A/N: So, I'm posting this now. Thought it would be nice to have something posted before I head out to NYC Comiccon with my friend and fellow author AmethystFlame. I'll post a link to her Bucky/Oc fic here and you should check it out! Love love love it.

I'm not generally a very sensitive person, but sweet baby Jesus there's a part in this chapter that tears me up a little, only a little, but still. Let's see if you all can figure out what spot that is lol.

Big thank you to everyone reading, leaving likes, kudos, bookmarking, faving and commenting on this. All of our little chit chats in pms and comments are always great and I appreciate everyone one of you, even those who just stop in to read ;)

As always, R&R and enjoy!

Hey btw, you can find me on tumblr vamporchid. Tumblr and I did a thing, want to know what I see in my mind's eye when I'm writing this fic www. Canva design / DAB-5yBeJ9w /view I put together images of how I picture things would look. Hope that's fun for you all to look at.

Disclaimer: I own nothing accept Chrissy and my ideas. The rest belongs to Marvel/Disney.

Chapter 21: Wayward Sons

The sun is setting when Chrissy finds Steve. Sitting on the wooden fence, the Captain watchs the horses as they run around in the snow covered field. It's serene and peaceful, yet he still feels so tense. A warm breath leaves him in a puff of white mist.

"Hey." Chrissy straddles the fence and sits beside him. "You've been quiet."

"Have I?" The Captain shakes his head and continues to stare at the animals. Shoulders and posture slumped forward, he looks burnt out and worn.

Chrissy pulls her jacket in closer when a breeze picks up. The cool air turning the tip of her nose and cheeks pink. "Do you remember the first few weeks you spent here?" She asks while smiling fondly at the memory. Steve had been so withdrawn when Tony had first showed up with him.

"Yeah."

Steve had been having nightmares and troubles adjusting to the new world around him, even though he'd been brought out of the ice almost a year prior. Regrets, guilt and shame. The faces of friends and loved ones that he'd never see again. Long gone.

Many nights he'd wake in a cold sweat. The train, the plane, Bucky, Peggy, his men. So many were gone. He had let them down.

"I remember." He answers happily. Chrissy didn't push, but eventually he had opened up to her and Connor. There was something about this place that Sam just couldn't offer. And Sam's friendship is one of those things that Steve wouldn't trade for the world. "Is there a point to this?" He questions knowing full well that this woman always has a reason to saying and doing the things that she does.

"I know it's hard. But you need to try and let go of some of that guilt." He knows exactly what she's talking about.

A shaky breath escapes his lips, leaving another trail of white mist in the air. Steve nods quickly. "I know...I just don't know how."

"Maybe talk to Bucky. Tell him what's on your mind…"

The Captain jumps down from his spot and paces. "How could he ever forgive me?" He's almost shouting. Chrissy knows he's angry with himself and not her.

Tucking her scarf in around her neck and rubbing her hands together, Chrissy tries to offer in words. "Steve. You were only doing something he asked you to. It was just bad timing...it's not your fault…"

"Are you sure about that?!" He can feel moisture in his eyes. What the hell? "Buck wouldn't have fell if he wouldn't have been on that damn train. But I just needed my best Soldier with me. I was so busy trying to save the world... that it didn't even occur to me that he was struggling every day with the torture they had put him through." A small grunt of frustration as he tilts his head back, wanting to shout, choosing not to.

Hands on his hips, Steve's pacing become more frantic. The sounds of wind and wheels running on train tracks, he can hear it all as if it's happening all over again. "He fell...and it was so high. There shouldn't have been a way for him to survive. And we never looked for his...he shouldn't have survived. I should have looked... And I should have known what they did to him during all that time. He never talked much about the incident. But he asked me a bunch of questions, at random times. All clues. He was terrified that they did something to change him...like Schmidt." Steve runs a hand over his mouth and shuts his eyes for a brief moment. Remembering the wild look in Buck's eyes the day that mask fell off. "That day in Washington...when I saw him. After all those years. And he looked at me…It's like I was being punished. Right then it clicked. I knew what they had done to him so long ago. That's why he survived that fall. That's why he was standing right there."

Wiping his palms on his thighs, the Captain tries to calm his nerves. "The look on his face the other day...Those triggers. Those words. He actually thought I that I was going to...It was actual torture for him, for me. I was breaking him apart, piece by piece. Even though it didn't work. He thought…" Steve can't finish. The only thing leaving his lips now is a deep sigh. Disgust. Stomach twists in knots.

Chrissy hasn't said a word. Shivering, she continues to sit there and listen to him.

"Tell me. Knowing I could have probably prevented all of this. Do you think he'd forgive any of it?" He asks staring up at the sky.

Chrissy shifts and then slides off from her spot. "Don't know. Maybe, maybe not. I do think that he understands, to some degree. But you need closure and you need to tell him these things. I think it's the guilt and the not knowing that's eating away at you. After all these years of not knowing. Of not being able to talk to him and really find out, you have the chance to now. Bucky's here. He's alive. The one link to your life before all of this. You really should speak with him." The woman pockets her hands and turns to head back towards the house. "And Steve...this avoiding him thing...he's noticed. He hasn't said anything. But I know he's noticed. If you continue going on like this...well he's going to start thinking that he did something wrong. Bucky's confused enough as it is."

"You're right...I'll talk to him." He promises. "I...thanks Chris."

"Yeah...anytime." She snickers. "And Steve." Chrissy regards him with soft eyes. "I love you. No matter how crazy things will ever get. Don't ever doubt that I still care for you, ok." She smiles thoughtfully. "I know I was a bit harsh with you the other day. I'm sorry."

"It's alright. I deserved it. Think I just wanted it over with." Steve grunts out. "It's the look of betrayal on his face…" The Captain leans forward and grips the wooden fence. "I think...I need sometime away. That was harder for me than I thought it would be. I'm going to head back to New York tomorrow. I think it's best for now. Give him a bit of space and some time with you. See if that helps."

"Alright." Chrissy sighs, not really wanting him to go anywhere. "I understand."

"I'll check in everyday and see how he's doing."

"Figured I'd find you here." The Captain leans against the wall of the workshop. Buck's under that car again. He can hear the cranking of a wrench as the other man continues to work. Wait, he's working on the car?

"It's not gonna fix itself." The pair of Jean wearing legs sticking out from under the Dodge bend and then pull the rest of the man out. Buck's arm is spotted with oil and his hair is tied back. As if reading the other man's mind he smirks and wipes his hands on the rag by his side. "Weird right? I know how to work on a vehicle that was made well after my time." The Soldier stands up and places a few of his tools back to their rightful spots.

"You should get a haircut." Steve snickers trying to ease the tension between them.

Bucky grins as he grabs a bottle of water off of the table. "Yeah, that's not gonna happen. Different look for a different time." He crosses his arms and sighs. "What's wrong? You have that sad lost dog look."

"Puppy. Sad puppy." Steve corrects, shakes his head and laughs lightly.

Lifting a brow, Bucky's tongue glides over his teeth. "Nah. Puppies are little."

The two men remain in awkward silence for a moment. Bucky's staring at his friend while he goes about the place, picking up random tools and then putting them down. The Captain taps the punching bag a few times and drags a breath in between his teeth.

"Spit it out already." Honestly, Steve's behavior is making him anxious. Whatever it is that has Rogers this nervous can't be good and Bucky just wants him to get it out in the open already.

Smile fading as he drags a hand through his hair, Steve musters up the courage to tackle this conversation. "Buck…" He looks over at the man sitting patiently at the table. "I…" Wow this is hard. He tilts his head back and takes in a deep breath. Breathe he reminds himself. His eyes land on the form of the other man. He's still waiting, still giving Steve his full attention. "Buck. I'm sorry."

Confused Barnes shrugs his shoulders. "Ok? For what?" Is he referring to the other day? Yeah ok, sure. That little test pissed him off, but Bucky understands. Steve had made a promise and was just following through with it. Orders of sorts. Sure he could have said something, maybe explained beforehand. Something. But, what's done is done. Steve really does have good intentions when it comes to the people he cares about.

The Captain's sights linger on the shiny metal of the prosthetic. Bucky looks down at his left arm. "Not your fault." He says so matter of factly with a role of his shoulders.

"But you were captured once. Then you fell and...and I left you there!" Steve's aggravated, his friend should hate him, or at the very least be upset with him. "Everything you've gone through, endured and done. It's my hand that forced it. You should hate me."

"I don't."

"I know. And I guess for some reason that bothers me. Fills me with even more guilt." Steve sighs. Shoulders dropping with a weight he didn't know he was still carrying after all this time. "I was originally coming here to apologize for the other day…"

"There's nothing to forgive. Nothing to apologize for."

Rogers seems more irritated now. A quick shake of his head as he places his hands on his hips and takes in a long breath of air.

Licking his lips, the Soldier grins. "If it makes you feel better...I heard that I did try to kill you a few times. Maybe we can call it even."

A loud laugh leaves the Captain as he regains his composure. "Yeah. There's that...I guess." Steve must of forgot how quiet his friend can be, because he's just now realizing how close the other man is.

"But if it'll help." Bucky grasps his friend's shoulder. "I forgive you." Three little words. Small, hard to say. Holding so much impact. Buck, of all people would know. That part of himself that wrote in all of those journals, has been searching for that exact same thing. The least he can do is offer peace of mind to someone who at actually deserves it. "Although I don't think there's anything you should be apologizing for. I have no grudges. And I would do it all over again. Everything. The exact same way. Because we were fighting for what we believed in. What was right. I followed you because I believed in you. And I still do."

Steve regards his friend with a half smile. "Thanks. I'm glad you're here."

"Me too pal."

It's been three days since Steve left, and she has to admit, the house has this odd vibe. As though it's empty, but she knows it's not. Not the same. Bucky's here, but he's not. He's a man that she doesn't really know, but he is all at once. Dear Lord this is confusing for everyone. A lot more than she thought it would be.

Chrissy's going through her filing cabinets, getting rid of any paperwork she'd rather not have around. Fodder for the firepit, she laughs quietly to herself. She doesn't need to hear him to know that he's there, lingering in the shadows. Bucky's not trying to hide his presence, but he's not announcing himself either. Observing, why wouldn't he be?

He's still trying to come to terms with everything. Still trying to figure out what everything means to him.

"Burn pile." She talks out loud to try and fill the void of nothingness in the room. This is a habit that Chrissy had picked up years ago, when she was trying to get use to the quiet after Connor's death. "What's this?" She studies the folder, opens it, flips through it quickly, receipts and not much else. She sighs and her breath pushes the bangs from her face. "Burn." The folder is chucked into the pile.

After half an hour Chrissy has enough paper to toss into the fire pit. She stands, wipes her hands on her thighs and picks up the filing box. The throbbing starts before she can anticipate it. The cardboard box hits the floor by her feet and Chrissy knows that the only thing for her to catch herself on is the desk. She reaches out for the corner but is surprised to feel a forearm around her abdomen.

"You alright?" The Soldier asks barely above a whisper.

"Migraine." She informs. He must have read about this in his journals, because he doesn't seem all that surprised when she looks over her shoulder at him. "I-I'll be ok." She clears her throat, his forearm tightens. "I must have gotten up too fast or something…"

The Soldier slowly releases his grip. As he pulls away, she sways and starts to drop. "Damnit." He breathes out heavily. "Yeah, I'm not letting go. You're gonna fall."

Warm liquid is running down towards her lip. "I can't catch a break." The back of her hand is stained red as she pulls it away from her face.

Bucky spares her a worried glare. "Alright, what do we do?" Wow, that's a first. He's not reaching for his phone to call Stevens and he's not running to grab her meds. It's refreshing, but it reminds her of his current mind set.

"We?" Chrissy snickers. Cute. He barely knows or remembers her, but it's we already.

"Something funny?" He raises an annoyed brow. Arm shifting and tightening once more. Is she expecting him to just leave her here?

"What? No." Again she's wiping the blood from her face. When she goes to place her free hand on his metallic arm he pulls it away. "I won't do anything to…"

"You shouldn't touch that...it's, well…" He lets out an exhausted breath. "Come on, let's get you to the kitchen at least."

"Alright." She allows the man to guide her to a chair near the wooden cooking island. As if something in him has a memory of this place, he finds the things he's looking for without effort. He pulls the third drawer open, grabs a cloth, wets it and tends to her face.

"See, you remember things, you just don't realize it." Chrissy beams softly. "You'll remember more and more as the days go bye."

"Don't look into it too much...found where everything was when I was snooping around the first night." Bucky tilts her face up slowly and cleans the blood. "But in some aspects...maybe you're right. But until I remember everything... I'm a bit annoyed and irritated. Sorry." He laughs gently.

"Don't apologize. I can't imagine how frustrating this all must be." She grips his metallic wrist and he pulls away again. "Sorry. I'm not used to…" Chrissy sighs. "I know that this must be something awful for you to try and get used to." She's referring to his arm and he knows it.

To him this is an appendage of evil. Of mass chaos, death and destruction. If what he's read in those books are true. Then everything he did is attached to this arm. If everything he's read in those words are true, their hidden meaning, than he cares for this woman, a great deal. She shouldn't be anywhere near this vile contraption.

Bucky's fingers open and close a few times. "You shouldn't have to...or even want to be near this." His eyes linger over the foreign object. "If I could...it'd be gone…"

"Sweetie." Chrissy sighs, tries to rise from her chair and fails. The Soldier is forced to make his way to her quickly and catch her by the waist. "See." She grips his forearm once more. "Can be used for good too."

All of this, these memories in books and scribbled down notes. Dates, names, places and times. They're organized and precise, but they're mostly depressing and gruesum. Maybe something a little light hearted will jog his memory, or even put a smile on his face. It's been a long time since she's seen him even flash a quick smirk.

Chrissy places a large box meant for filing on the dining table. "I'm sure that you've gone through this house enough times to realizes that I like to take pictures. Don't know why. I just like catching moments in time on film. Always have." The man by her side rubs his knees anxiously. "Ok. I'm going to show you some pictures. Maybe it'll help, maybe it won't. Don't treat it like a test. It's just a nice way to relax and maybe help your brain piece things together. Alright?" A warm smile.

Bucky nods and exhales deeply, not sure if this is really worth her time. "Fine."

The woman bites her bottom lip gently and places the first photo on the table. It's a picture of him, looks like late summer, he's sitting by the fire looking over the lake. And to Bucky's surprise, he seems relaxed, stretched out on a wooden chair. He picks up the photo and sighs. "Nothing."

"It's ok." She pulls out a few other pictures. "You're really fond of working with your hands. Keeps you busy."

There's a photo of him in the workshop, sanding down a plank of wood. Another where's he's perched at the top of that log cabin. "Do you ever take pictures when people are ready for it?" He laughs softly. And there it is, a small smile. Good.

"Yes." She debates pulling the next one out, but does anyways. Chrissy hands him the picture and waits.

Eyes squinting slightly, thumb dragging over the picture, the Soldier licks his lips. "When was this?" You'd almost be fooled into thinking that this is a picture of a happy family. A little girl with the same dark hair as his, eyes large and round like Chrissy's. All three of them smiling up at the camera as they lie back in the fluffy snow.

"Christmas holidays."

That was last month. He rubs a thumb over his brow and continues to stare at the picture. Something's there, tugging at his core, but what? Is his brain trying to tell him something? Trying to remember? Why does his heart feel like it's breaking? Bucky adjusts his back and sits a little more forward. Heart racing with panic and distress. A sudden thought occurs.

"Is she…" He coughs and swallows hard. "Mine?" Eyes continue to study the picture.

Palm pressed flat over his chest as he tries to calm the frantic beating. What kind of father would forget his own daughter? Where's her room? Why isn't she here? Even if he's messed up right now, shouldn't she be with her parents? Is that why he keeps having more lucid dreams or lingering memories about being in Chrissy's bed? Were they a couple? Why did he go through with any of this if…?

"Or ours? Why isn't she here? Is she afraid of me...or do you not trust me to be around her?" Maybe something horrible happened to this kid. Was he the reason? Is that why he and Chrissy aren't involved? He did something horrible, and now this woman resents him? Even he can hear the agony in his voice. He's choking up. A fist is brought up to his lips as he clears his throat.

"Oh, Bucky. No." Chrissy's sincere when she grabs hold of his hand. This was not a thought that had occurred to her. She just wanted him to focus on happy memories. "I would have told you right from the beginning if there was anything that important to know. Ok? We don't have any children. We didn't have that kind of relationship."

The Soldier nods quickly and uses the base of his t-shirt to wipe his eyes. Jesus that was a good scare. Why is he so upset? Disappointed in the fact that the happy picture isn't one of a family he wished he had? Or relief that he doesn't have one, because he wouldn't want them to deal with what he's become.

"I need you to try and trust that I have your best interest in mind. Alright?" Another nod.

He sniffs, still in a bit of distress. Calm yourself. "Do you have more with her?" Chrissy hands him another photo with the little girl. She's kissing his cheek and he looks really uncomfortable, but he's smiling regardless. Little arms wrapped around his neck. God this hurts, but it's lovely to see all at once. The top of his brain starts to sting, maybe this is helping.

"Want to see another with her or something different?"

Bucky places the photos all in a line. "What's her name?" His eyes drift over every photo.

"Ariana." Chrissy can see his shoulders sag. "Here, she wanted us to take this one with her before she left." She hands him what she considers her favorite. A picture of the three of them with one of the horses out by the barn. "She wanted something nice to frame for her room."

Bucky examines the photo carefully and sighs. He piles the photos together and runs a hand through his hair. "What's next?"

"Alright. How about this. I'll show you pictures of people. You tell me what you can. If you can't, well, then I'll give you a brief description and then we'll continue."

That sounds easy enough. Accept they go through a few dozen pictures and he can't point out anyone familiar or any of their names. Chrissy gives a few details about each person and recounts a few funny stories that actually have him grinning. Finally starting to enjoy this little exercise, Bucky starts to pull some pictures out of the box on his own, even if it's a bit discouraging that he can't remember any of the events or people.

Tilting his head to the side, the Soldier regards the photo that he pulls out by chance. A gruff looking man, lighting a cigar on the back deck. "Who's this?" Bucky can feel something in his chest. Panic? Sorrow?

Chrissy stands behind him and looks over his shoulder. Smile fading, she clears her throat. "That's Logan." Gently, but quickly, she removes the photo from his fingers and tosses it back into the box. The woman pushes her hair back and sits back down beside him. He's read those journals over countless times. By the look on his face, she can tell that he recognizes the name.

"It's alright." He shrugs. "I need to know." The Soldier sucks a bit of air in between his teeth and grips his knees tightly.

Chrissy takes the hairband from around her wrist and quickly ties up her hair. "I know that you'll remember everything at some point. And we both know that there's a lot of bad stored in your head. I just want you to realize that there's also so much good and joy for you to gain back in those memories as well."

The Soldier's deep in thought, but nods. Finger gently scratching at the woodgrain of the table.

"Look. I'll admit. I might be a bit bias, greedy even, when it comes to you regaining your memories. You're my friend." Her fingers grip his hand. "But I won't risk your recovery or your sanity for quick fixes. So even when you feel like giving up, I'll be here to help you get back on the right track. Promise."

"I appreciate the effort." Wow, he feels drained. "Even if it didn't work. This was nice to see. Nice to know that I'm capable of more than just…" Killing. Mutilating. Terrorism. "Can we try again another time?"

It might not have worked this time around, but she's planted a tiny seed of hope in him. "Anytime you want. I'm glad you enjoyed this. Guess it's a good thing I've been camera happy all these years."

There's a horrific scream. Bucky springs up, now fully awake in bed. Carefully he listens, trying to decipher what it was he heard. Was it a dream or did he really hear...

A scream, this time more distressed. Chrissy!

Quickly and quietly he bolts from his bed, out his door and down the hall. His ears never pick up the sounds of anything out of the ordinary. No extra footsteps, no extra breathing, nothing. Leaning against the wall, his eyes now fully adjusted to the dark, he can see that Chrissy's bedroom door is open slightly ajar like it always is. Bucky places calculated gentle steps down as he creeps up towards the door.

There's a pained groan and then Chrissy screams again. Sending chills up his spine, Bucky waits no longer to open the door and see…

Nothing.

Just Chrissy, waking from her sleep, slowly sitting up. Jesus 'fucking' christ. Bucky takes a seat on the side of her bed, he doesn't remember any training or any memory that helps him in this type of situation. "Chrissy..." He whispers as he grabs hold of her shoulder. The metal of his touch seeming to shake her from her thoughts.

Grabbing at the material over her chest, Chrissy sits up a bit more. "Bucky? Oh God I'm sorry. I must have woken you."

She feels bad for him? Seriously?

"Just thought you were...being harmed." Hand still on her shoulder, he can feel that she's trembling.

"That bad huh? I haven't had an episode like that in well, over a year." Chrissy starts to take a few deep breaths. Even though it's dark, she stares at her trembling hands. Usually she's alone when this happens, left to her fears by herself for days.

Against his better judgement, Bucky places himself on top of the blankets by her side. Pulling her shoulders towards him, he relaxes and waits for Chrissy to settle beside him. Wrapping his arm around her frame, Bucky rests his head on the extra pillow. "Is this...ok?" Considering recent events, and how he'd been trying to not let either of them get too touchy feely, he had to ask.

Chrissy nods against his chest and shivers a bit more. "It's...fine."

"Was that about..." Connor, he leaves out.

Clearing her throat, she nods, not able to speak for fear of bawling her eyes out. A few tears fall from her eyes and land on his shirt. Bucky pulls her a bit closer and sighs, not knowing what else to say or do. But this, this gesture, is the most generous thing he could have done for her. She doesn't think she'll ever be able to put into words how much this is appreciated. For him to push his personal boundaries and insecurities aside just for her, is more than anyone has done for her in a very long time.

Her fingers grip at his shirt as she tries to let sleep claim her once more. She's terrified of what she might relive again. Chrissy decides to concentrate on the heartbeat drumming away beneath her, his long deep breaths as he begins to relax. Her body stops shaking. She can feel his metal thumb make small soothing circles on her upper arm. Closing her eyes, she continues to focus on these things alone.

It's early when he hears the phone ringing downstairs. The Soldier rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands, yawns and stretches out his back. Glancing to the empty space beside him, he wonders how long Chrissy's been up. Bucky glances up at the clock. 7 A.M. Jeez, time to get up. Although, he has to admit, that was the first good night's sleep he's had since they came home. He changes quickly in his room and gets ready for the day.

Mumbled words are heard as he makes his way down the stairs. Chrissy has the phone perched between her shoulder and ear as she continues to make breakfast. He can smell pancakes and coffee as soon as he enters the kitchen. She acknowledges his presence with a curt nod and smile and hands him a cup of coffee.

"I'll ask. He'll probably agree." Alright she's talking to someone about him. "I want to make sure that there's progress and healing as well."

Right, Stark. Probably wants to do a check up. When Bucky had finally calmed down after watching that video and talking to Steve, Tony was the one that explained everything again. Every detail and step. Barf. What the hell? Who names a medical device after a bodily function?

"Right. Yeah. I'll send Steve a text later Tony. Thanks again." Chrissy hangs up the phone and then flips the pancakes in the pan.

Bucky continues to sip at his hot coffee. "He wants to examine me." The Soldier snickers. That came out wrong. The woman lifts an amused brow in his direction. "Wants to make sure it's still working."

"Yes." Chrissy hands him a plate of food. "But he also wants to check on your health. He's just as concerned as me and Steve are about your well being." Chrissy almost laughs when Bucky snorts. "Alright. Yeah I know. You two don't have the most stellar of friendships. I'm sure you could sense that without reading about it. But trust me when I say that he does care."

"Fine." He puffs out. "So when do I leave?"

"Tony was suggesting that we head there tomorrow."

"I can go. There's no reason to have you tag along. I know you're a busy gal." Ouch. He sees her pass him an odd look, as if she wasn't expecting that response. "It's what, for the day? I'd be back on time for supper. Besides, Steve's there. I can't get into too much trouble." A wink and a grin that has the woman smiling back at him.

Chrissy shakes her head and bites down on her lower lip. He can't tell if the woman's hiding concern or something else. "Alright. Please behave." She teases and squeezes his hand quickly. "And thanks by the way. For keeping me company last night. Sorry if I freaked you out."

Making sure to occupy himself with eating, Bucky tries not to pay too much attention to this now uncomfortable conversation. "Uh yeah. No problem." Mouthful of pancake, he finishes his meal and coffee. "Gonna head outside for a bit." Dishes are rinsed and placed into the sink quickly.

"Alright." Yup, the friction in the air, she feels it as well.

Looking over the notes and data on the tablet in his hands, Tony lets out a sigh of relief. Looks like nothing's damaged. Nothing's reversing either. So in a way, that's good. Now it's just a waiting game to see if and when this guy will get his most recent memories back. "Do you remember what happened in Washington?" The Ironman asks.

"Bits and pieces." The Soldier shrugs. "I seem to remember more and more everyday. Matches up with things I have written down." He coughs. Yeah, the stuff that's coming back to him. Most of it has been written down in his journals already, but he's added more to those notes. Much more. Upgrades. Torture. Training. Killing. Freezing. Monster. Only, this is the first time he's admitting it out loud.

Tony places the electronic device down on the desk and leans forward in his chair. Elbows rest on his knees as his hands rub together anxiously. "You remember anything at all about Chris?"

"Memories? Not full ones." Bucky can see that this information bothers the other man before him. "More like...bits and pieces. Kind of like going through deja vue."

Alright, that they can work with. Stark's thinking, rubbing his brow, making weird popping and clicking noises with his mouth. "K. I...uh...I'm going to ask some personal questions. It's not to make cheap shots or anything like that. I want to help spark something. Maybe a buried emotion to see if that helps. But I need you to be honest with me. No matter how embarrassing it might seem. Alright?"

"Fine." Annoyed, the Soldier takes a seat and tries to relax.

Tony clears his throat. Well at least Barnes didn't just dismiss the idea all together. A feeling of awkwardness and tension hangs thickly in the room. "Before you went under. Me and you. We had a private conversation. One that's not recorded anywhere. You told me that if something like this happened, that there was one more trigger. One you knew I wouldn't be able to remove. Do remember the word?"

Bucky lets out a shaky breath. "Yeah. That I remember." Obviously, he trusted this man enough to share that information. Why wasn't it something he informed Steve of, he's not quite sure.

"Ok. See? Friends." Tony grins. "I bet right about now you're wondering why Steve wasn't the one you shared this with. Well, that I'm not sure about. Guess you had your reasons." The other man continues to stare in his direction. "Alright. Next question...and believe me this is awkward for me as well." Tony gets out of his chair and pours himself and the other man a whiskey. "When you're around her...Chrissy...do you feel or sense anything?"

Taking the offered drink, the Soldier nods, unable to verbally answer. Tony pats him on the shoulder. Right, so his connection to the now isn't totally severed. That's a strong memory for his consciousness to try to connect the dots with. "Listen, I'm only asking, because if anything's going to elicit some sort of reaction from your brain...that will."

Staring at the drink in his hands, Bucky knows what the man is referring to. Makes sense. "What now?"

"Now?" Tony snickers and sits back down. "You continue with what you were doing. You're healing in a sense. Chris will help."

Just as the two men settle in their comfortable silence, there's a knock at the door. "Enter." Tony quirks. Clint's pushing open the door with a smile. He takes a few steps into the office with a grin. "Barton. What's up?"

As Hawkeye passes by Barnes, he offers the man a polite nod and smile. There's something in the way he moves towards Stark that has Bucky's muscles tensing up. "Just received intel…" He's reaching for something in his back pocket. Something's wrong.

Bucky drops his drink and tackles Clint to the ground.

"Explain to me again why he's in there like that!" Chrissy points angrily at the two-way glass. She leaves him alone for one day. One day! And look at what happens.

Bucky's hands are chained behind him. Kneeling, head slump forward, the dog tags around his neck hanging freely, he seems calm, tired and compliant.

"Chris like I told you over the phone. He lost it. He almost killed Barton. Look, I don't like this anymore than you do."

"Steve you said he was saying that something was wrong with Clint. He wouldn't have attacked him for nothing. And if Bucky really wanted Clint dead, he'd be dead." Chrissy makes her way towards the sealed door. "Open it."

"Chris we can't be sure that.. "

"Steve. Open the damn door." She tilts her head back impatiently and waits. "I'm not gonna argue with you."

With a sigh, the Captain caves and punches in his security code. The metal door opens and then shuts as soon as she makes her way into the room.

"Bucky?" Chrissy kneels down in front of him. He's still staring down at the floor, hair tangled and covering his face. His shoulders are pulled back with the strain of keeping his weight up. "Hey sweetie. Look at me." Her hands tilts his face up and then she sees it. The drowsy look in his eyes, drugged. "Oh, what did they do?" She pushes his hair behind his ears and kisses his forehead. "It's ok. I'm gonna get you out of here." His eyes continue to stare at her and follow her movements. "Are you alright?" He nods slightly and blinks slowly.

Chrissy looks up at the glass and exhales. Annoyed, she waits. Steve must be debating what to do. She knows he's in a tough spot, but this is a bit ridiculous. There's a click of metal and then the restraints let their prisoner go. Bucky's frame slumps forward and Chrissy is forced to help keep him up.

"There. I got you." She cradles him against her body and leans back against the wall for support. He's so heavy. His head is resting on her chest and she uses her legs to keep the rest of him from falling to the floor. "What happened?" Sitting on the cool tiled floor she sighs and pushes his hair back once more.

A deep exhale leaves the Soldier as he shuts his eyes. He's far too drugged on whatever they put into his system to even talk.

"Was this really necessary?" Chrissy vents at the mirror. "How are we supposed to get any answers this way?" She shouts. Right, now she's pissed.

The door opens and Steve is standing there looking like he feels horrible. His best friend, and this was his decision. He takes a step into the room and is saddened when Chrissy squeezes Buck closer, obviously afraid that he'll do something. Take him away? Hurt him? He'd never... "I'm not going to...Chris I never wanted any of this. He left me with no choice."

"You know him. What he can do. You know if Bucky wanted to, he wouldn't be in this room, no matter how drugged or disorientated." Chrissy adjusts her back and sits up a bit more. The man in her arms shuts his eyes once more and allows himself to sink against his friend further. "Instead, he chose to stay put and cooperate. Why do you think that is? Jesus Steve. You're not thinking very clearly lately. What's going on with you?"

"I...you're right. I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do. I'm just trying to protect him and everyone else." Steve crouches and folds his hands together. "Let's get Buck somewhere he can rest. Then I'll get Tony and Nat to check over Barton." She's right, Bucky would never lash out for no reason. The Winter Soldier, maybe, but that part of him is supposed to be in some sort of remission.

When Steve reaches out, Chrissy flinches. Still afraid that something might happen. "It's ok." Bucky whispers and tries to sit up.

"Sorry Buck." The Captain grabs the other man's arm and places it over his shoulders.

Barnes nods and lets his friends help him to his feet. "How's Barton?"

"You knocked him unconscious...he's a little battered and bruised, but he's fine." They slowly make their way to Chrissy's room. Once lying comfortably in bed, the Soldier allows himself to shut his eyes and rest.

Steve motions for Chris to follow him out into the hallway. "I can't believe this. After all the times we've come here. He always said that this place didn't feel as safe as it looks. Now I'm starting to wonder if maybe he was right." She shakes her head frustrated. Angered beyond reasoning.

"Come on. Put yourself in my shoes. What was I supposed to do?" Steve is trying to remain patient. "He still doesn't remember everything. He barely remembers you. So cut me a bit of slack here." Woah, this is the first time in all the years of knowing her that Steve can say that he's upset with her.

"But you know him Steve! His train of thought. His resolve. He's a good man."

"Doesn't matter." The Captain sighs. "I can't take any chances. Not when I know what he's capable of doing. But I'd never...he'll always be safe with me." The memory of the train hits him. "I won't ever let anything happen to him again."

"Steve…"

"I get it Chrissy. I know why you're so damned determined and scared." His eyes are serious as he looks at her. She's bites back any counter remark and sighs. "I'm making you a promise. I won't let anything happen to him. If that means I have to lock him up to protect him. Then that's what I'm going to do. But you need to trust me ok? Since when have you ever started to doubt that? Doubt me? I make mistakes. But I have the best intentions."

"Yeah I know. Sorry..." Rogers pulls the sniffling woman to him in a tight hug. "Just seeing him like that…"

"Yeah. It was hard for me too." Steve sighs and finally lets go. "Alright. Keep an eye on him. I've got a few things to look into."

When Chrissy enters the room, Bucky's eyes are just barely open. He lifts his metallic hand, palm up in her direction. Smiling she grasps his offered hand and sits on the bed. The Soldier places his head on her lap and lets out a deep exhale. He might not remember her much, but he's happy she's here with him.

"What am I going to do with you?" She sighs. "Are you thirsty or hungry?"

The Soldier nods. "It can wait. Tired." When Chrissy goes to move, Bucky squeezes her knee. "Stay. Please." He doesn't want to be alone, and knows that this woman won't let these people drug him again. God he hates needles. Hates drugs. Starting to not be all that fond of people.

"Alright." He allows her to slide down and get comfortable. "Rest. When you wake up we'll get you cleaned up and something to eat. Maybe try to convince these people to let us go home." And just like that he's asleep. Her thumb drags over his swollen and bruised lip. Yup, that's Steve handy work. She sighs.

Chrissy rolls her eyes and curses silently. She wants to bring him back home. But that probably won't happen too soon. She touches his sweaty forehead. With a grimace she realizes that he has a fever. Probably the drugs leaving his system. They just can't catch a break, can they?

"Sweetie we need to cool you down."

The man groans, he doesn't want to move or do anything. Just sleep. He's sore and drained.

"I know. I'm a pain in the ass. Come on. Up." She could get a doctor in here, but that might be a bad idea. She doubts very much that Steve has informed anyone of Bucky's release. So they'd probably drug him back up and ship him out.

With a groan of protest the Soldier pushes himself to sit up. His eyes are barely remaining open as she practically peels off his damp shirt. He's sweaty and hot to the touch. "K. There's no way you can shower or anything. I'll wipe you down and you can get some rest. Get your boots off. Ok?"

When she returns with a bowl of cold water and a wash clothe, Bucky's curled up on his side, blankets pulled up to his chin as he shivers. His pants and boots piled in a heap on the floor.

"You better not be naked under there." She huffs and take a seat on the bed. "Sorry but you're burning up. I know you feel like you're freezing…" She gently pulls back the covers and he instinctively crosses his arms over his chest to keep himself warm. Chrissy spots the band of his underwear and is relieved that he's not totally nude in her bed. She also spots more bruising. Damn it, Steve.

A cold wet cloth wipes over his face, chest and back causing him to shiver more. "Sorry. I have to." She wipes Bucky down the best she can and then places a cold wet cloth on his forehead. "Done. Promise."

A sheet is pulled back up to his shoulders and Chrissy lies down in front of him. Constantly checking his forehead. The Soldier grabs her wrist, kisses the back of her hand and falls asleep.

"I'm not going anywhere. And no one is taking you anywhere either. Promise. Sleep sweetie."

Bucky's been asleep for hours. Chrissy hasn't left his side. She's debating trying to get in contact with Steve when there's a knock at her door. Muscles tense with uncertainty as she goes over the possible scenarios. "Just a second." She calls out. Smoothing out the material of her shirt, she takes a deep breath and then opens the door.

Relief washes over her when she sees Tony standing there. "Steve gave me a run down. He still asleep?" Stark asks while peeking over her shoulder. The woman nods. "Can we talk for a second?" Chrissy shuts the door behind her as she places herself in the hallway. "Barnes was right…" Tony rubs the back of his neck. "Found this in Barton's back pocket." A small canister the size of a pen is held out in front of her. "We're still looking into the exact chemistry of the formula…"

"Before you start speaking another language...Tony, just explain to me what the hell is going on. And tell me that Clint's alright."

"Right." Tony's fingers run along the smooth metal of the foreign object. "Barton's fine. His pride is bruised and he's a little pissed that we have him in a bed with restraints. But he's fine. Barnes was...well he was protecting me. In his own way." The Ironman snorts out as he shakes his head. "Clint must've been dosed with some sort of mind altering or mind controlling drug… those darts Barnes pulled from his neck back in Antarctica. They were probably similar to this. Basically. There's these nano sized computerized bacteria in here that could in theory control someone's brain."

"Oh my God." Chrissy has to lean against the wall. "Bucky was shot with something similar by Rumlo."

"Yeah. For some reason it didn't affect him. Maybe they played around with his brain too much already. Dunno." Tony sighs. "Right now we're working on finding and removing all of the critters from Barton. After that, when Barnes wakes up. I want to run a blood test and a scan to make sure he doesn't have anything in his system."

"Alright. That might take some convincing. I'll do my best." Chrissy sighs.

"Let me know when he wakes up."

Stark was right. Both Barnes and Barton had bugs in their system. However, only Barton was affected. Poor guy. Mind control used on that man once more. He's not going to be happy when he wakes up.

After Bucky's given the thumbs up of approval, he makes his way back to Chrissy's room. "Hey." Steve catches up to him in the hallway. "Ready to head back home?"

The Soldier offers a grunt as a reply. "Yup." Bucky opens the door nods in the woman's direction and grabs her bag. "Let's get out of here."

Steve sighs. "I...Buck…" He's at a lost for words.

"No hard feelings. You did what you thought was right. So did I." Bucky brushes past his friend. Chrissy's by his side as they make their way towards the elevators. "But don't think I'll be paying you a visit here anytime soon."

Steve nods. "Yeah. I guess not. But Buck...Thanks. Tony…"

"Is important to them. I suggest you figure out why." The elevator doors open, Chrissy and Bucky enter. The Captain places a hand on the door, keeping it open. Chris hasn't spoken to Steve since Bucky's release. He's going to have to make it up to her somehow. "Take care of yourself and watch your back. You know where I'll be." Bucky can remember a time when he would have refused to leave his friend's side. But the more he remembers and the more he begins to learn, sometimes being around Rogers is what might actually put the man in harm's way. The elevator doors shut and Steve exhales, disappointed in the outcome of all that's happened.

It's been a few gloomy days. Both of them just going through the motions of the day. Routine. Deep in thought. Something needs to change.

"Maybe this will help." She motions for the the Soldier to follow her.

Chrissy pulls out a few photo albums and sits on the living room floor. Bucky takes a seat next to her and she starts slowly flipping through the pages. Pictures of him, Steve and they look recent. The Fall maybe?

The woman at his side is telling him about the pictures in the pages, leaving out certain details when she sees him squint. He's remembering a few things here and there and she's letting him regain them on his own. When she flips to the next page, a large mess in the kitchen and baked goods scattered everywhere, he's suddenly there in that time. The smells and laughter of that time all rushing back.

"You can help. Come on, it's easy and it'll be quick. Promise. Baking's not that terrifying."

Flour, pies, and a large mess, that they made. He remembers this. Before she can turn the page, he points to the photo. His face covered in icing. "This one."

"You remember this?" She sees him nod slowly, still deep in thought.

"You said that you needed help in the kitchen." He laughs. The memory of her covered in flour, sitting on the floor, begins to replay in his mind. She was looking for some mixing bowls, and asked for a hand up. The Soldier remembers bending over to help her and how she got him in the mouth and face with a hand full of icing as she pulled him down. "You tricked me…" He snickers.

"Pay back for the dock." Her voice echoes in his mind.

Then he remembers hearing her laugh as he wiped his face with his forearm, keeping her pinned to the floor as he did so. How she took the discarded towel and cleaned up the spots he missed, while biting her lip, trying to force down any more laughter.

"I did. You deserved it. Had that coming for a while." She laughs. Her tongue darts out to moisten her lips, for some reason this catches his attention. The woman goes back to flipping through the book as he continues to stare at her. "What? Do you remember anything else?" Chrissy asks, excited to hear if he's actually remembering anything recent.

Searching her face for any sign of fear or uncertainty, Bucky leans in close and gently presses his lips against hers. Everything about that brief moment is soft, sweet and wet, but realization settles in causing him to feel shame build in his gut. This feels amazing and right, but not familiar. Not at all. This is not an avenue that they've explored much before and it suddenly becomes very evident and clear.

Bucky pulls away, remaining only inches away from her face. Her breath hot on his lips. "I-I'm sorry…shouldn't have done that. Sorry." He ducks his head out of her view. Her eyes are wide with surprise but not disgust.

"N-no, it's alright. Apology accepted. That was... unexpected, but nice." In a bit of shock, but never rude. She's trying not to offend him. Chrissy licks her lips, trying to figure out how that was brought on.

The Soldier lifts his gaze to meet hers and asks a question he already knows the answer to. "We've never done that much... before. Have we?"

"No." She chuckles, cheeks now colored with a light blush. "New Years. That was it." She tries to hide a smile by biting down on her bottom lip.

But in the memory, he'd leaned in and kissed her. Right? Maybe that was only wishful thinking at the time, a regret his brain forced himself to go through with this time. Woops.

"Really, it's ok. Don't worry about it." Another warm smile as she continues to flip the pages of the book. "Let's see if anything else in here jogs your memory."

Now instilled with some sort of newly found bravery and boldness, he tilts her chin up gently and waits for her to object. When Chrissy doesn't refuse, he kisses her again, it starts off slowly but changes pace quickly. Maybe this is what he needs, affection to feel human again. To remember. She doesn't seem to mind. Quite the opposite. He pushes the album from her lap onto the floor. The kiss now feeling urgent.

Hands in his hair, she returns the kiss without hesitation and it's wrong. She knows it. But it's sweet, and sudden. And feels like it's long overdue, and maybe he has a part of himself back. But it's wrong. He would never take advantage of her. How could she do this to him?

A satisfied groan leaves his chest when she pulls him closer. Unwilling to let him go just yet. Selfish. Bitch. Especially now, with the knowledge that she's making him happy, causing him to feel any emotion at all. A tiny spark of light in his always darkened world. This is wrong, but how can she take this moment away from him? What are you doing?

His hand is behind her head and the other wraps around her torso as he lowers them down to the floor. Chest heavy and heaving against her own as he places himself above her. Hand trailing her ribs down to her hip and thigh. Whoa. No. Their breathing speeds up when he pushes his tongue past her lips again to glide against her own. Becoming more at ease, Bucky settles against her. When the grip on her thigh tightens and pulls her closer, causing her innards to stir, Chrissy is forced to end this, pushing on his chest delicately.

Woah. Enough. Too far. Look at what you've done. She presses her lips into a thin line. Already missing their contact. Cheeks hot, breaths long and deep.

"Bucky...I-I can't do this. Not to you. I'm sorry." She can feel his teeth against her neck as he smiles and laughs lightly. "This is nice. Really nice...but it's not right…" That came out wrong. She could never and would never do anything to hurt or use him. Even if this is something they are both enjoying, doesn't make it right. He barely remembers her or their friendship. She can't risk his recovery for selfish ends. "Maybe...if circumstances were different..." Hands are still in his hair as her fingers push back a few stray locks.

"You mean... if I remembered?" There's something between them. To push this any further, it'd be unfair, to either of them. But it's there, even if he can't remember all of it. He can sense it, feel it, see it. Maybe he was in love with her, maybe he still is. Is it possible that she feels the same way?

"Yeah...I'm sorry. I would never do anything to hurt you." Her voice and words hold no lies. She cares about him deeply, that's the truth.

"You're apologizing for something I started? I'm a big boy. I get it, don't worry. And for what it's worth. Thanks." The Soldier holds the side of her face gently, her hand coming up to rest on his own. Metal and flesh. That seems familiar. "Maybe I shouldn't have...but I don't regret it." His thumb drags against her cheek and suddenly that urge to have her near once more is there.

That tight feeling in his chest, he knows what it is. Every time he looks at her. Is there a reason he never had the courage to try and pursue anything with her before? It's obvious that there's something there. Her eyes never lie. She's ashamed for letting it go as far as it did, he can see that. The woman drops her gaze, averting the look in his eyes. It's not hurt or anger he sees lingering there. Want. And if she keeps staring, she'll give in again.

He sighs and stands. "But it was nice?" He helps pull her up to her feet. Chewing at his bottom lip, awaiting her answer.

"Yes, it was very nice." She admits, saving his pride. Cheeks flushing. "Just...wrong timing."

He seems to think on this and nods, as if understanding her explanation. Satisfied with that answer and not insulted or hurt. "Will it be weird...to be around me now?" He scoffs. God if he's done anything to hurt what they have, he'll never forgive himself. Other than Steve, this is the only thing he can be certain is worth anything in his life.

"Never." She reassures, squeezing his hand. A proud smirk on his lips. "You smug jerk." She laughs.

So, need something else to read while waiting for my next chapter? Check out my friend's work! Show her some love! archiveofourown works/ 4093003/ chapters / 9219343 (remove spaces)