It was bright when he opened his eyes; almost too bright. His eyes closed again and he struggled with the effort to open them once more. Ever so slowly his hand began to move, as if drawn by a magnetic force.
His fingers made contact with fingers that didn't belong to him. There was something about that touch that felt right to him…comforting, but he didn't know why. His hands traveled up an arm, to a shoulder. There was movement beneath his fingers and he opened his eyes battling the brightness to get a glimpse of the figure at his bedside.
His hand settled on a head of flaxen hair. It was soft and silky and again he felt like this was normal, but it just didn't make sense.
"Oh God, I'm not dreaming."
The voice that met his ears was rich and thick with emotion. He turned as much as he dared and found himself staring into brown eyes that appeared almost hazel in the light.
"Hi," he said blinking his eyes again as he tilted his head to the side. The man who sat before him looked familiar but he knew that couldn't be right. Surely he had never seen him before in his life. Yet he seemed so excited to see him. Why was that? Was he important to this man in some way? A brother, or a best friend?
"Is it too bright?" That voice reached his ears again. He managed a nod and watched as the man went to dim the lights. "I can't tell you how glad I am that you are awake," he said upon his return to the bed. "I was so scared; you've been in a coma for so long. The doctors were starting to wonder if you would ever open your eyes. I didn't give up hope though. I knew you would come back to me."
The statement bewildered him, for he detected such intimacy from those words. But that didn't seem right somehow. Nothing made any sense right now.
He tried to smile but he wasn't certain how well that worked. There was an innate sense that he didn't want to hurt this stranger. Even though he knew he was going to.
"How long…" he asked, trying to get the words out. His mind was full of questions but his voice didn't seem to want to cooperate. "I…was…for?" he frowned hoping that the stranger would somehow know what he was trying to say. He was trying to discern exactly what was going on. He felt like there was such a void…so much he didn't understand.
"Six very long weeks," the blond man answered the sadness clear in his voice. It made him sad as well. Who was this guy to bring forth such emotion in him?
"Six…" he repeated. "What…H…happened?"
There was a car crash," the blond explained. I don't know the details I was hoping you would be able to shed some light on that. You totaled your truck…they said you somehow went through the windshield. It was awful, Noah…I thought you were dead.
"Is …that…m…name?" he could tell the question took the other man by surprise, but he couldn't read the emotions flittering in those brown eyes. "And who are you?" he asked, feeling the need to rush through the questions. "I…feel Like should know you, but I don't know why. And you're looking…at me like I just broke your heart. I'm…I'm afraid I just don't get it. Please…help me."
Luke was overwhelmed with the emotions coursing through him at that moment. He didn't even know where to begin sorting through the debris that was his mind. Too many things were occurring to him all at once, and he was beginning to get a headache. Not that he could react. Everything he did in this moment would determine the next step…he just needed a place to start.
Noah was awake, that made him happy, ecstatic even. For day s now he had been sitting by Noah's bedside talking to him, touching him…and waiting for a sign that he was getting better. The vitals indicated that he was improving, and Luke held on to the hope that this meant he would wake up soon. He was more than elated that his husband had opened those blue eyes…but it made him sad too.
Noah was awake, but he didn't even know he was Noah. Luke was still having trouble processing that. He didn't even want to think about the fact that Noah didn't know him. He couldn't think about that now, not when those blue eyes were looking at him, pleading with him for help. It was his turn to be strong, his turn to help…Noah looked so scared.
"Luke," he said, his voice sounding scratchy to his own ears. He cleared his throat and tried again. "My name is Luke and you're Noah…do you remember anything at all? " He knew he sounded desperate and that certainly wasn't' what Noah needed from him right now. He sighed when Noah shook his head and it broke his heart to see sadness cloud those sapphire gems.
"I'm sorry," Noah said mournfully. "I wish…I could remember. You s…seem really nice and I feel like I should…" he paused and Luke turned to see what had caught Noah's attention.
The Colonel stood in the doorway, and he didn't look too happy. Luke sucked in his breath through h is teeth. This was not going to be pretty. Not in the least.
"I knew you couldn't be trusted," the Colonel sneered, glaring daggers at Luke.
"You don't know what you're talking about," Luke warned.
"The hell I don't," the Colonel raved as he came further into the room. "You're trying to poison my son's mind against me. I won't let you do it. Move out of my way. He's awake and you aren't needed here anymore."
Noah watched the new stranger practically shove Luke out of the way and that made him angry. "Don't touch him," he said projecting his voice as much as he could. "You have no right coming in here and putting your hands on anyone. I don't even know who you are, and if this is how you behave I don't even know if I want to."
Both Luke and Noah's father were taken aback by the outburst. And if not for the sudden beeping of Noah's vitals, the Colonel would have lashed back.
Luke immediately returned to Noah's said as the man started having trouble breathing. :"Noah, please you need to calm down. See what you did," he snapped at the Colonel even as he pushed the button ht would alert the nurse. Those alarms reminded him why he didn't like hospitals. He hoped Noah was okay...he just had to be.
"Why would he say such a thing?"
Luke looked away from the glass window and faced Noah's father. It was in rare moments such as these that Luke saw that Winston Mayer did love his son. It was just a shame that said moments were far and in between.
"Say what, exactly?" Luke inquired.
"That he didn't know me. I'm his father for goodness sakes."
Luke had his own theory on that one, but for now he would keep it to himself. "He doesn't even remember his name or who he is."
The colonel frowned and looked back at the doctors working on Noah. Luke could only imagine what the man was thinking. It wasn't easy to deal with the fact that someone you cared about didn't' even remember you. Luke wasn't sure how to react to it himself and the truth was he couldn't…not until he knew that Noah was alright.
"This is all your fault," the colonel's voice intruded on his thoughts. "I'm not going to let you forget that."
"I am so not going to get into this with you right now," Luke retorted shaking his head in disbelief. "You believe what you want…how is he?" Luke asked as the doctor stepped out of the room.
"Noah will be fine," Dr. Hughes assured him, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Besides the memory loss, his injuries are healing perfectly. He's asking for you, Luke. Make sure he relaxes and I'm going to keep him here for one more night. Then you should be able to take him home.
"Thank you Bob," Luke said gratefully. He took a hold of the doctor's hands and squeezed them tightly. "I can't even begin to thank you for all your help these past few weeks. I know that Noah's in good hands…just as he has been with you all this time." He was momentarily shocked when the good doctor pulled him into a hug.
"You're a good man, Luke," He said when he pulled away to look at him. "I have known you for years, and you never cease to amaze me with your courage. Be strong now, because Noah is going to need you to get through this tough time. Now get in there. I have other patients to attend to, but for you my door is always open."
"Thanks again sir," Luke smiled before slipping past him. He could hear the Colonel talking to Bob as he entered Noah's room, but he didn't pay attention to what was being said. His focus was on the brunet lying peacefully in the bed. The vitals were calm now, and Noah seemed to be relaxed.
"I'm sorry about that, Luke," he said as Luke took the seat beside him.
"You don't have anything to apologize for, Noah. You didn't do anything wrong. Are you all right?"
"I think so," Noah frowned. "Who was that man? Did he say I was his son? And why is he so mad at you?"
Luke signed. He had been waiting for that inevitable question. "That was your dad," he said, trying to resist the urge to take Noah's hand. He couldn't very well do that if Noah didn't remember them. "Colonel Winston Mayer, and he…we don't always see eye to eye." He had to be careful with what he said here. he didn't want to influence Noah's memories or thoughts on anything. IF Noah was going to recover, it needed to be naturally.
"You mean I'm related to that guy"" Noah wrinkled his nose. "Are you kidding me?"
Luke couldn't help the smile that crossed his lips. "Yeah, I can't believe it sometimes myself. But you are indeed Noah Mayer, son of Winston and Charlene. I can't tell you much more than that though."
"How well do we know each other?" Noah asked curiously.
"You and me," Luke asked wistfully. "That is an interesting question-"
"With a complex answer," Noah finished, frowning when he saw the peculiar look on Luke's face. "What?"
"Nothing," Luke shook himself out of his reverie. "You just finished my sentence. You used to do that all the time." He sighed and tried to smile for Noah's sake. "But yes, it is rather complex. We've only known each other for eight months and-"
"It seems like much long than that," Noah said softly."
"Yeah," Luke expression was thoughtful as he looked into those sapphire eyes. It made him sad to think that Noah couldn't recall the moments they had shared. The last six months had been nothing short of tumultuous, but Luke had loved every moment of it. Even the awful stuff was bearable because they had each other.
"I didn't mean to make you cry."
Luke blinked and reached up to touch the wetness on his cheeks. "I'm sorry," He said quickly getting rid of the moisture. "I should not be thinking about myself right now. And you didn't make me cry, Noah. It's just been="
"Hard," Noah finished for him. "I don't know why I keep finishing your sentences, Luke. I just…I'm just so confused right now, but somehow you make sense. And if there is anything I can do for you to help…"
"Stop saying things like that before I fall in love with you…" Luke stopped as he realized what he had said and he wanted to scream at himself. How stupid was he to blurt that out like that? He felt idiotic and selfish all of a sudden. This just wasn't going to be easy. "I'm sorry," he said, averting his eyes from that gaze. "I shouldn't have said that."
"Were we…in…love?" Noah inquired hesitantly. "Is that how close we are?"
Luke was silent for a long moment as he tried to figure out what to tell him. On one hand, he couldn't tell him their history. Noah needed to remember that on his own. On the other hand, if he was going to take Noah home, Noah needed to know why that was the case…didn't he? Plus there was the obvious animosity between himself and the Colonel. Besides, telling Noah their relationship could maybe spark something…dare he hope for such a thing?
"Luke…answer me please?"
"We're married."
The words felt like a caress, both familiar and uncertain at the same time. Noah wasn't quite sure what he felt at hearing that. Though, it didn't seem wrong. "Married, huh," He smiled. "Wow, that's…"
"Amazing right?" Luke asked softly.
"Yeah," Noah agreed. "I…I wish I could remember you. I must've loved you a lot. Their eyes met for the briefest of moments, before Luke focused on the imaginary crease in Noah's blanket.
"Dr. Hughes said you could go home tomorrow. I have to pick up some clothes for you…from the apartment."
"You're leaving?" The sadness he heard in Noah's voice was enough to break Luke's heart.
"Only for a little while," Luke assured him. "I don't want to leave you Noah, but you need clothes."
"I feel….safer when you're here," Noah confessed. "I don't want to be alone."
Very gently Luke allowed his fingers to make contact with Noah's cheek. "You aren't alone, Noah," he breathed his voice trembling slightly. "I'm just afraid that if I stay in this room for one more moment I'll do something we'll both regret.
His fingers fell from Noah's face and he took a step back. "Will you at least wait until I go to sleep?" Noah asked, his fingers touching the spot where Luke's hand had just been.
"I can do that," Luke conceded.
"And you'll be here when I wake up?" Noah inquired.
"For as long as you want me to be." Luke sat by Noah's side and watched him until he fell asleep. He was just grateful that Noah was only sleeping this time, and that the next time he'd see him was just hours away. He closed his eyes and silently thanked God for giving him Noah back…and he prayed that the day would come when Noah would remember them and the love that they shared.
He was trembling as he entered the apartment. The emptiness hitting him hard like a brick. This was his home…Noah's home, and somehow he had to help his lover feel at home here. He just didn't know how he was going to do that.
The sound of the telephone broke through the quiet and Luke sighed as he went to answer it. A knot was forming in his stomach as he put the receiver to his ear. He didn't think he could take much more bad news. "Hello," he said hoping his voice sounded calm.
"There you are. I've been trying to get a hold of you. Did you forget to turn on your cell?"
"Dad?" Luke gasped and tried to swallow the sob that was caught in his throat. "I'm…I'm sorry I just got home, and I don't think I can deal with…what you told me. I just came to get clothes for Noah…"
"He's awake?" Luke could hear the relief in his father's voice and it only made him sadder.
"He woke up a few hours ago," Luke responded solemnly.
"What's wrong, son?"
Luke closed his eyes and collapsed on the couch. His dad's innate ability to know when he was upset was like a blanket he just wanted to wrap up in. "He's awake," he whispered, forcing himself to speak the truth…to make it real in his head. "But he doesn't remember me."
"Stay there," Holden said his voice calm and soothing as always. "I'm on my way."
The door was unlocked when Holden arrived and he found Luke sitting in the bedroom with his head down, a pile of clothes sitting beside him. Luke looked up when he saw the man in the doorway and immediately ran into his arms. He felt like a small child again, but he didn't care. He needed to feel his father's strength…he needed to let go.
He cried, as he related the story to Holden. He told him everything from those first moments when he realized Noah didn't even know himself, to the accusations the Colonel threw his way.
Holden listened to his son's words, and tried to comfort him the best he could. This was not going to be an easy situation, but he didn't doubt Luke could handle it. "You and Noah can get through this, Luke," he told his son once the well of tears had dried up.
"I want to believe that, Dad. But I don't know how to do this."
"You support Noah the best you can," Holden advised. "He is going to need you more than ever now. You said he feels safe with you, even though he doesn't remember you or your relationship. That's a very important thing, Luke. Some part of him remembers your connection, and you are probably the only one who can help reacquaint him with his life."
"Was it this hard when you couldn't remember?" Luke asked, rubbing at his red eyes.
Yes it was difficult. You were born during that time, in fact. It was very difficult for your mother, me and the family. You have an advantage your mother didn't though. Noah feels comfortable with you. Something about you is drawing him in. I think you will be the only one he trusts for awhile. You need to be strong for him Luke. Be his friend, be patient and don't push. And when you need to break down, son, you know I'm here for you."
"Thanks Dad, I know," Luke said wearily. His head was resting against his father's chest and he closed his eyes giving into exhaustion completely.
"What do you mean he was checked out?" Luke exclaimed, his fist clenching as he railed at the nurse in front of him. "Who gave the order for him to be released? And why wasn't I contacted?"
"I…I wasn't on duty, Mr. Snyder," the nurse stammered. "I was just told that the patient was discharged into his father's care."
"But he shouldn't have been," Luke sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He wished Alison was around but it was her day off, and James was with his father and Maddie…she was in class. He didn't want to call his dad again, and he knew he was going he was going about this all wrong. it wasn't the nurse's fault. "I'm sorry, Connie. I didn't mean to take it out on you. And haven't I told you time and time again to just call me Luke? Mr. Snyder just seems too formal around here. And besides that's my dad."
The nurse relaxed and allowed a smile to cross her lips. She liked Luke, and thought that his devotion to Noah Mayer was touching. She had overheard Luke's admission that he and Noah were married and she wished there was something she could do to help.
"I wish I could believe that, Connie," Luke frowned. Can I see the discharge papers please? I would imagine there are some things I need to know." The nurse nodded and told him she would get the doctor to explain everything to him. Luke collapsed into a chair and placed his head in his hands.
So many things were running through his head at the moment. The incompetency of the hospital staff notwithstanding, he was more concerned about Noah. It had been hard enough for Noah to wake up in the hospital not knowing anything. Now he would have to do it again, and he would be scared. Just thinking about it made Luke want to scream. How could the Colonel be so daft? This was certainly not the time to play the "save my son" game. Luke was sick of this nonsense.
What was worse was that now he had broken a promise. He wasn't going to be there when Noah woke up. Luke sighed and stood when he heard footsteps. He immediately lashed out at the doctor who stood before him. He briefly thought that his grandmother would have been proud of how he ranted abut not following protocol.
What seemed like hours later he was in his car headed for the Lakeview. He just knew that was where the Colonel had taken Noah. All he could think about was his poor husband waking up surrounded by strange things. He knew that was likely to happen, just about anywhere but…he sighed, letting that thought trail off. This was getting ridiculous.
"Where's Luke?" Noah felt like he had asked that question a million times already and his head was starting to hurt. "And where am I? Why am I here, and what do you want from me?" His voice was scratchy and he felt like he was about to lose it. He swallowed a couple of times, hoping that would help, but his entire mouth seemed so dry.
The man, who Luke had told him was his father, didn't seem like he wanted to answer any questions, and for some reason that scared him more than anything. He had hated waking up in another strange place…with Luke not there. It just didn't' make sense to him. "Why won't you tell me where Luke is?" he asked desperately.
"Because it would be best if you forgot about that boy," the man answered sternly. Noah furrowed his brow and watched warily as he was approached. Why would he say such a thing about Luke?
"Why," he said pausing to clear his throat again. "Would you say something like that? Confusion was clear on his face as he looked at the stranger. "Luke has been nothing but kind to me, and you shouldn't talk bad about him?"
"I am your father, Noah," the colonel snapped, but Noah wasn't fazed. "You will do what I say. That boy has done nothing but cloud your senses for months and I won't let him do it anymore."
"But he's my…husband," Noah said simply. The word sounded strange but right rolling off his tongue. He couldn't remember Luke at all, but there was just something about him that seemed natural. He wasn't expecting the slap across the face, or the flash of anger he saw in those eyes and he recoiled from it. "What is your problem," he exclaimed, holding his cheek as he distanced himself from the man.
"I will not have you uttering that sinful nonsense while you are under my roof," the Colonel demanded.
"Fine," Noah shot back. He paused once more to swallow. "As soon as Luke gets here, I'll leave. I don't remember you anyway and I doubt you had a right to take me out of the hospital."
"I am your father," The man repeated. "I have every right. And if I have anything to say about it you won't ever see that Snyder boy again."
Noah frowned as he tried to place the name Snyder. Who was he talking about? They had been talking about Luke a minute ago. Were Luke and this Snyder the same? He would have to ask Luke. He wished Luke was there at the moment.
"Why are you so mean," he asked the man who was supposed to be his father. "And what did Luke ever do to you?"
"That thing has been a thorn in my side since the day I met him," the Colonel spat angrily. "He's probably poisoned your mind against me already, and I'm not going to tolerate that."
"Actually," Noah said after a moment of tense silence, "Luke said the two of you don't always see eye to eye." His throat seemed to want to close up on him but he struggled to get the rest of his words out. "He…he didn't elaborate on that though. I imagine it has something to do with me, but I really don't know."
"I find it hard to believe that that's all he told you," the Colonel insisted. "He's always tried to make me out to be the bad guy. He's no good for you; you picked up a lot of bad habits from him."
A loud knock on the door stopped Noah from responding to the man's words.
"Colonel you better open this door right now, or I swear to God I'll break in."
"You want to add breaking and entering to your list of crimes," the Colonel sneered.
"Noah?" Luke called. "Are you okay? I'm sorry I wasn't there when you woke up."
Noah Glared at the Colonel and slowly tried to get up so he could let Luke in. His heart had skipped a beat at the sound of Luke's voice and he wondered if he was already starting to get a crush on the man. I'm coming, Luke," His voice rasped. "Just give me a minute."
"Noah, y ou shouldn't' be moving so much," Luke's voice was laced with worry.
"It's okay," Noah said clenching his teeth. "I can do it."
"Don't answer that door, son," the Colonel barked, even as Luke went to see if he could get the Master Key. There were perks to being the son of a hotel owner.
When he returned to the door he could hear the Colonel's loud voice, followed by Noah's softer het scratchy and stern retorts. He felt a sense of pride that Noah was standing up to his father, even if right now Noah didn't understand how important that was.
"Stay away from me," he heard Noah' yell as he opened the door. "I don't want you to touch me."
Luke gasped when he spotted Noah sitting in an awkward position on the floor. He glared at the Colonel and went over to kneel beside Noah. He ignored the Colonel's protests as he helped Noah to his feet. "Just lean on me, Noah. It will be okay."
"Where do you think you're taking him," the Colonel snapped.
"If I were you, sir, I'd quit while I was ahead," Luke challenged. "You had no right to take Noah out of the hospital. And you're lucky I'm not going to press charges. But if you ever do something like that again, I won't be so nice."
"Who do you think you are threatening me? You can't keep me away from my son."
"I'm not going to fight with you, Colonel," Luke sighed. "IF Noah chooses to see you that's his decision. Not yours and not mine. Right now though, I am going to take him home, and if you would like time with him, you will go about it the right way." Luke led Noah out of the room and away from the colonel, once again ignoring his tirade. He knew he would have to deal with the man later, but for now his concern was Noah.
"We live here?" Noah asked as Luke unlocked another door.
"No…" Luke responded even as he led Noah inside. "We're just borrowing this room for a moment.
"We can do that," Noah asked startled. He coughed as he tried once more to clear his throat. "Thank you," he said as Luke lowered him onto the bed. "I probably shouldn't be talking so much either. My voice sounds like its disappearing and my legs…"
Luke's finger touched Noah's lips to shush him, and he allowed it to stay there a moment longer than he should have. "You do need to rest your voice," he said keeping his tone neutral. "Your vocal chords aren't used to so much activity. And you shouldn't have been walking or trying to walk. Your legs aren't strong enough yet."
"I'm sorry," Noah frowned and Luke sat down beside him. "I didn't know…"
"You are not responsible for the things your father does," Luke soothed. "You'll just need a wheelchair for now, and your voice will come back gradually."
"My memory won't be that simple though, right?"
"The doctors seem hopeful that y our memory will return in time, Noah. There are exercises and tests that can be helpful but…it's up to you. I want you to remember, but I'm just glad you are awake for now. I was so scared and…"
"Lost?" Noah asked, his voice barely a whisper.
Luke nodded and forced himself to look away from those blue eyes. Getting lost in their depths was certainly not going to help him right now.
"This is weird," Noah sighed. Luke looked at him again, immediately noticing the perplexed frown etched across his features.
"What?" Luke asked.
"I feel like a blank book," Noah explained slowly. Like the story of me was erased or ripped into shreds of something…and I don't know how to find the pieces. Let alone put them together. And why are you smiling at me?"
"No reason," Luke responded softly. "YOU just never cease to amaze me."
"IF you say so," Noah said bashfully as he shrugged his shoulders. "What do we do now?"
"That's a very good question," Luke said thoughtfully. "Part of me wants to take you back to the hospital so that Dr. Hughes can check you out."
"But I'm fine, now that you are here," Noah insisted. "I just want to go wherever home is. And figure out things from there."
"Okay, then we can do that. I have everything you will need in the car…I even have the wheelchair, and I am grateful that we don't have to climb stairs to get to our apartment."
Noah opened up his mouth to speak but decided on a smile instead. Luke had said he needed to rest his voice. Luke helped him up once more and they left the hotel room. Luke sat him in a wheelchair when they reached the lobby and they headed out to what he presumed was Luke's vehicle. His eyes were trying to take in all the things around him. Nothing, not one single item sparked a memory and he felt a little disheartened.
"Here we are," he said as he wheeled Noah inside. "Home sweet home." He watched as Noah looked around curiously, as if he thought something would help him regain his memory in an instant. "Don't try so hard, Noah," Luke warned softly. "Your memories will come back…when they are meant to. I think for now though that we need to figure out the sleeping arrangements, and how things are going to be for the next few days."
"What do you mean?" Noah said turning to face Luke in his chair. He frowned, his voice still sounded weird even though Luke had made sure he had something to drink.
"Well, you may know the nature of our relationship," Luke explained, "but I don't want to confuse you or anything by being…to close. And I don't mind sleeping on the couch."
"NO Luke, I don't want to kick you out of…out of our bed."
"But you need it to heal," Luke insisted. He didn't know why he was making such a big deal about this. he and Noah weren't sleeping together…but he has clung to Noah for comfort in the days leading up to the accident. He couldn't do that now. Noah wouldn't be able to ward off his bad dreams. It was better if he moved back out to the couch…he would be able to keep an eye on Noah and also keep from wanting to wrap himself in Noah's strong arms.
"Are you sure?" Noah asked, pulling him back out of his thoughts. "I…I feel bad for causing so much trouble."
"IT's no trouble, Noah," Luke insisted. "I'd do just about anything for you. "We'll have to figure out a schedule for the days to come though. I am going to skip classes tomorrow…but next week I have to go back. And someone has to take you to your appointments."
"I have to go back to the hospital?"
"Dr. Hughes set up an appointment with a physical therapist…your…Colonel Mayer really shouldn't have taken you out of the hospital the way he did. There was a lot I needed to get straightened out when I got there"
Noah frowned. "He doesn't sound very nice. Does he always cause trouble for us?"
"That's a long story that we are not going to get into today. I will tell you that I only met the man in October…but," Luke shook his head letting that thought trail off. "I'm going to get you situated. I was told that you need to rest and let your body heal. I am sure that fall today didn't help…and if you feel any discomfort tell me, and I will get you back to the hospital okay?"
He felt tired all of a sudden, but he managed a nod as Luke helped him get ready for bed. It felt strange yet right for them to be this close and he wished he could remember something…anything about this man who wanted to take care of him. His eyelids were getting heavy, even before his head hit the pillow. Still he managed to look up at Luke, who was fixing his blankets and making sure he was comfortable. "Good Night Luke. Thank you for taking…" the rest of his sentence was lost as he was overcome with sleep.
Luke stood for the longest time just watching his husband sleep. It was a bittersweet moment for him. Suddenly he was thrown back into a world of uncertainty and this time he didn't know how to escape it. Noah was home, Noah was safe…and more importantly he was just sleeping this time, just sleeping and his eyes would open and Luke would be able to talk to him and have him answer back.
Yet it wouldn't be the same, and he knew it as sure as he knew his name. Noah didn't remember him. Noah didn't know the intricacies of their life together…Noah didn't know anything about his own life. Luke wasn't sure how to deal with it all. Things were a little more complicated and he wished he could talk to someone about it.
He hated to leave Noah alone, but he knew he needed to get out of there. He backed out of the room, closing the door enough to allow Noah privacy, but leaving it open enough that he could hear him if he woke up. He settled down on the couch and pulled out his cell phone. It was just after 5, but it seemed so much later to him. It had already been an extremely long day. He frowned when he realized he had missed a few calls.
Maddie, James, Ali, Aaron…his dad, there was even a call here from his mom. He had been so focused on Noah that he hadn't even stopped to think about telling everyone about the fact that Noah was awake. He didn't even want to deal with that at the moment. He turned off his cell phone and reached for the house phone instead. He dialed a familiar number and placed the receiver to his ear.
"Hey…you think you can come over. I'm at home and I just really could use some company."
"Thank you for coming," he said as he closed and locked the door. He turned to face his friend who was shrugging out of his coat.
"You sounded upset over the phone."
Luke opened his mouth to speak but realized he really didn't know how to answer that. He shook his head and bit his lip feeling uncertain about how to proceed.
"Luke?"
"I need a hug," Luke said even as he approached and wrapped his arms around the man who stood before him.
James was taken aback, but he wasted no time in offering Luke the comfort he needed. He hugged him back, holding on just enough to hopefully give Luke some comfort. He hated seeing his friend hurt like this.
"Now are you going to tell me what's wrong?" James asked as he handed Luke a glass of water. He had insisted that Luke relax and let someone else do something for him.
Luke sighed as he took a sip of water. it felt good sliding down his dry throat and he smiled gratefully at James who was no sitting on the far end of the couch. "Thank you, so much for…for just being here."
"What's wrong, Luke?" James asked, gently.
"I just didn't want to be alone," Luke admitted.
"But you aren't alone," James countered. "Isn't Noah in the other room?"
"He's sleeping," Luke replied. "He…he had a long day."
"When did he wake up?"
"Yesterday morning." Luke finished off his water and sat twirling the glass in his fingers. He still wouldn't look up at James.
"Is that why you missed class and our session?"
"I'm sorry James," Luke looked up and shook his head at his friend. "There was just so much going on, and everything slipped my mind when Noah opened his eyes. I just…my dad had given me bad news and then Noah woke up and then there was more bad news and then Noah's dad upset him and I was worried that something else was going to happen and…"
"Slow down Luke," James interrupted Luke's flow of words. "You aren't on trial here. I'm your friend, not a judge," he smiled to emphasize his words and was relieved when Luke seemed to relax. "That's better. Now slow down and tell me what happened."
"I don't know where to start?" Luke sighed. He placed the glass down on the table and ran a hand through his hair. Now that his hands were empty he found he didn't know what to do with them. He picked up one of the couch pillows and wrapped his arms around it, his chin resting on top as he closed his eyes for a moment.
"Don't worry about where to start. You sound like you really need to talk, and I'm here to listen. I'm sure by the time we're finished you will have said all you need to."
Luke took a moment to glance back at his bedroom door. He was tempted to check on Noah again, but thought against it. He would hear him if something was wrong…and getting up would only be avoiding the inevitable. He returned his gaze to James who was waiting patiently. "My parents are getting a divorce," he said his voice sounding monotone to his own ears.
"I'm sorry to hear that," James replied. "Was that the bad news you learned right before Noah woke up?"
"Part of it. I didn't even know they were separated."
"What was the other part?"
"My mom…she's having an affair."
"And how does that make you feel?"
There was a pause as Luke tried to articulate what he was feeling. There was a whole myriad of feelings coursing through him at that very moment. "I'm hurt," he said finally. "And, sad…angry, but not really surprised."
"How come?"
"Because it wouldn't be the first time my mom's had an affair," Luke replied squeezing the pillow tighter. "I…I should be used to this by now. I've seen them both through so many affairs, but they usually ended up back with each other."
"And you don't think that will happen this time?"
"She made a choice James," Luke exclaimed, fiercely throwing the pillow across the room. "She chose to be with him instead of our family. She chose someone else over…" he closed his eyes and clenched his fists, trying to control the torrent of emotion he was feeling. It didn't' seem to be working.
"Do you blame yourself for this, Luke? Do you somehow think that you caused it?"
Luke shook his head. "I don't think it's my fault this time. I just…Never mind James, it's dumb."
"Your feelings aren't dumb, Luke. Or stupid or any other adjective you come up with. They are reall and apparently you have felt them for a while. So tell me."
"I don't have a right to feel this way," Luke said exasperated. "I should not be this angry at her or this upset but I am. I am not a kid anymore; I should not feel like my mother left me."
"But you do," James said softly, realizing he had hit on something important. "You've felt abandoned by her time and time again. And that's why you didn't list her as one of the people you trust completely."
"Why do you always do that?" Luke asked breaking the silence that had fallen after James' statement.
"What did I do?"
"You get me to admit things, I don't' think I've ever admitted to anyone," he said softly. "I don't think my dad even gets it completely, and I've definitely never told Noah that."
"You should," James said thoughtfully. "You shouldn't be afraid to share anything with Noah. And if you ever do need someone to talk about things…abandonment issues are right up my alley."
Luke met those green eyes head on, and he was sure he saw sadness there. "That works both ways, okay James?"
James nodded. "Perhaps one day I will take you up on that, but for now…can you tell me what else is wrong? You said there was more bad news…something about Noah?"
"Noah has amnesia."
"Oh," James said taken completely by surprise. He could have thought of many things that would be worrying Luke right now…and Noah possibly having amnesia had not been one of them. "He doesn't remember you?"
"He doesn't remember anything," Luke clarified. "Not even himself, his father and especially me." Luke frowned. "Though for some reason he can finish my sentences and he gets very protective of me pretty quickly. But he doesn't remember us…James. He doesn't recall falling in love with me, and any of the moments that we've shared, or the fact that he proposed to me in Las Vegas...Though I did tell him we were married."
"And he doesn't remember what happened to you," James supplied when Luke fell silent.
"Yeah…and since he doesn't remember that, I'm back to sleeping on the couch. I don't know what to do, James. Noah's amnesia; puts our entire world in a tailspin. I mean he can't work right now. I've got school and somehow I have to find a job so that we can have some money coming in until he gets back on his feet again."
"You worry too much," James stated lightly. "I think right now you need to focus on what you can control."
"I don't know what that is though?" Luke admitted. "I mean what if he never remembers? What if he is stuck in this place where he has to learn everything all over again? And what if his dad tries to convince him that he doesn't belong here with me? What if despite the fact that I have the right to be Noah's number 1 the Colonel finds some way to go against me? I don't want to lose Noah. I can't lose him, James. Do you get that?"
"Noah's father is a jerk," James pointed out firmly. "But he can't take Noah away from you. And you said yourself that Noah feels like he is connected to you somehow. He trusts you, Luke. Not his father, and that's very important to remember here. You are the one Noah turns to. You will be the one he seeks out for advice and answers. That's all you. And you know, he fell in love with you once, who's to say it couldn't happen again."
"Thank you, James. I needed to hear that."
"And you need to let your family and friends help you," James continued. "You aren't alone here, Luke. Let us help you with Noah. Perhaps between your dad and me we can help get Noah to his doctor's appointments and such. And I know your family is huge. Don't be afraid to learn on them. And you know Maddie and I are here for you. You are allowed to ask for help, Luke. There is no shame in that.
"Maddie," Luke sighed. "Yet another person I have to tell. "
"Tomorrow, Luke," James said smiling at his friend. "You can do all of that tomorrow. Right now you need to focus on Noah and take care of yourself."
"Okay," Luke said letting out a heavy sigh.
"And the next time you feel overwhelmed, don't hesitate to call me."
"You might regret that," Luke said managing a laugh.
"I doubt it," James said thoughtfully. "I'm going to leave you to get some sleep now, though. And don't worry about class, I will cover you, and bring any homework over tomorrow. Today will satisfy as your session so you have the whole day to focus on Noah. He needs you more than anything or anyone right now."
Luke hogged James good bye, and thanked him again for being such a great friend. He promised that he would talk to Maddie in the morning and swore he wouldn't back out of another session. He locked the door behind his friend and leaned against it for a moment, his eyes closed as he tried to control his breathing. This would be the first official night back at the apartment, and once again he would be on the couch. He didn't tell James, but he was terrified that he'd be bombarded with thoughts of what happened three months ago.
"I can do this," he said pushing away from the door. "It's going to be okay…I'm stronger than him. I'm stronger." He tried repeating that mantra as he returned to the bedroom to change into his pajamas. He grabbed a blanket and a pillow and after checking On Noah once more, he headed for the living room.
It had been a long day. Tomorrow was likely to be even longer, but for now he wanted to close his eyes and think about his husband who was lying in the next room. He wanted to dream about the day that Noah would remember him and everything about their life together. He wanted to be rested and ready for whatever new challenges tomorrow would bring. But as he drifted off into the land of sleep, he had a feeling that what he wanted was impossible.