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• • • • • SECRETS AND BLOODSHED • • • • •
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• Chapter Twenty •
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[Katniss Everdeen]
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[[Warning: Rated MA at the latter.]]
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What did she just say? Am I hearing all these correctly? I drowned in her words. Everything flowing, disoriented, and all very confusing. I fell silent. Opening my mouth into a wide shock. She's bearing Gale's child. So here is where I ask myself a question. What is real pain? Up to now, I find it hard to swallow every single detail of everything she said. Every piece of fact is too unreal to ever be considered true. I thought he loved me. But I was wrong. He's still that boy known in school for the girls he kissed. Did I even matter to him? Or I'm just a fraction of a number in the foolish girls he kissed. Can I consider myself a fool? But I can't because I'm not even aware I love him until I heard his name during the afternoon of the Reaping. So what is there to be mad about? If the baby's born, can I take that kind of responsibility? I don't know. I'm not fond of children. And dammit! What kind of gift is this? Not really the type to be given to a person as a remembrance. Or this is her own tactic to show me she's much better than I am, that Gale was attracted to her than to me. I don't know. And I don't want to know. I went out immediately as soon as I found the right part of my brain to tell my body to move, ignoring the menace in Delly Cartwright's eyes. I heard the door close behind me. Suddenly, I'm locked in my current stature and my knees feel like water.
I feel the free-flowing tears cascading to my cheeks that I fail to overlook moments earlier. I wept the tears and mewled as low as I can manage. I catch my face into both my palms. GET A GRIP, WILL YOU! I tell myself inaudibly. HE DIDN'T REALLY LOVE YOU! I nudged to my subconscious but it did not fulfill its primary objective—which is supposed to stop this stupid, irrational crying. But those words caused the exact opposite of what I intended it to be. More of that wet liquid is still sliding down my now damp face. Then I felt a warm hand on my shoulder, my knees fell to the tiled floor of the hallway.
"Hey" the owner of the gentle hand says. Of course I know who it belonged to. He's always there in the moment of the crucial. He's never absent when I seek comfort. Peeta. The boy I once protected but have to be avoided in order to oblige to what Delly wishes. I owe her, I can never stop owing her for saving my sister. I owe her a lot. I should oblige to what she said because, I know I haven't repaid my debt to her. I should distance from Peeta. I could have shoved his hand from my shoulder, but I don't want to. I know I have to, but a little voice whispers that I should defy that for now. What I need is clearly not another one of those episodes where I steer him away. I leaned my head on his chest and mewled some more. I know I appear weak at the moment. But this is just what I need, to release these tears that had been concealed for so long. I hope District 13 prepared a highly advanced drainage system in case I flood the whole place with these stupid, stupid, useless tears. He enclosed his arms around me tightly. Right now, there's no place I'd rather be than where I am right in this moment.
A gift is usually an object intended to make the receiver satisfied and happy but this gift from Gale isn't anything intended for that. Do I want that child? I should because this is Gale's last wish, to raise his child.
"What'd she say?" he asks. Remorse is unmistakable in his tone.
The tears finally subsided when I struggled to speak. "She is bearing Gale's child. She also said that Gale wants me to raise that child" my voice is gruff from all the crying I did.
"How do you feel about that? Betrayed? Cheated on?"
"I don't know what I feel. She said the child is meant to be a gift for me. Is that even permitted?" I say. Part of me wanted to accept baby Gale but what if the child will be the sort of reminder that triggers bad memories. I gripped Peeta's arm. She took Gale away from me, so what else is she going to take? Then I am instantly reminded of what she said "I can take it from here." Oh that's right, she's going to take Peeta away from me.
"Is there anything else she said? Telling it to someone might lessen the pain. I'm always here for you" he reassured me with his velvet voice.
"Here? For me?" I ask, barely having a voice in utterance.
"Always." That one word became my favorite instantly.
"Well, she said she wants me to avoid you. We all know that we should oblige." Another tear is threatening to escape my eye again. I'm just being emotional, with all the uncovered secrets and overflowing of blindsiding information for the last 48 hours of my life. All the crying, screaming, and thinking everything through. I just feel like crying again. Not because I have to avoid him. Not because she said I can't see him anymore. I know I don't need him. I just feel like crying. That's all.
He didn't say one word. He loosens his hold of me. Does this mean he's really accepting Delly's wishes? I avoid him. He avoids me. I can live with that. I stood up and ran to the elevator. And press a button. I think he tried to go after me but the silver doors are more quick-paced than he is at running. Soon, the elevator returned me to the floor where my Compartment is. I entered quickly and locked the door by pressing my hand on a detector. I turned off the lights and switched on the lamp. I know it's too early for bed but the darkness gave me a little comfort, which I am desperate for without Prim's or Peeta's arms. I'm weak. Not as strong as they think I am. I just hide in the darkness, that's how weak I am.
I lie on the bed. Peeta's bed, to be exact. And did that stupid thing again. Cry. Not sure why I did.
Then to my surprise the door slides open. I see his shadow from the light behind him. He quickly shut the door and locked it with his hand print. I should have known he can unlock it too. I see him walking towards me in the dim light. He placed a blanket on me as he joins me on the bed. Peeta placed his hand on my waist and pulls me near him. I rest my face to his chest. "Didn't you hear me when I said always?" he whispers, which makes me tremble. He embraces me tighter, and we stayed like that, unmoved, for who knows how long. He strokes my cheeks then kissed my eyes, he then trails kisses to my lips. I gasped when our mouths met and let myself succumb into the rhythm of his lips. I shouldn't be doing this. I should stop him right now. My brain says I should shove him away but my heart contradicts strongly. I'm nothing but nonplused, right in this moment. Which part of me should I listen to? Brain or Heart.
I choose the latter.
He moved his fingers to cup my chin, as to console that I won't stop so soon. I think neither of us has any plans at all. He embraces me tight as our lips parted almost too quickly.
"Always" I tasted the word. My tongue didn't taste a tad of bitterness but a whole lot of sweetness.
"Yes. Always" he gave me another quick kiss. We look at each other, we're both drenched into one another's gaze, no one dares to look away. He runs his fingers through my hair. "I'm not going away, not for Delly, not for anyone else."
Is it wrong to want something so much? I know I'm greedy. I wasn't aware what I just did. Am I really myself? I don't really know. The only thing sane running in my head is—I'm hungry, I'm starving right now. But not for food. Not for food. I sat up as he did and I kissed him. Hungrily and eagerly. With that combination, there was passion. He touched the small of my back. Then moved his lips to leave kisses to my neck. He starts to lift my gray shirt off my head and so did he with his own. I stared at his scars. Where am I today if this child had died? What will be my fate if I weren't here in Thirteen?
"I did that to you." I kissed one then the other.
I see him shake his head. I placed my shaking fingers at his pants. I don't know what I'm doing. With all the perplexity of the whole situation today, I can't think clearly. And right now, this is what I'm hungry for. I think this is what I need. I reached for his pants and undid the button. He placed a sure finger beneath my chin and raise to his face, so we meet eyes. Our lips touched once again. Then without breaking from our connection, I felt Peeta grab the end of my braid and untangle every strand of my hair gently.
He reaches for my pants and undoes the buttons and I instantly slid it off my legs. He does the same thing. Dammit! How long can this go on? I want him. I never felt so starved and hungry all my life. Just this first time. I placed the blanket on both of us. Then he started trailing kisses from my neck to my chest then deeper to the south down there. He started to pleasure me. No. Stop! I wanted to scream to him but only moans are the voices escaping my throat. He then moved to meet me again. This time I made the move, I pinned him under me. I sat on his abdomen then sheathed my bare shoulders with the too thin blanket. I took him and felt his erection under my shaking hand. I slowly eased him inside me. I winced at the sudden fullness of my body, though he's not even an inch deep inside me. I didn't know it was going to hurt this bad. I bit my lip and winced at the mixture of pain and pleasure, but still I continue to ease him in. I gasped and bit my lip. He places his hand on my hips and lifts me, so we no longer engage in contact.
"No. No. Stop. I'm hurting you" he whispers as he sat up looking at me. I flushed unexpectedly. And as unexpected as it is, he is blushing too, it's not hard to see it even in the pale light. I grasped the blanket to protect every inch of my skin, embarrassed and my ego left scarred.
"I want to. Trust me please" I begged. I want you now!
Peeta sighed and made a gesture with his hand that I should be the one to lie down. I did what he commanded then his hands are at the either side of my face to support his balance. Before he made another move, he kissed me again, this time, very, very brief.
He propped to my entrance but he's taking a long time penetrating me. I see him blush as he look at me. "I'm sorry I'm new at this. Where . . . should I . . . uhm . . ." he mumbled lowly and shyly, looking at me. I can't stifle my laugh. So we're both new at this.
"I am too. Just let me . . . uhm" I trailed my fingers from his chest to his lower half and touched him again. I placed it where it should be. I gasped deeply as I feel him there. I bit the tip of my thumb to somehow suppress my cries. I wanted to scream but I don't want him to stop either. I feel like a paper being ripped in a painful and pleasurable way. I don't know that this kind of feeling exists until now. I bit my thumb harder but it was no use to subdue my scream. "Ahh!" there was a tear at the corner of my eye. I hope this is a sound proof compartment so no one else would hear.
He eased out and examines me. He kisses me a gentle kiss. "No more. This is a bad idea"
"Shh . . ." I placed a finger on his lip. "Do you want to stop?" I whispered while holding both his cheeks.
He looks at me in wonder then shed the tear with his forefinger. "Very slowly, promise." With that, he answers my question. I smirked a bit. He positions again and very, very carefully, he gains access to my insides. He moved forward and back, slowly for almost so long. My walls are beginning to take their time to adjust to his size. Our bare skins in contact as our bodies move in a delicate rhythm, responding to one another's graceful dance. The searing pain is gone and what's left is that sensual pleasure. I never been so full and satisfied all my life. Just this first time. Please don't stop. Don't ever dare to stop.
He bit his lip and I see him wince. I propped my elbow to support my balance as I reach for his mouth and kissed him passionately. Then as our lips came apart, I saw something in his eyes that I never seen before. There was . . . what? His eyes were sardonic? He smirked sinisterly, like he was planning something frightening then without any verbal precaution, he accelerated his rhythm. Then faster and then with all the sudden intensity he didn't dare slowdown nor break our gaze. I have no clutch the side of the bed and his neck to support myself. He was gasping, his breathing is as quick-paced as mine. He's sweating on me as our body absorbs each other heat. I whimpered, but not in pain, in full satisfaction that my hunger was appeased by this man. He slowly impenetrate himself and then collapses on top of me still catching his breath. I embraced his body against mine, as I too, catch my breath. I circled my arms tightly on his neck.
Then I hear a beep. Oh, it's from Peeta's communicuff. We both stopped breathing for one or two beats, but I feel his pounding heartbeat against my chest. He lifts his head for a moment to reach the communicuff. Delly needs him, he needs to leave right now. Really? Right now? "Soldier Mellark, Soldier Cartwright de—"
To my surprise, Peeta threw the communicuff to a far corner wall of the Compartment, making the gadget spark and twitch. I look at him, his face smiling and not a bit regretful. That gentle and sweet smile infected me instantaneously.
We regained catching our breaths and smiled to each other. My heart is making no sign to steady itself. He kissed me again before he rolled over to the other side of the bed so he was lying beside me. He strokes my very ragged hair. I held his face. "Next time you'll be doing that, at least warn me" I say between breaths, not half aware of what I just said.
"Do what?" he says very innocently, which doesn't convince me.
"That" I say, ashamed of saying the obvious specifics.
"Move fast?" he smiled his gentle and shy smile.
I stupidly blushed again then nodded.
Then his smile turned into a wide smirk and his one eyebrow is arched up, as he realizes something "There's a next time?" he chuckled.
I pulled the blanket over my face but my eyes only showing. I think it's my tactic to cover my idiotic flush. "No! I'm not saying there is a next time!" I glowered at his amused expression.
He kissed my forehead. "I'll share you a secret . . . or two" he tried to pull the blanket away from my face, I gripped it tighter, but he insisted on pulling it away so I surrendered and I let it go. "I have a weakness for beauty" I just look at him, having no idea what he meant. He reached for my waist and pulls me really close. Not a tinge of embarrassment as our bare skin touched the other. I placed my head on his naked chest near his heart. "And . . . I love you" he kissed me again then almost so suddenly, he drenched into slumber, not letting me go.
I watched him sleep, hearing the calm thumping on his chest. I am wishing I could freeze this moment. I smiled at the corner of my lips and let myself fall into oblivion, all-knowing of the change I feel between me.
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OH MY GOD! I can't believe I just typed those naughty things. I wish the warning was enough for those who doesn't like those things. I'm sorry God.
Anyway, thank you so much for reading. This fic will not be possible without you ever-so-loving readers (and reviewers, if any). I hope you're not disgusted with me because of this chapter (BUT I AM STILL A VIRGIN, PROMISE!).
I was reading The Fifty Shades Trilogy (Intrigued because I read that it was a Fanfic before it was published) and obviously, my fic just got infected with E L James. Pray for me because I have sinned. I admit I read and write Rated MA stories.
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Tell me what you think. Please . . .
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BTW, I have a new HG fic called The Capitol Sinner. If ever you're interested, here's a short overview: Born in District 12, Katniss C. Skylark embarks her new life in the Capitol after her father, a showground Gamemaker, remarried and she finally settled in the city after her long years of travelling with her father. How will she deal with the different customs?
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• • • • • ~ FanFiction by: MsDayDream ~ • • • • •
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