Interior Landscape

Chapter 20: First Arrivals

Hawkeye looked out at the passing landscape. It was still early enough in the fall for it to be muggy and he sat back and let the heat sink into his bones. The silence in the truck was an easy one. The old colonel didn't ask hard questions and somehow Hawkeye didn't feel like he had to put a mask on for his old CO. But the trip into town hadn't taken nearly enough time. As far as he was concerned they could've stayed away from the house all night. But Sherman only practiced medicine part time, mostly filling in for the town doctor when he was away and so there was nothing to keep them in town.

He glanced over at the man behind the wheel. What would he say if Hawkeye told him he didn't want to go back? That he didn't want to face all of those people. What if he told him how it tore at him inside, this masochistic desire to see all of them and the resentment he felt toward them?

"A penny for your thoughts, Pierce."

Hawkeye realized he had been staring and turned away, plucked at the bandage covering the stitches on his arm. "Just wishing I didn't have to do this."

Sherman nodded his head but didn't turn from the road. He didn't understand everything that the younger man was feeling but he knew it must be hard. "No one's going to judge you, Hawkeye. Just try to relax. If it gets to be too much you can always escape to a bedroom or go for a walk."

Hawkeye nodded his head. He just didn't want anyone to see him. He felt like he had a giant sign on his chest proclaiming that he was crazy. When they turned into the rutted drive Hawkeye closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He opened them again when they pulled to a stop and stared at the front porch. There, standing by the door, was the blond bombshell herself. Hawkeye gripped the door handle and pushed the door open.

At least Margaret had seen him. Margaret already knew the story, had seen him since all this had started. He walked up to where she was standing. "Margaret."

"Hawkeye."

Hawkeye stiffened before relaxing as she threw her arms around him. "I knew you'd fall for my body one day."

He was disconcerted when she pulled back to see tears in her eyes, felt himself closing down. The last thing he needed was to be reminded of how his actions affected other people. He pushed past her into the house.

Margaret watched as Hawkeye walked away from her. She turned to where the colonel was standing at the bottom of the steps and gave him a hug. "What did I do?"

Sherman linked his arm through the woman's and escorted her up the stairs. "Offhand, I'd say you cared." He turned away from the door. "It's good to see you, Margaret."

Margaret smiled and rubbed a finger under her eye to try and clear up the damage she'd done with her tears. The last thing she wanted to do was go in there with mascara running down her cheeks. "It's good to see you to, Sir."

Inside Hawkeye retreated to his room. The Hunnicuts and the Freedmans had been sitting in the living room watching as Erin and David played together so he'd been able to sneak past without them noticing him. He paced the room, thought about turning around and leaving. Just taking off and going somewhere where no one would know him. Of leaving everyone and everything behind.

Of course he'd done that once before and it hadn't done him any good. If he was going to be forced to live like this then he needed to decide what to do with his life. The thought of wandering aimlessly for the rest of his life held no appeal. He threw himself down on the bed and studied his shoes.

He'd never wanted to be anything but a doctor and now that desire was gone. He needed to think and he couldn't do that surrounded by people all the time. He felt like he was wrapped in wool, everything seemed so blunted, knew that it was the medicine. He was half tempted to stop taking it again. At first, when he'd stopped before, he had felt so good. The lure of that rush, the feeling of being on top of the world, was so tempting.

He'd be able to think then, to feel, and experience things. Now it was like the majority of his feelings were locked away and now he just felt like shit.

There was a knock on the door and Hawkeye groaned. He didn't look up as the door opened or when feet appeared in front of his. What did get his attention was the beer shoved in his face. He looked up to see BJ standing in front of him.

"Take it." BJ handed the beer to his friend and sat down on the other bed in the room taking a sip from his own. "How was the trip into town?"

Hawkeye studied his friend. BJ seemed more relaxed than he'd seen him since he'd gotten out of the hospital last. "Fine."

"Good. You know, Sherman's got a basketball hoop out back. We could shoot some hoops."

Hawkeye continued to stare at his friend. "Basketball?"

BJ grinned and stood up. "Yeah, you remember it's the game with the hoop and the orange ball."

Hawkeye took a pull from his own bottle, didn't know how to react to this sudden change in his friend. He wanted so much to just say yes, to let everything go back to being normal. But the anger and resentment that he felt at the way BJ had treated him made it hard. He narrowed his eyes. "What brought this on?"

BJ sighed and walked to the window. "I can't invite my best friend to a game of basketball?"

Hawkeye stood and placed the beer on the bureau. "You're best friend, sure. You're charge? The mental patient you've been taking care of for the last seven months? I'm not so sure."

BJ turned on his friend and studied him. He was right. Ever since he'd taken guardianship of Hawkeye he'd been treating him differently. Being with the colonel and Margaret again had shown him that. "I know things between us have been differently lately, Hawk. I'm sorry. I just . . . I was worried and I wanted to make sure that nothing happened to you."

Hawkeye could feel the anger burning inside him, coaxed the flame. "Bullshit! When you look at me you don't see the man you served with in Korea. You see someone who has to be handled with kid gloves." Hawkeye stopped and caught his breath. "You haven't seen me as your friend in a long time. Why start now?"

BJ turned from Hawkeye, couldn't stand the accusation in his eyes. "I was wrong, okay. I admit it. You needed a friend and I wasn't there for you but, Hawk, you've been doing your best to push everyone away." BJ turned on him, his own anger coming to the surface. "What about you, huh? You've been so busy building walls around yourself that no one can get in! Every time I tried to be your friend you would push me away. The only thing you've let me be is your keeper!"

"That's all I'm fit for anymore!"

Silence filled the room broken only by Hawkeye's labored breathing. He hung his head and sat on the bed. Everything that BJ had said was true. He hadn't let him be a friend.

BJ stared at his friend, anger warring with disgust at his own blind acceptance. Of course Hawkeye would see himself that way and BJ just hadn't pushed hard enough to get through. He'd fallen in the trap of seeing Hawkeye as damaged and hadn't taken the time to see the whole man. But having Hawkeye continually push him away had hurt so bad.

"That's not true and I'm sorry if my actions made you feel that way."

Hawkeye watched as BJ left the room. Part of him wanted so badly to go and apologize. He wanted his friendship with BJ to return to normal. It was this realization that got him up and off the bed. It was the first time he'd craved another's presence, the presence of a friend, in so long.

Hawkeye walked downstairs and into the living room. Everyone was there except BJ. "Where's BJ?"

Sidney looked up from where he was watching David and Erin play on the floor. "He said he needed to go for a walk. Everything all right?"

"Yeah." Hawkeye turned around and bound out of the house and down the porch.

He could see BJ at the bottom of the drive and ran to catch up. He caught up with his friend and continued to walk with him in silence for a while. It'd been so long since he'd reached out to anybody that he wasn't sure how to anymore. Everything he wanted to say sounded wrong in his mind. "I've always wondered why they called Missouri the show me state."

they called Missouri the show me state."

BJ continued to contemplate the road under his feet. "I think it has something to do with a speech given by Vandiver."

They continued up the road, each man lost in thought of the other. It was a hot and muggy day and soon BJ was sweating. "You really don't mind us moving to Crabapple Cove?"

Hawkeye was taken aback by the sudden change in topic, paused briefly while BJ pulled ahead. "No."

BJ stopped and looked back at his friend. "I really am sorry, Hawkeye. I wish I'd handled things differently."

Hawkeye shrugged his shoulders and started walking again. "I know this hasn't been easy for you. I'm sorry for making things . . .more difficult."

They turned around and started back to the house. The unease between them a little more bearable.

"So, still up for that game of basketball?"

BJ grinned at his friend and clapped him on the back. "Sure."

*******************************************************

The game had been fun. Hawkeye sat in the back yard and sipped at his water. He'd been surprised that he'd enjoyed it so much. They'd pulled Sherman and Sidney into the game as well while the women watched and cheered them on.

Hawkeye turned to Sidney and watched as the other man held his sleeping child. It was a side of Sidney he'd never seen before. It made him seem softer, more real, somehow. "Who else is coming to this little shindig of yours?"

Sidney looked up from where he'd been contemplating David's black hair. It was curling so softly around his ear. It accentuated the perfect shape of it. "Well, Charles is due in later this evening." He stopped and considered the other man. Something had happened earlier in the day that had taken some of the wariness off of Hawkeye.

Sidney had been both pleased and surprised to see Hawkeye join the basketball game earlier. It was something that he hadn't been expecting. "You seem to be feeling better about this. What happened to change your mind?"

Hawkeye stared out at the back yard and shrugged his shoulders. He was still nervous, still afraid the others would see him for what he really was and pity him. In truth he didn't know if he could do it but he'd decided that he had to try. He studied the bandage on his arm. "I'm still uncomfortable about this, Sidney. Who else is coming?"

Sidney smiled at his wife as she came out of the house and handed him a glass of water. She bent down and gave him a kiss while taking David out of his arms.

Miriam smiled down at her husband's patient. Normally she didn't meet with the people her husband worked with and in truth didn't really care to. But she knew that her husband had developed a special bond with this man. She was glad to see his mood improving. "Hawkeye, would you like another glass of water?"

Hawkeye smiled and shook his head. "No thanks." He watched as she carried the little boy inside. "Answer the question, Sidney."

Sidney took a sip of his water and sighed as it washed away the dryness in his throat. "Father Mulcahy and Radar will both be here tomorrow."

Hawkeye closed his eyes and tried to swallow the bile that climbed his throat. Radar had always looked up to him, almost worshipped him and while that had gotten better after they'd come to an understanding he didn't want the young man to see him like this. "Is that all?"

Sidney nodded and watched as the other man digested the news. It would be these two that would be the hardest as they hadn't interacted with Hawkeye since he'd come back from Korea. "It'll be okay, Hawkeye."

Hawkeye turned to watch as BJ started setting up the barbecue. Sherman had gone to pick up Charles and it wouldn't be long until they arrived.

The thought of seeing Charles again scared the shit out of him. The last time he'd seen him he'd been in a very bad place and he didn't want to look and see pity in the Bostonian's eyes. Hawkeye leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

Charles had always been such a pompous ass. He wasn't sure if he was hoping whether that had changed or not. If it hadn't then he would be easier to ignore but if it had . . .

"Sidney, I need to figure out what to do with my life."

Sidney turned to the other man, couldn't help the delighted smile that stretched across his face. He knew having Hawkeye confront his past was the step to getting him to face his future. "Any ideas?"

Hawkeye shook his head and frowned. He'd just always wanted to be a doctor. It was all he knew. But he didn't know if he still had it in him. He didn't know if he could face it. "A doctor is all I've ever wanted to be, Sidney. I can't picture myself doing anything else."

Sidney nodded. In truth he didn't know if it was wise for Hawkeye to return to surgery. There was always the chance that his moods may swing even under the meds, especially under stress. "Is that something you think you'd like to do again?"

Hawkeye stood and went to the edge of the porch, sighed. "Not surgery. I don't think I could do that again. I don't know maybe if I had my own practice. I just don't know, Sidney."

Sidney stood and walked to Hawkeye's side, studied the landscape before him. "If you had a partner I think that would be okay."

Hawkeye flinched at the psychiatrist's words; understood the implied meaning. He couldn't practice medicine without someone looking over his shoulder. He felt his good mood deflate. What was the use? How could he possibly return to some semblance of normal when he couldn't even work without supervision?

Sidney sensed Hawkeye's mood dive, sighed. Hawkeye had to face up to the truth. He had to learn to accept his limitations and he needed to see that that was okay. That he could still have a normal life. Even if it was different than the one he'd had previously. "Why don't you take some time and think about it."

Hawkeye nodded and walked out to see if he could help BJ with the barbecue.

*******************************************************

Charles studied the white frame house as he exited the truck. In truth he was very nervous about this get together. Seeing Hawkeye in the hospital had changed him. When he'd seen what Hawkeye was going through, what he himself had escaped . . . he realized life was too precious to waste on trivialities. So while he still enjoyed the finer things in life he was more aware of everyday things, of the nuances that so many people took for granted.

He took his bag from Sherman's hand. "I never realized you had such a large abode, colonel."

Sherman studied the Bostonian and the snarky come back died on his lips. The statement had lacked any of Winchester's usual snobbishness. "Yes, well, it's not the Waldorf=Astoria but it's home."

Charles followed the older man toward the house. He had never thought to visit Missouri before. But it really was a quaint little place, flat when compared with the east coast, but nice. "Sir, how is Hawkeye doing? I know you said he'd improved but . . ." Scenes of the last time he'd seen the other surgeon flashed in his mind. The dull, lifeless eyes still haunted him.

Sherman couldn't quite get his head around this new version of Winchester and he wondered what had happened to change the other man so completely. He turned and regarded the other man before leading him over to chairs on the porch. "Well, I never really saw him at his worst. He's still having some problems. I'd hoped that things would be looking up for him but I just don't know. Sidney seems to think so but he's been with him through the worst of it."

Charles contemplated the bag at his feet, felt the pall of Korea start to descend about him again. He wanted very much to turn around, to try and forget everything connected with that place.

The ex CO continued to stare at his former surgeon while the silence built. It was obvious that something was bothering the other man. "You're not nervous about seeing him are you, Winchester?"

Charles turned to the older man and studied him. Was he nervous? No, not like the other man meant, but Hawkeye had had a profound effect on him. He didn't know if seeing the other man would once again bring out his own demons. "No. I'm simply inquiring after his health."

inquiring after his health."

Sherman nodded. That sounded more like the Winchester he knew. "Well, instead of sitting here and talking about him why don't we go inside and you can see for yourself."

"Certainly." Charles followed the other man into the house. He took his time and studied the décor. It was a pleasant home, not fancy, but comfortable.

"Mildred, dear, we have another guest." He took the bag from Charles's hand as his wife emerged from the kitchen. "I'll set this by the stairs and you can take it up later."

Mildred smiled at the bald headed gentleman. She wasn't really sure what to expect from this one. Sherman had often assured her he was a good man just a pompous ass. It made her nervous. "Dr. Winchester, it's nice to finally meet you."

Charles smiled down at the older lady and took her hand. "The pleasure is mine, dear lady. Please, call me Charles." Charles watched as the woman blushed and he smiled and looked over the house. "This is a lovely home, my dear."

Mildred smiled at the man in front of her. She tried to discern if the man was being snide but she couldn't pick up any hidden inflection in his tone and decided to take the words at face value. "Thank you. The others are out back. Why don't you go join them and I'll send Sherman out with some refreshment."

Charles nodded and made his way through the home to the back door. Outside he could see Sidney Freedman sitting on the patio while Hawkeye and BJ were at the grill. He took a moment to observe Hawkeye.

The other man smiled some but it wasn't the easy carefree smile that he'd often worn in Korea. He acted like it was an emotion that he was out of practice with and remembering how he'd been back in Boston maybe he was. Charles took a deep breath and stepped back into the sweltering heat.

Sidney turned and stood when he heard the door open. He smiled and stepped forward to offer the other man his hand, was surprised when he was engulfed in a hug. He returned the embrace and stepped back to study the other man more closely. "Charles, you look good."

Charles stepped back, a bit embarrassed by his impromptu display of emotion. "Dr. Freedman, it's good to see you."

Sidney continued to study the surgeon. He looked good. There wasn't anything that was setting off his alarm bells but something had changed. He supposed he shouldn't be surprised. The war had changed all of them. "Have a seat."

Charles continued to stand. He couldn't take his eyes off of the two men out in the yard. "How's he doing?"

Sidney turned and looked out to where BJ was talking to Hawkeye. "Hawkeye has his bad times and his okay times. There's still a lot to work on." He turned once again to Charles. Perhaps it wasn't the war that had changed him. The way he stared at Hawkeye . . .

Charles started off of the patio but was stopped by the other man. "If his greeting is less than enthusiastic don't take it personally. He's very nervous about seeing everyone again."

Charles turned partially and allowed a small smile to play at the corners of his mouth. "So am I." Before the other man could comment he left the patio and made his way over to where the two men were standing.

BJ noticed Charles walking their way and met him halfway. "Charles!" He embraced the other man and was somewhat surprised when his greeting was returned. He pulled away to see the other man smiling at him. "You look good. How's civilian life treating you?"

Charles smiled at the Californian and wiped at his bald head. "Very well. I'm sorry I haven't been in contact more but things have been rather hectic."

BJ nodded and started back to the barbecue. "Well come on over. We're grilling steaks and chicken for dinner."

Hawkeye watched as the two men started his way. He could see Charles studying him and it made him uncomfortable. No doubt he was comparing him to how he'd last seen him. Hawkeye closed his eyes and swallowed as the memory washed over him. Charles sitting at his bed while he was strapped down, disheveled from living on the streets. He didn't notice he was rubbing his scarred wrist until BJ stared pointedly at them. He dropped his hands to his side and continued to stare at Charles.

There was an uncomfortable silence as the two men stared at one another. Finally Charles stepped forward and embraced the other man. "Pierce, it's good to see you."

Hawkeye returned the hug stiffly. He didn't know what to say. His past was a huge stumbling block. What did you say to the man who had last seen you strapped to a bed? "You look good, Charles."

There was a shout from the patio and they turned to see Margaret coming across the yard. Charles turned more fully and smiled as the ex major made her way across the yard. She was as beautiful as ever. "Margaret, my dear, you look wonderful."

Margaret smiled as she was engulfed in a hug. She tried to reply but it ended up muffled into his chest. She pulled back and smiled up at the man who'd been both a fascination and constant irritation to her. "You too. Look at you!"

Hawkeye and BJ stood back and watched the exchange. BJ turned to Hawkeye and grinned. "I don't know about you but I think those two have some unresolved feelings."

Hawkeye was just glad the focus had been taken off of him. He needed a drink. "I'm going to go and see if I can't get us some drinks."

BJ watched as his friend made his way back up the yard. He was stopped briefly by Sidney but then went into the house. BJ turned back to the grill. It'd been so good to see Hawkeye relax a little and drop his guard but with the arrival of Charles he'd seen it snap back into place. He'd hoped that Hawk's new found ease would last but it didn't look like that would be the case.