Happy one year anniversary! I'm celebrating by adding another bonus at the end...I hope there are presents!

Disclaimer: If I owned FMA, we'd have a sequel to Conqueror of Shamballa about alchemists in World War II, because that just sounds awesome.

241. I will not offer Gluttony liposuction.

The instant Gluttony's obesity issue vanished and he underwent plastic surgery, a new plague swept across Amestris that horrified many a character...Gluttony fan girls.

242. I will nor refer to Father and his Homunculi as Ho White and The Seven Deadly Dwarves.

"SOOOOOMEDAAAAAAAY MY PRINCE WILL COME!" Father was singing off-key as he frolicked around his lair, twirling the pretty yellow dress he had transmuted earlier.

From where they were positioned, all the human sacrifices save Mustang turned to gawk at Hohenheim. "Isn't he based off you to an extent?" Al questioned, concern in his tone.

Hohenheim swiftly shook his head in denial. "I have no idea what you're referring to!"

243. Van Hohenheim is not a Time Lord.

"Hohenheim?!" Ed exclaimed. The Elric brothers, Hawkeye, and the Doctor, along with new companion Mustang, had warped back several hundred years to check out the invention of ramen noodles. However...

Hohenheim sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck as the redhaired girl in a miniskirt and the guy in Roman attire gave the strangers quizzical glances. "Ed, I can explain all - "

WHACK! Ed's automail fist collided with Hohenheim's jaw. "I COULD'VE TIME TRAVELED SOONER WITH YOU, YOU JERK!"

244. - Nor is he one of the Four Seraphim of the organization Cruxis.

"Why do you have Tinkerbell wings glued to your back, Dad?" Little Ed asked one day, pointing to the brilliantly glowing blue wings on Hohenheim's back.

Hohenheim cringed. "It's nothing, go back to bed!" Well, his dress-up routine was better than the Dwarf in the Flask's princess attire, at least...

245. - Or another relative of the Cullens. Seriously, people.

"You're pale white, ice cold, and you sparkle..." Winry trailed off, a stoic expression adorning her face as she faced Ed. "I know what you are."

"Say it," Ed ordered. "Out loud."

Winry barely managed to blurt out, "Vanilla ice cream!" before she broke down in giggles.

246. I will not start a suicide hot line for people who have been molested by fan girls.

"Good evening, the Suicidal Bishie Hot Line is here to aid you! This is Maes, how can I help out?"

"Wait a second...Maes, what are you doing on this line!"

"Roy?! Better yet, why are you calling?"

"I was out on this mission with Hawkeye. We were undercover at the beach, and then these girls...Oh kill me now, Maes, these girls..."

"Calm down, Roy! Now, if you suspect that you're in a bad fanfic, press one."

"What?! What are you talking about?"

"If you believe you are trapped in some crappy doujinshi, press two."

"Maes, I have a gun to my head again, why are you - "

"If you have strange girls currently swarming your kitchen, please hang up and try contacting, say, a State Alchemist or something."

"THAT'S IT, MAES, GOODBYE!"

A few minutes later, on another phone line...

"Hey, this is Ed. Who is this?"

"FULLMETAL, THERE ARE WEIRD GIRLS IN MY KITCHEN AGAIN!"

247. - Nor will I start a rehab center for fan girls who've been rejected by the objects of their affection.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Hawkeye inquired to her psychologically scarred alchemist comrades as they signed the paperwork for the fan girls, in order to submit them to the mental institution.

"Yes, of course!" Mustang snapped.

"Why wouldn't it be?" Ed shakily queried, his whole body quivering as he recalled the molestation that had occurred before him and Mustang could fully subdue the girls...and boys.

"Haven't you played Arkham Asylum?" she responded. Ed and Mustang shut their traps, Ed because he was imagining the fan girls taking over the asylum and the city, and Mustang because he couldn't imagine Hawkeye ever playing video games.

248. I will not spread rumors that Riza Hawkeye is on anti-depressants to the incredibly gullible new recruits.

People assumed then that depression meant angst and that therefore Hawkeye was some stoic, tortured soul. This single trait, for some reason, catapulted her to number one on the Fullmetal Alchemist character popularity polls, because people just love stock characters.

249. The Fullmetal Alchemist does not require a booster seat.

"Does this make me a little kid again?!" Ed screamed furiously, messing with the booster seat's straps as Mustang focused on the road.

Patience finally snapping, Mustang barked back, "OF COURSE IT DOES!"

Ed huffed, but then he slowly came to realize all the fun things he could do as a little kid...

"Are we there yet?" he asked, his eyes alight with a dangerous glow.

Mustang, refusing to turn around, growled, "No."

"Are we there yet?" he repeated.

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No!"

"Are we there yet?"

"NO, NO WE'RE NOT, FULLMETAL!"

Silence fell. Then... "Can we stop at McDonald's?"

Gritting his teeth but deciding to (hopefully) appease the brat, Mustang pulled the car aside and entered the drive-thru. "What do you want?"

"A Happy Meal! With the boy's toy. Seriously, I don't think even girls like the girl's toy..."

The man ordered the food and pulled up... "Oh, your son is so cute!" the cashier yelled.

Mustang cried out in defeat and fled the car. "I am never appearing in this story again!"

Ed took one final glance at the man's retreating back, shrugged, then jumped up front to take the wheel, eating Mustang's cheeseburger and cackling. "Hehe, that was totally pointless..."

250. I will not lock Edward Elric and Roy Mustang in a closet and take bets on what will happen.

No fighting, no making out, no intense spooning...everyone ended up losing money to Al, who had been the only person to bet that the two state alchemists would just break themselves out and beat the crap out of Havoc and Breda.

251. - Nor will I lock Edward Elric and Envy in a closet and take bets on what will happen.

No one lost this one - the two really did just beat the crap out of each other.

252. I will not use the vat of boiling molten metal used to kill the first Greed as a hot tub.

The only one who had been able to even dip a toe in the metal for a temperature test was Alphonse, and so the cast of Fullmetal Alchemist never got to have one of those obligatory hot spring/beach episodes.

Behind the scenes...

Cheer was all around as everyone in the crowded room sipped from glasses of champagne or sparkling grape juice, munched on cheese balls and crackers, and played all sorts of game, up to but not including Wii Tennis, I Never, and Pin the Tail on the Homunculus.

However, it was the game of I Never that was the focus of the most hilarity, so let's zoom in on that...

Ed, Mustang, Ling, Izumi, Scar, Hohenheim, and Armstrong were all grouped around, with Hawkeye standing nearby as the designated bouncer of sorts. One couldn't be too sure where the game would be going, but it was guaranteed to be either super humorous or super moronic...or both.

"I've never lost a limb!" Mustang said with a smirk. Ed and Scar glowered at the colonel but each took a shot, Hohenheim shooting his son a disproving look.

"Don' give me that look, old man," Ed slurred out, four shots into the game. "'S'not like you're Mister Sober, y'know."

"I've never lost more than one limb," Ling said, deciding to play the game wisely and take out each opponent one by one. Ed flipped him the bird but downed another glass.

"I've...never watched My Little Pony," Izumi declared. To everyone's astonishment, Scar and Armstrong both downed a glass each.

"I am not ashamed of my pony comrades!" the Major voiced, but Scar hid his face him shame as Ed pointed and laughed rather dramatically.

"Well, I've never been inside a stomach!" Scar muttered. The others all desperately hoped he wasn't an angry drunk, since everyone wanted to wake up with their craniums intact, thank you very much. Ed and Ling clinked their glasses together as they took It like the men they weren't.

This kept going as they seemed to remember all the silly things they had done.

"I've never had my clothes transmuted into a tiny miniskirt!"

"I've never been believed to be a homosexual vampire!"

"I've never been...a Caterpie, yeah!"

From her corner, Hawkeye could only smirk as the table's occupants passed out one by one. Leaning aside, she turned and asked someone playing a Gamecube, "This isn't going to turn into one of those flashback chapters where we see every important thing to happen in the fic, right?"

Wolf glanced up from her Tales of Symphonia, getting her characters murdered as she replied, "Wait, this fic actually has important events? I thought people just read it for the lame pop culture references."

Hawkeye, seeing Wolf's point, nodded in accord and then asked, "And what was the point of this bonus chapter?"

"Absolutely nothing!" Wolf pointed at their unconscious companions. "Do you wanna draw on Mustang's face?"

Hawkeye considered it...and decided that yes, her superior officer needed a reality check. "Oh, why not?"

And so the pointless bonus chapter ended with Mustang waking up to smelling like Sharpie, and he didn't even get the chance to somehow thank every reviewer before him, Ed, Scar, Ling, Hohenheim, Izumi, and Armstrong were all trying to throw up in one teeny, tiny toilet bowl.

I got carried away...