Author's Note: if you've never listened to First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes, I suggest that you do for the ending of this chapter. It's the song that I imagine playing in the background for uh- what happens. Enjoy! :)

You Only Live Twice

Part 21

First Day Of My Life

"What are you doing?"

Cuddy's head snapped up from the couch to look at House, who had gone white, as he realized what she'd come across.

She'd been so caught up in what she'd found, that she hadn't heard him arrive.

But his face said it all, he'd been caught redhanded...

They both stood at a stand still, staring at each other and waiting for the other to speak.

But Cuddy had no idea where to start. Admittingly, part of her wasn't all that surprised. In the back if her mind she'd known that him relapsing was a possibility. What she hadn't expected was that it would be like this, pain free.

"How long?" She broke the silence.

House sighed, and finally put down his backpack, "It's not what you think."

She shook her head, "Don't bullshit me, how long?"

He opened his mouth a couple times, but just sighed instead.

"I knew something was going on, that morning at the hospital. I should have known."

House tilted his head up to the ceiling a little and breathed in deeply, "I wasn't high."

"Maybe not- but you were going through withdrawals, weren't you?" She pressed, moving away from the couch and walking towards him.

He swallowed, and licked his lips, looking around the room, then finally settling on Cuddy. He flapped his arm, "Yes."

Cuddy had crossed her arms, and moved her jaw to the side, "You lied to me. I asked you if something else was going on and you lied."

"I tend to do that, based on the fact that I'm an addict", he explained sarcastically, going towards the couch to pick up the metal box.

Before he even had a chance to, Cuddy put her hand on top of it, preventing him from grabbing it, "You don't feel remorse? At all?"

House's eyes traveled to the kitchen, and he sniffed, then went back to Cuddy, "Did you order in?"

"No, Marina made dinner- don't deflect. We need to talk-"

House walked away and into the kitchen, leaving Cuddy in mid sentence, "What did she make?"

She followed behind him, "Can you focus for one moment on what we were talking about?"

"But I'm hungry- is that lasagna?" He took a fork from a drawer and took a piece from the tray plopping it in his mouth, "Wow- you gotta try this."

"House! Stop!" Her anger had reached a level he was all too familiar with.

He dropped the fork with a sense of defeat and finished swallowing the lasagna with a sigh, "Fine. What? I relapsed, and I stopped. And now I'm clean, so this is all rather pointless."

"Why did you relapse?"

He scoffed, and shrugged sarcastically, "Oh I don't know? Maybe because I'm an addict?"

"I think, it's because you didn't know how to handle your mother's death. Because Wilson lied to you, and because I kissed Atticus-"

"I'm clean, are you forgetting that part? Or is it just completely irrelevant?"

Cuddy exhaled and shook her head hastily, "But for how long? A week? A month? How long will it be until you decide you can't handle something else without pills? Or find some other way to numb yourself?"

He looked at her blankly, "I'm fine. I'm happy."

"No, actually you're not. I'm a temporary high for you House. It's not going to last. You have so many repressed, unresolved feelings surging through you right now, and I'm your distraction for the moment. But after this stops being exciting for you, you're going to crash."

He was looking at her seriously now, and swallowed, "What are you saying? That you're done?"

Cuddy screwed up her face, "No! of course not. I'm not going to drop you because you're broken...I just want you to get help."

"I'm fine."

"Maybe right now, but not in the long run. And I need you to be, I can't be your life-vest, I can't have that responsibility."

"And if I refuse? What then?"

He wouldn't look at her, instead he was looking down. It was an indication to Cuddy that there was something else, something he wasn't saying.

"What aren't you telling me?" Cuddy trembled, a little afraid that House wouldn't meet her eyes.

He had licked his lips and shrugged, even looked up, but he still couldn't meet her eyes, "I...just don't know what your expectations are."

"What are you talking about?"

"I dont want you to get the wrong idea."

Cuddy blinked, "Just spit it out, what are you talking about?"

He inhaled a little and finally looked at her, "I was right. This isn't going to work."

"Because I want you to get some help?"

"It's not going to work, because you want to mold me into a daddy figure for your growing fetus. I'm not that guy...I'll never be that guy."

She wasn't sure if she should laugh or frown at him.

"You think I want you to be some type of father figure?...I never expected you to be that. I just selfishly want you in my life- for me."

He exhaled and rubbed his temple, "I can't be in your life and not your kid's, it's inevitable that I'll have to be around-...him."

She blinked, "We'll address that when the time comes. Right now, we need to worry about you, because I need you House, and I love you."

Cuddy had made it up to his chest, and had worked her hands up to his face, bringing it down to kiss him, "Please don't shut me out."

House merely stood there though, like a stone figure, unable to react to her ministrations. She knew he was afraid of letting go, because even though they were together- he still kept her at arms length.

"I know you think love is conditional, that it can be quantified and calculated. But even if you burnt down my house, I wouldn't be able to stop loving you."

It was slow, but Cuddy found his hand slowly slipping to her back, bringing her in to him, and he buried his head into the crook of her neck, letting out a breath of whatever it was he kept holding in.

"I'm going to make an appointment for you to see Nolan."

House tensed up, "I don't need to spill my tortured soul to anyone. I'm fine Cuddy."

There was no way he could think that, and she knew it. He was just scared, "Can you just try it once? If It doesn't work, we'll go from there, but I just want you to try it."

"Fine."

It was forced, and he clearly wasn't happy about it, but it would have to do for the moment.

xxxoxxxo

House needed her, had to have her.

He'd initiated it this time, starting with pulling her towards the bedroom, while attacking her neck with hungry kissing.

House had felt her respond, with a hitch of her breath, and let him lead her to his room- feeling as if they both needed the release. She'd gone happily too, immediately responding to his every touch.

Their sudden insane desire for each other had taken away the slow, romantic-ness of it. Instead they'd been driven by complete lust and ardor, as every article of clothing found its home on his mahogany wooden floor.

They were silent through all of it, except for one-worded statements to convey a demand.

And with one move he was inside her. He paused for a second to wallow in the feel of her, before moving back out and in again.

He watched as her eyes clouded from the ecstasy she felt, and she let out small mewed sounds while he moving in her.

He wanted to take his time, and go slow for their first time in twenty years, but just found himself going faster with every slow moan that escaped her parted lips.

Their bodies tangled, and he dove deeper in her with every thrust, holding her hip with one hand, and using the other move both her hands over her head.

Cuddy didn't object, but instead pushed herself further down, to help him go as far in as possible.

Her breath became shallower, and she arched her back as his pace quickened. He felt her tighten around him and House bent down to smash his lips with hers, as she came.

And as he watched her body shake with the aftermath, he followed, emptying inside her, and fell next to her, with his chest rising and falling.

After a few moments, Cuddy turned over to him with a smile plastered on her face, "That was...like I remembered."

House frowned, and waited trying to catch his breath a little, "Are you trying to say I was bad?"

"Oh god no, that was- amazing. I'd just forgotten why I compared you to every other guy I slept with", she let out closing her eyes and exhaling.

House couldn't stop a smile from forming on his lips, "You weren't so bad yourself. Although, I was expecting a lot more bondage."

Cuddy turned to him and laughed, reaching over to kiss him, "Round two?"

He frowned, underneath her, "Seriously?"

She nodded, but he didn't have a chance to say no, once he felt her hand slip down his stomach to make his eyes close in bliss.

xxxoxxxo

After they'd gone their second round, House lay down on his bed, looking at his white ceiling- attempting to understand what he felt in his chest.

It was anxiety and impending doom.

He swallowed, and turned over to see Cuddy's slumbering, naked body next to his. She looked peaceful, without a care in the world, with her arm draped on his chest.

House licked his lips, feeling remorse. Knowing it would all end bad, and having a dark pit fill his stomach. It was getting harder to catch his breath, every intake became shorter, shallower.

Slowly, he pulled away from her and got up, slipping on his briefs, and jeans as his eyes scanned the room for his t-shirt.

Even as he found it, the ache grew in his chest. He felt it tighten, and the pang became stronger. He felt like a fool for thinking it might work out- Cuddy was wrong.

She'd leave him, she would push him aside as soon as she had the baby- his subconscious kept telling him, and if she didn't, he would find a way of hurting her. He'd do something so depraved, that she'd be forced to leave him.

He licked his lips and felt the blood being pumped through his body, needing to calm down, but he couldn't.

House looked at her one last time as he shifted in his bed, and walked into the hallway- beginning to see stars as he walked.

As he got to the living room, his eyes fell on the green metal container that they'd both forgotten about.

He didn't stop and think about what he was doing, he just took his mom's prescription bottle, and plopped three pills down his throat with a dry swallow.

It was after he'd done it, and had instantly felt some of the anxiety in his chest subside, that he realized what he'd just done- and mentally cursed.

House looked at the prescription bottle in his hand, and made a fist around it, closing his eyes in regret. He could almost see the disappointment on her face, if she were to see him.

If Cuddy woke up, she'd know what he'd done.

He had to get out of there.

xxxoxxxo

It was nice living with Cameron, Wilson decided.

Sure, having your room cleaned every day, with a complimentary mint on your bed was nice, he thought. But nothing beat, having a home cooked meal, and the warm embrace of her arms over him as they slept.

That night in particular, Cameron was filling in for someone in the ER, since they were short staffed. Which had left the apartment alone for Wilson to enjoy.

He'd turned on the history channel, and was watching 'The Rise and Fall of Joseph Stalin', while he enjoyed a rotisserie chicken, with red skinned mashed potatoes.

Domestic lifestyle was definitely for him, especially with Cameron. She was unlike any of his ex-wives, and for a while he'd began feeling that she was the one.

However, he'd learned from his previous three marriages, to take it slow. It wasn't to say that he wasn't sure about Cameron, he just wanted to avoid making the same mistake and have House rub it in his face.

As he watched the show, Wilson dropped his fork, and bent down to pick it up- but was taken off guard by a sudden slow knock at the door.

He glanced up at the clock on the wall, and frowned, wondering who it would be at eleven-thirty, almost midnight.

And as he'd gotten up to check to see who it was through the peephole, his frown became confusion, at seeing House.

But when he opened the door to see his friend, leaning his body and head on the door frame, with half lidded eyes, he frowned.

"Hey Jimmy", he let out rather tiredly.

Wilson sighed, moving aside to let him in, "You're stoned."

House slowly made his way over to the couch, and fell down on it, closing his eyes, "You must be psychic or something."

"You drove like this?" He shrieked.

"It only kicked in when I got here." He lied.

"What happened?" Wilson asked, as a million things ran through his head. He wasn't sure if he should strangle him, yell, take him straight to a rehab facility, or what. But what he was sure about, was that something must have happened if he was coming to him- high out of his mind.

House opened his glassy eyes halfway, "I slept with Cuddy."

"Were you that bad? Or was it her?" He asked blinking.

His friend slowly shook his head, "She was amazing, and I'm always good."

Wilson began to get impatient, "So what happened? How did you go from sleeping with Cuddy to showing up here, stoned out of your mind?"

"I don't- I don't know", he paused looking at the ceiling, truly confused through his drug-addled haze, "I just- freaked...and she was asleep, I didn't think about it, I just-"

"Decided that the next best step was to do heroin again?"

House's head snapped up, "No, I only took oxy."

Wilson rubbed his face with a sigh, "Oh, only? Well that's a relief...Did you steal my prescription pad again?"

His friend shook his head, "I left her a note, saying I was coming over. I just need to sleep it off, and then everything will be fine. She doesn't have to know."

"No", Wilson scoffed, placing his hands in his hips, "Everything will not be fine. You said you were getting clean-"

"I was, then I took some pills. Now as soon as they wear off, I will be again- and I'll be out of your way", he mumbled letting his arm fall down off the couch.

For a moment, Wilson labored his breathing, attempting to not explode on House.

He bent down and grabbed House's arm, surprising him in the process and forcing him to stand up, "We're going- right now."

House frowned at him, "What?"

"It's either Cuddy or rehab, decide."

He swallowed, "Rehab."

xxxoxxxo

He should have known better. As soon as he'd found out that House had been experimenting with Heroin, he should have told Cuddy and forced him into rehab. But as always, he'd foolishly believed that House could get better, that he'd manage to be ok.

Wilson turned over to look at House, who was leaning his head against the glass window and watched the buildings as they drove by, to PPTH.

He hadn't said anything, but the fact that he was going without argument, told him he was aware of how bad it was.

Even as they'd gotten to the hospital, and into the elevator in the middle of the night, House was going willingly.

He sat silently in a plastic chair, while Wilson went to sign him in and get the forms to have him admitted.

After he'd gotten the forms, and walked back to House, he handed the clipboard to him.

House looked up and took it with a small sigh, "Thanks."

Wilson took a seat next to him and had a thought.

It was that House, as messed up and stubborn as he was, knew that he needed help. He needed someone to push him- it's why he'd gone to his apartment, when he could have, just as easily gone to a bar, or a park to wait out his high.

And his thanks, was for that- it was for pushing him into rehab. Of course, he'd never admit it, therefore Wilson wouldn't ask him about it.

When he was done filling the paper out, House handed it back to Wilson and rested his elbows on his knees, with his head in is hands, "She's going to leave me."

"No she won't. Because that's what your stupid self-destructive side wants. You want her to leave you, so you have no reason to go through with this, and therefore you can continue your downward spiral", Wilson let out in one breath.

House rubbed his face, "If she doesn't, it'll only be so I stay."

Wilson frowned at him, "You know, self-pity has never been your thing."

"What can I say? I'm branching out from self-destruction and self-loathing", he muttered as a nurse walked out with a chart.

They both looked up, and Wilson was relieved to see it wasn't anyone familiar. The last thing House needed was the nurses gossiping about him.

As they both stood up, House gave him one last look and swallowed, "Well, here goes nothing."

Wilson gave him a look, "You're gonna to be fine House."

House shifted his eyes around a bit, and nodded before following the nurse into the admitting room.

xxxoxxxo

She'd tried calling him seven times, by the time she'd walked into the hospital.

Even Wilson, who had answered, had been vague about House's presence at his apartment, and had only said they'd see her at the hospital.

After she'd gotten filled in by Nurse Brenda on any pertinent details, Cuddy made her way up to Houses's office.

But as she walked by their glass wall, and looked in, all she saw were his fellows.

She opened the door and looked at the only one that would have a clue as to where he was- Cameron.

"Where is he?"

Her eyes automatically got big, and Cuddy noticed her swallow, "You should talk to Wilson."

She clicked her jaw to the side, "Did he got over to Wilson's last night or not?"

Cameron nodded her head.

"Then where is he?" She pressed, only feeling a tiny bit better.

"Cuddy", she turned to see Wilson standing at the door behind her. He sighed, "Can we talk?"

She nodded numbly, trembling at the way he'd asked her to follow him into his office.

Cuddy hoped for the best, to see House sleeping off a hangover on his couch, but as they both walked into Wilson's office- he wasn't there.

"Where is he?" She asked, getting straight to the point.

Wilson inhaled deeply, smiling tightly, "Rehab."

Cuddy frowned, "Did you trick him? Or-"

"He showed up last night at our apartment, stoned out of his mind. I told him he had two choices, face you or go to rehab. He...chose rehab", he said bluntly.

She felt hurt, sure and angry that he'd gotten high again, but mostly relieved, "Well, I'm glad- I guess. I sort of imagined him at a strip bar, when I saw the note."

"There's something else", Wilson paused letting out a scoff and smiling sadly, looking up, "And he's going to hate me again, for telling you, but...you have to know...he was doing heroin."

Cuddy felt her stomach drop, and swallowed, "Last night?"

"No. It was before that incident with Atticus. He'd been doing it for weeks. Cameron found his-stash, and we confronted him about it", he paused again, "Just- look if you're going to dump him, can it at least wait until after he completes the program?"

She frowned, "Why do you guys think I would just leave him? You're acting as if I don't know him. I knew what I was getting myself into with House. He's damaged, and broken, but I can't just stop loving him because of who he is."

Wilson let out a breath, "Well that's a relief."

"It just hurts that he wouldn't come to me. He doesn't trust me", Cuddy said, feeling her eyes fill with tears.

"He's scared of being happy, so he had to sabotage himself, so that at least his misery would be on his own terms", Wilson laughed rubbing her back, "It's a compliment, in a twisted way. You mean too much to him."

xxxoxxxo

House was sitting on top of a desk by the window, smoking a cigarette, when Cuddy walked in to the lounge room of the rehab wing.

When he spotted her, he put out the cigarette in the ashtray, and swallowed nervously, as she approached him, "So, by now you've talked to Wilson."

She nodded, and sat up on the desk next to him, getting help from him in the process as she found it difficult to get up on it with her growing stomach.

"You're a fool", she smiled sadly at him.

He let out a breath and looked out the window, "You can stay at my place as long as you need. I know you don't want to go back to yours."

"I'm not breaking up with you." She stated.

House looked at her for a moment, then down and fidgeted with his itching hospital bracelet, "You should. I'll probably do it again."

"You're not getting rid of me that easily", Cuddy placed a hand on his arm, "So stop trying to force me out."

"You do realize that I'm unstable, unhinged, and a narcissistic misanthrope, who is a terrible choice for a boyfriend to someone who's about to pop a kid out, right?"

Cuddy couldn't help at laugh, "And you realize that I don't care, right?"

House half smiled at her, "You're insane Lisa Cuddy."

She shrugged, and just looped her arm a little tighter around his, "Takes one to know one."

He shook his head, "This is going to be a disaster."

"Well, where would the fun be, if it went smoothly?"

House turned to look at her, and Cuddy thought for a moment that he would get up and walk away, ask her to leave or something along those lines, because his upset face conveyed that. Instead, he grabbed her cheeks with both of his hands and kissed her passionately.

It made a shiver explode in her body, having his lips on hers. It always felt like the first time with him, and he'd never stop making her feel like that, even with all his problems.

When they parted, he took a breath and stared at her seriously, "I am in love you...just to be clear."

xxxoxxxo

Two Months Later

Cuddy sat at her desk, getting bad heartburn, feeling her baby kick and her lower back ache in agony, in-between attempting to read through some of the inter-department memos she was behind on.

With only two weeks to gone fore her due date, she'd been advised by the board to start her maternity leave, but Cuddy had opted against it.

She couldn't imagine what she'd do with herself with a whole two weeks off. His room was already ready. It had been decorated with Wilson's help- out of everyone.

He'd suggested a nautical theme, and she'd ended up loving it. There were navy blue and white stripes on the bedding of the crib, and a beautiful canvas of a red sailboat hanging on the wall above it.

She'd had a huge baby shower, thrown by the hospital, that even her sister and mom had been in on. The only person that had been missing from the soirée was House.

From what she'd been told, he'd been invited, and Wilson had managed for him to get a day pass so he could attend it, but House had declined. And Cuddy understood, he didn't want to give false illusion to the idea that he was somehow involved in the pregnancy- after all, everyone was already gossiping about the fact that he was the father to her baby.

Everything was all ready to go for the arrival of her son. The only thing that was missing was a name. She'd gotten a lot of input on the subject. Her mother had asked her name him after her own father, her sister Julia had agreed. Everyone had pitched in an idea- even House, who had momentarily joked around and said she should name her son after him- but immediately took it back.

As she struggled to get up, to take something over to the trash bin, she looked down, feeling something wet between her legs, and almost gasped as she realized she was bleeding.

xxxoxxxo

"So tell us Greg, what would you like to share today?" Counselor Ben asked him, or what was now the fiftieth time.

House licked his lips ,wanting to make a comment about the fact that his monotone voice irritated him, and how he was a lousy counselor. However, he'd learned that negative comments would only earn him more one-on-one time with Dr Nolan, and his lame analyzations on his deep-rooted issues.

So he took a deep breath and opened his mouth to comment on the fact that he'd enjoyed his green jello that day, and how it had only been mildly tasteless, when Cameron barged trough the door.

She was frazzled, and had blood over all over her black slacks and white coat, but she seemed to not care, and searched for House.

He would have laughed and made a snide joke about her appearance, had he not realized how she was trembling.

When she spotted him, she spoke up, "Cuddy went into labor, she's on her way to the OR for an emergency c-section because she developed preeclampsia."

House seemed at a loss for words, but after a moment stood up and started following her out of the common room, "What happened?"

"Greg you can't just leave the center-" Ben the counselor began to say, when Both House and Cameron turned to look at him.

"Excuse me, but the Dean of medicine trumps a stupid group session", Cameron spat out for him.

They left, and House was only shocked for a second before he remembered what was at hand, "What do we think it is? And by we, I mean everyone else."

Cameron looked terrified, "We think it's a placental abruption, brought on by the abdominal trauma that happened during her second trimester."

House followed her as they got on to the elevator heading towards the OR, and thinking over their diagnosis, "Who came up with the diagnosis?"

"Chase", she said pressing the button, she turned to him, "Why? Do you think it's something else?"

He shrugged, "No, I agree."

Cameron looked at him, and sighed as the elevator opened, "I didn't come get you to help us diagnose, she asked for you."

House followed her quick pace, "Where's Wilson, he has a better bedside manner than I do."

Cameron stopped right before the entrance to the OR and placed her hands on her hips, "He's at an oncology conference in California. Besides, she specifically asked for you, just hold her hand or something, and tell her it's going to be ok."

House swallowed and scrubbed in, feeling a little numb through the entire thing, because he had no business being there. He didn't want to be there, because he had nothing to do with what was happening.

But even then, he found his feet taking him next to a pale Cuddy on the OR table, as they had already began prepping her for the c-section.

A nurse mentioned something to Chase, who turned and looked at House and let out a sigh of relief, "Thank god, she wouldn't stop asking for you."

House walked up next to Cuddy, who was asleep, "She's out."

As Hourani cut into her abdomen, Chase nodded, "I know, we had to give her general anesthesia, but she was adamant about wanting you here."

"What for? I was having a break- through and riveting group session. Besides, It looks like you all have it under control."

"-Because she wanted you to be the first to hold the baby once he comes out."

House frowned, "That's not fair, what did I do?"

But as he said that, he heard the first cries of the bloody baby coming out of the placenta, after Hourani tapped his butt.

Only seconds afterwards, the baby was handed to him, and he looked down at the wailing, bloody, baby girl.

House smirked and looked up a Chase, "You should fire Taub, he can't read the sex of a fetus off a sonogram."

But as he spoke, she quieted down, and House looked back down at her seeing as she blinked at him, with watery bright, blue eyes.

His smirk went away and he frowned, watching her wrap her tiny hand around his finger, as he ignored everyone talking around him.

It was only when a nurse grabbed her from him to clean her up, that House snapped out of his haze and swallowed, looking up at an annoyed Chase, "You need to move, so we can close her up."

House nodded, stepping back, and followed the nurse into the adjoining room, where Cuddy's baby was being rinsed off while she wailed again. They checked her lungs, heart, and collected small samples of blood for routine testing, before they swaddled her up, and brought her back to House.

He shook his head, "No-no, put her in the crib-" he attempted to explain, taking a step back.

The nurse ignored his protests though, after they both noticed her stop crying as he cooped her back up in his arms.

She looked around with her eyes, searching for something, and House was almost certain that she looked at him, before closing her eyes and letting out a breath.

He did to, and swallowed- feeling something dramatically change in his chest.

Preview Part 22:

House smiled at a groggy Cuddy, "If I were you, I'd ask for your money back."

"Why?"

"No really, I'd return everything you've gotten, and ask for your money back- because Taub gave you the wrong sex."

Cuddy smiled, "It's a girl?"

He nodded, and rested his arms on the side of her bed, "She has very strong lungs too, you should hear her."

Cuddy teared up, "Where is she? I want to hold her."

"Sleeping. Thanks to yours truly."

"You put her to sleep?" She looked at him stunned.

He nodded, and then frowned at her, "I still stand by what I said before though, don't get any babysitting ideas."