The Half Life

Chapter 18: Lost Without You

By: L.5914

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Quil, or Claire, but this story is all mine.

She didn't want to leave.

She knew that and she was fairly sure Emily knew it as well. In fact, she was pretty sure even Sam had picked up on her hesitance that morning when she'd finally crawled out of bed and dialed her mother's number.

No, she didn't want to leave, but she had to.

She kept trying to find something – anything – that would justify her staying in La Push. She ran through all the usual justifications – her friends, her family, hell, even school – but there was nothing that could make the pain of Quil not wanting her go away.

How was she supposed to face the rest of La Push when she couldn't even bear to look at the kitchen counter without remembering how his lips had felt against hers? How her skin had tingled and sparks had run up and down her spine in nameless anticipation beneath his touch?

She didn't have much experience with heartbreak. She'd spent all her time before Quil in meaningless relationships, based purely in physical attractions and a little bit of genuine appreciation. There had never been anything tying her to Matt except the fact that she was comfortable with him, and he was sweet, and why not?

With Quil, there had been a million reasons not to date him, and no real reason to actually accept him, but she'd gone against everything logic said and put herself out there anyway. It made no sense, the more she mulled everything over in her mind, that she should love him the way she did. Even now, after he'd torn her heart into shreds by simply walking away, she ached for him. There was a part of her that wanted nothing more than to go after him and beg him to stay with her, because she needed him and because somehow she felt a little less whole without him around. It was ludicrous.

What had ever drawn her in? Sure, he was attractive. With those gorgeous hazel eyes, those ridiculously long lashes, and a perfectly sculpted chest, she doubted anyone would argue that he wasn't, but she wasn't shallow enough to date someone just because they looked nice. She should have let it die at the beginning, when he'd been clear that she was the last person he wanted to be around, avoiding her at all cost and dismissing her easily.

Where had her pride gone?

She twirled her cell phone absentmindedly between her fingers, using her free hand to pinch the bridge of her nose. No matter how many times she ran everything over in her mind, nothing ever seemed to make any more sense. She didn't even have the certainty of knowing that her theory about Quil and the wolf being one and the same was correct.

Going back to New York was going to be hard. Claire couldn't quite fathom returning to the distantly familiar polluted air, huge school, and old friends. She'd grown to enjoy the quiet wilderness that enveloped La Push almost entirely.

Thinking about New York reminded her off Matt's unanswered text messages, and she felt a flash of guilt. Before leaving for La Push, she and Matt had had more than one fight about his stupid friends and his ridiculous weekend drinking habits, but he'd never walked away from her. He'd stood by her through everything, and he'd supported her in almost everything she'd done. She had been the one to walk away, abandoning him for La Push.

Now that she knew what if felt like to be abandoned, how could she blame him for his reaction? How could she blame him for demanding answers? Sure, he could have been more tactful about it, but he'd been angry and hurt and he'd lashed out. She could understand that.

She picked up her phone, fingers typing words that meant little but much at the same time, renewed determination setting in. She was closing the book on Quil. She wanted him, and that wasn't going to go away, but she needed to move on, the way he so obviously had. La Push was a tight-knit community, and Embry and Jacob had been around often enough during her three days of lock up that she knew it was impossible for Quil not to have heard of her suffering.

He hadn't come, and she couldn't keep running after him.

Claire was sitting at the kitchen table waiting when the doorbell rang. She was still too numb to contemplate whether or not her rash action was going to have any real consequences as she pulled open the door, trying to plaster a smile on her face and failing miserably.

"Hey."

"Hey," she echoed, leaning against the door. "Do you want to come in?"

"I don't know… last time… your uncle didn't seem too happy to see me. I don't want to upset him."

She nodded, the tiniest flicker of amusement lighting in her stomach. So he was afraid of Sam, was he? She didn't bother mentioning that Sam and the rest weren't even around as she stepped out of the house. He and Emily had left early that morning to go somewhere, where she didn't know.

"Let's go for a walk," she suggested, noting that her voice was raspy and her throat ached. She rubbed it absentmindedly, wondering what had caused the pain – her midnight screams, probably.

Matt shoved his hands in his pockets, stepping off the front steps as he waited for her to shut the screen door and fall in beside him. "I was surprised," he said, tone guarded, "I didn't think you wanted to see me."

"I didn't," she replied honestly. Lies were no good, and she'd suffered through enough of them since getting to La Push.

"Oh." He paused uncomfortably, shifting awkwardly from one foot to another before turning to face her fully. "So what changed your mind?"

"Everything," she shrugged.

Matt's familiar blue eyes were assessing as they looked at her, "What changed, Claire?"

"Everything," she said again, walking forward, running away.

He didn't waste any time in catching up with her, an easy feat considering how much longer his strides were. He caught her gently by the elbow, never pausing in his step. "Are you alright?"

She shied away from the touch. It was too assuming, too intimate. It didn't feel right. He wasn't Quil. He shouldn't be looking at her like that. Claire internally slapped herself – wasn't that the point? That he wasn't Quil? Quil was lost to her; it was time to move on.

She let out a mental sigh. No matter how many times she'd told herself that Quil was gone, it never seemed to set in entirely.

Matt pulled his hand back instantly, dipping his head and rolling his eyes. "Sorry."

Wonderful, she sighed, now she'd upset him. "No, I'm sorry, it's just… I've had a rough week."

"We were friends before we dated, Claire, stop running and talk to me, will you?" His voice was rough and cutting. She was grateful for it. She was sick of pity. She'd gotten enough from Emily and Sam these last few days.

"I'm going home," she replied, and this time her voice was stronger.

Matt stumbled. "You what?"

"I'm going home."

"I thought you said… what the hell Claire? What happened?"

What happened? Her heart had shattered into a million pieces, she'd realized La Push would never accept her entirely, she'd lost the love of her life… "A lot. I really don't want to talk about it."

"So when are you going back?"

"A few days. I just have to get my stuff wrapped up at school and what not. My mom bought the flight this morning," she ran a hand through her hair, "honestly, I still can't quite believe it myself."

"What about Quil?"

His name was life a knife to the heart, and she inhaled sharply. "We broke up."

"Right," Matt murmured, "well, that I wasn't expecting."

Neither was I, she thought wryly. "It was all a mess anyways," she found herself saying, "there was never any sense to our relationships. It was all emotion and feeling and impulse, no logic." She'd liked living without logic, too, until reality had come rushing in and stabbed her through the chest.

"So what are you going to do, when you get back to New York?"

She rolled one shoulder, "Nothing, I guess. Just settle back in. Vicki keeps complaining about how boring life is without me, anyway. Apparently, if I don't get my ass home soon, she's going to rip my entrails out through my noise and serve them to me fried."

Matt laughed. She jumped at the noise, then hoped he hadn't noticed. Since when had she become so skittish? "God, Vicki. She still hates me, in case you were wondering."

She smiled. "It's good to know some things haven't changed."

They were pretty far down the road now, at least a half mile, probably more, but she was still a little surprised when he paused and turned around, leaning against an ancient looking tree. "I wanted to apologize," he said firmly.

"What?"

"I wanted to apologize. For the whole mess I made after you came here. You know, the way I accused of cheating and then after, when I just showed it… I'm sorry. I acted like a dumbass."

She couldn't remember the last time she'd heard Matt say anything remotely self-deprecating. Claire smiled, slightly. "Forgiven."

He waved his hands around widely, "I know I don't have an excuse, really, but… you were always so distant, I never knew quite what to make of you."

Claire tilted her head. "What do you mean?"

He shrugged. "You never seemed emotionally attached to me. Which is cool, I guess, I liked that you weren't clingy, but it was weird at the same time. I mean, we dated for two years, Claire, and you just up and left like it was nothing."

She bit her bottom lip. "I know. I'm sorry."

The corner of his mouth turned up. "Forgiven."

"Thank you."

He gave her a playful shove, "It's your loss, anyways. I'm an astoundingly attractive guy, so I'm told."

Claire found it surprisingly easy to roll her eyes at him. "You're ridiculous."

"I'm amazing," he replied, "intelligent, handsome, popular, rich—"

"And so humble too," she grinned.

He smiled back at her. "Finally."

"What?"

"You smiled, took you long enough, you were starting to depress me."

"Shut up," she said, though her words lacked conviction. She glanced up at him, settling in beside him against the tree. She kicked a rock around absentmindedly, "God, I can't believe it all came down to this."

"Came down to what?"

"Me, you, my mother buying me a plane ticket home… it's just weird. If you had told me a week ago that all of this would happen, I never would have believed it," she inhaled deeply, enjoying the unpolluted air and the smell of the trees, still damp with morning dew. "I'm going to really miss this place."

Matt shifted awkwardly, trying to get an arm around her in a one-armed hug. She moved forward to accommodate his arm before settling into his side, grateful for the comfort. He smelled just the same has he always had. Burberry cologne mixed with laundry detergent and just the faintest smell of the city. Nothing like Quil, who had always smelled of some nameless soap and the forest. "Eh, it's boring. The nearest city isn't nearly as interesting as New York. There's no subway, no obnoxiously loud noises, no polluted air… Where the hell are you going to find a bunch of weirdos to people watch?"

She knew he was teasing her, so she playfully elbowed him in the side. "People watching is fun – especially on the subway."

"Yeah, except it's not so fun when you get yourself killed for looking at someone the wrong way."

Claire rolled her eyes. "Yes, Mother."

He grunted back at her, and she wondered just why she'd ever dismissed him. Sure, he was no Quil, he didn't make her heart race the same way, or her skin burn beneath his touch, but he was familiar, and kind, and dependable.

She tilted her head up slightly, squinting beneath the sun as she gazed at him. He was handsome, with his light brown hair falling over the tips of his ears, ice blue eyes, and perfectly formed features. He didn't have Quil's strength or height, but he was no ugly duckling.

"You're staring at me," he noted, not bothering to look down at her. "Why?"

"Just thinking."

"Of what, exactly?"

"Honestly?"

He rolled his eyes. "No, I want you to lie to me. Yes, honestly."

"I was wondering why I'm such an idiot."

His brow furrowed, and he glanced down at her. "Huh?"

She nodded. "I tossed away everything I had like it was nothing just because I thought I might have a chance at something else. I don't get it."

He shrugged. "Neither do I."

He was close enough to her that she only had to shift up the tiniest bit and her lips would brush his. She bit her lip.

He glanced down at her again, unintentionally closing a bit of the already tiny gap between them. "Claire? You alright?"

Why should she be alone? Why should she pine, when he didn't want her? Why, why, why? She pushed up on impulse, her lips crashing into Matt's with a little too much force and knocking him off balance, his back hitting the tree with enough force to cause him to grunt in pain. He froze instantly, but she forged ahead, moving her lips across his again, this time a little more gently.

His hand hesitantly came to rest on her hip, and he began to respond slowly to her kiss. His free arm wound slowly around her waist, pulling her so that their chests touched.

Her heart rate didn't quicken, her breath didn't start coming in short gasps, her skin didn't tingle, there was only the distant haze of comfort and familiarity.

She felt a knot of frustration in her stomach. Why? Why did he have to ruin everything?

She reached her hands up to tangle them in Matt's hair, tugging him closer still, forcing him to deepen the kiss in a desperate attempt to convince herself she could still feel something, even as her heart screamed in protest that what she was doing was wrong.

Matt needed no encouragement, moving them so she was trapped between him and the tree, his mouth slanting over hers.

It didn't feel the way it should have. Even as Matt kissed her, her thoughts kept drifting back to Quil. She thought of how he dwarfed her in height. How he folded her into his arms and she felt she could hide there forever, safe and warm and right. How when he held her, every nerve in her body seemed to light on fire for him and only him.

Matt pulled away abruptly, and she felt nothing but the loss of warmth. She blinked up at him, noting that his breath was coming in quickened breaths, and beneath her palm, she could feel that his heart rate quicken.

She'd never felt so guilty in her entire life, and she was fairly sure it showed on her face. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't have done that."

He shook his head, "No, you shouldn't have, and I shouldn't have kissed you back."

"I'm sorry," she said again.

"Look, Claire… I do still care about you, but, you're not ready for this, and I'm not going to jump back into a one-sided relationship again," the words weren't unkind, but merely accepting.

Claire nodded, moving her hand off his chest to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "I know, and I'm sorry. It isn't fair to you."

"No," he said, "it isn't."

"I just…" She trailed off, knowing there was no good explanation for her actions. "Do you think… I'd like it if we could still be friends. You know, when I get back to New York…"

He nodded. "Yeah, sure. After you get out of this place," his smile was teasing again, "it still creeps the hell out of me."

She laughed in pure relief. "Thanks," she said, hugging him quickly. "That means a lot."

He smiled back at her, "Of course."

She stiffened abruptly, catching sight of a flash of chocolate brown in the trees. "Did you see that?"

He turned around, following her gaze into the forest. "See what?"

It couldn't have been… or had it? Oh, god. "There was something there," she said, "I thought I saw something."

Matt studied her. "Are you joking? Because if you are, I have to tell you, it's not funny. I wasn't kidding. This place does give me the creeps."

A loud howl echoed through the forest, and she stiffened instantly, more in surprise than in fear.

"Oh, shit," Matt looked like he was ready to pass out. "Oh, dear God."

"Calm down, it's nothing."

"It's nothing?! Claire, that is not nothing. There's a damn wolf walking around and we're just sitting here waiting to get attacked."

"It isn't all that uncommon," she said, smiling a bit as she watched him hyperventilate. "We are right by the woods." It was true, too. Since getting to La Push, she'd gotten used the random howls echoing out at different times of day. She'd tried to figure out a pattern to them, but there didn't seem to be any.

Matt shivered. "Can we go back to the house now?"

She laughed. "Yeah, alright."

Claire let her gaze travel the stretch of trees beside her one last time before falling back into step with Matt, this time heading back the way they'd come. She had hoped to catch another glimpse of chocolate brown, or some sort of sign that he really was there, watching, protecting, the way he had in her dreams for years. If he had been… It would be comforting to know that he hadn't been able to rid himself of her so easily.

She saw nothing.

She let a disappointed sigh slip between her teeth, shoving her hands in her pockets and half listening to Matt as he rambled on about school and their old friends.

"You okay?" He asked, apparently catching on to her inattention as they strolled back into the dirt covered drive way of Sam and Emily's house.

"I'm fine," she said, "just tired."

Matt nodded. "Alright… well, I should get going anyway. I've got a bunch of packing to do. My flight leaves tomorrow."

There was something final about his last sentence, and she realized that even though they'd patched things up, this was a sort of end for them. There was no real way of ever going back to what'd they been. Sure, they would laugh and joke and greet each other, but their failed relationship was always going to stretch awkwardly between them.

She was losing yet another person she cared about. Claire reached out and took his hand on impulse, "Thanks for coming."

"Sure."

"It really meant a lot to me," she pushed up on her toes again, this time pressing a chaste, quick kiss to his cheek. "Bye, Matt."

There was the flicker of a smile on his face. "Bye, Claire."

She watched his car until she couldn't see it anymore, and then she turned back to the house, dragging her feet up the stairs of the porch and pushing her key in the door knob. Somehow, she felt even lonelier than before.

The kitchen was still empty when she walked in, and she wondered just where Emily and Sam had disappeared too. It wasn't like either of them to leave the reservation, especially not for long periods of time.

She poured herself a glass of juice and kicked the refrigerator door closed, casting a glance at front door. She'd left the door unlocked, as was custom, but no one seemed inclined to come in. Usually, there was a constant flow of people, as all the boys seemed to show up at the most random of hours, just to chat or get something to eat, but Emily must have warned everyone away, because since she'd broken up with Quil, the house had been mostly quiet.

She boosted herself up on the kitchen table, her mind rolling over the memories. If she tried hard enough, she could almost feel Quil's fingers trailing down her side, almost remember exactly how his lips had touched hers.

The sound of the screen door creaking open snapped her back into reality, and her fingers tightened around her glass as she eased off the table.

"Emily? Sam?"

Sam nodded his greeting as he shoved his way through the doorway, hands filled with bags of groceries and cleaning supplies and looking less than pleased. Emily slipped in behind him, coming up to stand next to her niece with the same comforting smile she'd worn for days.

"How are you?"

Claire shrugged, playing with the half-empty class in her hands. "Where'd you guys go? I was beginning to think something had happened."

"Claire," Emily paused, her eyes clouded with worry. Claire felt her heart constrict painfully, "There's something you need to—"

The screen door burst open again, the sound cutting off whatever bad news Emily had been about to impart. The sound of heels against the worn wood of the floor echoed out in warning before another figure slipped into the kitchen, eyes wide and lips smiling.

"Hey, little sister, how've you been?"

Claire dropped her glass.

A/N: So to be honest, if New Moon hadn't been as awesome as it was (the wolves made the movie for me) I probably wouldn't have posted, but seeing wolf-Jacob, wolf-Sam, and wolf-Paul was enough to get me to procrastinate the massive amounts of work I've been doing.

In my defense, I had computer problems, then I was on vacation, then I had more annoying computer problems, then my muse took a vacation, and then I had people visiting me, then school started, then I had to catch up with college people, then I had midterms, now I term papers… Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Please don't kill me. I know this seems very filler-esque but it is a necessary chapter. I promise.

Review replies for the last chapter will probably come in a few days after school lets out for the break.