Chapter Twenty: In a Hopeless Place
Kyoko arrived at the karaoke box slightly late. Her anxious eyes and panting told Kanae that Kyoko had rushed all the way there from a set where shooting had run late, and that she fully expected Kanae to be angry with her. Immediately, Kanae felt herself forgive Kyoko's lateness; in their line of work, being late for personal things was inevitable. She smile a little and patted he seat next to her. The relief that crossed Kyoko's face was worth it.
"I don't understand," sad Kyoko, "why you aren't mad at me."
"If I was mad at you for everything that you can't control, I wouldn't have time to be friends with you," said Kanae. "And I like being friends with you. Don't make me say that again."
Kyoko brightened. "I like being friends with you too!"
"So I take it that Box Rran a little late today," said Kanae in an effort to change the topic from feelings to something she was comfortable with.
"It ended early, actually," said Kyoko, "It was my meeting with the President that went a little long."
"What did he want to see you about?" asked Kanae, dread welling in her stomach.
"The death threats," said Kyoko. "Well, mostly. He wanted to talk about my feelings for Ren too. And about how to set boundaries in relationships. I cried a bit."
"He knows about how you feel?" asked Kanae. "Also, any leads on who's sending them?"
"He knows," said Kyoko. "And he wants me to act on it. I can't though, mostly because I'm too scared. But apparently, he's been watching us since we met and he sees that I love him. He said that they're from a few of Ren's superfans, the ones who buy every poster and go to every premiere and watch every drama religiously. He said that he's keeping an eye on them, and that so are the police. I don't think that will be enough. Fangirls are crazy."
"They really are," agreed Kanae. "I would help, but there's only so much I can do. I don't have much martial arts training, and you have some. Enough to disarm someone with a knife, anyway."
"Thank you for the confidence," said Kyoko. "It means a lot to me."
"So the President has you on track to graduate from LoveMe relatively soon," said Kanae. "I just… I wanted to talk to you about how I was dealing with my family. And all that stuff."
"Okay," said Kyoko, folding her hands in her lap. "What did you want to talk about?"
"My family," said Kanae. "I've been, well, seeing things a little differently lately."
Kyoko cocked her head to one side. "What do you mean?"
"They're still annoying," said Kanae. "But they're, I don't know, easier to be around, I guess? Ever since all my siblings got jobs and plan on keeping them, I've felt less like they're dragging on me. I just, I was thinking about your family and how messed up it is, and I looked at mine, and the only thing they've done wrong is love me and be poor. And I didn't really appreciate that until a couple days ago, when they were leaving and I realized that I hadn't been angry once their entire visit. They're really trying to stay employed, and they're really trying to raise their kids in a loving home. I guess I didn't appreciate that."
"But that's all you've known," said Kyoko. "Just like being unloved was all I'd ever known. I'm glad that it's easier for you to be around your family. They seemed really energetic that time I went to your house and they were all there."
"Energetic's a word for it," said Kanae darkly. "Anyway, I thought that I would give my family a real chance to show me their love. And give myself a real chance to love them too. I'm scared of how badly this could fail, but at the same time I'm nervous because I have so many bad habits when it comes to spending time with them. I'm going to try, though."
"That's a really hard decision to make," said Kyoko. "I'll support you."
"Thanks," said Kanae. "Now, tell me about last night with Tsuruga."
Kyoko blushed. "We had dinner. He asked me to send him a grocery list, so I did, and he got food for us, even the brands that I prefer to cook with. I got to his apartment and he met me in the lobby and we went up. We talked a bit when I made dinner – he can be really funny when he wants – and he cleaned up when we finished. And then we watched Casablancaand…"
"And?" prompted Kanae after a moment.
"And I fell asleep on him," said Kyoko bashfully.
"So what happened then?" asked Kanae.
"When I woke up, I was curled up on his chest and Yashiro was in the kitchen making phone calls to reschedule our days," said Kyoko.
Kanae laughed. "Of course. Trust you to be caught in another compromising position with that man. Good thing it was his manager and not the President."
"I am also grateful that the President wasn't the one to find us," said Kyoko.
"You know that it worries me when you stay over at Tsuruga's, right?" said Kanae. "I get really scared that he'll do something to you and you won't be able to get help."
"I guess that's a reasonable fear to have," said Kyoko thoughtfully. "You don't really know him, and I know it looks suspicious from the outside. I just feel really safe with him."
"That worries me more," said Kanae. "Look, I know that he's got the whole gentleman thing going on, but Kyoko, he's still a man. Never mind that he's famous and paparazzi would eat you alive if they could make a plausible argument for the two of you being a thing."
"I know," said Kyoko softly. "But being around him makes me fluttery and calm at the same time. I know I'm being selfish and stupid, but I really cherish the time I get to spend with him."
"Then, as much as I hate to say this," said Kanae, "you need to tell him. You deserve better than to be left with unrequited feelings. Once you know, you'll be able to move forward, one way or another."
"Really?" asked Kyoko.
"How would I know?" asked Kanae irritably. "I don't have a love life. I don't date. It just seems like the most logical thing to happen."
"You should find someone to love too," said Kyoko. "So that you can learn and be a better actress!"
"Just because you're in love doesn't mean that I should be too," said Kanae. "And don't you use the better actress argument with me. If I decide I'm going to date someone, it'll be because I'm ready. Just let me handle one kind of love at a time, okay? I'm already giving my family a chance."
"I'm glad," said Kyoko. "A lot of people date because they thing they have to. I'm glad that you've decided to do that when you're ready, not when someone else thinks you should."
"I know that," grumbled Kanae. "Are we going to do any karaoke, or is this a talking-only day?"
"You found something you want to sing," said Kyoko.
"They just added Box 'R''s theme song to the list," said Kanae. "I want to try singing it."
"Miss Sigh!"
"I like it, okay?"
"Okay. But I get to sing These Passing Clouds's theme after."
"What? No!"
"But I like it. And not because it's your drama either."
"Ugh. Fine."