Chapter 21: Awoken

It was evening when he woke, stiff and cold upon the forest floor. He was disoriented and sore from the migraine; yet surprisingly comfortable on the rough ground. Coughing slightly as he spit out the bit of dirt he had inhaled while asleep, John rose slowly and precariously, still a bit wobbly in the knees from the shock of the experience.

Glancing around at his surroundings, the man realized he was at the edge of the woods. John walked cautiously to the forest's end, where trees met grass, and looked out upon the lonesome prairie before him.

Long fields of wild grass waved back at him as the wind brushed against the grain, making it dance in the moonlight. The landscape was so serene, so peaceful; and yet John couldn't help but feel that something more happened here...that something greater, or more horrible, occurred on these rolling hills.

The terrified men, the raining of bullets; the crying, the crashing, the burning…

He held his head as both pain and images entered his mind. Despite the torture he was forced to endure, he longed for it to continue. "Please...no...I have to...I have to remember..."

John looked up again at the landscape. But this time, he saw the 'beauty', not of nature, but of war.

The hills were stained red with blood. Thousands lay dead. Thousands more, awaited death.

The roar of the cannons deafened the cries of misery, while men and boys battled for their lives.

Then, there was one boy, one death, one painstaking cry for help…

Down…

Down…

Down…

Blackness stole the senses…

…and from the depths of the dark abyss, came the figure…came the woman…came his love…

"Come back to me…you promised…come back…"

"MICHAELA!" His scream pierced the night's serenity.

The man panted heavily, drowning out his echoed cry. Once again the blinding light had left him only with more confusion; and this time, a faceless name…

August 5, 1863

It had been a week since Michaela had seen or heard from Daniel, following their awkwardly handled moment.

Colleen, for one, was thrilled; and she made a fairly large point of displaying her approval of his retraction in the days which ensued. Unbeknownst to Michaela, she had watched the final encounter between the two as she sat, quietly, at the top of the stairs. Peering through the banister, Colleen saw the look of humiliation and confusion painted across Michaela's tired face, and in that moment, she had wanted nothing more than to throw Daniel out the door, and protect her new mother from anymore heart break. Luckily for Daniel, he had thrown himself out, but unfortunately, the weight of his impact had been left on Michaela's shoulders.

Michaela, although substantially better than she had been in the weeks immediately following Sully's death, still acted distant and out of touch with her children. She knew it as well; she felt herself remain in constant modes of reverie and dream, unable at times to recall what was real, and what was, simply, her mind playing tricks on her.

Now her thoughts had turned from only Sully, to both Sully and the confused mess between her and Daniel. It had been a mistake allowing herself to, even for a second, feel close to Daniel; she had led him on, making him believe that she too was ready for…something. She was not. She was grieving, and she wanted to pretend for just a moment that she could feel love's embrace again. What she failed to recall was that she truly wished for true-love's embrace; and as most momentary decisions conclude, Michaela realized she had made a horrible mistake. One that she would not be able to forget or overcome in the near future.

The trio sat at the table, quietly eating their breakfast. Michaela had barely spoken that morning, and the children knew that it was sure to be long day ahead.

"Your eggs are gettin' a lot better Dr. Mike…they aren't runny at all this morning!" Colleen said in an over-exuberant tone, as she forced her fork into the crispy, blackened egg.

Michaela just nodded and gave the girl a weak smile before gazing back down at her plate, picking at the untouched omelet with the tip of her fork. "Thank you…"

Silence fell upon the table again, only interrupted by Katie's occasional gurgles emanating from the baby-basket in which she lay. Hearing the sweet cries, Michaela removed herself from the table, leaving her virtually untouched breakfast for all eyes to see.

"…Hey Ma, can I go fishin' with Steven today?" Brian broke the hushed dissonance.

"Brian! No…I need your help with all the barn work…and ya promised you'd finally clean out the chicken coop!" Colleen answered for Michaela, looking sternly at the boy, willing him to shut up.

"But Ma...!"

Colleen tried again to silence her brother, pinching him on the arm. "Brian!"

"Ouch! Ma!"

"Children!" Michaela finally answered exasperatingly. Sighing, as she bent down to pick up Katie, Michaela counted quietly to ten, before continuing. "…Now I need you to follow your sister's instructions, although you may not have realized it, I am aware that your sister asked you two days ago to clean out the chicken coop. Colleen, please be kinder to your brother…he's not going to oblige your requests if you are constantly harassing him…"

"But Dr. Mike, I…"

"Colleen I know you mean well…but truly today, I need your help to ensure things get done while I'm gone…"

A moment of silence followed her remark, as Colleen and Brian glanced worriedly at each other. "Uh…Dr. Mike…where…where are ya goin'?" Michaela was busy putting on Katie's baby bonnet, and at first Colleen thought that she hadn't heard the question. "…Dr. Mike?"

"…I'm going to town today Colleen…it's time I resume my responsibilities to this town and its citizens..." Michaela trailed off.

"…What…"

"A farmer doesn't stop planting his crop simply because some tragedy occurred…he is forced to move on, for the good of his family, and himself…" A single tear trailed down her face, but Michaela was quick to brush it away. "…I need to get back to my practice…I can't have Jake treating my patients forever…we'd have an epidemic on our hands right there…" Michaela joked softly, turning to face Colleen's worried face with a slight smile.

Colleen hesitantly returned the smile, still concerned. "Dr. Mike….are ya sure? I mean, I've been to town, and no one's judgin' ya or nothin'…"

"I'm sure Colleen…this isn't about judging…this is about healing…and I'd really like to get back to my work…" Michaela spoke quietly, yet purposefully; patting Colleen lightly on the back as she strode past her to the opposite side of the room. There, she slowly brought her hand up to graze across the black, leather bag. It had been such a simple, everyday object in the previous years, and yet now, after her world had crashed so violently beneath her, the object that had remained constant soon became her saving grace. Forcing back the tears that swelled in her eyes, Michaela wrapped her hand firmly around the handle, feeling the power of confidence running through her veins once again. She turned towards the children, presenting them with something that had for so long been missing from their lives; a true, honest smile.

Michaela walked towards the door, Katie in one arm, bag in the other, pausing when she reached it, only to say, "I'll be back by dinner…and please, try to get along while I'm gone…"

"Yes, Ma'am" The children said in unison, smiling back at their mother.

July 30th, 1863

The cool, twilight air brushed across his tan skin, forcing bumps of chill to emerge upon the exposed flesh. He paid it no mind, however, as his thoughts were far too concentrated on a different matter.

He had seen her eyes, he had seen her figure…Hazel, with golden flecks, sparkling like sunrays seeping through a forest canopy; slender and petite, yet forceful when she walked, powerful and courageous.

Hay crackled beneath a foot, and the man knew he was not alone.

She had searched for hours for him, and was sure that something dramatic must have befallen him. Tears raced down her cheeks as she saw him facing away from her.

Silence ran between them, chilling and disheartening.

Suddenly, he rotated and stepped towards her, heart racing, nerves tingling. He wanted to know…he needed to know. "Is it you? Was it you?"

She shuddered. It was now…it had come. She could not feel. Her spirit was in his hands. It was his actions now that would now break it. "What does your heart tell you?"

He stopped cold. Did he want to know? Did he truly want to plunge that deep? Was he ready to dismiss all he knew for a life of possibly nothing? "Who is she?"

Her heart broke. "I don't know…"

"Don't lie to me!"

"No, I truly don't know, John…"

"NEVER call me that! That name means nothing to me…it never belonged to me…nothing I know does!"

"I'm…I'm so sorry…"

"Like hell you are! You've taken advantage of me…when I had nothing!"

"No…no, no, no….I'm so, so, sorry…"

He clenched his jaw, anger and frustration rippling like wildfire through his veins; he was no one. Without identity, without purpose, without life. Violently, he sought out an escape for his rage by means of a post, smashing his fist into it with all his might. "Awghe…"

He succeeded in only extending the pain from his heart to his hand, as blood oozed from the injured knuckles.

Gasping softly, Carmen quickly retrieved a wet cloth from the barn's crate and a bottle of whiskey. "Here…"

He pulled away, looking menacingly at her.

"Please! Let me help…"

"You've done plenty…" He laughed bitterly.

Sighing softly, Carmen grabbed his arm, quickly dosing it with alcohol, causing him to wince. "…You can't just expect that to heal without infection…"

The, now nameless, man let out an angered breath, yet allowed the woman to continue to disinfect and wrap his hand.

"Despite what you might think of me…I have always cared for you…"

He laughed, choking back the bitterness that threatened to erupt again.

"…That doesn't mean I in any way expect you to forgive me now or ever…what I did was…it was beyond contemplation, beyond selfishness, beyond any understanding that exists in this world…" Carmen spoke from the bottom of her heart, calmly through her silent tears. "…If I could, I'd spend the rest of my life apologizing to you… all the while knowing that it would never make up for what awful things I've done to you…"

Her hazel eyes met with his, and he knew that she spoke the complete truth…every word.

Turning over his hand, Carmen wrapped the injured knuckles with the cloth. "…I only ask that before you leave…you say good-bye to Katherine…" Her eyes met his again. "…She's innocent of everything…everything, except seeing what was already inside you…a father…"

Seeing the look of confusion plastered on his face, she continued. "…I could tell…from the moment you laid eyes on Katherine…somewhere you do have a family waiting…and I hope and pray to God that you do find them…they need you…and I…I apologize to them with all of my heart and soul as well…I…." Carmen broke down, utterly ashamed and humiliated with herself.

Despite the anger and resentment he felt in his gut, the man could not help but pity her now; for her life was possibly not so different from his true wife's. Not so long ago, this woman had kissed her husband good-bye, relying on his promise of returning to fuel her will to live. Her hopes and dreams had soon been lost to a single piece of metal…her fuel gone, her life shattered; left to care for the farm and child…alone. She'd long lost her heart to the grayness of the prairie land, and with it, she lost her spirit and perhaps a bit of her sanity. While this didn't make up for, or excuse her mistakes, it did provide a sense of understanding to the man.

Nodding, he spoke gruffly. "Carmen…I do not think that I could forgive you now…fully that is…"

"I…I don't expect…" she stuttered through her tears.

"Please…let me finish…" He spoke quietly, allowing a moment of silence to prevail before speaking again. "…I will someday…someday soon I think…and I will contact you when that happens…you deserve to know…"

Carmen shook her head. "I deserve to have my life taken from me…"

"No…no one deserves that; I'll be the first to tell you. And besides, your life was taken from you, long ago, when your husband left for war…which is why I understand now…I'd do anything to get my life back…anything…" He turned away from her, towards the open door. But before he walked through it, the man paused, never looking back, only ahead. "No one will know anything that happened…I'll leave you with that promise…"

And then he left with the wind. Carmen stood, dumbstruck, staring at the place where his eyes had once lingered. Never had she been shown such kindness, never had she witnessed that level of understanding despite the situation at hand. He had been an angel…she had met, lived with, and loved an angel…and now she was to continue her life…to create a better life…to live not in bleakness, but in hope.

Hey thanks to everyone who has been reviewing, I REALLY appreciate it! Unfortunately, the numbers of those reviewing have remained quite low, so I'm assuming that the number of people reading in general is quite low. Considering the time it takes to upload the chapter, and then have to go through and reformat things on fanfic (dot) net, it would take a lot less time to just email it to people. So therefore I'm considering just emailing the final chapters to people who review…I know it seems harsh but honestly, it's been a huge ordeal to even try and complete this story…I think Renny is the only one who knows the full story, and I would hope she could account for the difficulties I've had to face simply to get onto the computer. I certainly don't want pity points and I'm really not trying to nag or act whiney, I would simply appreciate some reviews so that I know my story is in fact being read. So, not meant as a threat, simply a consequence, unless I get more reviews, I'm just going to be emailing the final chapters to the following people: Renny, Lynn, Ash, Maria, (Kruemi, Lindsey - once I complete the entire story, I'll send you them since you said you were waiting), Reader101, and LS. Thank you all for reading!