Chapter 20: The truth beneath the rose
Love and agony are two feelings tied together once your heart and soul drift from you to live inside your significant other. You love that person with your whole heart, but when you're separated from her the unbearable form of pain squashing you, it's sheer agony. It's like you're empty, hollow of any emotion without your other half. The best of you becomes your love and when your love is threatened by something as inconsequential as low-life creatures your mind cannot comprehend or allow their existence. Something inside your head clicks together and the decision is made. They have to be annihilated.
For a human, a powerful love is his utter source of relief and content. When that paradise is put at risk the worst of one's behavior is imminently going to burst out. The need to protect your love is like the need to breathe in and out. As for me, the need to protect my Bella was indescribable and beyond anything and anyone. She was the most important thing in my universe. Life shouldn't have to exist without her.
"Hi," I heard a voice purring.
In that split second, my mind got bombarded by awful memories, memories I'd worked so hard to erase. Once upon a time, a vampire named Edward Anthony Masen Cullen lived to kill and feed upon his preys. He hunted filths that should have never existed and finished jobs that God seemed to forget about. He killed them without blinking. That was the beginning of the monster I'd become. When I met Bella I thought something had changed inside me. For the best. But how wrong was I. Nothing had changed. Not for the best at least. The monster had only been hibernating and once awaken it was unstoppable. Thirsty, hungry, maddeningly craving blood and death.
That voice was like a rhythm for danger, for villainy. That kind of voice had penetrated my ears for decades and apparently it still didn't want to avoid me. Now, however, everything was different. That voice that had threatened women all over the world was not threatening any woman anymore. It was threatening my Bella. My all. I forced myself to run faster, but the mutt went on.
"What would a beautiful defenseless girl do outside at this hour, I wonder?"
"Why would a beautiful defenseless girl stroll around in the darkness, I think it's the correct question, my friend?" I gasped when I realized he was not alone. There were two.
"See, you are whether very unfortunate or very lucky to stumble upon us. I know I feel lucky that I've stumbled upon you. You are like no other, my sweet."
"And she is so unripe."
"Tell me something honestly. Are you a virgin?"
"She's a virgin. Fresh meat."
"Oh, let's end this game."
By that point I'd lost all ability of distinguish who was saying what. My mind could only focus on one thing. Kill…The alley I was storming on was leading me to what I knew would terrify me. I was pacing at my own speed and still it felt like I was covering an endless street. It didn't help that I had ceased to breathe the moment I heard Bella moan in pain. My ears were buzzing with my anxiety and Carlisle's words. Alice had known that this would happen and she still hadn't told me anything. I snarled irritated at her, but the sound froze on my lips.
"Search deep inside your soul before you do any rash things…"
"I've seen what would probably happen, but I've also seen what would happen if I told you what I've seen… it would be worse for everyone. Especially for Bella."
Their words were like ancient echoes of a time I was a man and my mind could rationally think. At this point I was a monster, a terrible fiend that could not think. It could only watch in agony and frenzy.
"He–"a sweet sound cracked through the horror of the night. Her voice was carrying an infinite amount of fear. It outraged me. Like I needed any more reasons. I wanted to whisper reassuringly in her ear, but what she heard next was certainly not my voice.
"Do you like this, beautiful?"
I could see them now. And I could also see their end. I knew how I wanted to kill them. Agonizingly slow and overwhelmingly painful. I wanted them to live to see themselves dying. I wanted them to crawl desperately into the darkness of death. Knowing that I was close enough to prevent any harm that they could inflict upon my beloved I stopped and approached them leisurely. Like a predator.
I let out a diabolical roar that shook the ground beneath my feet. Animals and birds surrounding the area run away, anticipating the danger. The stupid filths, though, turned around to greet me. I was so close now that I could note every twist of my beloved's features. She was in pain. She was worried. And the fault was mine. I should have never lost her from my eyes.
Her eyes popped wide open and met mine in an instant. She was breathing fear. Those rogues were still keeping their hands on her. Hadn't they understood yet what was waiting for them? How bestially they were going to die? I curled my lip up and fumed with anger as Carlisle's words rang in my head again.
"…before you do any rash things…"
How I hated to disappoint him. But he had to understand that I had to kill them. I needed to. And then…then I saw Bella's expression, her pleading eyes, I heard her heart, beating forcefully like scared drums. I knew what those loving eyes were trying to send me. Faculty of reasoning. A crumb of thought flashed in my mind and though every instinct guided me to the opposite, I knew it would be wrong to kill them.
Bella jerked frenziedly in their arms, unsuccessfully trying to escape them. The way they shut her in and clutched her arms clouded my mind once more. A red mist was blurring my senses. I inhaled for a brief moment the scent of their blood. It tasted as mucky as the owners. As she gave a last struggle for freedom I snarled loudly, angrily, lethally.
"Step away from her," I ordered like I was the devil himself.
They froze, obviously being scared. They had understood at last the big mistake they had done, but their hands remained glued to my Bella. I was fuming with anger pacing slowly toward them. Pinning them with my eyes. Though I was mainly focusing on the mutts I could perfectly watch my Bella to. And she was scared. She was on the point of crying. How I hated that I had to kill them in front of her, to rip them apart. I clenched my jaw struggling to keep my mind on the target. If my eyes lingered on her face much more I would never be able to finish what I had to. She was such a diversion.
"My friend, you seem to be very unsatisfied," the taller one chuckled in spite of his fear. A hiss was forming in my chest and traveling fast toward escape.
"We can share," the other spoke as he moved his hands off of my Bella. The mutt had probably realized what I would do to him or his self-preservation instinct told him that.
"What on earth makes him look so dangerous? So bad we couldn't rape her," the first thought. My eyes slowly, ever so slowly, wandered to his face.
That was it. My face contorted in the very features of craziness and any rational thought I had ever had disappeared from my system. They were going to be exterminated. Now. I dashed to them not caring in the slightest to protect my secret. What was the point if they were going to die, anyway? With one arm I secured Bella safely to my chest and with the other I hurled them ten feet away from her. I made sure she was steady on her feet before I reluctantly removed my arm from her waist and strode unhurriedly toward them. It was almost hurting me to move so slowly, but I had a plan and every intention to stick to it. I wanted them to suffer.
They had landed with a shattering noise and the smell of blood penetrated the air as they gasped for air. In that small second it had taken them to throng down to the ground several sounds of broken bones swirled past my ears. The beginning was promising. I couldn't wait for the end, though. When it seemed it had passed forever I reached the body of the taller guy, the one I thought was in charge of the maneuver, the one I wanted to slash in tiny pieces until the pain would drive him crazy.
I knelt beside him as slowly as I'd walked and watched him hatefully first. His face was screwed up due to the pain he felt, but it was not enough. It was far from being enough. His eyes cracked open and fear was soaked in them, all traces of arrogance gone. His thoughts were incoherent, barely focusing on the pain and the need to escape from me. However, there was no hope. That much he could comprehend.
Although I was so deeply drowned in my own need of killing them I was the entire time aware of Bella's presence behind me. How could I be otherwise? I could sense the fright pouring out of her and I knew I didn't have a lot of time to kill them. She was surely going to faint and I had to catch her from falling. I just had to feel her in my arms. Just a half thought of her, had the power of distracting me. If I allowed myself to listen to her, to listen to the hummingbird sound inside her chest or to imagine her sweet fragrance floating over my skin I would be lost and those scoundrels saved. I shook my head unnoticeably for a human, but the nagging sensation in the back of my mind that I had to concentrate on Bella and snatch her away, sparing the lives of those dogs, became more and more pronounced.
They didn't deserve to live. They only deserved to suffer. Rage took over me with such force that it shook my whole frame. My hand stretched out automatically and grabbed the filth by his shoulders. Roughly. I sank my fingers in his fragile skin and relished every second of his torment. He was squirming powerlessly under my grip, but I had immobilized him with a single hand. The pain coursing through his veins was completely weakening him and bit by bit I was taking him over the edge. I was leading him to the insanity he had been so close of leading me to.
In the corner of my eye I noted the other toiling to rise himself to his feet. I chuckled darkly. He had his right foot utterly broken. Even if I didn't kill him he would never support his weight on that foot again. I didn't pay any more attention to him. Watching someone die was often more painful than actually dying of your own. Thinking of that I felt almost sorry for not killing the other first. That would have driven the rapist-leader mad. But no. I was too outraged, too keen on killing him to delay the moment.
I moved forward so his eyes could clearly see my demonic face and in that instant Bella let out a moan of fear. Either I was really crazy or really accustomed to her being, but I could swear I'd felt her hot breath caressing the back of my neck. It took all I had not to turn to her. And still I should have. I knew I should have. I could nearly hear her inner voice calling out to me.
"I'm the one who doesn't share scoundrel," I spat indignantly. "You've made an unspeakable mistake by touching her." His eyes flickered with fear, but again…it was not enough.
I scraped my fingers up to his throat and dug ruthlessly all the way in. He bawled and squalled, his voice echoing all around me. It sickened me to the core the pleasure I felt as I watched him clinging to a feeble thread of life. He was slowly passing away. As time eddied on the desire of killing them didn't cease, but consciousness crept in. Bella…Carlisle…Esme…Alice…my family. What was I doing? Certainly something very bad and certainly something that I couldn't stop anymore. Not now when I was so far gone.
My other hand clenched around his collar while I bared my teeth and rose to my feet glancing at the other mutt. He was next. My fury was to be unleashed on him in mere seconds. I dragged his body tantalizingly slow, making sure that he was bumping into every rock along the way, then stopped to take in the terror of the other. He had too much life pulsing through him. He didn't deserve it. I knelt once more and grabbed them both forcefully by their throats, then I let my hands work on their own. I watched them in their dying eyes and felt the blood warm my fingers as they plunged inside their gullets. They choked with blood and wriggled beneath my hold, letting infernal sounds slicing the silence. Screaming was only going to make it worse for them. For me it was pleasing.
But for Bella?
I winced. This was definitely not the time to think about how badly I had terrified her. Most certainly I would never be able to mend this, maybe she would always be afraid of me after this. But how was I supposed to stop when the sleeping monster had been awaken and was so incensed that he could barely breathe. Not that I needed it. Fortunately. Knowing that I had no other option than finish what I had started I let myself drown in the sensation of killing them. It was as disgusting as it was pleasant.
Sooner than later their hearts grew weak and tired and their bodies turned into limp carcasses. Just a little squeeze and they would have been dead. I would have done it if it hadn't been for that irksome feeling that was inexplicably holding me back from completing my task. I clenched my teeth, irritated at my hesitation and crouched forward to smile at them with the sweetness of death. The air smelled like incense and wax, like death and hell. This was the end. I knew it. I felt it. I flashed my teeth at them like an animal as the forest quivered with their shrieks. I was ready to destroy them and at the same time I wasn't at all.
"Edward, stop. I'm begging you, stop."
One second my eyes were sickened by the view of two criminals and the other they were drowned in Bella's very own pieces of chocolate. As her voice filled my universe, my head had snapped to her instantaneously. Something seemed to click together. Reality maybe? I was still confused and still poisoned to kill, but now it didn't matter that much. However, I didn't understand why she had stopped me. They'd wanted to harm her. I needed to…
"Search deep inside your soul…"
"I'm begging you…"
Their voices were spinning in my head, clouding the uncontrollable desire to kill. I felt close to relief. My brows knit together in utter bewilderment. What was I doing? What had Bella seen me doing? I shuddered, inspecting Bella from her first thread of hair to the shoes she was wearing. She was afraid and she was trembling. If possible, that hurt me more than the time I had been away from her, then the times I had put her in danger. That hurt like nothing else. In that second I knew that I would be able to do anything as long as she wanted me, as long as she didn't fear me. When this was going to change, my heart would smash in pieces. My eyes grew wide with my own terror as the reality of what I had done, of what I had been so close of bringing to an end consolidated in my brain.
"Please," she pleaded, trembling harder and not taking notice of my retreating hands, of my apologetic eyes. I gasped in pain at the ache I saw on her face and didn't dare to make a single move. A tear warmed her cheek, wandering down to her neck while her body quivered once more than melted toward the wet ground. I was by her side in less than a second, struggling with my emotions.
The monster that had been so vivid inside me hadn't fallen back to sleep yet, but my love for Bella overwhelmed everything else that I might have felt. My numb heart sobbed in its silent cage and my chest rose and fell nervously. Was she ever going to forgive me for putting her through this?
I held her tightly to my chest, lifting her off the ground, afraid of speaking. I wasn't ready to speak yet. I wasn't ready to hear her answer, her rejection. I wanted to hold her a minute more. She sighed to my increasing confusion. To some extent I had imagined she would throw punches at me to let go of her. But she was weak, really tired and only human. I must not fool myself. She was surely clinging to me for support not because she really wanted to. As she shook into a near swoon I tightened my grip on her and froze with anger. Anger at me. Anger at the world. Anger at the idea of losing her.
"Stay with me," I forced out through gritted teeth. If I had been able to cry I would have surely done it by now. I was suddenly afraid that if she fainted I would lose her. Forever. Though I was trying to push that thought out of my mind it was screaming at me, attacking my sanity. I could not…would not let her go away from me. Not like that. I breathed heavily and gently shook her in my arms.
"Bella don't dare to give up on me. Stay…" I pleaded, fisting my hands in her jacket.
Her eyelids vibrated with fatigue and didn't open. She appeared so worn out. My mind quickly formed its plan. I had to put her in bed as soon as possible. The first image that crossed my thoughts was – as I should have expected – her room. Charlie's house. I knew before the idea veiled itself somewhere between my overwhelming concern and my throbbing love that I didn't want to take her there. As another idea outlined its shape more prominently in my head I realized how selfish and profiteering I was. And still…
"I need you," her voice broke through the haziness of my musings. Something squeezed my heart painfully. Was I so delusional that I was imagining those words? Or had she really uttered them? Emotions I had not long ago believed that would never fill my chest again hit with full force. It almost knocked me to my knees. My weak control was slowly disappearing and now I didn't want to hurt anybody. I just wanted to kiss her. Fiercely. But she was slipping away from me. With each breath we took she was diving toward nothingness. I moved one hand desperately to her cheek to cup it, afraid all the time that I was not as gentle as she needed me to be. The rage of losing her all over again, each time feeling more powerless than the last, made the words that jolted from my mouth to sound rough, to the point of violence.
"Bella, stay…Don't. Leave. Me," I commanded each word distinct. It had sounded even to my ears more or less ramblingly.
"You're angry at me," she murmured softly. Her voice was as sweet as honey and as tormenting as a smoldering fire. My muscles tightened, unable to keep a loose hold on her.
"Just stay here…with me," was all I managed to say. "Please, Bella, I'm begging you." This at least was true. She didn't continue speaking and I didn't dare to say anything else. Inside me, acute fire was boiling.
"Bella, please," my mouth spoke of its own accord. She was slowly, but surely spinning toward nothingness. I couldn't allow that. I couldn't handle it. Though in my deepest thoughts I had the knowledge that she would wake up from her swoon after some minutes or if any complication would happen Carlisle was only minutes away, I couldn't get rid of the feeling that I might lose her forever.
I had nearly given up on my chances of keeping her awake when I felt her head leaving my shoulder and her hands traveling up my arms to my cheeks. It felt like blazing flames. I breathed with the most exquisite of relieves and shifted so I could see her eyes, but she was firmly avoiding mine. I frowned confused and hurt. Was she avoiding my eyes scared that she would see the monster I'd always told her I was?
She distracted me from my guilt-loaded thoughts caressing my forearms on her way up and stopping for the tiniest moment on my neck. I ceased to breathe and remained as motionless as a stone. In a flash second I thought about how I should be overwhelmed by the proximity and the sweet fragrance of her blood, how I should crumple to my knees begging forgiveness and how my body should collapse with all the love that I was afraid it would never be shared again.
I was set on going on with my self punishment, but absolutely everything disappeared from my mind. I couldn't sense anything beside those two soft lips pulsing love on my lips. The moment her mouth brushed against mine I gasped loudly and her hands tangled in my hair. She was kissing me after all I had done. I let myself be free and for once I didn't care what would happen if I drowned in the sensation. I responded to her kiss as fiercely as I had previously wished I could. I kissed her for all the days I'd been gone and embraced her with all the power of my love. In that blessed moment I dared to say that she loved me still.
"Bella," I whispered after a long, long time. She didn't answer, but snuggled deeper into me and closed her eyes, propping her head on my shoulder. This time I didn't feel desperate. She hadn't fainted. She had just fallen asleep. And that helped me breathe normally again. I wasn't feeling like I'd lost her. She was in my arms…just the way things were meant to be.
I pulled her safer in my arms and took off smoothly under the cover of the dark forest. Although Charlie must have surely been worried and I should have headed to his house, I decided to be selfish until the end. I pressed a kiss on her forehead and run with a light heart toward my house. We had to talk and we had to do it the moment she woke up. Besides that, I needed to have her close without being forced to leave her side if her father fancied checking on her.
It hadn't passed more than two hours after we arrived when Alice paced inside my room with her hands linked behind her back, eying me playfully. I read in her mind before she said it out loud that she wanted me to leave, to let Bella alone. I didn't understand why she bothered to verbalize her thoughts. She must have seen my negative response.
"You should leave now," she said matter-of-factly. "That rose is waiting."
"Beg your pardon?" I asked confused. Was she in her right mind? Having a husband who altered your feelings whenever he felt like it or you asked him was definitely a comfort, not really for her as it was for the others around her, but going from limitlessly angry to truthfully cheery was strange even for Alice. Jasper chuckled downstairs, feeling us and thinking about the same rose.
"I have already seen you giving her that rose so don't bother to argue with me that you won't leave her side because you will. I'll stay here even if it's useless. Now get your pretty butt outside and run quickly with your sprightly little legs north. She'll wake up in two hours."
After that, she kicked me out the window and knowing it was pointless to be against her wishes when she was so sure about something she had seen, I obeyed and headed north. In the beck of my neck I could feel her eyes supervising my route.
"I know where north is, Alice," I whispered. She heard me and started laughing, then sat on the couch, breathing silently.
I had been running for half an hour when I stumbled upon a strange bush of roses. It was strange not because it looked different from other roses, but because it was the only one in the middle of a forest full of old trees and a sea of ferns. I walked deliberately toward the spot, knowing what I would find. In my hand I was playing Alice's vision while I was also living it in the present. As she had foreseen I picked out a mesmerizing rose. In all my years of existence, or non-existence to be more accurate, I had never seen such a curiously beautiful rose. The outer petals were purely white and the more it approached the core the more it blended with a deep crimson. Those white petals that were protecting the rose's pink and red middle, its passion and suffering, looked like wings of innocence. That simple rose was so like Bella. I ripped it from the bush and made sure I removed all the thorns then headed back home.
Now the rose was resting on the nightstand waiting for Bella to wake up and underneath it the note I had left her. In those words I'd scribbled, I had poured my soul.
"See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."
It was well past midnight when I sensed her waking up. She mumbled my name softly, sending jolts of delight through my chest, then rolled on her back, throwing one hand over her head and finally flickered her eyes open. Through the heavy darkness she surely couldn't see anything. I was leaning against the big glass wall in front of the bed staring at her transfixed. As long as she had been asleep I chose to keep my distance. She needed to rest and my control was wearing thin with every second. If I had been even closer to her than I already was I wouldn't have been able to retrain myself from touching her, from feeling her warmth and beauty. And now that she was awake I couldn't make myself move from that spot.
She took in a shaky breath as a frown creased slightly her brows. She must have been remembering what had happened earlier. She slashed the darkness with her sparkling worried eyes, but they were too weak to allow her to see what she wanted. For a moment I deliberated whether or not I should switch on the lights. Her heart was pounding faster and faster with each second she couldn't distinguish her surroundings and her anxiety was soaking the air. If I stayed much longer glued to that wall I would force her into having a panic attack. Downstairs Alice confirmed my thoughts.
"You'd better tell her she's safe unless you want her running around screaming like she's raped." Her poor choice of words pushed me over the edge. A low menacing hiss escaped my lips and she rapidly took back her words. "Sorry, I mean you should tell her she's with you. That will calm her down."
Her certainty succeeded in relaxing me a little bit, but when I saw Bella staring exactly at me, breathing heavier than before, all attempts at relaxations died down. My little hiss had given me away. I took a step forward, careful not to scare her with a rash movement. The silence was spread perfectly smooth around us as I came closer to the bed.
However, she sighed like she wanted to shove aside her fears and turned her head to the side and looked for the button to turn on the light. Was it possible she hadn't noticed me yet? The lamp on my nightstand illuminated dimly the room, outlining the existence of a rose and a piece of paper. She reached out and touched lightly the two objects. My body tensed instinctively when she picked up the note, then the rose. I waited for her reaction while she wordlessly read my words. She didn't make any move or let out any sound. If it hadn't been for the pounding in her chest that was growing faster and faster and more uneven I would have thought my words hadn't affected her at all.
"Bella," I barely whispered, unable to be quite anymore.
She jumped, dropping the note and the rose and fisting her hands in the sheets, gradually lifting her eyes to meet mine. When our eyes locked for some strange reason I smiled brightly at her. It was like all of a sudden my body warmed up, like my heart started beating, like I was whole again. She looked at me wearing a veil of confusion on her face, but the corners of her lips twitched into a small smile. I moved to her side and sat down beside her, still cautious not to do anything that could bother her. She didn't cringe away or made any gesture of discomfort. She even leaned closer to me. I tensed to the point of explosion to keep from taking her in my arms and suffocate her with my love.
"You are safe now," I told her looking deep into her brown eyes. She nodded, not taking her eyes from my face. Her features were melted with different emotions. Some were mirroring mine and some were foreign to me. I swallowed the lump that had abruptly formed in my throat and looked away from her. I had showed her the worst part of me. I'd let the monster loose and she'd watched it in action. I shuddered at the memory. I knew she was too pure to have a grudge against those filths. By now it was possible she had already forgiven them. But I hadn't. I've just given her another thing that she couldn't forgive me for. As far as she knew I had nearly killed two people. I knew better, though. The instant I stepped inside the house Alice spilled everything out.
"Why haven't you answered my calls, Edward? What were you thinking you were doing?" she hissed not even looking at Bella who was sleeping in my arms.
Carlisle and Esme looked at me understandingly and those eyes made me comprehend how much I've done wrong. Emmett rolled his eyes at Alice's hysteric tone and Jasper tried to alter her anger into a normal mood. Perhaps they understood me and Alice did too, but that didn't take away the fact that I'd been wrong. I could still see red in front of my eyes, but now, having Bella safely inside my house I could also see the damages I'd done. I hadn't only hurt human beings like I'd done in my first years of being a vampire, but I had also broken my own promise of never hurting Bella. I didn't even want to think about what could have happened if she'd gotten to close to me or if she hadn't had that immense power over me. Nonetheless, I had a lot to do to mend up this situation. I looked at my family ashamed, but not repented. If keeping Bella safe required killing them, I would do it all over again.
"They were about to hurt her, Alice," I blurted out, suddenly focusing only on her. "They wanted to rape her," I spat between clenched teeth. The anger on her face softened into understanding, but her brows were still furrowed in disapproval. Explanations were needed, but now it was not the time, so I headed to the stairs, telling her what came first in my mind. "I haven't killed them anyway," I muttered, unable to conceal the regret.
"Actually you have, son," Carlisle cut in. I turned so abruptly to them, that for the shortest moment I thought I had woken Bella up. She nuzzled my chest and continued sleeping.
"They were alive," I explained perplexed. He nodded, wearing no expression.
"They were and Alice gave an anonymous tip to the hospital, but for one of them it was too late when the ambulance arrived. He was dead. The other survived though, but he needs intensive care."
I exhaled nervously through my nose as I watched Alice's memory. The one that had died was the leader. Probably I was a worse monster than I thought. I knew him dead and I knew the other critically ill, but still I couldn't bring myself to feel sorry. Alice shook her head and looked outside through the wall of glass. In her mind I watched myself giving a response to Carlisle. Knowing that it would be too much for everyone to hear my contentment, I only whispered internally.
"Good." Then I warily ascended the stairs.
"I'll talk to you later," I said before I disappeared down the hall to my bedroom.
She cupped my cheek with her warm silky palm and caressed it with her thumb, startling me out of my reverie. How was it possible? Though I knew she should have been running terrified of me, I was grateful she kept her calm and stayed by my side. I locked my eyes on hers once more, feeling that unbearable need to take her in my arms and kiss her deeply...endlessly. I sighed instead, knowing that I had to explain myself to her first. To make clear why I had left, to apologize for everything I kept on putting her through. And finally, but most importantly to beg her forgiveness, and maybe, just maybe hope that she won't hate me so much as to not want to see me ever again. I nestled my face in her hand involuntarily, kissing it softly. She didn't recoil, but moved nearer.
"I'm sorry. Please forgive me." I whispered pitifully against her skin. She slightly curled her fingers around my face, then let her hand drop into my lap. I took her petite hand in mine and started drawing circles on her creamy skin as I struggled to find my words. She shook her head sadly, then surprised me as she always did.
"Why should I forgive you for?" she started in a low soothing voice, letting her eyes wander across my face. I was heating up under her scrutiny. "If it hadn't been for you I would have been dead by now. I should be thanking you for coming back in time to save me again. Probably Alice has seen what would happen and it is really remarkable that you found the time to check on me. But you shouldn't feel responsible for me. I will try to be more careful from now on so I won't be a bother an-"
"Bella stop," I moaned, incapable to listen to her cold words any longer. She thought she was bothering me. She thought I felt responsible for her. Suddenly the pain that had ceased to exist since I came back was now pulsing vividly through my chest. In a flashing movement I crossed the room, standing in front of the glass wall with my hands above my head, flat on the smooth surface. Bella was motionless on the bed, breathing carefully not to scare the stillness.
My mind processed her words on fast mode and still it didn't come up with any results. I needed her to clarify what she'd meant. Was the coldness in her voice due to the fact that she was still experiencing some sort of shock or because she didn't want me anymore? I pushed the last possibility away from my mind, remembering Jasper's words. She loved me still. I had to prove my love to her, not doubt hers. I returned all too soon beside her and she let out a small sight of relief.
"Bella," I repeated. "Is this really what you're thinking? That I feel responsible for you and that you are a bother to me?" She didn't answer, but looked completely confused at me. "You have no idea," I told her silently. I took her hand again in mine and lifted it to my chest to the spot my heart should have been beating. "You see, my heart hasn't been beating for so long that I can't remember how it feels, but for you it would beat again. If it were possible you would bring me back to life. You've already done it. Can't you see, Bella? Can't you see that without you I'm nothing?"
She stared at me without seeing. That much I could read on her face. Her eyes welled up with fresh tears, making me realize that my confession had begun too brusquely for her. I hadn't thought she would need an introduction and I was too eager to let her know the truth. As the tears poured down her cheeks I couldn't help myself. I pulled her in my arms and whispered her name all over again, pressing now and then cold kisses on her hair. She freed herself from my embrace minutes later and I gave her reluctantly her space.
"But you left," she murmured baffled, gazing into my eyes.
"I did," I agreed in a dead voice. "But I lied to you Bella. I lied to you so badly that I don't know if I'll ever gain your trust again." She opened her mouth to speak, but before she said another word I needed her to know everything.
"Listen to me," I begged. "I lied when I told you that I want to move on. That I don't want you anymore. I wanted you too bad Bella to accept that my simple presence represented a danger for you. Pushing my selfishness to the side I realized there were more powerful things out there than I was and my staying with you was not an option anymore, though it killed me to admit it. I was tempting hell as long as I was by your side and so I decided to go away. To give you a chance at a human life like you deserved. I thought I could make it. That I could stay away from you. It was never in my plan to look for distractions. All I could think of was you. I knew that my decision wasn't difficult only for the two of us, but for my entire family. Somewhere in my heart I knew how utterly wrong it was to leave, but I had to try. When I left you there in the woods, Bella, I left my soul behind, right in your hands. You can say I've never been gone since I couldn't be whole without you."
"At first I tried to stay with my family in Alaska, but inflicting pain on them brought even more to me. I needed an escape and I needed to be alone. I crawled from one place to the other. God knows where I've been. The only thing I managed to do while I've been away was to track Victoria down. I thought she was planning something concerning you, but resulted I was wrong so I had no reasons to lurk around my family. Alice, however, didn't comply with my wish of being alone and in one way or another she dragged me out of my cave. She brought me back to you." Though I had much more to say I took a pause allowing her to sort out my story.
"You're telling me," she sighed after a tormenting break, "that you left for me? That you still wanted me, but you left?"
"Yes," I nodded guiltily.
"And didn't you think I should have a say in your decision? Didn't you think I deserved to know these before you left?"
"You would have convinced me to stay. You would have fed my desires and selfishness and made me stay," I breathed, searching for her hand. She let me take it and dropped her gaze to our intertwined fingers.
"Of course I would have stopped you. You thought you'd give me the chance at a normal happy life, but you've never considered the hell you dawned on me. On both of us," she sobbed, shaking my chest into pieces.
"Bella, love, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I had to do this to convince myself that I would never be able to stay away from you. I'm sorry I've hurt you so bad."
"Me too," she murmured. "I'm sorry you've hurt yourself. I'm sorry you didn't come back when you felt like you couldn't resist anymore." I took in a deep breath astonished by the ease she was reading me with. Then, I remembered. She had felt exactly the same.
"Will you forgive me?" I asked her hopelessly, almost trembling in wait of her response.
"There's nothing to forgive, Edward. I just want you to promise me something," she pleaded.
"Anything," I granted sinking into her eyes.
"Promise me you'll never leave me again. Never, Edward, no matter what." I realized instantaneously what that implied, what she meant by never leaving her, but I didn't hesitate a second in promising her what she wanted.
"I promise," I told her from the bottom of my heart. Her body quivered, begging for my embrace and I tugged her to my chest, brushing my lips against the soft skin of her face. Though I was aching to touch her lips, I restrained myself. "Bella," I whispered after a while, being sure that she hadn't fallen asleep. "Remember you've promised me something too," I asked, struggling to keep the anger out of my voice. I had her safe in my arms, but I was still furious at her that she had put herself in harm's way on her own accord.
"Yes," she replied sheepishly.
"And you've broken that promise," I stated.
"Yes," she agreed with a voice like she was waiting for punishment. Being mad at her had never worked. Now it wasn't any different.
"Why, Bella? Why have you endangered yourself?" I asked tortured. She shifted in my arms so her head was up to me. She tensed, clenching her teeth and clutching my arms, then frowned deeply, looking away.
"Because I could hear you," she mumbled honestly. In that instant Alice's discovery didn't seem so glorious. It was true I had been able to stop my angel from doing horrendous stupidities, but in the same time my voice pushed her farther to her destruction.
"You've put yourself in danger because you could hear me?" I tried to understand. She nodded, still avoiding my eyes. I cupped her chin and turned her head to me. She didn't oppose. "You listened to me," I pointed out.
"For which I'm sorry now," she sighed, a smile playing at the corner of her lips. My brows furrowed in confusion, but she didn't hurry to enlighten me. "If I hadn't listened to you perhaps you would have come back sooner," she finally spoke. Grasping her point and knowing she was right I shook my head. Yes, I would have come back sooner, but to find what?
"Bella you should never put yourself in danger for me to come back. As Alice told you I've always been late in saving you and that's why I've used Sonya to send you the messages. That's why I've kept my distance for that long. Because I knew it hadn't come the time to save you in person. You've made it easier by listening to me." At one point Bella stiffened against my chest, but I stupidly missed it. I ran my hands up and down her arms in an attempt to discover that point without mentioning it, but she beat me to it.
"Sonya," she muttered. Then, everything was clear.
"Sonya," I repeated, failing to conceal the hint of satisfaction I felt at her jealousy. As soon as I saw her pained face, though, I felt guilty for even allowing such feeling as the one of satisfaction to bloom inside me when Bella was hurting. I erased all traces of it and pressed my lips to her temple. "She's just a friend," I whispered against her skin. She shivered and closed her eyes. She didn't believe me. Not yet. "Bella, look at me," I suddenly demanded, unable to deal with her not watching me. I could bet she could read the truth on my face if she paid just a little bit of attention. She opened her eyes slowly, like she was afraid to see me. I bent forward until mere inches were separating us. She breathed heavily, her eyes growing bigger and bigger. "You remember how unbelievably frustrating is for me to not hear what you're thinking? Please, tell me."
"Edward," she moaned, dropping her eyes down. I didn't want to force her. To a certain extent, I already knew what that beautiful head of hers was visualizing.
"Please," I tried again, bowing closer.
"I thought...maybe...you mentioned you needed distractions," she stuttered, still not looking at me.
"Which I've already told you was a lie." We both fell silent. I could feel how the stillness was driving her insane.
"You looked so comfortable by her side at the cafeteria. I couldn't think of anything else than..." she trailed away, not succeeding in stifling her sob.
"That we were together," I continued for her. She nodded in my chest. The pain that she was soaking into me was staggering with her force. "Sonya is an amazing person. She's what every man could dream of, but neither she nor I wanted more of our friendship. She helped me be forever close to you, but she has never replaced you. I have never thought about her that way." I stared at her beauty for a moment, watching how the pain dissolved into understanding and slowly into relief. She knitted her brows together, trying to measure my truthfulness, then plainly let her eyes skim my face.
"You're wounding my feelings," Sonya thought from downstairs jokingly.
"Sorry, Sonya," I finally murmured, knowing she could hear me, and giggled softly. Bella's mouth fell open in surprise and she raised her free hand to cover it. I kept chortling as realization crept on her face.
"She's here?" Bella asked desperately. I chuckled at her nervousness and brushed a lock of hair out of her face.
"Love, everyone is here," I informed her. "Actually Emmett is buoyant about seeing you. I'm afraid he'll break the walls if you don't make an appearance downstairs soon enough." Like it was to be expected from downstairs boomed my brother's voice
"That's right Bells. Come here." We both laughed at his spooky voice. Gradually my Bella relaxed in my arms, breathing evenly and gaining control of her usual erratic heart.
"Should we," she started doubtfully, glancing to the door, but I cut her short.
"No," I muttered gently. "Not yet." Even if I got to hold her in my arms for all eternity I wouldn't feel like I had enough. Now, after such a long time, I found it impossible to let her go or share her with the world.
I let a peaceful silence glide over us. It washed my pain and her anguish into a tormenting past of great mistakes and aching abandons. I opened my eyes to the future and saw it without feeling selfish. I could never let Bella go. I could never give her up. I needed her with me. Forever. My mind raced to a shadowy past and back again to a brilliant present. Bella was in my arms and that was all that counted.
"Do you believe what I've told you?" I whispered, making her moan out of her cat nap.
"Do I have another choice?" she asked back, giggling softly.
"I guess not," I agreed, joining her in her sweet laughter.
"It's beautiful," she cooed all of a sudden, straightening herself and bringing the rose I'd given her to her nose. "And this too," she added fingering the note.
"It's the truth," I answered simply, hoping that she would understand how much I meant those words.
"Too bad the rose will wilt away," she murmured looking at the flower with adoring eyes and pressing a soft kiss on top of it. "It's exactly like you." Her words shocked me. I had thought the same about her. I chuckled lightly and she lifted her head to meet my eyes.
"It's curious," I said. "I thought it was exactly like you." She blushed and brought the rose to her nose again taking a generous whiff.
"It's like you because in spite of having fire in its core, it is pure in its essence. The red, the fire, the anger washes into purity, into love," she explained sweetly. If possible her words made my heart tighten with pain, but also with endless love for her.
"Bella, I'm not pure," I contradicted her grieved. "You know that."
"You are," she uttered firmly, ignoring my pessimism.
"I'm not," I spoke through gritted teeth. The sole idea of letting her know what I'd just done was terrifying and repulsive, but in the same time necessary. I didn't want to have her fooled. I wanted to give her the chance to know what kind of monster I was and then to make her own decision whether or not she still wanted me. "I've killed people, Bella." She responded to my death voice with a single acceptant nod.
"I know that," she breathed eventually. "I knew it before and I didn't care." It was so like her not to condemn me. To take me with all the monstrosities I'd done. This time, though, I wasn't speaking of a far-off past, but of a barely finished job.
"I've killed again," I clarified. She needed a moment to understand, then she nodded again.
"You were protecting me," she sighed like she wanted to convince herself.
"No," I immediately countered. "I wanted them to die. I'm not repentant because one of them died." She closed her eyes and let out a heavy breath through her mouth. Was rationality filling her senses? I waited frightened about what she would tell me.
"You've made mistakes," she started gravely. "That's a fact. But your soul is still pure. There's still love in you Edward." I shook my head at her quick indulgence, but I couldn't argue with that. There still was and all of it was for her.
"I love you," was all I could manage. She blinked at me expectantly and I bent down agonizingly slow, drinking in the light from her eyes, then pressed my lips against the soft texture of hers. Heaven was not beautiful enough. If paradise was in the sky I never wanted to get there. I wanted to live in my own paradise, the one Bella had created for me. I drowned into her and she poured herself into me, tangling her trembling hands into my hair, pushing me closer to her. I moaned against her lips and pulled her back into the pillows and devoured her warmth. I could have continued on kissing her all night and all day long if it hadn't been for her need of breathing. I removed my mouth from hers, allowing her to inhale fresh air and danced down her neck to her collarbone, pressing light kisses. It felt like it should never end.
"Oh for God's sake, give the girl a break," Emmett cried. If I had been the only one hearing him I would have probably let it pass, but Bella had clearly caught his words too. She blushed, sending heat into my skin and I hissed under my breath.
"Guess I have to stop now," I complained, making her smile sympathetically. That smile told me she didn't want me to stop either. "Or I could go and fling him outside the house and we could continue," I offered. She blushed deep crimson, running her hands nervously over her face.
"No. It's okay. I missed them too," she confessed. I smiled at her, a trace of the barely lost pain, ghosting on my face. I curled my arms around her body and lifted her up in my arms in a flash second. She gasped, startled, then rolled her eyes.
"Out of practice, love?" I asked teasingly.
"Certainly," she replied just as sarcastically as I knew she would. I led us to the door, but stopped in my tracks when she tensed her muscles and lifted up to press her lips on my ear.
"I love you too," she sighed, driving me insane with pleasure. I trapped her lips between mine in a dizzy second as I walked us down the hall to the stairs. To say that I felt so whole in such a short time perhaps was a mistake. But it was only the truth.
"And here comes the groom and her bride," Emmett voiced mockingly, as we came into view, wearing, though, a happy face at seeing Bella well and awake. I put Bella down and took her hand in mine, supporting much of her weight as we descended the stairs. The first face I caught a glimpse of was Sonya's.
She was sitting as far from the others as she could, struggling to conceal her emotions from her face. Hard as she was trying she couldn't hide them from me and especially not from Jasper. Walking slowly toward the center of the room I noticed that Jasper was keeping a safe distance between them. Poor man was probably swimming in guilt as did Sonya. This woman, though I didn't bear other feelings than strong gratitude and undeniable friendship for her, was triggering in me the need to comfort her each time I saw her so miserable. To some point, I could understand what she was passing through. Though I had Bella back in my arms I could remember how terribly painful it had been without her. I didn't even want to begin to imagine how it might be, knowing that your beloved wasn't on this earth anymore. I shuddered, hoping that Bella hadn't noted my little tremor, but she raised her head up to me watching me worriedly for an instant.
I couldn't hold her tight to me for much longer as Emmett dashed to clasp her in his strong arms. Watching Bella in Em's embrace it was like watching a bear hugging a doll. I started laughing softly, unable to believe when I saw Rose doing the same. She looked at Em with that immeasurable love we all had for our loved ones and actually sympathy for Bella. I wondered where it came from. I moved toward the end of the couch that was closer to Sonya's seat and waited for Bella to join me. Knowing her as I did, I imagined she would be uncomfortable sitting so close to an unknown person that seconds ago she thought was her replacement, but it was essential for her to believe what I had told her and for Sonya to understand once and for all that she was part of the family now. That she wasn't guilty for anything that happened to us.
"You, little human, did give us a scare," Emmett chided her lightly, twirling her around.
I kept my attention on Bella, but mostly on Jasper. His thoughts didn't betray anything that should worry me and I had true confidence in him, but my system was urging me to be wary of any threat to Bella's safety. The second when Jasper lounged at her to drink her dry of her blood was still pretty vivid in my mind. He looked at me from under a frown that wasn't addressed to me. It was addressed to him. He was blaming himself right that second and I wasn't helping him at all. I tried to control my emotions to let him comprehend that the past was the past and we had to move on now, that I didn't hold him responsible for anything, but trying did not really equal succeeding. I sighed under my breath and wished he could read minds instead of me. That way he would have known I wanted him to be there as much as I wanted anyone else.
"I could leave," he thought uncertainly. "And come back later when you'll bring her back to her house?" It wasn't a statement. It was more of a question.
I shook my head in place of responding verbally, but my gesture didn't remain unseen. Alice looked at me, then at Jasper and shook her head too. She dwelled for a second whether or not she should take Jasper by the hand and lead him to Bella like you would with a child, but she dropped it instantaneously. Her vision frightened even me. Though I knew I was capable of it, I couldn't recognize how possessive I looked in her premonition. The way she saw me thundering to Jasper to step back convinced her that it wasn't a good idea and decided to greet Bella by herself.
She danced toward Emmett and Bella and freed my angel from my brother's animalistic hug, only to wrap her into a demented grasp that knocked the breath out of Bella. She started hopping around, forgetting that she should allow Bella to breathe. Esme and Carlisle chuckled at her enthusiasm, but she was acting only childish to me. However, I had to admit that I loved she was back to her usual cheery self.
"Alice," I mumbled tiredly.
"Okay, okay," she breathed, not setting Bella free. "I'm so happy we're back Bella. We have so much to tell you." Bella smiled timidly, glowing with happiness. At some point Bella looked over Alice's shoulder to find Jasper clenching his jaw and nodding faintly to her. She returned his nod, her features blended in remembrance.
"I'm happy you're back too," Bella asserted. If it had been possible I swear Alice would have cried and perhaps Esme too. She tugged Carlisle to where Alice was torturing Bella with kisses and gave her a motherly embrace, welcoming her warmly in the core of our family once more.
"I'm glad you're safe Bella," Carlisle voiced after he released her from Alice's claws and his own squeeze. "I promise you'll never be forced to experience such a terrifying moment. I'm sorry."
"No. It's my fault. I shouldn't have been there," she grimaced at the memory. I took in a deep breath and spoke as temperately as I was able to.
"Laurent would have found you even if you had stayed safely inside your bedroom, Bella." I pursed my lips, imagining without my accord that monster inside her house, crawling his way up to her bedroom, playing with her as he delivered death upon a divinely innocent creature. I wanted to build him up to life to kill him again. I motioned Bella to come and sit by my side, but she hesitated for a slight second. There was no need to be inside her mind to know that the reason of her hesitation bore the name of Sonya. I reached my hand out to her, convincing her to take those few steps that were separating her from me. She sat beside me, without glancing at anyone else, but me.
"Bella," Rose's voice interrupted the small silence that had fallen over us, making Bella tense. She loosened her posture when she noted Rose's still smiling face. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course," Bella answered immediately. Apparently, her habit of promising without thinking twice hadn't gone away.
"Can you please play some box with this thing's head," she purred sugary pointing toward me. "Or chain him to you? He's been pissing me off for more than I can take." Bella laughed leaning into me and I hissed playfully at my sister.
"I would chain myself willingly to her," I muttered, watching my Bella's face smoldering with emotions. "But I'm not sure yet if she'll take me back."
"Oh, you have to," Rose cried amused. "I don't think I'll be able to stand him a day more sulking around."
"I thought I made that clear by know," Bella whispered watching only me. She blushed as soon as she remembered, we were not alone. In that moment, I remembered something too. Everyone had greeted her beside Sonya. I sat up, startling her before she realized I wasn't planning on letting go of her hand, then turned to Sonya.
"Love," I told Bella, dragging her up to me, pulling her in front of my chest. "This is our new sister. This is Sonya."
They both looked at each other for a moment before Bella reached out her hand and shook Sonya's. Sonya was still overwhelmed by my calling her our new sister to react in any way. She felt happier than she felt in many years. She thanked me for that internally and I smiled in response to her, encouraging her to be part of our family.
"I'm glad to meet you Bella," Sonya chipped, relaxing bit by bit. "Edward has told me lots about you." Bella grinned at her wholeheartedly, then stared up at me. It would have been a moving moment if it hadn't been for a certain abnormal person.
"This is weird," Emmett boomed in laughter.
"What's not weird to you?" I demanded scowling slightly at him, then rolling my eyes.
"Do you honestly want me to answer you?" he smirked to Bella's surprise.
"No," both Alice and I yelled at him. As Alice made a disgusted face and I rolled my eyes again at him, realization dawned on Bella and the others. What could possibly be normal for Emmett? The more than graphic images in his mind made my stomach turn in disgust and my lust reached unexpected dimensions. I tried to swallow it, but it captured me, unwilling to leave too soon.
By the time Alice jumped like a lunatic from Jasper's lap, Bella was relishing into comfortable conversation with Esme and Carlisle. The responsible doctor my father was, advised her to eat properly and promised to give her some medicaments for appetite when she mentioned she had been having trouble eating lately. That concerned me a little. Well, a little more I had to admit.
"Edward," Alice shouted like I was on the other side of the continent. "You forgot to tell her something." With her hands on her hips, her foot tapping impatiently the ground and her petite figure, Alice was looking without a doubt like a girl freshly escaped from a mental institution. She fumed when she saw me telling her that and I only laughed, knowing there was no need to tell her verbally. My laughter, however, died down, when I read her thoughts. She wanted to tell Bella about my inexplicable trances, about how I felt she was in danger, about things that I wasn't prepared to share with Bella yet. Strangely I felt like it was better for her if she didn't know. She must have seen my reaction, though she hid it from me, because she changed her train of thoughts immediately.
"Seriously," I demanded, attempting to appear nonchalant. "Like what?"
"Like we're going on a cruise," she exploded, making Emmett roll with laughter. Quickly Jasper joined them too and I relaxed gradually under Bella's warmth. I chortled, stroking Bella's arm, who had turned to me bewildered.
"Yeah, love. We're going to Crazyland," I explained to her, mocking Alice. She stuck her tongue out at me, but I just smirked at her.
Bella giggled at our not so subtle exchange. I felt so happy to feel her happy. It wasn't a forced feeling. It was normal. It was pure. And it was for forever. I enfolded her with my cold arms, closer to my chest and she moaned against me. She was perfect and she was mine. In that night I didn't want to worry about Victoria, about the dangers that were lurking outside. I only wanted to savor Bella's presence.
"Since we've just left Sulkyland, probably we're going over there," Alice retorted a little annoyed, then her mind raced faster than a Porsche, in search of the perfect exotic spot. "We can go to," she finally decided, but she didn't finish her sentence. Her eyes clouded with a dark thick haze of madness and fright as she clutched Jasper's arm painfully tight. She snapped out of her trance much too late, to my infinite torment and instead of enlightening us about what had happened she chose to ignore all of us. Unlike my family, I should have known what had happened, but as shadowy dread hung over her once sparkling eyes, she successfully kept me out of her mind. I groaned, suddenly hit by an aching blow into my chest. This was my warning. This was my turn of being overwhelmed by darkness.
"We have to go," Alice chocked, tugging at Jasper's arm insanely. He felt her. He didn't oppose to her wish. My family was too stunned to react. I was too blind to come to understand why the earth was falling apart underneath me.
"Alice," I screamed as the screen of darkness was removed from my mind and they headed to the door, squeezing Bella painfully tight to my chest and raising us up. It was too late. They were gone. And everything was over.