mom. Nobody will ever change that. And if they try to convince me, then they can just get out of my life right now. My mother is my role model. Selfless, smart, brave… How much better can it get? She's practically my own flesh and blood.
If someone told me Caleb isn't my real brother, that I'm just a false part of the family, I'd walk away, because I know that it's not true. Never has and never will. I'd never give that person another thought. Caleb isn't the obnoxious, annoying brother you think he'd be. He's… Caleb. Caring, smart, and selfless. He's my brother. Always has and always will be.
As for the other way around, if someone told Mom and Caleb I'm a waste of space and not a real part of the family… let's just say my mom wouldn't be very happy. I don't what good she possibly say for me, but I'd imagine her calling me brave, selfless, smart, honest, kind, and determined. She'd defend just as much as she would Caleb. That's how a family works. There are no 'favorites.' There are no loopholes in family. Either you love each other, or you don't. Sure, families have fights, all of them do, but many get through it. Mine did. We all did. And no, I'm not calling my family the perfect magazine cover family at all, I'm just… proud, despite the choices Andrew made. As far as I'm concerned, I've never had a father. Hell, Bud is more of a father to me than Andrew, the bastard.
But now, all that's left of our family is Caleb and I. All of our grandparents are gone and Mom never had any siblings. Caleb and I only have each other. But sometimes that's all you need. One person you know—you know— who loves you. You never have reason to doubt them, forget them, be confused by them, or be hesitant around them, because you just know that they'd take a bullet for you, and the other way around. Because that's what you do with family. And if you don't cherish it, you'll regret it. You'll regret it for the rest of your life, I can absolutely guarantee it. That's why I see Caleb as much as I possibly can. It's hard with him starting his new job though. But if it's an emergency, we're always there for each other. Always. No exceptions. That's just what we do for each other. If a friend hurts us and you can't go to anyone else, we've got each other's backs. That's mandatory with every family. If you don't have that, it, for lack of better word, sucks. It really does. I've been there. Nobody to talk to, nobody's shoulder to cry on. It. Sucks. Many people, just like me, have been there and gotten out of it. They've found someone that's made them happy. For me, it's Caleb, it has been all along, and Tobias. I've never been one to depend on men to be happy, but I guess now I am. I just can't face the dark without them. The only things I need in life are them and my bass. They are the reason I choose to get up and out of my bed every morning. Them. To see them. So they know I'm okay, that I'm alive, breathing. But I know that if I had lost everything in my life—everything—that they'd be there to pick me back up, because what love does to someone. And I know the same goes for them. I know that if they were to fall apart, I'd be there for them. If they'd lost everything, I'd be the one there picking the pieces of them back up. Nobody else. Just me. And they wouldn't want anybody else with them by their side, either. Family doesn't let each other down like that. That is not the definition of family. Having a family is a gift, and if you waste it foolishly, it's on you, and no one else. Nobody can define your definition of family but you. Sometimes, you can only rely on yourself. You feel your family is inconsiderate, and are lying sons of bitches, but the truth is, no matter how much they tease you, or mess with you, they love you. Trust me, I've experienced it first-hand. Caleb teases me about dating, as if we were twelve. But I think I've made it extremely clear on what my opinion is on family. Family is your own definition, and you have the possibility of filling that role for someone, you just can't give up. You can't end everything because of one mistake. The worst mistake you can make in life is walking away from the one person who actually stood there waiting for you. You can't let you mistake define you. No matter what someone tells you, you can't let the pen run out of ink, and you can't let anyone else hold it.