I'm a dork... I had iTunes open, and then I closed it to start this chapter... Since I actually bought this episode off iTunes... I kind of need iTunes open to watch it! And now my computer's being slow for some unknown reason. Oi vey. Oh, and do not play with your food unless you want your fingers to smell like onions! Okay, now that I am done boring you with my menial tasks, we start off with Jennsen, who is living with some family.
Jennsen: Oh you pretty little child! Eat my stew for I gave all the nasty vegetables to your Daddy!
Child: Yay!
Enter Man.
Man: Zomg Jennsen! D'Harans are here, searching every building for you and The Boxes of Orden! You have to flee! But first: Take this Al Qaeda stone! If you get caught by the D'Harans, eat it so you will die before they torture you.
Jennsen: (Takes boxes, stone, and flees.)
Suddenly D'Harans barge through the door. The leader of the group, who looks very much like leaders we've seen in past episodes, starts shoving men around and demanding to see Jennsen. The family plays stupid.
Jennsen spends all night and morning running until... She trips, falls, and almost lands into a lake. She hears D'Harans nearby, thus tosses the bag of boxes into the lake. Shortly after, the D'Harans catch her and she loses the Al Qaeda stone. Not good.
Meanwhile, Richard and Zedd are all chillin' by a campfire whilst Kahlan sleeps.
Richard: (Reading) "Zedd gave the boundary warden a sidelong glance. 'Because she knows more about the Underworld than anyone alive.'" The End! (Shuts book.) Wow! That was a good book! Now that I'm finished reading it, I can discuss how I'm gonna defeat Rahl! Wait... Holy crap cats! I have to put all three Boxes of Orden together to defeat Darken Rahl! But... Last time I did that, I was corrupted! Oh rattails! What am I gonna do?!
Zedd: Simple! You just have to learn to possess the power of Orden.
Richard: Well in The Book of Counted Shadows, it says something about something taming the beast. Some magic more powerful than Orden... Hey! Didn't you once say that love is the most powerful thing ever?! Maybe we need love! (Gasp) We need a Confessor!
Zedd: Very good, Richard. You get a gold star!
Richard: Yay! Except... If I know Kahlan, she's gonna throw a huge lady rage over the fact that she'll have to confess me. Let's not tell her until we actually get all three Boxes of Orden.
Zedd: Smart boy! You get another gold star!
Richard: Hooray!
The next day, our wayfaring friends arrive at what was once Jennsen's secret hide-out.
Richard: Oh, look at these pretty flowers right outside the house! I shall pick them for my sister!
And Richard fangirls everywhere go "aww." I just wonder why my brother never does anything nice for me. All he does is grumble to himself, and when he does talk, I can't understand what he's saying because it's all math, science, politics, and political science.
Kahlan: Oh Richard... You're so sw- Whoa! What's up with this giant, red X on the door?
Richard: TREASURE! (Breaks open door and runs inside.) Hey... There's no treasure in here! That door lied!
Man: GRAAAAHBELABOOGEBOOLA! (Charges at Richard.)
Richard: Eeeek! Shawn, it's me! Richard!
Shawn: Oh, sorry. Anyways, Darken Rahl found out we were hiding Jennsen so he unleashed a magical plague upon our village.
Richard: (Gasp) What is this madness?! Magical plagues aren't supposed to happen until season four!
Shawn: Yeah, but Rahl doesn't want some other villain to get that kind of glory, so he decided to do it now. Anyways, the only way we can get the cure is if we bring the Seeker to Lord Rahl.
Richard: Well, where's Jennsen?
Shawn: The D'Harans came. We told her to run and gave her an Al Qaeda stone, just in case. Now follow me to the place where we keep the sick people!
So Shawn leads them to a very small area of land that is full of what appear to be "Hoovervilles." However, there is no President Hoover in LegendofTheSeekerLand, so they must be nicknamed something else. Maybe something like "Rahltowns" or "Rahlshacks." Idk. Anyways, sickly looking people are all around. It makes me grateful that I have never had to witness such a terrifying thing as a plague.
Shawn: Yep! More and more people arrive here everyday! And there's nothing we can do about it, except turn in the Seeker. It's contagious by touch, so don't touch anyone!
Richard: Wow... Too bad my imaginary half-brother that is highly experienced in medical matters isn't here right now. He'd know what to do!
Shawn: And here's my daughter. She's dying. And it sucks because I can't help her! We have no health insurance and Valley Medical doesn't exist yet!
Kahlan: Zedd! You're a wizard! I bet you can do something.
Zedd: Actually, yes! I can do something. However, I'll need a few hours to recover after healing one person. If I don't, I'd get the plague myself.
Richard: Well this is fun and all, but we need to find Jennsen and the boxes. Then, I can order Rahl to give us the cure.
Kahlan: The Cure? I thought you wanted Aiden.
Richard: Them too!
Kahlan: Well, discussing musical wants is fun and all, but we don't even know if Jennsen's alive.
Is Jennsen alive? It appears so. Where is she? In what appears to be Darken Rahl's house.
Nurse: Well, she looks alive, but barely.
Darken: Oh goody! Let me know when she wakes up. Betch better give me my boxes back!
Five minutes later...
Nurse: Okay! She's awake!
Darken: What? I just now got my bubble bath ready and she decides to wake up now? (Sigh) Very well then.
Nurse: But we have a problem. She doesn't remember anything! No... She's not lying. Your men hella pwned her and now her senses suck. This does not surprise me.
Darken Rahl enters Jennsen's room.
Jennsen: Whoa! And who is this sexy beast we have here?
Darken: Yes... I am a sexy beast, aren't I? Anyways, I'm a friend who is keeping you safe from your wicked brother of Westland, called the Seeker. I'll tell you everything later- When I can think of a believable story to tell you.
Back to Richard and co.
Richard: So... If you were to turn me in, where would you have done it?
Shawn: Oh, there's this Garrison nearby.
Kahlan: Ah, I can confess whoever's in charge over there! Get some information.
Richard: And the cure!
Shawn: The band?
Richard: Them too!
Zedd: Alright! It's settled then. You two go to the Garrison while I try healing people. But first: I shall disguise this rock as your head so you guys can get close enough to confess him!
At the Garrison.
Shawn: I have the Seeker's head and will only give it to the commander, bitches! Tell him to bring the cure to the Sorcerer's Bluff place thingy! Alone!
D'Haran: Okay! Nothing suspicious about those orders...
Meanwhile, Zedd is attempting to heal sick people.
Enter man, followed by a long line.
Man: My son is next!
Zedd: I must rest or else I'll die healing everyone! Anyways, your son is not next- the baker is next!
Man: Wtf? I baker over a child?!
Zedd: Bitch, please! We need a baker in this town a lot more than we need another bratty kid!
Man: Wtf is this circafan?! How dare you decide who lives and who dies!
Zedd: How dare you question the Wizard of The First Order! Now STFU before I smack you upside the head with a bag of Cheetos!
Back at Darken Rahl's house.
Darken: And then your so-called "brother" put the Boxes of Orden together and made two hot women fight to death so he can... Well, you know.
Jennsen: I vaguely remember that part... But I'm tired of discussing this. It sickens me.
Darken: Okay! But remember- You are pristinely ungifted which makes you a special snowflake who is not affected by magic. Thus, you bravely saved the world by pulling the boxes apart! And then you ran off with two of them. But where did you hide them?
Jennsen: I don't want to think about this traumatic experience anymore! Can't I just lay here in bed and eat ice cream?
Darken: Alright.
Meanwhile, D'Harans are on their way to this Sorcerer's Bluff place thing. Shawn, Richard, and Kahlan spy on them from behind trees. Suddenly, Shawn chucks the "Seeker's" head at a D'Haran as Kahlan starts chucking knives. Then, Richard comes in and an epic sword fight ensues. Can't have an episode without that!
Kahlan: Wow! We've fought off a majority of the D'Harans. Now, leader of the D'Haran group, I shall confess you for I do not approve of your behavior!
Richard: Nooo! He has welts on his neck. He's got the plague!
At Darken Rahl's cas- AWWWWW!!! Darken Rahl's holding a kitten! How cute!
Darken Fangirls: Awwwwww!
Darken: Like this kitten? I rescued it for you! (Hands over kitten.)
Jennsen: Awww! He's so cute!
Darken: Me? I know I am. But thanks.
Meanwhile, my cat is meowing loudly to go outside. It is currently pouring rain. Crazy cat! Can I trade with Jennsen?
Darken: So... Your memories? Have they returned.
Jennsen: No. But I don't want to remember! It's all too horrible.
Darken: Of course it is.
At the sick people village.
Enter Richard, Kahlan, and the sick D'Haran.
Man: Wtf is this circafan?
Kahlan: Betch! I'm the Mother effin' Confessor. Show me some respect!
Zedd: What's going on?
Richard: You need to heal this man so Kahlan can confess him, kay?
Group of Sick People: Wtf is this circafan?! Healing a D'Haran over all of us? Rah rah rah rah rah rah rah!
Kahlan: STFU! This man probably has important information that can be used to cure all of you at once!
Group of Sick People: Rah rah rah rah rah!
Zedd: Oh, rah rah rah, yourself!
Richard: Ra ra, ah ah ah, roma ro ma ma, ga ga, oh la la... Oh, sorry. What are we rahing about again?
Back at Darken's.
Jennsen: Pretty kitty bitty boo... I shall name you Pee Wee and you shall be mine forever and ever!
Loud wailing can be heard from another room. Jennsen investigates and sees the nurse walking out with a wailing woman. Darken Rahl sits down in a sorrowful manner.
Jennsen: What's wrong?
Darken: The Seeker killed yet again! I just had to tell a mother that her son died.
Jennsen: Dammit! I hate my brother!
Darken: As do I. I mean, he's also my son- I mean, brother. You, me and the Seeker have the same Daddy! His name was Panis Rahl and he was a great leader. However, the Seeker kept conquering cities and countries. Anyways, my father once told me that he read a prophecy about how he'd have a son that would become the Seeker and kill me. But he didn't care because he was a sex addict and condoms did not exist back then. So I killed that mother fuckin' bastard. I killed him, and used his blood as finger paint!
Book Fans: (Hope Darken Rahl is lying about being Richard's and Jennsen's brother.)
Darken: Anyways, I tried reasoning with the Seeker, but he has some crazy idea that he's some sort of hero. He doesn't listen to a word I say. Why, I haven't recieved a Christmas card from him in twenty years!
Jennsen: (Gasp) No Christmas cards? That monster! We need to stop him. I'm gonna try to remember where I hid the boxes now.
Back at SickPeopleLand.
Zedd: Okay! I healed him now.
Kahlan: (Confesses) Where's Jennsen?
Leader Thing: Idk! The General took her away after we beat her half to death. They're hoping Rahl could get information out of her.
Richard: Okay! You're taking me to where Jennsen was captured!
Back at Darken's.
Jennsen: Okay. I remember this farmer dude telling me to run. And I took the boxes with me along with Al Qaeda.
Darken: You mean an Al Quaeda stone?
Jennsen: That too!
Darken: You poor thing.
Jennsen: Yes. I recall trying to eat the Al Qaeda stone but I dropped it. But what did I do with the boxes?
Darken: Yes, what did you do with the boxes?
Jennsen: I remember sneaking into this hideous castle to steal them...
Darken: Yes. Wait, what?
Jennsen: And then a bunch of other stuff happened and I ended up keeping them hidden in some farmer's house.
Darken: Yes, we've already elaborated on that. Go on.
Jennsen: I cooked stew for dinner.
Darken: That is irrelevant to everything. What else?
Jennsen: (Gasp) I gave all the nasty vegetables to the farmer!
Darken: I really don't care. Now where the bloody fuck are the boxes?!
Jennsen: The boxes? I threw them in a lake!
Darken: Sweet!
So a quad is sent to the lake.
Meanwhile, Richard is at that lake, looking for the boxes.
Richard: Wtf? Where's the boxes?! Oh what a pretty lake! My Seeker senses tell me that I should go swimming in it. (Swims in it.)
The quad shows up and shoots the Leader person thingy.
Richard: Hey, look! I found a giant purse full of magical boxes!
D'Haran: Aher! (Shoots arrow at Richard.)
Richard: Noez! (Falls underwater)
D'Haran: (Wades into water)
Richard: BOO! (Pops up and stabs D'Haran, then chucks a knife at another D'Haran. The last D'Haran standing runs away like a frightened little girl.)
Back at SickPeopleLand.
Zedd: I need rest!
Group of People: Nooo! Save us! (Grab at Zedd.)
Kahlan: Don't touch him!
Man: My son died!
Kahlan: Enough! You're gonna kill him!
Man: (Grabs out knife)
Kahlan: Ah hellz no! (Confesses, gets sick, and falls to the ground.)
Man: Mistress, no! Everybody stand back! Being confessed has made me think logically for the first time in my life... We should be ashamed for the way we've been behaving!
Back in Darkenland.
Egremont: My Lord! I just read in this here journey book that the Quad has failed and the Seeker has the boxes.
Darken: Wtf? Noooooooo!!! (Grabs book and chucks it across the room. You show that book, Darken. How dare it tell you the truth!)
Egremont: My Lord, since the Seeker has the book and the boxes, you should leave this place now before he comes to get you!
Darken: But... Where can I go? Where will I be safe?! Where will no one find me?!
Egremont: Chilladelphia?
Darken: I haz a better idea. (Goes to see Jennsen.) Jennsen, I have failed. The Seeker has the boxes now.
Jennsen: You could run?
Darken: But... A plague has broken out! I can't abandon my own, dying people. However, my sorcerer's have a cure but I can't go out there and give it to them now. In fact, only you can give it to them.
Jennsen: But... his men almost killed me! How could I ever go back?
Darken: Simple! Tell him what he wants to hear. Tell him he's a great and wonderful hero and that I'm nothing but an angry, middle-aged, D'Haran man who tortured you into telling me where the boxes are but you never told me. And that you stole the cure from me and escaped and never came back. Then, steal the boxes and bring them back to me.
Jennsen: But... That doesn't sound like the Richard you told me about! In fact, that doesn't match up with your story at all.
Darken: Oh, stop being logical and just do it already!
Jennsen: Okay! Wait- You have sorcerers even though you're a wizard?
In the world of the sick...
Enter Richard.
Richard: I haz the boxes! Kahlan? Kahlan!
Man: She's dying.
Zedd: She confessed a sick man to save me. I'm sick too and there's no way I can recover.
Richard: But... You can't die! In fact, I shall put the Boxes of Orden together and force Rahl to give me the cure.
Zedd: But... Kahlan's too sick to confess you and there's no other confessors around.
Richard: I don't need a confessor. I'll just take this Al Qaeda stone before putting the boxes together. Then, I'll tell Rahl to send over the cure and I'll kill him, then I'll die.
Zedd: Nooo!
Richard: Yeees! (Leaves and sees Jennsen.) Jennsen! (Glomps)
Jennsen: Rahl captured me and tortured me, but I told him nothing about the boxes. He's mean! Anyways, I stole the cure and escaped.
Richard: You stole a band?
Jennsen: Band? No, I have this! (Pulls out a vial.) Here, let me hold the boxes while you hand out the cure.
Richard: Okays! (Hands over boxes and gives cure to Kahlan and Zedd.)
Jennsen: (Runs off)
Richard: Jennsen? How dare you run off! (Grabs Jennsen) Wtf is wrong with you?!
Jennsen: Please don't hurt meh!
Richard: Wtf? Where are you going with the boxes?
Jennsen: To Lord Rahl.
Richard: Wtf? Rahl's evil!
Jennsen: He said you'd say that. And that you put the Boxes of Orden together and forced people to kill each other! Did you do that?
Richard: Uh, maybe. But... Wtf?!
Jennsen: Your men beat me to death and made me lose my memory! Rahl took care of me. He even gave me a kitten! I named him Pee Wee.
Richard: Pee Wee? Wtf? Anyways, it's obvious that Rahl has been lying to you. I'm a good person! Honestly! When we first met, I had rescued you and our mother from a mord sith. And then you stole the boxes from Rahl. And I put them together to save mother! Sure, it failed in the end but it's the thought that counts.
Jennsen: Zomg! I remember now! Everything makes sense again!
Enter D'Harans.
Richard: DEMONS BE GONE! (Pulls out sword.)
And an epic sword fight ensues. Richard wins.
Back at Darkenland...
Darken: Oh pretty little kitten. I shall call you Dingus and you shall be my Dingus!
Egremont: My Lord! Another report! Jennsen is now on the Seeker's side. And the Seeker still has all three boxes.
Darken: GRRRR! (Crushes kitten. PETA would not approve.) Pull out my armies and get Mistress Cara and her sisters together. Shit is going down!
Back at encampment.
Richard: Well, I'm glad everyone is well and all. Hi Kahlan!
Kahlan: Did you get the boxes?
Richard: Yeah. And guess what you get to do?
Kahlan: Whut?
Richard: You get to confess me as soon as I put the boxes together!
Kahlan: What? WHAT?!?! Why the bloody circafan do I need to do such a circafanning thing like that! I am not confessing you. I will never confess you! NEVER!!! CIRCAFAAAAAAAAN!!!! CIRCAFAN IT ALL TO HELL!
Richard: I knew you'd have a lady rage about this!
Kahlan:AAAAAHHHHH!!!! (Chucks pillow at Richard.)
Richard: Now, now. No need for violence!