CHAPTER 21 I Find Myself in Deeper Waters
I'm leaning against the back of the wagon carrying us and the remaining items from the general store that couldn't be sold in the village, resting my arm over the side and my head on my arm, just watching the land roll by. Considering ourselves married to deal with the increased bonding caused by Izark's vow of loyalty brought other unexpected changes and concerns. I can now feel Izark everywhere all the time, even though I still know where he is specifically. It was as if in formally pledging himself to me that this world put a collar and chain on him and put the end of it in my hand - or rather staked it to my heart. I can feel that connection all the time now. I brings me comfort, and when I'm even remotely missing him, all I have to do is sink into that feeling and he is with me. I'm doing that now, since he's at the opposite end of the wagon, holding the horse's reins.
Alef is next to him and they are discussing the plans once again - that we are going to Stenny, the next city on the path, to sell off all that's left in the wagon. Then we'll go to the coast and gain passage over to the western continent and try to find Grand Duke Jeida and the others. Everyone else is in the wagon with me - Doros and the chimos, Niana, and Glocia, plus all the stuff. My ear pricks up when Alef asks Izark if he will be an entertainer to bring in more sales if sales are slow. I laugh to myself. Izark really doesn't like that idea. He hates to bring attention to himself. That's going to be a hard sell. But then...the last time he agreed to do that we brought hell on earth to us. I hope that doesn't happen again. He hasn't forgotten that either, I'm sure. I'm not surprised when he agrees - provisionally.
I go back to my musings. Doros had, of course, agreed to go with us wherever we went. He's like a puppy that's attached itself to us, and I'm afraid I find it endearing. I can't turn him away and would rather have him around. It's a comfort to me that he knows what we are and doesn't care. It makes me feel not quite so alone...particularly when we are with people all the time we can't tell again. Niana and Glocia both want to pry and ask close questions, like where I'm a princess of and that sort of thing. I've fallen back on the old original story that I'm (now we're) from a remote island, so that has been randomly mixed in. I can't help but think about how when one lie is started, so many more have to be added to it (and somehow remembered) to keep it standing. I wish we didn't have to do it. My brain is good, but even I can't remember all those details that they keep pressing me for. I'm telling truths as much as I can to save my sanity.
I did manage to distract them for a while back in the village while we were getting the store ready for the sell-off. I thought about asking the farmer's wife, but I was afraid it would add to the rumors, so I decided to ask Niana. She's married and had kids after all, and is travelling with us so she can be my surrogate mother for a while. Is there birth control in this world? That was main concern I had. Izark and I can't afford children...probably not until this whole mess is cleared up. It's hard enough for him to take care of me on the road all the time, in hiding. Trying to do that while pregnant or with an infant and children is way too much. Completely ridiculous. It's part of why he's been willing to wait on me and withhold this long. Completely reasonable and very practical. The heart had other things to say about it, though. Stupid heart emotions. Makes this so complicated...not that I minded in the end. I tuck my face into my elbow and blush. Izark was so sweet and gentle, for all we both felt very clumsy. It was good we had more than one day (and night) to figure it out and get it out of our systems.
The waves of those emotions still hit me regularly, but I'm not completely overwhelmed by them any more. Really - this being or source of good and light that's done this to me better have a good reason for it. This just isn't me at all to be dragged around by my heart and body. I still drown every now and again. That's why I'm on the far side of the wagon. If I'm too close to him my mind starts shutting down. I really hate being in heat. It isn't human. But, as I said, I'm better now than I was the first two days. Even Doros noticed and asked if I was okay. I was honest, "No, I'm not. I might be later." Izark was sympathetic. He was having the same trouble. We managed to let Doros know we were leaving with the de Gilenee's before we had to escape. Being with other people that day was nearly impossible. We were fortunate I was in the part of my cycle where it wasn't a problem. That would have been a very big problem.
Anyway, Niana was as enthusiastic about helping me as I expected her to be. She is sweet, for being a ditz. Somehow I managed to convince her to not be suspicious that I knew nothing but needed to know it. She thought it was sweet we'd run away to elope but been shy with each other this long. I milked it, saying I'd been afraid to admit I didn't know the birds and the bees very well, and that we'd been afraid because we were where we couldn't have children yet and we only knew that as long as we abstained they wouldn't come. She'd launched into a long, flowery, yet very informative lesson for me... and hadn't been shy about adding Izark into it when he showed up. He blushed furiously and glared at me. I just raised a practical eyebrow at him, reminding him who I was. He'd done his best to escape as soon as he could, but only by turning to work on the shelves of items. He'd been hooked, I could tell. He was listening pretty closely. I don't ask stupid questions. He needed the answers as much as I did.
I rest my head on my arm. I'm actually pretty worn out. Selling the items from the store, getting them delivered, packing what was left into the wagon, saying our goodbyes. Getting told crazy things by people who'd gotten all the gossip mixed up. (I roll my eyes again just thinking about it.) It's kind of sad to leave it behind, the only "normal" I've known the whole time I've been here. I wonder if we'll ever have a normal. ...Well, it's the goal, I suppose, but who knows when. I've been here for nearly a year now. In a lifetime, that isn't very long, but it feels long to me, so much has happened, and I'm so far from home in time now, not just distance. ...Izark must be paying attention to me. A flicker of compassion comes down the connection because I'm feeling this little bit of depression. I tip my head like I'm being pet. It feels like that anyway. Our connection is now that close, that the emotions cross it. It's been a new way, a strange way, and yet a comforting way of communicating. We haven't discussed it yet, but I think he knows about that change. It's a two way street, after all.
I've been considering it. I think that when we both are having the same emotion, we amplify each other. That's why we were drowning the first couple of days. Getting the need out of our systems calmed us both down so that we could stop amplifying each other. When we're feeling separate things, we can anchor each other. I feel depressed, he can comfort me. He feels fear, I can be his courage. I'm most worried about what will happen if we both feel fear at the same time. It could be deadly paralysis, so I'm already working on how to handle that. It will take some experimentation and practice, I know, but we've got to start at the beginning and the sooner the better.
I'm working on that, half dozing, when Glocia cries out and points. We're passing what looks like an inch worm, except that it's a foot and a half long and more than an inch in diameter. From the comments from the others, it's about as unexpected to them, too. It's frightening. What a strange world this is where evil is so physically present and active. On Earth it's only within the hearts of men, as far as modern man goes. (All of the lore says otherwise.) But I've never heard of it being able to morph plant and animal life. It's part of this world that is incomprehensible to me. Ah, this is a good time. "Izark, send comfort down. That's my fear." He looks over his shoulder at me in surprise. I just look at him. He turns back and focuses, then I feel his comforting warmth and calmness enter my heart. I look at it to understand, take it, and sigh in relief, closing my eyes again. "Thanks."
"...You understand this?"
"No, not yet. Still experimenting. That was just a good time, since I knew who's it was and you need to learn to tell us apart at that level. You do a good job already, actually, it's just that one confused you. I think you live in fear so often you can't tell when it's mine. If we are both afraid at the same time it will be as bad as it was when we were both drowning in love together, only death will be the result." I can feel his sober understanding - and his fear rise up. I already know that it's his. I focus and send my comfort to him, my small surety that we can learn to harness this also, though it grows until I'm picturing me holding him in my arms like he holds me in his. Ah...I back it off. I'm making him cry. It was too much. "Sorry." I say it softly and "release" the "arms" holding him slowly. I suspect just "disappearing" might be too much of a break. I take it down to a "holding hands" level, as if I'm sitting next to him. That's better. When he lets go of my "hand", I let the image in my head of me next to him fade slowly out until I'm back in my own body, so to speak. Really, it's all strange, just like everything else, and just as natural - odd, but natural. I sigh and put my head back down on my arms. Now I'm even more tired. That must take the same kind of energy the other ways of communicating do. I slip down into a curl on the bottom of the wagon and rather quickly fall asleep.
We are in Stenny and Glocia and I are both peeved. Apparently Niana is a ditz on her feet as well, and in cities where that is dangerous. We'd just gotten off the wagon in Stenny and were trying to figure out what was next when Glocia grabbed my sleeve and pulled on me. "Help me find Mother. She's wandered off again." I look around and sure enough, Niana is gone. Glocia immediately heads for the market.
"You know where to at least start looking?" I ask.
She nods. "She always goes where it is interesting - whatever that means in her head. Likely she thought something like 'I wonder where we'll set up in the market' and her feet got going. Once she gets there she'll see something else that will distract her. We'll have to check all the booths." Okay, but have you stopped to check the people? One glance and I'm already worried. Most are normal people, but the number of skulkers in the shadows is even more than in Calco on the way to Gaya's house, percentage wise. For just a moment I wish Glocia had the same kind of connection with her mother I have with Izark. We really need to get to her and get out.
It isn't quite so bad in the market itself. There are enough regular customers the ne'r do wells hang back. I'm missing my paper, pens, fabric, yarn, thread...I get distracted, too. I know Izark needs to save up most of the money for a sword. That has to be first. But I really want to have something to keep my hands busy, too. I'm already going crazy just the short distance we've already come. I stop and look at the prices on brushes and hair accessories and draw a sharp breath. I return to Glocia. "These are high prices, aren't they?" She was looking at some boots and shoes.
She nods back. "Yes. I wonder if the fee to set up a shop is high?" We look at each other, worried. We only have so much to spend since we need to be able to afford ship fare for the six of us. High fees, and high taxes, will cut into that.
I look around. "Have you seen your mother yet?" Glocia shakes her head. My 'spider sense' goes off. I carefully don't whip my head around, just casually glance another direction. Ah, damn. My heart actually cries. I casually take Glocia's hand. "Let's go try over here?" I lead her as best I can through the closing gap without acting panicked, though my heart already is. I get a return worry emotion from Izark. I tug on it and it gets stronger. He got the message. He's worried enough he's on his way.
"Hey, you two! Halt!" I pretend they weren't talking to us, and point out a random item on the merchant's blanket we are passing and make a comment I don't even hear. Glocia is looking at me like I'm strange, but the fear on my face must be getting through to her. She looks around. I pull on her hand to get her to stop looking.
Her intake of breath says she's just figured it out and she immediately turns away and tries to join my ploy to get us away from the not-soldiers of this city. "But really, Noriko, I do think the green one would be better."
"Well, maybe," I lengthen our strides just a little. She keeps up. "But I really like the brightness of yellow. It's so cheery. Add any color accent to it and it pops, too, don't you think?" I'm trying to keep her from running as that would be worse. Izark is almost to us. "But even better would be if he would buy it for you, you know?" I say to Glocia.
She nods heartily. "I wish he would, but...maybe you could get him to? You know, point it out to him and say 'wouldn't that look cute on her', or something like that?"
I laugh, meaning it. She's not had a girlfriend to shop with for a long time either, I can tell. It would be fun if we could spend even one day getting to really do that - without the fear of being grabbed by a goon in a uniform, preferably. "He's pretty dense, though, you know?" I answer, "Izark, on the other hand," I reach out and he takes my hand. I look up and I smile at him, "knows exactly what I want." Glocia looks down my arm and up his and into his face, staring at him in surprise. Izark leans down and kisses me, claiming me in front of all the eyes that want Glocia and I. I cling to her tightly, claiming her also. However, now we've stopped moving and the guards move to encircle us. I take a deep breath, trying to calm my fear so that Izark can think and move clearly. This is going to be a trial by fire.
"Hey, hey, are you three dissidents?" Whoever he is, he's self-important. Obviously one who uses the uniform to get exactly what he wants when he wants it.
"No," Izark answers back, "merchants. Can you point me the way to the city office? We were headed to get a permit." The man narrows his eyes at Izark. I start watching our back. Getting back into the old pattern is taking a while, since I've lived "normal" so long now. I shift in towards Glocia just a bit, making the hand coming my way miss. Izark swings around to glower at the man who got too close. The adrenaline starts to kick in and I immediately give up my hope for at least a ball of yarn and knitting needles. I think we need to make my knife the second purchase.
"No, I think we should take you to the station, first, just to make sure," the first man says as if he thought about it.
"Why? What have we done?" I ask calmly and in as innocent a voice as I can manage. "We were just looking to see if we had competition before we set up."
The man scowls at me. I pull on Glocia's hand, making her stumble a bit. The hand reaching for her gets a little of her hair and she squeaks in pain. I glower at the man who did it. Glocia starts to pay better attention to the people behind her that aren't talking. Having her an active defensive participant is easier. There are five of them after all. Izark's got two in sight and I do also, but the fifth one (who changes depending on where we're looking) keeps getting through. If she watches that one... 'Ouch!" I missed watching the fifth one and he's got me. Since I'm in the middle, that means he's got all of us. Izark, already on edge and pushed a little more by me being on edge, moves quickly and the man holding me is not and is on the ground five feet away. Oh, dear. The three of us kind of freeze. Now they do have a right to take us in.
"Hey, hey, are you resisting? Roughing an officer?" It's one of the other guards. Yup. You got it, slime bag.
"Hey! What's going on over here?!" It's coming from further down the thoroughfare. All of the men surrounding us get looks of sudden panic on their faces. I glance that way and see a hat headed for us. I like the potential combination. "What are you doing?" the face under the hat and the flowing, lightly curly blonde locks make me suddenly wish for a split second I wasn't already Izarks. Izark looks at me with his big surprised eyes for just a moment and I blush. That kind of feeling being passed along the connection is a problem I wish we weren't going to have to deal with. I studiously don't look at the officer again, though I can't get my fingers to stop itching to run through his hair. It takes a large breath and letting it out firmly to get that emotion under control. I interlock my fingers in Glocia's fingers instead, and hold on tightly, focusing on the peril we're in.
"Ah...squad leader. ...We were just interrogating them to see if they are dissidents."
The squad leader stops. "Morons. These are children, not hardened criminals. Where did you leave your eyes today? Go back and re-read the list of descriptions when you get off duty." Oh, yeah. I like him. He turns to us. I keep my eyes on his chest..no his feet. That's safer. I can feel Izark's quizzical confusion. I'll answer it later. "My apologies. They are worthless idiots." He bows slightly and leaves as if he was just the hall monitor breaking up the bullies again. Poor guy.
"Poor Lori," someone in the crowd agrees with me.
"They just like to bully people and have their way with women." Another tries to comfort us. That's pretty good that there are people in this town willing to even talk to us after we've been accosted. Lori must be a good hall monitor, protective of the people enough they don't mind talking about the bullies behind their backs. "The one, he's the son of a powerful political person, so he can't be crossed, but he is under Lori so has to do what he says." Ah, that's depressing. Lori has his hands full then keeping the CEO's son in check. The people pause and look at each other, then nervously say, "Ah, good luck with the permit," and walk off.
"Hmm," I look at Glocia.
"That was strange, there at the end," she says back.
I nod. "I hope it's not another son we're going to have to fight to get the permit...," I say. We might have just made life harder for ourselves, even if we didn't get taken to the station.
Izark walks us protectively back to Alef and Doros, then heads to find Niana himself. That's safer. I watch him duck into an alley, then a few seconds later he is up on the roofs of the houses. That's even safer...if no one sees him. I sigh and turn to Alef and Glocia who are calling me to head for the office to get the permit. It doesn't seem to be hard to get the permit and we are back at the wagon shortly after Izark gets back there with Niana. Alef gets us three rooms at the inn he's chosen, one for Izark and I, one for him and Doros, and one for Niana and Glocia. As soon as we're in our room, Izark points to the bed. I hop up and kneel on it. He sits down in a chair, looking at me. "What was that?"
I sigh. He's going to be direct so I can't escape. "Sorry." I look down at my fingers, which are intertwining. "It's rather difficult and embarrassing to have emotions that leak out. Women are emotional all the time anyway, even me for all I'm a [nerd] and prefer to be in my head." I hesitate, then point to the bed in front of me. I can tell he's already feeling it again. "Come sit here, your back to me. Just feel, then you'll understand better, maybe." I open up my heart to what I feel when I see him and his gorgeousness and he stops stunned for just a moment. I motion to get him moving again. He carefully sits down in front of me on the edge of the bed. I shift up and take his hair in my hand, just letting the emotions flow, though I try to keep them like a small stream and not a river. I wish I had a brush, but finger combing is just as pleasurable - just painful for the one getting the combing.
At first I'm pretty self-conscious about it, but eventually I fall into my trance. When I finally wake up, I realize that because I was feeding it to him, and he was the one getting his hair played with, it was accentuated more than normal. He's untrancing as well. He shakes his head to finish waking up. "When I see long hair on men, and even more so curly hair," the thrill goes through me and into him again, though I cut it off quickly, "...well, that. It's even worse when it's people like you that are beautiful to my eyes." My fingers are trying to braid his hair in knots even though they aren't touching him any more. He stares at them, as if he wants to make them stop.
"I was hoping to get at least a ball of yarn and a set of knitting needles today for the trip. My hands have been too still for too long. I'll be braiding your hair - and Alef's - on the trip otherwise. Knitting lets me feel the yarn, and put it into pleasing and useful shapes." I take a breath, then imagine simple knitting, my hands twitching along with the imagined motions. It's a calmer feeling than playing with hair, but he gets it. "But, we need a sword for you and a knife for me more."
He shakes his head violently. "We'll get them. No braids. Only women wear braids."
"Yeah, I figured, but I couldn't let you leave without doing it once. Thanks for wearing it as long as you did." I look up at him soberly. He sinks down into the chair again, considering. Then he looks away and turns pink.
"Yeah. It's going to go both ways," I say dryly. "I'll try to not get too jealous, if you do the same for me. I expect we'll get it figured out eventually, how to control which emotions go through and which don't and how much of them. Just, it's going to be hard here at the beginning. We don't hear each other's thoughts all the time, after all. I think it's just the extreme emotions, the ones that pop up over the normal level. I can feel you all the time as if you are always holding me, but the emotions are different. I can feel the lower level ones are below the surface of that warmth, that they are there, but they don't 'speak' to me. I haven't tried to go fishing, and I don't want to. But when they leap out and scream 'look at me!' I don't have much choice, and you don't either - at least right now. You're better at controlling them than I am, but I'm better at recognizing them. ...But then, I've had practice. You're face doesn't show much to the world. I've had to read them in your eyes for a long time now."
He looks at me and I'm feeling his love for me. It's a little like having water suddenly flowing at you that is unexpected, so I gasp just a little, but it's warm. I know he's purposely sent it, too. "Too much?" he asks, worried.
I shake my head. "Just right, actually. Like I said, your control is better. Like I want to lecture in detail, I want to give it all to you all at once so you really understand and know it all. I'll keep working on that. I already know that overwhelming isn't good...even though I just did it." I deflate, frustrated with myself. "Sorry." Izark smiles his small tolerant smile at me. He's holding himself from joining me on the bed and I'm starting to not be able to fight it. We are saved by a knock at the door.
"Sorry, to bother you, but we need to talk about the permit." I think they sound like rather scary words. It isn't all that bad, though. They've just put us so far out of the normal path of the market it isn't hardly in the market at all. No casual sales there. Alef and I both look up at Izark, and Alef says the (potentially) fateful words, "You'll bring them in, right?"
Izark and I both sigh and this time we feel each other's fear. I tamp it, trying to not let it explode from resonating between us. We both are thoughtful, finally I say to him, "Izark, we've just started on this path. The force of good wants something from us. If you keep it simple, and do just what needs to be done we will be used for good again. I know that time was frightening for us, but we were given the rainbow just before it, and because of it we were placed to help these very people." I might be able to say more, but that much has helped anchor my emotions and I am now hauling on his, holding the rope firmly in my hands and need to focus on that so he can finish pulling himself out of the depths and back onto dry land. I take a breath. It helps, that imagery, actually. I plant my feet and become the dock on the shore, sure of my statement and it's truth, but allowing him to find his own balance, moor his own boat. After a moment more, I feel him reach his own consensus and the emotions return to normal for both of us.
"Thank you, Noriko." I nod slightly, taking another breath to release our tight connection. "Alright, Alef. I'll do it. They saw me anyway today on the roofs when I was looking for Miss Niana. Small town people notice everything it seems. Do you have anything I can wear, or should we go pick something up?" Alef frowns slightly.
"Yeay, a shopping trip and Alef's buying!" I call out.
"Ah, hey, wait!" Alef says.
I've already grabbed Glocia's hand and am dragging her to the door. "I haven't shopped with a girlfriend in ages," I say to her, then give a wicked grin to Alef. Alef is staring at me in shock and disbelief, then he wilts.
He looks at Izark accusingly. Izark gives him an innocent look and shrugs, then moves to follow us, taking Alef's upper arm almost casually on the way. "We can't let them go alone. Last time I barely got to them before the corrupt officials did."
Alef sighs. "Yeah, you're right. The Bonya clan is too powerful in this city, and there's more riff-raff than last year when we went through."
Glocia turns back. "Mother, you will stay here with Doros, do you hear me?! If you aren't here when I get back, I'm going to leave you behind rotting in jail, or wherever you end up."
Niana wilts into herself. "Yes, dear. I'll go take a nap."
Glocia glares at her, then at Doros. "Make sure she gets to her room. Even that far and she'll be lost." Doros stares at her, then finally nods. It's right next door. I giggle into my hand lightly and pull on Glocia again, practically skipping out the door.