XXI

"When the world ends

Collect your things

You're coming with me"

When the world ends – Dave Matthew's Band

"Don't look at me bitch" he used to say when he turned her over to the wall and took her body. He grabbed her neck and pressed her head to the cold surface. She felt her cheek scrape the stone, tasted the tears and blood that travelled down her face.

It's not that it didn't hurt. It did. It's not that she didn't like it. She didn't. But she felt nothing but her own imprisonment. A bird in a cage, not even able to flap its wings in an attempt to escape.

Those were the worse times, when Ed got home drunk and frustrated. Those were the times that she waited for him to pass out so she could take Sophia from her bed in the middle of the night and run to the shelter.

Never again would she run from anything. She would stay and fight.

She had loved Daryl since the moment she allowed herself to love him. For the longest time he lived at the back of her mind. She avoided even thinking too much about him as a 'real man', just as she avoided to imagine the world going back to what it was before: illusions and disillusions. She felt a connection, but who was she to think that there was more there than just a sweet heart who saw someone damaged in need of some kindness. He had always been kind to her.

But then he took off with Merle, left the group, and she felt empty and sad. Life was happening, but he started living somewhere else other than hidden under layers of every other thought she had had.

After that, he returned and then there were other times they had been apart, and the known desperation of being without him was her driver, her strength.

The way he always did the honorable thing took her breath away. The way he looked at her made her feel that maybe she was imagining it. Made her feel like the end of the world didn't matter all that much. Whether she wanted it or not, the power of the touch, the might of sharing one's intimacy was inexorably powerful.

She would do everything to be with him always. He was her 'real man', the love of her life, he owned her heart and her body, and she would never let it go.

But she had some clean up to do first.

"Carol, we have a good thing going on here. A good thing that is worth keeping. I'm not proud of every decision I have made in the past, I'm not. But if it justifies our survival, our being alive, I think that it was all worth it."

Rick took a deep breath, put his hands on his waist, and closing his eyes he continued.

"Pete… I shouldn't have… done it, with everybody watching. People were seeing me as a lunatic, I understand that now and I can't go back there. This is politics, something that we have not been used to. We need to be prepared, we need to be strong, but we also need more, for the greater good… The war is over."

Carol watched Daryl walking away as she heard Rick. It felt wrong. It felt empty.

People were leaving church and calmly walking to their houses. Quietly… dispersing carefully, looking at them over their shoulders, scared.

Jessie was the only one walking away fast, taking Sam and Hannah by the hand.

Rick kept talking "I understand that Daryl wants to leave. I do, trust me. I would never force him to be here Carol, never. You have to believe me".

"I do Rick, I do believe you. He stayed here because of me. Not you. But you didn't back him up. I didn't back him up…" she looked at her own bare hands so that she wouldn't have to stare at Daryl disappearing as he turned to Aaron and Eric's house at a distance "and he never let us down Rick".

Rick held Carol's hand with a strong grip. "I'm sorry Carol, I didn't mean to hurt you or him. You both mean a lot to me. Family."

"I know Rick, I believe you, but you are losing your sight. You're wrong… War isn't over. Someone will want to take over sooner or later… Someone from the outside perhaps. Someone who discovers what a perfect little organized town you have here, and wants it to himself."

"No… no Carol, I know I was a sceptic when I arrived, but I do believe it now. We are special… This is special. We are going to make history. This is the beginning, this is where it all starts…"

"And you and Jessie are going to be the perfect couple? Adam and Eve of the new Era?" She interrupted. "Is that what you want? Remember when Shane wanted the same thing with Lori?"

Rick darted a surprised look at her. He had never discussed Lori and Shane with Carol, but he knew that she was smart and perceptive. Her reference triggered a sense of shame inside him, something that he wasn't accustomed to. Something he didn't allow himself to feel ever. It was part of leading, of being a leader. Her comparison was accurate. He had lusted for another man's wife. He had killed that man, masking his reasons for doing so, under the guise of caution and justice. If Shane had succeeded, once upon a time, he would be the one laying under the ground.

She stepped closer to him, took his face in her hand, and looked him in the eyes. "Maybe war is already happening. From the inside. You've been patching up breaches on the walls, but they just keep the bad seeds inside. If you allow yourself to see…"

"Carol, Rick, I'm sorry to interrupt… I thought I could stay put, but wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't come to warn you" Aaron approached crossing the street towards them running.

"Daryl's gone… he's gone for good… Didn't take his bike, his crossbow was missing, and he just left…"

A shot of panic went through Carol's eyes. She thought she would have more time.

"Aaron, I'm taking the bike OK? I'll be right over your house. Rick, you have to come with me".

Rick didn't ask any questions, he just followed her to her house. When she got there, Carol asked him to stay at her doorstep. A few minutes later she reappeared with a leather strapped backpack slung over her shoulders.

Rick stared at her. He knew what she was doing. He didn't have to ask.

"You can come back anytime Carol you know that. I'll always be here for you and Daryl"

Carol stared into Rick's eyes, and spoke from the depths of her heart "I know this is not it for us. I know we'll see each other again…" she paused and smiled "maybe on the other side or maybe in Alexandria. I'd love to see Judith growing older and becoming a woman". Ricks eyes were gleaming. Carol didn't fight the tears from falling. Saying goodbye to this man, so flawed and so strong at the same time, was hard. "You know I have to be with him, Rick".

Rick nodded staring blankly at the street. She took him by the hand and they both walked to Jessie's house. At her doorstep she put her bag down and knocked.

Rick started to say "what are you doing…?" but Carol made a motion with her hand for him to shut up as she stared at the door. Her expression now hard and cold.

"What do you want? Please leave…" Jessie said not opening the front door all the way.

"Where's Sam?" Carol asked. Jessie didn't answer, she kept shaking her head and looking at Rick, silently asking him to go away with her eyes.

Carol pushed her away from the door, grabbing Rick's arm so he would follow her inside. She stared at Jessie, eyes wide open, and grabbed her shoulders "Jessie, listen to me, and listen to me good. This is not your fault. None of it is your fault. Follow me." Jessie was perplexed, gaping at her.

Carol entered Sam's bedroom. He and Hanna sat on the bed perfectly composed, as if they were expecting her.

"You little troublemaker, where is it?" Carol asked. "Hanna? Where is it, tell me!" Hanna whispered in Sam's ear, and Sam answered "We don't know what you are talking about Miss Carol".

"It's over you little brats. Show me where you are keeping the guns you've been stealing from the Armory" Carol demanded.

At this accusation Jessie reacted with a defensive move, but Rick told her to be quiet. And they all stared at the children silently.

Carol caught Sam quickly staring at a floor boards and then trying to disguise it. And then she knew. She kneeled and rapped her knuckles on the floor until she felt something loose and hollow beneath her. She took the board that covered a hiding under the floor and found Daryl's crossbow, his arrows and a Superman gym bag that she opened to find three guns and a lot of ammo.

She looked up at Rick "Finders, keepers. I'll let you deal with the rest here... Send my love to the rest of the group for me?"

Rick bowed his head at her and as she left the room carrying her weapons she could hear Hanna starting to yell obscenities at Rick and Jessie. She knew Rick had it covered now.

After she said her goodbyes to Eric she left their house towards the main gate. Aaron at her side, walking while holding the motorcycle's handlebars with both hands. She had loaded the motorcycle with the gym bag she had found at Jessie's, Daryl's crossbow and her backpack. She carried on her back and extra riffle, given by Aaron, with its sling draped across her torso.

She hugged Aaron who passed her the bike's handles so she could carry on by herself through the gate he opened then and quickly closed after she crossed it.

She could see a tiny figure of a man down the road. He had his back turned to her but he wasn't moving. «I'm coming babe» she thought playfully to herself. The bike was heavy as hell, so she walked slowly and carried its weight with effort.

Shots came from the tower, taking down a few walkers that were approaching Carol. She half turned back, put her right hand over her heart and then stretched her arm in the air making a peace sign with her fingers «thank you Sasha» she thought.

Maybe it was the sound from the shots, or maybe it was just pure instinct that made Daryl turn around and see Carol coming to him. He ran to her as fast as he could, took the bike's support foot down so she could be freed from the weight and held her with such a force that they fell to the ground.

"Shit Carol, are you stealin' stuff again?" He said trying to keep a serious face, but beaming behind his eyes. "Never! These are wedding gifts from our friends, darling…" He crushed her lips with his and took her mouth greedily.