Consequences Chapter 20
Kathryn and her mother left for Hawaii the next day. Risa would have been better, farther away from any of the Voyager crew, and Chakotay especially, but Starfleet was still requesting she remain planet side, and besides, Gretchen was still working. She beamed back and forth from Indiana to their resort. Sometimes Phoebe, her husband Nathan, and Eddie joined her when Gretchen was at the university, other times Kathryn enjoyed the solitude. Chakotay sent her desperate messages pleading for forgiveness every few days. Kathryn didn't respond to any of them, but she thought about him a great deal, about the inexplicable behaviors Harry Kim had described, and she finally contacted Admiral Paris to request that he order psychological and medical evaluations for him. She agonized before making the request because it implied she didn't believe he was fit for duty, but the truth was that she was deeply concerned about him, despite the anger and hurt he had caused her. The desperate messages stopped coming very soon after her request and Admiral Paris informed her that Chakotay was now on leave while he underwent the counseling he should have received throughout the debriefings, which included treatment for his previously undiagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder.
"I don't understand. I thought he was receiving counseling like everyone else. Why wasn't this caught earlier?"
Admiral Paris sighed heavily. "He went to two sessions, but he seemed to be coping so well, at least at first. To be honest, we needed him there working, not in counseling sessions. You, the second officer, the chief engineer, and the pilot were all out of commission. He was all we had."
Kathryn glared at him. "I know duty sometimes requires disregarding the well-being of an officer, but Voyager's homecoming wasn't that type of priority. We weren't in a battle situation."
Admiral Paris' voice turned chilly. "We didn't know that at the time, Captain. For all we knew, the Collective would be retaliating after you destroyed their transwarp hub, or Species 8472 might have followed you home, or any number of other unforeseen consequences might have happened. Captain Chakotay was aware of the importance of the debriefings and he did his duty."
Kathryn went out to the beach after that conversation, but the pounding of the waves and the heat of the sun on her skin couldn't wipe the distaste from her mind. Where was the compassion for a fellow officer? Did all admirals lose it when they gained the new rank bars and is this who they were expecting she would become as soon as she was able to be promoted? She sat up, seeing her mother walking out to join her.
"Hello, sweetheart." Gretchen kissed her cheek and sat down with a sigh on the recliner next to Kathryn's towel. "How was your day? You looked deep in thought."
"I was. I talked to Admiral Paris today. Chakotay—well, I can't breach confidentiality, but I'm appalled at the lack of consideration he's been given. He's only just now getting the help he needs."
Gretchen considered this, her eyes narrowing the way they did every time Chakotay's name was mentioned.
"Is it post-traumatic stress disorder?" she finally asked. She nodded knowingly at Kathryn's startled reaction. "I thought so, but I didn't say anything because I assumed he was being treated for it. Starfleet has been so proactive about your care that I assumed they were doing the same for him. Well, you know what they say about people who assume things."
"How did you know?"
"Your father had PTSD, too. It was when you were a little girl, before Phoebe was born. There was a mission that went terribly wrong and he was sent home to recuperate. It almost destroyed our marriage."
"Mom, I never knew."
"No, Edward never wanted anyone to know about it. He was ashamed of it at first. He was used to always being the strong and dependable one and he didn't want anyone, especially me, to see him weak and hurt. I actually threw him out of the house at one point. You didn't need to be exposed to his anger and self-hate. But we worked through it and it made us stronger in the end. I never did find out what happened on that mission, though. Classified."
Kathryn scooted close to her mother and leaned against her leg.
"You've always been the strongest one of all. Daddy used to say that all the time." She inched even closer and laid her head in her mother's lap. "Mom, I think I love him. I think I've always loved him. Those letters I wrote to you—when I told you about him in them—I think I was trying to tell you there. It was the only place where I could admit it."
"That was the impression I got." Gently, she stroked Kathryn's hair.
"I must have missed you so much while I was in the Delta Quadrant, Mommy."After a moment, she continued. "Love's not enough, though, not always. I don't see how we can go on from here, not unless I get my memories back. I see that now, I see why he hasn't been willing to allow us to become closer. There's just too much I don't know and we're both hurt."
"Whatever your relationship ends up becoming, you should be open with each other, lay everything out on the table."
"You're right. Honesty. I've been as honest with him as I could be, but he hasn't. He's constrained by what he thinks I will be like when I get my memories back. But that needs to end. I need his honesty."
She went to see Chakotay at his quarters a week later. The meeting had been arranged through text messages and she was nervous seeing him again, but Chakotay was very composed, which helped put her at ease. In fact, he looked healthy, the healthiest she had ever seen him. The dark circles were gone and his complexion was a healthy color. He stood straight without any slump to his shoulders and he looked her straight in the eyes when they talked, although he made no secret of the fact that he was examining her from head to toe.
"Has the Doctor seen that sunburn yet?" he asked with a cautious smile as he led her into the living room.
"Yes, and he lectured me. So have my mom, my sister, my brother-in-law, and my three year-old nephew. I don't care one bit that I got burned, that's what dermal regenerators are for anyway. I needed to lie in the sun all day long and soak it up."
"It sounds like you were making up for lost time. Your mind doesn't remember being stuck on a ship for seven years, but your body does. Where did you go?"
"Hawaii. I love the beach, it's always been very soothing for me."
They stared at each other awkwardly for a moment and both spoke at the same time. "We need to talk."
"Let me go first, please," Chakotay said and Kathryn nodded. He paused for a moment, as if gathering his thoughts. "First, I want to thank you for ordering those evaluations for me. I needed help desperately and I'm getting it now. I'm seeing a doctor and a counselor. They're working together and they've come up with a good plan for me. I'm learning a lot about myself and why I've been acting the way I've been acting, which brings me to my next point. I want to apologize yet again for how I've behaved with you and especially for the way I talked to you the last time we saw each other. Those were things I needed to say, but they should have waited until your memory was restored. They aren't things you, in your current condition, can answer for or maybe even understand, and I shouldn't have said them to you yet and certainly not in anger."
"I'm glad you're not upset about the evaluations. I was worried you would assume I thought you weren't fit for duty, but I was very concerned about you. I can already tell it's made a difference. You just look so much healthier now."
"Yes, and I feel much better, too, but Kathryn, do you forgive me? I need to know whether I've damaged our friendship irreparably."
"I don't know if I can answer that, Chakotay. You hurt me every time you push me away. You've been a lifeline for me. Maybe you don't realize just how lost I feel sometimes, but I do and you were always there for me, but then you started pushing me away. If that's what you need to do for your own sake, then tell me now. Just be honest and tell me you can't be around me. I will understand and respect that, but I can't abide having you push me away and I won't, not anymore. Just be honest with me and don't hold anything back from me. I know you've been holding back and you need to stop. You also need to stop obsessing over what will happen once I regain my memories. You must think you're being kind when you do that, but you're only hurting me."
Chakotay closed his eyes for a moment. "Okay, I'll be honest, no more holding back. I don't want to push you away anymore. I never meant to hurt you, that was the farthest thing from my mind. The crux of everything is that I love you, I've loved you for so long and it scares the hell out of me to tell you. You didn't want to hear me say that on Voyager and so I didn't. Now I've made myself vulnerable by telling you because you probably still won't want to hear it when you are yourself again ."
"What do you think I'll do the minute I remember everything, laugh at you for loving me or taunt you for it? Do you think of me as such a cruel woman? That's not a rhetorical question, I really want to know."
"No, no, of course not."
"That's a relief. I should be honest with you, since I'm insisting on it from you. I think I'm falling in love with you and I'm pretty sure I was in love with you on Voyager, but I understand if that's something you're not ready to explore. Can we please just be friends again? Can we just spend time together again? And if something more develops between us, can we just be adults and let it happen naturally without anymore pushing away?"
"Yes, I would love that, Kathryn. I've missed you so much." His eyes were shining and Kathryn smiled, feeling peaceful at last.
"All right, then I forgive you. We're friends again."
"Good, and as your friend, I have to say that I don't approve of you lying in the sun without using your sunscreen hypospray. You're as red as a lobster and you're peeling all over the place. Now, tell me. Has the Doctor made any progress yet? I overheard a rumor the other day when I was at Medical, but he wouldn't tell me because of doctor/patient confidentiality."
"Possibly. Seven has finally been allowed to help the Doctor with his research. She thinks nanoprobes used in conjunction with the biotemporal field will realign my engrams. It could be dangerous, though, especially with the way I reacted with the last procedure, so they are taking their time researching the possible side effects. Please don't tell anyone about it. I don't want my family to know yet."
"I won't, you can trust me, but that is good news!"
"Don't get your hopes up, I'm not. Listen, I'm going to be moving into my quarters here on Saturday. Would you like to come and help?"
"Sure. We'll be neighbors again! Does this mean you're going back on duty?"
"Absolutely. It's been very nice to spend so much time with my family, but I'm itching to get back to work. I didn't need such a long leave, I had a week off just before joining Voyager."
"Kathryn, that was seven years ago. You've worked almost non-stop for the past seven years."
"But does it really count if I can't remember any of that stress?"
"I would say it does. It's like I told you earlier, your body remembers, even if you don't. I can see the good the time off has done you."
When it was time to leave, Chakotay followed Kathryn to the door and at the last moment, pulled her into a brief, tentative hug.
Moving day turned into a big party. Kathryn's family and her entire senior staff, except for Tuvok, were all there to help her move into the section of officer's quarters which had been set aside for the former Voyager crew and which Tom Paris had aptly named Voyager Village. She and Gretchen had already done much of the work of making her quarters liveable, but Phoebe's artistic sense was offended by the way they had arranged the furniture and artwork. She barked orders to anyone who would listen while she stood back and examined the effects of their furniture rearrangement. Tom Paris took to saluting her and shouting, "Yes, Ma'am!" to much general amusement. Chakotay worked quietly, but he still appeared well and he smiled at Kathryn whenever he caught her eye. As far as she knew, no one else had been told of his PTSD, not even B'Elanna. From the short conversations she heard, they seemed to think he had finally decided to take some time off.
Eventually, they settled down to eat sandwiches, fruit, and cookies brought by Mark and Karla, who had also come to help. Jenny, their little daughter, ran through the rooms with Eddie, both giggling wildly and Kathryn watched them, probing her emotions about her former fiance's child playing with her nephew. It didn't hurt at all, she realized, and she was glad Mark was here with his wife and daughter, just another part of the circle of family and friends she was forming around her. Braxton had intended to steal away everyone and everything she held dear, but in the end, he had failed.
Phoebe discovered the box of Kathryn's unknown Voyager belongings and a fascinating conversation about their origins ensued. B'Elanna told her about the man named Caylem who had rescued Kathryn and given her a lovely necklace. Tom identified the petrified remnants of a leola root which Kathryn had assumed was a rock of some sort. After a long meandering discussion about Talaxian cuisine, Seven explained that the spent plasma relays came from the power distribution plant on Quarra where the crew had worked after being kidnapped and having their memories altered to forget all about Voyager. The entire incident had to be explained for the benefit of her family and the Johnsons.
"You must have loved working at that power plant if you kept this old junk," Phoebe commented, tossing a relay up and down in her hand.
"The captain was more concerned with fraternizing than she was with her work." Seven's tone left no doubt what she thought of Kathryn's behavior. Phoebe looked up eagerly, wanting to know more.
"Fraternizing, really? My perfect sister? Just who was she fraternizing with?"
"Employee 1326."
"His name was Jaffen." Chakotay said. "He was very special to you. You probably kept those relays to remember him by. He helped us get you and the crew back. I can tell you more another time, if you'd like."
Kathryn tilted her head in acknowledgment and picked up one of the relays, wondering what Jaffen had looked like.
After a moment's silence, Mark commented, "In a way, those of you who had your memories altered know what Kathryn is going through right now, then."
There was a pause as Kathryn's senior staff stared at each other and then at her.
B'Elanna responded, sounding a little stunned. "I guess you're right about that. I can't believe I never made the connection before. It was one of the most confusing and terrifying times of my life. I can't even describe it. Oh, Captain, if this is how you've felt..."
Kathryn blinked hard, desperate to maintain her composure in front of everyone. Chakotay quickly took the attention from her by asking who was planning to go talk to Neelix next and she shot him a look of gratitude during the ensuing conversation. He lingered when everyone else began leaving, tidying up the remnants of the impromptu meal while Kathryn said goodbye to her family. She placed her hands on her hips and surveyed the changes to her living room.
"Do you mind helping me put everything back the way it was? I don't know what in the world Phoebe was thinking."
"Are you kidding me? If you didn't like what she was doing, why didn't you stop her?"
"Did you see the way she was acting? She's impossible right now. I can't wait until the baby comes, only two more weeks now."
They worked together to rearrange the furnishings and paintings. Catching sight of the plasma relays lying on top of the bookshelf, Kathryn asked Chakotay to tell her about Jaffen. He frowned, but spoke without any hesitation.
"Now that I've met Mark, I think Jaffen reminded you of him. They have similar personalities and they even look alike from a distance if you squint."
"Really? Huh. That's very interesting. Well, go on."
Together, they picked up a shelf and moved it while Chakotay continued talking.
"You were in love with each other. You moved in with him the same night I went to rescue you. I didn't spend much time with him, but he seemed to be a very nice man."
Kathryn plopped herself down on the floor and leaned against the wall.
"I moved in with him? But we were only there a month!"
"Three weeks."
"I can't believe I would move in with someone I only knew for three weeks."
"You really cared for him. I saw you two together and I could tell. But it didn't matter in the end. Once you had your memories back, you said goodbye to him and resumed being the captain of Voyager without a second thought."
Kathryn watched Chakotay carry her boxes of books from the corner to the bookshelf. She saw how his hands were clenching the box.
"The situations aren't the same, Chakotay. On Quarra, my memories were completely altered. That's not the case with me now."
"You're right." There was a hint of doubt in Chakotay's voice.
Kathryn knelt and opened a box of books. She began sorting the books and placing the poetry on the top shelf.
"I wish I knew what happened to my Inferno," she murmured after a moment.
"Actually, I have it. You loaned it to me and I never had a chance to return it."
"Well, there's one mystery solved."
"I can go get it for you right now, if you'd like."
"No, another time. Tell me how you are."
He knelt down next to her and began removing books as well. She didn't even have to tell him how she liked having her books organized. He already knew.
"We traded books back and forth all the time. Believe me, I know how they should be placed. My treatment is going well. I've been taking the time to go on vision quests everyday." Chakotay sighed. "It's a very good thing we got home when we did. They tell me I was headed for a nervous breakdown. I wouldn't have been much of a first officer for you then and with Tuvok sick, what the hell would you have done? What did you do? Sometimes I wonder about what happened in that timeline the admiral changed."
"I suppose it'll always be a mystery."
Kathryn's logs contained nothing of what her future counterpart had told her of the future that awaited her if she didn't use the transwarp hub to get home. Chakotay suddenly yawned hugely and Kathryn laughed.
"You'd better get to bed. I appreciate all of your help."
She walked him to the door and gave him a big hug. Chakotay returned the hug and finally left with a smile on his face. Kathryn went back on duty later that week. Her new assignment was engrossing and just what she needed. She immediately began putting a task force together to develop a slipstream drive along with several other smaller groups to investigate specific Federation needs. She took up her work-outs once more, going on early morning runs and working out in the gym. She went to her weekly memory checks at Starfleet Medical and talked to her mother and sister often, going to Indiana for two days when Phoebe's little girl finally made her appearance. Throughout it all, Chakotay was often there. Some days, he went off by himself, craving solitude, but most times he was part of Kathryn's life. He met her for coffee and they sat for hours talking about their days. Other times, they walked through the city together and stopped to eat at whichever restaurant caught their eye. Their interactions were easy and free and it was delightfully easy to talk about anything at all.
Kathryn's forty-third birthday arrived suddenly and Gretchen organized a birthday dinner at a San Francisco restaurant which her senior staff, family, and the Johnsons attended. Chakotay arrived late and a little breathless. He only winked at her when she asked what had kept him and he insisted on accompanying her home after the dinner was over.
"Close your eyes and don't peek," he instructed, when they arrived at her door. For good measure, he placed his hands over her eyes and she tried to ignore the goosebumps breaking out on her arms at his touch. He guided her through the door.
"Okay, now you can look."
She opened her eyes and stared at the neat little upright piano standing next to her bookshelf. Chakotay was watching her reaction closely and she gasped, covering her mouth.
"A piano? You got me a piano? How did you know? I've never told anyone."
"You told me it was one of your regrets, how you wished you'd listened to your mother and had made the time to learn to play a musical instrument. I promised myself right then that when we got home, I would get you a piano and make sure you had the time to learn to play it. I've got a list of piano teachers in the -"
His words were cut off when she hurtled herself against him and hugged him tightly. He smelled so good and she enjoyed the feel of his arms around her. It was the most natural thing in the world to get up on her toes and kiss him. Chakotay froze, but after a moment's hesitation, he didn't pull away. Instead, he held her close and returned the kiss.
-TBC