Chapter Twenty
Brittany looked down at Santana, curled up beneath the covers on her bed, and gently ran her finger down the side of Santana's face. She hadn't been asleep for long, about half an hour or so, but it'd taken a while. It had taken them longer than they thought to get her home. Brittany and Kurt had put both of her arms around their necks but that hadn't stopped her from stumbling along the way. On top of that they'd had to keep Kurt's coats secure around her wrists with their free hands.
When they'd got her home Brittany had taken her to the bathroom and sat her down on the closed toilet seat. Her first priority had been checking to see the extent of the damage Santana had caused herself. She'd hesitantly placed her hand on Kurt's coat and looked into Santana's eyes to see if it was okay. But Santana hadn't been looking at her; at least not properly. Her eyes had been glazed over, emotionless, and this scared Brittany more than anything.
She'd then proceeded to removing the coat and taking Santana's arm in her gentle touch. It was much different to the last time Brittany had seen Santana's cuts. Her skin looked shredded, which she was supposed was the bottle Santana had used. She was still bleeding and it looked incredibly painful but if it was she wasn't giving anything away. Brittany could honestly say she'd never seen anything like it. She stood up and ran some warm water in the sink. Then she placed a wash cloth into it and soaked it before bending back down.
"It might hurt a bit, okay?" She'd said gently.
Santana hadn't said anything, merely continued to look at her in that way. Brittany carefully placed the wash cloth over her skin. She expected Santana to flinch or pull a face or something but still, nothing happened. She gently dabbed the cloth at the blood drying all the way down her arm. She did this to both arms then wrapped them in bandages, securing it with a safety pin.
"Let's get you out of these clothes, yeah?" Brittany had said warmly, her hands rubbing Santana's thighs.
She'd then proceeded to pulling Santana's shirt over her head and removing her trousers. Santana's knees were littered in tiny cuts and Brittany presumed they'd appeared when she'd fallen over. She placed several band aids over them and planted a kiss on top, hoping to receive some kind of reaction but still Santana didn't say a word.
Nothing much had happened after that. Brittany had collected a pair of comfy sweatpants and a baggy jumper for her to wear and had then taken her to bed. Now, here she sat, watching Santana's chest rise and fall as she turned over in her sleep and faced Brittany instead. She looked so peaceful when she was sleeping that Brittany, had she tried, could almost forget about everything that was going on.
Brittany sighed and rubbed a hand over her face. She felt so tired. But she couldn't fall asleep; not when Santana might need her at any moment. She knew it was selfish to even think about how she was feeling when Santana was in the state she was and all this did was create more guilt inside of her, forever pressing down on her heart and making her stomach turn.
"Brittany?"
Brittany looked over at Santana and found herself locked on beautiful brown eyes. A small smile crossed her face and she sat up properly, her hand gripping Santana's tightly.
"How are you feeling?" Brittany asked quietly. She could see that Santana was still half asleep and didn't want to startle her into awakening fully.
Santana didn't answer at first. Her eyes continued to search Brittany's, almost as if she was looking for an answer to something she didn't want to ask. If she was being honest she couldn't feel much pain. Her arms stung a little and she was aching but other than that she felt okay, content. She couldn't help feeling that being with Brittany was what was causing her comfort.
"You stayed," She whispered.
Brittany smiled tiredly and planted a small kiss onto Santana's forehead. She looked adorable when she was fighting off sleep.
"I promised I would never leave you," She reminded her. "You know that, right?"
Santana's eyes went dark at Brittany's words and panic shot through them. Brittany inwardly sighed, realising that Santana still believed she was a flight risk and wouldn't stay around long enough to convince her otherwise.
"I'm going to go and get in the shower, okay?" Brittany said, trying not to sound like Santana's silence had hurt her. "You try and go back to sleep,"
Brittany stood up without waiting to see what Santana would say and made her way to the door. It wasn't that she wanted to leave, she really did need a shower, but Santana's silence at her question had made the moment perfect.
"I know,"
Brittany stopped but didn't turn around. The only question that fit Santana's answer was her leaving one but her answer suggested a lot and Brittany wasn't sure if she meant it. She slowly turned to face Santana, wondering if it had been said at all.
"I know you won't leave me,"
This time she knew Santana had spoken. Before she could say anything Santana's eyes drifted shut and she took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, sleep taking over her mind. A smile began to work its way from Brittany's lips to her eyes and a small tear ran down her cheek as she realised that Santana had just put the first piece in on the puzzle of recovery.
X
Brittany made her way downstairs, rubbing her hair dry with a towel as she went. Kurt was sat at her dining room table, a mug in his hands. She frowned, what was he still doing here? The clock in their hallway told her that it had just gone seven and she blinked in surprise. It felt much later.
"Kurt, you're still here," Brittany stated even though she knew he knew he was still there.
"I wanted to make sure you were both okay," Kurt smiled, turning to face her.
His words hit her suddenly in the chest and she looked away from him, the towel hanging by her feet. The fact that he'd included her in that sentence had surprised her, for no-one really asked how she was doing now that Santana was with her, safe, and not in some hospital somewhere. He seemed to notice her expression for he patted the space beside him, motioning for her to sit down.
"I know that you will both be okay one day,"
Brittany looked down at his hands and watched as he ran his thumb along the rim of the mug. She used to believe what Kurt was saying but now she wasn't so sure. Every time she thought Santana might just be getting to that first step something else seemed to come along and knock her off again. She knew she couldn't stop things like that happening but she could help things to feel better.
"She said something upstairs," Brittany said, suddenly remembering and smiling slightly.
"What did she say?" Kurt asked softly.
"I told her I wasn't going to leave her," Brittany said. "And she said she knows,"
Kurt's eyes widened and a smile graced his face. Brittany's smile grew wider at his face and she nodded to him, assuring him that what he'd just heard was true. He threw his arms around her body and gripped her tightly.
"I'm so glad," He said happily.
"I just hope it wasn't the sleep talking," Brittany said once he let go of her.
"It won't be," Kurt said immediately. "It must feel incredible for both of you,"
Brittany stopped and thought for a moment. She hadn't really thought about how it must be making Santana feel. But now she realised that she must feel pretty good. She'd finally found someone worth trusting and she'd even voiced it. On Brittany's part she felt happy but there was a pressure too. There always had been but now that Santana had put her trust in her it was more important than anything.
X
Santana woke up hours later and blinked several times to take in her surroundings. She was in her room and Brittany was next to her, sitting up against the headboard as if she hadn't been meaning to fall asleep. Santana smiled slightly and pushed herself up so that she was leaning against the bed too. That was when she noticed her arms. And with the image of her arms came the remembering.
Brittany and Kurt had brought her home. Brittany had cleaned her up and changed her clothes. Then she'd somehow ended up here, in bed. Her arms were aching now. She pressed down lightly on one and hissed in pain, a sharp feeling running down her wrist. Brittany woke up when she made the noise. She looked around in confusion before facing Santana and scrunching her eyes up to wake up properly.
"You're so adorable," Santana said without thinking. She immediately looked down, her hands twisting in her lap.
Brittany curled her fingers under Santana's chin and lifted her so that they were making eye contact. Then she joined their lips together, inhaling through her nose at the much needed contact. Santana seemed hesitant at first but when she placed her hand on Brittany's cheek her heart gradually began to slow down. These were the moments she liked; the kissing. They were passionate and intimate and filled with so much love that sometimes it felt like Santana was receiving it all at once.
Brittany pulled away first, her cheeks flushed.
"How are you feeling?"
"I'm okay," Santana answered truthfully. "What time is it?"
Brittany leant across Santana, their bodies nearly touching, and pressed the button on her phone. The screen lit up showing that it had just gone two in the morning. Brittany sat back down and yawned, her hand coming up to cover her mouth.
"You can go back to sleep," Santana told her, settling back against her pillow.
"If you're not I'm not," Brittany said shrugging. "Besides, I think a leprechaun was trying to eat me in my dream and I don't particularly want to die yet,"
A laugh escaped Santana. It wasn't much of one, kind of like a small chuckle, but it still made Brittany smile. Santana just looked away. It hadn't meant to happen, it just had. And it felt strange to her, almost like tasting a favourite food that you hadn't eaten for years. Come to think of it, she couldn't remember the last time she'd laughed without it being forced.
"Do you want to die, Santana?"
Santana's eyes snapped to Brittany's but there was no judgement or force in the question. Brittany merely looked curious as if the answer Santana gave would just get rid of one question Brittany had in her head. Santana knew it wasn't as simple as that; that the answer she gave would open up a whole load of other questions, but she could see in Brittany's eyes that nothing bad would come out of this. It was just a question.
"Do we have to talk about this?" Santana asked, trying to avoid the question entirely.
"No," Brittany answered honestly. "But I think we both need to,"
Santana could see why Brittany had asked. She just found it odd that it'd been at this particular moment. She pondered her response. If she said yes then Brittany would worry and she'd probably be carted off to some hospital somewhere. If she said no then she'd be lying and she wasn't very good at lying to Brittany.
"I think about it, sometimes," She said, settling on an answer that made sense to her.
"Okay," Brittany said, taking her hand again and squeezing encouragingly.
"I don't so much want to do anything," Santana carried on. "But sometimes I think it would be easier,"
"It would be easier," Brittany said. "Because then you wouldn't have to deal with any of this. And I don't want you to have to deal with any of this, but I don't want to lose you either,"
"So what do I do?" Santana asked. She sounded so defeated, so unsure of herself, that Brittany felt her stomach twist. Santana could really see no other option.
"We will get through this together," Brittany smiled. "You're not on your own, sweetheart. I'm here, and so is Kurt. Do you know he's sleeping in my room tonight?"
Santana frowned. Kurt was still here?
"He didn't want to leave you, not tonight," Brittany answered her questioning look. "We all care about you, and we all want you to get better,"
Brittany took a deep breath and looked down. Santana could see that what she was about to say was hard for her, and she didn't want to say it at all. When Brittany looked back up Santana could see worry in her eyes, and panic too.
"What?"
"My mom went through the house yesterday and threw away all of the alcohol," Brittany said softly.
Santana's insides twisted. If she was honest she hadn't thought about drinking since yesterday but now that Brittany had mentioned it she could feel the repressed feelings coming back to her. Suddenly she ached for a drink; she longed to feel the liquid sliding down her throat, the burn in her stomach, the relief in her mind as everything else was wiped away. Brittany could tell that Santana was starting to struggle. Her eyes were conflicted, torn between pretending she wasn't feeling anything and showing just how hard this was.
"The drink could kill you," Brittany said, her voice hitching. "And I can't let that happen,"
Santana closed her eyes and gripped Brittany's hand harder. If she just didn't think about it then it'd go away, right? Instead she thought back to the time when she'd first laid eyes on Brittany. Even back then she'd known that Brittany was the girl for her. She thought about how her stomach had felt all fluttery, like butterflies had taken up residence there; how her hands had become sweaty just through the thought of her; how her eyes had thrown the rest of the world off kilter and convinced her that nothing else she saw would ever be as beautiful as what was sat right in front of her.
When she reopened her eyes Brittany was looking at her anxiously.
"I... I don't want a drink," She forced out.
Her father began laughing at her, the sound of him so startling that she jumped and let go of Brittany's hand. Her hands pressed down over each of her ears but this didn't help in blocking him out. If anything it was just making him louder.
"Santana, San, honey," Brittany said, pulling her hands away and holding them between her legs. "It's just me here, I promise, it's just us,"
Santana forced herself to focus on Brittany's voice, the voice that had carried her through and out of everything. As Brittany continued to murmur in her ear Santana felt her father's voice getting further and further away from her as though he was a piece of music and it was being turned down.
"I've got you, San," Brittany said gently as Santana collapsed against her, her arms wrapping around the blonde's torso. "I've got you,"
X
Santana continued to sleep on and off for the next couple of days. Brittany could tell that her time in the forest, telling Brittany and then her counsellor her secret and the past few nights had taken their toll on her and caused her to feel exhausted but Brittany was glad that Santana was starting to confide and trust in her a bit more. Santana had never been one for discussing her feelings so Brittany wasn't about to push her. The pace they were going at was fine for now.
After a week Santana went back to school. Principal Figgins was glad to see her back again, despite the fact that she'd only been gone for just over a week compared to the last time she'd been off. He assured her that her attendance record was nothing to worry about as they knew the reasons behind it although to Santana it wasn't something she cared about anyway and he could have told her before.
The Glee club were happy to see her but she still continued to sit at the back despite wanting more than anything to sing again. Singing again was something she thought about constantly, especially recently. She had started trying to sing to herself but every time she opened her mouth her throat would block and she'd find herself back at square one.
She was stood by her locker. Her hands were shaking as she dialled the combination and put her previous books away. She found that they were doing that more and more lately. She also felt itchy, like insects were crawling over her skin. Her throat was also dry and it took her a while to realise that not drinking was taking its effect on her.
"Hey," A voice that was so familiar to her brought her out of her thoughts.
She turned around to face Brittany and a small smile grazed over her mouth. It was at moments like these that she realised she could do anything as long as she had Brittany by her side. She didn't think she'd ever thought or said it before but she didn't think she could go on if Brittany wasn't there.
"Hey,"
"Are you okay?" Brittany asked her, as caring as ever.
"Yeah, I just want to go home," Santana said, sounding like a five year old.
"I want to go home too," Brittany agreed.
"Hello, ladies," Kurt said, appearing from nowhere, his hands clasped tightly to his bag. "How are you today?"
He looked at both of them as he said it but Santana knew he was aiming it at her. She didn't mind though. As much as she hated people asking her that question all the time it meant more coming from Brittany and Kurt. And she couldn't fault either of them for anything over the past few months, right from when she'd first been in hospital.
"I'm okay," Brittany answered first, smiling at him.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Santana said, shoving a quick smile onto her face. She didn't think either of them saw through it.
"Well," Kurt said breaking the silence that fell." Rachel's having yet another crisis in the choir room, I swear, as much as I love that girl, she can be rather dramatic,"
"Do you know what it's about?" Brittany asked, following Kurt towards the choir room and taking Santana's hand.
"Nope, I didn't stick around long enough," Kurt said, turning around and winking.
They could hear Rachel's voice before they'd even entered the room. When they appeared they could see Rachel standing by the piano, talking loudly to Mr Schue who stood on the opposite side, looking at the floor. Santana stopped when she heard her name, pulling Brittany back slightly as they waited.
"She's never even here! We are never going to make it to Nationals if our members don't show up,"
Santana's heart skipped and tears welled up behind her eyes. Brittany made her way into the room, anger filling her up in all places but before she could say a word someone else spoke.
"Oh, lay off, Berry. You think she wants to miss so much school? You think she's happy living the way she is? You might want to think more about her rather than yourself for a change. You have no idea how she's coping,"
Santana stepped into the room because quite frankly she needed to see for herself that she wasn't dreaming, that it was Quinn who was standing up for her. Brittany stood, breathing hard behind Rachel who turned around and spotted Santana standing awkwardly in the doorway.
"Santana, I didn't mean..." Rachel began but Santana cut her off.
"It's fine," She said, her voice cracking slightly and she cursed herself for sounding so weak. "I should have known, I guess,"
"No, Santana, don't listen to her," Brittany said, coming to stand in front of her and putting a hand on both of her upper arms.
"She's right," Santana said, even though it killed her to say it. "You guys won't get to Nationals if our hearts aren't in it,"
"Santana, please, she's not right," Brittany said desperately.
"It's fine, Britt," Santana said. "It's fine."
And with that, she walked away.
X
Santana refused to go back to Glee club even though Brittany was doing her best to change her mind. She felt rather broken inside after hearing Rachel's words for she knew it was someone else she'd inconvenienced. By not going to Glee club she was giving Rachel what she wanted and she'd rather Rachel was happy than herself.
Brittany was furious with Rachel. After everything Santana had achieved in the past of couple of weeks she felt that it'd all been blown away because all Santana was passionate about was singing and now Rachel had taken that away from her. She knew that Rachel hadn't meant to be as harsh as she was but Santana was her main priority.
A few days after the incident with Rachel, Brittany and Santana entered the house and walked into the kitchen. Santana sat down straight away, picking at her nails, as Brittany started the kettle and proceeded to making them both a cup of tea. Santana had been telling Brittany that Rachel hadn't bothered her but Brittany could see it had.
"What are you thinking?" Brittany asked her, placing the tea in front of her.
"Oh, nothing," Santana said shrugging.
Brittany sighed and took a drink of her tea. It burnt her throat and she coughed, causing Santana to look up and arch her eyebrows.
"Sorry," Brittany said, her throat still stinging.
Just before Santana could speak Brittany's parents entered the room. Both girls were surprised. They rarely saw either of them this early, especially Brittany's dad. Mrs Pierce was holding a letter in her hand and looking anxiously from Santana to Brittany.
"Mom, what's wrong?" Brittany asked, standing up.
Santana stood up too, force of habit she supposed, and wrung her hands together by her stomach. Mrs Pierce glanced at Mr Pierce who rubbed the back of his neck and let out a breath.
"Santana," Mrs Pierce said gently. "It's your mom,"
Brittany knew what was about to happen before it did. Her arms were wrapped around Santana as the room went black and she sunk into a dead faint.
Well, I felt the need to write and I have but I'm not sure where any of it came from. Ah well. Thank you to everyone who reviewed the previous chapter, they are really what keep me going. I hope this chapter was okay for everyone. Please let me know by reviewing!