21.
When the Orc stepped in the longhouse, Sura's knees almost gave up. Her breathing became irregular and her hands began to tremble. She couldn't look at him. She grabbed Janessa's hand and moved behind her.
She knew it wasn't him. And still, he lurked around every corner, inside every man, waiting behind every door. She saw him everywhere she looked. People around her seemed to think that she should begin to forget already. She should begin to recover. It wasn't healthy to wallow in your own sorrows that much. Everyone went through hard times every now and then, but they moved on and forgot. As the days passed and the warm summer winds swept across the city she learned to hide her real feelings. Her fear didn't leave her, her dreams didn't leave her. He didn't leave her. But when she realized that everyone wanted and waited for her to get better and to forget, she began to pretend. She smiled a little more, she took care of herself, she ate and tried to sleep. Of course, she didn't sleep and most of the time she threw up everything she ate and her smile was just a mask she wore whenever she was forced to leave her room. And she saw how they all were silently relieved. She didn't know did Janessa believe her, but the Dunmer remained quiet.
When she was alone - late in the evening when she couldn't close her eyes when she only stared at the wall and relived the nightmare over and over again - only then she allowed her hands to tremble and the tears to fall. During the days she walked around the reach and squeezed her hands together so that no one saw how much she wanted to run away and hide. She was still terrified of the guards no matter how many times Janessa ordered them to remove their helmets. Eventually, the news reached the Jarls and after some consideration, he ordered them to wear open helmets so that their faces were visible. It helped but not much. They were all still men.
On that day her nightmare materialized before her very eyes. The Orc walked to the Jarl, bowed and presented himself. He was the bodyguard of three Bards who came from Solitude, from the Bards College. Jarl Elisif the Fair wanted to congratulate his friend - Jarl Balgruuf - on his birthday. As the bards entered the reach, the Jarl stood up from his chair and glanced at the Orc.
"As if this is the time for any kind of celebration!" he huffed.
"Jarl Elisif assumed you would say that," the Orc replied. "She asked me to tell you that even among all the sorrow and sadness, there should at least be some happiness in our lives. Celebration for life amongst all the death reminds us what is important. What we are all fighting for."
"It is not only war that threatens us," Jarl Balgruuf continued, still not convinced.
"You are right, my Jarl," the Orc bowed. "Elisif the Fair has also heard of the dragons. But there is hope, she said. She knows of the Dragonborn. When we have such a hero among us, isn't there at least one more reason to celebrate."
"A hero, indeed," Jarl Balgruuf muttered and rubbed his forehead. "Very well. What are your orders, Orsimer?"
"Jarl Elisif sent these Bards to entertain you," the Orc answered. "She was regretful for not being able to attend the celebration herself. My duty was to get them here safely."
"A birthday party," Jarl Balgruuf sighed. "What nonsense. But very well, Elisif is right. We shouldn't concentrate only on the bad things. Proventus!" the Jarl turned towards his Steward. "When exactly is this tremendous day?"
"The day after tomorrow, my Jarl," Proventus Avenicci replied.
"I'll leave all the details to you then," the Jarl said.
"Very well, my Jarl," Proventus bowed. "I will do as you have instructed."
A celebration? Sura thought and immediately felt distressed. So many people here. It would be easy for him to blend in with the crowd. I can't be here then. I can't. I can't! Buried deep in her thoughts, she didn't notice the Jarl as he approached her. His presence, his shadow nearly made her jump, to run away and hide but she raised her eyes to look at him and once again forced her fear somewhere deep inside. It bounced like a ball inside her, fighting to get out, hoping to find some small crack from where to escape and she had to keep swallowing in order to hear what he said.
"So, it seems we must have a party then," the Jarl smiled. "I would like to see you smile and have fun that night. To forget what's happened to you and start enjoying your life again. I'm sure Proventus will add the Companions to the list. I'm told there is someone rather special among them that you might want to meet."
"I'll try," Sura murmured but that was all she could say. The thought that she would have to see Vilkas, face him, maybe even talk to him, made her feel even worse. Why would he want to look at me anymore? she thought. Now that I'm...destroyed and spoiled. Damaged. Damaged goods.
The Jarl brushed her shoulder and his soft touch made her wince. She clenched her hands into tight fists and her claws dig into her palms. The Jarl smiled at her reassuringly, turned and headed upstairs but she couldn't move. The Orc was still at the longhouse. And as long as he was there, she wouldn't be able to walk.
Janessa saw her reaction and once again she wrapped her arms around her shoulder and guided her forward. When they passed him, she was sure she would either faint or scream. Probably do both at the same time. Keep it in! she told herself. It's not him! It's not him! He is dead!
A few hours later Janessa left to visit the blacksmith. Apparently, she had an appointment with Adrianne. Her sword was in desperate need of repairs, the hilt was loosening and the blade had some nasty cracks in it. Now that she had some gold, she was able to get it fixed. As Janessa left Sura sat at her bed and wrapped her arms around her legs. She didn't feel comfortable about the party. Well, that was no surprise. She didn't feel comfortable about anything these days. But what made it worse. The Companions were coming. Vilkas was coming...
Don't think about that yet, she commanded herself. You still have a couple of days to get used to the idea of seeing him again. She was, of course, told that J'Ziir came after her in Mistwatch. So did Vilkas, Farkas, and Lydia. And yet she had no way of thanking them all. Words weren't enough. And now she lived in this twisted situation where she'd rather be dead than alive, live this kind of life, when memories and false images followed her around, haunted her and tormented her.
When was the last time I saw him? …when was the last time? The kiss. That she remembered. And the embarrassing letter she left behind. Those made her cringe even more. Writing those words made everything seem so utterly insane.
But she remembered how that kiss made her feel. What it was like having him so close and feeling his arms and his touch. His scent. She almost buried those feelings because she was so engulfed by her horrible memories. There are some good things in this life, she tried on encourage herself. You just need to remember those moments. Just hold on to those moments, don't let them be buried and forgotten.
She glanced towards her little chest. She hadn't opened that in ages but it didn't contain much anyway. The first dagger she made in Skyforge which was dull and useless and kind of ugly too. Couple of potions, some moonstone chunks, a useless fragment of a soul gem and the blue sapphire which she and Lydia had found in their last adventure.
One blue, small dress and an ugly, dirty stuffed rabbit.
The rabbit she had discarded, she didn't like the way it looked. With its other eye missing and left ear almost torn it looked sad and depressing. She was afraid of the memories it might bring up. She wanted to know about her past and yet she was afraid to look too closely. She had buried the rabbit deep in her chest, under the dress and she never took it out.
But her dress. It was the one she had been wearing when they found her. Lydia, Lydia's kind mother, Hrongar, and the Jarl. She didn't know who bought it for her or where she got it from. Maybe someone made it. It was a simple blue dress decorated with small white flowers. When she came to Dragonsreach all those years ago, she used to hold it and carry it with her almost everywhere, hoping that it would unlock her memories and tell her where she came from. But that never happened. Still, it remained as a comfort, a fond memory that someone, somewhere had loved and cared for her.
She stood, walked to the chest and opened it slowly. She felt the thin, worn fabric underneath her fingers and she took it out. The rabbit lay underneath it, its face turned against the floor. She didn't remember that the dress was still so dirty. Of course, she thought. You didn't want to wash it. You thought it had some magic that would disappear if it was clean. That washing it washed away the faint traces of any memories that linger with it. The blue fabric was filled with big brown spots and it smelled old and decayed. She moved her hands through the hem and caressed it gently.
"Where'd you get that drag from? It's ugly!"
"It's not ugly! It's pretty! Br…f bought it for me! He said it looks n…e!"
She was startled by the voices in her head. They were light and clear, children's voices. The boy spoke teasingly and mockingly like he didn't really mean what he said and the little girl answered back with fearsome stubbornness. She looked at the dress and pressed her cheek against the soft cloth and smiled. Everything bad and horrible faded away, for just a moment. I might remember more, if I try harder, I might remember.
Her thoughts were interrupted by loud noises coming from the longhouse. At first, she didn't understand what was going on but then she clearly heard Lydia's voice. She was happy that Lydia came back safely and alright. She and J'Ziir had been away over two weeks and no one in Dragonsreach or in Whiterun knew exactly where they were.
Sura walked to the door. Janessa wasn't here so she was more nervous than usual to go out by herself. But it was Lydia out there, she wouldn't let anything bad happen to her. She squeezed the dirty dress in her hand and it gave her some strength. Nothing to be afraid of. It was just Lydia, the Jarl and maybe Hrongar. All familiar people, her friends, and her family. Her breathing became irregular but she forced herself to walk out of the door. Farengar wasn't in his workroom and quietly she sneaked across the room and to the big doors that lead to the longhouse. The Jarl was sitting at his chair, Lydia stood before him and her Thane leaned casually against one of the tables. He looked more than bored.
"I'm glad you two have returned safely," the Jarl said. "If I understand correctly, you went to High Hrothgar," he looked at J'Ziir. "And they Greybeards confirmed that you are the Dragonborn, isn't that right?"
"It seems so," J'Ziir nodded. "Unfortunately."
"Well, then we have one more reason to celebrate," the Jarl smiled. "You are both, of course, welcome to the party we are arranging."
"A party?" J'Ziir yawned. "Are you serious?"
"You are right, Dragonborn," the Jarl agreed. "But the people of Whiterun need a reminder that there is something good in this life, more than constant war and death. And many of them wish to celebrate my birthday. Who am I to stop them? And I can imagine that there are many, many people who wish to meet and to speak with the famous Dragonborn."
"Just count me out them," J'Ziir stated. "I'm not one of the entertainers."
"Of course you are coming!" Lydia turned to him. "Naturally we will both attend. I'll make sure of that."
Much to Sura's surprise the male Khajiit only shrugged his shoulders and leaned back. Something had changed in him, he seemed more relaxed and comfortable around Lydia, and around other people. He wasn't that angry or hateful anymore. Was he actually listening to Lydia? And Sura wondered how Lydia dared to talk back like that?
"Now, how is Sura doing?" Lydia asked that Jarl.
"I would like to believe she's better," the Jarl sighed. "But she is still very scared even though she tries to hide her feelings. Janessa's presence is good for her, she tries her best to encourage her. But we all know this is a slow process."
Sura felt more than guilty and she lowered her gaze. They had all seen through her pretense. They had all understood her real feelings even when she tried her best to pretend that nothing was wrong. That everything had been forgotten and buried. She swallowed and raised her eyes.
The Dragonborn stared right at her. There was no anger in his eyes, just curiosity…and perhaps even some sympathy. He raised his other eyebrow like he was thinking of something. Maybe walking to her, maybe even saying something. What is he thinking? Sura thought. Why is he looking at me like that? After what happened in Mistwatch, she had always felt nervous and scared when someone - when a man - looked at her. But surprisingly his gaze didn't make her feel uncomfortable. There was something there...something reached out to her. Something warm and familiar. She couldn't understand it, but simply his gaze made her beating heart calm down. She walked to the hall and circled the table. Lydia heard her steps, turned around and smiled.
"Sura!" she rushed to her and hugged her. "It's good to you see again. You look so much better."
"Hey, Lydia," she greeted. J'Ziir averted his eyes but she was surprised by her emotions. What just happened? She felt like she didn't come out willingly. She felt like something pushed her, gently and slowly.
She was still holding on to the dress and his eyes found it. It was squeezed into her hand, but the fabric, the color, and the small white flowers were very, very familiar. Eerily so. A little girl ran past his memories, laughing and giggling and he ran after her.
"It's not ugly! He said it looks nice! He is much nicer than you, J'Ziir!"
"That's because he wants to flatter you, you little idiot!"
"What does flatter mean?"
"He wants to praise you,…"
"…to make you feel important", he whispered to himself. "You little idiot."
"Who are you calling an idiot?" Lydia frowned at him. "I told you to forget about that mess with the troll already. I said I wasn't prepared!"
"To make you feel important." Sura blinked her eyes and gasped. Those sounded like words someone had said to her at one point in her life. She could almost remember what she replied. Could she? The words were right there, hanging so close she could almost reach them. The Dragonborn rolled his eyes, shoved Lydia aside and strolled out of the reach. Lydia didn't bother to run after him, she knew better.
"That's because…I am important", Sura muttered quietly.