A/N: Sorry for the long delay - this one was a tough one to write - life likes to get in the way, too.
A very special "Thank you"- to Psyche53! You are so right and I appreciate the reminder.
Thank you - to all my reviewers and readers - you are appreciated greatly!
A VERY long chapter - since I didn't see a 'good' place to split it
- Gibbs does some serious thinking -
- Abby and Tony talk
- Ziva and Tim talk -
- Tony, Ziva and Tim talk -
- Abby- well, Abby had a prior destination in mind before she stopped off at the diner, didn't she?
Trying to take in the attitude and anger from the person sitting across from him, Tony demands with unmistakable anger: "Who are you and what the hell have you done with Abby?"
"Abby's tired of being alone with all of you still exactly where you were in the office six months ago – but completely shutting me out!" The Lab Rat retorts with no remorse.
"That why you're here startin' stuff, Abbs?"
"I was defending Gibbs, Tony!"
"Defending him from who, Abby? We weren't attacking him!"
"Sure sounded to me like Ziva was, badmouthing him." Abby replies in a tone that Tony can only think of as petulant. "Besides, you've got some explaining to do yourself, Mr. Secretkeeper!"
With the conversation abruptly changed to where her crosshairs were aimed at his head, Tony's eyebrows airlift themselves up enough that she can't miss his silent channeling of Gibbs – with his attempt to force her to say exactly what's on her mind. But, he goes one step further and actually speaks what's on his mind. "So do you. But, I'll bite. What am I explaining?"
"Timmy and Ziva! That's what! Did I hear Ziva right? Relationship with Timmy? How long have they been dating? How long have you known and not said anything? Why the secrets, Tony? I thought we were friends?"
Tony sits back and exhales loudly as he grips his coffee cup; lifting it to his mouth for a drink while his eyes remain locked on the woman sitting across from him as he forces her to wait on his answer. It's obvious she needs to calm down before she'll even hear what he has to say.
Abby's seething with unanswered questions and unresolved anger over the entire situation that has been spawning new changes and differences within the people she loves and considers to be family – and faster than she can keep up with, apparently, She fidgets in her seat, her hands crumpling unused napkins and smoothing them back out again while her eyes remain locked on the man across from her. He's deliberately taking his time in offering an answer to her perfectly logical and apparently long overdue question and it's irritating her more with every passing second.
Setting the cup back down after a few silent minutes, he calmly offers her the answer he has for her. He knows she's not going to like it, but it's all he's got and frankly, he's not too worried about whether or not she likes it because it's the truth. "Wasn't my secret to tell, Abbs."
"That's never stopped you before!" She sharply reminds him as anger still radiates from her.
"Abby. What's with you? Why are you flip-floppin' around like this about McGee?" Tony demands. The fact that she's this angry doesn't sit well with him especially since it's not like her – well the new her, anyway. This is more like the old Abby and that's not a good sign.
"Don't try to change the subject to get out of answering my questions, Tony. It won't work on me!"
"Abby, I'm serious here, alright? What the hell's eatin' you - really? I thought – hell, we all thought you cared about McGee – a lot! But listenin' to you right now – it's like you've turned into someone I don't even know. Even the old Abby wouldn't have been this …."
"The old Abby?" She cuts him off to demand.
"You know what I mean." He counters with enough serious tone that it cuts her off at the pass and returns her to the original question at hand.
"He's changed, Tony. He doesn't even give me the time of day anymore – hasn't for months now!" Abby plaintively tells him. "I mean, while we were teaching that class together, we talked once – that's it! After that, he would barely even so much as wave when he saw me – and the last time he did that was a month ago! And now from you two, I hear accidentally that he and Ziva…"
"That what's really buggin' you?"
"Kinda. Okay, yeah, it is. It really is!"
"Uh-huh." Tony knowingly gives back as he carefully watches her expression. "There's more going on here. What's the rest of it?"
******NCIS******
I'm not sure this is what you had in mind when you asked me to get it all out - but I hope this serves the purpose you wanted it to.
Gibbs re-reads the first line of Tim's letter to him for what seems like the hundredth time. Speaking of time, it's lost all meaning since he hasn't even given it any thought as he's read through this at least a half-dozen times now, trying to pull every drop of understanding from it that he possibly can. The fact that his former agent – the one he long thought operated under the guise of a duck letting everything slide off his back – has held such tortured emotions in check – and believed everyone surrounding him held such little regard and respect for him - for so long and still functioned beyond average to do his job and do it well – has left him stunned, to say the least. There's no other explanation for why he's still sitting here trying to fathom everything he's just been handed.
Seeing for himself, in black and white, that Tim had many times over, either said something or wanted to – yet never felt respected enough to force the issue for fear of being considered not good enough to be on the team. Oh, yeah, definitely got some things to fix with this! He feels sick at heart that it's too late to keep Tim on the team – at least for now – because he, as Team Leader, had allowed himself back then to get so complacent he'd stopped seeing the forest for the trees.
Letting go of the pages now, he closes his eyes and tries to clear away the plethora of emotions that are still running though him as still in a pile, the pages of the letter fall to the table and skitter to a standstill. He's not sure how long he's been sitting here but he's really glad no one's interrupted him. But now, now that the mind-numbness has worn off, the need for more caffeine resurfaces sharply, even as more of Tim's words replay in his mind.
Too deep? Too analytical? That's the reason I didn't want to do this- rip it all open again - lay it out there for you to mock or judge - as opposed to learning from, as you've promised to do I'm trusting you - to use this as you said you would. To do just that - learn from it - and demand from yourself that you not repeat the events or behaviors that set this all in motion - in any way - be it big or small.
Gibbs blinks to regain his vision as he sets his glasses down on the table and sighs heavily. This effort to make sense of it all in short order is a battle he's not destined to win since the words Tim left behind are still filtering back through his mind on re-wind. Rather than try to block them, he allows them to keep coming, knowing that he has a mountain of thinking to get thru about them anyway. He'll keep his word, of that there's no doubt. He owes Tim at least that much.
How do you lay it all out on paper - the sense of disappointment, hurt, betrayal and disillusionment that invades your soul when you're repeatedly treated like a second class citizen among those considered royal on the same team?
Even as he ponders that painful first question Tim posed in writing, Gibbs mentally hunts for the answer he knows he won't find as he silently gets up and goes for a refill of his coffee. Draining the pot, he sets his mug down and goes through the motions of setting the machine up to brew another pot. He'll need it; that much is for certain.
The Team Leader's mind can't stop whirling through everything it's just taken in. Restlessly; the events and the conversations and the confessions surrounding this whole situation continue to echo thru the vast canyon disguised underneath that short crop of hair of his; not giving him a moment's peace. It's clear that he needs to take some time to assemble it all into some kind of order before he can even begin to think of what to do with it now that he has it.
I don't have your background, Gibbs. I'm not military. I don't have any of the background that the others do - law enforcement, Mossad, years as a medical examiner, even. Nothing that would have better prepared me for this job. You should have taken it into account, at least. Or at least, not forgotten it along the way.
The only thing I brought to the team was technical know-how - a willingness to learn and trust. …back then, I wore it like the shirt on my back and everyone knew it.
Mentally agreeing with Tim's written assessment of his contribution to the team back then, Gibbs keeps bodily moving, drawn towards the one place he can think and constructively get anything soothing done at the same time while still allowing his thoughts to come to order – his basement. As he picks up his hand sander, he automatically gets to work, sanding the edges of the only piece of wood currently in the place – his workbench. Really should be keeping extra wood around for times like this.
With an audible sigh, he silently asks himself the question Tim deserves the answer to. Why did he let it happen?
Gibbs can't help but think back to when Tim first joined the team; remembering with pride; how the poor kid hadn't known what had hit him; but he'd kept bouncing back for more, regardless. Tim's right. He hadn't been the least bit prepared for it; but he'd been like a life-size weeble-wobble; coming right back for more, no matter how many times he got knocked down. The Team Leader remembers marveling at the young man's capacity for punishment and new experiences locked together – as each new day seemed to bring him. He'd also come to respect the hell out of him for all he put up with so quietly and without ever giving up, he remembers now.
Wait a minute. Back up. What was it Tim said?
"…the sense of disappointment, hurt, betrayal and disillusionment that invades your soul when you're repeatedly treated like a second class citizen among those considered royal on the same team?
"…disillusionment and the feeling of being lied to, tricked, disrespected and stepped on -… a newbie still learning the ropes and learning who I could trust - to train me right and to keep me safe on the job.
"There's certainly no way for you to feel them - or to even understand what it was like to do so."
"…a willingness to learn and trust."
"I already knew I was fighting a losing battle when I was assigned to this team. That wall that all Probie's have to climb before they're no longer probies; it's unsurmountable, unbreachable on Team Gibbs…."
"It took me a long time to feel like I was really and truly a valued member of your team…"
With Tim's own words sharply reminding him just how wrong he'd been to sit back and blindly hand the newbie over to his ruthless and sophomoric Senior Field Agent the way he had, Gibbs' hands freeze on the sander, a frown settling on his face. He knows he wasn't blind – he saw a lot of what DiNozzo was doing, so that can't be it. How could he have been so cold and uncaring as to sit back and let it happen and for so long?
******NCIS******
Under the warmth of the shining sun, Tim and Ziva remain silently cuddled together on the bench around the corner from the diner. It's a long while before Tim's mind drags itself out of its' nap and throws a concerned monkey wrench into the relaxing and comfortable mood he and Ziva have wrapped themselves in.
Reluctantly, he gives quiet voice to the concern that is mixed with a touch of curiosity. "You ditch Tony?"
"No. Well, I left him with Abby." She answers with a sliver of anger mixed with regret and remains cuddled into his embrace, not yet ready to move. She really wasn't happy with the way things spiraled from good between them. Thankfully, she knows they will be able to fix things between them, soon.
"Abby's here?" Tim sits up in what can only be what one would consider to be alarm.
"Relax, Tim. Tony is talking to her." Ziva places a light touch on his arm that she knows he'll understand is her way of stopping him without force.
Shaking his head, he gets to his feet anyway, although he doesn't take any steps to move any further away from her than the two feet he has already. "This is jus….what did she say? She must have said something out of the way if you're out here with me and not still in there enjoying your coffee with Tony." He asks her with concern. "Did she say something hurtful?"
Ziva sighs as she looks him in the eye, compelling him to listen closely and accept what she says. "Tim, she does not have the power to hurt me. I will not give her that."
"That's not a no." He gently scolds her since he wants to hear the truth – take someone to task if they've hurt Ziva. He understands what she's saying and she's right. Abby can't hurt them if they won't let her, but that's not the same thing as Abby deliberately trying to be hurtful because she herself feels hurt or angry. That is something he won't tolerate.
"It is not a yes, either. Now, come, sit back down here with me. I am sure Tony will find us when he is ready." Ziva smiles tenderly as she waits for him to sit back down beside her.
"And Abby?" Tim stubbornly remains standing, his arms taut with tension that is moving down into his hands as they close and open back up repeatedly in a silent attempt at stress relief.
"Tim. Please relax. We both know that Abby will do what she does best – sprout off with whatever is on her mind and then she will go and sulk until she is ready to think things through with more rational thought then what she is allowing herself to use right now. There is little we can do to change that. "
"Wow. Been talkin' to Ducky much?" Tim teases with a grin as he opens his hands one last time and nervously lifts one of them and runs it through his hair, mentally sparing a thought that it's time for a haircut.
With a completely straight face, she answers him. "Actually, since being told of your new assignment, yes."
As he takes in the quiet tone she uses only when speaking from her heart, his heart breaks for her anew. Time freezes for Tim, Dropping back down on the bench next to her, he gathers her closely to him once more and murmurs in her ear. "I'm so sorry. It kills me to be putting you through this."
Looking back up at him, she squeezes him back in silent support as she leans into him, wordless acceptance of his heartfelt angst on her behalf. She keeps her silence at this point because she does not want them to dwell on this any more than she wants him to shoulder the blame all by himself. Gibbs, Tony and Abby are all and to a much lesser degree - Ducky, – responsible for helping this come about. Ziva knows without a doubt, that she too had a hand in turning things in this direction – way back when.
Then again, she and Tim have already talked about that – about the times she was less than supportive and more antagonistic than she should have been – most especially in reference to his writing. They'd put that behind them and agreed that it belonged there. But, it's bound to come up again as the vault full of everything that occurred back in those days – gets emptied out in the name of letting everyone learn from it and move on. Ziva wonders what lies ahead as this finally gets put to rest.
As if in unspoken agreement, they resume silent cuddling, this time the heart felt exchange they've just had seems to have deepened the connection even more, even though it's certainly not the first time they've spoken of their feelings on the subject. Having done so at this moment, somehow has affected them both anew. Basking in the sun together, they allow themselves to enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts.
******NCIS********
Abby lets it rip, now that she's been given the conversational floor and a rapt audience in the man sitting across from her. "The McGee I knew would have forgiven me – forgiven all of us and came right back like everything was fine, Tony! He would have said something to Gibbs first! The Tim McGee I know wasn't afraid to talk to Gibbs aboutanything!He never would have left the team! He'd always remember how much he owes everybody – for taking him in and teaching him everything he knows! Where's his gratitude? His loyalty?"
Tony sits back in abject disbelief. Is she serious? Gibbs and McGee talk? When? When pigs fly maybe! And where the hell has she been for the last year? Did she even hear what Vance said to her when Tim first left the team? Even now, Tony can still vividly remember the man's words – to him, anyway – and mostly because the Director has rarely been that completely pissed at the entire team the way he was back then – that fateful day in his office a year ago.
"…Agent DiNozzo, you also, hold the answer to your own question. Ironically, this happened, I imagine, about the time you decided to jump down McGee's throat for Ms. Scuito's actions. Tell me DiNozzo; are you in the habit of blaming McGee for the actions and decisions of every one on your team? Last time I checked, every one of you was an adult who is more than capable of making your own decisions and accepting the consequences. "
"TONY!"
Abby's raised voice pulls the Senior Field Agent back to the present. With a frown, he glares at her angrily. "What?"
"Talk to me! What's really going on here?"
"You remember when Vance pulled us into his office to tell us that Tim had left the team?" Tony's question is posed with a quiet calm mixed with genuine curiosity. He really does want to know if she remembers. Frankly, he seriously doubts that she does.
"Of course I remember!" She retorts as if insulted that he even has to ask.
"Really? So you remember what he said to us?" Tony's doubt is nearly palpable since he makes no effort to disguise it.
"Not exactly. But I know he holds me responsible." Her reply is serious yet surprisingly uninformative.
"And me. And Gibbs." Tony reminds her pointedly. "Think back, Abby. I know you better than you think I do. You remember. You just try not to recall it because it wasn't easy to swallow."
With a sigh, she sits back, her eyes closing in a moment of utter frustration as those accusatory words from the Director come back to her vividly.
"Ms. Scuito, I find it extremely ironic that your question is 'why' when you hold the answer to that, or at least, the crux of it in your hands…"
"Gibbs. This team… your team, led by you, has continuously allowed Ms. Scuito to go off grid, disregard the advice and escort of Agent McGee and skate by without so much as a single reprimand for any of it.
As the same moment in history replays itself through both of their minds, the silence lengthens and becomes thick with guilt and remorse. It's a long time before either of them speak again. When the silence is broken, it's Tony that breaks it first.
"You need to hear me on this, alright?" Tony sits forward, planting his arms in front of him on the table, his hands reaching out to hers – one friend to another. "Times have changed and so have we. All of us. It's time to respect that and each other – better than we've ever done before."
"Why because Tim's leaving? Oh, My God! Timmy's LEAVING!" Abby cries as Ziva's other announcement finally registers on her brain. She lets go of Tony's hands to throw hers in the air in exasperation. "TONY! We can't let that happen!"
"I never realized how much work it takes to keep up with you, Scuito." Tony scolds with complete seriousness as he sits back and exhales tiredly. He really doesn't know how Tim put up with this yo-yo Abby seems to operate under, when they were dating. Wait. Was she like this back then? He can't recall what Abby was like in her 'dating Tim" days. So many things have happened and so much time has gone by. Still, Tony mentally gives Tim a huge dose of admiration for obviously having had the balls to hang in there with her – at least long enough that they'd stayed tight – somewhat – for a while after they quit dating. God knows they worked together almost seamlessly for ages. Kudos to Tim for that!
"What?" Deflated, Abby finally flops back in her seat and takes a breath. It's but a split second later that she's plunging back into overdrive. "Seriously, Tony! What are we gonna do about this?"
Tony shakes his head. "Have to let it happen, Abbs. Like I said. Times are changin' and so are we."
"But, Tony! What about my 3 Musketeers?"
"Seriously? How long's it been, Abbs? A year? Longer?" Tony asks in disbelief. "We haven't been that in a long time."
***Sigh*** "I know. It's just…." Tiredly, Abby gives up trying to put it into words, leaving the conversation right there. Crossing her arms in front of her chest, she hugs them to herself tightly as if trying to bolster herself through this very disquieting moment.
"Why are you still so pissed at Tim?" Tony wants to know, needs them to go back to the original question he tried to ask her.
She glares at him as she answers without hesitation. "Because he left us, Tony!" Her tone suggests not only that in her mind, her anger about it is righteous, but that he shouldn't even have to ask why.
"I've got one word for you, Abbs." Tony says with the super calm quiet tone that raises alarms with those who know him best. It's the tone that says he's pulled something meaningful from their conversations, memories or fairly recent events that has great relevance to the here and now, no matter how much the other person's not going to like it.
Knowing from his tone that he's about to do it soon she silently watches him as she waits for him to drop whatever shoe he's holding, Without even realizing it, she holds her breath in nervous anticipation.
Sure enough, he drops it – with a sonic boom. "Mexico."
******NCIS******
Although he still hasn't found a satisfactory reason as to why he long operated under the cold, uncaring attitude he'd consistently given Tim back then, the realization crosses his mind that he finally understands that realizing his life-long dream to become a Federal Agent; had not been an easy road for Tim, by any means. He'd suffered through a near-fatal car accident when he was 16 and had to force himself to work through his physical rehab to completely come back from that. Despite his brilliance and his degrees, he'd needed help to get thru FLETC and has never been ashamed to admit it.
As one of the team's strongest assets; Tim has always had the potential to be their very own two-legged crime lab, though they'd seldom given him the opportunity to use all of his skills to that degree. When he'd first come to the team, he was resilient; not too uptight; brilliant, dedicated; a certified genius; sensitive in nature with an innate compassion for others; which often times led him to being easily hurt and manipulated. Hell, he's still all that and more-well, not nearly as easy to manipulate these days, thankfully. Gibbs, knows that he'd taken advantage of Tim's good points more often than not. Hell, they all had. Tim is absolutely right about that.
Trust. I handed it out like candy back then. I guess, in some small degree, I still do. But, Gibbs, back then, I wore it like the shirt on my back and everyone knew it. And took advantage of it. My own vulnerability? Sure. The reason to abuse that trust? Absolutely not!
Despite the hard on the job training he was subjected to on a daily basis, Tim had shown his own quiet strength and courage; his potential being evident thru his eagerness, persistence and intelligence. Even though he'd been painfully shy and stammering with nerves; he'd been damn good at his job; he'd shown his willingness to work hard and had calmly handled anything and everything that had been thrown at him.
The frenetic pace of the job and the ever present need to put the case and its' victims first - seldom left much time for any deep thinking on what was going on underneath the surface and often forced me to just accept things as they happened along the way; to keep going until the job was done. The job always came first and anything personal - well - didn't even register and we all understood that - no matter the personal cost.
I was only the newbie - or the probie that would always be the probie and susceptible to Tony's crap and the endless supply he had to dish out. And anything ever said about it - was just whining.
Crap! With a sigh, Gibbs brings his thoughts to a grinding halt. God, how could he have misconstrued what he saw and heard from the young man for so long? How could he have possible thought that everything he was being dealt was just rolling off his back, leaving him unfazed? Why has it taken him so long to see the light?
Against his genius with computers, Tim's skills as a scientist often got overlooked. Here he had been; only 26 with two degrees and most people missed the astonishing brilliance hiding beneath the geek. Still, Tim had persisted in learning everything he could; even changing those parts of himself that weren't quite fitting in with the job. And through it all, he never said a word to Gibbs – at least, not that the Team Leader can remember.
Tim McGee was a perfectionist when he first came to them. He hated to make mistakes and Gibbs, as his Team Leader had respected that about him and respected him for that while cashing in on that asset whenever he could, always pushing Tim to use that part of his character for the betterment of the case. But, sometimes, Tim's need for that perfectionism worked against him; had him finding faults within himself where there were none. His penchant for withdrawing into himself and damn near drowning in responsibility and guilt where he saw any – such as -in the lives lost to the job and while on the job - were cause for concern. Gibbs remembers that while he never stepped in and addressed any of this with Tim like he should have – he had sometimes wondering if that part of who Tim was came from the young man's having been so relentlessly bullied in school or if it had come from his bad experiences with shrinks; or both. Now, he realizes, Tim explained it clearly – an answer he, the Team Leader, never saw coming – but damned well should have.
"…I took my cues from you and Tony. After all, it had become apparent by then that a show of weakness of any kind was not something either of you tolerated."
A People Pleaser. While trying to adjust who he was to better fit in, Tim had never stopped being a people pleaser who not only tried to keep the peace, but who also always tried to see the good in life. Gibbs had always respected Tim's unselfish nature; the part of him that always saw the good in people; well before he ever saw the bad. There wasn't a malicious bone in the man's body; not even a drop of hatred or unkindness. Well, except maybe a dollop for Erin Kendall's murderer. He was the last person on earth that should have ever been made to feel expendable.
Tim had already lost so many that mattered to him in one way or another. There had been, Kate; Paula, Pacci, Erin Kendall, Det. Benedict. Still, he'd come back – stayed strong and true, dependable and loyal, trustworthy to a fault and just as polite as always – well, with the exception of how he handled Tony, of course.
With his head swimming in thoughts long forgotten, Gibbs picks up his coffee cup and heads back upstairs for a refill. He's barely scratched the surface here and he's far from satisfied. It's gonna be a long day. Suddenly he's hungry too and he'll need to be able to think without his stomach distracting him. He takes the time to sit down and eat something, his mind still ruthlessly mulling things over.
*****NCIS*****
"Mexico? What do you know about what happened in Mexico, Tony?" Abby's surprise is genuine. She hadn't realized anyone knew much about what happened between her and Tim down there. Since nothing had come of it, she'd figured it was water long gone under the bridge by now and that she was safe from any further discussion of it. It was better that way.
Tony's serious reply drags her from her musings on the subject. "Only what Vance let loose in his office the day he told us McGee was gone from the team by his own choice –but made it clear it was because of what we'd done – remember that?"
Now she can only close her eyes in guilt and remorse as the Director's words do come back to her quite vividly now.
I have yet to see a disciplinary action taken against her for the stunt she pulled in Mexico, or were you fully intending on letting her get by with placing herself and McGee in that kind of danger with no consequences?
I wonder, Gibbs; what would you have done if McGee's offer of his own life for the safety of Ms. Scuito and those students, had been taken up on? If the Reynosa cartel, had taken him hostage or worse, killed him. Would you still hold to your philosophy of letting her get away with acting the way she did? If McGee had been sent back to us in a body bag, what would you have told his family? Would you have told them that it was his fault?
Ms Scuito disregarded his warnings and advice and took them all out to that site. What she did, was not only place herself and the Agent sent to protect her, in danger, but the students that she was teaching as well. By my book, that is unacceptable and yet, nothing came of it. Why?"
With a resigned sigh, she looks over at her long-time friend and co-worker. "I know, Tony. The way he came down on me was not something I'd forget anytime soon, you know?"
"You do realize that even if Vance hadn't said something, I would have known Mexico had a lot to do with his leaving. I know Probie and I know damned well that whatever put that look in his eyes when he came back, it wasn't good. And I know you. "
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Abby. You liked to use him and manipulate the fact that he'd walk through fire for you. God only knows what you said to him to get him to ignore protocol and safety down there the way he did. Whatever happened, it affected him a lot more than he let on, so before you go jumping on his case about any of this that you're pissed at him about– look back at that mirror, okay, Abbs? Have the two of you ever even discussed what happened down there? I'm gonna take a shot in the dark here and say no. Knowing Probie, he let you off without another word and knowing you - you haven't ever given it a second thought. Have you?"
"What a horrible thing to say!"
"Tell me I'm wrong, Abbs."
"I know. I don't know what's wrong with me, Tony! It's like my head's in two places with this thing and all the changes that have come about with it!"
"The only place it needs to be – is wherever you can be comfortable accepting the changes that have come up and whatever new ones show up, Abby. Stop trying so hard to make the pieces fit that don't' go together anymore."
"Like Timmy and me."
"Like you and McGee – the two of you stopped fitting together a very long time ago." Tony solemnly agrees with her.
"I so owe Ziva the biggest apology ever."
"Yeah, you do. But, I'd wait on that if I were you." Tony suggests as he stands to his feet. "C'mon, I'll walk out with you."
Getting to her own feet, Abby frowns. As they walk to the door of the diner, she poses her question. "Why am I waiting, exactly?"
Having a strong suspicion of what they'll find when they get there, Tony waits until they've stepped outside and he's had a chance to glance around. Sure enough the answer to her question is spelled out unmistakably – straight ahead, not twenty yards away. With a gesture in the direction of the relaxing couple, he finally offers her the answer. "That's why."
Abby glances in the direction he's just indicated and stops dead in her tracks. Oh! Oh, they look so good together, now that she's not blinded by anger or the need to defend. With the topic of what she'd done to Tim in Mexico still fresh on her mind, she can't help but find a silver lining in what she's looking at. They both deserve to be happy. She's too much of a friend to them to think otherwise. She'll figure out why she can't seem to find her footing with all these changes – why she's lashing out at those who least deserve it – and when she does, she'll make it up to all of them. Or at least, try.
Still looking at Tim and Ziva, Abby quietly asks. "When's he leaving? Where's he going?"
"Don't know. Not privy to that info – and not pushing. No more of that." Tony just as quietly replies, the seriousness of his tone booking no argument.
Looking back at Tony, she smiles softly. "I get it now. Thanks."
"What is it that you get, Abbs?"
"Them. The not pushing. The looking in the mirror. All of it."
Tony doesn't pull any punches. She's been a difficult pain in the behind about this and he's nearly out of patience. "Good."
Oddly enough, she seems to agree with him. "I know. I'm gonna go, alright? Thanks for letting me ruin your Sunday brunch. Tell them I'm sorry?"
"Sure. Drive safe, ya hear?"
"I promise." Abby squeezes his arm in a silent show of support before she lets go and walks to her car. Without a backward glance, she gets in and pulls out, headed for her original destination; especially now that she has so much more to work through.
*****NCIS*****
Now that his stomach's full, Gibbs picks Tim's letter up one more time, glancing through it yet again. Setting it down again, he heads back to his basement, needing to put his hands to work doing something constructive. Picking the sander back up, he mentally works to pick up where he'd left off sorting through things. Where was he…oh, right…
left me reeling with indecision. Erin Kendall, Det. Benedict - other deaths still on my conscience - and all without a single word of support from you - outside of your attempt to help me with Metro cops in the case of Benedict.
Benedict. Over the last few years; that case; the one that, just as Gibbs had always feared; apparently still haunted Tim. That one had always hovered in the back of Gibbs' mind, too; not because of what had gone wrong; but because he'd always feared Tim had never really let go of it. Apparently, he'd been right to be concerned. He just wished he'd been smart enough to verbally check his suspicions before now. Gibbs knew, Tim had never really let go of Erin Kendall's death either. That just wasn't Tim's style. When Tim McGee felt responsible and guilty for someone; there was no way on earth that anyone else could talk him around to seeing how it wasn't his fault; ever.
I still can not fathom why you fully expected me to be able to face that man - to help you corner him - after he'd seen my face and knew I was the end to his career. Not to mention, I was still reeling from having killed the innocent decorated detective to begin with.
When I froze as he pulled his gun on you - for fear of hitting you instead - and you railed at me once you'd taken him out - it seemed as if the world just stopped. I never forgot those words.
"You ever hesitate because you second guess yourself again. I'll take your badge! Are we clear?"
With vivid clarity; like it happened yesterday; Gibbs recalls looking in the rearview mirror at his distraught agent just after Archer had committed suicide by cop in his own driveway. Tim had been so withdrawn into himself; locked up in the guilt, responsibility that Gibbs had been surprised he'd been able to think straight enough to get in the car. Wrapped up tightly in his trench coat and visibly shaking; shivering in the heat of the sun shining unmercifully hot into the car, he'd been the poster child for misery.
As they had pulled away from the scene; seeing his agent; his surrogate son; in that condition; had shaken Gibbs to the core. Although; he remembered not being sure what had shaken him more at the time; seeing Tim frozen in what he'd assumed had been self-doubt while damn near getting shot to death at near point blank range earlier; or seeing him so distraught at that time; he'd appeared on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Tim McGee was naturally pale at the best of times; but at that moment; his face had been so pale; he had made Ducky's autopsy cases look healthy. Gibbs had seriously been worried about him.
"The world didn't stop because of what you said though or because you lost your temper with me - but because the entire situation that had just taken place was like the camel's back had been broken - responsibility - guilt - loss - anger- you name it - it was all there and it all weighed more than my shoulders could carry."
"And you didn't give a damn."
With a soul deep wave of regret mixed with self-appointed anger, Gibbs physically drops the sander, his eyes closing against the onslaught as he reaches out to grab onto the workbench, forcing himself to stay upright. Oh, Tim. I'm so sorry. I cared. I just didn't know how to show it.
******NCIS******
Watching Abby leave, Tony frowns. He can't believe so much is still being felt from Tim's leaving the team so many months ago. Truth be told, despite all the wrong Tim suffered through that's come to light in all this, he's angry about the way the younger man that he still cares deeply about has chosen to 'not' deal with the roots of it all. If Tim hadn't been so damned stubborn about not talking about it all this time – then all of this could have been dealt with a hell of a lot more effectively than this mess they have now! With a tired sigh, he thinks back to the question of trust so tightly wrapped in the center of it all; clearly pointed out earlier in the morning before Abby showed up.
Funny, so much of the discussion and blame has been placed in what had been done to Tim through the years on the team. But what about the times Tony's been skewered by the team? Why doesn't that count for something? Why hasn't it been addressed? Sure there were a hell of a lot less instances of it – but that didn't make the times it had happened, any less significant. Did it? No.
The difference is, Tony realizes, that he's never spoken of them again – choosing instead to internalize them and send them packing deep into the vault of things hidden behind his daily masks. Wow. Okay. Can't blame them for what they can't see, right? Maybe, but that doesn't mean a little reminder isn't in order to keep things in perspective. More lessons learned, right?
Walking over to Ziva and Tim, he can still find it within himself to smile at the picture of bliss they've created here, cuddled together like this. In fact, he can't help but give them a little bit of grief for it. "Get a room, will ya?"
With a small huff of laughter, Tim sits up, rearranging his arm around Ziva's back. "Hey. Where's Abby?"
"Gone on her merry way - with a hell of a lot to think about while she's at it." Tony responds without a hint of humor in his expression.
"Thank you, Tony." Ziva offers as she looks over at him. "I fear I would have said something…unforgiveable if I had stayed."
"No sweat."
Tim looks at the older man carefully, hearing what he's not saying. Something's bothering him and he needs to be given the chance to get it out. Slipping his arm out from around Ziva, Tim gets to his feet and approaches Tony. "What's on your mind, Tony?"
"Trust."
Tim sighs as he stuffs his hands in his jean pockets. "Yeah, it's been on my mind for a long time, too."
"Yeah, I got that. Funny thing about trust, though, Tim…?" Tony drops his question there, not exactly sure how to make his point without kicking too much sand up in the younger man's face – or Ziva's. But, then again, they are the guilty parties in this scenario re-playing itself over in his head now with their own lesson to learn here. That's what big brothers are for, after all – especially ones that were crapped on the way Tony'd been that day he's focused on right now. They need to do something they've never done before – explain why they felt it had been okay to treat Tony with such disregard – and no shred of concern for his safety, on top of that. Sliding his hands into his jacket pockets, he leans back against the light pole they're lucky enough to be sitting next to, as he waits to see what's going to happen now.
"What is it, Tony?" Tim's worried now. Obviously something's seriously bothering his friend and he wants to be able to help. It's not very often Tony talks to him – about anything, so this must really be important.
"Remember when you two turned the radio off while supposedly covering my back? Trust that day, …yeah; wasn't feelin' it too much myself. Can't exactly put it into words, what it felt like to realize I'd been out there tracking a murderer…alone - while my backup bailed just for the hell of it." His eyes hold Tim's gaze steady, the steel unmistakable in their steadiness.
Tim and Ziva glance at each other with abject guilt on their faces. He's so right. They were completely out of line to do him that way when they were his backup out in the field. Gibbs trusted them to be there for each other and the two of them had selfishly bailed on Tony. And to top it off, Tony had never said a peep about it to anyone. As if on demand, the situation recalls itself to Tim's mind now – clearly enough that he feels the guilt for his choice.
As Tony gets in the back seat of the sedan, wheezing and gasping for air, Tim asks him from the front driver's seat.
"What happened to you?"
"Don't play dumb. You reveled in every minute of my suburban suffering." Tony replies calmly.
"Actually, we no we've ah been not listening for the last couple of hours." Tim fesses up – without any trace of regret.
"One can only stand your voice for so long. Did you talk to everyone?" Comes from Ziva as an explanation from where she sits riding shotgun.
"God, Tony, you're right. There's not even an excuse good enough…" Tim sighs. "I am so sorry."
Standing straight now, Tony offers an answer without batting an eye. "You're right. There is no excuse. And - I know that it's not something you'll ever pull again - especially now that you're actually being reminded of it. I know you regretted it. That's why I never said anything. Just thought I'd let it share some space with all this other crap being dealt with from back then, ya know?"
"And rightly so, Tony. I, too am sorry." Ziva gets to her feet and approaches him. "Truly. I am. I should not have encouraged such behavior."
"Neither of us should have even considered acting that way. It was wrong. Dead wrong." Tim inserts with abject remorse.
Tony shrugs because he's not wanting to roast them about this – just infuse it into the pot of lessons learned for all of them. "We're cool. Apologies accepted. Now, can we get back to all things normal and less than sappy, please?"
Smiling appreciatively, they quietly thank him and resettle on the bench - making room for Tony on one side of Ziva. Together, as a band of friends, they take up basking in the sun and the peace and quiet of the Sunday afternoon – or what's left of it.
*****NCIS*****
Gibbs remembers having learned a very valuable lesson the day he'd lost his temper with Tim in Archer's driveway; valuable but damn expensive. This troubled genius can't be rushed. The cost of that lesson had been too high; especially for the genius in question. A price Gibbs never wanted to make the mistake of causing Tim to have to pay again; any one of his agents for that matter. Apparently, the cost had been much greater than he'd ever realized. Tim's own words bring the gauntlet of doom down on him best.
For you to never say another word about any of it - Gibbs, please don't ever let another newbie go through what I went through. If nothing else comes from me getting all this out on paper - PLEASE don't let this happen again
Blinking to clear his suddenly blurred vision, his heart aches for what had to be an extremely painful couple of days for Tim in that time.
Tony did for me, - when I'd killed Benedict - what Kate had done for me when Erin Kendall had died on my watch. He tried to reach out to me when I was at my lowest. And I truly appreciated him for that and the effort that he made to make sure I didn't get lost under the weight of it all.
Mentally thanking his Senior Field Agent for the insightful thinking he'd shown in trying to be there for the troubled and struggling newbie– because he'd known the boss wouldn't be. Trying to picture it now isn't easy – the brash, arrogant Senior Field Agent running roughshod over the newbie by day – trying to comfort him by night when a traumatic event occurred. It's no wonder it stuck with Tim. Then again, it's no wonder the boss' glaring cold indifference stuck just as well.
But, I never understood why, as Team Leader, YOU never said a word. I can not tell you the impact that had on me, Gibbs. Words just can't even begin to describe how uncertain I was about my place on the team at those points -uncertain of your opinion and thoughts about those incidents - about your choice to pull me to your team.
As guilt curls insidiously inside his heart, Gibbs recalls what Tim's spelled out in his letter- all that he had been thru while feeling like he had no choice if he wanted to keep the job he loved. Still holding Tim close in his heart, the father in him cannot help but hurt for the young man he can no longer hold safe from the world – because of his own actions. The experiences Tim's learned from being treated like he was expendable will certainly be more of a hindrance to him now as he heads to a new team, than while working with this one. They've bound to have jaded him, just as much as they've hurt him - down at the core where it hasn't been visible to the rest of them. The young man, once again, is right in how he'd been treated. How could they not have expected him to want out? What could Gibbs ever say to make amends?
Nothing. There are no words to fix this. The damage has been done – long reaching damage, a fact borne out by the very situation that has brought all of this out to light to begin with – Tim's reassignment. Would he, the young man's former Team Leader, had ever made that extra move to get Tim to open up? Or would he have remained silent – forever misunderstanding Tim's own silence and taking it that the young man had nothing else to say? If it hadn't been for Leon's advice….whoa.
Gibbs shudders. It's still hard for him to believe that all of this has come about because the Director had more insight into what's been going on with Tim than he ever did. Whoa. Okay that says it all, right there. Talk about a wakeup call! Seriously, though; it's the truth. Tim was on his team for what, seven years? Vance has only been around for two and a half of that! The Director of the Agency should not have been the one to get to know Tim better than his own Team Leader!
What is the fix to this hurt? Gibbs doesn't know. He feels like he's in over his head with the realization that he's broken Tim's heart not once but twice – by first forcing him to leave the team and now causing his career to take this monumental change in direction. He's not even sure Tim can ever truly forgive him. Ziva either, for that matter, since this affects her as well, now.
What he does know, is that the reasons McGee – Tim still has a place in this old man's heart has nothing to do with whether or not he ever stood up for himself against the tide of everything being thrown at him. His integrity and honesty and soul-deep respect and loyalty for those he comes to care about – as well as people in general- far exceed anything job related the young man has accomplished.
And it may not even matter to Tim at all, but still the need to let him know that is a strong one- as is the need to let him know he'll always be welcome here – – on his team , in Gibbs' home. With the realization that he's losing a surrogate son to whatever new destination awaits him, this former marine can't help but mentally extend his thoughts of always letting Tim in - to include his life in general terms As one of the people who've earned Gibbs trust the most, he'll always be welcome. The question remains how to find a way to make Tim see it.
Still struggling with the how and why of the damage he's done, and needing a break from thinking this into the ground – even though he's barely tapped the surface of it all, Gibbs heads up stairs. It's going to be a long day. He'll have to pace himself to get through this with any semblance of rational thought and conclusions but he has to because he won't let Tim leave without hearing something from him. The young man deserves that much, at least.
With the thought of getting a fresh cup of coffee on his mind as he climbs the stairs, he's distracted into being startled as he tops the stairs and steps into his kitchen; stopping dead in his tracks– the sight of Abby sitting at his table, holding Tim's letter in her hands as her tears run down her cheeks, breaking his heart all over again.