Secrecy

Chapter Twenty – Losing One's Self

A/N: Okay! (This chapter has given me the vibes… happy vibes…) So I've been scanning through my past chapters, and I want to make some corrections… Emi is aged 15 and Zazie is aged 16. There! Sorry for saying it only now… I really did just realise that they might be too young to experience all of this, so I made them around 2 years older, hehe.

WARNING: This chapter might contain curses.

DISCLAIMER: Kleia does not own Letter Bee—only her OCs.

"How is she doing?" Mana asked from behind Zazie, a thin blanket in hand, presenting it to him. Her light and feminine voice was laced with worry, eyebrows furrowed as she frowned.

As soon as Zazie rushed Emi to Mana's office, she was barely even standing—heck, he even had to carry her on his back just so she won't cause any more harm to herself or to him. And to say that he was tired was an understatement. But he simply kept quiet. He knew Emi was going through something much worse, so he wordlessly carried her to Mana's office, holding her up as if she was a life-sized doll. She was so pale—too pale, and her eyes were already fluttering closed by the time they came in the room; she was sweating and panting, unable to utter a single syllable.

He had to admit, his heart was heavier than her weight at those moments. He even had the nerve to promise her she won't feel a thing. But here she is now, lying on the couch, red face scrunched up as sweat still trickled down her temples.

Zazie took the blanket from her hands, mumbling a small breath of gratitude. He flipped the blanket open, planting it over Emi's slumbering frame on the soft couch. "Not so well, I guess," he pointed out, tugging softly at the blanket, pulling it up her shoulders and smoothing it out. He eyed her for a moment, frowning as soon as Emi coughed in her sleep. He placed his hand over her forehead and his other one over his own, comparing the heat—she was warmer than him. Way warmer. It was starting to alarm him.

"I think she has fever…" he guessed, sighing, as he plopped down on another couch, running a hand over his face. "She's going through so much stress and exhaustion lately… of course she'll get sick."

"Well, we can't avoid it. It's her body's way of telling her it needs to rest," Mana reminded with a small smile on her face. "Don't worry, I feel that my aromas might help, even a little." She assured, causing Zazie's heart to lighten a tad.

He looked up at her. "Mana, do you, by chance, have any spare towels and a bowl?" he asked, catching Mana by surprise.

"I might have some at the back. I'll try and feel my way around to look for it. Is it for Emi?"

"Yeah… I figured she has to get well soon," he sighed, huffing as he stood up once again and walking towards Emi. He kneeled down in front of her face and frowned. Her hair was all over her sweating face, and when Zazie pushed them back, her eyebrows were narrowed, eyes shut tight, and her lips were curled into a deep frown. She sniffed. She caught the colds, too, he thought as he pulled the blanket off her petite frame.

He sat her up gently, groaning as he did so. Man, even if she looked small, she's still a bit heavy… he thought, huffing through his nose when he finally sat her up. She stirred some, causing him to withdraw his hand stiffly, afraid that he'd be accused for groping. When her head dipped down, and she coughed softly, he exhaled and slowly brought his hands to her blazer, unbuttoning the buttons and gently taking the thick blazer off her body, unwrapping the scarf before doing so.

He blinked.

The room was suddenly on fire.

He wasn't going to take advantage of her! Mana was in the room—and even if Mana wasn't in the room he would never even think about doing inappropriate things to Emi! But why did it suddenly become hot? Why on earth was he blushing just because he took off Emi's blazer while she was sleeping—oh Empress it looked as if he was going to do something bad but he was doing it so she can breathe well!

He shook his head, trying to calm his heart and the heat that is rushing continuously to his cheeks and face. He rubbed the back of his neck, sighing as he felt that it was also hot.

Zazie then folded the blazer into two, going back to Emi and staring at her for a few seconds—

"M—mo…" she muttered softly, sniffing just as well afterwards.

Zazie blinked, frozen in his spot, silently waiting for a slight movement from her. When she didn't stir after a few seconds, he slumped his shoulders, sighing softly. (That… that was kinda cute… he thought.) He was heating up and he felt like hitting himself. C'mon Zazie! What're you shying away for? Just do it now so it's done!

He glanced at her sleeping face, returning his gaze back to his clenched fists. He then nodded, straightening himself and bringing his hands to her necktie, loosening it a tad. Afterwards, he unbuttoned the first two buttons of her button-up, and instantly retrieving his hands back.

He sighed.

"Zazie, I'm back with the towels and water!" Mana called out, finding her way out of the separated room with ease. He mentally thanked the Empress she was blind, for if she wasn't, she would be the person who would shriek and accuse him of sexually assaulting Emi, even when he wasn't. And for that, he once again sighed softly through his nose in relief.

Zazie stood up, not wanting to give Mana a hard time, as he strolled towards her, her cane stopping by his shoes. "Thank you, Mana," he quietly said, taking the towels and the bowl of water before returning back to where Emi sat. ("I'll just be in the back room if you need me," Mana said.)

He took one piece of the soft cloth, soaking it in water, and wringing it dry afterwards. He then inched closer to Emi's peaceful face, and brushed the fringes and bangs away from her visage. (She was kind of pretty. She wasn't too beautiful, nor too ugly. But there was something about her face that had made his eyes glued on her, as if it were a magnet somehow. You would need to look at her for some time to realise that she possessed such beauty—what was he doing?)

The room heated up once again, and he silently grumbled in annoyance. What on earth was she doing to him? She was attracting him—making him come closer when he doesn't even want to, and making him say things he would never dare say! What powers does she possess? It was confusing him.

He shook his head. No just don't think about it then it'll go away, he told himself, as he brought his hand, which was holding the damp towel, closer to her forehead, and patted the surface wet, replacing the sweat with cool water. He moved to her red cheeks, which were also wet with sweat. (They were so soft. How could someone have soft cheeks? It was like touching a pillow.) Then to her throat, wiping away all of the perspiration.

He softly sighed as he turned to the bowl and drowned the towel in the cool water, before standing up and turning to Emi. He bent down to scoop her slightly and gently, shifting her to lie down once again. Once he made sure that her position was comfortable—she would shuffle to make herself comfy anyway—he took the towel from the water, wrung it dry, folded it into three, and planted it on her forehead, letting his hands linger there for a moment—

She sniffed.

He blinked.

Her eyes slowly fluttered open. She blinked multiple times before transferring her gaze to Zazie. She blinked.

"Mm… Zazie…?" she asked in a hoarse and uncertain voice.

Zazie swallowed a lump in his throat, immediately withdrawing his hands. "Ah—yes?" he stammered, inwardly slapping himself for sounding so stupid.

She closed her eyes. "W—Where am I…?" she questioned, before opening her eyes once again and lifting her head up a tad, glancing over her body. "… And what happened… to my clothes? My—my blazer?" She lied her head on the pillow once again and fluttered her eyes closed.

"I, um…" Zazie tugged at his collar, averting his gaze as he felt his ears becoming hotter. "I removed them… because I thought you needed, uh, some air," he explained in a hushed voice, ruffling his hair. "And you're in Mana's office."

She nodded, furrowing her eyebrows, her eyes still shut. "My head hurts," she moaned, raising her hand to touch her forehead.

By reflex, Zazie grabbed her wrist, stopping her from touching her forehead. "Don't move too much and don't touch your forehead. I placed a towel there… you should go back to sleep. Rest." he half-suggested and half-commanded, putting her hand back down to her stomach.

"Wh—What about you…?" she asked, slightly moving her head to face him, eyes still closed.

"I'll be fine," he said, "go to sleep."

She nodded, obeying. He blinked at her sleeping face which was facing him, and laid his chin atop his free arm which was resting on the edge of the couch, eyes never leaving her face. He wanted to brush away the bangs that fell over the side of her face. He noticed that she had long lashes and that her nose was slightly crooked. Her lips were always pink but were always dry…

Then, his eyes started to fall. Slowly, fluttering closed—

"… Zazie…?"

"Mm?" He kept his eyes closed.

"Thank you…"

He didn't reply. Instead, he found his hand, which was still holding her wrist that was over her stomach, sliding towards her hand. He hesitated. What if she'll think of him as a creep? Oh dear Empress that's the last thing I'd want her to think of me, he thought, slightly blushing. But why do I care about how she thinks of me…? He asked himself.

Oh to hell with it, he thought, gliding his hand to the tips of her fingers, before tenderly intertwining his fingers with hers. She didn't take her hand back. She didn't ask. She didn't budge. She let him, and it was weird yet relieving. He didn't even know why he did it. It was quite cheesy and sappy, but he found himself not caring. Because his hand fits in hers.

His body was sore and his stomach was grumbling as he woke up. He sat up from his position at the edge of the couch, groaning at the pain of his back and the popping of his joints. He blinked slowly, taking in his surroundings: Emi was in front of him, her body fully facing him—she really had a curvy body… he flushed as he averted his gaze from her waist—and snoring lightly, and the quiet room where Mana worked in.

He stood up in a snail's pace, scrunching up his face as his muscles stretched. He then stood on his toes and brought his hands in the air, stretching them, earning a few pops here and there. He moaned in satisfaction, before bending down to place his hand over Emi's forehead. She's getting kinda better… he thought, replacing the towel with a new and clean one.

"Mana?" he called out after realising that he needs to fill his stomach up.

"Yes, Zazie?" her voice responded from the back of the room, evident that she was busy doing something.

"I'm going out for a bit,"

"Okay! Stay safe!"

He thought about grabbing some food to eat. He was starving. And so was Emi. Maybe he'll buy her something as well. But maybe I should change clothes first… don't want anyone to recognise my being a Bee at this time, he thought, walking towards the door, and exiting the room—

"Ah, Letter Bee Zazie! Where are you headed off to?"

He looked up to see Aria, whose hand was apparently about to open the door leading to Mana's office. He shrugged as he stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Thought I'd go get some food for Emi and I…" he muttered.

Aria smiled a tad. "That's good. How's she feeling?"

"A bit better I think. She's asleep right now."

"Oh okay… I'll go check on her still."

He simply nodded before stepping aside, letting Aria enter the room as he strolled towards the staircase leading downstairs. He sighed. That short nap he took didn't suffice. He needed more sleep than that, but he knew he wouldn't be getting the desired forty winks any time soon. It was nearly impossible to sleep in this state.

He frowned as he closed his eyes for a moment, opening them again afterwards. He inhaled deeply, calming himself down as he felt the stress building up once again—

"Hey—hey Zazie!" a terribly familiar voice called out from the distance.

His eyes snapped towards the origin of the voice. "Connor?" he called confusedly, not sure if it really was his friend.

Connor then popped up in front of him, a small smile on his face. "S'been a while," he said, and it was apparent that he was thinking of something else other than a simple greeting. "How are things?"

Zazie frowned. "Can we talk about this someplace else?" he said, weirdly queasy about the situation. "And we shouldn't wear our uniforms for now… I don't trust anyone other than you and the others." He whispered, earning a nod from Connor.

"The usual diner?" Connor asked.

Zazie nodded. "The usual."

x—x—x

"So…" Connor started. Zazie looked at him, blinking, anticipating what he was about to say, the low light of the diner casting shadows all over his face, making him seem suspicious. They were seated across each other, shoulders hunched slightly over the edge of the table and hands clasped on the table. "I heard about what happened… Are you okay?" Connor asked, concern evident on his chubby face.

Zazie withdrew his head some. "Who told you?"

"Aria sent me a letter,"

"Ah…" he nodded slowly. "Well I'm," he sighed, "I'm actually tired." He admitted, slouching his shoulders more as he hung his head down.

"Wh—How's Emi?"

Zazie shrugged, feeling stressed and hopeless and depressed. "She got sick… She's… I don't—" he sighed once again, finding no words to express how he feels.

"Poor Emi… I could only imagine what she's going through… And she has Sylvette and Lag's issue to deal with. The ones who are close to her… hurt. She must be feeling so much guilt—she must be blaming herself for everything…" Connor dejectedly pointed out, sighing through his nose.

The words hung in the dead air for a few seconds. It was rigid—the atmosphere that surrounded them. It was as if there was an imaginary heavy weight on top of their heads. Zazie simply played with his hands, cracking his knuckles and tugging at his fingers, until he sighed once again.

"She just keeps on telling me to give her up like she's nothing. I… I don't know. I think she's slipping away," he said, crestfallen. Connor simply frowned. He continued to play with his fingers, avoiding eye contact with his friend. "I just wanna be there for her, but… dammit I don't know, Connor."

Zazie glanced at Connor after he said that, and he blinked when he saw Connor wearing a small smile. He opened his mouth to speak, but Connor beat him to it, as he said, "She changed you, you know?"

What.

"Ha?"

She changed him? He has changed? How?

He furrowed his eyebrows, baffled.

"Usually, you'd just say, 'Eh, that's her problem anyway. I don't wanna meddle with it unless I need to,' and you'd just let Lag scold you even though you won't change your mind on how you would treat this situation," Connor explained, and it took Zazie back in time. He was like that before. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "But now…" Connor continued, "now you're a bit more caring. Maybe a little sensitive. It's like… it's like she turned you into someone else."

Zazie was wordless. His mind was blank. All he could think of was how terrifying yet amazing that is—how Emi managed to change him. It was scary how she has to power to turn him into someone else completely, yet amazing in a way that she has the capability to do so—

"You like her, don't you?"

What.

His cheeks and ears and neck started to burn up because as soon as Connor said that, an image of Emi giggling and smiling at him instantly popped into his mind. He was drowning in flames. Shit. He was gonna make a fool out of himself again. Damn him. Damn Connor. Damn feelings. He looked away. He didn't want to look into Connor's stupid eyes and he would never want to see Connor's stupid teasing grin. Damn Connor.

Yet he still found himself talking. "I… I don't…" he muttered, sinking slightly into his seat.

"You're blushing,"

"I'm—I'm not!"

It was actually getting hotter but he wasn't going down without a fight.

"You do like her!"

"As if that'll happen!"

"You're just denying it!"

His blood was actually boiling.

"Why would I deny something that's true?"

"So you don't like her?"

He has had it.

"Then fine!" he slammed his hand on the table in front of him. His face was burning and he knew he looked like a tomato but he didn't care. "So what if I do? What'll you do, huh?" He countered.

Connor was strangely calm. He just sat there, arms folded confidently, and smirking just as triumphant. He simply shrugged. "Nothing. I'll do nothing," he answered. "You just admitted it."

Zazie blinked.

"Admitted what?"

"You just said you liked her,"

Empress, why?

He covered his red face with his hand.

"Shut up, Connor."

x—x—x

"Hey, hey," Connor called out, catching up with Zazie's fast cadence. They had finished their supper—with Zazie bringing a paper bag with some food for Emi—and they now started to trudge towards the Hive. "So, tell me about it."

Zazie glanced at him from the corners of his eyes, frowning. "Tell you about what?"

"Why d'you like her? And how and when?"

His face instantly became hot. "You sound like Sylvette," he pointed out, darting his eyes to the opposite direction, finding the streetlights amusing. His mind went back to the time when he had the nerve to go to Sylvette's place and apologise to Emi. But what did he apologise for again? He furrowed his eyebrows, trying his hardest to remember. Ah, something inside of him clicked, it was about that damn play. Hiro and I fought over our positions as the lead character… he thought. Back then, I had no idea why I was so pissed when Hiro tried to get my role. But now, I think I do…

He likes her, and it was disbelieving. He couldn't accept it. Maybe not now, but soon enough maybe he'll learn to fully embrace that fact.

He sighed. He then remembered that Connor was beside him anticipating his answer. So when he looked at his best friend, and saw that little hopeful look on his face, Zazie frowned deeper, his ears growing warmer and warmer. He looked away again, and shrugged. "I… I don't know," he started, gathering up his thoughts and the words he was about to say. "I don't really know much about her. Her favourite colour, food, animal, hobby, her history, why she's the way she is… nothing. She's always so silent and distant from everybody. She never showed a hint of emotion, until the other day when I first saw her laugh. She was always so blunt and it's really as if she was okay with being alone. She's a hard nut to crack."

He looked at Connor. "But I just like her," he shifted his gaze to his surroundings. "Maybe it's because she was one of the few people who has ever thanked me genuinely and told me that I was 'nice.' She was the one who listened to me when I had a nightmare. Her silence was always soothing in a weird way. Being around her relaxes me somehow. When I'm around her… I hardly ever feel any anger or sadness."

He covered his face. "I feel weird… just don't talk about this to anybody else," He peeked from his fingers and glared at Connor, unable to concentrate too much due to his hot face. "Or you're dead meat."

Connor just grinned.

"Why the hell are you grinning now?" Zazie groaned, completely turning his head away from Connor. His pride was literally down the drain. He wasn't one to openly admit his feelings—especially towards a girl, for Empress' sake!

"I think it's your first time to like a girl this much,"

"What do you m—"

"Don't play dumb Zazie. I can see how you care about her—through actions or words. I know it. How you can calm her down and how you assure her that you're there for her," Connor straightforwardly pointed out. "You're the only one who cares about her the most. Well, I care about her, but… you care about her more than I do—more than all of us do."

Zazie blinked, traveling his gaze down to the ground, silently watching his feet walking towards their destination. He sighed lowly. "I guess I do care about her…" he muttered, frowning.

A beat of silence.

He looked at Connor, a shattering feeling at the pit of his stomach. "What'll happen to me if I do lose her?"

He cares about her too much. He protects her too much. He likes her too much. And if he loses her, what happens to him? He just can't imagine it. Her—gone. And his state if she'll be gone. Just thinking about it makes his heart pang and break bit by bit. What if it really happened?

He gasped sharply and lightly.

He wouldn't be able to take it.

He wouldn't b—

"I guess you'll lose yourself too."