Thanks so much for the compliment on my writing. You are very tolerant I'm grateful for that. I just hope one day I could practise some english in the US or UK.. lol xx...
let me know what you think about this chapter and of course any suggestion is welcome.
"I was thirteen" Amanda began.
Olivia would just listen. She wouldn't look at her. She would not interrupt, not even for encouraging or comforting. Amanda was closed in her bubble, if she came back on earth, she'd stop talking. It was so obvious anyone could notice how she was protecting herself from the outside world.
"It had been about two weeks since Anthony came to live with us. I don't know, I never liked him.. he was.. a weirdo.. My.. mum was in a bad time of her depression.. I guess he wasn't ready for that when he met her.. One day she was fine, the next one she stayed in bed crying. You could see in his eyes he was.. frustrated… I was.. the one who took care of the house. My sister was.. she was like she's always been.. carefree." Amanda replaced the context. It was the first time she was really telling a story not only by mentioning the facts but also allowing Liv to imagine what it was like to be her. It was the first time she seemed emotionally involved while speaking. Her voice was low. Although Olivia didn't turned around she could feel some words were hard to pronounce and others, like remembering Kim as a child made her smile a little.
"Kim was in her room, undressing herself.. Of course.. she didn't bother closing the door. And I saw the guy.. he just kept looking at her. His breath was loud.. He was so focused on her he didn't even notice I saw him" Amanda sat on the floor, leaning her back to the bed and keeping her legs close to her chest. Olivia knew what would come next would not be easy to hear, but she was prepared to be there for the southern girl.
"As soon as.. Kim went in the bathroom to take her shower he got up to follow her. I don't know what crossed my mind. I just ran to grab his hand and pulled him on the kitchen. At first he resisted but as soon as he looked at me, I didn't have to use strength anymore. He just followed me" Amanda wasn't feeling good but if she took a pause now she'd never end it. She had to tell this story. If Olivia was ready to listen than she just should go on. She ignored the feeling of being hit in the stomach from so much it hurt to carry on.
"I smiled at him." She admitted as it was the biggest mistake of her life. "He.. he smiled back.. I knew this wasn't good. Behind me there was only a wall, I couldn't get away.. I'm not even sure I would.. He.. grabbed my hair. I did what he wanted. He put it on my mouth" Amanda was silently crying, drying her lips in disgusts like if she could still feel him. "It was quick." Amanda coughed, to take off the taste in her mouth.
"During the supper, I couldn't eat. I felt like I could never put something on my mouth again. When we finished, I went in the garage.. I took my father's gun.. and I chased him out, swearing I'd kill him if he came back" Olivia took note on how quiet Amanda was. In her voice there was no anger, like if she didn't realise how traumatising it was to hold a gun for a child.
"My mum hated me for ruining her relationship with him. She thought I was defending my father's honour. Anyway.. a few weeks after she had a new boyfriend and she forgave me"
Amanda didn't talk for a while, staring the emptiness. Olivia didn't know if she had to say something or wait for a sign first. She decided to be patient for a bit until the blonde slowly turned around.
"For a while I couldn't eat.. then I got over it" This last sentence was pronounced as an apologise for not being able to ingest food for now. She stared at Liv and repeated. "Don't worry".
Liv nodded, not wanting to talk about food for now. Or maybe not wanting to talk at all. Amanda didn't look like she could bear talking about her past anymore. She closed herself again.
"You ok?" Olivia simply whispered to make contact with the blonde. Amanda shook her head. "It's spinning" she added, her head leant on her hands. Olivia slowly came closer to the blonde. "Take a deep breath" she soothed. It wasn't what she said, it was the reassuring and caring way she spoke that transformed these simple words in a wave of comfort.
"I don't know why Anthony came to my mind the other day. I never dreamt about him, I never think about it" Amanda admitted asking Liv for her point of view.
"You never talked about it?" Olivia asked with no judgement. Amanda shook her head. "It's the first time I mention him. I just kept going on with my life, went to school, and so on and so on" Amanda gave Liv a sad smile.
"You don't have to smile to make me happy, sweetheart" Olivia took Amanda's hand. "You don't have to" She added.
An awkward silence filled the room. Amanda didn't know what to say anymore, so Olivia tried to reassure the blonde. "Now it doesn't seem right to you that while you have to deal with the present, the past suddenly come haunting you.. but at the end.. you'll understand this had to come out. At the end, you'll finally heal"
Amanda wished she could believe her. "Will I?" In her eyes there was still too much room for doubt.
Olivia gave her one of her cheerful smile "You already began" She stated with no hesitation. The simple fact Amanda shared this story, proved she was truthfully opening up to Liv. "Come on… you can't stay on the floor"
Once Amanda was settled in bed she was still wondering what did Liv think about it. To say the truth, she was waiting for the typical: it wasn't your fault speech but Liv didn't pronounce it.
"Liv?" Amanda asked before the brunette left the room.
"I was just bringing you some water.. do not worry, I'm here"
When Olivia came back Amanda was sat on the bed again, the bedside lamp turned on.
"Tell me" Olivia asked, noticing Amanda's questioning look
"Well.. you.. you didn't tell me what you.. what you think" Amanda managed to declare
Olivia nodded. "I figured you wouldn't want me to comment"
Amanda seemed embarrassed. She stared the door, biting her lip. "I … I don't know.. forget"
Olivia didn't let her torture herself anymore. "hey hey.. It's ok" the brunette took place next to Amanda "To say the truth it's hard for me not to comment. Because I can't help the feeling inside of me… this need to let you know by all means that what happened wasn't your fault."
Amanda rolled her eyes
"I know you'll probably hating me for saying that. But really… Manda… what you did… was just…. Putting your sister first….. protecting her…. You were thirteen for god's sake. I can't help but asking myself how can a mother not notice… How?"
"Don't judge her." Amanda cut the brunette drily. "She was sick. She still is. Depression is not an easy stuff"
"I'm not judging" Olivia assured. "Trust me I'm no one to judge your mother. I'm just saying…" Olivia wouldn't find a better way to say it. For how much resentful she could be, she perfectly understood the situation. "You know, I didn't have much friends at school.. I was kind of.. lonely… I didn't want someone to find out about my family life. Really Manda…. I'm not judging" Olivia assured staring Amanda's blue eyes to let her know she meant it.
Amanda nodded. "It's ok"
Olivia placed the cover again on Amanda. "I'm just saying…. You've been… very strong all your life… you still are…. I just want you to know… I'm here" Olivia protectively declared. "I'm here and I thank you for the trust you're putting in me. I won't let you down…"
Amanda seemed satisfied, or maybe not. But she wouldn't think about it now. If she planned to get some sleep, she should focus on letting the past behind.
"Just give me a minute… I'll stay with you.. if you'd like"
Amanda shook her shoulders. But in her eyes Olivia could see she was asking for her presence. In her eyes Olivia could see how frighten she was about having another nightmare.
Olivia left the room for a while. As soon as she was alone, she let out a sad sigh. This wasn't fair. Amanda didn't even realise how brave she'd been all her life. She only saw her own mistakes. This had to change. This would change. Olivia nodded to herself.